And leave nothing less...

You will notice me
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see

Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart


I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here

I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long

Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place

9/11 dedication

Ok I know this is late I've had a lot of problems over the past week, like one hell of a lot so I really have not had a chance to get on.
This is my finished project of tattoo number 14 in dedication to America, those who lost their lives and those were affected, so, if you were affected in anyway this ink is for you too.
I wasn't going to add a picture on here because my legs are hideously fat and ugly and should quite honestly die... But I thought that there's not really a point if I'm not going to actually let the people it's for see it.
I'm gonna explain the reason i got this tattoo done because I think that's important, most of all because I'm English and I bet most of you are thinking why on earth would you have that!!!
Well number one even though I was young, I still remember where I was EXACTLY when I first heard... I still remember exactly what was said, exactly how I felt... My heart..was broken into a 1000 little pieces, before that I'd never ever felt that emotion, as a kid I'd learnt to really harden my heart so for something to affect me.. Well...it had to go one, you could have walked over stabbed my in the heart and it would not have emotionally hurt me as much as the 9/11 did that day. I also know that before that day I loved to travel and be on a plane I loved to see the world and flying and the getting there was the best part ever, taking off in a plane was so exciting for me! Since that day I've been too scared to fly, for years I flat out refused to go on a plane, then when I did first go on a plane to germany i crapped myself I had a mental breakdown I was so scared...even now I hate flying I mean... I do it, one dream for me is to see this world and experience as many cultures as possible, I want to go and teach the world though the beauty of music what world peace is about... That unfortunately means I have to be prepared to fly, but I have panic attacks for weeks before now... Before I fly I have to go on the air crash safety database look at the airline I'm flying with see how many incidents they have had, what caused them, then I have to work out the chance it will happen again... Then I have to learn the entire layout of the plane I'm going on so of anything happened I could try and get everyone out...I have to do calming exercises. I got the flight simulator game and I'll put planes in all sorts of problems and REFUSE to move from that screen until I've landed it perfectly at least 20 times on the trot and I'll fly the route I'm flying... I also set it so I have to do all services myself...I know it's a million times different to a real plane but I get comfort that I have some chance if I was asked to help the pilot I would know where everything is and what it all meant,...it's ridiculous it takes me about 6 months to prepare to fly. The idea of flying American and united airlines most of all anything to do with new York and Boston scares me half to death and that is something I will have to get myself over one day because I want to go ground zero... I don't blame America I blame the terrorists... Where is happened when I was young I just think of that without helping it...
Also I've been to America and honestly I can say I LOVE it with all my heart, I have hundreds of friends and families who are like families to me so it's hard to think its their country going through that... I also have best friends who lost people and another who watched the towers fall in person... She is still traumatised by it everyday.. It's for people like that I got this tattoo. I hate fighting I hate war and this event was what made me want the world peace... I couldn't even care less if I end up getting myself shot like JFK and John Lennon did, if it means that in years to come there is peace on this earth it would be a price I'd pay without question.
9/11 made me who I am today, it's shaped me, it's made me the person 'who will change the world' and other things like that that people have said...
Stars and stripes keep standing strong
You are all incredible
Love love love.

9/11 two thousand and one

thirteen years on and the 9/11 is still something that plays upon my heart and mind every single day and on today, it plays on my mind 24/7. I wish more than ever that i could be in new york that i could be a part of the crowd standing and honouring the dead at ground zero...not that i won't spend my time honouring them here.
I can't believe that this awful tragedy took place 11 years ago because in my heart i literally can remember it as if it were yesterday..i can remember exactly where i was, exactly what the news reader said...and it pains my heart so so bad...There is no forgetting it, there is no brushing the memory aside, i don't think it is possible to do that with something on an epic scale like this.I wish there was a button to life that erases things that are so tragic, but theres not...this is life as we know it ,no matter how much i throw a hissy fit and protest...no matter how much any one throws one...its only significant when more than one person does it at once.
I hope that all the victims are at peace now and not still left suffering with the question of why..don't try to understand, this is not something we are meant to understand, walk to the light, let go and be free like you all so greatly deserve. I trust that the angels were there that day...i fully believe in the angels, and even though it broke their heart because they could not take the pain away, i believe they lifted you all up in their arms and took you up to god...i believe this with all my heart. i know your souls are not lost anywhere, i know the angels made sure you got home safe. I want you all to know that we think about you everyday, not just me, but as a world you are within are hearts always, not a day goes by when we do not pray for your souls, today more than ever. I can promise you that you did not die in vain...i can promise that.
Bin Laden and co (i know I'm pure evil for wishing this on another human being) but i hope you rot in hell forever...but id like to increase your suffering now by telling you your plan never worked, you did not crush america, they stood strong...in fact...they are stronger now than they have ever been before. Your 'event; was also the one thing that inspired a change in me, even at a very young age it made me want world peace, it made me want to make this world a safe place for every human and every creature to live, the complete opposite of what you wanted, and trust me when i say...i will make the world free one day...just me time.  'We must realise that a change can only come when we stand together as one' and i think the world...every year starts to learn that a little tiny bit more....enough that it looks insignificant at the time...but over the years it makes a big difference. Yes there will always be 'the others' but if we can get 99.9% of the world fighting for peace then thats good enough for me... i will laugh in your face...i cannot wait for the world to finally get one over on the people like you.
America god bless you all i know how hard this day must be for you i wish you all peace...you are a wonderful and incredible country and i adore spending my time there when i get the money to visit. There will be no more of this one day i promise.
You may say i'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one, i hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one
in memory of the victims and dedicated to the families of the 9/11. Also for america itself.  

Lindsey

I love my doggie pop

Dreams can come true

Why is it that you spend your entire life believing that your dreams can always come true as long as you stick to them and keep going? Only I few years later you give fighting the tears and frustration at another failed attempt of something you will never achieve. Then to get all of your dreams rushing at you at the speed of light and you have to decide what path you want to take.

I have always known since I was young were I wanted my life to go roughly... As in what direction I wanted to take.. For example I knew I wanted to dance (but not as a career) I had a moment where I thought it was a good idea to dedicate my life to it but i listened to what my heart was telling me to do. Dance is still one of the reasons I breathe don't get me wrong, and most of all of course lyrical, I can get so much of my emotions out though putting music on and letting go. Another dream I wanted to work with animals and children I didn't know how exactly but I wanted that so bad... And last but not least by a long shot I wanted to travel the world and change and touch lives.

I spent years keeping on and on telling myself it will happen because I've never wanted anything more than my hearts desire and then when I got into this freaky depression phrase I was like 'you know what dreams are complete and utter bull' I remember telling my self about a year back that I was never going dream again because all I got was hurt...broken and let down. Literally everything was going wrong and every time I found hope to cling to it was snatched away from me. This year I decided I would give up and let my dreams come to me... And the crazy thing is 2 of my 'it will never happen' dreams I got to live out and still am living out and I also have another 2 dreams pending!!! Just the very moment I stopped.. Took a breath and gave in to life and let it do all the hard work.

Ive also had opportunities to do so much but I've needed to pick what right now was the most important for me and most beneficial to my soul. I figured I'm 20 I've still got time to do the lot yet!!

Never give up on you dreams but at the same time stop chasing them, let them be the ones to come to you

Love is what is needed

Something thats been bugging me tonight that i really wanted to get out in the open and just write about... Im not using names because that is unfair in this situation...but i know someone...or have come to know someone very recently who was in a major band and was famous all over the world. When i was younger they also happened to be my favourite band and actually in a million ways still are...i have all their music on my ipod i listen all the time and i know all the words...Alot of their songs have alot of depth and meaning for me. 
So a few years back now this wonderful woman went though a really bad time, really bad and publicly to which makes the situation even more shit...i was having a moment and listening to their music on you tube tonight and i came across this awful video of her being interviewed and just breaking down in the middle of it...then to my horror i looked at the comments below to find most of them were still against her i ranted on there too i got so mad i couldnt help it. 
If your reading my blog then i fully believe you have a true heart therefore please use this entry to educate others around you as im sure you already know this, let them look to this as an example.

First of all im going though the whole depression thing now and trust me when I say its not nice...imagine being locked in a small dark box so you cant move with hardly enough air to breathe...now imagine that 24/7... thats depression.. it really is evil, its such a strong force and as much as people say its a cry for attention it's really not.
A person with depression is living in a completely different world from those around them..depression is like another person taking hold of you, a person  that lets you sit in your own body whilst they take over and poison your thoughts and your actions, and the more you shout for them to let you out the more they will just push you away. Basically...I've had this since i was 12 and its been getting worse and worse to points where ive tried to kill myself quite a few times...its been at points where ive had to be pinned down just to stop me from beating myself to death...weeks where i refused to eat..i would sit and cut and not even register in my brain i was doing it until i looked down...saw the blood and snapped out of my trance state...
Things are alot better for me now...but...depression is an awful awful illness...and very serious...if someone had cancer you would never tell them to just get over it, so i dont understand why people tell you to just get over depression...its as much of an illness as cancer is. very different yes..but very much serious in its own right...  people with depression need support and love...not to be called a liar and a fake.

Anywho so the beautiful lady i know...i never realised till i saw that video how bad it was, and trust me when i see her next i am going to be giving her a huge huge huge huge hug. I want this blog to teach you not to judge someone just by what you see...and also that we as humans make mistakes..we need to support and love in order to grow.She was at the point of killing herself...she was a mess...almost as bad as i was at my worst and when i was at that state i couldnt bring myself back so she done amazingly well to do so. Basically people were saying things about her and judging her on one or two little things she had said and no matter how many times she explained what really happened and what was meant people put her down more. There are comments on the video saying shes a bitch and dont care about anyone but herself...HA...when i first met her i didnt even realise who she was because ok i am a dumbshit but shes not this stuck up person people say she is..not at all when im around her both of us normally have no make up and have anything thrown on... She was so down to earth and gentle and caring i adored her from the moment i met her. When i finally realised who she was i had a major star struck moment for about two weeks where i would hide when she was near... (i know fucking retarded but thats me) my mum was like 'Vikkie stop being so bloody pathetic and give her a hug' so i just asked her one day can i have a hug and straight away she was like of course! and it was a hug with feeling and meaning. I mean im ok now i feel just like normal hence the fact ill let her see me without make up! But now when i have my bad days she will sit on the floor with me and give me huge hugs and make sure im ok just like my friends would...shes incredible really and has the most beautiful heart..i can honestly say everything in the media was complete and utter bullshit. I also spoke with her mom and aunt etc so i know the real story behind it...

Guys..when someone has depression you dont sit there and mock them and start with stupid stories please..its fucking stupid...i honestly believe along with her that if it were not for her best friend..well..all because she was hounded so so much by the media when what she really needed was love and support...The media calling her a bully...well that is SO SO far from the truth so far...all over a few words which i believe really were taken the wrong way. 
Right and you know what im just gonna switch to the point of view that what is said is always meant...ok well...fair enough...but why the fuck keep on? people make mistakes thats what we do thats how we learn and grow, if everything always went smooth life would be shit, boring and there would be nothing to sing about, nothing to make movies about, there wouldnt be a world....the way i look at things..something is said well its done, you cant take it back...you move on...spesh on bullshit (sorry but i have to say that). Just she knows herself what bullying is like so why would she do that to anyone else... 
Please by reading this try and understand where im coming from...no body needs to know the person im talking about but know by not supporting people you can make them a million times worse.
I'm out

if you have been affected by what ive wrote here please visit a mental health website such as MIND or your local health centre dont be alone, this story above and my story to shows exactly what can happen when you leave things. if you have been affected by the bullying side please also find help for that... 
thank you