Goodbye 2012

Dear 2012
I can't believe that we are already saying goodbye... I mean I remember this time last year getting ready to bring you into the world and now your leaving. I'm sorry we didn't make a good time of it. 2012 quite honestly has been the worst year of my life... And I didn't think that was possible after the couple of years before that. I'm am PRAYING to whoever is above that 2013 will be better.it has to get better right?
So before you go I wanted to have a little look back and speak about a few of my memories. First of all what went right? Well in February you blessed me with my little baby girl lady...you gave me the best pony a girl could ever wish for. She lifted me up, touched my soul in ways nothing else has ever done before. I am so grateful for her thank you, I can't believe it's coming up to a year for how long I've had her. ummm what else? Thank you for letting me get to experience jazz fest again that was amazing... I will never fail to love Germany. I got to experience my first time in the ever beautiful America. One of the most incredible, different, new, exciting and at the same time most scary times I've had. I got to see friends I had not soon in YEARS and that just made my life. They are all so grown up now... I can't believe it... Stef even has kids!! Thank you for letting England host the London 2012 Olympics. It made me so proud to be British, it was incredible to watch, really amazing to see our country perform something so spectacular. Thank you for all my new friends I've gained... Again for them all I am so grateful.
But, you took a lot of my friends away too didn't you? You caused alot of people to take their own life and you took people away from accident, illness and old age too.. Too much for me this year... To much for me to handle and I kinda fell apart didn't I? I wish that.. I just wish I could have enjoyed you and seen more positive times in you. Oh boy and didn't you cause alot of destruction to the planet? I've literally never seen anything like it before. I turned 20... No longer a teenager argh... I can't believe ill be 21 soon.. Anyway I wish you well I shall not forget you and I will try not to regret you. I will learn from every mistake and painful thing you taught me.
RENT taught me so much can happen in a year and I saw that alot from you.
Here's to a better 525,600 minutes to measured in LOVE.
Caio 2012.
Love Me
X

PS: I'm sorry for this not being as much like my other posts... I'm just too emotional this year... Very raw... I only came out of hospital today... Hopefully my goodbye to 2013 will be full of happiness. :)

Xx

Sandy Hook

First of all before i even start i want to say sorry yet again for being so crap at keeping this thing updated, I've just been very ill recently to the point where i have had to go to the hospital twice and had to stay in too. I urgently wanted to write this blog the day that it happened but i was in so much shock. I was crying a lot, was fuming and quite honestly i didn't know all the facts then...I wanted to be able to write a good dedication without getting anything wrong.  

December 14, 2012... Adam Lanza fatally shot twenty children and six staff  at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. 
One person, that single handedly took 26 innocent lives...lives of people that had a future, that had family and friends that loved them beyond compare. Children no older than seven, children who were meant to have their whole lives ahead of them now lie dead...that whole future taken away by one evil sadistic barstard. Children that could have inspired the world to give up war, stand for world peace and children that could have found the cure to cancers. Gone. Just like that. Mothers etc left without their child..no mother should have to live to see their child die..no one should have to feel that heartbreak. especially in the cold blood of an evil killer... Parents sent their children to school that morning without a thought to what was going to happen, with no idea whatsoever that that would be the last time they ever got to see their child alive. Imagine that? Imagine how awful that must be. To lose your child without even getting a chance of goodbye

• Charlotte Bacon, 6
• Daniel Barden, 7
• Olivia Engel, 6
• Josephine Gay, 7
• Dylan Hockley, 6
• Madeline Hsu, 6
• Catherine Hubbard, 6
• Chase Kowalski, 7
• Jesse Lewis, 6
• Ana Marquez-Greene,6
• James Mattioli, 6
• Grace McDonnell, 6
• Emilie Parker, 6
• Jack Pinto, 6
• Noah Pozner, 6
• Caroline Previdi, 6
• Jessica Rekos, 6
• Avielle Richman, 6
• Benjamin Wheeler, 6
• Allison Wyatt 6

Teachers having to throw themselves before children knowing that this was it...that they wouldn't be coming out, just because their compassion for their job and their love of children is so strong...so strong, they would rather die than let a single child in their care die. They to went to work that morning not knowing what they day would bring of course, but never ever could they have imagined this... so why on earth would they have bothered making sure to say goodbye to all their loved ones..? Their was no point they would be seeing them again that afternoon right? Wrong. Adam took the life of six members of staff that that day. He took away hopes, dreams and futures...With killing the 26 people he did, he destroyed the life of many and broke a million hearts. 

• Rachel D'Avino, 
• Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung, 
• Anne Marie Murphy, 
• Lauren Rousseau, 
• Mary Sherlach, 
• Victoria Soto

No one has the right to take lives away...no one. The only person fit to judge that in any way shape or form is God. This one event has left the world reeling. All messages of prayers and hope being sent to the families and victims of this terrible massacre. There are enough people dying every day so why on earth kill people just for the sake it? most of all when there is children that young involved. It actually makes me feel sick... i feel ill when i think that someone could do that. 

I just pray that all the dead are safe and well in heaven now, that they didn't try to understand...because how could one ever understand? i hope they just went towards the light with  courage in their heart...I can't think of anyone who deserves to be at peace finally than names listed above. I hope they are safe, i hope they are happy. I hope they are whole again and no longer in any pain. For the people left on the earth i hope they find solace in whatever they can find to keep them strong. Be it memories, God, family and friends anything, i know that its going to be impossible to get over, but i hope they find inner peace to a point where they can live their lives again for their loved ones that were lost. I hope the poor children and staff who had to witness their friends dying around them find the strength to carry on...and live though the trauma that has been put upon them.  

This world needs to change and for the better, sooner rather than later.

 (in loving memory of all this lost in the Sandy Hook Elementary School attacks.) 

Travel on a jet plane...far away

more than anything right now i want to be on a jet plane travelling as far away as possible from england and this place I'm living in, i wanna see the world, experience different cultures.. i don't want to be sitting in one place for the rest of my life.  I hate not being out of the country for a while it literally drives me insane. i am honestly a person who could sleep anywhere and live in a suitcase...i would LOVE to get on a random plane not even knowing where I'm going and just explore because thats one of my dreams. Having to get to know the country and the language or getting seriously messed up. This year i was blessed to have gone back to my second home for a long weekend (DEUTSCHLAND) and spend time with my sister there at a jazz festival and ok, normally i spend a lot more time in Germany every year so I'm pretty sad that that was it but it happened. Then i was home for a little while and got to spend two weeks in the beautiful USA (my third home) seeing friends in Utah, Michigan and Nebraska...possibly one of the most amazing trips for me. i want to be there again i want to be away from what I'm meant to call home, this will never be home for me.  2013 bring me new places please. 

That time of the year...

I'm pretty upset right now and it's funny because the first place i have come to is my blog. The one place where i can say what i want (well most of it) without giving a crap about getting judged.  My mom is currently downstairs putting up the christmas tree and i have HAD to take myself away from the situation because with every decoration going up i was reminded of what i didn't have anymore that made christmas real. My granddad. My family are not exactly religious so i don't understand the need to celebrate it now the fact my brother and i are both over 18. All I'm getting from my mom is 'come on this was g'dads favourite time of the year, make the most of it but i can't i just can't. To me now, christmas in my house seems to be about buying presents and receiving presents and of course the general pigging out on shit loads of complete crap which will only make you 10 stone heavier. Ok i admit i like giving a lot, but then i do that 24/7 though out the year, i don't need christmas to be able to do that it's so stupid, i also like the pigging out apart...ok....maybe that bits fun...but working off the extra calories in the new year drives me insane!  

Anyway, when i was younger christmas was MAGICAL and i mean..amazing..my granddad used to hide bells in his pockets all the time and ring them so my brother and I thought Santa was flying above checking we were all behaving..i used to sit by the window with my little faced pressed up against the glass trying to find Santa in the sky. On christmas day my gramps would come into my room, whisper in my ear 'santa's been' then pick me up and give my a fireman's lift down the stairs leaving me in a heap, historically laughing in the middle of my presents. He then took the job of putting everything together or putting batteries in the would have a great time playing with mine and my brothers toys with us with always  the excuse 'i'm just checking there working'

This time pf year now, i just i just want to hibernate in my room and never leave...if it were not for my horse, then knowing in me i would do that.... my horse is an amazing source of strength for me.  

Oh christmas tree the memories you bring ....

update

Been a while since I posted so i wanna give you all an update. First of all I'm sorry for not getting on recently...i've only just started seeing a new doctor in the past few weeks and i guess that has taken a lot out of me...when I've been home I've just wanted to sleep or cry. I will get  there though so no one worry about me I'm fine! My therapy is harder than anything I've ever done before and its scaring me to death even after two weeks that imma have a another 3 months of this left. But i don't know. I have a huge feeling this WILL get me somewhere if i stick with it so it's worth the battle and fight. What i want more than anything is to be able to live a normal life and if that means three months of hell to pay then i think I'm ok with that..getting it out...making a way for a new me for my 21st :)  YAY