So for once in my life my bags are pretty much packed and all ready to go, for once i'm not gonna be doing a mad rush at the airport like a loon trying to buy everything i have forgotten and getting into a total mess about things i left at home and have only realised now that i needed.
Today is just dragging like a bitch literally...i keep doing loads of different things, i wrote yet another song on my guitar and learnt two new songs and when i looked at the clock i felt like no time had gone past at all! I just know this is gonna happen for the next few days its gonna drive me insane.!
I have this best friend in Canada and she got the news that her friend (who has cancer) stopped responding to treatment yesterday, she is beyond upset and falling apart..and trust me when i say shes like my twin i know her so well, and shes strong, nothing normally gets to her but this has.  It just makes me think about how life can be so unfair sometimes, because shes been though so much already and i just hate the fact that this is now happening to her. When she first told me, my instinct told me to get right on a plane and fly out to her, but again life sucks and bank balance is not letting me do that. I think that its one of the hardest ever things to have to look on and watch your friend fall apart and not be able to be there for them as much as you want to be. The beauty is that we do have facebook, and skype and everything else and we can talk on there, but seriously the huge ocean separating us is not very helpful right now.
I'm sad for her friend too, i mean i dont care that I've never met her, i just love every human being and believe that everyone deserves to live a long life. This is unfair....but again, it's the circle of life, i may not know her but i will dance circle of life for her in the young american workshop next week. Because everytime i dance to that i set myself a purpose a person, or a reason or a goal.....that girl will be my reason now.
Anywho i'm gonna go try find something else to do. 
LOVE <3

Another Lion King Blog

Shadowland, The leaves have fallen  This shadowed land  This was our home  The river's dry  The ground has broken  So I must go, I must go, and where this journey may lead me let your prayers be my guide i cannot stay here my family, but I'll remember my pride.

Oh lion king yet again i started listening to your music and feeling my entire soul pour out before my ears, i feel like i can't do this anymore, i really do, and then i listened to shadowland and it made me realise just how bad it got for the lions at pride rock, and then how it ended up perfect in the end that clung me on to the ledge with that tiny tiny bit of hope.  Right now i do not live in a broken land....it's just within myself i feel broken, i feel angry at myself and full of hatred, i should be more grateful for what i have got.
One thing you taught me was that everything was connected in the circle of life, and i guess that this is too, even though it sucks hard and i have trouble putting up with it inside my head.
I am actually excited to do two young American workshops next week just because of the lion king dance we get to do at the end, like before i was really scared but now i just do not give a crap because this dance...well its just magical. When i dance that dance it completely brings out a different side to me and that side i dont think really came out before i learnt this dance, most of all the stick dance with Emma in 2009, and ok, i dont really talk with her anymore, but every time i look back upon that experience, it really does change me so much...so much...the dance is so powerful and shows life.....the beauty, heartache and courage, everything about life.
I hope that by being in Germany, in my most favourite country in the world, with the most beautiful people in the world...doing my most favourite dance in the world i will be ok.
Ich hoffe :) 

.............

I'm giving up 
I'm fed up of trying 
The more i try the more i stumble and the more i graze myself.
Maybe it would just be better to let it go and fall backwards again. 
Maybe.  I don't know.

A blog for my followers

So i just wanted to yet again express my gratitude for sending me such beautiful messages and giving me such wonderful feed back about my blog, and thank you even more for those who are passing my blog onto others and reccomending it. WOW it's simply amazing! I would like to stress now to all my readers despite the fact i know literally none of you i am always here for any stranger just like i would be for anyone i know. You can message me on twitter my screen name is xGreenSpiritx i feel like it's all i can do to thank you all!
I recived a long email last night and yet another long one tonight and it's made me realise how much this blog must be helping people, anywho i'm off! Thank you again! xxxx

Havering College

Ok, i admit it, i miss college more than anything else i have ever missed in my entire life, i feel like my part of my heart is actually missing.I spent the final year there fucking about, and in general that was because i was struggling with problems..so i used to just space out and try and go into my own world, i used to sit on my phone, read a magazine or simply walk out. BUT if i look back to when i first walked though those doors three years back, a sixteen year old fresh out of school and pretty much bricking the fact i was in college now....and then i look at how far I've come and i realise how grateful i am to that place, yes i still put myself down...ALL the time and yes i still hate on myself and nothing will ever change those feelings because at the end of the day i know i am right, but i learnt to get some sort of confidence, I learnt how to have fun performing to a level of which i never thought possible...i got to learn so much and have wonderful dance lessons taught by amazing teachers for free when i would have had to pay shitloads in dance schools...i can't believe i am actually saying all of this now....but that college got me into a place where i felt i could redo some of my exams i practically ruined in school and i passed them easily in my second year...along with doing a full time course...even the acting classes i miss and singing.....oh god i miss the entire thing.... 
I actually still hate myself for the fact i was such a bitch in my last year i really was a hell child....in my eyes...spesh looking back now, i deserved everything bad to come to me...i don't care that i was 'ill' because I know now that i let others down by being an idiot....I let the teachers down...I let the college down and i actually hate myself for it because it was the best thing that could have happened to my life....
I wish that i was pretty or i was slim and i know that i cant really change them unless im rolling in it, i already said that before but...if i was those things i might have more courage in myself...i wish more than anything that i could actually dance well because i really am the worst dancer EVER...because then i would still be there for another two years....

I left this year and didn't go on to a level four course because i knew even if i had my 'dimploma' saying otherwise i wasn't good enough for it, i also know the teachers didnt deserve to have me for another two years...and i knew myself i didn't deserve to go there....theres no point being there even though all your heart is in it, when you let yourself down so much....because performing really is about being a team, you can never just let yourself down. I will say it again i can't believe i'm writing this....i have never EVER praised a teacher before...apart from maybe one in my primary and then one in my high school. But all of them here were pretty amazing... 

I was out walking with a friend the other month and we managed to get lost after walking through a field instead of following the two signposted pathways...(typical), and i just decided to throw my shoes off and dance like a loon....i was in the middle of no where, dancing to imagine..or it might have be angel, and i made my best friend cry because she said there was so much passion...i wish i could just be like that when i am around people, instead of leaving it for just the birds to see when im in a field in the middle of god only knows what.....

I miss that place, I miss the stupidness that came with being part of 'Horizons Performance Company'. I can't forget any of it, because every memory is so precious....i still remember the tiny little things that used to happen or the hilarious antics that henry got up to that used to make me literally wet myself....

I want to go back now, even though i know im not in a good place now and that would be a bad idea i miss it more than anything i have ever missed in my entire life....people say that you look back upon school as the best years of your life, well not a day has gone by yet since i missed that place! but i miss this place already with all my heart. I'm actually crying i want to be back there so bad. 

I made some of the most amazing friends there, friends that i will keep for life.... 

Please god take me back.     

...blank...

So right now, I'm going though a pretty shit time, everything i was thinking a few weeks back well I'm going back on it, I'm falling apart literally at the seams, i wish that there was someone i could talk to that would not judge me but thats impossible. My two beautiful sisters...well one of them is now busy with uni and all that shit and i don't really talk to her anymore now, and my other sister has enough on her plate and i dont want to bother her with my problems..no matter how much she tells me it's ok. 
I literally have had a week non-stop of wanting to cry the entire time I keep reading my previous blog post and thinking about all the good things i mentioned there, everyday i feel worse and it seems these beautiful things slip from my mind all to quickly. 
I'm having a hard time missing people that are too far away from me, people all over the world, and it hurts my heart alot. Theres so many places i wish i could be right now and so many people i would rather be with.
Now thinking back on last week going out did me no good as all i done was drank myself silly and accepted every drink offered to me even if i didnt know the guy..which ok was fine here, but could in some cases be pretty bloody dangerous... 
I need to find the remote of life and hit the pause button for a while, just put everything in hold and have a little breather... 
All you can do is keep breathing...

Jar Of Hearts

So i wanted to write a blog about this song because i am right now completely obsessed with it, i first heard it a while ago, i actually think pretty much when it first come out but recently, well i have just been totally obsessed with it, i totally need to make a dance to it, although i've been a fat slob recently so i'm most likely not gonna be able to move hahaha. But i do know that i have now learnt how to play this beautiful song on guitar, all my own singer songwriting has gone out the window all for this one song, just so i could learn it and be able to play it's crazy. 
I really LOVE the lyrics  
'Who do think you are
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
Your gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me 
Who do you think you are. '
There is so much power in them it's unbelievable, she really is getting the message and p[oint of her song across a million times better than any screamo music that is played today but instead uses a beautiful melody. 
Anyway i think you should all check out her video and some of her other songs :)  Here's the link. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&ob=av3e

Major blog update :)

Hey my beautiful readers so first off, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL PEACE DAY! even though its nearly over in England, still I thought i should just get it in anyway..:) 
Ok, I've not blogged yet again in a while, my life really has been crazy and full of different things going on, I've not had the time to breathe let alone do anything else....!

First things first I'M GETTING A LOAN HORSE!!! I am actually so excited, so one of my best friends Sarah, well her friend is loaning one of her beautiful horses to me and i am just so excited and it's for a cheap price that i don't think you could beat :) I'm so happy :)  This is perfect for me and has come at just the right time, i am so lucky to have the opportunity to do this, normally its something i would never be able to think about because of money and everything, but it IS something i have wanted my entire life...and when i started riding my desperate urge to loan/own/share a horse became unbearable...but this horse, he is amazing, and has the most perfect owner who is going to be there to help me every step, although i think i should be ok (i hope)

Second, I'm actually going back to Germany sooner than what i expected to be and i'm going to be doing two YA workshops with my beautiful family and the most amazing thing, is that i am going to get to see SO many of my friends at the first one it's going to be like one crazy Reunion and oh my gosh i am just so excited for it.

The past few days have been really hard for me, and it's these small things that keep me going and keep me happy and give a reason to carry on another day, I even went out with some friends sunday night which i have been to scared to do in ages, so i was actually proud of myself for that one :) 

Also something in the near future that i have to look forward to is my short trip to America, im freaking out over that i actually can't wait! My friend i am actually flying out to see, well I was looking at her facebook page today and all i could think was OH MY GOSH HOW MUCH HAS SHE CHANGED, and it's crazy because even though she was an adult when i met her, its like looking back at photos she was just a girl and now shes this even more beautiful and strong woman and i just cannot wait..she inspires me beyond any kind of measure so i know so much good will come out of this trip. I will be honest, i am scared after all these years she is gonna hate me, which is dumb, REALLY dumb because that woman let me tell you is not capable of hate...Then I'm worrying about the plane journey because i don't really like flying, i kinda see it as a thing i have to do when one of my dreams is too see the beautiful planet that we live on... 

But i don't know i went online about a week ago to have a look at my flight prices again and they had literally trebled, and i cried so so hard because it meant i would only be able to go Utah and not take my beautiful friend on a trip else wear with me...(i have this thing of feeling guilty alot and always want to make up for it, and i love giving to people so it figures i was gutted, and i was also i admit sad because i REALLY wanted to go to Nebraska, even of no where else...butttttttt i went into a travel agents the next day and told her what happened and she managed to get my flights for even lower than what the cost before! I was literally gobsmacked :)  I'm so excited now :) I know i get to spend a little time in Chicago and Dallas aswell :) 

Anyway just thought i would update my readers, i really have been struggling recently, and i've been trying to balance everything out, just thought i would let you know about the things going on for me that are keeping me strong. I really do believe that no matter how insignificant they are to others if they mean the world to you then its worth it... 

Love to you all.. xxxxxxxx

Breast cancer awarness

I am so sorry for the lack of blogs over the pasy couple of days i have had so much going on and i literally have not had time to sit down and just... 
So first off the main thing i wanted to write about. This sunday we held a charity fundraiser event at the stables i ride at (eastminster) for breast cancer and leukemia, It was a really hard day for me, because of course it was September 11th and i always get super emotion over anything to do that!!! I'd spent the whole day crying and writing music to express my feelings, but then i had to leave to go help set up a stall that i was going to be working on, haha. I was actually ok when i was there, all i wanted to do was raise money for the cancer charity's..that was really important, I know alot of people who hae lost their lives to cancer and everyone in my family (girls of course) have had cancer..soooo....it's a big thing. 
The actual event started at 3pm but as i was there so early i got to have a look around the other stalls before everything started getting busy! So it just so happened that in the stall next to the one i was working at, a guy was selling load and loads of books, and anyone who knows me, knows that i have an inner geekness for reading, spesh over the past few weeks, so i got over there and managed to get some pretty awesome books, some that were actually new and recently published for 50p, yay :)  I also spent sooo much money on the stalls i was working on whenever we didnt have anyone to serve (oh well at least the money went to charity!) i managed to win a riding DVD, a few bags of horse treats (no doubt will all go on Cadet, Spirit and Jay) and a new mane come which was perfect as mine recently broke! Ohhhh and also a really cute soft toy which at my age, should not excite me but it did hahah! 
Theres tradition at my yard every year that we do a fundraising event for charity and whilst that is is always held in the jumping paddock... (which looks much smaller when your  not on horseback let me tell you!), and a big part of that tradition is also a musical ride which is ridden by the yard owner and some of the senior members of the school (normally the best riders in that term!) I really like watching this, and the past two years i didnt get to see it, so it was a treat to get to see it this year. Most of the ride, well pretty much all of them anyway, were made up of my instructors or previous instructors, it was good to see them riding for a change and as it was too music it made it even more perfect, it's amazing what a horse and rider can do when they work together! It was a shame about the wind though as it meant the music could not be heard very well but apart from that they were amazing... 
I'm so proud of everyone who helped that day, i know that within three hours we had raised over £1000 so once the rest gets tallied up god knows how much we would have made, hopefully alot more, WELL DONE AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!
I've also been spending alot of my time writing music, yesterday i think i spent the entire day with my beautiful guitar writing, I've actually recorded a couple of songs now and am debating letting a few of my friends hear them :)  I really do love music, I love how it is the same in every country and how it brings countries together, i know that when i am in Germany next month, music brings it together, even if nothing else is understood :) 
So much love xxxx

9/11 NEVER FORGET

Today is a day of remembrance to remember those who fell during the 9/11 
To remember the evil and gut wrenching horror of what was playing across our screens world wide
To remember the beautiful towers, innocently standing in new york city
To the pentagon
To the people on the four doomed planes...planes that are meant to take people to new places bring us happiness, not to be used against other human beings as a weapon of torture. 
To the people who lost their lives in the towers, the panic they must have felt..having such little hope they jump out the windows, because that would be better than staying inside this horrible mess that was left of a building. 

To the people who lost their lives trying to help, trying to SAVE lives...you are heroes...thank you, thank you for your courage, you saved many lives, in some cases sacrificing your own to do so.. 

To the victims friends and families, for all the heartache you have felt over the past ten years and for the heartache that is to come...

To the world...one day...i believe we will rise above this and become a better place. One day i believe...but for now we remember the past, and event which we cannot change and has impacted the world as we know it. 

Today, where ever you may be, i ask you to do something, just give a minute to think about the families and victims of this horrible evil tragedy...Most of you will come down to breakfast today sit and eat with the family as if everything is normal, it IS normal, please think about the families who have one, if not more empty places at their table now..to the families lighting a candle and praying for their loved ones comfort in heaven.

Today i am sure will be filled with TV programs and news shows live from new york, there will be a silence, please please, no matter what you are doing, put everything down and observe it.... you are alive, you have your life, and these people had theirs taken away, please please consider them and remember them as you go about your day. 

I also ask for a lesson to be learnt from this, and perhaps this is the only good thing that could ever come out of this tragedy...you never....know what is going to happen, make the most of your time with people, you never know when you will see them again. The families the 9/11 affected, it was a normal day for them, within seconds one event changed that forever...thank about...don't take anyone or anything for granted. 

I am sitting here trying so hard to even see what i am typing behind my tears, i really do pray for all the victims to be at peace, and i pray that whoever it is up there helps us to stop this kind of madness and to find peace within each other instead of war.

9/11, we will never forget that's for certain. There will always be an empty space in the New York skyline filled now by two beautiful beams of light...all that remains to remember by.

America, you are in my heart and thoughts constantly today..god bless you all. I wish i had arms big enough to extend over the seas and hug you all... 

I wish i could bring you the comfort you all deserve 

God Bless you all.

World trade centres

Here is a little something i wrote about the world trade centres 

10 years ago today
It's been a decade so they say 
It seems like only yesterday that the world changed forever
Stopped...came to a halt. 

Two high buildings standing magnificent and tall 
Together they were strong, they seemed invincible
Two Majestic buildings
Standing in the beautiful New York City. 
Invincible...standing tall...

But that was about to change
You see on that late summer day, September the 11th
Lives and Families were torn away. 
The deafening roar of the engine
The devastating explosion and smoke 
People burning, People dying
Jumping out windows no where to go.

And still ten years later we look back upon this day 
With our hand upon ours hearts
Standing and we pray
Please God if there is a heaven 
Let these people know we will never forget 
And from our thoughts they are never absent


September the 11th 2001
The day the world stood still 
We never will forget the fallen 
God bless. x

Ten years tomorrow

My heart is breaking. Tomorrow is ten years..ten years and nothing has changed, the 9/11 is still affecting people...still tearing apart lives, and breaking down families which are already broken beyond repair. I'm sitting crying my eyes out this is affecting me so much, the 9/11 never gets better...every year the whole world goes into mourning again as if it was happening all over again...
I found this vvideo, it's a ten year tribute to the 9/11 victims and i wanted to share it with my readers...please pass this on..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE4wjGp-80A
Nothing even related to this video, there was a story about a young girl on TV whom refuses to marry her boyfriend because her father is not there to walk her down the isle, is that not proof how much this is affecting people..I am just SO happy she has her boyfriend who understands her, she certainly deserves it.
I can't believe it...I can't believe it's ten years...
Next year when i am in America i would  love to visit ground zero, I'm pretty sure that will happen, and that i will get to be there at some point even if it is only for a day...
I don't know, what is crazy, is that i'm not religious, i don't even know if i believe in god or not, but i want to go there and pray for the lives that have been lost...I think i need closure, just to be there and be able to really see the place and send my infinite love...it will help me maybe get over it... 
I know it's stupid because I'm not American nor do i even know anyone who died in the tragedy, i am just a person who loves everyone and hates to see people hurting, i mourn even when i don't know the victims personally...i know thats bad and i'm sorry. I just thing that human beings should be decent to each other and not hurt eachother all the time, i wish people would lay down their guns, knifes, and bombs and everything destructive hold hands and vow world peace... I guess it's one of those things I'm gonna keep wishing for though that will never happen. 
What sickens me to the core is that there are now even more threats for tomorrow, that more places are going to be bombed, that planes are going to be taken over, people being held hostage, i mean WHAT THE HELL. You have put this world and the people on it though enough and on one of the hardest days of the year you want to go and make it worse by installing fear into everyone...yeah...nice move..It really does make me sick. I don't even want to be alive sometimes i am so ashamed of this planet and some of the evil human beings on it. 
May god bless the families, the victims and America... 
I love you all xxxx

Hush

'This our temporary home, its not where we belong, windows and rooms that I'm passing through, this is just a stop on the way to where were going, I'm not afraid because i know this is our temporary home....'

So i wanted to write a blog about this group i found a few weeks back  on you tube called Hush..I found them actually because i was looking for different cover versions of temporary home which is one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite artists Carrie Underwood, and i managed to stumble across this, and i thank god i did...because it's really beautiful!
The song is powerful i mean REALLY powerful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdMYVQx4Q1Y&list=FLwtxWBGnVln1MjjDfsNZPzA&index=2
and that is why i love it...It's a song that for me can bring comfort to anyone who is going though a hard patch or a hard time in life...It's helped me learn to cope with everything life throws at me, because in the end, everything is just temporary....
Now these girls, they sang this song with such conviction, conviction that i have only seen Carrie Underwood sing with before, the story is told though their eyes...
You could believe they really were that little boy getting shoved around to many different homes, that young girl who was a single mom and alone, that old man who is passing away...they are inspiring, amazing, and so incredibly talented...
I think you should definitely check out their music... :) 

Thank you!

'I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on it's ears
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given 
And i wanna try 
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less, than something that says
I was here'

Dear all my beautiful readers (and friends whom have read my blog!) I just want to say how grateful i am for amount of views I am getting, and the amount of people who think my blog is good enough to pass on to their friends and family... 
I have had a few messages since writing this blog telling me that i am an inspiration and that i have changed peoples lives by what i have written...well, this brought a tear to my eye...You cannot even begin to realise how happy it makes me to know that my blog is affecting people, you really can't...To think that i have helped someone go out there and do something, to think i have given someone the courage or the willpower to do something they were afraid of...simply just to help them have hope again, just AHHHHHH it makes me feel so good inside... 
I want to work with people when I'm older, I want to travel this world...people say i have a wise head on my shoulders for my age but my gosh i know there is so much more for me to learn...and this excites me, because anything to make me a better person :) and anything i can use to help people...
This blog will be going with me where ever i go...thank you for reading and helping me to understand myself... 

Loveeeeee :) 

Lessons Learned

'The past can hurt we can either run from it or learn from it.'

I love the lion king, and i know I wrote a blog about it a few days ago but I'm gonna do another one again because i just got a tattoo inspired by the lion king! 

It's a beautiful little simba cub with the quote underneath that i have written at the top of this blog. I wanted to write down the reason for this tattoo, simply because when i was having that tattoo done i nearly cried...not  the pain (Suprisingly there was very little it just hurt after..actually quite alot..)  but because of the REASON behind it... First of all i learnt alot from the lyrics and lesson that Lion king teaches...I am one of those people who can sit there and see the beauty unseen, it does not have to be clearly written upon the screen in front of me, that is one thing..i do like about myself. it's help to teach me alot of things that some people don't learn until they are in their late twenties/early thirties. Anyway this quote, I saw the tattoo online, because i was looking for some ideas to draw up together as a tattoo and actually saw this and fell in love with it, so decided not to change is and get this done as it was instead.  Thats something I've never done before I normally have something totally new and idividual so this for me was a huge change..  I did want the circle of life lyrics, but couldnt decide what part of them was the most important for me, I would have had to have the whole song...Then i thought of he lives in you, and equally they live in you, i thought of we are are one, i thought of the grasslands chant, i thought of shadowland i thought of every single lion king song and could not decide, and there was no way on this earth i would be able to have entire lion king lyrics plastered up my leg...(although giving half the chance, and the room and money i would.!) So instead i took this quote, which is from the lion king but also very apt to my life currently... Since maybe 2005 my life has been an up and down mess full of alot of crap and bullshit..i went though really bad depression, i self harmed, tried to commit sucide more than once, and alot of other fucked up things...BUT I decided to turn my life around and yeah i do still struggle one hell of alot and i do still have really bad days and days where i literally cry non stop, but i'm getting there because I want to get better and thanks to my friends (the true ones nonetheless, that was a hard and painful thing fiding out, although worth it..) and my wonderful girlies who i am close like sisters too, i am starting to see the light now and bring myself out of this mess i got into...(ok, i can't believe I've actually written that for people to see, but then i don't care now...i want to prove to people that things can get REALLY messed up and you CAN get out of it...you can...no matter what...thats what i now tell myself everyday.. ) So saying the past may hurt, is one hella true for me! More than actually my blog would let on, more than anyone except for one person in my life knows...but it is also very very true that you CAN learn from it...I realised the other day that all i was doing was running and hiding from things that i was afraid of..instead of looking at the past and thinking ok, that was messed up, and you know what?  Half of that was not even my fault...well instead that I'm learning to talk about it now...and learn from what happened...and i really am much happier generally because of it... :)  Oh god i just realised how long this blog is going to be....opps! 

Second reason to this tattoo, which i think is the reason i almost cried the most, and I've wrote about this group of people before, and if you look though my old stuff on here i think there are about three i wrote, and then of course theres the you tube video..! (see already, these guys influanced me one hell of alot)..THE YOUNG AMERICANS, and by this i mean majorly the 2006 cast, well, this was where i learnt what Lion king was, and i mean i learnt to look beyond the movie cartoon that i always saw before...Now this cast...they did something incredible, they performed circle of life and he lives in you to a group of 200 kids and i think about maybe 15 adults whatever i dont give a crap it's insignificant...a group of people the had only met the day before, after all loosing one of the best friends two days previous...for those who do not understand why this is so incredible for me...I want you to imagine standing in front of a crowd performing for a start...becuase i'm used to it and i still crap myself, everyone does....then i want you to imagine loosing one of the most important people in your life...ok...? Now put them together and how

do you feel? I've been there and let me tell you it hurts...like hell...I know that i kept breaking down i kept crying, and it was only the rehersals...I dont think...i could have performed in front of people...i really don't..it takes some incredible strength..life for real...They then sat, and explained how the words meant so much to them, and what with seeing their performance my who new view was there... I remember heather...i remember her so much oh my gosh, how she was sitting next to me in the circle for learning the song and she was being so supportive of me, despite the fact she was hurting more and i knew it...i just didnt know what to do apart from give hugs out....which half the time i was too scared to do anyway.. So yeah...that formed the basis of why lion king means so much to me, I mean, i guess i would have figured it out in the end and it would have ended up meaning this much..but...I've spent my childhoon, or at least most of my teenage years anyway...being able to see what lion king was really about and i am blessed for that...Everytime i do a workshop i get emotional about Lion king, everytime, it's amazing....when you watch their faces...every single year...every single YA when they perform that.....just WOW.... Then in 2009 i met this girl called Emma and i done the 'stick dance' with her...and we sat and we were talking about the meaning behind the dance...(it was to shadowlands)  and it helped me to much..it helped me to learn that everything in life is a journey, and i really that is something that has got me though the hardest times i remember Emma, i remember that. I remember that life is a journey and is gonna keep going. nothing lasts forever...ok so that can be a bad thing..but it also means that the bad things wont be there forever....Emma, thank you for that.. and then of course i then got to do the dance the year after with Judy..URHHH but really young americans +lion king= undiscribable..it really does... 

So yeah....hahahah I have just rolled up and seen how long this thing actually is!! holy cow! I want for people to read this, and i want you to take away from it the message of the tattoo i got today...and i'm also kinda hoping like my other lion king post it will help you to see the lion king in the way that i see it, and all the beautiful YA and students they taught now see it.... 

Thank you for reading (and i mean REALLLLLYYYY thank you cuz this is freakin huge!) 

PS: picture is of the finished artwork :)  SOOOOOO much love for this :) 

Germany Fall 2011

Ok, so first of all i want to say a MASSIVE thank you to all my stunning readers...nearly 60 views yesterday thank you so much that means alot! :) 
So back to the reason for this blog...I'M GOING BACK TO GERMANY next month and i am so freaking excited for it, and for this to be happening,  I really thought i would not be able to go because of money, and literally just everything sucky that is on this earth!  But then my beautiful host family who i stayed with in August said they really wanted me to go back...and that they would even pay the flights...I literally am so grateful because this something that means the world to me! Otherwise i would have to be waiting till Decemeber and for somewhere that has my heart...Germany is just too far away to be away for more than two seconds! 
So i never ever thought i would be ever doing a young american workshop again, but it turns out i might be as while i am out there, the kids aka (MY LITTLE BROTHER AND SISTER!!!!) i am staying with are doing one, and having homestays...I'm not sure though, I know i didnt really want to do one again but i also know that my beautiful german fam want me to do the workshop...so i don't know i really don't know.. 
All i know is that i am blessed to have this incredible opportunity to go back to Germany again so soon...i can't believe this is happening..the flights are booked and now all i have to do is count down the days...which is actually harder than it sounds for me!!!!

:) 

Learning to love yourself

I wanted to write a blog about a website that has impacted my life incredibly over the past few days, most of all last night, and this website is called www.operationbeautiful.com . It was set up by a wonderful and epicly inspirational woman called Caitlin a few years back ( you can see her entire story on that link above...) I first about this website though a friend of mine a couple of years ago, when i saw the name of the link, i will be honest, i thought it was something for maybe getting free plastic surgey, and that, is the onlt reason i clicked on it in the first place.. If i had known the objection of the site, i would never have bothered..simple as that...

However, when I clicked onto that link, the page was filled with something totally different to what i thought it would be, it was filled full of stories of courage and hope, woman who had come back from the brink themselves thanks to either finding and operation beautiful note somewhere or atleast writing one and in doing so helping themselves. I sat there reading this page for what must have been hours i thought the whole idea was actually amazing and really did cry my eyes out when i read some of the things other woman had been though. So much STRENGTH.

So i actually never took any of that website on board then, i literally hid away from the idea when it come to myself, what i did do however was go on alot of operation beautiful missions spreading the story everywhere i went...until last night.... 

Operation beautiful is freaking awesome and has done so well that it now has a book published, well i bought a copy of that book for a friend of mine who to me, was one of the most beautiful girls i had ever met but who at the same time didn't see herself as beautiful, and because it was cheap i got a copy to read too...well I'd lent that book to my sister and her entire family read it...the loved every single page, and then i of course had read though it doing the same...but then last night i couldn't sleep, so i got this book out again and read it, and i mean really read it, I looked between the lines, and beyond the sentences and words of the pages...I began to cry and realised that all this time i had been obsessing over my image to a point where i was killing myself, literally beating myself to death, over something that unless i'm rolling in it, I'm not gonna be able to change..so i might as well suck it up and get on with it...so from now on I've decided...that ok a may not be able to accept myself, i don't think thats ever gonna happen, but I'm not gonna let it get in the way of going out there and changing the world like i want to do anymore...

Operation beautiful is such a wonderful and amazing website and i strongly urge all my readers to read it... 

xxx

America 2012

America Trip spring 2012, barely into September and i am already freaking out and so full of general excitement, i cannot believe this is real, that this is happening and that I'm going to be seeing some of my friends i haven't seen in years...This is just perfect and i can't believe it's happening to me, i know I'll be in salt lake and Nebraska, and i know i have a long stop over in Atlanta, but there is also new york and southern California which are also possibilities :)  I am just so excited for this! I've never been to America so it's a side of culture i have not yet get to experience, it's certainly getting me on my way to being able to say i have seen to world... 
I have this wonderful friend  and i want to dedicate this blog to her because i don't think this could have been possible without her, its thanks to her that i am going to be getting to see all these places after all! So i met her wayy back in 2006, when i was doing a young American workshop, and the crazy thing about this whole thing, is that after that workshop we lost contact for a couple of years....I am SO grateful that we found each other again on facebook, or it might have been my space i can't remember, but this person..so has CHANGED me so much...so much of my life...has been impacted by what she has told me before and by reading her blog...!
I am grateful for friends like these, I really am, I am so lucky to have so many friends all over the world and by that good friends, people whom i can trust with my life...I am so excited for this, and no doubt my blog will be filled full of love and laughter when i eventually get out there :) 
I CANNOT WAIT FOR AMERICA! xx

Don't try to understand

'Walk blindly into the light and reach out for his hand, don't ask any questions and don't try to understand.'

Ok guys so this is another blog about 9/11, simply because i am crying so hard after watch the news, and seeing how a part of the tower structure has now been put up as a memorial...and to see so many people there, paying there respects to a bit of rusty metal well that broke me...many of them who lost their family members never got a body back, they never got a chance of a funeral...so for them, this is the only thing that is left...to have to sit there looking at RUSTING METAL to feel close to your lost loved one, well thats unimaginable, normally people get a chance at goodbye, even if its just the funeral.
A young woman, who i think was the artist of the piece was talking about it, and explained how it had been left exactly how it was apart from one small part which had been polished...she said that the reflection will give hope, prayer and comfort to those who need it...it will show there is always light when the light reflects upon it...and for that reason i am writing this blog...
A few months ago i wrote a blog about a dance i done  and this the song i done it too, the voice extracts in this are real, very real...ALL to real...i want you to listen to them, listen to their voices...in 5 days time, it will be time to sit in silence and pray for those who lost their lives, and i urge you to also pray for the victims left behind too....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oOW-1OwtCA

I BELIEVE LOVE IS THE ANSWER

'people were on those planes that just began their life...like children...'

LOVE WILL FIND THE WAY

'Walk blindly into the light and reach out for his hand, don't ask any questions and don't try to understand.'...for those who lost their lives i believe they just let go, trying to understand why this happened and and why someone would do such a thing is impossible...i hope you are all at peace... 

For those remaining behind who have lost loved ones, i want more than anything to hold you all and help you understand, but i cannot understand it myself, so i can't...I am sorry though, i am sorry and ashamed for this planet...I just hope you find the comfort within the loved ones you have on earth and within the memory of those departed... 

I don't know why but 9/11 is one of the world events that really has affected me big time so around this time of the year i always get emotional...and always want to write...because i hope that if it brings just one person comfort, that will be enough to help them get through the day... 

Take care, send all my readers hugs xxxx

I believe that love is the answer

'All we do is eliminate our future with things we do today'

So i was going to be writing this blog actually on September 11th and dont get me wrong I still will write a blog then, but i wanted to write another one now because i think i need to, i think it is needed just to get the message across..how much this is affecting people still...
Recently there has been many programs on TV featuring the people of whom the 9/11 attacks have affected and what hurts is that even now...ten years after that pain is still raw...there seems to be only a little (if any) healing going on there...watching people sit there, in front of that TV camera and relive what happened that day...seeing them falling apart before your eyes, The pain of remembering that thanks to that hideous day, they now have to live without their parents, children, spouse, brothers, sisters and friends....anyone...it makes no difference...the pain was etched across their face....Grown men breaking down on TV in front on millions of people just because going back to that day, brings back for them so much heart ache...SO MUCH pain....
I cannot believe still that something like this would happen to the world, and even now ten years on, i watch back on the events being replayed on my screen and i cry, it hurts my heart that people would do such things, i dont know how it can happen, and it makes me so happy that the world pulls together in times like this, however the thing that makes me so sad, is that it takes things like this for the world to pull together.
People should be able to travel by air, or bus, or train whatever, without the constant fear of terrorism..it shouldnt be an issue...since 9/11 the security at airports is retarded...with reason...but it is...that shouldnt need to be that way...there should be a trust between human beings that we can get on a plane together and go to a new world...a different culture without being blown up or drove into a building killing hundreds and thousands of people.... 
Slowly, we are taking away our future, our children's future, all because we can't be a decent human being, in years to come aviation travel will be grounded, as will boats...everything, it will be like going hundreds of years back, and we will not be able to travel anywhere, we will be stuck where we are, all because it's too much of a risk to put a plane into the sky with some of the screwed up people with have living on this planet, there is no excuse for this behaviour apart from people being sick...no excuse whatsoever...
We are throwing away our future, its about time we started taking action, it's bad enough with all the natural disasters going on on this earth without humans adding man made diasters to the mix, we should be helping each other, not adding pain, torture and hurt... 
We need to make a change...before it's too late. 

The lion king

'They live in you, 

They live in me

There watching over

Everything we see

In every creature 

In every star
In your reflection

They live in you'

Lion king thank you, thank you for giving me strength when i feel i'm loosing control, thank you for helping me to write this out in a blog instead of take it out on myself, even though i'm scared because I've never let go this much before. Thank you for changing my life....

Recently i have been feeling like total shit the entire time, and the smallest of things affect me and make me hurt more than what they technically should, and well...today i was sitting on my sofa listening to the usual adele, mumford, rascal flatts etc.... crying, crying so hard, thinking about certain people in my life that i miss...and that have passed away..when the song 'they live in you' from the lion king came on..instantly i felt like this was a connection to my heart...i looked up to the sky and said...I miss you grandad, and for the first time in my life i was able to honestly and generally feel that he was looking down upon me, saying i miss you too. 

I think that the lion king is a wonderful musical and to be looked at for a very different view to the normal 'it's a child's cartoon movie', yes it is, but it has much more depth that that, if you sit there and really listen to the lyrics, and i mean really listen, you will hear the message the entire way though drilled into you, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE..There is always someone there even when they are not their in body, you can generally know that you can look up to the sky and smile and take courage from the people, animals...whatever ANYTHING that has passed away that you once loved...It's helped me recently to understand death, I've had two serious accidents in the past few years, both of which included head injuries and one also neck and back, i am SO lucky to have come out of that alive, spesh coming out of it with the first time..a small bleed and second time whiplash and serious bruising...I could have died, technically the odds of people who have the same accidents say i should have died but yet i'm still here, and I kept thinking why that way and realised it was because of the circle of life...we are born, we live, we die, and there is nothing we can do to alter it, when it is time to be born and die they will happen it's a part of the circle of life...and what the lion king also teaches us, is to make the most of our lives...because we do have some say of the bit in the middle we can choose to LIVE, or we can choose to exist, there is a huge difference... Lion king, you made me realise today i need to stop trying to take my life for granted all the time, and i know that this is not going to change over night but maybe one little step at a time....because i am meant to be here, there must be some purpose and the circle of life will see to it all ok for me...I know it was my granddad's time to go, because his time on (this) earth was up, but, i know now there was nothing i could have done to have changed that..me being with him when he passed away would not have altered that situation, the angles in heaven needed him more than i did, and i believe that now i really do..
Lion king you really have taught me alot and i dont care how cheesy this blog sounds, i hope from reading this someone will now watch the lion king or go see the show and see the real story behind the 'child's Disney cartoon'

'Through despair and hope
Though faith and love
Till we find our way
On the path unwinding
In the circle
The circle of life' 

can we survive it out there can we make it somehow?

So guys, I wanted to write this message to you all, because it really is only starting to sink in now that the best three years of my life have finally come to an end, it's ironic really because this was the day i kept dreaming about for the past year or so, the day when i wouldnt have to go to college anymore, when i wouldnt have to be dancing from 9 right through till 6....those tuesdays fucking killed me! And now it's here and it's september and were not gonna be back together again acting like retards ...

I'll never forget any moment with any one of you, i think, they were such an important part of my life...they changed me so much as a person that i could never forget them...even the not so good ones....
-That time when we drew a little picture for Simon on his board when he went out the drama room
-Andreas the way you used to wind Sarah up in every tap lesson
- WWRY
- Um Carly and Lara tap dance..chirstmas show 2009... need i say more?
- How we ALWAYS used to get told off for eating in class and in the dance studios...
-Or turning up to our dance lessons in the wrong 'attire'
-Or turning up to Julia's lesson minus log books and outdoor shoes still on
-Or in some cases just generally not turning up at all
-KIRSTY'S 18TH!!!!!!!!!!
-Gab's laugh...fucking cheered me up no matter what was going on
-Ellie's constant smile
-Les Mis
-Bat Boy anyone?
-How we always seemed to be the class getting in the most trouble with the teachers...ALL the time...
- how there used to be arguments..stupid ones..but we always ended up in our next class joking about like idiots again
-our 'vocal warm ups'
-Frankie's stories of what he'd been up to (spesh that one up london that time)
-DR Clara...actually maybe you dont want reminding of that one!!!!!
-Our end of year dance shows
-How in the dance show this year a few of us found a box or art things and decided to start painting like 3year olds...as you do backstage...
-That time when stuart was pushed into that bookstand whatever you call it thing and it all seemed to fall apart in s.l.o.w.m.o.t.i.o.n...for those who saw it it really did go slow it was hilerious..
-When the table outside the drama studio got broken and how mad julia got (although with reason)
-The time Andreas got a little over excited in his monolouge and went backwards knocking the piano flying
-how it was always me and carly who got drunk the fastest at parties..and the most drunk actually
if you can think of anymore just add them on... !!!

But literally, you guys are all amazing, and so amazingly talented in what you do, and no matter what your gonna do now...uni, work, gap year, become a bum...whatever I'm sure you will do amazing at it, i just know that for a fact and within my heart. You're gonna be amazing....
This is it guys, the day weve been waiting for no more school, no more college...all of us are finally 18 (yay lara!!!) so offically (although we dont act it) are all adults.I don't really see this as the end at all, because this is all just the start...
Laugh often, Have fun, Learn from your mistakes but live life with no regrets 'forget regret of life is yours to miss'
You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world. ~Tom Brokaw

Thank you for the memories, the laughter and the tears, i love you all...

'It may well be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
SO MCUH OF ME
Is made of what ive learned from you
And you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart'
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnQ8N1KacJc
(thought this would be apt considering the show we done!)

.

And again the plans change...

Right so this proves how organised i am because i now yet again don't have a clue what i am going to be doing for this coming year, i mean i know for sure i will be travelling, but it wont be as much as i thought, i got very very overexcited, and with it, incredibly unrealistic...
Well i guess that new year will happen with my beautiful Kira, and then America will happen but i think Munich I'm gonna leave till next winter now..when i'm abit better and make it a Germany,England,Spain,Italy trip considering Ali will be 21 then it seems right to celebrate!!! :) And of course jazz fest and dinner theatre but that will only be for a couple of days i guess..but im blessed for that... 
I've just been sitting composing a new song today and you know that its really calmed me down, this morning was crazy and i don't know if it was because i had not slept at all of just because of everything else but i was SO SO hyper, i was bouncing, and laughing and acting literally laughing so hard i actually couldn't breathe..then within 5 minutes i was crying...i felt useless...so i decided when all else fails, like i do always, i turned to my music...I was going to dance, but i feel really faint and sick right now so that would NOT have been a good idea so instead i picked up my beautiful guitar and played that instead, after playing a little of already composed and 'out there' music, i got singing my own, so far i have the song, all except the chorus, I'm actually using a poem i wrote briefly and i have one verse in chords...I'll keep this page posted on how that song writing goes! :) xx

How do you measure a year in the life?

journey back...back to only yesterday even though it seems a long while ago for me and i wrote a blog about what i was gonna do with my future as off that moment in time, well, it turns out, none of that is gonna be happening anymore...

I went into college today (well actually yesterday I'm writing this at half five in the morning yet again cant sleep) and spoke to the guy who enrols people upon their courses that they want to study, so this was all going well until he looked at my results from previous exams and shit that i have taken, and it turned out because i had already done, passed and completed as level three course, (A-level) i didn't need to redo GCSE's even though i wanted this more than anything, as they are level two. He said by all means he could enrol me but it would be costing because i would have to pay the fees...which is literally when i lost all hope of that dream right there, spesh when he mentioned £6000 i mean what the hell for GCSE's!?!?!?! not worth my time, I'll just go do a BA at some point in my life, screw that! 

Anyway i was really down about this at first because for the past week or so i was getting it all planned out in my head, so i could feel calmer and not have to worry about my future and what i would be doing with it. I cried..i cried alot (when i got home) because i felt like a total failure, i got good grades in my mocks, but then screwed up and got very ill, had to be in hospital for six months and my results showed it..ok i didn't fail but i wasn't exactly happy...I got it into my frame of mind that i would never amount to anything and never do anything right, and maybe thats true...but just now i was sitting thinking...really thinking..and I've decided to do some travel for a year or so, as, when and if money and everything that life throws allows me to. 

I have this awesome friend called Alaina in who lives in America, and it's basically a LONG story but she has inspired me greatly, to such lengths (i will just write a blog about it later actually) whom i havn't seen in years..five, nearly six to be precise in fact, it will be about six years by the time is see her, and i have always wanted to go out to America and never had the chance so this is it :)  I'm basically gonna go to her hometown (which ive seen pictures of and fallen in love) annndddd i used to be obsessed with mary-kate and ashley, they shot one of their movies there so i really would like to visit it, and hopefully get to hang with her for a few days...that...will actually complete me...

Then i have my fantastic, crazy pro style loser twin, she's actually from Canada but will be over in Munich for a month or so in December and January so I'm gonna get to spend time with her, which i haven't done in over a year, but not before spending new year with my wonderful friend Kira whom i haven't seen in nearly a year, (and that will be over a year by the time the dates come around to go!)... 

Theeennnnnn  in May i'm back over to Germany for jazz fest with me stunning German sis Helen, before coming home for a bit and going out again to my second German family to see the young Americans dinner theatre again...and i mean, they are just the ones that i have set in stone...(in my head anyway) and they are also the ones that HAVE to happen  lol! If i have any money after then i wanna also hop on a plane to Berlin to see my friend there Katja (I LOVE HER SO MUCH) and to Spain with Hannah, maybe a girls holiday and then maybe to Jamaica to see my beautiful friend there, ooohh and photography trip to Norway or Ireland, i mean i don't know, i know not all that will happen this coming year but i want as much as possible of it to!!! Then when im not busy i want to spend all my time volunteering and working with children and old people etc....maybe do some fundraising for help the heroes or something.... I DON'T KNOW.... 

But I do know that this is something I've wanted to do for a long while, just maybe not quite so soon!! But oh well, life throws things at you and you have to learn to cope with it, when push comes to shove you generally can, i will achieve this dream and no one will take that away from me!