It's crazy, that how as the years go by we can develop and grow and become more 'whole' again, no matter what has happened in our past...after being forced to not trust when you are small, to eventually growing up feeling and knowing that it is actually ok to trust. The sad thing is that that trust can be broken again by one small insignificant thing, or one person.
I've always been a very secretive person, 99.9% of my friends don't really know me, they dont know what has happened in my past, they dont know the rough patches i go though because i would generally rather not speak it out, yes a problem shared is a problem halved but i always have this issue of being a burden on others so i don't like it. I have something going on in my life right now that i have only told a few people, a few people of whom i am closest too and that i really thought i could trust...i can count them on one hand out of all the people i know. So there's this person, who was meant to be my 'best' friend, and she knew for ages something was going on and after getting a headache of pestering me for an answer and after a long think i decide i would tell her. She stood in front of me..cried, hugged me and swore to keep that to herself..promised me she would help me in any way possible.
I can't believe i even have to write what i am writing a blog that starts of the way it did, should not have to end with this, but that 'friend' has now told everyone she knows about everything, and whilst most people tell her to shut up, because clearly it's not her's to be telling and the fact that (most likely) she was making it out to be that i was dying or something knowing in her. THEN she had the cheek to turn round and blame others for it, and to deny even mentioning it, despite the fact i had an entire room full of people to back me up. I've lost my trust again completely, and this saddens me because it's taken me a long while to build it back up again from last time, it was even full trust, and now, well i feel like i am just back at square one again..I feel alone and i feel vulnerable, i keep thinking back and putting all those what if's? in but that never works and only makes the situation worse. It makes me mad too, trust is a beautiful thing, so beautiful, yet so so so delicate...it's sad that this can happen and things can change within a matter of seconds.
You said you were my best friend? Well you don't know the meaning of the word friend, ler alone the word best put in front of it. I'm sorry but i don't think this relationship is one worth having in my life, you can't build anything on no trust.
