love, compassion, friendship, joy,

Whatever our hands touch—

We leave fingerprints!
On walls, on furniture,
On doorknobs, dishes, books,
As we touch we leave our identity.
Oh please where ever I go today,
Help me leave heartprints!
Heartprints of compassion
Of understanding and love.
Heartprints of kindness
and genuine concern.
May my heart touch a lonely neighbor
Or a runaway daughter,
Or an anxious mother,
Or, perhaps, a dear friend!
I shall go out today
To leave heartprints,
And if someone should say
“I felt your touch,”
May that one sense be…YOUR LOVE
Touching through ME.
This is to all the wonderful people
I have met!I offer you my hand in friendship
so that when you reach out in times of need,
you can be certain that I’ll always be there.
when it returns to you,
you’ll know who’ll be your friends for life!!!


Please note i do not own copyright to this i found it and think its beautiful and something for me to live for

R.I.P Whitney Houston

Well first of all i can't believe that i am writing this, that i am saying the words Whitney Houston has passed away. When my mum woke me up with that this morning i literally got up fine and was like oh ok...i don't think i registered it within myself. I mean how can someone like Whitney be dead? It's unreal how crazy that sounds...it's one of those things that you know will happen and you know has to happen one day but at the same time you can't believe it. I never imagined a world without her in it..I mean the past three days i have been tweeting lines from her songs..it's ironic really..and now she is gone..  
I'm sad, i'm crying now and I've been crying a lot... I don't actually think its stupid... for once in my life i don't think it's stupid.. There is this thing about a human heart,and that is you don't need to know someone personally to grieve..i mean i really honestly think the entire world is gonna grieve over this..in my lifetime i have never seen anything like this before...i mean when MJ died there were still people saying bad things about him, yet i have not heard one thing about her like that...its all messages of R.I.P, and love for her, for her family and for everyone else who was ever lucky enough to work with such an incredible woman.  Theres not much we can really do as much as we would like to change what has happened..yet again this is a part of the circle of life...even though it 100% does not make sense i fully believe within my heart that it happened for a reason... everything always does and will for the rest of time. 
Whitney..wow what can i say..my heart is broken i cannot believe that you are gone...you were a huge part of my life, when i think of your name my head will list off a reel of songs that you wrote that literally changed my life, that made me see life from a different view, a better view.  I want to take the time to explain just a tiny handful of songs that changed me...  
greatest love of all - 'I believe that the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride to make it easier, let the children's laughter, remind us how we used to be' I love this song i love the lyrics, the amount of times i have sung this is unbelievable, Whitney this song was the one that really made me listen to your music, it is actually one of my most favourite songs in the world, it really it. It was thanks to this song that i wanted to make a change in this world.. This song is the one that inspired my whole travel though the LEDC countries, helping them build a life idea. If i manage that, if i get to that place and make a change to those peoples lives, can you see now how much people will be grateful to you. You are here even though you are gone. Your lyrics will stay, as will your memory . even if your body and soul may be long gone..
You also taught me with this ( with the beatles help that love really is the greatest thing of all) 'find your strength in love' i don't think you could understand how much i do that...When my grandad passed away i listened to this song over and over and over again..kept me going. thank you.  
That's what friends are for - 'And I, never thought i'd feel this way, but as far as I'm concerned i'm glad i got the chance to say, that i do believe i love you, and if, i should ever go away, well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today' This song makes me so grateful...so so grateful for friendship... I mean it taught me that just because someone is no longer in your life it does not mean that they are no longer in your heart and vise versa, i mean, i have so many good friends who i went to school with and i never even talk to them anymore...life means we have lost contact, but that does not mean that i do not think of them and it does not mean they are absent from my heart now. This song is beautiful, i  cried so hard when i first it.  
You were loved- Well i did know what i wanted to write about this song but actually you know what it's insignificant..i think this song is a wonderful dedication to you and your life and right now thats all thats important, this blog is for you and about you... 
Ok well there are so many other songs that I'm obsessed with, where do broken hearts go?, your cover of i believe i can fly, amazing grace and i know him so well.  I will always love you, the number one classic, didn't we almost have it all?, all at once, count on me, i have nothing, I wanna dance with somebody, not right but it's ok, learned from the best, every woman, one moment in time, missing you, your love is your love, natural woman, saving all my loving for you, when you believe, You'll never stand alone.... and literally they are just the ones that pop off the top of my head... 
Lady you are amazing, your really are going to missed greatly in this world.. I can't believe you passed away on what is my granddads birthday, he adored you he really did, i think i got it from him..so expect a big welcome up there..he will ask you to sing for him though i can warn.  
Stay safe beautiful and now free spirit, free, to fly on the winds, heaven needed another angel. 
'One by one another the good die young'  

August 9, 1963 – February 11, 2012 

THANK YOU!!!

Hardly no promo this month and still another 1000 hits (7000 woooo) thank you so much :) Love you all! Sorry I've been writing nothing recently this will change!!!!

Stay beautiful and true to yourself xxxxxx

Another lion king blog

Here i go again,going off on one of my lion king rampages...for anyone who hates lion king..I'm sorry i advise you not to read. I actually havnt spoken about my obsession this year...i dont think. So now is a perfect time to write again.
Well today i wanted to write about the dance i done with the YA in the fall and yes i have spoken about this dance many a time before but i just felt i wanted to write more about it...about the guy i learnt the dance from and the whole experience that time.

Everytime i dance the Lion king with the young Americans i feel something different, i change a little inside...another piece of my heart is opened up...my head is clearer...but oh my gosh...the last workshops i took, i flew to Germany, i literally have never seen a more amazing cast, or more, i have never trusted a group of people enough to let them in like i did with them...I mean even the company director oh my gosh (Tina) I loved her to hell and back, and it broke my heart inside when i had to say goodbye, just as it does with the YA. People always seem to overlook the director, well both Tina and I had our last workshop in Gotha which is a beautiful town that  fell in love with, and the kids were incredible...and there is this medley dedicated to the world, to working together to create something beautiful....and I was watching Tina the entire time, and in the end i was like 'screw it!!!!' and asked for her to come sing with us all, it was literally the best feeling ever, the best. NEVER BE AFRAID..even if you hands are shaking...and your faith is broken,...even as the eyes are closing, do it with a heart wide open. Don't be afraid. It's ok.
But Tina was beautiful, she touched my heart and..wow...she was like the perfect director for such a perfect cast...
Where i do so much performing arts stuff, I'm used to working with lots of different people and moving on and never really seeing them again and i deal with that pretty well.  I mean my heart will break at the time but i get over it pretty quickly...well...i still miss this cast..more than ever i still miss this cast with every fibre of my being, whenever I'm having a shit day (often recently), i always try to look back..at what that cast taught me.
I'm gonna try SO hard to take all of it into the workshop i am taking next month..although physically i am so ill right now, i don't even know if i will cope with workshop...but if i am ok..if i manage to not faint, or end up crying I'm in so much pain with my stomach haha..then i will try and give it all i have.
This cast...( I love how i go off subject all the time because i have so much to say) I couldn't ask to have met better people...in the worst of situations i cope so much better..When Topper died in december, i cuddled into my little irish man at the stables and gave him a hug (that horse is my life)...instead of being stupid over something that was indeed just a part of the circle of life...My butterfly tattoo, instead of self harming all the time...i consider all that cast to be a part of that butterfly...they all mean that much to me.
OK..I'm gonna actually do the blog i came to do....first of all i would like to dedicate this to a girl who helped me a lot and her little baby Maisie...for the meaning of lion king..I hope this brings you strength. love you.
So I danced this dance with Rob this time (and with this amazing other boy who i think was called tom..i'm 20 in a week or so my brain cells are dying i can't remember!!!) and it was perfect because i knew the dance from previous stick dances, so i really got to focus on the meaning behind the dance and song even more than ever. I remember Rob saying to me something along these lines.

'The best of the sticks like you already said is the heartbeat, now we start that heartbeat, thats why your centre sticks, that why i picked you i think you are the strongest in the workshop. We are going to go out there and dance from within us...' Well...even in rehearsal i cried every single time, and the best bit, i felt different every time..thats what i love about dance, most of all lyrical, it has so much power and so much soul.  The first time i learnt the dance (this is to shadowlands btw) Emma taught me that it was a story....going through something hard in your life and getting to your lowest of lowest and coming back up again...(and yet again i'm crying my eyes out this always happens!) Everytime i try to reflect that within my movement...and when i'm up on that stage in front of people i just want to give the message, and the fall cast taught me not to give a TOSS what people thought, or how much of a bad dancer i am just to dance..The best moment came when Nartan took my hand and said i danced the entire Lion King medley with such passion and such heart, like oh my gosh that just meant a lot..the trying not to cry thing was a struggle then too..When he said he could see the whole story i was telling from within my eyes...that meant more to me than anything else ever...

I just want to explain the heartbeat thing and this Maisie is where it becomes a message for you and you mum. When i was in workshop, i learnt the heartbeat was what kept all us all together, the heart beat made us one.. and one i keep with me, is that no matter where i go i will still have my heart beating along with all the people i was blessed to dance that dance with. Even the kids who i didn't take workshop with, from that dance i was taught, we are all connected in a circle of life...even when our time on earth is over, as long as a heartbeat, somewhere remains, that person/loved one never dies..NEVER...Their heart beats though YOUR heart.
'They live in you, They live in my, their watching over, everything we see, in every creature, in every star..in your reflection they live in you.'
The circle of life is the most beautiful concept ever...it gives me hope i will see my grandad again, the man who was my father to me. It gives me hope i will see my friends i've lost again and all the little animals, as insignificant as they may be to others, anything that meant a lot to me..it gives me hope i will see them again.
To me..i now believe that nothing is ever final  and that no matter if someone in body is gone, it does not mean they have to be gone. I mean my grandad is here more than ever, and theres this beautiful YA called Gweedo who passed away in 2006, he is still very much alive..because the people who loved him keep him alive and pass his story on.
From this blog i wanted to show how much this dance means, again...i mean, i learnt to accept death though the young americans...i learnt to let go, i learnt goodbyes are sometimes the only way to go, i learnt we are all one. i learnt we are connected, i learnt the real meaning behind lion king and the circle of life ( i will like cry every time i see lion king...i went to see it in London a month or so back, i was crying pretty much the entire way though...WOW...so much power...
LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE They need each other. and remember what i said just because someone is not here in body does not mean they are no longer alive anymore. As long as they live on within your heart...they are alive too...
Please take this blog and understand what i am saying...I actually love you all just for reading this, just for taking time to read this...
I wish you 525,600 minutes of everything you could ever want..  xxxx
PS: added is the video of the stick dance i was talking about and for those who know what I'm like watch me...just watch me..im actually at the front this time, and I'm jot trying to hide...im not running away and oh my gosh the passion i am putting into it, i was gobsmacked when i watched it back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0lFkn7S8GE&lc=5kSuQO6l26P7xFiUU2HkJAPNIMH2fvnIFwbgp-jiggo&feature=inbox

PPS: Please PLEASE check out the YA website and see what they can offer, they really do change lives so much, as you can read here...and that dance bear in mind that was one part of the show which they taught to hundreds of kids who spoke german in two days...im just crying again thinking about it..if you know ANYWHO who will benefit from the incredible opportunity then please get in touch....(with them not me that would be pointless and i never check my mail. www.youngamericans.org i am sure thats right, if not google and it will pop up right away  :)

Somebody that i used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and now we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

This song sings my heart today

A roller-coaster.

Sometimes people put up walls..not to hurt the ones they love...not to anger, not to inflict any negative impact, just sometimes, people put up walls to see just who cares enough to knock them down, or at least attempt to. It's not always someone being difficult...I mean you ask how someone is and they say i'm fine when you know they are not..hug them, say i know your not fine and try to help them and talk to them, let them see they are cared about..yes it might take a while..because trust me i can tell you from experience that some things are super hard to talk about...even the subject of it makes that person feel ill..but at the same time..,don't push too much but be there for that person, and they will find out they can be who they are with you. It's sad that some people will have hundreds of Facebook friends or followers on twitter whatever, but no one actually gives two fucks what happens to them at the end of the day. But it does make that person grateful when just one or two of their so called friends are there..and stay there regardless of everything.
Life is a proper bitch and i think actually is the biggest of all i have ever come across, and i have met some two faced bitches in my life. It always seems to have a habit of throwing more and more shit upon you when you are already close to breaking point...i don't understand that, and i don't think it's even something thats meant to be understood at all.
One thing i am SICK to death of, is people calling others attention seekers without even knowing whats going on..this subject just gets me so made...how dare you judge a person if you have never walked a step in their shoes..?!?!?!?! you should never judge a book by its cover..ever...You get to know the story first on the inside. you can't just take a look a the face, or go from what other people 'tell you' and expect everything to be ok...you can't just expect that you are correct instantly. Argh it just gets me so mad. I strongly dislike people who will go around saying things like self harm, eating disorders and mental illness and just cries for attention. Ok, maybe in some situations, it is more about wanting attention, i have known people self harm, then put the pictures on Facebook and tag their friends in it saying 'this is because of you lot'  and trust me that hurts like a bitch...spesh if your a person that only tries to help others...but even then i thought...well she must be desperate to do that. to go to that level, so yeah, ok, she was crying out for attention...but again...the only people who can judge are the ones who know her full story...and the only person who knows that is God. But in the long term, self harm is very much a private and hidden thing. If you were to go to any school in the Uk and pick out 30 students, there is about a 95% chance that at least one of them will self injure, then if you take that percentage and the amount of students you actually know self harm... there will be a big difference i can assure you.  So how can that be attention seeking? Even anorexia and other ED problems..a person suffering from one of them will not wake up one day and be like 'ok i'm going to never eat' and instantly drop all the weight and look ill. It takes time...so before you judge that girl in your class who is clearly suffering from an eating disorder think about how long that must have been going on for for her to even get like that in the first place without you knowing. How can that be attention seeking?
Depression is one of the biggest taboo's that there is and i hate that because its one of the illness' that needs more understanding..you are never really taught about depression in school..never. The only way you get guidance on something like that is if a class mate killed him or herself and then some person will be called in to talk to the students. I think this is wrong, if students can be taught about the effects of cancer, and smoking then depression should  be put in there too. It could save a lot of hassle and actually a lot of suicides if someone can see when their friend in not good inside.
Ok i just needed to rant this out because it's pissing me off something chronic....remember sometimes walls are put up to see just who cares enough to break them down.

Movin on but we can't slow down

'flying without wings.. you find it in the deepest friendship the kind you cherish all your life'
ok, i need to write i need to blog because this something i need to get out now because otherwise i will just let it sit around on me and it will do no good, and currently i am can see the good in it so i thought how about write about it now?
Literally i have spent the past 45/50 minutes talking with my sister about the fact that she had an incredible day in york today when she went to see her uni...Like literally all my best friends  are amazing they got offers literally straight away from every uni they applied to, and don't get me wrong i am SO proud of them all, so proud you would not believe but at the same time i can't believe my sis is going to be so far away. Emma will be in London somewhere hopefully...that i can deal with but Alice will either be somewhere in York, Wales or Birmingham and the whole idea of that scares me like fucking crazy...

I don't know quite how i am going to function with my bestest friend in the entire world so far away..this person...has been there though everything with me, i can't think of someone who's been there more..this girl i have shared my best moments with, my happiest but yet at the same time also my worst.. The time i downed a large vodka, slashed myself to pieces and was fully intent on killing myself and Alice happen to call me...she knew i was not ok, was round and just hugged me, regardless of the blood, regardless of her uniform regardless of me having no make up on..she was there... She was there when i wouldn't stand up to the doctors for my treatment and she was the one that stood up and said hey this is not right....The time i was in recus and the doctors thought i had broken my neck and back and she held my hand till 4am in the morning talking to me, even when she wanted a drink, even when she needed the toilet..no matter what...THAT is what friendship is about..., you don't always have to agree with someone, i mean the amount of disagreements we have is just stupid, but it gets to point where you agree to disagree.  She understands me on a level that noone else i know does and that for me alone is amazing...i adore that... I mean this one time she sat up hugging me all night when i was crying till like 5am, even though she had school in the morning. It's always like that with her at the end of the day. She will always put others before herself regardless of what that means. She is amazing i am so blessed to have her as my friend and have her in my life.

So this is basically why i'm finding it hard to think that she is going to move so far away...like i was sitting here crying so much, she is the other half of me...I don't really know where i'm gonna go when i'm hurting. If i went to anyone it was to her.
Growing up scares the fuck out of me, i thought that at 20 i wouldn't have to go though this, i wouldn't have to deal with goodbyes like this anymore, at the end of the day i was wrong regardless, everything comes to an end and it will do though out my life. I can't believe this is actually happening and that she's really gonna be going. Her mom was certainly right when sdhe said i will be visiting her 24/7 (i hope i can anyway). She's come though so much, and i really really...am so happy 'take these broken wings and learn to fly' she certainly is going to do that. This summer, i know saying goodbye is going to be the hardest thing ever...it's gonna break me, but i know there is a huge part of me that will always be with her and vise versa..you cannot...you cannot impact someones life that much and not leave a big handprint.
I know this has to happen for both of us, we need to both grow, she needs the uni degree, and i want to travel...it's a matter of stepping out into the sun alone, no more hiding away unless there is someone there to hold me.
Just gah! When we were in hospital together i had my sax, our teacher was on the piano and she was singing to bridge over troubled water..thats gonna stay with me forever i know it will...whenever i hear that song i think of Alice...she is my bridge over troubled water, pretty much every time.
This blog is basically dedicated to her, oh my gosh I'm all teary again now but i just needed to write this... My beautiful little sis you are amazing and i am so proud of you, i can't believe this is going to be happening soon and that we will have to say goodbye, the talks of uni always seemed forever away and now here it is..please don't forget me, because i won't forget you, you will be with me, a part of my heart wherever i go whatever i do..and when i am in Africa helping all the children i will tell them of you and the importance of friendship and how a real friend is more precious that any gift...and amount of money...anything. I'll teach them no matter how bad things get, they will always have the greatest thing of all in love. I know its not till the fall that you go but i know I'm not going to be able to even put it into words then. I know the few months leading up to uni is going to go super fast..no matter how much i wish i could just pause time sometimes...I can't wait to get out matching tattoos... and i can't believe you are getting a tattoo for each of your sisters and including one for me even though we are non blood related. I love you to death and back please never forget that and i am always here for you. I don't want and hope this is not a goodbye...

You can do this do, i KNOW you can do this, the world is huge out there but girl you have the most beautiful heart and i know you can go far whatever route you take, this marks the end..but also the start..and new start, lets both make it a goodun together yeah? omg i'm crying so much,just thank you thank you thank you...You have that brain in your head to do it aswell. Spread your wings and fly. I hope your dreams take you far, i hope that you learn with every mistake, take every opportunity, i hope when one door closes that you can find a window till you find another open door....NEVER underestimate the power of a smile and how much it can change  a persons life..and you know what? even when you take the wrong route i'll be there if you want me to and i'll walk with you, regardless...though everything...go to the most special places that you heart could ever know.  and actually.? I challenge you if you cannot find a door to build one because i KNOW you can do..i know i know you can do it...your just this incredible person. This is not the end but the beginning of something amazing.
'Sail on silver girl, sail on by, YOUR TIME HAS COME TO SHINE ALL YOUR DREAMS ARE ON THEIR WAY!!!'
I love you, i really do..thank you for everything...and i really hope you like this...

Vikkie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tongue piercing!!!

Ok guys so last saturday i was with my bestie and sister and Alice and i decided that i would get my tongue pierced, something that I've been thinking about doing for a while but literally whenever i got close to it i crapped myself and freaked out. But no i got it done finally! I got it done in a fairly new shop based in station road in hornchurch and i have to say i had never been there, but they are really good, clean and sterile, if you live in the essex area even east london and want to get it done i would highly recommend this place to everyone. When i first went in and told the guy what i wanted done he asked me to wait outside so he could set up, which i think in a way helped me a lot...the fact that i didn't get to sit there and see the needle etc being prepared gave me a less reason to panic.
I got in the room and he asked me to sit down and relax and not panic...(by now i was nearly crying i was so scared) i wanted to walk out at one point when i glanced to my right and saw all the sterile things... I was like eeeeppp! and scared myself whit less.. I do know one thing and that is that the tongue needs to be done carefully because of all of the veins, so he basically clamped it, fiddled it around for abit and told me to hold really sill because he was trying to see the vein and what he was doing... well he actually done the piercing then and there with Alice sitting next to me mouth wide open that i didn't even flinch...i think the whole fact i didn't know he was doing it then helped me a great deal because i was a little more relaxed...for sure one of the best ways to get a piercing done, i was in and out with five minutes, i does not take long at all, and it really is hassle free.  That was without being numbed aswell, yes i did feel a sharp scratch but i thought that was the clamp..i know when i got my belly done the clamp hurt more than the piercing itself.
So i know i am going to get ask questions about the healing process etc..so I'm gonna start now and try and keep you all updated. I actually did not experience hardly any of the swelling that is meant to come after this piercing nor the speech problems, but i guess the last one could be to do with the fact I've done a lot of drama etc which means I've had a lot of 'speech' classes. As for eating and drinking well that has been a huge problem for me, but i don't know, that may just be because i am super paranoid that if i eat it will get infected..it does feel weird though..certainly not quite used to it...
As for the piercing itself, it seems to be healing up nicely, i was getting a tiny tiny bit of this white stuff at one point but i asked my friend who has hers done and she said it's totally fine so I'm more relaxed about it now, don't like it but i guess its something i have to deal with.

too painful for starbucks? arghhh :(  

Atm i have a huge bar in because they have to do that in case of the swelling (like i said its normal for normal people that the piercing will swell quite abit) and that is the main thing i actually hate right now..it's like proper annoying and everything. I've been tempted to take it out because of that but i don't know...i think i will be happier when my tongue gets better and i can have a normal bar put in..i can't wait for all the cute little girly bars you can buy and that i have seen :)

Basically i also want to get this thing gone about stereotypes like seriously? I am the furthest thing from a biker or grunger, and just because i have tattoos and piercings does not make me one. just because i have this done does not mean I'm a lesbian ( if only i were i would have an easier life!), Just because i have tattoos and piercing does not mean I'm gonna beat the crap out of you (tempted with some people sometimes) but i literally couldn't, there is not a bone in body that would allow that.  I am so sick of all of these above, and ok I've not really had all of these said to me, but i know they are some of the ones that are said...i know that piercings and tattoos and normally considered only to go with a violent and bad person, well you guys read my blog and you should know by now that it's not true...your just being stupid, and judging, never judge a book by its cover. I want you all to read this and not be afraid to go get done what you want, i mean, I've got this done, i don't give a toss what people think, I DONT  MEAN IF YOUR UNDER 18. ASK PARENTAL CONSENT (i was asked for id btw as i wasn't with the rents and a good place will ID if you go in on your own) basically never be afraid to express yourself you are all beautiful, i personally think your all beautiful how you were born...but if your not happy then i guess go ahead, just think about it..really think...they will still be there whatever age, and yes you can take piercings out but they normally will leave a scar....so just so you know :)  xxx

I have such dedicated followers

Sorry for the total lack of blogs recently everyone i really have been in quite a mess with myself and all i've literally been able to do is just breathe, let alone right a blog...however, i will try and get some posts up within the next few days. Still thank you for all your messages, comments, tweets etc..and page hits...I love you all so much