Dear 2012
I can't believe that we are already saying goodbye... I mean I remember this time last year getting ready to bring you into the world and now your leaving. I'm sorry we didn't make a good time of it. 2012 quite honestly has been the worst year of my life... And I didn't think that was possible after the couple of years before that. I'm am PRAYING to whoever is above that 2013 will be better.it has to get better right?
So before you go I wanted to have a little look back and speak about a few of my memories. First of all what went right? Well in February you blessed me with my little baby girl lady...you gave me the best pony a girl could ever wish for. She lifted me up, touched my soul in ways nothing else has ever done before. I am so grateful for her thank you, I can't believe it's coming up to a year for how long I've had her. ummm what else? Thank you for letting me get to experience jazz fest again that was amazing... I will never fail to love Germany. I got to experience my first time in the ever beautiful America. One of the most incredible, different, new, exciting and at the same time most scary times I've had. I got to see friends I had not soon in YEARS and that just made my life. They are all so grown up now... I can't believe it... Stef even has kids!! Thank you for letting England host the London 2012 Olympics. It made me so proud to be British, it was incredible to watch, really amazing to see our country perform something so spectacular. Thank you for all my new friends I've gained... Again for them all I am so grateful.
But, you took a lot of my friends away too didn't you? You caused alot of people to take their own life and you took people away from accident, illness and old age too.. Too much for me this year... To much for me to handle and I kinda fell apart didn't I? I wish that.. I just wish I could have enjoyed you and seen more positive times in you. Oh boy and didn't you cause alot of destruction to the planet? I've literally never seen anything like it before. I turned 20... No longer a teenager argh... I can't believe ill be 21 soon.. Anyway I wish you well I shall not forget you and I will try not to regret you. I will learn from every mistake and painful thing you taught me.
RENT taught me so much can happen in a year and I saw that alot from you.
Here's to a better 525,600 minutes to measured in LOVE.
Caio 2012.
Love Me
X
PS: I'm sorry for this not being as much like my other posts... I'm just too emotional this year... Very raw... I only came out of hospital today... Hopefully my goodbye to 2013 will be full of happiness. :)
Xx
Monday 31 December 2012
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Sandy Hook
First of all before i even start i want to say sorry yet again for being so crap at keeping this thing updated, I've just been very ill recently to the point where i have had to go to the hospital twice and had to stay in too. I urgently wanted to write this blog the day that it happened but i was in so much shock. I was crying a lot, was fuming and quite honestly i didn't know all the facts then...I wanted to be able to write a good dedication without getting anything wrong.
December 14, 2012... Adam Lanza fatally shot twenty children and six staff at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.
One person, that single handedly took 26 innocent lives...lives of people that had a future, that had family and friends that loved them beyond compare. Children no older than seven, children who were meant to have their whole lives ahead of them now lie dead...that whole future taken away by one evil sadistic barstard. Children that could have inspired the world to give up war, stand for world peace and children that could have found the cure to cancers. Gone. Just like that. Mothers etc left without their child..no mother should have to live to see their child die..no one should have to feel that heartbreak. especially in the cold blood of an evil killer... Parents sent their children to school that morning without a thought to what was going to happen, with no idea whatsoever that that would be the last time they ever got to see their child alive. Imagine that? Imagine how awful that must be. To lose your child without even getting a chance of goodbye
December 14, 2012... Adam Lanza fatally shot twenty children and six staff at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.
One person, that single handedly took 26 innocent lives...lives of people that had a future, that had family and friends that loved them beyond compare. Children no older than seven, children who were meant to have their whole lives ahead of them now lie dead...that whole future taken away by one evil sadistic barstard. Children that could have inspired the world to give up war, stand for world peace and children that could have found the cure to cancers. Gone. Just like that. Mothers etc left without their child..no mother should have to live to see their child die..no one should have to feel that heartbreak. especially in the cold blood of an evil killer... Parents sent their children to school that morning without a thought to what was going to happen, with no idea whatsoever that that would be the last time they ever got to see their child alive. Imagine that? Imagine how awful that must be. To lose your child without even getting a chance of goodbye
- Charlotte Bacon, 6
- Daniel Barden, 7
- Olivia Engel, 6
- Josephine Gay, 7
- Dylan Hockley, 6
- Madeline Hsu, 6
- Catherine Hubbard, 6
- Chase Kowalski, 7
- Jesse Lewis, 6
- Ana Marquez-Greene,6
- James Mattioli, 6
- Grace McDonnell, 6
- Emilie Parker, 6
- Jack Pinto, 6
- Noah Pozner, 6
- Caroline Previdi, 6
- Jessica Rekos, 6
- Avielle Richman, 6
- Benjamin Wheeler, 6
- Allison Wyatt 6
Teachers having to throw themselves before children knowing that this was it...that they wouldn't be coming out, just because their compassion for their job and their love of children is so strong...so strong, they would rather die than let a single child in their care die. They to went to work that morning not knowing what they day would bring of course, but never ever could they have imagined this... so why on earth would they have bothered making sure to say goodbye to all their loved ones..? Their was no point they would be seeing them again that afternoon right? Wrong. Adam took the life of six members of staff that that day. He took away hopes, dreams and futures...With killing the 26 people he did, he destroyed the life of many and broke a million hearts.
- Rachel D'Avino,
- Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung,
- Anne Marie Murphy,
- Lauren Rousseau,
- Mary Sherlach,
- Victoria Soto
No one has the right to take lives away...no one. The only person fit to judge that in any way shape or form is God. This one event has left the world reeling. All messages of prayers and hope being sent to the families and victims of this terrible massacre. There are enough people dying every day so why on earth kill people just for the sake it? most of all when there is children that young involved. It actually makes me feel sick... i feel ill when i think that someone could do that.
I just pray that all the dead are safe and well in heaven now, that they didn't try to understand...because how could one ever understand? i hope they just went towards the light with courage in their heart...I can't think of anyone who deserves to be at peace finally than names listed above. I hope they are safe, i hope they are happy. I hope they are whole again and no longer in any pain. For the people left on the earth i hope they find solace in whatever they can find to keep them strong. Be it memories, God, family and friends anything, i know that its going to be impossible to get over, but i hope they find inner peace to a point where they can live their lives again for their loved ones that were lost. I hope the poor children and staff who had to witness their friends dying around them find the strength to carry on...and live though the trauma that has been put upon them.
This world needs to change and for the better, sooner rather than later.
(in loving memory of all this lost in the Sandy Hook Elementary School attacks.)
Monday 3 December 2012
Travel on a jet plane...far away
more than anything right now i want to be on a jet plane travelling as far away as possible from england and this place I'm living in, i wanna see the world, experience different cultures.. i don't want to be sitting in one place for the rest of my life. I hate not being out of the country for a while it literally drives me insane. i am honestly a person who could sleep anywhere and live in a suitcase...i would LOVE to get on a random plane not even knowing where I'm going and just explore because thats one of my dreams. Having to get to know the country and the language or getting seriously messed up. This year i was blessed to have gone back to my second home for a long weekend (DEUTSCHLAND) and spend time with my sister there at a jazz festival and ok, normally i spend a lot more time in Germany every year so I'm pretty sad that that was it but it happened. Then i was home for a little while and got to spend two weeks in the beautiful USA (my third home) seeing friends in Utah, Michigan and Nebraska...possibly one of the most amazing trips for me. i want to be there again i want to be away from what I'm meant to call home, this will never be home for me. 2013 bring me new places please.
Sunday 2 December 2012
That time of the year...
I'm pretty upset right now and it's funny because the first place i have come to is my blog. The one place where i can say what i want (well most of it) without giving a crap about getting judged. My mom is currently downstairs putting up the christmas tree and i have HAD to take myself away from the situation because with every decoration going up i was reminded of what i didn't have anymore that made christmas real. My granddad. My family are not exactly religious so i don't understand the need to celebrate it now the fact my brother and i are both over 18. All I'm getting from my mom is 'come on this was g'dads favourite time of the year, make the most of it but i can't i just can't. To me now, christmas in my house seems to be about buying presents and receiving presents and of course the general pigging out on shit loads of complete crap which will only make you 10 stone heavier. Ok i admit i like giving a lot, but then i do that 24/7 though out the year, i don't need christmas to be able to do that it's so stupid, i also like the pigging out apart...ok....maybe that bits fun...but working off the extra calories in the new year drives me insane!
Anyway, when i was younger christmas was MAGICAL and i mean..amazing..my granddad used to hide bells in his pockets all the time and ring them so my brother and I thought Santa was flying above checking we were all behaving..i used to sit by the window with my little faced pressed up against the glass trying to find Santa in the sky. On christmas day my gramps would come into my room, whisper in my ear 'santa's been' then pick me up and give my a fireman's lift down the stairs leaving me in a heap, historically laughing in the middle of my presents. He then took the job of putting everything together or putting batteries in the would have a great time playing with mine and my brothers toys with us with always the excuse 'i'm just checking there working'
This time pf year now, i just i just want to hibernate in my room and never leave...if it were not for my horse, then knowing in me i would do that.... my horse is an amazing source of strength for me.
Oh christmas tree the memories you bring ....
update
Been a while since I posted so i wanna give you all an update. First of all I'm sorry for not getting on recently...i've only just started seeing a new doctor in the past few weeks and i guess that has taken a lot out of me...when I've been home I've just wanted to sleep or cry. I will get there though so no one worry about me I'm fine! My therapy is harder than anything I've ever done before and its scaring me to death even after two weeks that imma have a another 3 months of this left. But i don't know. I have a huge feeling this WILL get me somewhere if i stick with it so it's worth the battle and fight. What i want more than anything is to be able to live a normal life and if that means three months of hell to pay then i think I'm ok with that..getting it out...making a way for a new me for my 21st :) YAY
Saturday 17 November 2012
Lattes and best friends
If anywhere can get me in this Christmassy mood then it's Starbucks :) red cup and Christmas drink time wooooo!!!! 
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Imagine one day....
I'm happy i got back into my blogging it's like...already been such a release for me over the past couple of days that its unreal. Here we go back to the 100 posts a month thing i had going on last year and earlier this year.
What this blog is about, is kinda the stuff i wanted to add in my remembrance sunday blog, but i don't know. I feel that it was better to maybe put something like this into a different blog as there leaves more respect for the fallen that way.
So i know some people are gonna read this and think that i'm trying to say we shouldnt go to war and have an army etc... but i would like to stress now that is not what i'm saying. In fact that couldnt be any further from the truth. The purpose of this blog is me trying to understand why we should have the need for army's and war etc.... as in, why can't this world just be a peaceful place to live?
One of my biggest celebrity inspirations has to be John Lennon, i literally have his book...which to me is like another bible...i see him as god...i practise everything he preaches...to me he is my idol...he died for peace too and he stood up for everything he believed in regardless of what others thought of that.
'Imagine theres no countries..is isnt hard to do, nothing to kill or die for and no religion too'
Actually imagine that, a world where there is not need to kill... a world where there is no need to sacrifice your own life fighting for you country...fighting to bring peace to the world. Wouldnt that be beautiful? Imagine living in a world where the only killings are what need to be made..for example, animals in the wild, for food, in the case of euthanasia... killing only to survive or to put an animal at peace... the humane way. Imagine one year on Remembrance sunday being able to to look back at the fallen and the ones who put their lives at risk to give us a chance at peace with the knowledge that finally it worked, peace has been achieved and there is no more war or dying..wouldnt that make such a perfect world.
What this blog is about, is kinda the stuff i wanted to add in my remembrance sunday blog, but i don't know. I feel that it was better to maybe put something like this into a different blog as there leaves more respect for the fallen that way.
So i know some people are gonna read this and think that i'm trying to say we shouldnt go to war and have an army etc... but i would like to stress now that is not what i'm saying. In fact that couldnt be any further from the truth. The purpose of this blog is me trying to understand why we should have the need for army's and war etc.... as in, why can't this world just be a peaceful place to live?
One of my biggest celebrity inspirations has to be John Lennon, i literally have his book...which to me is like another bible...i see him as god...i practise everything he preaches...to me he is my idol...he died for peace too and he stood up for everything he believed in regardless of what others thought of that.
'Imagine theres no countries..is isnt hard to do, nothing to kill or die for and no religion too'
Actually imagine that, a world where there is not need to kill... a world where there is no need to sacrifice your own life fighting for you country...fighting to bring peace to the world. Wouldnt that be beautiful? Imagine living in a world where the only killings are what need to be made..for example, animals in the wild, for food, in the case of euthanasia... killing only to survive or to put an animal at peace... the humane way. Imagine one year on Remembrance sunday being able to to look back at the fallen and the ones who put their lives at risk to give us a chance at peace with the knowledge that finally it worked, peace has been achieved and there is no more war or dying..wouldnt that make such a perfect world.
Life sucks sometimes
Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I mean...everything that could go wrong went wrong...I know my blog is normally about giving others advice and helping others out but just this once i need the advice...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love dying? I would think most of you do... and if not your very lucky.Well my nan is a severe sufferer of COPD, i know what that stands for but i can't for the life of me spell it, i guess you can google it if it matters that much. Anyway it basically means her lungs are messed up..big time...this is the one step away from being on oxygen for the rest of her life...Her doctor told her when she was diagnosed a few years back that she had to stop smoking, because now...a cigarette will not just cut an hour or whatever it normally is off her life, it could be cutting days, weeks, months who knows?...Well she has been swearing on my life that she has stopped smoking, she has promised me...hurled abuse at me when i ask her, treated me like scum...and everytime it's always the same thing... 'IM NOT SMOKING JUST SHUT UP' and everytime i find more on her and somehow...'she's not smoking them either' I know smoking is an addiction an i know all to well with my self harm what an addiction feels like, but shes not even trying and its got to a point where i can't deal with it anymore. I said that to her i said i couldnt deal with the upset of finding them on her all the time and the hurt knowing she had swore on my life i lied...the fact she didnt care about anyone else in the family but herself (she even promised my grandad and her husband on his dying bed she would quit)..so she accused me of hating her etc...i turned round and shouted back at her it's not anything but the fact i want you to STOP with the smoking and she flipped and said 'THATS IT IM MOVING OUT YOU DONT WANT ME IF I JUST FUCK OFF FROM YOUR LIFE....' and it made me worse, i was hysterical...i'm not even going to say what happened next because i dropped to one of my low points and ended up doing something silly to myself to try and get her to see how much she was hurting me...that just started more fights. I also found out that my 'brother' (I'll explain in a sec), has known shes been smoking this whole time but does not give a shit about her and lets her kill herself just because he gets fags out it...no for people who think i'm being paranoid i can't be because my mother wouldnt deny thats what he's doing when i mentioned it to her... What do i do? What the heck am i to do? My nan is like another mother to me and i cant deal with this, i really just cannot deal with all of this.... What am i to say to her|? because i've swore to cut my wrists to pieces if i see her smoking before, ive done it in front of her...and she didnt care...ive threatened her, blackmailed her, tried to be nice, screamed at her..nothing...I am going to end up killing myself at this rate just to get away from it all...I can't deal with it...
So for the first time ever i'm asking YOU guys... what do i do?
Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love dying? I would think most of you do... and if not your very lucky.Well my nan is a severe sufferer of COPD, i know what that stands for but i can't for the life of me spell it, i guess you can google it if it matters that much. Anyway it basically means her lungs are messed up..big time...this is the one step away from being on oxygen for the rest of her life...Her doctor told her when she was diagnosed a few years back that she had to stop smoking, because now...a cigarette will not just cut an hour or whatever it normally is off her life, it could be cutting days, weeks, months who knows?...Well she has been swearing on my life that she has stopped smoking, she has promised me...hurled abuse at me when i ask her, treated me like scum...and everytime it's always the same thing... 'IM NOT SMOKING JUST SHUT UP' and everytime i find more on her and somehow...'she's not smoking them either' I know smoking is an addiction an i know all to well with my self harm what an addiction feels like, but shes not even trying and its got to a point where i can't deal with it anymore. I said that to her i said i couldnt deal with the upset of finding them on her all the time and the hurt knowing she had swore on my life i lied...the fact she didnt care about anyone else in the family but herself (she even promised my grandad and her husband on his dying bed she would quit)..so she accused me of hating her etc...i turned round and shouted back at her it's not anything but the fact i want you to STOP with the smoking and she flipped and said 'THATS IT IM MOVING OUT YOU DONT WANT ME IF I JUST FUCK OFF FROM YOUR LIFE....' and it made me worse, i was hysterical...i'm not even going to say what happened next because i dropped to one of my low points and ended up doing something silly to myself to try and get her to see how much she was hurting me...that just started more fights. I also found out that my 'brother' (I'll explain in a sec), has known shes been smoking this whole time but does not give a shit about her and lets her kill herself just because he gets fags out it...no for people who think i'm being paranoid i can't be because my mother wouldnt deny thats what he's doing when i mentioned it to her... What do i do? What the heck am i to do? My nan is like another mother to me and i cant deal with this, i really just cannot deal with all of this.... What am i to say to her|? because i've swore to cut my wrists to pieces if i see her smoking before, ive done it in front of her...and she didnt care...ive threatened her, blackmailed her, tried to be nice, screamed at her..nothing...I am going to end up killing myself at this rate just to get away from it all...I can't deal with it...
So for the first time ever i'm asking YOU guys... what do i do?
Monday 12 November 2012
drunken memories....
ALWAYS makes me laugh...
i'm in there somewhere although you can only see my knee
one of the drunkest times EVER
I miss my girls
i'm in there somewhere although you can only see my knee
one of the drunkest times EVER
I miss my girls
11.11 least we forget
'In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.'
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.'
I can't believe i have only just got around to writing this blog and even more so i cant believe that i nearly didnt manage to get it done at all today. 11.11. You need to have a hard and cold heart not to be moved on this day....
Today is the day that we honour our fallen 'least we forget' for without them we would not be here, there would not be a country there wouldnt be anything, they; with almightly courage stood on the front line and looked death in the eye. The stood for all of us, they stood for HOPE, COURAGE, LOVE, PEACE... we are to be enternally grateful.
I hope that the fallen can stand next to God with their heads held high with pride, just like the soldiers coming back from war. For they may not be there in the pshyical world...but instead did pay the highest of all prices. This is actually something i get all emotional writing about and then i start getting angry that theres a need for war and fighting in the first place.
All soldiers whenever they battled, even the ones on the front line right now... the ones God couldnt save, the saved and the wounded...our country salutes you. THANK YOU for giving us a world to raise our children in, for teaching lives purpose at the expense of your own. There is no one at all braver than you and not enough recognition is given for all the fallen... Hopefully that will change now...i hope that will change.
You will never be forgotten, you will live on in our heart, lives and everything we see feel and touch for the rest of our lives.
You are the wind, you are the rain, You are the sun... with a newborn babies cry we will thank god for you and thank you for letting this beautiful person come onto the earth.
You are the ultimate ...
Sunday 11 November 2012
Pro Style Loser
If i get anything done in the next couple of years then its gonna be to fly to Canada and spend a week getting completly wasted with my canadian BFF/ loser twin/sister/ bitch.
Haven't seen her since 2010 when we were in munich together...!
FRIENDSHIP this girl is one of my number one, all time besties..
Words cannot describe the things we have talked about/planned for the future/then worryingly gone and done/roadtrips to Italy/ boyfriends/bitches/ growing up.... everything...
Who wants to buy me a one way ticket?
Haven't seen her since 2010 when we were in munich together...!
FRIENDSHIP this girl is one of my number one, all time besties..
Words cannot describe the things we have talked about/planned for the future/then worryingly gone and done/roadtrips to Italy/ boyfriends/bitches/ growing up.... everything...
Who wants to buy me a one way ticket?
Trust Issues
(dedicated to Sarah)
Trust is something ive never really had, or at least if i do trust someone it takes a long time for me to get to that stage. Then the slightest little thing with me will break that trust..literally the smallest thing..just like breaking a tiny promise, because of things that happened in the past, i've been let down by some people who were meant to be the ones looking after me and caring for me. I just don't trust... i love the concept of trust and its meaning i think its beautiful but i just can't do it for myself.
Trust is something i have always found complicated.
So this blog, i wanted to write just to dedicate to a friend of mine as she is honest to god one of the most supportive women i have ever met in my entire life. I have a deep loathing of myself and trust me when i say she is pretty much perfection...you don't get better than her, i would bet my life on that... I may have taken performing arts in college but ive never been confident at it, which is why i had to give it up..i was ok in a group but put me up there on my own and i would freak. I dont like singing/dancing/making/doing anything on my own for anyone because literally it makes me feel so ashamed of myself that its unreal. Like the only way normally you would get me to do a solo would to be to drag me kicking and screaming and then i would stand and be like 'dude i dont wanna do it'. For the past 6 years i have taken YA workshops as many of you know...or should know should be the word...i go on about the EUfall2010 and UK2006 cast pretty much in every blog i write...(I've just realised that Sarah was not on either of them tours and am now laughing to myself about the fact im going on about Sarah) Ok im confused...i really dont know am i talking about Young Americans or what? Urghhh...MUST.GET.SOME.SLEEP.SOON.
Start again ignore my random ramble... right...anyway every year when i have taken YA workshops i have either taken them barefoot or in my jazz or ballet shoes because to me they are just like a second skin anyway i love them. There is this part called 'dance circle' and the ask people to come in and dance for 8 counts...i refused point blank every year and even tried the whole 'oh im not a dancer these just belong to my friend'...that didnt get me anywhere. But i still REFUSED to even try. In 2010 i travelled up to Grantham to take a workshop there, and at dance circle Roshni dragged me backstage and was like 'IVE KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE 5 YEARS SO DONT YOU TELL ME YOU CANT DANCE JUST GO OUT THERE AND TAP OR SOMETHING!!!' (The YA do not talk like that i promise they are incredible..its just the fact Rosh and I were friends before the YA days) and then she put me on the the dance floor and refused to let me move until i done something...so i basically flipped my feet about doing basic tap stuff being all cocky like 'heheheheh i wont get picked after that SHIT' oh i did...whoever decided to do that in the first place...well....im still mad! Like i said before, put me on a stage with 5 other people and i can go out there and own it...i'll bust it out till i'm dying...teach me some more complicated tap routine in half hour and ill perform it better than 30 seconds of something i already know on my own...Well everytime my mind went blank, when i say i threw my feet...i did..i didnt want to be there, i wasnt happy, i was mad at roshni...i didnt tap..what i done wasnt tap but i STILL heard Sarah saying 'COME ON VIKKIE' and telling me 'THAT WAS AWESOME' even though i knew it was shit and in the actual show...i was SO scared so scared, I looked at Sarah and she mouthed the words 'i love you' and i actually done about 3/4 steps which i didnt manage before before i was like 'crap' and went back to normal...then with all the noise i heard her should 'I LOVE YOU VIKKIE' it gave me strength so much strength... Even then, she was the only one i trusted after id been picked...she was the one who honestly stopped me from having a mental breakdown on the stage.
Well ok thats one small example and its taken me ages this blog is going to be so LONG i'm sorry.!!!
The main thing there is something i have ALWAYS wanted to do for her for christmas or her birthday and even though i knew her and KNEW she was this incredible person i was too scared to send it to her because of being judged.. (basically im making something for her) Like i said to me Sarah is perfect, i would run though loads of different stories in my head of what would happen when she got it...none of them were good, some were awful. Recently over the year i have got closer to this wonderful girl... it's been me, pretty much letting my walls down and letting her in, it's me being honest with her and not being a total bitch... It's me thinking about my actions affect her...I used to say stuff..I didnt realise how much that made her sad...i didnt realise when she saw my arms that it upset her, i couldnt see that...and i think getting close was just accepting shes a human being too... I also use to think of her as one of these stereotypical american girls (omg i sound so bad) from the movies who are oh so pretty and the damn well know it, popular, rich, talented, had everything but at the same time was are complete bitches to anyone who is not in their little circle...like nice to your face but behind your back forget it. It took me a LONG while to realise that Sarah could be all of the amazing things and at the same time that heart that beautiful beautiful heart she always gave to every person she met could be there all the time to. Well anyway im currently in the middle of making that gift for her to send this christmas ive planned out so many bits its taken me since june/july time.. but hopefully ill be done soon :) For the first time ever I'm listening to her and my heart not my head and the stupid things that tells me...it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life..ive cried so much, been SO SO SO scared when ive had to do things to help make the book....i honestly just wanted to put this on here to show that im well trying...im really trying...
Like i am nervous still, i will most likely panic...but im trusting her...im trusting her....
This is the first time in my life i have trusted someone so much so im like..... 'eeeeeeekkkkkkk' .
Never be afraid to let down walls...be careful and choose carefully who you let in, but once you let a decent friend in... not only can you get a better friendship, but also the confidence within yourself to try new things...You get love..i feel like i have a purpose. It's ok, just think long and hard about who you allow into your heart. k? :)
Trust is something ive never really had, or at least if i do trust someone it takes a long time for me to get to that stage. Then the slightest little thing with me will break that trust..literally the smallest thing..just like breaking a tiny promise, because of things that happened in the past, i've been let down by some people who were meant to be the ones looking after me and caring for me. I just don't trust... i love the concept of trust and its meaning i think its beautiful but i just can't do it for myself.
Trust is something i have always found complicated.
So this blog, i wanted to write just to dedicate to a friend of mine as she is honest to god one of the most supportive women i have ever met in my entire life. I have a deep loathing of myself and trust me when i say she is pretty much perfection...you don't get better than her, i would bet my life on that... I may have taken performing arts in college but ive never been confident at it, which is why i had to give it up..i was ok in a group but put me up there on my own and i would freak. I dont like singing/dancing/making/doing anything on my own for anyone because literally it makes me feel so ashamed of myself that its unreal. Like the only way normally you would get me to do a solo would to be to drag me kicking and screaming and then i would stand and be like 'dude i dont wanna do it'. For the past 6 years i have taken YA workshops as many of you know...or should know should be the word...i go on about the EUfall2010 and UK2006 cast pretty much in every blog i write...(I've just realised that Sarah was not on either of them tours and am now laughing to myself about the fact im going on about Sarah) Ok im confused...i really dont know am i talking about Young Americans or what? Urghhh...MUST.GET.SOME.SLEEP.SOON.
Start again ignore my random ramble... right...anyway every year when i have taken YA workshops i have either taken them barefoot or in my jazz or ballet shoes because to me they are just like a second skin anyway i love them. There is this part called 'dance circle' and the ask people to come in and dance for 8 counts...i refused point blank every year and even tried the whole 'oh im not a dancer these just belong to my friend'...that didnt get me anywhere. But i still REFUSED to even try. In 2010 i travelled up to Grantham to take a workshop there, and at dance circle Roshni dragged me backstage and was like 'IVE KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE 5 YEARS SO DONT YOU TELL ME YOU CANT DANCE JUST GO OUT THERE AND TAP OR SOMETHING!!!' (The YA do not talk like that i promise they are incredible..its just the fact Rosh and I were friends before the YA days) and then she put me on the the dance floor and refused to let me move until i done something...so i basically flipped my feet about doing basic tap stuff being all cocky like 'heheheheh i wont get picked after that SHIT' oh i did...whoever decided to do that in the first place...well....im still mad! Like i said before, put me on a stage with 5 other people and i can go out there and own it...i'll bust it out till i'm dying...teach me some more complicated tap routine in half hour and ill perform it better than 30 seconds of something i already know on my own...Well everytime my mind went blank, when i say i threw my feet...i did..i didnt want to be there, i wasnt happy, i was mad at roshni...i didnt tap..what i done wasnt tap but i STILL heard Sarah saying 'COME ON VIKKIE' and telling me 'THAT WAS AWESOME' even though i knew it was shit and in the actual show...i was SO scared so scared, I looked at Sarah and she mouthed the words 'i love you' and i actually done about 3/4 steps which i didnt manage before before i was like 'crap' and went back to normal...then with all the noise i heard her should 'I LOVE YOU VIKKIE' it gave me strength so much strength... Even then, she was the only one i trusted after id been picked...she was the one who honestly stopped me from having a mental breakdown on the stage.
Well ok thats one small example and its taken me ages this blog is going to be so LONG i'm sorry.!!!
The main thing there is something i have ALWAYS wanted to do for her for christmas or her birthday and even though i knew her and KNEW she was this incredible person i was too scared to send it to her because of being judged.. (basically im making something for her) Like i said to me Sarah is perfect, i would run though loads of different stories in my head of what would happen when she got it...none of them were good, some were awful. Recently over the year i have got closer to this wonderful girl... it's been me, pretty much letting my walls down and letting her in, it's me being honest with her and not being a total bitch... It's me thinking about my actions affect her...I used to say stuff..I didnt realise how much that made her sad...i didnt realise when she saw my arms that it upset her, i couldnt see that...and i think getting close was just accepting shes a human being too... I also use to think of her as one of these stereotypical american girls (omg i sound so bad) from the movies who are oh so pretty and the damn well know it, popular, rich, talented, had everything but at the same time was are complete bitches to anyone who is not in their little circle...like nice to your face but behind your back forget it. It took me a LONG while to realise that Sarah could be all of the amazing things and at the same time that heart that beautiful beautiful heart she always gave to every person she met could be there all the time to. Well anyway im currently in the middle of making that gift for her to send this christmas ive planned out so many bits its taken me since june/july time.. but hopefully ill be done soon :) For the first time ever I'm listening to her and my heart not my head and the stupid things that tells me...it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life..ive cried so much, been SO SO SO scared when ive had to do things to help make the book....i honestly just wanted to put this on here to show that im well trying...im really trying...
Like i am nervous still, i will most likely panic...but im trusting her...im trusting her....
This is the first time in my life i have trusted someone so much so im like..... 'eeeeeeekkkkkkk' .
Never be afraid to let down walls...be careful and choose carefully who you let in, but once you let a decent friend in... not only can you get a better friendship, but also the confidence within yourself to try new things...You get love..i feel like i have a purpose. It's ok, just think long and hard about who you allow into your heart. k? :)
Monday 5 November 2012
Wings To Fly
Depression for me is much like being trapped behind a huge ugly fence and birds...they really do represent freedom for me, so i think this photo, was just profound in many ways.
From this you can learn so much aboout over coming things.... This photo/edit is truly wonderful, basic but wonderful. For anyone struggling i would like you to download this photo from here and put it as your desktop picture, or at least look at it everyday.;...let it remind you that from fear and from hurt can come freedom and peace...You can make peace with anything and that includes being able to make peace with yourself if you just let go to everything holding you back/
MONSTER BALL
Very late post but wanted to share a few pictures from the Monster ball i went to for hallowen at the slug and lettuce in brentwood.
Starting the night off with trick or treat shots in the famous sugar hut...(that if you watch the only way is essex) basically i awful tasting one and one nice tasting one. thankfully i got the nice one yayay :) Was not complaining!
Then monster ball... as there were about 10 of us we all paid towards getting the V.I.P area which actually more than made up for its money with the free samples of shots etc that we were getting! There was also a £50 bar tab for best costume that night which we won too so that provided quite alot of the drink that night, add that to the fact cocktails were 2 4 1 it was an incredible night. Would definatly pay for V.I.P suite again, private, big and definatly worth the money!
Thank you sugar hut and slug for such a perfect night!
Thursday 1 November 2012
Oh Sandy..
Recently its been all over the news about the USA and Canada being hit by the hurrrincane and tropical storm that combined have realeased devestation all over. (Not forgetting places like Haiti and Jamaica who have also took the brunt, i think its important we dont forget about them, after 'We are the world' after all. I have friends is Jamaica and i really crapped myself for a long while, it caused alot of tears. Thankfully it looks like its not hit too badly there.
Well America and Canada, are two countries where i have alot of friends...say east coast to me and i will list off alot of names of people whom i am friends with....now i have friends from FL up though NC, PA, NJ, NY and ME not including the friends i have in Canada and i can honestly sat that at least 5 or 6 of them i see as my family we are so close...so upon hearing what was gonna happen i went into major panic attack mode...everyones seen these films like the day after tomorrow and all i kept thinking was 'what if?'. My friends were acting differently to the news, some were like, 'okay well this is happening lets just do what we are told', others were like 'im not moving im waiting this shit out' (they were the idiots i was most worried about) and then i had friends phoning, messaging, texting, skyping me in tears saying they loved me and i should never forget it. One that will always stick in my mind, my friend Ali, literally like ive known her years and shes one of my best friends i have crazy fun with her all the time...MUNICH 2010!!! we spent the whole time tanning, drinking and partying :) but she sent me one saying
'oh god oh fucking god its so bad you cant even see, I love you you gotta remember that no matter what, no matter what ok...ive never seen anything like this before.'
This girl was left generally thinking she was going to die, and trust me when i say i know her too well, and thats not Ali, shes practically fearless and and will stick her middle finger up to everything that life throws at her...and this time...it scared me, spesh when she sent me pictures....she was watching her next door neighbours car flip over etc....it was insane...
I know on the day the hurricane i was said to hit the coast of new york i was up all night with a million different things around me all on different news websites tracking what was going on...I was in tears, most of all when i heard 'Sandy has claimed the life of a fire fighter after a tree falling on his truck' first death... that got me big time....i dont think ive cried as much over the past few days than i have in a long time. I was so scared seeing everything play out, seeing buildings burn to the ground....homes getting smothered in sea water, subways getting flooded the death toll rising at a steady rate. It broke my heart, i know i'm not american and i know my upset and fear is times a billion for the people out there but i have so many friends out there and i feel at home in America, i love the culture, the people...i love my time...every second of it spent there...it really is my home.
When i saw the photos the next day of Americans waking up to what had been left behind...even i was shocked, seriously, Ive never seen America like that, and i know im only in my 20's but then when people 70 were saying the same...
I dont want to put pictures on here because its not about that now...its not about that...its about rebuilding, its about helping people standing again, bringing people comfort and peace be they dead or alive....its about faith...its about America standing strong as a country, and the world standing strong with them...One of the first things that came to my head was...this looks even worse than 9/11...that i think made ME worse emotionally, but then i also remembered how well americans stood together then...and after crying i felt hope in my heart, hope that i had never felt before.
I think that now...well we cant do anything to change the past...or the future...i think god writes the plans and he is the only one who has the power to change things like that... I just pray that the dead are all found and can be put to rest properly and i hope all living are found, given comfort, protection and the care they need to recover.
God bless America.
Well America and Canada, are two countries where i have alot of friends...say east coast to me and i will list off alot of names of people whom i am friends with....now i have friends from FL up though NC, PA, NJ, NY and ME not including the friends i have in Canada and i can honestly sat that at least 5 or 6 of them i see as my family we are so close...so upon hearing what was gonna happen i went into major panic attack mode...everyones seen these films like the day after tomorrow and all i kept thinking was 'what if?'. My friends were acting differently to the news, some were like, 'okay well this is happening lets just do what we are told', others were like 'im not moving im waiting this shit out' (they were the idiots i was most worried about) and then i had friends phoning, messaging, texting, skyping me in tears saying they loved me and i should never forget it. One that will always stick in my mind, my friend Ali, literally like ive known her years and shes one of my best friends i have crazy fun with her all the time...MUNICH 2010!!! we spent the whole time tanning, drinking and partying :) but she sent me one saying
'oh god oh fucking god its so bad you cant even see, I love you you gotta remember that no matter what, no matter what ok...ive never seen anything like this before.'
This girl was left generally thinking she was going to die, and trust me when i say i know her too well, and thats not Ali, shes practically fearless and and will stick her middle finger up to everything that life throws at her...and this time...it scared me, spesh when she sent me pictures....she was watching her next door neighbours car flip over etc....it was insane...
I know on the day the hurricane i was said to hit the coast of new york i was up all night with a million different things around me all on different news websites tracking what was going on...I was in tears, most of all when i heard 'Sandy has claimed the life of a fire fighter after a tree falling on his truck' first death... that got me big time....i dont think ive cried as much over the past few days than i have in a long time. I was so scared seeing everything play out, seeing buildings burn to the ground....homes getting smothered in sea water, subways getting flooded the death toll rising at a steady rate. It broke my heart, i know i'm not american and i know my upset and fear is times a billion for the people out there but i have so many friends out there and i feel at home in America, i love the culture, the people...i love my time...every second of it spent there...it really is my home.
When i saw the photos the next day of Americans waking up to what had been left behind...even i was shocked, seriously, Ive never seen America like that, and i know im only in my 20's but then when people 70 were saying the same...
I dont want to put pictures on here because its not about that now...its not about that...its about rebuilding, its about helping people standing again, bringing people comfort and peace be they dead or alive....its about faith...its about America standing strong as a country, and the world standing strong with them...One of the first things that came to my head was...this looks even worse than 9/11...that i think made ME worse emotionally, but then i also remembered how well americans stood together then...and after crying i felt hope in my heart, hope that i had never felt before.
I think that now...well we cant do anything to change the past...or the future...i think god writes the plans and he is the only one who has the power to change things like that... I just pray that the dead are all found and can be put to rest properly and i hope all living are found, given comfort, protection and the care they need to recover.
God bless America.
Wednesday 31 October 2012
Things are a changing
So im gonna change my blog again! I REALLY wanted a change this time, i wanna start over and update regular etc...no more negative or pointless posts...just ones to inspire and move people into change....
I did decide upon making a new blog but now im just going to keep this one and edit it...that way everything ive written before is still there, and of course all of you guys know where to find me...
( thanks for the support btw, i love that you all love what i write so much it means so much to me!)
So give me say a few hours?!?
Thank you for over 15,000 readers :) xxxxxx
I did decide upon making a new blog but now im just going to keep this one and edit it...that way everything ive written before is still there, and of course all of you guys know where to find me...
( thanks for the support btw, i love that you all love what i write so much it means so much to me!)
So give me say a few hours?!?
Thank you for over 15,000 readers :) xxxxxx
Sunday 16 September 2012
And leave nothing less...
You will notice me
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see
Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here
I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long
Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see
Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here
I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long
Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place
9/11 dedication
Ok I know this is late I've had a lot of problems over the past week, like one hell of a lot so I really have not had a chance to get on.
This is my finished project of tattoo number 14 in dedication to America, those who lost their lives and those were affected, so, if you were affected in anyway this ink is for you too.
I wasn't going to add a picture on here because my legs are hideously fat and ugly and should quite honestly die... But I thought that there's not really a point if I'm not going to actually let the people it's for see it.
I'm gonna explain the reason i got this tattoo done because I think that's important, most of all because I'm English and I bet most of you are thinking why on earth would you have that!!!
Well number one even though I was young, I still remember where I was EXACTLY when I first heard... I still remember exactly what was said, exactly how I felt... My heart..was broken into a 1000 little pieces, before that I'd never ever felt that emotion, as a kid I'd learnt to really harden my heart so for something to affect me.. Well...it had to go one, you could have walked over stabbed my in the heart and it would not have emotionally hurt me as much as the 9/11 did that day. I also know that before that day I loved to travel and be on a plane I loved to see the world and flying and the getting there was the best part ever, taking off in a plane was so exciting for me! Since that day I've been too scared to fly, for years I flat out refused to go on a plane, then when I did first go on a plane to germany i crapped myself I had a mental breakdown I was so scared...even now I hate flying I mean... I do it, one dream for me is to see this world and experience as many cultures as possible, I want to go and teach the world though the beauty of music what world peace is about... That unfortunately means I have to be prepared to fly, but I have panic attacks for weeks before now... Before I fly I have to go on the air crash safety database look at the airline I'm flying with see how many incidents they have had, what caused them, then I have to work out the chance it will happen again... Then I have to learn the entire layout of the plane I'm going on so of anything happened I could try and get everyone out...I have to do calming exercises. I got the flight simulator game and I'll put planes in all sorts of problems and REFUSE to move from that screen until I've landed it perfectly at least 20 times on the trot and I'll fly the route I'm flying... I also set it so I have to do all services myself...I know it's a million times different to a real plane but I get comfort that I have some chance if I was asked to help the pilot I would know where everything is and what it all meant,...it's ridiculous it takes me about 6 months to prepare to fly. The idea of flying American and united airlines most of all anything to do with new York and Boston scares me half to death and that is something I will have to get myself over one day because I want to go ground zero... I don't blame America I blame the terrorists... Where is happened when I was young I just think of that without helping it...
Also I've been to America and honestly I can say I LOVE it with all my heart, I have hundreds of friends and families who are like families to me so it's hard to think its their country going through that... I also have best friends who lost people and another who watched the towers fall in person... She is still traumatised by it everyday.. It's for people like that I got this tattoo. I hate fighting I hate war and this event was what made me want the world peace... I couldn't even care less if I end up getting myself shot like JFK and John Lennon did, if it means that in years to come there is peace on this earth it would be a price I'd pay without question.
9/11 made me who I am today, it's shaped me, it's made me the person 'who will change the world' and other things like that that people have said...
Stars and stripes keep standing strong
You are all incredible
Love love love.
This is my finished project of tattoo number 14 in dedication to America, those who lost their lives and those were affected, so, if you were affected in anyway this ink is for you too.
I wasn't going to add a picture on here because my legs are hideously fat and ugly and should quite honestly die... But I thought that there's not really a point if I'm not going to actually let the people it's for see it.
I'm gonna explain the reason i got this tattoo done because I think that's important, most of all because I'm English and I bet most of you are thinking why on earth would you have that!!!
Well number one even though I was young, I still remember where I was EXACTLY when I first heard... I still remember exactly what was said, exactly how I felt... My heart..was broken into a 1000 little pieces, before that I'd never ever felt that emotion, as a kid I'd learnt to really harden my heart so for something to affect me.. Well...it had to go one, you could have walked over stabbed my in the heart and it would not have emotionally hurt me as much as the 9/11 did that day. I also know that before that day I loved to travel and be on a plane I loved to see the world and flying and the getting there was the best part ever, taking off in a plane was so exciting for me! Since that day I've been too scared to fly, for years I flat out refused to go on a plane, then when I did first go on a plane to germany i crapped myself I had a mental breakdown I was so scared...even now I hate flying I mean... I do it, one dream for me is to see this world and experience as many cultures as possible, I want to go and teach the world though the beauty of music what world peace is about... That unfortunately means I have to be prepared to fly, but I have panic attacks for weeks before now... Before I fly I have to go on the air crash safety database look at the airline I'm flying with see how many incidents they have had, what caused them, then I have to work out the chance it will happen again... Then I have to learn the entire layout of the plane I'm going on so of anything happened I could try and get everyone out...I have to do calming exercises. I got the flight simulator game and I'll put planes in all sorts of problems and REFUSE to move from that screen until I've landed it perfectly at least 20 times on the trot and I'll fly the route I'm flying... I also set it so I have to do all services myself...I know it's a million times different to a real plane but I get comfort that I have some chance if I was asked to help the pilot I would know where everything is and what it all meant,...it's ridiculous it takes me about 6 months to prepare to fly. The idea of flying American and united airlines most of all anything to do with new York and Boston scares me half to death and that is something I will have to get myself over one day because I want to go ground zero... I don't blame America I blame the terrorists... Where is happened when I was young I just think of that without helping it...
Also I've been to America and honestly I can say I LOVE it with all my heart, I have hundreds of friends and families who are like families to me so it's hard to think its their country going through that... I also have best friends who lost people and another who watched the towers fall in person... She is still traumatised by it everyday.. It's for people like that I got this tattoo. I hate fighting I hate war and this event was what made me want the world peace... I couldn't even care less if I end up getting myself shot like JFK and John Lennon did, if it means that in years to come there is peace on this earth it would be a price I'd pay without question.
9/11 made me who I am today, it's shaped me, it's made me the person 'who will change the world' and other things like that that people have said...
Stars and stripes keep standing strong
You are all incredible
Love love love.
Tuesday 11 September 2012
9/11 two thousand and one
thirteen years on and the 9/11 is still something that plays upon my heart and mind every single day and on today, it plays on my mind 24/7. I wish more than ever that i could be in new york that i could be a part of the crowd standing and honouring the dead at ground zero...not that i won't spend my time honouring them here.
I can't believe that this awful tragedy took place 11 years ago because in my heart i literally can remember it as if it were yesterday..i can remember exactly where i was, exactly what the news reader said...and it pains my heart so so bad...There is no forgetting it, there is no brushing the memory aside, i don't think it is possible to do that with something on an epic scale like this.I wish there was a button to life that erases things that are so tragic, but theres not...this is life as we know it ,no matter how much i throw a hissy fit and protest...no matter how much any one throws one...its only significant when more than one person does it at once.
I hope that all the victims are at peace now and not still left suffering with the question of why..don't try to understand, this is not something we are meant to understand, walk to the light, let go and be free like you all so greatly deserve. I trust that the angels were there that day...i fully believe in the angels, and even though it broke their heart because they could not take the pain away, i believe they lifted you all up in their arms and took you up to god...i believe this with all my heart. i know your souls are not lost anywhere, i know the angels made sure you got home safe. I want you all to know that we think about you everyday, not just me, but as a world you are within are hearts always, not a day goes by when we do not pray for your souls, today more than ever. I can promise you that you did not die in vain...i can promise that.
Bin Laden and co (i know I'm pure evil for wishing this on another human being) but i hope you rot in hell forever...but id like to increase your suffering now by telling you your plan never worked, you did not crush america, they stood strong...in fact...they are stronger now than they have ever been before. Your 'event; was also the one thing that inspired a change in me, even at a very young age it made me want world peace, it made me want to make this world a safe place for every human and every creature to live, the complete opposite of what you wanted, and trust me when i say...i will make the world free one day...just me time. 'We must realise that a change can only come when we stand together as one' and i think the world...every year starts to learn that a little tiny bit more....enough that it looks insignificant at the time...but over the years it makes a big difference. Yes there will always be 'the others' but if we can get 99.9% of the world fighting for peace then thats good enough for me... i will laugh in your face...i cannot wait for the world to finally get one over on the people like you.
America god bless you all i know how hard this day must be for you i wish you all peace...you are a wonderful and incredible country and i adore spending my time there when i get the money to visit. There will be no more of this one day i promise.
You may say i'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one, i hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one
in memory of the victims and dedicated to the families of the 9/11. Also for america itself.
I can't believe that this awful tragedy took place 11 years ago because in my heart i literally can remember it as if it were yesterday..i can remember exactly where i was, exactly what the news reader said...and it pains my heart so so bad...There is no forgetting it, there is no brushing the memory aside, i don't think it is possible to do that with something on an epic scale like this.I wish there was a button to life that erases things that are so tragic, but theres not...this is life as we know it ,no matter how much i throw a hissy fit and protest...no matter how much any one throws one...its only significant when more than one person does it at once.
I hope that all the victims are at peace now and not still left suffering with the question of why..don't try to understand, this is not something we are meant to understand, walk to the light, let go and be free like you all so greatly deserve. I trust that the angels were there that day...i fully believe in the angels, and even though it broke their heart because they could not take the pain away, i believe they lifted you all up in their arms and took you up to god...i believe this with all my heart. i know your souls are not lost anywhere, i know the angels made sure you got home safe. I want you all to know that we think about you everyday, not just me, but as a world you are within are hearts always, not a day goes by when we do not pray for your souls, today more than ever. I can promise you that you did not die in vain...i can promise that.Bin Laden and co (i know I'm pure evil for wishing this on another human being) but i hope you rot in hell forever...but id like to increase your suffering now by telling you your plan never worked, you did not crush america, they stood strong...in fact...they are stronger now than they have ever been before. Your 'event; was also the one thing that inspired a change in me, even at a very young age it made me want world peace, it made me want to make this world a safe place for every human and every creature to live, the complete opposite of what you wanted, and trust me when i say...i will make the world free one day...just me time. 'We must realise that a change can only come when we stand together as one' and i think the world...every year starts to learn that a little tiny bit more....enough that it looks insignificant at the time...but over the years it makes a big difference. Yes there will always be 'the others' but if we can get 99.9% of the world fighting for peace then thats good enough for me... i will laugh in your face...i cannot wait for the world to finally get one over on the people like you.
America god bless you all i know how hard this day must be for you i wish you all peace...you are a wonderful and incredible country and i adore spending my time there when i get the money to visit. There will be no more of this one day i promise.
You may say i'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one, i hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one
in memory of the victims and dedicated to the families of the 9/11. Also for america itself.
Tuesday 4 September 2012
Dreams can come true
Why is it that you spend your entire life believing that your dreams can always come true as long as you stick to them and keep going? Only I few years later you give fighting the tears and frustration at another failed attempt of something you will never achieve. Then to get all of your dreams rushing at you at the speed of light and you have to decide what path you want to take.
I have always known since I was young were I wanted my life to go roughly... As in what direction I wanted to take.. For example I knew I wanted to dance (but not as a career) I had a moment where I thought it was a good idea to dedicate my life to it but i listened to what my heart was telling me to do. Dance is still one of the reasons I breathe don't get me wrong, and most of all of course lyrical, I can get so much of my emotions out though putting music on and letting go. Another dream I wanted to work with animals and children I didn't know how exactly but I wanted that so bad... And last but not least by a long shot I wanted to travel the world and change and touch lives.
I spent years keeping on and on telling myself it will happen because I've never wanted anything more than my hearts desire and then when I got into this freaky depression phrase I was like 'you know what dreams are complete and utter bull' I remember telling my self about a year back that I was never going dream again because all I got was hurt...broken and let down. Literally everything was going wrong and every time I found hope to cling to it was snatched away from me. This year I decided I would give up and let my dreams come to me... And the crazy thing is 2 of my 'it will never happen' dreams I got to live out and still am living out and I also have another 2 dreams pending!!! Just the very moment I stopped.. Took a breath and gave in to life and let it do all the hard work.
Ive also had opportunities to do so much but I've needed to pick what right now was the most important for me and most beneficial to my soul. I figured I'm 20 I've still got time to do the lot yet!!
Never give up on you dreams but at the same time stop chasing them, let them be the ones to come to you
I have always known since I was young were I wanted my life to go roughly... As in what direction I wanted to take.. For example I knew I wanted to dance (but not as a career) I had a moment where I thought it was a good idea to dedicate my life to it but i listened to what my heart was telling me to do. Dance is still one of the reasons I breathe don't get me wrong, and most of all of course lyrical, I can get so much of my emotions out though putting music on and letting go. Another dream I wanted to work with animals and children I didn't know how exactly but I wanted that so bad... And last but not least by a long shot I wanted to travel the world and change and touch lives.
I spent years keeping on and on telling myself it will happen because I've never wanted anything more than my hearts desire and then when I got into this freaky depression phrase I was like 'you know what dreams are complete and utter bull' I remember telling my self about a year back that I was never going dream again because all I got was hurt...broken and let down. Literally everything was going wrong and every time I found hope to cling to it was snatched away from me. This year I decided I would give up and let my dreams come to me... And the crazy thing is 2 of my 'it will never happen' dreams I got to live out and still am living out and I also have another 2 dreams pending!!! Just the very moment I stopped.. Took a breath and gave in to life and let it do all the hard work.
Ive also had opportunities to do so much but I've needed to pick what right now was the most important for me and most beneficial to my soul. I figured I'm 20 I've still got time to do the lot yet!!
Never give up on you dreams but at the same time stop chasing them, let them be the ones to come to you
Monday 3 September 2012
Love is what is needed
Something thats been bugging me tonight that i really wanted to get out in the open and just write about... Im not using names because that is unfair in this situation...but i know someone...or have come to know someone very recently who was in a major band and was famous all over the world. When i was younger they also happened to be my favourite band and actually in a million ways still are...i have all their music on my ipod i listen all the time and i know all the words...Alot of their songs have alot of depth and meaning for me.
So a few years back now this wonderful woman went though a really bad time, really bad and publicly to which makes the situation even more shit...i was having a moment and listening to their music on you tube tonight and i came across this awful video of her being interviewed and just breaking down in the middle of it...then to my horror i looked at the comments below to find most of them were still against her i ranted on there too i got so mad i couldnt help it.
If your reading my blog then i fully believe you have a true heart therefore please use this entry to educate others around you as im sure you already know this, let them look to this as an example.
First of all im going though the whole depression thing now and trust me when I say its not nice...imagine being locked in a small dark box so you cant move with hardly enough air to breathe...now imagine that 24/7... thats depression.. it really is evil, its such a strong force and as much as people say its a cry for attention it's really not.
A person with depression is living in a completely different world from those around them..depression is like another person taking hold of you, a person that lets you sit in your own body whilst they take over and poison your thoughts and your actions, and the more you shout for them to let you out the more they will just push you away. Basically...I've had this since i was 12 and its been getting worse and worse to points where ive tried to kill myself quite a few times...its been at points where ive had to be pinned down just to stop me from beating myself to death...weeks where i refused to eat..i would sit and cut and not even register in my brain i was doing it until i looked down...saw the blood and snapped out of my trance state...
Things are alot better for me now...but...depression is an awful awful illness...and very serious...if someone had cancer you would never tell them to just get over it, so i dont understand why people tell you to just get over depression...its as much of an illness as cancer is. very different yes..but very much serious in its own right... people with depression need support and love...not to be called a liar and a fake.
Anywho so the beautiful lady i know...i never realised till i saw that video how bad it was, and trust me when i see her next i am going to be giving her a huge huge huge huge hug. I want this blog to teach you not to judge someone just by what you see...and also that we as humans make mistakes..we need to support and love in order to grow.She was at the point of killing herself...she was a mess...almost as bad as i was at my worst and when i was at that state i couldnt bring myself back so she done amazingly well to do so. Basically people were saying things about her and judging her on one or two little things she had said and no matter how many times she explained what really happened and what was meant people put her down more. There are comments on the video saying shes a bitch and dont care about anyone but herself...HA...when i first met her i didnt even realise who she was because ok i am a dumbshit but shes not this stuck up person people say she is..not at all when im around her both of us normally have no make up and have anything thrown on... She was so down to earth and gentle and caring i adored her from the moment i met her. When i finally realised who she was i had a major star struck moment for about two weeks where i would hide when she was near... (i know fucking retarded but thats me) my mum was like 'Vikkie stop being so bloody pathetic and give her a hug' so i just asked her one day can i have a hug and straight away she was like of course! and it was a hug with feeling and meaning. I mean im ok now i feel just like normal hence the fact ill let her see me without make up! But now when i have my bad days she will sit on the floor with me and give me huge hugs and make sure im ok just like my friends would...shes incredible really and has the most beautiful heart..i can honestly say everything in the media was complete and utter bullshit. I also spoke with her mom and aunt etc so i know the real story behind it...
Guys..when someone has depression you dont sit there and mock them and start with stupid stories please..its fucking stupid...i honestly believe along with her that if it were not for her best friend..well..all because she was hounded so so much by the media when what she really needed was love and support...The media calling her a bully...well that is SO SO far from the truth so far...all over a few words which i believe really were taken the wrong way.
Right and you know what im just gonna switch to the point of view that what is said is always meant...ok well...fair enough...but why the fuck keep on? people make mistakes thats what we do thats how we learn and grow, if everything always went smooth life would be shit, boring and there would be nothing to sing about, nothing to make movies about, there wouldnt be a world....the way i look at things..something is said well its done, you cant take it back...you move on...spesh on bullshit (sorry but i have to say that). Just she knows herself what bullying is like so why would she do that to anyone else...
Please by reading this try and understand where im coming from...no body needs to know the person im talking about but know by not supporting people you can make them a million times worse.
I'm out
if you have been affected by what ive wrote here please visit a mental health website such as MIND or your local health centre dont be alone, this story above and my story to shows exactly what can happen when you leave things. if you have been affected by the bullying side please also find help for that...
thank you
So a few years back now this wonderful woman went though a really bad time, really bad and publicly to which makes the situation even more shit...i was having a moment and listening to their music on you tube tonight and i came across this awful video of her being interviewed and just breaking down in the middle of it...then to my horror i looked at the comments below to find most of them were still against her i ranted on there too i got so mad i couldnt help it.
If your reading my blog then i fully believe you have a true heart therefore please use this entry to educate others around you as im sure you already know this, let them look to this as an example.
First of all im going though the whole depression thing now and trust me when I say its not nice...imagine being locked in a small dark box so you cant move with hardly enough air to breathe...now imagine that 24/7... thats depression.. it really is evil, its such a strong force and as much as people say its a cry for attention it's really not.
A person with depression is living in a completely different world from those around them..depression is like another person taking hold of you, a person that lets you sit in your own body whilst they take over and poison your thoughts and your actions, and the more you shout for them to let you out the more they will just push you away. Basically...I've had this since i was 12 and its been getting worse and worse to points where ive tried to kill myself quite a few times...its been at points where ive had to be pinned down just to stop me from beating myself to death...weeks where i refused to eat..i would sit and cut and not even register in my brain i was doing it until i looked down...saw the blood and snapped out of my trance state...
Things are alot better for me now...but...depression is an awful awful illness...and very serious...if someone had cancer you would never tell them to just get over it, so i dont understand why people tell you to just get over depression...its as much of an illness as cancer is. very different yes..but very much serious in its own right... people with depression need support and love...not to be called a liar and a fake.
Anywho so the beautiful lady i know...i never realised till i saw that video how bad it was, and trust me when i see her next i am going to be giving her a huge huge huge huge hug. I want this blog to teach you not to judge someone just by what you see...and also that we as humans make mistakes..we need to support and love in order to grow.She was at the point of killing herself...she was a mess...almost as bad as i was at my worst and when i was at that state i couldnt bring myself back so she done amazingly well to do so. Basically people were saying things about her and judging her on one or two little things she had said and no matter how many times she explained what really happened and what was meant people put her down more. There are comments on the video saying shes a bitch and dont care about anyone but herself...HA...when i first met her i didnt even realise who she was because ok i am a dumbshit but shes not this stuck up person people say she is..not at all when im around her both of us normally have no make up and have anything thrown on... She was so down to earth and gentle and caring i adored her from the moment i met her. When i finally realised who she was i had a major star struck moment for about two weeks where i would hide when she was near... (i know fucking retarded but thats me) my mum was like 'Vikkie stop being so bloody pathetic and give her a hug' so i just asked her one day can i have a hug and straight away she was like of course! and it was a hug with feeling and meaning. I mean im ok now i feel just like normal hence the fact ill let her see me without make up! But now when i have my bad days she will sit on the floor with me and give me huge hugs and make sure im ok just like my friends would...shes incredible really and has the most beautiful heart..i can honestly say everything in the media was complete and utter bullshit. I also spoke with her mom and aunt etc so i know the real story behind it...
Guys..when someone has depression you dont sit there and mock them and start with stupid stories please..its fucking stupid...i honestly believe along with her that if it were not for her best friend..well..all because she was hounded so so much by the media when what she really needed was love and support...The media calling her a bully...well that is SO SO far from the truth so far...all over a few words which i believe really were taken the wrong way.
Right and you know what im just gonna switch to the point of view that what is said is always meant...ok well...fair enough...but why the fuck keep on? people make mistakes thats what we do thats how we learn and grow, if everything always went smooth life would be shit, boring and there would be nothing to sing about, nothing to make movies about, there wouldnt be a world....the way i look at things..something is said well its done, you cant take it back...you move on...spesh on bullshit (sorry but i have to say that). Just she knows herself what bullying is like so why would she do that to anyone else...
Please by reading this try and understand where im coming from...no body needs to know the person im talking about but know by not supporting people you can make them a million times worse.
I'm out
if you have been affected by what ive wrote here please visit a mental health website such as MIND or your local health centre dont be alone, this story above and my story to shows exactly what can happen when you leave things. if you have been affected by the bullying side please also find help for that...
thank you
Wednesday 15 August 2012
Friends like mine
Right blogging time! Im going to try and get myself back in the habit of blogging about things when i need to instead of sitting there taking it out on myself and practically getting no where in the long run. It's actually thanks to a text i got from my best and she and only she will know exactly the thing thats currently bothering me in a personal level.
Ive just been thinking today about a handful of my friends who seem to care for me and i mean REALLY care....like adore me to little pieces care...and then been wondering just simply why because i really am nothing at all special, or worth it...nothing...It's also the friends that are like angels that im talking about...Ive been thinking about it to a point where its tore me emotionally and got me into a right state...Ive been sitting here thinking about how much i dont deserve these friends and then replaying in my head every messed up thing that went wrong in my life....I mean i have friends whom everyone loves, everyone adores, everyone wants to be friends with...and yet...they are friends with me and its insane...
I have friends that have stood by me through thick and thin no matter what has gone on they have not left my side...even when the whole world did
I have friends who have faith in me and say 'you know what? lets do it!' and dont base my future and what I can do on just my past. If there is a dream they help me along and encourage me to pursue it.
I have friends who will give me the most amazing most beautiful hugs in the entire universe, they know if my go away leave me alone means 'go away leave me be' or 'no dont go i want you to hug me' These are the friends who think nothing of climbing in bed next to me and hugging me all night when i feel alone, afraid, upset or scared...
I have friends that know me better than i actually know myself that can tell my life story better than i can just because they listen to everything i say and hold in their hearts even when i forget...Theyll remind me of the long forgotten good times when im upset to make me laugh, or remind me of a situation ive been in before that ive managed to come though even if it meant coming face to face with the devil.
I have friends all over the world who all still give me time, attention, even when i dont deserve it...they message me if i havnt spoken to them in a week or so and be like 'i love you dont forget ok?' it makes my day, I love love, and those three simple words as long as they are meant mean more than the world to me. I have friends who use the line 'you do that and hurt yourself then you hurt me too' and as much as i loathe that when it happens, its normally the thing that will stop me doing whatever retarded thing i had planned out..in the long run it means epic amounts to me.
I have friends who i can act like a 5 year old again with and its perfectly ok...(Emma & Alice!!!) i can run around asda with them finding fruit that looks like rude parts of the body....or bombing down the aisle on the trolley singing...or dancing to music...or doing something totally and utterly pointless and stupid that just scares people into thinking weve escaped from the loony bin.
How do i deserve this...? I mean i could go on for alot longer but i cant remember what i wrote and what i havnt wrote and im too tired to keep reading back to check....
I'm not amazing, im not even a person worth a thought...yet i have friends like this?
Sunday 12 August 2012
John Lennon brings me back
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
― John Lennon
Okay guys i know I've been seriously abusing my log recently and not writing anything...but i really have had a lot going on..alot of the time, and then I've also been sick so I've not had time to sit down an get to write...but this...literally forced me to get on here...
Well i was just watching the closing ceremony for the London 2012 olympics and i can honestly say I've never seen anything more amazing in my life than what the John Lennon tribute was...i would describe it but considering that by now the whole world has prob seen it i don't see the point.
But wow...London thank you thank you for bring my hero back from the dead for a night, thank you for giving him a chance to get his message of hope and love across the oceans and to all the different countries...i think he's look down right now crying with tears of joy. I was sitting trying so hard not to cry watching that play across my screen and i didn't even manage to control my heart for a second...The song Imagine is very special to me and sums up a lot of what has happened in my life...it also sums up who i am today and what i want for this world...recently I've been falling back, because I realised there was 'no hope' for this world and all humans will do is distory it and each other...seeing a group of people singing that song all together, whilst having it played out to the world also in sign language well it got me big time... tomorrow I'm going back to my hippie look that i so miss... I've realised there is hope there is always hope...and I'm not going to give up on this world yet...well never actually. One day, if we keep performing like this, i believe the world really will live as one.
Why does it matter if your black, white, asian, mixed race, straight, lesbian, transgender, gay or bi? why does it matter if your hindu, mormon or whatever religion you are....why should people care if someone wears glasses, or likes tattoos and piercings...or likes to cut their hair differently to others....why is standing out so wrong and why must people be punished...what i saw tonight has given me a reason to keep on believing that one day every heart beating on this planet will come together in realising they all beat for the same reason, breathe the same oxygen and live under the same sky...and that they are meant to be together...not at war all the time...
Please anyone who is reading this...really think about it...we are one..we just need to see that. I mean the Olympics for a start...look what we can do when we stand together.
There is no limit to what we can change.
― John Lennon
Okay guys i know I've been seriously abusing my log recently and not writing anything...but i really have had a lot going on..alot of the time, and then I've also been sick so I've not had time to sit down an get to write...but this...literally forced me to get on here...
Well i was just watching the closing ceremony for the London 2012 olympics and i can honestly say I've never seen anything more amazing in my life than what the John Lennon tribute was...i would describe it but considering that by now the whole world has prob seen it i don't see the point.
But wow...London thank you thank you for bring my hero back from the dead for a night, thank you for giving him a chance to get his message of hope and love across the oceans and to all the different countries...i think he's look down right now crying with tears of joy. I was sitting trying so hard not to cry watching that play across my screen and i didn't even manage to control my heart for a second...The song Imagine is very special to me and sums up a lot of what has happened in my life...it also sums up who i am today and what i want for this world...recently I've been falling back, because I realised there was 'no hope' for this world and all humans will do is distory it and each other...seeing a group of people singing that song all together, whilst having it played out to the world also in sign language well it got me big time... tomorrow I'm going back to my hippie look that i so miss... I've realised there is hope there is always hope...and I'm not going to give up on this world yet...well never actually. One day, if we keep performing like this, i believe the world really will live as one.
Please anyone who is reading this...really think about it...we are one..we just need to see that. I mean the Olympics for a start...look what we can do when we stand together.
There is no limit to what we can change.
Wednesday 27 June 2012
Alaina Wood
I remember a few weeks back actually saying i would put this blog on and its stupid because its only just going on now but here it is :)
This woman, she's just incredible and i think that spending almost two weeks literally traveling with just this one person i got to learn that even more so... in fact i learnt a lot more about myself when i was with her... i learnt that for a fact, there is such thing in the world as forgiveness and that people don't judge you for your past, i mean, ok she didn't know anything about my past...but... she never once judged me on anything that i told her and i mean anything.. This woman is kind, compassionate and caring and i literally couldn't believe she would give a crap about me... I know one night i got really upset...whilst we were in Michigan i think (not saying why trust me i had reason to be) and Alaina let me cry on my own for a while... (i have this thing when i'm upset if people come near me) she gave me some space that i needed and you guys on here cannot imagine what that meant. Normally when I'm crying i find it hard to breathe anyway and even more so when my heart is hurting like it was that day, so when i have people all over me, hugging me and trying to 'talk'.. it really does make everything worse i feel suffocated then i end up getting angry and panic more....not good...Well anyway Alaina gave me time to calm myself down and then go to her to get a hug...on my terms and then sat hugging me for hours without moaning or complaining....i feel like...for me..that is a real friend..a person who understands you, even if they don't feel the way you do. In Nebraska when i got to meet up with Rhonda i was so scared and so nervous and having about a 1000 mini panic attacks on the plane there...Alaina was the one there the entire time...i think that...i wouldn't have got out the if it had not been for her coming with me, and you can see by my previous blog that going to nebraska was the best thing i ever done...URGH i just have so much to be thankful for its unreal...even the subbing me money for the rest of the trip...
i have this incredible friend called Alaina and i really felt the need to write something after spending more time with her in her home a few weeks back.
Well i met Alaina about 6 1/2 years ago now taking my first YA workshop and that is the one where you had the whole thing going on with Gweedo...its crazy because i never really got to speak to her in the time we were actually together and in the time that i were taking the workshop that year but we got talking after on myspace....yes my space it was that long ago, and i ended up regretting the fact i didn't go hug her all the times when i was dying to inside. Well anyway last year i was talking about her about the fact i wanted to visit America, and i knew in my heart that she HAD to be one of the people i needed to meet this time around...six years...well its stupid and awful...When she turned around and said i could stay with her i was in so much shock...so as a thank you i took her with me to Michigan and Nebraska with me too.
This woman, she's just incredible and i think that spending almost two weeks literally traveling with just this one person i got to learn that even more so... in fact i learnt a lot more about myself when i was with her... i learnt that for a fact, there is such thing in the world as forgiveness and that people don't judge you for your past, i mean, ok she didn't know anything about my past...but... she never once judged me on anything that i told her and i mean anything.. This woman is kind, compassionate and caring and i literally couldn't believe she would give a crap about me... I know one night i got really upset...whilst we were in Michigan i think (not saying why trust me i had reason to be) and Alaina let me cry on my own for a while... (i have this thing when i'm upset if people come near me) she gave me some space that i needed and you guys on here cannot imagine what that meant. Normally when I'm crying i find it hard to breathe anyway and even more so when my heart is hurting like it was that day, so when i have people all over me, hugging me and trying to 'talk'.. it really does make everything worse i feel suffocated then i end up getting angry and panic more....not good...Well anyway Alaina gave me time to calm myself down and then go to her to get a hug...on my terms and then sat hugging me for hours without moaning or complaining....i feel like...for me..that is a real friend..a person who understands you, even if they don't feel the way you do. In Nebraska when i got to meet up with Rhonda i was so scared and so nervous and having about a 1000 mini panic attacks on the plane there...Alaina was the one there the entire time...i think that...i wouldn't have got out the if it had not been for her coming with me, and you can see by my previous blog that going to nebraska was the best thing i ever done...URGH i just have so much to be thankful for its unreal...even the subbing me money for the rest of the trip...
Please google her fitness company Alaina Wood Fitness (she has a blogger too) and if you are in the provo area of Utah maybe run along to one of her classes.. she really is awesome..such an incredible person.
Alaina i love you, thank you so much for everything you have done. I hope we meet again
Saturday 9 June 2012
Meeting Gweedo's mom finally
Ok well...i REALLY want to write about michigan and everything but that would take me wayyy to long as would talking about my whole trip so im just going to write about this one, because it's something ive been dying to do for 6 years, and theres been so many chances and so many opportunities then something would happen blah blah, and plans would go out of the window.
Well do you know i am FOREVER going on about Gweedo and the Young Americans cast of 2006? Since everything happened i have always wanted to meet his mom and his family...i wanted to be able to show them in person what her son had done without even being there...how much this incredible being and soul, had changed my life so much.
I remember that i felt sick with nerves before i met her...so sick...and alaina was telling me over and over that it would be ok. I was to scared that Rhonda would hate me or some over thing like that.... The second i met her though i KNEW that was different and i knew that she was this amazing incredible person everyone made her out to be and whom i felt she was in my heart...there were a few tears i have to admit that..from all sides. when i first hugged her it was like..i.cant.believe.that.this.is.happening, finally i was there seeing this woman i had been wanting to meet for what seemed life forever...
Just being in nebraska with her was the most perfect thing in the entire universe...for anyone who has not been the let me tell you it is the most beautiful place in the world...like so pretty...and so perfect...ok a little too hot during the summer time but good all the same...
When we got back to her house she literally showed us where everything was, and said welcome home, her house instantly felt like home too...in dont know why i think it was just her heart or something i dont know...i felt right at home from being so freaking scared at the start.
I was pleasured to get to play Gweedo's guitar....that brought along a few tears but oh my gosh i felt so great and so honoured, and happy....it meant alot to me to be alloud to do that, and all i kept getting told was 'he would so wanted you to have played that it's ok of course you can'
On the first night we sat up and watched the 2006 DVD for the show at my town...it was emotional, but at the same time i laughed all the way though...it was pretty much the same i always do just with Rhonda and Alaina crying with me.
I know that it was the best moment of my life when i got to meet Gweedos sister Brook finally...she is honestly the most stunning woman you could ever meet in your life and because of that i was like freaking out even more...oh and the fact she'd been Miss Nebraska didnt help...i dont know why and i know im just being a sterotype but i was so so scared she would judge me for being so ugly...but she didnt there were hugs..and tea haha..and we got to all have a good chat which made my heart smile inside..saying goodbye she was like 'hug' and held her arms open...i cant believe someone so so flawless done that to me....oh my gosh i would give my life 5000billion trillion million times over to look just a tiny bit as beautiful as her.
That night we got to sit down with Rhonda and Bill and talk about Gweedo and then, there were tears and quite alot of them to be honest.i couldnt stop laughing at some of the things that he got up to when he was younger though, it just confirms i would i have loved him more than words can say...i mean i DO love him more than words but i would have loved being in his company...
Rhonda is kinda insane though and thinks im special and beautiful etc...( i know im not so you dont need to start emailing be to stop being vain)...and told me on the last night 'i have something for you, it's not a nebraska hoodie but i think youll like it still...It was Gweedos UK tour 2006 hoodie...she said that it was just sitting in her drawer and she couldnt think of anyone more perfect to give it to than me....well that opened a floodgate...i hugged and hugged her and cried and cried...basically only the 2006 cast have these hoddies...the 2006 cast mean SO much to me...so so so so so much...I mean i dont talk to some of them now...and some i didnt talk to much at the time...but they all have such a huge incredible space in my heart.
The next day we got to stop off at Omaha's old market which was BEAUTIFUL i wish i took pictures now but i generally didnt think at the time..i promise to do that when i go back though...oh and i got to walk to Iowa which made me smile inside :) We met with one of Alaina's close friends from back in the YA days, and just wow..i swear she was incredible too...i dont understand how it is like that in america...ive not met a bad person yet...(i know i know i will) and when she first met me she shook me hand, which i thought was sweet...im very much so used to just hugging people now so it dont bother me in the slightest but in England you never really hug someone you have never met or spoken to before....and i still hugged her goodbye, i believe that anything can happen..you never know where life is going to take you or what its going to give so you live up each moment and treasure every person even if they are only your life for a second...show them you are thankful for them being there. I always thought that way, it was the way i had looked at things since my first workshop (2006) with the Young Americans, but...talking to Alaina and her telling me how Gweedo we perfectly fine laughing and joking the night before.....well...it just goes to show.
anywho i think this blog is long enough ive got most of the important bits out. the bits that may have a signifcant impact of other people idk.... but one more thing i will be moving to america i dont know how soon because of my stuff going on but it will happen :) yayayayayayayya
Well do you know i am FOREVER going on about Gweedo and the Young Americans cast of 2006? Since everything happened i have always wanted to meet his mom and his family...i wanted to be able to show them in person what her son had done without even being there...how much this incredible being and soul, had changed my life so much.
I remember that i felt sick with nerves before i met her...so sick...and alaina was telling me over and over that it would be ok. I was to scared that Rhonda would hate me or some over thing like that.... The second i met her though i KNEW that was different and i knew that she was this amazing incredible person everyone made her out to be and whom i felt she was in my heart...there were a few tears i have to admit that..from all sides. when i first hugged her it was like..i.cant.believe.that.this.is.happening, finally i was there seeing this woman i had been wanting to meet for what seemed life forever...
Just being in nebraska with her was the most perfect thing in the entire universe...for anyone who has not been the let me tell you it is the most beautiful place in the world...like so pretty...and so perfect...ok a little too hot during the summer time but good all the same...
When we got back to her house she literally showed us where everything was, and said welcome home, her house instantly felt like home too...in dont know why i think it was just her heart or something i dont know...i felt right at home from being so freaking scared at the start.
I was pleasured to get to play Gweedo's guitar....that brought along a few tears but oh my gosh i felt so great and so honoured, and happy....it meant alot to me to be alloud to do that, and all i kept getting told was 'he would so wanted you to have played that it's ok of course you can'
On the first night we sat up and watched the 2006 DVD for the show at my town...it was emotional, but at the same time i laughed all the way though...it was pretty much the same i always do just with Rhonda and Alaina crying with me.
I know that it was the best moment of my life when i got to meet Gweedos sister Brook finally...she is honestly the most stunning woman you could ever meet in your life and because of that i was like freaking out even more...oh and the fact she'd been Miss Nebraska didnt help...i dont know why and i know im just being a sterotype but i was so so scared she would judge me for being so ugly...but she didnt there were hugs..and tea haha..and we got to all have a good chat which made my heart smile inside..saying goodbye she was like 'hug' and held her arms open...i cant believe someone so so flawless done that to me....oh my gosh i would give my life 5000billion trillion million times over to look just a tiny bit as beautiful as her.
That night we got to sit down with Rhonda and Bill and talk about Gweedo and then, there were tears and quite alot of them to be honest.i couldnt stop laughing at some of the things that he got up to when he was younger though, it just confirms i would i have loved him more than words can say...i mean i DO love him more than words but i would have loved being in his company...
Rhonda is kinda insane though and thinks im special and beautiful etc...( i know im not so you dont need to start emailing be to stop being vain)...and told me on the last night 'i have something for you, it's not a nebraska hoodie but i think youll like it still...It was Gweedos UK tour 2006 hoodie...she said that it was just sitting in her drawer and she couldnt think of anyone more perfect to give it to than me....well that opened a floodgate...i hugged and hugged her and cried and cried...basically only the 2006 cast have these hoddies...the 2006 cast mean SO much to me...so so so so so much...I mean i dont talk to some of them now...and some i didnt talk to much at the time...but they all have such a huge incredible space in my heart.
The next day we got to stop off at Omaha's old market which was BEAUTIFUL i wish i took pictures now but i generally didnt think at the time..i promise to do that when i go back though...oh and i got to walk to Iowa which made me smile inside :) We met with one of Alaina's close friends from back in the YA days, and just wow..i swear she was incredible too...i dont understand how it is like that in america...ive not met a bad person yet...(i know i know i will) and when she first met me she shook me hand, which i thought was sweet...im very much so used to just hugging people now so it dont bother me in the slightest but in England you never really hug someone you have never met or spoken to before....and i still hugged her goodbye, i believe that anything can happen..you never know where life is going to take you or what its going to give so you live up each moment and treasure every person even if they are only your life for a second...show them you are thankful for them being there. I always thought that way, it was the way i had looked at things since my first workshop (2006) with the Young Americans, but...talking to Alaina and her telling me how Gweedo we perfectly fine laughing and joking the night before.....well...it just goes to show.
anywho i think this blog is long enough ive got most of the important bits out. the bits that may have a signifcant impact of other people idk.... but one more thing i will be moving to america i dont know how soon because of my stuff going on but it will happen :) yayayayayayayya
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)