My horse is on the birth control pill???

Quite a while back now i started to notice that my seemingly innocent and spook proof mare had changed... now im not saying shes bombproof..shes only a baby she couldnt be yet but she was AMAZING for a horse so young almost nothing ever bothered her but she was spooking now at the most stupid of things... for example a mud splatter once was enough to send her into a compete panic. I got the dentist out made she her back was ok and got her saddle looked at and i got the same thing 'you've got a mare...HORMONES!
A couple of  months ago her behavior started to become really random i swear she has some form of pony bi polar and it drives me insane until last week were she was TOO dangerous i had gone with her but i phoned my friend for advice and she said yes it was worth calling the vet out.

When the vet came she had to be sedated and have a scan and i was standing by her head practically crying thinking 'my baby is gonna die' But she got the all clear. Whats wrong with her? She's basically an nymphomaniac which is causing her to be in season 24/7 ( which would prob explain her spraying on all mares and geldings, the geese at the lake where i keep her and even my mother.) Letting her have a foal is not an option due to her past... she gets severely over protective and i think a foal would break the trust i have with her. So thank god tomorrow we can ring up insurance and hopefully get some cover... in about 2 months time if her equine pill works then we may be looking towards her having marbles put in her uterus  to save money in the long run and the save her being drugged up. That will make her think shes pregnant so shell just not come into season... Its been three days and already dryer and cleaner, she smells less... shes not spraying all over the place, shes not as rude as she could be and i have more control of her again.. This stuff works wonders! I dont mind her being forward as long as shes prepared to listen to me.

Let's pray i get my hyper nutty but not dangerous pony back soon!

Seeing Lilly again

85 days till i am reunited with this adorable little girl.  

I actually love her, words cannot describe how far i would go to protect her... i mean, i love her entire family like crazy but Lilly is like the most brightest and happiest child to be around. Regardless how your feeling she cheers you right up. I was looking though my laptop today (my main computer i broke haha) and this was one of the few pictures i had already saved to the hard drive. It was taken the day i had to say goodbye to Lilly because Alaina and I were flying on to Nebraska in the morning and of course as much i wanted to, we couldn't take Lilly with us...and Stef (my friend/lilly's mom) asked Lilly to give miss Vikkie a hug goodbye and she came running over threw herself out me and then gave me a kiss... the cutest thing ever. Then you should see her brother and her when they are sitting in the car together laughing over something...if i could record that sound and listen to it forever i actually would. It has the power to turn even the coldest of hearts. 

I just hate that i can never see everyone i want to see, until i actually traveled to America for the first time i didn't quite realize how big the place is and how long it would take to drive from one end of the country to the other, like in England you could do it in a day unless you were my family then it takes you a hour to five minutes down the road. Whilst i'm sitting on that plane with a huge smile on my face for the people im going to see again, i also want to cry because i cant see everyone i saw last year... Im gonna miss Utah and Nebraska and even more so im gonna miss the people i was with when i was there. I sometimes wish money and health were not issues so i could just go and never come back, that would be perfect for me. My problem is i have friends all over the world like Germany, Canada, Spain, Australia, Jamaica etc... so when i say it's an issue it really is there is no way i can do all of them in one go, or even in a year really.

But argh i love little Lilly i cannot wait :)  so worth a nine hour flight

BABY ROUX!!!

One small hand to hold in yours, 
One small face to smile,
One wet kiss as he says "good-night"
One small child.

Catch the moment, put it in your heart 
The years too soon will fly.
These are precious moments,
more than money can buy.

Two small arms to hold you tight, 
Two small feet to run,
Two small eyes full of love for you,
One small son.

Catch the moment and put it in your heart 
and never let it go.
Save it for the years to come
when he, too, will know.

One small hand to hold in his 
One small face to smile.
One small kiss and he says "Good Night"
One small child.




Would like to to say a HUGE congratulations to the wonderful Eleanor and Rob Masters on the birth of their first son... a beautiful healthy baby boy born a 4:15pm on March 22nd weighing 6lbs 0.5oz and answering to the name of Roux.  


So much love for you all xxxxxxxx 

Meow

Dear UK cast of the young americans 2006
I guess i will never ever stop giving you a note like this around this time of year. I cant get you out of my head around this time of year even more so than ever before. I know that tomorrow is gonna be super hard for you all and i know that im super busy tomorrow and i wont get a chance to write this out so i really wanted to do it now.
I want you to know i am still inspired and moved by each and every single one of you every single day. Alot of what i have done in my life is based around what i was taught in that workshop with you. There were ALOT of rumors going around my school that day about what had happened and quite honestly none of them were decent...nobody thought the Young Americans would come and everyone was worrying more about their money getting lost that the loss of a life...most of the students anyway. I know for a fact i never expected you to come, if i lost a close friend then had to do workshop i would run screaming in the opposite direction...i was in my music class when you guys arrived and started unpacking the truck and setting up in the sport hall and whenever a student walked past you gave them a huge smile. Now i dont know what was going on inside your heads at that time but for the students you were happy and carefree...no worries in the world.
When the time came for workshop i was so scared because i thought i would get rejected...My foot came out of cast the day before after getting broken and i seriously thought you guys would take one look and be like 'Uhhmmm go away' i had no trust whatsoever in this 'young americans' thing because i'd never heard of it before. Even my teachers didnt know if i could take workshop. But they asked and you were like 'of course! silly question. I was so scared that day i was shaking...i was almost ready to burst into tears i seriously thought this whole thing would be full of judgement the whole way and how would i ever compare to those skinny, beautiful, 'perfect' girls that were sitting next to me. i remember everything from that day... I remember ashwin being the first YA i ever met asking what i done to my foot,  and mishearing a few time so eventually i get to a point where im like 'you know hoofs? mane?' and i got 'OH A HORSE OH MY GOSH YOUR GONNA LOVE JESS YOU HAVE TO MEET JESS!!!). I remember meeting Jaimie. That alone was enough i don't i'd ever met some so insane before in my life, but she made me smile and she made me laugh and she got me motivated which NEVER normally happens.  I remember Brooke and just randomly talking and her saying how she didnt like birds, and me being like WHAT!!!!!?!?!?!. I remember Kaitlin and happiness and the fact i REALLY did not want to do that number i felt like a complete idiot. I felt so comfortable with that number 10 minutes with you Kaitlin (if your reading this) like nowadays i go so crazy in that number its a surprise i don't break something... ( i also burst HAPPPINESSSS!!!!!!! out on trains when im on the tube in London...im surprised ive not been sectioned doing that).
OH MY GOSH THE LION KING before i met you all lion king was just that, the lion king nothing special what so ever just about a group of lions and cute baby cubs growing up. You just.... WOW you made me see lion king from a totally different point of view and i can tell you now every workshop that ive done ive danced like the 2006 taught me, and with every workshop i throw myself more, when i was in germany... we run lion king a couple of times i threw myself into SO much that sweat was pouring down me at the end, the stick i was dancing with became at one with my body... i saw my whole life in that one dance. I was crying my eyes out even though it wasnt the show. You were the ones to start that. In 2009 when i got to dance with Gweedo's stick... i will never forget that, certainly danced for you that year, for each and every single one of you.
I actually want to mention everyone but i have to leave in 45 minutes so i cant but i know i think of each and every single one of you still i cannot and will not forget you. I love you all so much, even the YA i never actually spoke to and even the YA who i took workshop with and never spoke to again. Shannon, Jess, Alaina i remember you helping me find myself after workshop, once everything was over.

Gweedo, oh how i wish i could have been at the workshop before with all my heart and all my soul i could have given anything, know you were certainly not forgotten and we certainly learnt who you are, Alaina even set the story straight no matter hard it was for her, she got up and told everyone what had happened just to lose the rumors you should be proud... maybe a punch on the shoulder and a meow for her in return?  For years your mom and i have been saying we would meet and it never happened, well i can say that i got the pleasure to go meet her with Alaina last summer, i was so scared on the plane going like 'what if she hates me?!?!?!?!?!' She just cried when she saw us and said over and over i cant believe your here i cant believe im finally meeting you. She drove us home and showed us around the house and then was like but yeah your house too for the next three days... i used to come out the bathroom hair wrapped up in a towel spongebob pj's on, all make up off and go much on food... I love your mom of my gosh i love her so much. AND SHE TOOK ME TO THE ZOO AND I SAW A TURTLE REALLY BIG STYLE!!!!!! Argh and your hometown i fell in love with...mentallly fell in love with i cried when i left and was seriously considering burning my passport, Nebraska is incredible. I got to see Brooke again too which was awesome and yet another thing i was really nervous about, i felt at home even with her your whole family is incredible  we sat in her backyard drinking tea (i was on water trying not to pass out from the heat) just talking about you.

Mommy, Daddy and Brooke, Stay strong and keep holding on today my beautiful fam and know if i could be in Nebraska with you all i would  be there in a second hugging you all till you pass out. I love you all so much. Mommy remember everything i told you? about the things gweedo has done for me even though i never met him....? just because of his incredible friends...think of that tomorrow. Urgh i want to be there so so bad it hurts my heart...keep walking i know you can be strong youve done it before, plus you dealt with me and looked after me for three day and imma handful so you perfect. hugs and love to all  of you.

free

A letter to my beautiful Maddy

Dear Maddy.

I'm writing this now because I know I won't be able to get the words out in a few months time, I know it will hurt so much I won't be able to breathe so I'm gonna do this now.
I can't believe your moving to go study in America girl I remember congratulating you a year ago when you told me you were going and thinking 'hey it's fine we have forever' and now it's coming so fast and it breaks me.
This song I want you to take in you heart wherever you go and whatever you do. I love this song to death and back I'm obsessed in fact, in fact ill sing it too you soon acapella (and I mean soon because ill already cry let alone as the date gets nearer.)

'Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart it's the only way for destiny'

I know today we were sitting talking about how scary it is, and weird it's will be, I don't know my life without you and your starting this whole new one thousands of miles away in America. Know that I know you can make it though. I know you can do it and I know that you can overcome any hurdle that gets put in your way... Even if you ARE to busy eating nando's and fall I know you'll get back up on your feet again.

Like apart from now,just to write this I try not to think about it because I get panicky and upset and I lose all ability to function. Maddy you are one of my best friends, and you always will be

'Nothing will ever change the way I feel'

You know even if you married Johnny depp I would still love you! And that's at first. I guess what I'm trying to say is how sorry I am that I've taken you being here and close to me for granted so much, like the last time I saw you up until tonight was in June, now your going soon and I have to be without you completely and there is know knocking on your door or hugs when I need them any more. I'm sorry I took you for granted will will make the most of the next few months, starting with Friday night!!!

Thank you for being there for me when life had dragged me down to the lowest of the low, thank you for holding me together and never ever giving up on me, thank you for refusing to give up now matter how much I pushed and pushed and tried to close myself away from you. Thank you for talking me out of suicide, thank you for saving my life, and we both know a very personal situation where I mean you DID save my life. Thank you for letting me lean on you when I wasn't strong.

Your such a beautiful, selfless young woman and I love you to death and back and to infinity and beyond I million billion trillion times and more. Remember no matter how far we are I am always on the other end of the phone or you can Facebook me. If worse comes to worse call me and I will find the money somewhere and get on the next flight out and that's a pinky promise.

I have so much more I want to say but I can't put it down in public so I will do you a private note to read on the plane. I love you I love you I love.

What are you waiting for? Spread your wings and soar

Always
Vikkie
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On the path unwinding

“Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.” - The lion king

For anyone who knows me, they will be able to tell you my deep respect for the lion king. In 2006 i took a workshop with a group called The Young Americans for the first time, just before they came to our school to teach us they lost a cast member. THIS was the dance you saw all the emotion pour out in...i don't think i have ever cried like i did then. I was so full of pride even for a group of people i didn't really know  After they had performed the dance for us they told us to split up and find a YA to teach us the dance. Before we learnt anything they sat with us in a circle and we spoke about the meaning of the words and how strong they were, and how when you dance this song your heart goes fully into it.  They taught me it was ok to feel a different emotion every time i danced and if i wanted to cry then i could, i didn't have to be afraid.  Seeing them dance this song for their friend that had died hit me so hard it was unreal suddenly 'the circle of life' and 'he lives in you' had a whole new meaning to which i had never imagined possible before. 

One week after the YA had left to go back to America i was at home with nothing to do so decided to put on the lion king DVD and watch that thorough my new eyes this time. I cried from the start to the very end credit. The movie was now no longer a cartoon but a story of life, hope, courage, loss, fear, death... the story of finding YOUR own place in that circle of life, knowing that the circle of life never stops, it will keep going regardless of what happens 'its the circle of life, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love.'  understanding that things are gonna be ok and you will find you way eventually, but also realising that it's not going to be easy and you are going to have to go though every emotion possible to find yourself. It taught me theres no such thing as gone and as long as you keep a lost loved one within your heart they are ALWAYS alive. Their life has not ended because as long as you carry on for them... THEY LIVE IN YOU.  The cast of the 2006 honestly were the best thing that ever happened to me and my life, even now i can put my hand on my heart and swear that. I have never met a group of people more amazing. It's insane one of the old cast members said to me the other day that i was the strongest person she knew,I've had other YA say that to me a lot too... but what she didn't realise was that my strength i got from her and of course her friends on that tour. 

I've taken a lot of workshops and lion King is always in it and talking about every time would be immensely boring but another time that taught me even more about the lion king was in 2009 and this beautiful (too beautiful it makes me jealous) girl picked me to dance sticks with her, which is basically what it is, a dance with sticks to shadowlands (anyone who has seen the west end/broadway will know how moving that is i cried like a baby). i know that at that point seeing the lion king performed again, add to the fact of my new eyes i saw it though i was in a complete state. The last thing i wanted was for the stick to be shoved in my face and told I'm gonna do this dance which means more eyes will be on me, but anyway i done it...and i'm glad i did. I was taught the meaning behind the dance and song, and looking down at my scar covered arms i knew EXACTLY why she had picked me. The dance was about going though shit and falling to your lowest but getting back up again and fighting...and never forgetting who you are. Theres this move in the dance where you reach up with one hand and then grab you wrist with the other. I know that every time i do that dance i slap my wrist so hard i leave a bruise, not to hurt myself but to let go of all the pain of my past, accept myself and move on to what is my future...i bring all that pain in, look at it briefly then realise its ok to let go and throw it away. Oh man i love her and then when we got back into the main hall she was like 'here i think you would like to dance with this' and handed me a different stick...i just looked at her as if she was on drugs until she pointed out something written in black tape on the side 'GWEEDO', the YA i was talking about in 2006. It gave me unimaginable strength and for me summed up he lives in you perfectly.

This is why i'm writing this now...i just watched lion king again and I've gone from having a crap few days, losing hope to live, to think of this, and the special people lion king has helped me meet and I'm now inspired. 

Until we find our place on the path unwinding...  

On the move again

So here i am back to my old blog, the next one or two posts i am just gonna copy over and then ill start writing again, i cant be bothered to learn how to use wordpress and this is 100% free so i might aswell stay here for now :)