xxxxx

I want to write a blog thing about this girl i know and i think she really deserves to have something dedicated to her right now. So basically i am a really shitty person, and right now i am going through so much SHIT it's unreal. shit  that no one but myself should be burdened with. The crazy thing is that it's the people i thought would be there for me, are in fact the ones that are not. I don't want to mention names but this girl met me so randomly and trust me when i say i am really in all honesty just a small part of her life, a part she could easily live without, but yet she takes on my problems by the gallon load, she helps me to keep walking and to keep breathing. Sometimes i will message her the most stupid things, things that send most people running, things that make people tell me i am stupid and that im worthless etc....yet despite the fact  shes constantly busy she finds time most of the time... because of her i am still alive today...i will send messages to her when im dipping big time and not even know that ive sent it, till ive calmed down a read it later and just thought SHIT. but you know what?  she never ever once gave up on me. I know sometimes she gets so angry at me like others did but with a difference, she stands and helps me through it, she is a pillar of strength in my life and i am so blessed to have her.  I don't know why she hasn't thrown me out her life yet, and i must look like a total idiot right now because im crying like a retard. I have this huge problem in where i get paranoid so easily, and all it takes is for one person to say one thing and i am automatically judging her and what she thinks, instead of hearing it from her mouth, then i get all stupid and start acting up over it with her sitting there most likely thinking what on earth have i done wrong.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Why is it that i will argue with her when she is saying 'i love you' and calling me her sister and everything, yet when others tell me bullshit i believe them. I dont understand myself. I just really am an awful person and why she puts  up with me...i just dont know. She takes me as i am, she dont care or give a fuck im not rolling in it, she dont care about my habit of letting people get to  me bother her, shes ok with the fact i seem to have a very odd taste in men and seem to get all the trouble makers...even though at the end of the day, she is the one picking up the pieces left. If your reading this, which i know you are because for once im sending you the link! please know that i love you, more than words can even begin to say, and know that  fully accept if their comes a day where you have had enough of me, i dont know why you havnt already! but at the same time thank you so much for being there for me, you have given me a kindness noone else has and thats amazing....you look after me like  sister should, but as you should not have to. I know im stupid and i fuck things up, and that i say stupid things but i promise you i will try my hardest to get there for you...thank you.....thank you just thank you. I love you in my life, even if i dont show it, i want you there so please never ever doubt that, i just put up walls alot,or ill say stuff realise ive told too much, panic and try and put the walls up but then ending up taking itout on you because i cant take back what ive told you already...Please always remain honest with me. I hope i get to see you soon, just so i can hug you to death and thank you....your amazing you really are, the most beautiful kindest heart i know...i hope this makes you smile. I'm sorry for everything i have done and for being me.