Ok, so it's officially less than a week till i go to Germany and i am totally freaking out over it! I literally am so excited that it's just totally crazy! I was looking at pictures online yesterday on the places i will be visiting and staying in this time round and i was sitting there crying like a total idiot just because it was so beautiful. I know my life is going though hard things at the moment but i do have hope that the natural beauty will lift me up and give me a sense of freedom...six days will mean i am not away to long, but that i also get time with nature and my favourite country. My bags are (pretty much) all packed and ready to go, for the first time in my life, normally i am stilll packing at the airport haha, i must stress my mom out so much! I am staying with this beautiful wonderful family in a town called Hessen, and already i feel at home there and i have not even arrived, they have made me so welcome! I'm worrying so much about my German this time though, so my hand luggage is now huge with three German vocab books to help me learn and help me in general haha! I'm never gonna forget the look on my moms face when i brought this huge dictionary down and showed it in my bag...here i am now wishing that i went to a school that done German lessons! This is always the thing that scares me most about being in a foreign country, spesh if they do not speak English much or at all...
I know that sometime during this week i am also going to get to meet up with my beautiful friend Nadine (and maybe Ines i hope!) and this just makes me so happy...i jumped up and down screaming for an hour when i heard that she lived 15 minutes away from the town i will be in! So i think that this day i will get to spend it with my host family and nadine in Kassel, and it just excites me so much.. Then i think it is on the friday we are going to be going to a beautiful little town just outside Kassel called Bad Karlshafen so i can get to do some sightseeing and have a look around a town which i have wanted to visit since i saw the first ever picture! I am then going to be swimming with my wonderful fam before going out in the evening, now that is the only part i am scared about lol...for reason i don't even want to begin to explain..!
But ahhhh i'm so excited! I keep looking at my clock and hoping that suddenly its time to leave for Germany, when actually all it seems to be doing is making it drag more!
I cannot wait!
Wednesday 27 July 2011
Amy Winehouse
So i've finally found abit of time to sit down and write this blog about Amy Winehouse who passed away a few days ago. I REALLY wanted to write this down and express my feelings a point of view on the situation, and ok, so i know that i am only one person and what i say is insignifcant, but as was once said by one of my favourite people to live, Gahandi, 'The things we do in life will be insignificant, but it is very important that we do them.'
I remember when i was told the Amy Winehouse was dead and i literally could not believe it, and at first i thought it was all a total joke and yet again another hoax like the one about her in 2009, and then, i found out that unfortunatly this time, she really was gone. I actually nearly cried, which was odd because she is not one of my favourite artists, hell yes i loved her music and listened to it quite alot but i was not obsessed.
It was sad, because she was a great talent, she had so much potentioal to go out there and make something even bigger of herself that what she even did, and it's a shame that she will now not be able to do that.
One thing that sickened me was all the horrible comments that came up on my news feed on facebook, literally all i could think was what on earth has got into my friends to come up with these horrible and cruel comments? People saying she was 'better of dead' or a 'crackhead whore who got exactly what was coming to her', well ok, people are intitled to say what they think, but i really feel it must be in a more delicate way, i know that some of the horrible posts i saw on twitter for the world to see, well they made me cry, literally cry...I want people to consider an addiction from a medical point of view, and not just as a attettion seeking, poncing thing that a person would make up...an addiction is horrible, be is to drugs, drinking, harming literally, they can be so damaging and once you are in them you cannot get out of the cycle easily...i really feel that if you have had an addiction then you would not say such horrible things about Amy, and i also think that if you have not experenced an addiction, then you do not deserve to even comment on the situation...yes ok it was her choice to take that first pill or drink all those years ago, but its not her fault it got this at all. When your in the grip of a deamon like this, then sometimes you feel like you don't want to get out, you can't see the damage.
I think she should just be left now to rest in peace and everyone should leave her and her family the hell alone, they are grieving, if you have nothing good to say or write then keep the fuck to yourself.
R.I.P Amy, yet another since gone too soon... may your soul finally be at peace
One by one only the good die young.
Saturday 23 July 2011
In peace
just realised if you look at the isalnd where all the shootings took place in Norway, It's the shape of a heart (well not perfect but you know you can see it if you look the right way)..and it made me cry....To me that is a symbol that the dead are at peace and loved ones can (try) to move on..i just saw and thought i would share it on facebook...'death' does not mean the end of love...
- i just posted this on my facebook and thought that i should put it in a more publice place :)x
- i just posted this on my facebook and thought that i should put it in a more publice place :)x
Friday 22 July 2011
East Africa Famine
So ok, i was about to write this blog first but then i got way to much involved into the whole Norway thing and i had to blog about that and calm myself down before i wrote the equally heartbreaking blog...Recently the situation in Africa has got dire, it's been all over the news the past few days and i have literally been dying to get on a plane, got out there and help them all in this huge fight that they are going to be facing. The east of Africa has not experienced a drought or famine as bad as this since in 60 years and it's just crazy that over 10 million people are going to be affected by something like this in the 21st century! Technically we cannot fix the weather, we cannot fix the fact that at this time of the year it can get unbearably hot, even if England let alone Africa, but we can fix the situations that the people are put in, they should not have to sit around in nothing, and have to run barefoot though dirt. They should not have to be starving and drinking dirty water that makes them ill, when most of them are already riddled with AID'S and various other illnesses anyway. 25% of Somalia has now been displaced...It again makes me angry and sad, because i think about the people who have more money than they can actually handle, and it does nothing but get wasted on crap or sit in a bank all day long, even the people who DON'T have that kind of money, have more than what these people do in Africa...well if a little of that was given to these people, then maybe they would have the money to build proper houses, have clean water, food and decent health care. It's not right that people should have to live like this, we are all human beings, living under one beautiful blue sky.
The are dying under the heat of the sun, with nothing there to provide water, or food, even all the animals have died, and that will take years to get back. There is a refugee camp in Kenya, but at the end of the day that is not enough and by the time people manage to get there it is normally too late too...It's time we took action on this...
Attack on Norway
It's just come up all over the news about Norway and i really do begin to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this earth and the people in it. I know that Norway is one of the last countries i would expect this to happen to, this is a fairly quiet country that does not really cause trouble. It worries me that this is now starting to happen in the countries in where we would have once deemed safe to live in. There is reported already to be seven people dead, and more seriously injured, and ok so that might only be 'seven' lives at the moment, but each one of them is precious...by destroying that life, you have broken the hearts of many others and took away someones right to live, something that no one, apart from god, has the right to decide. There is also meant to be a gunman on the loose of a island nearby to Norway, i mean really WHAT THE FUCK?!? There were people hiding in bushes and people trying to SWIM off the island just to get away. I don't understand it...The world is falling apart, and people are not caring, there is only so long you can sweep something like this away as if it does not exist, and then by the time people realise that its a problem that needs addressing, it's too late the worlds gone.
It just gets me so angry, I'm sitting here crying, because it just hurts my heart to see this world, the planet we live on, in such a freaking mess all the time, i don't understand, i cannot begin to understand..what must have been going though the minds of the people who planted the bombs, and what it must be like for the ones left suffering..people always talk about the dead, but rarely the are the people left behind thought about straight away...thats always after, after the time when they need the help the most....it's just awful.
I'm not saying that Norway is the perfect country and im not saying that this was going to happen...what i'm saying is, this was clearly an attack to simply kill...in a low risk country, to put more people all over the world in constant fear.
Norway is looking like a war zone, no where should look like that...guns need to be put down, the whole idea of bombs needs to be thrown away and the world needs to live in 100% peace, and i'm sorry if you don't agree with that, because it's something i'm going to fight for till i die.
Saturday 16 July 2011
Emily Maguire - A gig in the 'garden'
So i just got back from what i think is one of the best performances i have ever been to!
A few months back i was going though an amazingly hard time in my life and was a little bit of a mess inside...i have this wonderful friend who was talking to her best friend and she that i should check out this singer songwriter called Emily Maguire. She gave me the name of her book and strongly urged me to read it, so i instantly went on line and ordered it...from the second it arrived and i read the back, not even the first page jsut the back i was pulled in, into a world where i no longer felt alone, where i no longer felt i was the only person going though what i'm going though..or more...maybe i was, but at the end of the day, there were people (like i always try to remind myself) that are worse off than me..and people like Emily who have literally been though hell on their knees and came though again on the other side. I feel stupid being able to write this because because i dont know her...but i just have to!
So when we first got to to open garden where the gig was being held we saw a notice saying that it would be held in the church next door as it had been raining on and off all day and no one was really sure how much it was going to rain again that evening..literally five seconds after we got outside the doors to wait it began raining, oh and it rained it REALLY REALLY did rain!. I was so tempted to just throw my shoes off (the flimsy bits i had on anyway) and dance and leap across the grass, but then, i realised i was going to be sitting down for hours with no means of getting changed or dry and had to suppress my inner(sometimes very but nonetheless) free spirit.
ANYWHO, the whole performance was opened by this wonderful man who had an epic voice, i felt sorry for him at some points and wanted to hug him, it was his first solo gig and you could tell how scared he was at times, although he was bloody brilliant,! i would pay just to come and see him alone! Some of the songs that he was singing nearly had me in tears it was beautiful.! Then after a small break the moment i had actually been waiting for for months and Emily walked onto stage, i think at first it didn't seem real, because this person is someone famous who i greatly admire and they are standing right in front of me. I must have sat there in awe the entire first half of the act,i do remember though sitting there, in the front row of all places, trying not to cry my eyes out when she sang her amazing song 'I'd rather be', that song has alot of significance for me. The words..well all her songs are, but the words to that song, you can reach them out to anybody, in any walk of life, no matter what they are going though and who they are and for me that is the most beautiful thing alive, to be able to do that with music..well... I also really remember the last song she sang in the first half and that was because it was one of the first songs of hers that i had ever heard and that was start over again...i think that maybe i got a tad too excited at that moment and nearly jumped out my seat which would have caused me some embarrassment haha. In the break i was asking around all the staff members if one of the could give my gift to Emily, and they were all saying no i cant right now shes having a break sorry, then the parent decided to literally hold me down so i couldnt go and work on my next step...Emily's husband...i was just so scared of doing it myself..and i knew he could not use the excuse, 'I'm sorry i'm not alloud backstage' phaha but anyway i was kept in my seat. As the second act began i was yet again so freaking excited even more so now, and when Emily announced that she was going to be singing new songs that she had never performed before i freaked even more i felt so so blessed....out of all the music in the world i get to hear hers first, to me that better than any A list band...it really really is.!!!! All i got from this second half was a dying...sstrong...longing for the songs to be in my hands in disk form...i actually cannot wait till i comes out on CD, that will be the best day of my life, officially ;) There were two songs that i remember the most, one was a song wrote for a girl hurt after a riding accident, and being obsessed with horses..i listened so intently...the lyrics moved me so much! it was beautiful..the next was the final song of the gig, a song called 'Stardust' i was so moved so so so moved, my mom was handing me tissue after tissue haha i literally cried the entire way though... OH MY GOSH! and then we got two extra songs at the end....and the crazy thing was the very last song she performed to i knew very well due to it being a part of greenpeace (i shouted Greenpeace when i heard that opps) and i also danced to it for Japan a few months ago, although at the time of that i dont think i was aware who sang it, all i knew was it was a really beautiful song! Gahhhhhh it was amazing,...
After the performance i was waiting in the queue to see her and ahhhhhhhh i literally cannot believe i got to come face to face with her :) she is so beautiful in person and just so friendly and down to earth with everyone...she signed all the albums that i had bought that day (no more you tube yayyy hahaha) and my book :) and at the end I even hugged her, which i can be funny about if i do not know someone...i felt very very safe in her company...after the first few seconds of talking to her face to face....it was ok......:) Garrrrrrrr :) So yeah, that evening pretty much made me believe for a while again...
I love her words, literally there is so much depth there, depth in which i can understand which makes it even more beautiful...
So Gwen, if you are reading this, thank you so much!!!! for recommending her music to me, because look at how happy i am tonight :) and as for beautiful Emily well.... NEVER FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE GIRL!!!!!!!!! :)
http://www.emilymaguire.com/index.html
A few months back i was going though an amazingly hard time in my life and was a little bit of a mess inside...i have this wonderful friend who was talking to her best friend and she that i should check out this singer songwriter called Emily Maguire. She gave me the name of her book and strongly urged me to read it, so i instantly went on line and ordered it...from the second it arrived and i read the back, not even the first page jsut the back i was pulled in, into a world where i no longer felt alone, where i no longer felt i was the only person going though what i'm going though..or more...maybe i was, but at the end of the day, there were people (like i always try to remind myself) that are worse off than me..and people like Emily who have literally been though hell on their knees and came though again on the other side. I feel stupid being able to write this because because i dont know her...but i just have to!
So when we first got to to open garden where the gig was being held we saw a notice saying that it would be held in the church next door as it had been raining on and off all day and no one was really sure how much it was going to rain again that evening..literally five seconds after we got outside the doors to wait it began raining, oh and it rained it REALLY REALLY did rain!. I was so tempted to just throw my shoes off (the flimsy bits i had on anyway) and dance and leap across the grass, but then, i realised i was going to be sitting down for hours with no means of getting changed or dry and had to suppress my inner(sometimes very but nonetheless) free spirit.
ANYWHO, the whole performance was opened by this wonderful man who had an epic voice, i felt sorry for him at some points and wanted to hug him, it was his first solo gig and you could tell how scared he was at times, although he was bloody brilliant,! i would pay just to come and see him alone! Some of the songs that he was singing nearly had me in tears it was beautiful.! Then after a small break the moment i had actually been waiting for for months and Emily walked onto stage, i think at first it didn't seem real, because this person is someone famous who i greatly admire and they are standing right in front of me. I must have sat there in awe the entire first half of the act,i do remember though sitting there, in the front row of all places, trying not to cry my eyes out when she sang her amazing song 'I'd rather be', that song has alot of significance for me. The words..well all her songs are, but the words to that song, you can reach them out to anybody, in any walk of life, no matter what they are going though and who they are and for me that is the most beautiful thing alive, to be able to do that with music..well... I also really remember the last song she sang in the first half and that was because it was one of the first songs of hers that i had ever heard and that was start over again...i think that maybe i got a tad too excited at that moment and nearly jumped out my seat which would have caused me some embarrassment haha. In the break i was asking around all the staff members if one of the could give my gift to Emily, and they were all saying no i cant right now shes having a break sorry, then the parent decided to literally hold me down so i couldnt go and work on my next step...Emily's husband...i was just so scared of doing it myself..and i knew he could not use the excuse, 'I'm sorry i'm not alloud backstage' phaha but anyway i was kept in my seat. As the second act began i was yet again so freaking excited even more so now, and when Emily announced that she was going to be singing new songs that she had never performed before i freaked even more i felt so so blessed....out of all the music in the world i get to hear hers first, to me that better than any A list band...it really really is.!!!! All i got from this second half was a dying...sstrong...longing for the songs to be in my hands in disk form...i actually cannot wait till i comes out on CD, that will be the best day of my life, officially ;) There were two songs that i remember the most, one was a song wrote for a girl hurt after a riding accident, and being obsessed with horses..i listened so intently...the lyrics moved me so much! it was beautiful..the next was the final song of the gig, a song called 'Stardust' i was so moved so so so moved, my mom was handing me tissue after tissue haha i literally cried the entire way though... OH MY GOSH! and then we got two extra songs at the end....and the crazy thing was the very last song she performed to i knew very well due to it being a part of greenpeace (i shouted Greenpeace when i heard that opps) and i also danced to it for Japan a few months ago, although at the time of that i dont think i was aware who sang it, all i knew was it was a really beautiful song! Gahhhhhh it was amazing,...
After the performance i was waiting in the queue to see her and ahhhhhhhh i literally cannot believe i got to come face to face with her :) she is so beautiful in person and just so friendly and down to earth with everyone...she signed all the albums that i had bought that day (no more you tube yayyy hahaha) and my book :) and at the end I even hugged her, which i can be funny about if i do not know someone...i felt very very safe in her company...after the first few seconds of talking to her face to face....it was ok......:) Garrrrrrrr :) So yeah, that evening pretty much made me believe for a while again...
I love her words, literally there is so much depth there, depth in which i can understand which makes it even more beautiful...
So Gwen, if you are reading this, thank you so much!!!! for recommending her music to me, because look at how happy i am tonight :) and as for beautiful Emily well.... NEVER FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE GIRL!!!!!!!!! :)
http://www.emilymaguire.com/index.html
Diana Patient Photography
OK so i just thought that i would write a blog about this awesome photographer which i have only recently got to know more...I have seen her name on my friends walls and everything but I've never actually looked at her her work, until this perfect girl i know called Emma had a photoshoot with her a month or so ago. That was when i actually took time to look at her work and i was gobsmacked with what was before my eyes.. Her work is actually amazing literally, i have not seen anything like it, maybe my best friends work but that is literally it.So i have some more to say but first i just want to talk about Emma because i think that this is really important to do...Emma to me, the picture perfect person, I've never met anyone with such a beautiful heart and soul. She like one of these people who have the perfect face, perfect body perfect image and everything and i am SO jealous sometimes at her for that (i know thats bad i know i know)..but i also know that she is not that confident with her image and her body sometimes and I've never seen a collection of photographs where she has looked SO confident...she looked vibrant, and powerful, clearly very seductive aswell after seeing the reaction on one of my friends faces hahahahahahahahah! To me i hope that she sees in them pictures exactly what i see in her everyday the most beautiful sis alive.. She looked safe and happy and like she belonged there, in that moment, in front of that camera, i saw a few photos earlier, but only really saw the lot last night..i actually cried because i was SO proud at her for doing this and being able to shoot something so amazing with someone... regardless if she knew them or not. There we some pictures where she was rolling around on the floor with some string (it was an alley cat theme people people you start coming to conclusions hahaha) for her to just let go and do that, well even with my best friend i would be to scared...to see Emma do that...it was amazing...
Clearly thought this must also be due to some STUNNING photography on Diana's part, i love her images, i love how she captures the little things, for me, the passion she managed to capture in Emma's eyes when she was dancing...the 'real' smiles, there seemed to be none of this, pose like this and that going on, it was safe, comfortable and beautiful. I am amazingly passionate about dancing, and people who know me will know im having a slight breakdown right now because im not gonna be dancing everyday like i used to..so to see something good in dance, it really does move me greatly. There was a photo shoot she done on southbank on pointe and it was literally stunning...so amazing...another one...ballet dancers in the rain i loved that too...well actually i loved the whole lot! Once i get my life on track, and get some money and time, i really want to get my own horse that i have dreamed about since i started riding years ago...and then i would pay her for a horse and rider photo shoot, i just know she would capture the bond...:)
I just wanted to recommend her to anyone, be it for a portfolio or wedding or whatever, she is really awesome, and her prices are amazing too, take that coming from someone who was looking around to get a dance and acting portfolio done, it was going into the one thousand mark. She also includes i believe make up into the price i cannot remember exactly i have a brain of a goldfish...but always email her :) here are some links... BLOODY DO IT!!!!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Diana-Patient-Photography/160695867278874
https://dianapatientphotography.wordpress.com/about/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lovefriendshipfreedom/
Photo Courtesy of Diana Patient Photography
Friday 15 July 2011
18 tage :)
With 18 days until i finally get to go back to Germany, i am beginning to get more and more excited, Germany is my heart and my soul and means everything to me. Yesterday i was looking at pictures and videos from the last time i were in this beautiful country and i literally broke down in tears, I've never missed a place so much in my life...
In 2006 i started doing this performance workshop called the Young Americans, and actually, it's pretty much thanks to the YA that i have friends in Germany, and we learnt a song called 'Happiness'..well when I am in Germany i will stand in the middle of a crowded train station like Cologne and sing that at the top of my voice, including the actions to go with it...
'Happiness is everything and anything at all, thats loved by you'
I just loved it, to see the look on the faces of people, when they clearly do not have a clue what is going on or what i am doing or singing about..but most of all i love the smiles that normally appear seconds after...to see young girls singing happy and free....in Germany they seem to appreciate things like that more than anyone in England ever would.
I love how for the time i was in Germany people just accepted me, my friends used to take me out with them and their friends, and they were just like, HEY, not once did i ever feel like they didnt want me there, in fact, i have made quite a few good friends from this way aswell.. The family i will be staying with in a few weeks i met randomly on a visit to see a YA workshop in the fall, i am so so so excited to get to spend time with them and get to know them all better...also the fact i have never really been to this part of Germany before, the whole idea gets me crazy and hyper, i cannot wait.
I want to get back to Munich at some point for abit, because its freaking amazing there, it's just a matter of fitting it all in...I'm not well enough really to be out of the country right now for me than a week...i would most likely have a breakdown, therefore touring around would only stress me out. But i have hope to get better, and next year, i will be able to spend my entire summer out there with everyone that i love and care about...lets hope...
i believe...in this case i really do believe, because i've never known something i want as bad as this. :)
In 2006 i started doing this performance workshop called the Young Americans, and actually, it's pretty much thanks to the YA that i have friends in Germany, and we learnt a song called 'Happiness'..well when I am in Germany i will stand in the middle of a crowded train station like Cologne and sing that at the top of my voice, including the actions to go with it...
'Happiness is everything and anything at all, thats loved by you'
I just loved it, to see the look on the faces of people, when they clearly do not have a clue what is going on or what i am doing or singing about..but most of all i love the smiles that normally appear seconds after...to see young girls singing happy and free....in Germany they seem to appreciate things like that more than anyone in England ever would.
I love how for the time i was in Germany people just accepted me, my friends used to take me out with them and their friends, and they were just like, HEY, not once did i ever feel like they didnt want me there, in fact, i have made quite a few good friends from this way aswell.. The family i will be staying with in a few weeks i met randomly on a visit to see a YA workshop in the fall, i am so so so excited to get to spend time with them and get to know them all better...also the fact i have never really been to this part of Germany before, the whole idea gets me crazy and hyper, i cannot wait.
I want to get back to Munich at some point for abit, because its freaking amazing there, it's just a matter of fitting it all in...I'm not well enough really to be out of the country right now for me than a week...i would most likely have a breakdown, therefore touring around would only stress me out. But i have hope to get better, and next year, i will be able to spend my entire summer out there with everyone that i love and care about...lets hope...
i believe...in this case i really do believe, because i've never known something i want as bad as this. :)
Sunday 10 July 2011
Maddy's birthday!!! xxxxxxx
So yesterday evening, i went to a party for my beautiful friend Maddy's 17th, I was having a really shit day and was seriously thinking about not going and just staying home, the idea of being in a crowd of people made me feel ill..but i swallowed my pride and went, and i am so glad that i did because i had a wonderful time, and that was without drinking, I'm actually proud of myself for that..ok i couldn't stay for the entire party because that would have been too much for me...but since recently, being able to be out from 8-10:30 is a very very good step for me..!
I am so happy that i got to see my beautiful Charlotte again because i have not see her in so long now that it is actually crazy! (Only since april but for me that is a reallllyy long time).. Maddie had this door of her house where people were alloud to write notes for her birthday, and after half hour of so, Charlottle and I, along with this awesome guy called Nick who we had only met that night decided to go out and write stuff on this door for her, however Nick instead decided to write this crazy note making ridiculous suggestions about Charlotte and I, then promptly sticking it to the wall with this huge smile on his face... so I, in turn done exactly the same back to him, this must have gone on for a good hour or so, the paper gradually starting to cover the wall of Maddy's stairs hahahah :) But oh it was a good time...wonderful funny times, poor Maddy when she came and saw that...! :) although she found it funny. I must also say that all of Maddy's friends are totally awesome!!! I've not really met a group of people like that, where i have felt like i fitted in right away with everyone..By the time i was getting ready to go home it seemed that SO MANY people were drunk and i just could not stop laughing, music was playing, people were dancing and everyone was just going INSANE...i finally for half hour or so really really managed to let go and just dance, something that at a party i need to be drunk to do!! It really was an awesome night, i got to meet some great new people and catch up with old friends whom i havn't spoken to in a while..
Thank you so much for inviting me Maddy! Love you very much xxxxxx
Friday 8 July 2011
All you can do is keep breathing
I CAN be strong
I CANNOT fail
I CAN believe
I CANNOT give up
I CAN live again
I CANNOT loose hope
I CAN stand back up again
I CANNOT let myself stay this way for the rest of my life...
I want to live, i want to change the world,I'm 19..there are lives for me to change and children and adults alike for me to help...there are schools for me to build in far away countries, and there are youngsters who have lost their parents needing a simple hug,,there are babies that need comforting and old people needing a hand to hold. I cannot give up..please not now, please not never...i want to keep going...
I've learned that there are people who just don't want to be in my life, and although that hurts, i need to just accept it...if they do care,i will see them again
There are people I've lost from my life, i need to move on, and know when it's my time I'll get to be back safe in their arms.
There are times when i have thrown myself on the floor and cried non stop for hours, I've been so low, to a point where most people reading this will not understand trust me. But somehow i get though them, and at the time, i think thats a bad thing, but when i LOOK BACK on it in a better frame of mind, i see that it was a good thing, i am still here to impact lives.
I've been scared before, so scared, so scared my body went stiff and my teeth chattered...so scared i would rather have died than stay in that situation..but..i got out of it and i got over it....
I know i'm going to go back...maybe alot, but i'm also keeping the thought in my head that i WILL be ok, and that i do not need to worry about it, maybe then i will convince myself...that i will be fine... and even if i do fall, i know because of today that i can pick myself back up again.
I've lost so many people because of everything that has happened in the past few years, and i dont want to loose anymore...
As i was once told
'All you can do is keep breathing'
I love this earth and this planet, and i love the people in it, i WILL change the world, and if you think i won't then you are in for a severe shock, i will be proving each and every single on you wrong.
Today has been a good day for me, everything has been alot clearer, and then i got a message from a certain special friend who is miles away, and it healed my heart and made me think...i danced my heart out till i could breathe no more, and now i think i will wake up to an even better day tomorrow...i hope...:)
I CANNOT fail
I CAN believe
I CANNOT give up
I CAN live again
I CANNOT loose hope
I CAN stand back up again
I CANNOT let myself stay this way for the rest of my life...
I want to live, i want to change the world,I'm 19..there are lives for me to change and children and adults alike for me to help...there are schools for me to build in far away countries, and there are youngsters who have lost their parents needing a simple hug,,there are babies that need comforting and old people needing a hand to hold. I cannot give up..please not now, please not never...i want to keep going...
I've learned that there are people who just don't want to be in my life, and although that hurts, i need to just accept it...if they do care,i will see them again
There are people I've lost from my life, i need to move on, and know when it's my time I'll get to be back safe in their arms.
There are times when i have thrown myself on the floor and cried non stop for hours, I've been so low, to a point where most people reading this will not understand trust me. But somehow i get though them, and at the time, i think thats a bad thing, but when i LOOK BACK on it in a better frame of mind, i see that it was a good thing, i am still here to impact lives.
I've been scared before, so scared, so scared my body went stiff and my teeth chattered...so scared i would rather have died than stay in that situation..but..i got out of it and i got over it....
I know i'm going to go back...maybe alot, but i'm also keeping the thought in my head that i WILL be ok, and that i do not need to worry about it, maybe then i will convince myself...that i will be fine... and even if i do fall, i know because of today that i can pick myself back up again.
I've lost so many people because of everything that has happened in the past few years, and i dont want to loose anymore...
As i was once told
'All you can do is keep breathing'
I love this earth and this planet, and i love the people in it, i WILL change the world, and if you think i won't then you are in for a severe shock, i will be proving each and every single on you wrong.
Today has been a good day for me, everything has been alot clearer, and then i got a message from a certain special friend who is miles away, and it healed my heart and made me think...i danced my heart out till i could breathe no more, and now i think i will wake up to an even better day tomorrow...i hope...:)
Thursday 7 July 2011
Sometimes it hurts instead....
'I won't let you, close enough to hurt me' I fucking LOVE Adele and right now this is my new motto to life...I've decided that from now on, in order to keep myself (and others) from getting hurt this is something that maybe needs to be listened to..I'm learning now that there seems to be so no such thing as friendship, because EVERYONE hurts you, and everyone leaves you, and i know this blog is totally out of character for me, because normally there are people i will say i can ALWAYS rely on, and yeah THEY are still there,but what happens if they go too? I'm just stepping with caution, thats all. Loosing anyone from your life hurts, and loosing someone from your life who is A: your best friend or B: not even really a friend just someone who impacted your life a big deal is even harder. It's broken my heart..not made it better, and i know, that loosing the two other people in my life who i would die for would kill me...literally, that would be like taking the air that i breathe away. I don't want to push them away from me, but then at the same time i don't want to push THEM away from me enough for them to leave forever. From now on i will pretend with them that everything is ok, and even when they argue, which i know they will, i'll just dismiss it...again caution..not to hurt them, but to stop them getting hurt... I don't want to loose more people that i love, and i'm scared of doing that...so i think it really is time to step away now...I'm scared of myself because I'm scared now to love, and love is all you need.
7th July 2005
7/7/2005..the day that London was shaken with the horror of terror attacks by the same evil madman who planned the 9/11. Like the 9/11 i remember exactly where i was upon hearing the news of these attacks. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see if i could be fitted in for an urgent MRI scan. My ENT consultant was really worried and was getting his staff to run around seeing if they could fit me in. I remember the phone ringing and a conversation going on where it was clear that the patient was cancelling their appointment. After getting off the phone the receptionist spoke to another woman and said that there was a free MRI slot as a patient was stuck in traffic due to an incident in London...I didn't think anything of it, it was London, and there was ALWAYS things happening there and it went to the back of my mind especially when the slot was given to me, having claustrophobia the idea of being locked in a tube that long scared me to death.
After the scan was finished i was told to go into town and get something to drink whilst i was waiting for my results...so as per normal for me, i asked my mom if we could drive to a nearby Starbucks..When we got in the car and turned the radio on, was when where heard about everything that was going on in London, my heart was beating so fast i could barely breathe, it seemed to me like 9/11 was only a day ago, and now London had been targeted to. All i could register was the word 'bomb' and 'people dead'...even when i went back to get my results and were told i would need a operation asap i didn't really care, i was in a state of shock, pure shock. I couldn't understand, yet again, why people would commit such evil deeds.
When i later got home and saw everything unfolding before my eyes on TV I broke down even more so, people running, people screaming, people crying, people in pain, people dying, the emotions that kill me to see, the emotions that no human being should have to feel, that no living being should feel. After a while i began thinking about the families, what they must have been feeling 4 suicide bombers called 52 people that day, and ok, so maybe that was not as big as the thing that happened in America, but lives are lost, and people are still left behind grieving for something that no normal person would go out there and do.
Today family and friends of lost loved ones gathered in Hyde Park for a memorial, proof that the day that happened six years ago now lives on strongly in their minds, and it will do forever.
Things like this just shouldn't happen there is no need for it..
THIS is what i'm about, i'm about making the world see one person at time that world peace is needed, and if just one person reads this message, and changes their outlook, then it's worth it, if it makes just one person think about world peace and that we can do it together, then again it is worth it.
You may say i'm a dreamer but im not the only one, i hope some day that you will join us and the world WILL live as one.
One of the hardest things ever...
Right so this blog, i need to get alot out, i need to vent it down somewhere, a place where i can't actually harm myself or get in the way of others.
So I've lost two of the people that mean the most to me within the past month, and what hurts me more than anything, is that i know for a fact it was my own stupid fault.
I've vented about friend one, so now i need to do friend two before i literally jump of the highest bridge i can get to.
I'm sick of myself, i sick to death of everyone lying to me. I'm sick of people saying that people care when i said all along the bloody didn't, and now finally i have been proved right. Sometimes people come into your life, who change you SO much, and words just cannot put into words how much you value their presence in your life even if you are the best writer in the universe.!!!
This friend..or ex friend now, whatever, nothing is going to change the fact that she really did change my life and make me such a better person than what I was, she touched my heart and impacted greatly upon my life, and now, I've lost them from my life because i'm a fucking failure and can't even talk to people right. I will always say to people that i wish i could have a hug and that i wish they were there with me, because at the end of the day, there are thousands of people unfortunately for me, that are all over the world who i would like a hug from..and i say it to ALOT of people, and i just guess that this person thought i was relying on them too much. I'm not gonna bother fighting it out with them because i fully believe that you need to let things go, and that everything in life happens for a reason but...i wish it DIDN'T have to be this way, because this was a person whose presence i valued in my life VERY much. However from this i have learnt that i was right all along and that i cannot trust anyone, and i wish so much that people would finally understand that and not keep going on at me, at the end of the day i know myself better than anyone else, i do have to be with myself 24/7 so it's a given.
I know now that i can't believe people when they say they care, or maybe i can...i dont know..but instead im just a bad person that pushes everyone away...i'm trying to decide right now what one of them is the right option.
I hate that i let everything get blown out of context yet again, and now i would give anything to turn back time, and have life set a different plan from me...i'm trying not to cry over it because i had a huge cry yesterday, I'm trying not to let it drag me right down again to the point of suicide like my friend last month did (yes things hit me hard i got very very down) i was SLOWLY coming back up again, so i'm trying not to go back down again. I'll just sit here pretending i don't care to everyone, because that's the way i roll, and that makes it easier for me to cope with when i am with other people.
I can't believe that i thought if i stayed away from men i would be ok, i thought that if i kept clear from them i wouldn't get hurt by people i care about, when in fact, i get hurt a million times worse by people who are 'friends'. I actually don't know what to do anymore, i am loosing all the people that i love from my life and fast, it's getting to the point where i give up and just dont want to bother living anymore..
I want to use this blog now (even though no one really knows about it ) to say sorry to everyone i have ever hurt in my life, and that i think maybe i should not bother anyone now...it's best if i go though this life on my own with no one, because at the end of the day, this time its one of the people who i actually didnt rely on much at all that thinks i rely on them too much...
Urgh i hate life......
So I've lost two of the people that mean the most to me within the past month, and what hurts me more than anything, is that i know for a fact it was my own stupid fault.
I've vented about friend one, so now i need to do friend two before i literally jump of the highest bridge i can get to.
I'm sick of myself, i sick to death of everyone lying to me. I'm sick of people saying that people care when i said all along the bloody didn't, and now finally i have been proved right. Sometimes people come into your life, who change you SO much, and words just cannot put into words how much you value their presence in your life even if you are the best writer in the universe.!!!
This friend..or ex friend now, whatever, nothing is going to change the fact that she really did change my life and make me such a better person than what I was, she touched my heart and impacted greatly upon my life, and now, I've lost them from my life because i'm a fucking failure and can't even talk to people right. I will always say to people that i wish i could have a hug and that i wish they were there with me, because at the end of the day, there are thousands of people unfortunately for me, that are all over the world who i would like a hug from..and i say it to ALOT of people, and i just guess that this person thought i was relying on them too much. I'm not gonna bother fighting it out with them because i fully believe that you need to let things go, and that everything in life happens for a reason but...i wish it DIDN'T have to be this way, because this was a person whose presence i valued in my life VERY much. However from this i have learnt that i was right all along and that i cannot trust anyone, and i wish so much that people would finally understand that and not keep going on at me, at the end of the day i know myself better than anyone else, i do have to be with myself 24/7 so it's a given.
I know now that i can't believe people when they say they care, or maybe i can...i dont know..but instead im just a bad person that pushes everyone away...i'm trying to decide right now what one of them is the right option.
I hate that i let everything get blown out of context yet again, and now i would give anything to turn back time, and have life set a different plan from me...i'm trying not to cry over it because i had a huge cry yesterday, I'm trying not to let it drag me right down again to the point of suicide like my friend last month did (yes things hit me hard i got very very down) i was SLOWLY coming back up again, so i'm trying not to go back down again. I'll just sit here pretending i don't care to everyone, because that's the way i roll, and that makes it easier for me to cope with when i am with other people.
I can't believe that i thought if i stayed away from men i would be ok, i thought that if i kept clear from them i wouldn't get hurt by people i care about, when in fact, i get hurt a million times worse by people who are 'friends'. I actually don't know what to do anymore, i am loosing all the people that i love from my life and fast, it's getting to the point where i give up and just dont want to bother living anymore..
I want to use this blog now (even though no one really knows about it ) to say sorry to everyone i have ever hurt in my life, and that i think maybe i should not bother anyone now...it's best if i go though this life on my own with no one, because at the end of the day, this time its one of the people who i actually didnt rely on much at all that thinks i rely on them too much...
Urgh i hate life......
Tuesday 5 July 2011
You won't be called home until it's your time ?
I've been sitting here recently thinking alot about things. About the smallest most insignificant ones to the big, life changing ideas. I started thinking about the saying 'you won't be called home until it's your time' I have always believed that everything happens for a reason so i guess that this would tie in with that but then in many other ways, i think about the people that were meant to be somewhere.
In my first year of college we done a performance based on the 9/11 attacks and it told the story of a young girl who missed her flight...her parents thought she was dead...and couldn't believe it when she turned up at her own memorial service later that year. It's things like that...i mean..if someone was meant to be there, were they or where they not meant to die anyway?
I thought about the MILLIONS of people that has happened to, the fact that its happened to my mom aswell... if she'd have died i would not have been here and nor would my brother (even though in the case of me the world would have been better off lol)..Then the people who survive AMAZING things and live to tell the tale...people who are in serious car accidents, and somehow in amongst that rubble they carry of breathing. I watched a TV show a couple of days ago called air crash investigation and literally this whole plane crashed into a mountain, over 500 people died but a couple survived...i think that...or more....im pretty sure now that...everything...even the smallest things that we do are meant to be...I know i'm a one to talk because i have trouble doing this myself, but i want to try and get a message across for others to read and understand and take to heart. I've been though a bad phrase in my life where i tried to kill myself a few times, and i can assure you, i wanted to do it, but things ALWAYS got in the way, or in one case my nan walked in just as i swigged back the mix of strong shit, and took the pile in front away before i could do more, at the time, i was mad and thought, she has just stopped what was meant to be...i was pissed..seriously...and even more so when i ended up in therapy, but then, a year later on my way home from school i saw a man unconscious on the floor, i took over, i didnt know how, all the first aid training i had went out of my head but i done it, and i later got a letter from the ambulance and police on the scene saying i saved this guys life...and i thought...well maybe...just maybe, that was the reason i did not die last year...because i was meant to have been there to save that man..that sounds gay but i don't care. Then a couple of years back i was ice skating and fell backwards landing on the back of my head...i could have easily died that day...i walked out of hospital the same night....then a few months back i had a really really bad fall, which resulted in me being in recus all night and though the early hours of the morning...the doctors thought i had broken my neck and that i had serious head injuries...i got out of that with just bruising and whiplash too...and i've read stories...of people having falls no where near as bad as that and dying...and after my friend i was with admitted that she thought i was going to die that night...the doctors said that i was amazingly lucky, and they had seen falls a fraction of what i had done, and that person had not survived or had but had been seriously brain damaged or pshyically damaged. I believe that, the only reason i got out of that ok, it because i was not meant to die at that point....
Here i go again saying something that i know i should live by myself, and its something i try with all my heart to live by, even though i have trouble with it and generally i never manage it haha!
Live life to the full 'Bella vita' , life really is beautiful, and you can never ever know what is around the cornor, you should make the most of every moment, be grateful for the opportunities you given and don't waste them, help people, you were put on this earth for a reason...so get out there and fucking show that...! I dont know if i believe in god...but i do know that i believe in anything that gives others hope...so, look up to the sky and say thank you, just say thank you to whatever you believe in, that you are here, that you are alive, and that your life is meant to be...some people lose theirs at young ages.. you are blessed..
:) x
In my first year of college we done a performance based on the 9/11 attacks and it told the story of a young girl who missed her flight...her parents thought she was dead...and couldn't believe it when she turned up at her own memorial service later that year. It's things like that...i mean..if someone was meant to be there, were they or where they not meant to die anyway?
I thought about the MILLIONS of people that has happened to, the fact that its happened to my mom aswell... if she'd have died i would not have been here and nor would my brother (even though in the case of me the world would have been better off lol)..Then the people who survive AMAZING things and live to tell the tale...people who are in serious car accidents, and somehow in amongst that rubble they carry of breathing. I watched a TV show a couple of days ago called air crash investigation and literally this whole plane crashed into a mountain, over 500 people died but a couple survived...i think that...or more....im pretty sure now that...everything...even the smallest things that we do are meant to be...I know i'm a one to talk because i have trouble doing this myself, but i want to try and get a message across for others to read and understand and take to heart. I've been though a bad phrase in my life where i tried to kill myself a few times, and i can assure you, i wanted to do it, but things ALWAYS got in the way, or in one case my nan walked in just as i swigged back the mix of strong shit, and took the pile in front away before i could do more, at the time, i was mad and thought, she has just stopped what was meant to be...i was pissed..seriously...and even more so when i ended up in therapy, but then, a year later on my way home from school i saw a man unconscious on the floor, i took over, i didnt know how, all the first aid training i had went out of my head but i done it, and i later got a letter from the ambulance and police on the scene saying i saved this guys life...and i thought...well maybe...just maybe, that was the reason i did not die last year...because i was meant to have been there to save that man..that sounds gay but i don't care. Then a couple of years back i was ice skating and fell backwards landing on the back of my head...i could have easily died that day...i walked out of hospital the same night....then a few months back i had a really really bad fall, which resulted in me being in recus all night and though the early hours of the morning...the doctors thought i had broken my neck and that i had serious head injuries...i got out of that with just bruising and whiplash too...and i've read stories...of people having falls no where near as bad as that and dying...and after my friend i was with admitted that she thought i was going to die that night...the doctors said that i was amazingly lucky, and they had seen falls a fraction of what i had done, and that person had not survived or had but had been seriously brain damaged or pshyically damaged. I believe that, the only reason i got out of that ok, it because i was not meant to die at that point....
Here i go again saying something that i know i should live by myself, and its something i try with all my heart to live by, even though i have trouble with it and generally i never manage it haha!
Live life to the full 'Bella vita' , life really is beautiful, and you can never ever know what is around the cornor, you should make the most of every moment, be grateful for the opportunities you given and don't waste them, help people, you were put on this earth for a reason...so get out there and fucking show that...! I dont know if i believe in god...but i do know that i believe in anything that gives others hope...so, look up to the sky and say thank you, just say thank you to whatever you believe in, that you are here, that you are alive, and that your life is meant to be...some people lose theirs at young ages.. you are blessed..
:) x
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