Silvester memories

Last year's silvester celebrations with my twinnie

I can't believe that this time last year i was with my best friend and her family in Germany. Celebrating 'silvester' with some of the people that are the most important to me, outside the place was covered with snow but inside we were all warm and toasty sat around the TV watching a short comedy called 'dinner for one', followed by sitting around a table together having a typical German new years eve  dinner. I have so many happy and beautiful memories, i must have cried three times today because i've thought about that, and how i wish i could go back, but then i'm not gonna live in the past anymore, so even though it was hard, i've just had to accept that this year i'm not in my most favourite place in the world and that cant be helped. I remember sitting next to Helen by the piano singing for good from wicked i and then after a few to many sang defy gravity in german ( i did not sing it correctly i may add). I remember being around the TV again just before midnight counting down in German, and the SECOND the words 'happy new year' rang out though the room i was out the front of the house barefoot in the snow (i was drunk) screaming 'happy birthday Roshni!!!' followed by helen (with shoes on) screaming the same thing.
In 2010 i spent two weeks with helen in august, one in october and one in december, this year i spent three days with her, so i vow with this coming year of 2012 to go back and spend more time with my best friend <3 
Happy new year to all of my beautiful followers...thank you for all the support and the over 100 views just today alone woop! xxxxx

Calling all angels

So as a new year present to you guys i would like to share this song with you, it's called calling all angels and it's by a wonderful singer called Jane Siberry, it gets me everytime and moves me so deeply it's unreal, i've danced lyrical to this many a times and it brings such strong emotions...this song has got me through alot. I like to believe there are angels and they exist and that they help us though hard  times....i like to believe there are there when you pass away and leave this world, that they are the passageway to the next life.
When my grandad passed away...on the day of his funeral two crazy things happened, first...a single white feather fell at my feet from nowhere, and ok maybe there could be an explanation for that, but i want to believe that it was a gift from heaven to say my grandad was safe and happy and whole again....
Then i also found my angel necklace, just simply on a desk, when i had been looking EVERYWHERE for that necklace over the days leading up to it. 
Calling all angels....it can mean anything to you, it does not have to mean the genuine angels..i mean there could be a friend who reminds you of an angel, or a loved one, a member of family, that to you are an angel....to me this song is about getting through life, and the beautiful things is this can mean god, this can mean Jesus, this can mean death, this can mean life, it can mean friendship, family love, it can mean anything you want and thats why i love it so much.
This song reminds me of a beautiful YA i met on fall tour in Germany this year called Megan, the second i heard it after meeting her i thought of her...she has a very beautiful soul and an angel like presence about her... 
This this thing that says that when you die, some people are made angels by god...well Megan would be one of these people.....  
Enjoy... xx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRUErh47sao

How do you measure out a year?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love
Seasons of love. Seasons of love
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.
It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!
Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love

Another 525, 600 minutes coming to and end, another year over and a new one beginning, i new start, but for the better or for the worse is up to you to decide. Remember to take this year with in the future years to come but with happiness and wonderful thoughts, memories of loved ones and times gone by, never regret, don't ever look back and say i wish idone something different because at the end of the day, everything has led you to where  you are today. Measure a year in love, from friends, family, hobbies ANYTHING, anything that has given you a strength you never knew existed. Remember this year in anything you want.

For me to look back right now, well I'm sitting here crying like a baby...i have to stop with every few words i type to wipe my eyes so i can actually see what i'm doing. This year has been the hardest year of my life ever, i have struggled one hell of alot, been very very ill, lost friends, lost relationships, damaged myself...everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. I'm looking back though and taking all of the GOOD things, because they are the things i want to take with me into next year...people like Helen, whom i used to talk to ages ago and then lost contact but this year we got back in touch via instagram!...The fall cast of the young americans that i met in Germany, most of all Angel and Megan, Chanele and Micheal. I grew, they helped me to grow alot. I take that into the future.I think they shaped me so much, so so so much that i'll never be able to go back to what i was like before that fully, no matter how bad things get. It's going to be really hard for me to say i'll never look back and never cry again about the past, but for the new year im going to try and just let go, and just breathe, not to let the past continue to knock me down over and over again.  Be stronger. Be better. Give myself time to heal. 

I know that some people would say that 2011 has been an awesome year, well.thats great and im happy about that..but then there will be others who read what i wrote above and find themselves crying because this year was hard for them too and they can totally see where i am coming from.  We must not forget that everyday people die, and that means that everyday someone somewhere has to go though that loss, nothing is ever perfect ever. At the same time everyday a new person is born, a new baby, a tiny person whom has their entire life spread out for them. This year i lost my godmother and god father together, i spent my 19th birthday at a funeral, loss...but then two days later a friend of mine gave birth to two healthy baby girls....life...the circle of life....and it moves us all.

I know that next year is going to be really different, i'm 20 for a start soon, and even though thats not really a big deal, for me the going from teenager to twenty stage has always been a bigger thing that what my 18th was. I'm seeing some friends i havnt seen in years...since like 2006 and i am so excited for that!, and theres everything else thats going on if i get all the time to do it, like theres michigan, nebraska and utah, and then hopefully i would like to go back to germany it dpends, then i also want to travel to donegal in Ireland to see a good friend of mine...oh and a photography trip in Norway, there is just so much. I know i want to make a CD, ive written so much music over the past year and i just want to have something to show for it. I want to hold out my hand to the people who need the strength the most. I remember Emma telling me that no matter how many clouds there are in the sky the sun is always right behind, i was flying to germany this year and the weather was terrible like they sky was grey, but the second we got above the clouds the sun was there, bright, beautiful and inspiring, i want to take someone on a plane just to show them that, JUST to show them there is always hope.

New years day the first thing im gonna do besides wishing one of my best and longest friends Roshni happy birthdaay is wattch RENT, the reason behind this blog i always watch it new years eve or new years day whatever...it makes me start the year off better. I advise you all get to watch it at some point too, when i first saw it i had to watch it again before the storyline REALLY sank in but the music, oh my gosh the music.....DO IT!

There are 525 600 minutes in 2012, use them as you will but make the most of every moment, shoot for the moon because even if you miss youll land amoung the stars, thats one thing i firmly believe, you should never say the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon...love people and take time to nuture and grow friendships and relationships....let go and move on when you know something is not gonna work out anymore...just let it be. If you see a stranger on the street give them a smile, if you see someone crying ask them if they are ok and would they like a hug, i would advise not to just go hug them because they might stab you haha but show love, love is all you need....be selfless, i missed out on going to the movies with my friends one time because i was buying a homeless guy a hot drink, a bacon buttie (and im veggie so go me! woop) because he said that was his favourite and a new blanket, he cried so much, the fact i had done that for him, and the fact even more so i had thought to ask him what kind of sandwich etc he would like. My friends i were with that day said i was stupid and that id wasted my money, well im not friends with them anymore..touch lives and hearts and if you know you are right then ignore what others say.
Remember 525.600 minutes of fresh adventures to do with what you will, measure it in love though, and remember that life is never certain so never miss a chance to say i love you.
'i don't know if the sky is heaven but i pray anyway' you should to.

I would like to thank you all for so much support, thank for messaging me telling me things like 'your blog touched my heart' or 'it changed my life'...i shall never forget when i got an email from an old lady after she read my blog on her grandchild's computer and was donating as much as she could (£50) to a charity for the children in africa etc...if you are her and are reading this i would like to thank you again...oh gosh and im crying again!!!!  I wish you all the most beautiful of new years and hope that everything works out for you guys because your incredible! just remember 

525,600 MINTUTES TO MEASURE IN LOVE 

in diapers, report cards
in spoke wheels, in speeding tickets
in contracts, dollars 
in funerals and births 

in 525, 600 minutes 
how do you figure a last year on earth
figure in love
figure in love
figure in love 

MEASURE YOUR LIFE IN LOVE.

peace  x

Inspirational People

You helped me keep my head
You helped me to understand 
Myself and how i affected others
Lending out an invisible hand. 

From your mouth i hear the truth thats spoken 
I will get better even when i feel broken
You help me believe more with every minute 
That i help people by being alive, you keep me sticking with it. 

Everytime that i buckled and said it could no longer be done
You told me that i was beautiful and that my life had just begun.
And when i said it was too hard, you simply replied
Sweetheart how can you  ever know, until you have tried? 

Your presence enriches lives more than you can know
your like a breath of sunshine, I hope youv'e been told so.
Some people feel to beaten to ever give a smile
But yours it radiates this earth, it spreads around for miles 

I just hope you know that i am so grateful you came into my life
We are not even friends
 But your love helped me to survive 
This poem is to say thank you and that i apprectitce it very much
I'm so happy to know you, my heart forever you have touched. 

So this is a poem i wrote for a girl i know, and she is INCREDIBLE really incredible, she is one of my friends best friends, and because of what she has study ed in uni my friend told her about me and well, i took her advice about seeing this awesome singer songwriter, to read her book and ,listen to her music, and trust me her music really is the stuff that gets me though. When i asked if i were alloud to send her a message to say thank you, i got the reply of course she wont mind! and so i did, and DESPITE the fact she does not know me one little bit, she is ALWAYS thinking of me and sending me links for things i would like, including this incredible necklace which she said she would actually get if she had money, ( ok i would have got pissed if shed actually done that bit i hate people buying me things, like REALLY hate it) but the point i am trying to get across, she is not even really meant to be there at all for me but im always forever being told i am always here...she is incredible and that is why i wrote this for her, i know its not exactly good but it's meant to be the thought that counts!

And for the person who this is about, you know who you are and i will be sending you this link, thank you, thank you so much,  Love you muchies xx

moving on....

'Sometimes you loose yourself, trying to hold onto someone who does not care about loosing you'

It seems that all it's ever been between you and I see-saw, a game, a battle which half of the time you always won. I really dont understand why i kept coming back to you, and even more so  i can't understand the logic behind the fact my heart wants to go there again, what with ever hit you give me, you make me weaker... and i let you do that. This is the first time ive had the guts to actually to go and flat out delete and block you, yes, ive deleted you before, but not for more than a week  tops...always coming back, always trying again. 
I don't understand why my heart is not going to let me move on, i know you do not care about loosing me. I could die tomorrow and i still think you wouldnt give a crap, but i still want to be a part of your life, i keep going back again and again just to be abused and made to feel small and unloved. I lost myself where i was trying so hard, so so hard not to loose you. I worry myself about the fact im already having second thoughts about getting rid of you out of my life. The fact that a part of my heart is saying 'just one more chance' because i know 'one more chance' almost always leads into another...and another again.
I need the strength from somewhere but i just can't find it....right now im just listening to music over and over and over again to try and help my brain finally see, that moving on with the rest of my life HAS to start with goodbyes... 

from the heart

'And it only hurts when i'm breathing 
my heart only breaks when its beating 
my dreams only die when i'm dreaming 
so i hold my breath to forget. '

So much love for this right now

heartprints

Whereever it is that we go in life, one thing is for certain and that is that we will leave handprints on anything that we touch. Even if its only for a split second (like a doorknob) or something that requires you to hold on a little longer (like a book) whatever it is, it's insignificant, the important part is that fingerprint...thats a part of you, no one shares that with you...you leave a little of yourself....a little of your  idenity whereever you go. 
But something even more important for me than handprints are heartprints, the emotional type of print. The strongest and most beautiful of all. The many words that can describe this kind of print... compassion, love, concern, understanding, peace, kindness, repect, LIFE. The list could be endless. I does not even have to be a friend or someone you know. It could be a stranger on the street, a homeless man sitting on a bench freezing cold, the lonley, the scared, the vunerable. I know for example a girl called Gwen and she does not know me at all really, i just know her though a friend, but all those words in italics above she has given to me, and for that i am enternally grateful, in years to come it will be the gifts to the heart like this, than the pshyical gifts you can open that will change my life the most
I want you to take this blog to heart, take deep inside you and think about what i am trying to say here..I'm not asking you for money, or even to give money to someone else..I'm not asking you to do something that consumes your entire life, i'm asking that you just give a minute of time to others..touch a few heart.  Say this to yourself over and over again until you believe it,
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on it's ears
I wanna do something better with the time i've been given
And i wanna try, to touch a few hearts in this life 
And leave nothing less, than something that says
I WAS HERE
Tomorrow my aim will be to go out and touch as many lives and hearts as i possibly can.  I want to be able to know within my heart that i've done a good job and touched enough lives to make a huge impact to this earth.
The things we do in life will be insignificant but its very important that we do them... 
GO REACH OUT TODAY!

The many different friends

Friends are complicated...there are some that come into your life, calling you a best friend when they have only what seems to be an intention to hurt you and knock you down..there are the friends that say goodbye and there are the friends that leave without no word whatsoever, leaving you to try and sort out why within your own mind, sometimes making you paranoid and venerable, what if others do what they done? What if i'm left alone? Some friends are robbed from us by the circle of life, which also momentarily robs us of all thoughts and feelings, we become numb, only knowing we are alive by the steady rhythmic beating of our heart against our chest. Then we pick ourselves up again, and carry on, with the other friends you are lucky enough to be surrounded by. Some friendships are as fragile as glass, one slight knock you shatter and destroy the entire concept of friendship, then on the other hand, there are friendships that are as strong as a band of gold, complete, pure...unbreakable. Some friendships you can hang onto till the end and others..well it seems no matter how hard you try they slip away, and then you have to let it happen. There are the friends you meet online, maybe in a self help chat room who understand you and know you better than you know yourself. There are the friends that can be best friends over the computer, either knowing them randomly or by mutual friends, the friends that when you see a message make you smile, make you feel happy to be alive...There are two categories that friends can be divided into, stones and diamonds, and the hardest part is ALWAYS trying to work out where abouts to place people. Even when it hurts you sometimes realise that people are stones, when you all along thought of them as a diamond, those 'friends' who make your life hell...time to say goodbye, spend your time with the people who you know are the true diamonds because they are the ones that matter. nurture these friendships, let them grow, polish them, keeping and open honest friendship is always going to be the best friendship. 
Dedicated to two of my diamonds, Roshni and Helen

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today you guys having giving me 
-over a hundred hits
-3 tweets 
-  2 emails..
THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS IS INCREDIBLE I LOVE DAYS LIKE THIS :) xxxx

Lush

This morning i was randomly browsing though blogger and i came across this awesome blog  (a-dreamers-journal) and read an awesome blog all about lush products and it really inspired me to write a blog about how awesome lush is, I literally live on lush products and i can assure you once you start using these you will never go back, i took a few pics of some of my lush collection so you can see how pretty they all are :) Lush is fairly expensive but it is so worth every penny that you spend i can promise you, they all do wonders for body and skin, and mind because they make you feel really good. Last  night i had a lush bath with a orange fizz bath bomb (which literally turned the water orange) and rockstar soap (one of my fave products!) There is something in lush for everybody, no matter what your skin and hair etc is like...! They also sell the most beautiful of scarfs, i got a lush gift from my mom yesterday for christmas and it was wrapped up so beautifully i loved it! 
Literally there are so many differ net smells so there will always be something to suit your taste and the best thing is that they are natural products and smell incredible, also they have no harmful chemicals which could irritate sensitive skin and damage the environment...:)
Lush packaging is completely 100% recycled which means that it helps out the planet as well as your skin :)  If you take back five empty and clean pots once you have finished the product you can get a free face mask and let me tell you now, they are the best face masks on the market, i'm never gonna go back to normal face masks now! The also do solid shampoos, and i will be honest, i was doubtful when i first saw them, as i have thick hair and the bars are so small, when i was told that in one bar there is the same as three bottles of shampoo i was gobsmacked, its basically made to be more friendly for the environment, again im not going back now, you dont need much at all and it lathers up into a thick foam and makes you hair smell incredible, i have washed my hair about 20 times with my one bar and i still have about 3/4 of it left....PERFECT...:)
I think you should check the site out www.lush.com and you can also buy on there too so if you cant get out don't worry :) They also have a free iphone app :)  which is great on the go and to take in the shop to show what you want. The staff by the way are so friendly and really know what they are talking about. The staff in my local store know me know because im in there so so much!!! The whole house smells like a lush store after ive had a bath or shower its just...heaven... and they really really do make perfect gifts..!!
Happy Christmas and New Year Everyone!!!

PS: Lush are also collecting bottle tops! so if you have any spare and left over could you please send them or give them in at a store?  Thanks :) Xxxx 

THANK YO U!

Followers you are incredible! Thank you so much for all of the follows and reblogs, and messages...you cannot understand what it means to me that my blog is touching lives and hearts of people  all around the world,  it's really important to me that i make a difference in this world..! 
So a few people have asked me why i dont blog photos and quotes and everything on here and its because all of that goes on my tumblr account, i like to keep things separate :) but heres the link :) 

I follow everyone back :) and i do reblog one hell of alot :)

http://witha1000sweetkisses.tumblr.com/

Merry Christmas Everyone :) Xxxxxx

grandad at christmas time

Another year without you and yet i am still struggling like it was yesterday that you slipped away, this time 6 years ago, we were sitting by your bed, holding your hand praying you would come out of this and come back to us, that by next christmas you would be waking up with us, where you belong, part of the family, around the christmas tree, presents being open, LIFE, a simple life, i would give all those presents back without a second thought. Cancer, it took you away from us at the most important time of the year, it made you become trapped within your own body, like a fly caught in a spiders web, no matter how hard you tried the cancer spread and consumed you...suffocated you...prevented you from ever coming back. Loosing you just a few days into the new year a pain that was unimaginable, but you having to spend you favourite time of the year in a hospital bed out of it most of the time broke  heart to see.
It's always hard at this time, because grandad you were the man that made christmas, you were my grandad, my father, my best friend and also my male role model, you were everything that was good about my life. .I miss your hands i miss you holding me, you felt so strong and you made me feel so safe. I remember how you used to come pick me up out of bed on christmas morning and give me a firemans lift down the stairs and down to 'see what santa had brought for me'. Grandad, i dread this time of the year i really do, i wish i could just hibernate and get away and wake up again when its over...the new year hurts, heres to another year without you...great...
Merry Christmas grandad, i hope your proud of me, i hope you know that you are my hero and that you inspire me everyday to be a better person. I wish you could come back. Love you always xxxxxxx

winter warm up time!

This morning, i got up super early even though i had no sleep and went into Romford with my nanny to get the last of my christmas presents before it got too busy, i also got to pick a few books from waterstones as my christmas present so this made me really happy :)  I love reading i don't know why, i am forever making sure i have a book with me!  As i'd finished all of my christmas shopping and still had some money left over i decided to treat myself to some winter literally don't clothing as i literally don't own any...i hate spending money and my problem is when i start i dont know how to stop! I did get some really nice bargains in primark though! so i'm happy :) and a dress i wanted in river island about six months ago but it was £60, well i got one today in h&m pretty much the same for a fraction of the price, i want to loose some weight before i wear it though because  i felt awfully fat in it, but i couldnt just leave something as AWESOME as that at that price! :) 

New Look £19.99

New Look £29.99

H&M £15

Primark £12

Primark £10

Primark £7

Primark £12

Mini Christmas

So last night i finally got to see my incredible sister again after what seemed like FOREVER! We were going have a mini christmas just basically so we had a chance to exchange our gifts and catch up before christmas was fully upon us, there is no chance of getting to see eachother as we are both going to be fully busy that day.



First off though we headed into Romford so we could grab  a starbucks which was so warm and yummy! I had some carrot cake and toffee nut latte, it was good to be able to sit there and chat, in a calming environment with amazing drinks :) However, everyone in there with the exception of us were American, even the girl who served us was! That was severely weird not in a bad way though, it just  made me miss a few people one hell of alot more than what i normally would! It's amazing what hearing an accent can do to you! :) So after finishing our drinks we headed over to  Vue to see a movie which turned out to be Sherlock Holmes, it was SO GOOD i mean the main character was hot! not as much as Johnny Depp but still so :) 

When we got back to my house that evening we dyed my hair redder, best moment of my life when Alice scratched her arm and she ended up looking like she had an orange armpit and it would not come off!, oh and she also managed to turn a white pair of shoes red, somehow, i not sure really because i never saw her touch it beforehand :)  Oh and there was a little of i whip my hair back and fourth in the bathroom before i was restrained by my sis yelling 'Vikkie no, it's gonna look like a murder has took place!.
So then, by the time that had been sorted we finally got around to our early christmas, sitting wrapped up on the sofa, open presents, only after i had sung and played 'I'll always be right there' badly i might add as part of Alice's christmas present. I love how all of my gifts were something that normally would not be bought for a 19 year old as for what i bought Alice, no 19 year old i know would ever want something like that...but the thing is about us is that we know each other so well that we know 100% what the other one would like without even having to ask! We have this in friendship where we finish eachothers sentences and answer eachothers questions before we have even finished asking them...we turn up the same clothes just different colors and always scream at something exciting in a shop at exactly the same time.
So yeah last night was awesome, apart from getting stupid calls and messages from this other person who stressed me out to the max and nearly ruined the whole night, I thank god for my sister being there otherwise i dread to think how bad i would have got.
I have the greatest of sisters ever. :) <3

Pulling off an all nighter.... again.....

I think my blog is going to unfortunatly take most of the impact of that because i simply have nothing else i can be doing. I have tried everything to  go to sleep and it just has not come,urgh. So now, I'm sitting here, getting high on sugar via the wonderful drink Ribina... So tonight was pretty much one of the only nights this week that i needed to sleep, tomorrow i am doing the horses for Emma (morning) then getting coffee and seeing a film with my sister (early evening) then early christmas again with my sis (late evening) so not sleeping in gonna mess that whole idea up big time.  Right now i literally feel so tired, im actually struggling to keep my eyes open, but when i lie and close my eyes i can't actually sleep. Any tips would be kindly appreciated! I'm seriously think of taking a huge wad of sleeping pills thats how desperate i am right now! oh god i'm rambling! another tired trait of mine! I know for a fact gonna be that im just gonna be moody and irritable now all day, whenever i have gone with no sleep the slightest thing will get me mad... 
I think that a main reason for me not to be able to sleep is that i generally just have too much crap on my mind and going on in my head right now. Soooo....i'm gonna do a little  vent out of the main things that are bothering me currently. My life right now, in terms of friendships is a complete fucking mess...anyone who knows me, will know i am the most paranoid person at the best of times, and it certainly does not take alot to get me worrying about things and mostly about the fact people are lying to me, trust is a big thing with me, it's a really big deal and once i give someone my trust...well if the break it then it fucks it up for everyone else. A 'friend' of mine, one of the few people i actually trusted to tell about the private things going on in my life, has done nothing more in these past few months than turn my life upside down, when i was first told by everyone, that she was two faced and the couldnt stand her, I couldnt understand why, because i thought she was close to perfect. Well then i saw the REAL person, the person who tries to cut every friendship up, who tells everyone that everyone hates them, just so she can have them to herself, and person who again does that with anything, just so everything is for her only..oh and im a failure and crap, don't forget that part. Well, it's been on my mind one hell of alot, i have to lie, just to not cause trouble and it's retarded, an adult who acts like and causes trouble like a 3 year old....i literally am getting to a point where i cant deal with it no more, and all the time she is making me out to be the bad one, sending me the most stupid texts saying im a horrible person and it just confirms to me what i already know. THEN i get people mad at me for putting myself down. Right now my trust is gone, and i dont know if i'm gonna get that back and if i do, how long its going to take..I'm now getting paranoid about the people who are my best friends and the people that mean the most to me, i think they hate me, and there is only so much of that a person i will take, im suprised i still have them sticking around what with me being so paranoid....ok i actually feel better for venting that out to a computer lol, what im saying with this though s that you shouldnt let people bully you around like i do, it's got to a stage where one person is RUINING my life...and generally annoying and getting in the way of others lives too, as ive been asked about this whole situation before, 'why cant you just stand up to her?', because i'm too scared, because im a coward, because i thought she was one of my best friends, because i cant deal with the shit that will bring. Please don't ever get into that situation, its hell on earth right now.

Philippines December

I can't believe i am writing this blog, not even a year after writing one of exactly the same sort for Japan and only a few months after writing of the attacks in Norway. So right now, there is alot of trouble going on in the beautiful country of the Philippines, their weather is awful and they have terrible storms, already the de reached the 1000's and it's still rising. I want to write a blog which i actually intended on doing ages ago and forgot, for these beautiful people.
I know all to well how hard it must be when people have family in places, where bad stuff is happening and you can't do anything to save them, I also have this INCREDIBLE friend called Ericka whom has friends and family in the Phillipines so i worry for her too much.
Once again i will say it, just like i did when everything went down in Japan... 

I pray that those who are living are safe
That those lost are found
And the dead are at peace

There is so much of me that wants to be able to go out on a plane and help, I always feel useless being across the ocean when things like this terrible event are going on...I hate not being able to do anything about it, it sucks.

Please everyone support this wonderful country, if you know anyone out there, you can't do anything, so just pray for them and their country like i said above. If you know someone who has friends or family out there, well then there is a good chance they will look to you for support, be there for them, do all you can to help heal their hearts as much as you can. So if you don't know anyone? pray anyway...and when after this has all died down and they need someone... to donate money under GENUINE causes...give them as much help and support as possible that are the same as us, they live under the same sky and breathe in the same air as us, they are human beings....

Love.... x

Olympia International Horse Show

Ok, so on Monday, My friend and I, along with her cousin and nanna went along to Olympia, it's basically this huge horse show that runs over a weekend in december, it's a must for horse owners and riders at christmas time. I got up super early so we could get there  i to literally drag myself around to feed my animals and get dressed in time!! 
After walking all of her dogs and getting on a bus we finally got to the station at about 9:20, so we ended up waiting until 9:30 so we could get the cheaper off peak travel. I hate trains, like super hate them and they were even worse this time as there were so many people on them, by the time we had finally got there it was pouring down with rain and we were soaking and then trying to find the shopping hall entrance was hell on earth...we finally got there though, but i couldn't believe i had to pay £10 to get in when i had been told constantly it was only £5! Ok well, i spent alot, i spent all my money and had to borrow money (after a fight because i wouldnt allow it lol) It's the worst thing ever when you want something SO BAD, and actually need something that bad to, but you can't get it, and then your friend tells you they are get it FOR you and it makes you feel even more awful! But i had an incredible time, i mean, we did want to see the show in the evening, but we couldn't get tickets, and in a way, that was ok, because it meant we had to money left over to spend on things that we wanted to buy instead :)  and we did get to see a little of one of the shows during the day just by standing outside the arena and watching from there, the horses were incredible so so amazing.... 
So by the end of the day we had bought.. 
Two personalised jackets
Hundreds of horse treats 
Hats
Gloves 
boots (horses)
Bentley non-slip grooming kit and bag 
rug bags
feed supplements 
horses for heroes charity items including badges, bracelets and fleeces
loads of free horsey things 
free horse magazines 
MUCH more free knowledge given by the experienced staff there 
annnnndddd then of course a yummy fat buster smoothie from crush  :) 

Then there was the getting everything home, in the pouring rain, and on the London train network, oh what fun that was!  But literally had an immense day :) Defiantly going again next year and this time booking earlier so i know that i will get a space for the live show in the evening :)
Then when home a quick cuppa soup then off to the yard to muck out and have a ride in the rain :) 

Olympia...until next year!  :) xx

Topper and Midnight

my first ride on Topper

Hey guys so i'm so sorry ive not written in a few days i have literally had so much going on  that is was unreal and i havnt had the time, so im gonna try and write all my blogs now, hugeee update time lol! 
On monday morning i was going out with a few of my friends to a horse show in London so i had to be up super early (ill write more about that in another blog asap) and on my way to my friends house, i saw a post on facebook saying R.I.P Topper, well i broke down and cried right there and then, i didnt care that my make up could run and i would end up looking uglier than ever. Topper, is an incredible horse that was at the riding school i have always rode at, he simply was amazing, i think everyone who knew him is mourning him...For me he was my first ever 'horse' when i went from riding ponies and therefore he taught me so much, and i know he was the first horse for many others to. I would like to dedicate this blog to him, and his friend Midnight, whom i didnt really know so i can't write about but had to be put to sleep to last week. Have fun in horsey heaven give all the horses a kiss from me, spesh Gypsy, Boo and Sydney...I wish you all the best in the start of your new life... 

Don't Cry For The Horses, by Brenda Riley-Seymore

Don't cry for the horses
That life has set free
A million white horses
Forever to be

Don't cry for the horses
Now in God's hands
As they dance and they prance
To a heavenly band

They were ours as a gift
But never to keep
As they close their eyes
Forever to sleep

Their spirits unbound
On silver wings they fly
A million white horses
Against the blue sky

Look up into heaven
You'll see them above
The horses we lost
The horses we loved

Manes and tails flowing
They Gallop through time
They were never yours
They were never mine

Don't cry for the horses
They will be back someday
When our time has come
They will show us the way

On silver wings they will lift us
To the warmth of the sun
When our life is over
And eternity has begun

We will jump the sun
And dance over the moon
A Ballet of horses and riders
on the winds
to a heavenly tune

Do you hear that soft nicker
Close to your ear?
Don't cry for the horses
Love the ones that are here

Don't cry for the horses
Lift up your sad eyes
Can't you see them
As they fly by?

A million white horses
Free from hunger and pain
Their spirits set free Until we ride again

Sleep tight babies xxxxxx

One december evening......

So yesterday my friend Emma asked me if i wanted to Christmas shopping with her as there were things that she needed to get and wouldn't really get another chance, so we decided to meet at the yard because the horses needed to be mucked out and got in etc....well me, being the thicko that i am, i decided that as we were not going to be riding i would be able to go down the yard in my new uggs and a huge big fluffy jacket, well, one look into Eddie's stable and i realised that would NOT be the case and that when on earth had horses actually been clean animals?  But, i didnt have any other boots on me lol...so i flung my jacket off and stole one of Emma's to keep me warm, and just literally had to stand in a clean spot and work my way up until i had all the crap in the barrow and all the clean stuff piled onto one side of the the stable. I managed to keep my boots fairly clean for where i was, although i do have a big poo stain up the side so i need to wash them soon! Or maybe i'll just butter my mum up and get her to do it  for me ;) I think that Eddie's bed would have took me about half hour to do on a normal day, but in because i was having to be so careful i ended up taking just over an hour!, but hey at least i knew he would be comfy that night. There's this thing about horses, the fact that you would go out in ALL weather no matter what is going on, come rain or shine, you will go without to give to the horses, and will do ANYTHING for them...after i finally got his bed done there was his water to do, and his treat ball, and feed...oh the fun spesh when i spilled some of the water on my leg it was freaking freezing!!!...So by the time i got that done and was halfway though doing Caraid's bed, which was  awful! despite the fact that shes alot small than Eddie, i first walked in her stable to turn the light on and walked straight into poop, i actually dont know how that horse manages it, i really don't haha! But it only took me another 20 minutes so were able to set off for Romford at about 6ish. This was actually perfect for me because by the time we had got there, the place was literally empty, there were no queues to have to deal with and no crowds, it was easy to have a proper laugh and let go. I've finally got a  few more boxes of hair dye so i can get my hair dyed again next week when i have my sister Alice sleeping round!. I actually had a perfect night yesterday until i got home, i mean, a night of junk food (opps) massive pillows, and glee....my idea of HEAVEN! :) 
One thing i did learn yesterday though however is that i cannot stand up for myself and say what  I think, i realised that so so many times in the past have i just gone along with what others want, even if its not what i agree with, or its not what i want. What pisses me of something CRONIC is that i know for a fact that it's not going to change any time soon, I mean, when it comes to standing up for the planet then i will pretty much tell people how it is...but when people are bitching I always agree, when people tell me to do stuff i do it, when people say something...anything i will just say yes...it's a habit that i know is going to get me into trouble and i need to stop....urgh...i'm such a bad person...it makes me get paranoid also over the people i shouldn't get paranoid urgh....I NEED TO LEARN! and i can assure you i will, watch this space! x

THANK YOU

4000! What the hell!?!?! thank you so much guys!!! :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Alice

I just feel i need to write a blog about my incredible sister Alice, this week, i have done nothing but struggle, cry 24/7, debate stupid ideas and wish i was not alive anymore. This past week, i have been a complete mess, literally falling apart at the seams, well Alice is like my twin and someone i can rely on 24/7 regardless of what is going on in her life, she helps me keep it together, and the reason i am mentioning her name in this is because i know she will never believe that i would actually write something like this about her otherwise. She knows me better than i know myself, she will call me because she knows im not ok, before i have even had a chance to get in contact with her and tell her i needed her, she is like my other friend Emma in the terms of she's been though alot in her past, so to see how strong she is now and how far she is getting..always inspires me and makes me proud.
A few nights ago i felt awful i was in such a state it was unreal, she is in sixth form and in her last year, and as she is head girl she has to be in school by 8:30am in the morning, AND she had an art exam that morning. BUT. she stayed up till five am hugging me till i stopped crying, telling me i was ok, keeping me safe from myself, and that is something i can assure you is very hard for someone to when i am feeling really bad.
She simply is amazing, i actually think i would have been dead this week if it were not for her and how strong she kept me...right now i feel like EVERYONE is going against me and that everyone hates me, i feel like i have no one, and she is the only one who can get past me, get to a part of me that cares just a little and that wants to ok.
Alice, sister i love you so much, thank you so much for everything and for being you and for just being PERFECT, and i know your gonna start now with saying your not perfect but trust me, you are one of the very few things in my life i consider to be perfection at it's finest. Remember i m always here for you, thank you for being you xxxxxxx 

spoilt rotten xx

So today i was down the yard helping Emma put rubber matting in Eddie's stable which we have FINALLY got! :)  It was meant to be coming the other  week but the shipping order got fucked about and it all went wrong, so i was pretty excited! Where Eddie's stable is situated is right by where there used to be a cattle shed, so the flooring is cobble stones, and trust me when i say that when you have to muck a horse out on ground like that, even more so when they are messy little shits it only makes things a million billion times worse! You normally have to go in between all the cracks and get all the shit and piss out and trust me that smells like a bitch. So now, hopefully he will be alot easier to keep, now he has rubber matting it means that he will not have to have as big of a bed as he did before, the matting will act as an extra shock absorber if he decides to lay down.  :) 
That evening before i went back down the yard to finish jobs off i went into tescos to  buy a few treats for the horses, Emma had already asked for me to get a few things and then i had been looking on the Internet making a list of all different treats they could have so i could stock up...well...i ended up spending £30 haha, crazy amounts when its for two horses and only extra bits but hey at the end of the day they are worth it, will help keep them busy, is cheaper than buying actually horse treats even though technically they are the same thing and they deserve it.
About a week ago i nearly gave up Eddie because of this girl who i thought was my friend making me feel like a piece of shit...well today, today made me realise that im happy i listened to Hayley and Emma....because Eddie makes me happy beyond anything else, more than any other horse on this planet. :) <3

.....

You are..
rude
horrible
bitchy
selfish
two-faced
hurtful
thoughtless
careless
mean,
nasty
a cheat
a liar
a trouble maker
and generally make me feel like i would be better of dead but there's one thing that stops me giving up on you.... 

LOVE

Being beautiful in every single way,

'People are all the same, and we only get judged by what we do personality reflects name, and if i'm ugly then so are you'
Right so i really feel i have to write this blog because there is something that is getting on my last nerve and i'm literally sitting here fuming. Why is it that people always seem to judge others on their looks and what they are like as in how popular they are?  Why can it not be about the person inside that counts. There is this girl on you tube named Nichole and i came across her videos the other day, and just because she is not the world's version of 'perfect' she's getting the piss taken out of her something rotten and it's fucking wrong.
'Everybody talks bad about somebody else,and never realise how it affects somebody else, you bet it wont be forgotten, envy is the only thing it could be'
She is singing a cover of Christina Aguilara's song beautiful, and it hurt my heart to see some of the vile posts that she was getting. At the end of the day, just because someone does not look like a fucking barbie and does not sing not perfect, does not mean they are not beautiful. I looked at the video and not once did i an ugly trait come though, her heart was pure honest and true. She sung those words with pride 'I AM BEAUTIFUL, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, WORDS CANT BRING ME DOWN' and for her at least i'm happy to say i think it's true....because she certainly seems to not be letting it get to  her... :) I think a few of the worst comments were 
'Go fucking die your mother made a mistake having you'
'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU RETARD'
'No you are not beautiful in every single way and words SHOULD bring you down.'
and i mean, that was only a few of the comments there were others too, just as bad and hurtful.....
In the past hour i mist have left so many comments on there telling her she is beautiful and for every good comment she gets (im not the only one there are some decent people out there) she must get about 50 horrid comments...
Why an people be so horrible to a fellow human being? 
My argument is the same with her videos as it is im with my blog you don't like what im saying you dont read it, as for her, you dont like what your watching, stop, dont carry on watching it only to leave heartbreaking comments at the end of it.
Here is the link for her beautiful video, please pass this on and raise awareness of the Internet bullying that is happening these days
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIa2kGZhjcI&feature=related
The thing that makes me sad it that i know if i were to write this on my facebook wall, most of my friends would be on that awful majority, judging people other retarded things.
Nichole sweetheart, please do not let these pricks get you down because you are so much braver and better than them to get those videos up there for people to see. to stand up for yourself and your rights and to not let everyone get in your way is a hard thing to do, i'm too scared i would not be able to deal with people being that horrible to me.....your wonderful and a huge inspiration keep up the good work! xxxxxxx 

 

xxxxx

I want to write a blog thing about this girl i know and i think she really deserves to have something dedicated to her right now. So basically i am a really shitty person, and right now i am going through so much SHIT it's unreal. shit  that no one but myself should be burdened with. The crazy thing is that it's the people i thought would be there for me, are in fact the ones that are not. I don't want to mention names but this girl met me so randomly and trust me when i say i am really in all honesty just a small part of her life, a part she could easily live without, but yet she takes on my problems by the gallon load, she helps me to keep walking and to keep breathing. Sometimes i will message her the most stupid things, things that send most people running, things that make people tell me i am stupid and that im worthless etc....yet despite the fact  shes constantly busy she finds time most of the time... because of her i am still alive today...i will send messages to her when im dipping big time and not even know that ive sent it, till ive calmed down a read it later and just thought SHIT. but you know what?  she never ever once gave up on me. I know sometimes she gets so angry at me like others did but with a difference, she stands and helps me through it, she is a pillar of strength in my life and i am so blessed to have her.  I don't know why she hasn't thrown me out her life yet, and i must look like a total idiot right now because im crying like a retard. I have this huge problem in where i get paranoid so easily, and all it takes is for one person to say one thing and i am automatically judging her and what she thinks, instead of hearing it from her mouth, then i get all stupid and start acting up over it with her sitting there most likely thinking what on earth have i done wrong.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Why is it that i will argue with her when she is saying 'i love you' and calling me her sister and everything, yet when others tell me bullshit i believe them. I dont understand myself. I just really am an awful person and why she puts  up with me...i just dont know. She takes me as i am, she dont care or give a fuck im not rolling in it, she dont care about my habit of letting people get to  me bother her, shes ok with the fact i seem to have a very odd taste in men and seem to get all the trouble makers...even though at the end of the day, she is the one picking up the pieces left. If your reading this, which i know you are because for once im sending you the link! please know that i love you, more than words can even begin to say, and know that  fully accept if their comes a day where you have had enough of me, i dont know why you havnt already! but at the same time thank you so much for being there for me, you have given me a kindness noone else has and thats amazing....you look after me like  sister should, but as you should not have to. I know im stupid and i fuck things up, and that i say stupid things but i promise you i will try my hardest to get there for you...thank you.....thank you just thank you. I love you in my life, even if i dont show it, i want you there so please never ever doubt that, i just put up walls alot,or ill say stuff realise ive told too much, panic and try and put the walls up but then ending up taking itout on you because i cant take back what ive told you already...Please always remain honest with me. I hope i get to see you soon, just so i can hug you to death and thank you....your amazing you really are, the most beautiful kindest heart i know...i hope this makes you smile. I'm sorry for everything i have done and for being me. 

untitled....

Right so i really feel i need to write this blog, because there's this girl who i s doing my head in right now, so im going through a really tough time and well, i'm finding it hard to express my feelings and reasons behind my somewhat harmful actions (only to myself to don't worry guys), and the other day i got talking to someone who i thought was a good friend and got emotional, blurted  the whole thing out and now, well i really wish i hadn't. I try not to regret in my life but i can't help regretting that...i have a habit it seems of saying things then realising after that it was a super bad idea. Basically i've not spoken to them since 'that' night, and it really upsets me and angers me. Literally i have tried so many times to get in contact and i get nothing. I personally right now couldnt give a crap if they don't want me in their life anymore because at the end of the day, thats something you need to just learn to respect, regardless of what you want but it's the whole, blanking me completely that gets me, because it's not helping me and they are just creating for themselves because if they were to just be honest and tell me what they were feeling we could A: sort it and/or B: i can just leave  them alone but whatever. 
This week i have been super super busy and i am quite honestly happy that its coming to an end, the way i am at the moment i dont really  like being in crowded places, and i HATE being in  places at Christmas time because everyone is going mental trying to buy everything in time. This week for three days i had to look after my friends horses as she was having an operation and as much as i love doing that it was very much so hard work. Then i also ordered nearly all my christmas presents online about a week ago actually to save me having to go out but the one of the orders got messed up and instead of dealing with it where it was SO MUCH hassle i just cancelled it and went to Romford...well i was nearly in tears on so many occasions...i really hated it, i felt like i was suffocating, so in the end i had to borrow a little money off my nanna just so i dont have to go back in again later. I mean i need to still get things but i can get my mom to do that or something. 
Ahhhhh this time of year is driving me INSANE already, i literally have a huge headache already.

Important blog - Please read

Well, for those who read my blog on a regular basis and come back every week or so to check up for new posts, will know it is odd of me when i beg people to read what i have written, generally i don't, because i fully believe that everything should be of your own free will, but recently things have changed and i feel this blog, now more than ever needs to be written, it contains some really important stuff and could potentially save lives so please pass on.

Depression is what i want to talk about because it's a subject that is tossed around too much, people who have it are sometimes considered attention seekers, or simply insane and dangerous and this angers me and hurts me alot because it's just stupid to think such absurd things. I'm not meaning to have a go, but i want people to understand that depression is a real thing, and a real illness...yes there are many people on medication for it (i'll explain more in a sec) but that does not give you any right to judged them and belittle them, would you judge someone on cancer treatment? or who is anaemic and has to take iron supplements? The answer is no you wouldn't, and the sad thing is that depression is a very real illness as well, and people do not see it like that at all. There are many arguments that the medication is pointless because 'it's all in the head when it comes to mental illness' well yes, it is, but most mental illnesses, part of the main factor is a chemical imbalance in the brain, just like you can get a sugar imbalance or iron in balance, it's exactly the same as that, and can be as equally as dangerous...it shouldn't just be brushed over because it's not well talked about. 

I want to urge my readers to look at the people around them for signs of mental illness, this can be anything from depression (mild), right up to manic depression and (potentetionally) suicidal actions. Just being able to notice once of these symptoms, holding out your hand for someone to hold, could easily be a matter of life or death. I think i have told you this before, but there was once a story about a man, and he decided that he was going to walk miles to this bridge and jump off because he couldnt stomach life anymore and felt unloved, however he said that one person smiled at him on the way, he would walk home, rip up the suicide note and get help...he jumped...and this is what i mean...i'm not sayin it's our fault, because sometimes the symptoms are not there, sometimes people can become incredible at hiding them but its just a matter of being aware... 

Symptoms include

• lack of social interaction (constantly making excuses for not going out)
• putting self down, calling self worthless, 'i would be better of dead' general self loathing
• appearing very emotional, (crying, not being able to smile, sitting quietly if they normally have a gob the size of Russia)
• Thinking everyone hates them (including friends and close family) 
• run down lack of care of appearance (speaks for itself)
• cut/graze/burn/slash marks, (these could be anywhere on the body although in most cases are hidden by the person in question)
• loss of interest in things that used to be enjoyed
• appetite or weight changes (this could also be a sign of an eating disorder 
• anger or mood changes  (this literally could go either way but normally its the feeling of helplessness, in some cases it might be extreme happiness followed by extreme lows and this is called rapid cycling and is normally associated with metal disorders such as bi polar.
• reckless behaviour...what is says really...not giving a damn and going out doing all sorts of dangerous things
• Denial..most people will deny they are depressed, or have an eating disorder, or are self harming whatever it may be

If you are worried about anybody you know then please do not go in guns blazing and have it out with them or whatever you want to call it, because if they really are depressed, i can assure you for a fact that that attitude will not help at all...it would actually make it most likely worse, because that person is likely to think you are 'ganging up on them' and when they are already feeling self loathing and that everyone hates them it will just make them think it more.

Depression is something that is hard to understand if you have never been there and quite honestly i feel it is best left to the doctors...be there for your friend or whoever the person may be, be a shoulder to cry on, show them love, encourage them, but don't try to fix them...because if anything was to happen, you are going to end up thinking that there should have been more you could have done, i've been there, i know the feeling and it's literally heart breaking, it rips you apart inside and it's hard to look towards the future.

Also another thing i just want to add, you shouldn't really take anything personally if someone is majorly depressed i mean if they say they are going to kill themselves or hurt themselves its important you let someone know but if you are trying to help and they tell you something like 'go away' or 'i never wanna talk to you again' it could just be the way they are feeling, give them time to breathe and calm down...with depression and metal disorders all you can try to do is be as understanding and supportive as possible
Ok, so i think I'm pretty much written out, this has been hard for me to write and i dont think i can do more, i just feel it was very important...  please note i am not trained in this, it's just stuff i know and have learnt though my life and if you want anymore information please speak to someone like a foctor or something...
MIND is also a very good website to check out xxxxx 

Building a friendship on no trust

It's crazy, that how as the years go by we can develop and grow and become more 'whole' again, no matter what has happened in our past...after being forced to not trust when you are small, to eventually growing up feeling and knowing that it is actually ok to trust. The sad thing is that that trust can be broken again by one small insignificant thing, or one person.
I've always been a very secretive person, 99.9% of my friends don't really know me, they dont know what has happened in my past, they dont know the rough patches i go though because i would generally rather not speak it out, yes a problem shared is a problem halved but i always have this issue of being a burden on others so i don't like it. I have something going on in my life right now that i have only told a few people, a few people of whom i am closest too and that i really thought i could trust...i can count them on one hand out of all the people i know. So there's this person, who was meant to be my 'best' friend, and she knew for ages something was going on and after getting a headache of pestering me for an answer and after a long think i decide i would tell her. She stood in front of me..cried, hugged me and swore to keep that to herself..promised me she would help me in any way possible.
I can't believe i even have to write what i am writing a blog that starts of the way it did, should not have to end with this, but that 'friend' has now told everyone she knows about everything, and whilst most people tell her to shut up, because clearly it's not her's to be telling and the fact that (most likely) she was making it out to be that i was dying or something knowing in her. THEN she had the cheek to turn round and blame others for it, and to deny even mentioning it, despite the fact i had an entire room full of people to back me up. I've lost my trust again completely, and this saddens me because it's taken me a long while to build it back up again from last time, it was even full trust, and now, well i feel like i am just back at square one again..I feel alone and i feel vulnerable, i keep thinking back and putting all those what if's? in but that never works and only makes the situation worse. It makes me mad too, trust is a beautiful thing, so beautiful, yet so so so delicate...it's sad that this can happen and things can change within a matter of seconds. 
You said you were my best friend? Well you don't know the meaning of the word friend, ler alone the word best put in front of it. I'm sorry but i don't think this relationship is one worth having in my life, you can't build anything on no trust.

When a loved one passes away

There comes a time in a life, no matter whom you are..age, class, race, religion, where you should just stop and pause...look around and thank god that we have our loved ones, the ones that mean the world and more to us. The thing is, we need to remember that nothing in life is guaranteed, at at any day, any moment, or time, they could pass into the night...and your chance to appreciate them, hug them, love them and spend quality time with them is gone...gone until you meet up again in another life. We need to see just how lucky we are to have them. Sometimes in life we need to give up on everything that makes us selfish towards others, no matter how hard that may be or seem....you should do it for the well being of them, and even for the well being of yourself. Sometimes to give somebody a better quality of life we have to give up something that is deemed a luxury, but for a loved one, are they or are they not, the greatest gift of all? 

Life can be a total bitch sometimes, trust me i would know..loosing people you love is never easy, and god always seems to want to pick the moment we are at our weakest the throw us in at the deep end without a paddle. It's about learning to prepare yourself for moments such as this. It's not going to take the pain away, by no means should it, everyone is aloud to grieve it is a right, but, if we can learn to detach our innermost feelings then when it comes to saying goodbye, when it comes to waving that loved one off to the next life, it will hopefully, in someway ease the gut wrenching pain you are feeling at the loss of this soul.

I know that there a moments in life where you will go though thinking you are completely dependant on one person..you consider them 'your heart'...i once heard a quote...

'Don't make someone your everything, because when they are gone, you have nothing'

this is true, but when you come to a crossroad in life and you have to choose between leaving your 'heart' behind and going with the path in which you are sure is your destiny, then sometimes leaving a little of yourself behind is a sacrifice worth considering, sometimes in the death of a loved one, you find it hard to leave the place in which they were laid to rest...but would they want that? for you to be tied up?  No...
Look back and think....'I've given all of the love i could give but now it's my turn to go out a live my life' it's ok to want to do that... 
take that leap of faith
spread your wings
and learn how to fly
'Don't go telling me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon'

Feed the world

'and there wont be snow in africa this christmas time, the greatest gift they'll get this year is life'

I've been thinking recently about this song alot, and yet again, it is a subject that comes up alot in my house at this time of year. I will constantly be talking about the children in places such as Africa whom have nothing. I think i drive my family to the point of insanity when i will constantly and forever go on about wanting to be the change, and make the change on this earth. Whilst here we take the snow for granted, most of the children out there have never even seen a snowflake in their life...and i know that now i am older snow can be a total pain, and being a horsie person, even more so...but i remember back to when i was a child and the HOURS upon end i used to spend outside in the winter having fun with my friends, tobogganing, snowball fights, building snowmen, making snow angels, and it saddens me that these beautiful children miss out, and ok, that is a part of being in a country such as Africa, when my friend came over for Christmas a few years ago from Jamaica she FREAKED out when she saw the snow, because she had never seen it before in her life, and she was an adult. It's things that we take for granted all the time, that they out there dont even get a chance to have. The greatest gift they'll get this year is life...haha the thing that gets me about that line, is that over here, everyone expects presents for Christmas..the expect a huge roast and for the non veggies, turkey with all the trimmings...Christmas is literally a time for pigging out...we get all of this, when out in Africa, the greatest gift they get is their life...? well shouldnt that be something that is guaranteed anyway..? why just because the live in a different country from us, should they have to spend their entire lifes worrying about staying alive, why cant they spend that time BEING ALIVE...there is a big difference...

I think as a country we are selfish, and i know i am going to get people arguing with me about that, but it's what i feel. Not just England either, i'm talking about all of the MEDC countries...i mean, do you REALLY need that extra pair of shoes? do you really need all that extra food over Christmas time? how about going without a little this year and giving to the third world countries...? We are all better of than those children...so there is still no excuse...it took my mum 3 years to save up enough so i could just have a party for my 18th, and she saves up all year and goes without herself just to give us things at Christmas, but even then...i give, when i get money i give instead of take...and im not saying im perfect because im not, i certainly do not value my own life enough, and thats incredibly selfish of me, but what i am saying is that no matter how much money you have, even if you can spare a penny, you could help to make a child's Christmas. We need to start giving and becoming one with eachother, not clone like but together as in no more fighting, and always sharing, equal rights for all.

So basically all i am saying is think of them please when, on the build up to Christmas you are out shopping, pop a few extra things in your basket and make sure they are sent for a charity.. one thing that i love, and one year i must have made about 30 of them and wrapped even more...the shoe box appeal, so if you dont know what that is could you please just google it and have a look?  I mean i was putting some of my old teddies in the and little party bag bits in each to make one box cost about £3:00 thats all....but i KNOW it helped to make a child's Christmas and is that not priceless?

'theres a world outside your window' there really is, and we need to accept that and make use of ourselves, sometimes it's easy to forget when your snug on the sofa with a hot cocoa and good book, but really..it's being a good human being.

thank you for reading this, please pass on this message to all of your friends, if by this i change at least on child's Christmas then i am happy xx

Lion King at west end :)

SO I FINALLY GOT TO SEE LION KING!!! yayayayay ok i need to calm it down so i can just say everything i need to say because im gonna have trouble doing it anyway because there is just so much and half of it i do not know where to even begin with it neither do i know how to start explaining. Well, let's just put it this way, it was breathtaking, from the second the lights went down and that first spotlight came up i was hooked...glued to the end of my seat with my eyes and heart full of wonder and amazement. This show, well i don't think anything can compare with it, and there are other musicals that still remain up top there for me, wicked, rent, and close behind les mis...but the lion king is right up there. I first of all start kicking myself when i first arrived, as we had these awesome seats where we could literally see EVERYTHING that was going on, on every aspect of the stage but the dumbass i was, i forgot my glasses and i literally am terrible with distance without them...i was sitting there thinking FUCK...but then i realised that i actually had a pair of binoculars in the seat in front of me so i was able to put some money into it and grab a pair of them. Lifting them up to my eyes i got to see even more of the show, i found myself captivated and drawn into the story, into the lives of these animals on stage, and let me tell you, the costumes are amazing, many times i forgot there were actually human beings up on that stage and not real animals, and i think for me anyway, that added to the entire magic that came with being at this show :)  This show left me feeling such an array of emotions there were times i were laughing so hard that i was practically laying on the floor, and at the same time, there were the times when i was crying cuddled up to my sister...The lion king really is powerful and i urge anyone reading this to go see it.  I am lucky to have got my ticket free but i would pay up to go see it again without a second doubt. It applies for all ages to, the group of friends i was with, ranged between 15 and 21, and we all thought it was spectacular....then there was an old couple sitting behind up, whom said the same thing, a young couple sitting on my other side, who i heard say 'wow best present ever' and there were two little children in the row in front...i would say no older than 6, and thats maximum and they were having the time of their lives, the loved every minute of it...i think that...for the kids seeing it all on stage makes their disney movies real for them, it helps them believe in dreams and gives hope, which i think is a very good thing to be teaching todays youth. They may be too young to understand the story underneath all the bright colors, and vibrant dances full of energy and sound, but then that is the part for the older children and for the adults...thats what i love about the lion king....it teaches all ages....every generation has a chance to grow from the message given though this show.

This morning i found out that my friend helen's friend was the guy who would be playing adult simba, and this made me super excited even more so because it meant i could feel some sort of connection, it's hard to explain it really is...but it's like, i felt pride for him because i know Helen, and from what she has told me he is a wonderful man, who deserves this chance more than anyone. He took my breath away from the first moment he walked on stage the energy literally rocketed and i didn't even think it could do that anymore lol! At the end of this song it was the interval and i text Helen to say to let her friend know he was awesome, and she told me to wait till i heard him sing endless night which is a song that always gets me emotional anyway (for personal reasons) and oh my gosh, i couldnt speak, no words can come to me when i try to explain what i saw and heard on that stage..no feelings can begin to go there..i felt every single word that that man on stage sung, he had such a presence about him...i couldnt even breathe through my tears.....pure magic.... 

But just oh my gosh....i loved every second of it, and saying what i said about endless night, well that goes for the entire show but that song just grabbed me more than it ever had before..it really was amazingly performed...I actually could write forever about the show, but i'm never going to find the right words simply because there are not any...it was epic..

Right, so on our way back home Katie decided she was hungry, (I'm so super jealous she can eat like a horse and yet still remain incredibly beautiful and slim, how she does it is beyond me. But we popped into tescos to fill up :) We decided to walk back though Covent Garden on the way back to the underground and oh my gosh i am now so hyper about winter wonderland which i am hoping to go to...if i am ok with the immense amount of people there but just like...Covent Garden in defiantly my favourite place in all of London and at Christmas, and at night nonetheless, it is even more beautiful :) HA! and then my klutz of a sister Alice decided to fall down the stairs at the station on our way back she just slipped, landed on her arse and dissolved into fits of laughter, closely followed by Katie and I who were on the floor next to her laughing equally as hard....i think everyone else found it funny, but not as funny as we seemed to find it.

As we jumped on the train coming home we were greeted with 'hell yeah we've got us some bitches and sluts' apparently it's Irish tradition to get drunk on the tube and try and hit on girls haha! So we were singing if your happy and you know it with them and they were doing this crazy dance with it whilst remaining sitting down and holding their drink! When we got off at the next stop they followed haha, but then were getting on another train (thanks the one slightly more sober one telling the others they were not going to follow us home!) so after going round kiss everyone goodbye, including trying it on with dean which i loved haha! We were off again minus our new found Irish friends!.. Then when we changed again at Liverpool street there was this Irish guy in the underground playing his flute *prompt the irish dancing* i will try and get a video of that up at some point, so bear with me on that! I actually love the Irish he was so friendly bless him! Defiantly was to go to Ireland now please!  Alice and Katie are irish so if they ever go home i guess i'll pop back with them haha....or i hope anyway :) Then on the way home we literally sung the entire way and even got the train joining in with us which was awesome, much to deans embarrassment....all we got from him was... 'i've had them for 7 hours, dont encourage them more' so of course that made the 'audince' join in more...although Dean was laughing which didn't help, he personally loved it i know :) 

But wow such an awesome evening, i really did enjoy myself. :) <3