Well yesterday i woke up, feeling mega down, and realised that as i would normally do in my 'down situations' i wanted to cut again. It really is an addiction an evil addiction. I'm worried that coming off that and my eating problem will start again but anyway, i actually went to harm myself when i saw my butterflies, barely there, nearly faded, drawn upon my arm and i realised yet again, thanks to the wonderful butterfly project that self harming was not going to do anything but hurt others around me. Then i realised something, that these butterflies i had drawn on myself were not going to last forever and they would fade regardless of if i like it or not then i would need to draw them on again, the thing that scared the crap out of me was the fact of, what if i need to cut, have no butterflies and no pen? ,because i know that, for a fact, i would go back to cutting..i know myself well enough to know that. I wanted a tattoo of a butterfly and also the letters TWLOHA done on my arm, sometime in the near future, i was going to get it once i was totally over my self harm but i thought, the butterfly project works? So why not make the most of it and get the butterfly done now, whilst it will have a chance to also do the job it was put there to do, so, in the future i could look back at that one tattoo and think about, not just what i overcome but what that little tattoo overcome. A friend of mine is totally against tattoos but when i told him why i was getting this one and what it's meaning was he actually offered to give me the money if i needed it so i could get it done how i wanted, thankfully my nanna helped me out there so i was able to say no thank you.
I did originally want my tattoo on my left arm however my arm is so badly scarred that it was impossible,i mean i have my scars there from when i went really deep and tried to kill myself so i'm gonna get something else there late maybe. I did though, have room to get it done on my other arm so thats what i decided, i'm gonna add the picture up here so you can see what i mean but i want to use this blog to explain each and every single part and reason to why i got this tattoo...:)
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| A very beautiful but equally swollen arm and tattoo :) |
So the colors, well they are incredible and i did want red and orange in it aswell but i have a ballet tattoo on my right foot that reads 'to dance is to live' and the little red hearts around them have gone all raised and stupid looking (turns out i react to the red ink) so therefore red and orange (comes from red) ink are out... :( but they man who done my tattoo was really helpful and helped me sort out other colors that actually look pretty much the same but have no red or orange so i was perfectly happy. The reasons for getting so many bright colors is because i believe that rainbows remind people of happiness and good feelings, it's crazy because rainbows come out in the rain, but for me, they make me think of just the sun on a beautiful blue clear day. I also thought it would be a good idea as i have many friends whom i class as my butterflies...and they are gay, and i thought that it would show something for them...and a few of them SH because they have been bullied about being gay...on my instgram account i follow this incredible girl and she is bullied something crazy just because of her sexuality and it gets me so fucked off....ok i cannot understand how they would not want to marry Johnny Depp or Ryan Gosling, because quite honestly i would die if that happened, die with happiness, but it does not mean that they are not alloud to live their life the way they want to. Also when i was at school, there was a group formed called the rainbow nation, and that stood for anti racism well, whenever i see colors like this, i that too, the colors are also anti racism. All the things that make me feel good are those colors..aka; standing up for what is right. At first i was really debating getting such a colorful tattoo because ive never done it before but im so glad i did because i am head over heels in love with it. THe butterfly itself is in mid flight, i believe that shows freedom, beauty and hope, it flies away with all bad feeling then when it settles again it brings back growth, power and change. It also, like the butterfly project taught me, represents incredible people in my life who love me or want me to get better. They are with me always i am so blessed to have them. The letters written at the side... T.W.L.O.H.A stand for To Write Love On Her Arms which is yet another incredible charity dedicated to helping girls to overcome self harm and depression and any kind of mental illness. I am obsessed. please please google them and check out their site because they are simply awesome.
This tattoo, for me it means so much, I'll have moments where i regret getting it because it means i cant cut, but then i think about the future and what one little bit of ink put into my arm has done for me and i smile. :)
All of my tattoos and piercings have been done by the same place Finishing Touches...i seriously recommend them, that are brilliant, spesh if you are scared or not knowing what to expect. :)
Thanks for reading :) Thank you followers for so many hits even though ive not promoted recently :) Xxx
