Where where you?

I am sitting her right now, thinking about a dance that i have recently done for 9/11, both the victims and their families, and it shocked me to realise that i remember exactly where i was when it happened. I was on my way home from school in the car, and we were just pulling into my road that i live in, There came a newsflash over the radio saying that a plane a had hit the twin towers in New york city, i was young, and i didn't really understand this, I'd always been on planes from since when i was a tiny baby, and i knew the pilots would not just fly in to a building like that, but then, at the same time, in the innocence that comes with childhood, i didn't think that there were such people on this earth who would WANT to do that, why would someone want to kill a whole plane of human beings, and thousands inside the towers, why would someone want to cause SO MUCH pain and anguish to the world. When i was later sitting on my sofa eating my dinner, watching news coverage of the tragedy, it came though that a second plane had gone into the other twin tower. Then came the news that it was a terrorist attack, i shall never forget how hard it seemed for my mother to try and describe this to me, never, how do you explain something so awful to such a young and innocent person.

So many stories have touched me from that day, for example, the people on the plane that crashed into the field, the people on that plane fought with the terrorists, they knew they were going to die, but they managed to get the plane to crash into a field, sparing the lives of hundreds. They gave themselves so selflessly. The story of the 'falling man' imagine knowing your going to die, and then having to decide if you want to perish in this building or jump, such thoughts should not have to ever be thought about, no one should be in the situation to have to do that. The story of the couple in the north tower, they jumped out the trade centre holding hands, thats love, true love and it brought tears into my eyes.

I don't know why, but the 9/11 affects me alot, still, i know i'm not American and nor did i know a person that died, but it breaks my heart just to see these things happening. America, for me, is such an amazing place, i've never seen a country bound together like that before, everywhere you look, people hold their flag, people with tears pouring down their face, hearts breaking, but still clasping in their free hand a small but still powerful american flag. Flags everywhere, never forgetting their pride, instead of letting it separate them, it brought them together, i admire them for that.

I think about it alot, and also cry about it alot still, LOVE is the answer and i wish people could just see that and accept it, we would be much better off if people did. When the rubble was cleared away from ground zero one small part was left a part of the structure in the shape of a cross, i dont know what i believe when it comes to religion and i dont know if god exists, but i think that was his way of saying the dead were at peace, and free...

So many people lost their lives that day, and so many people equally had their lives ruined, people lost parents, siblings, spouses, sons and daughters...almost everyone. The planes that were taken had children in them, people who were just starting out in life, only the have it snatched away from them. It's just not fair.

I wish the world would just get on and live together, there is no need for killing people.

'An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind' as Ghandi once said.

America you inspire me, such a strong country full of such heart and hope.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL...

Letter from a friend....

So i need to write another blog, because something has just happened to majorly affect me! I was sitting reading though all the letters and different things in my (now huge) memory box and i cam across a letter from a friend of mine that she had written about two years ago.

Never before has something given me such hope, it's amazing, that just a few words on a paper, which may seem insignificant to so many people has so much impact upon my life. I cannot believe looking now that i forgot i had that letter, i cannot believe i have not looked at it in months, i used to sleep with it under my pillow for christs sake!

It's such a beautiful note full of heart, love and spirit, and it reminds me of that person, and of the fact that the things in the letter, are things they say to me in real life anyway! I'm not going to mention who wrote this letter, i think i would actually die from embarrassment if they knew and saw this....so just in case they do see it (highly unlikely) i shall keep it schum :)

I was sitting there on my bed crossed legged just staring, literally staring at this letter, reading it over and over again, and no matter how hard i tried to not do so, my eyes filled and overflowed with tears, I miss them, i miss them so much, i'm going though so much right now, and i keep thinking that if their letter has that much power over me imagine what that person could do if they were here! There are days right now where i just want to crawl into a hole and die.... I don't think i would be alive without this person, i really don't, and when i'm feeling down, finding a letter like this, really, could not have come at a better time. I am so thankful.

INSPIRED AND BLESSED.

Daisy O'brien

I have this friend, and i really feel the need to write a blog about them, i don't know if i am going to show them yet it might seem creepy. We are not that close at all, as in not best friends, and hardly ever see eachother, in fact if it wasn't for the workshops we do i would not see her at all. Daisy, she is..the most talented and beautiful individual i have ever met, she has this huge heart and her passion for what she is doing and her dance just shouts out to the entire room whenever she is in it. We have so much in common and she tends to understand me where others don't. I don't really think that she realises just how amazing she is and how talented she is. I know that recently she has been doubting herself alot, in her dancing, and i just think she is simply amazing, she could be the best YA there is, ive never seen someone have so much power to move people when they dance, her eyes, her heart everything. Today i was talking to her and i asked if she would show me her dance that she has made and when she told me of course i literally cried with happiness. I cannot wait! I wish people could get to know this girl, because she really is amazing, i don't think i really know anyone who does not like her, i am so grateful to have met her and have her in my life :)

Across the Oceans

I miss Germany, i mean really miss it, i need to get back there asap...from the moment my plane took off back on January the second, my how spirit and soul has ached to get back to where my heart is. I spent all summer, some of fall, and new year in Germany last year, and they were the best months of my life. I have some of the greatest friends out there and the flights are short and cheap, which is awesome because i don't have lots of money and i really hate flying.

I keep dreaming about the beautiful houses and plants and everything that is in Germany, it's just so clean it shocks me, i didn't know a country could be that clean. I really can see myself moving out there for good one day, ok so not right now, because i don't have the money and my German is crap!

I feel so happy there and at peace with myself, sure there are things i don't like, but then nothing is perfect, but the amount of good things far outweigh the bad, and are also far more significant in general.

I know i'm going back for a weekend in june to go to a festival, i wish i was going longer, because that would just be amazing, but right now i need to be home, where my dancing is...i hope i'll get to go more in the later months, or more, i have too, my soul depends on it.

One of my best friends lives there and everytime i go though something hard, i pray for them to be by my side...i miss the laughter all the time, and just how carefree life was..a lot like life when you are younger you live for the day. When i'm out there i do that, just because i simply do not care what is around the corner, because what will be will be and my present is fantastic.

Germany has my heart entirely, it's my home away from home.

Oh i miss.....

So you think you can dance.....

Okay see this is the thing i am talking about when it comes to equal opportunities for dancers all over. I am currently sitting downstairs on the sofa and my mum is watching 'So you think you can dance.' This amazing dancer came on my screen and introduced herself as Kaite, she told the judge panel she would be doing contemporary and oh my gosh, she literally reduced me to tears...she was that amazing, she got though, and don't get me wrong, she totally deserved it...there were many other dancers in her position aswell, they were amazing, they had it ALL there, they deserved to get though!. Then there were the other dancers who back up my argument. A young man came on the screen and introduced himself, he had the most beautiful and most touching heart, so much passion for what he does and for dancing itself, but then, when he danced, he didn't have any of the technique there, you could tell he had not really had no dance training, however, he put so much of his heart into it, and it upset me when he finished to have his dreams crushed because 'he was not good enough' ok so he wasn't the best 'dancer' there, but in my eyes i could see he was the best TRUE dancer, because to me, real dancing is about feeling it inside your heart, and moving with your body, and besides who knows.? Given the chance and the training he could be amazing! There was another girl who was deaf, and she learnt music and dance by feeling the vibrations, she didn't get though either because of stupid things like 'her lines were not right' ok, i understand this comp is looking for the best 'dancer, but why can she not even have a chance..? The panel even said if she had training she would be awesome..! It makes me mad! She could be such a role model for people who have disabilities, there will be people who want to dance, but feel they can't because they are deaf, well wouldn't she show the world something totally different. I'm just saying that THESE are the people who deserve to be given a chance, people like this are our future if we have any chance of equality.. So if you guys are reading this, i want to thank you, for having the courage to get up on that stage and just dance, despite what people may think about you, or if people say you can't do it. I encourage you to carry on with your dreams of being dancers. You can do it, and you deserve it just as much as any other person if not more. Good luck! This is what real dancing should be.

26th March 2006

So today i was on facebook and looking though my pictures and remember after seeing the Young American folder that it is 5 years since Gweedo passed away. I wanted to write this blog in his memory, i felt that it was needed, i mean, i never got to meet this guy but i thought he was amazing, just by what i heard from the people who knew him, and the Young Americans i met that year.

I don't know the full story and i don't pretend to, nor is it my business to know, but i DO know that they day before the YA were due to come to our school, we heard the sad news that one of the cast members had passed away. Rumours started flying around, some that i don't even want to mention, but all i was thinking was,' but the Young Americans are a group of young people how could this have happened to someone so healthy and so free?'

My heart literally broke for them, and when i found out that they were still coming to our school i was literally in a state of shock, i don't know how someone could be so strong. It was amazing. I know i wrote a blog like this a couple of years ago, but i think that someone like this should not be forgotten, therefore a new blog, new beautiful thoughts and prayers of love and freedom.

Gweedo, well he was an amazing guy, REALLY amazing, and i know you are all thinking how could i know that when i had never met him... Well the answer is, the stories i heard, the videos i have seen and the pictures i have been shown. The only conclusion that i can come to, is that heaven needed him much more than anyone on earth could, because he was just to good to lose from this earth, i was gutted that i didn't get to meet him, REALLY gutted. But his story inspired me to be who i am today and taught me the beauty in having strength in the heart. The young americans, for the three days i was with them were amazing, there were tears, lots of tears, and all i wanted to do was to hug them all and make it ok, but i couldnt, i mean what can you say when something so awful has happened. Oh my gosh, i remember on the night of the show and this AMAZING girl called Aliana stood up on her own and said 'our show this evening is in memory of our dear friend Brent Gweedo Mathews' and oh my god i'm crying again now even thinking about it, the strength it must have took to get up and do that....I still cry everytime i watch the DVD and think about Gweedo. I don't care i never met him, i still know for a fact that he is impacting lives. My friend Katie had him homestay and was telling me about how he gave her a safety pin with green ribbon to keep her safe, and i thought that was a beautiful story, i always keep a safety pin attached to me now..A year or so ago, i was hanging out with one of my best friends charlottle who i met doing the YA in 2010 and was telling her about Gweedo, she gave me this green bracelet, which i still have not taken off, i think soon it's going to break because it's fraying so bad, but i will just keep it in my memory box when that does happen. There is so much meaning behind it that its unreal.

I don't know what else i can really write without sounding stupid..i just hope that the people who love him know how much he has changed my life, and many others like me..i hear Gweedo's story alot when i am doing w/s and i still remember when i done the stick dance with a friend of mine, Emma, in 2009 and i had Gweedo's stick. When she told me that, well, i have never ever ever danced with SO much passion like i did that day and that time. I didn't want to really do that dance, i had been crying so much before and all i thought was, how on earth can i go out there and do this....thats when Emma said. 'You know Gweedo right?, well look this is his stick' and it had his name on it...i knew he was there with me and with all the YA and i just done it and went for it with all my heart. He taught me to be a stronger person, when i lost both of my godparents last month, i had to leave rehearsals for we will rock you for the funeral, and even though my heart was saying, 'i can't do this, i cant go back to rehearsals' i did, and i cried alot, i spent most of the time either hugging one of my friends or having some alone time crying..but when i was needed to be on stage, i put it to the back of my mind and focused on the show...i would not have done that if i had not met the 2006 cast. I have a tattoo on my foot saying free, in memory of all my friends and family that have died, and i always think of gweedo as well whenever i look at it....

SIMPLY BLESSED.

LOVE ALL OVER THE WORLD AND HUGS FOR THOSE WHO NEED IT..

keep on praying for Japan and the lost, may the spirits of those now free, guide you to safety.

(This blog was written in memory of Gweedo, thank you for your heart for changing so many lives, and for still continuing to do so. Free.....)

When people change.....

Oh i sometimes do not know why i am bothering anymore with you.

It's always about you and life always revolves around what you want. I am sick to death of everything being on YOUR terms, like really...

I really am fed up of only being your friend when you want me to, you keep me hanging the whole time, and then more often than not let me down anyway. Thats not ok, and you know what..? It's about time that you learnt that. But then it's also about time i learnt to tell you this to your face and not just write it on a blog, hoping that you might see it and realise it's you i'm taking about.

One day i will get the courage to tell you exactly what i am feeling, you make out to be this 'amazing friend' but only when you want something, when it comes to ANYTHING to do with me, then suddenly your 'too busy' or 'don't have the time right now' It hurts...i need to learn to say no to you, and i need for you to understand i am not just a go between, and somewhere to go if you have no one else,i have my REAL friends and i would much rather be spending my time with them to be perfectly honest.

Urgh, i cannot believe how out of order you are being. Friendship can be a right pain sometimes :/

Dancing though life....

I love dancing, dancing is my life.

So why the hell is it that i feel such a failure compared to nearly every other dancer i know. Why do i have to be so crap at something that means so much to me.

Yes ok so i think that dancing isn't always about how well you can dance, but more about your heart and spirit in it, but in the 'real' world is it really seen as that? With people being declined from jobs just because 'they do not look right' or are 'not good enough' really does not help to argue the fact that anyone can dance does it.?

Dance really is something I adore doing, i dance though everything, any emotion or thought or feeling, no matter what is going on inside my head or heart, i just dance because it makes me feel good. But now I'm coming to the end of my three year performing arts course at college, i'm wondering if there really is any point in me carrying on with it. I mean don't get me wrong, i love it with all my heart and everything I have inside, but lets face it, i am no where near as good as these famous dancers that you see on TV and stage nowadays. I just want to be able to dance and feel the music, i love dancing with no previous idea of what im going to do, just dancing as it comes to me, and thats normally the times i dance best. There is so much passion there, in me and in other people, but the small group of people that are deemed good enough..are literally like clones, and i really dont think that dancing should be about that. I'm lucky right now because i get my dance classes free with the course im on, but in general, wherever you go they are really expensive, not to mention the costumes needed aswell. It's just not possible for some people to learn the art of dance and I don't think thats fair.

For the past few years i have done a workshop with a group of young people called the Young Americans, and you know, they inspire me SO much, they never turn anybody down because of their size, looks, or skin colour. I can name so many dancers, who to me are the best dancers on this planet....Jenna..Oh my gosh the most amazing tap dancer i have ever seen in my entire life, i literally could not breathe when she danced. Emma..one of the most amazing ballet dancers i have ever seen in my life, shes just simply amazing..britney..possibly the most awesome urban dancer i have ever met...,mary-jo,judy,sarah,alaina,jess,ashley,...i could literally go on forever, every single one of them to me is perfect, but i know for a FACT because they are all individual and not clones, it would be hard to get places on some dance shows...yes, for sure they will get them, but if they are auditioning for something like swan lake, it will most likley be, the stick thin, tall with endless legs dancer who will get the job, no matter if they are better than her, just becuase they 'suit the character'..my friend went for an audion once and even though she had the most awesome voice ever, they didnt really want to know because she didn't 'look right' for the part. It's just unfair. Dancing should be about freedom and being yourself, it shouldnt be about money..or looks or age or size....If you want to dance,a nd have a passion for it, then shouldnt you be alloud to..? despite what people think of you. When i first started dancing i used to be so free in it..and now even though i do try doing that, i always feel i have to hold back because i'm being judged for what im doing. In a YA workshop i find it so hard just to let go, even though i know they wont be judging me..all because if this stupid fucked up 'image' of what every dancer should be.

It sucks and i hate it. I want to open a CHEAP dance school, where people can just learn the art of dance, without having to worry about costs of classes and uniform, as long as your are comfortable and can dance in it, come in anything. Dance should be about you, the floor and the world...not about what people think,perfection,and clones.

Those three words.

'Those three words, are said too much, but not enough'

I LOVE YOU

I just wanted to write a blog about something that has really been bothering me for quite a while, and something that, no matter how much i may moan about it, will not change. I am fed up of people throwing 'I love you' around and using it in the wrong context. It's wrong to say i love you to someone when you don't, and equally it is wrong to not say i love you to someone when you do. Love is strong....REAL love is amazing..and i'm not talking about 'the one'..I'm talking about love in anything, friendship, adventure,dreams,stories,hobbies...literally ANYTHING. It makes me sad that people think love is an awful thing. I keep saying it and i will say it again, that LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED. It's sad when people feel they cannot agree with that, just because the love word was thrown around to much at some point in their life.

I have a tattoo around my wrist reading 'amor vincit omnia' which translates to love conquers all..and I've had people tell me its a stupid tattoo to get. Ok, well first of all, who the hell are you to judge me..? I clearly got this tattoo for a reason, and it must have meant something, im not one of these people to just get a tattoo for the fun of it. Secondly, it's a very true and meaningful quote. I'm normally get told things like, 'my boyfriend/girlfriend/friend told me they loved me and were always there so i told them about '.....................' ' and then they left me alone to deal with it and told the world. Well I've had that done to me before, and its what i mean by saying i love you is thrown around to much...If someone loved you, clearly they would have no intention whatsoever of spreading something so personal around for everyone to hear. They would also not leave you and try to support you as much as they can. Sometimes, sometimes it's not possible for them to support you like you would like for them to...but it does not mean they don't care, just that what you are going though they cannot understand...i personally feel that its much better to say to someone 'look i dont know how i can help ive never been there to understand but i will be there if you need a shoulder to cry on' than to say 'oh i totally understand what your going though' when clearly you don't..pretending to understand normally makes the situation worse. honesty is best. :)

What I'm trying to say is that you should look for the REAL love in your life, the people you have known forever, who have always been there for you, the ones that even when you have no make up on and a massive spot on your face will still say. 'I love you and your beautiful' and the things you enjoy to such an extreme that you simply cannot be unhappy when doing it, for example for me that would be dancing or horse riding (note frustrated does not count as hating something, because if your still carrying on at it you must love it!)

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Real love is amazing, i made it my new years resolution to only say i love you when i mean it, and you know that so far i'm doing well...There are people i never said i love you to because i was too scared...I told them i loved them and in some cases i made their day... On the other hand, i know there are many people i have juse been saying i love you to for the sake of it..if i'm not sure, I simply don't say it to them anymore. There are many forms of love though, i have love for everybody and every living thing on this planet, In this resolution i was just talking about friendship love etc...

I don't know i mean, it's just a thought and i'm not making no body change their ways, that not what my intention is, I'm just saying think before you say those three small words. I love you is eight letters long but so is bullshit, make sure you mean it before you say it :)

Thank you for reading this long (slightly OTT blog)

LOVE xxxxxxx

My Guitar and I......

A few days ago, i finally realised that having my nails done, no MATTER how beautiful they looked, and regardless of them being the only thing pretty about me, is nothing compared to being able to hold a beautiful instrument in my arms and play my life away. With everything else i have ever played nails have never posed as a problem, because they simply did not get in the way for me, however, i went four years without playing my guitar...I got to this stage where my heart longed so much to hear it's melodies, that cutting my nails off seemed unimportant.

It was so odd at first and i couldn't do anything, after being used to having these extensions attached to my fingers, i pretty much didn't know what to do. So the first thing i done, was pick up my guitar. It shocked me, that i had let it get so out of tune, it was crazy! A simple strum sounded awful!! After tuning it up, i tried playing some basic chords, and what pissed me off the the max was the fact that i couldn't remember hardly anything.! Then when i did look up the chords i could not change between them well enough to save my life. This made me want to cry, and yes that is pretty silly, but still music is the brink of my life and soul, and i used to be able to play pretty well, so to go to what i am now is awful. I always thought that once you learnt something you never forgot it...? Well clearly in my case i can...i'm starting to pick it up again, but i'm just struggling so much, its so hard..i wish i had never stopped....I want to be at the stage again where i can write my own music, and express my heart though lyrics and song. Oh well, i'll keep on at it i guess, i've done it before, so there is no point in giving up this time and quitting is there? I actually don't know right now.

Random Vent

Urgh i really don't know where my creative spark has gone recently, i want, more than ever to be able to sit here and write the words from my heart onto this blog, but i just cannot do it. It's over a week since everything started happening in Japan, and this woman has been pulled out....80 years old, alive, and a young boy, more than anything i was to write about this amazing feat...i want to write how strong my feelings of happiness are, but i just cannot.
My heart still continues to break for the people out there suffering, there were pictures in the newspaper today and one shows a woman crying, standing in front of a wreckage, which i can only assume is her home. It's just so sad, all i can think of is getting out there and helping these people. I actually have gone past caring if i died or not...i mean, if i did it would be for a good cause right.?
It makes me so mad i cannot write out what im feeling, its a total mental block and it fucking sucks.
I have this friend and she is totally amazing with words, and i dont think she even knows it. I adore things she writes, even just little things on her wall, i found a letter she wrote me two years ago...i wish i could write like that, shes simply wonderful.
I did find out today that the YA that were in Japan are back home in America, that is a big comfort for me, there are some amazing people on that tour and cast and i would have been lost to hear that anything had happened to them.
Peace.

I miss our friendship

I miss you, too much, wayyyyy to much, I'm sitting here tears pouring down my face, wishing you were next to me. I need you love and i need you hugs, I cannot believe i didnt realise before just how much i miss you, it actually hurts, more than any other pain i could describe.

I'm scared to tell you, because we never really talk anymore, i don't want you to think im obsessed, i guess it's just that we used to be SO INCREDIBLY close, and now, well now we are just not...I found a picture of us from a few years ago and it just brought back all of the good memories and good times that we had together.

You were always there for me, and we literally told each other everything, I don't know what changed, your you and i'm me, i guess that its this thing we call life, and nothing lasts forever no matter how much you want it to. I just wish we could be like we were, where we could call each other and text just to say i love you or check in. I took that friendship for granted, and now it's gone, well i miss it one hell of alot.

I don't wish to turn back time, because at the end of the day, i would be back here anyway, it happened for a reason, i just wish that, this was not what had to happen...

I miss you and our friendship.

All my love.

Missing a muse

I really don't know what has happened to me recently, i mean, normally writing is just something that comes so naturally to me, but now, everything is so different and i can never seem to find the words inside me soul to say what i really feel. It sucks. big time. When I cannnot dance or ride, I am left stuck in this world where i can do a big fat nothing to express myself apart from words, and when they fail me too...well...

It's not that I'm not thinking the same things as i always do, i am, and everyday i am STILL praying and hoping for Japan and for everyone there to be well and ok, but at the same time, i cannot find the words to write or speak, to bring comfort to those who need it. People tell me i am gifted with words, well if that is true then what the hell is going on with me right now!?!?

I hate it, I've lost my muse and with it my spirit, i know

thats stupid because it's only writing and words, but for me they have so much power,i don't know what to do without them. I need to get on with my college work, and even though that is all fact based and case study stuff, i just cannot find the motivation inside myself to start it.

I believe words and poetry have so much power that it's unreal, which is why i am sitting here getting so frustrated with myself, if anyone finds my muse ship them back to me ASAP? thanks :) x

From a different angle....

Today was, i think, one of the most inspiring days I have had in a long while. My urban class for a start, even though i couldn't dance, i got to see SUCH A DIFFERENT side to all my class mates, i got to see them dance with passion and with hope in their hearts, and it was amazing....

Some of the girls in that class, never express themselves, but oh my gosh, today i had tears in my eyes, i literally was so close to crying it was unreal. My tap class could have gone better considering i was in too much pain with my head and neck to even sit in a class haha! But then tap is tap i adore it no matter what way it is presented to me, even more so than any other form of dance.

Finally i had my acting class, normally by this lesson EVERYONE is tired and fed up, it's Friday afternoon, we have been dancing all day, and literally everyone is pooped and just wants to go home! But today we started on a new assessment based on the style of epic theatre, we got this sheet with all the different topics we were aloud to cover and then got into groups to start the task of creating and devising a performance...I've never been able to talk so openly in a place like that about all the problems i have had in my life, and for once, i was not afraid, We also got allot of work done...I don't know, i think that two passes and two merits for my previous assessment..well not exactly good is it? Ok so i thought i would have failed for sure but still not amazing, I have a feeling about this one though, i am so ready to put my heart into this and DIVE HEADFIRST into this challenge, i cannot wait!

to be continued.......

I'm sitting here getting more and more frustrated with myself.

i hate myself for being so stupid as to climb and fall out a tree. It's not even been a week of not being able to dance and i already want to cry.

I was sitting in my urban class today and i don't think i have ever wanted to do something more than what i wanted to do that class.

There is just something so beautiful about being able to express feelings, thoughts and emotions though a dance piece. It's just so free and open.

Everyday when i watch the news, and read about Japan, all i want to do is dance, and i know that seems like a really stupid reaction, but it helps get everything out, for me anyway.

I was looking and flights yesterday and even the cheapest flight is over £1000 there is no way on earth i can afford that and get there to help.

I wish the world would just dance when they feel pain.... It really can heal...

It's such a better way to do it.... Instead of fighting and inflicting pain.

LOVE TO JAPAN

Letter to Japan....

Dear Japan

I am writing this letter to you all from the deepest part of my heart.

When i watch everything that is happening to your country, i feel tears rolling down my cheeks at an uncontrollable rate. My family across the sea, although we may be different in so many ways, we are also the same under the same blue sky. Everyday i pray for you all, i pray for your freedom for you love and for your life...

I pray that those who are living are safe

That those lost are found

And the dead are at peace

I love how all the world seems to be working together to try and help you all, and i wonder, why does something like this have to happen, something so tragic and awful, for the world to realise the need to help each other... I wish it didn't need to be this way, I wish it hadn't happened, but then at the same time i am trying to forget that feeling and work on sending all my healing thoughts to you instead no amount of wishing will change the past and what was meant to be. Everything happens for a reason, please take comfort in that thought, YOU ARE HERE for a reason, YOU ARE STILL ALIVE for a reason, and, more than anything remember that YOU ARE SO STRONG, and you can overcome this...the entire planet is behind you.

Every night before i got to be i pray and light a candle for you, and as i blow it out, i make a wish...for your FREEDOM.....

All my love to you, I love you all, even those i've never met, my sisters and brothers...

TOGETHER WE CAN.....

xxxxx

Fragile

Last night i went out on a nature walk with my friend, we got some REALLY amazing photos, i decided i would climb a tree and take a picture of the horses in the sunset, at the time it was a really good idea, but my foot slipped and i fell. It was so scary, i can't remember a thing of it, i remember feeling myself fall and that was it, i know that only now am i starting to remember that evening at all, and thats with looking though pictures...It's still hazy though.

I know, it made me grateful though, it made me realise how precious and yet fragile life is, i am so so lucky so lucky, yes I'm agony, but i've come out of it with bruising and severe whiplash, i was in a neck brace and on a spinal board for hours until they gave me a scan, they really thought i had done some serious damage, I'm lucky, in fact, lucky does not even come close....

I can't dance for two weeks though, i don't understand what i am going to do with myself, dancing is my life, and to think i'm going to have to abstain from it..makes me feel like im suffocating, and no horse riding or exercise for two weeks, that don't help either.

But i dont know, it made me think about all the people that lose their lives young, and how they did not deserve it. I'm lucky, and i need to start being more grateful.

(above is the picture that nearly cost my life)

JAPAN NEED US!!! WE ARE AS ONE!!!

Why does the world have to be so awful, and why do some people judge by skin color and image? I overheard someone today saying that this whole thing in Japan is a cry for attention and that they were not going to think about helping because they were not English citizens....' It made me feel literally sick, i have never heard anything so awful, also the face that the chance the are English citizens out there is at least 99.9% or even more.

When will people learn that Japan is a part of us...ok, so we might be totally differ net in image and looks, and language, BUT we are all human beings and live under the same sky.

It shocks me to think that people would look upon other human beings as a inanimate object, with no question for their thoughts or feelings.

I keep on listening to the we are the world version that was created for Haiti, and there is a line 'And now Haiti need us' Well now Japan needs us, and i am sorry if this blog pisses you off where i keep on and on, but at the end of the day, just don't read it. If i know this blog gives even ONE person a different view, and helps them to see the world AS ONE. Then what i am writing right now will be worth it.

My heart is still breaking everytime i hear about it on the news or read about it, I think about the group of amazing people called the Young Americans that are out there at the moment, and it makes me smile and gives me just a little hope, that they are singing and dancing though this tragedy...after all music is a language we can all speak, and it's a wonderful way to help take peoples minds off what is going on in their beautiful country.

It's sad, because Japan really is beautiful, and now its just looks like a bombsite, i wish to go out there and help in anyway i can, it makes my heart happy to know there are hundreds of others out there who feel the same way, WE CAN bring Japan back to what it was like, with love strength and courage, and that will also be what gets the world though this tragedy.

COME ON WORLD! x

I dance even when i feel pain, i dance knowing theres something to gain

Ok so I'm thinking as i simply cannot do anything but think about Japan, i should maybe try and busy myself with writing a blog about today, considering i wanted to do that!

So today i had my urban class, and we got to do something entirely different to what we normally do, normally, i love urban, of course it's dancing, but normally i will cry and get so frustrated because it's not my 'dance' style.

Well today we were talking as a class and i found that urban dance and music, can be used to perform a lyrical dance, Music is just one of the few wonderful things that you can do literally anything with.

We were given a piece of music with no lyrics in which to make up a dance (lyrical based) too. At first i was totally lost, because its not the normal music i dance lyrical to...but i just really thought about it, about what it would feel like to have depression and i mean the real and RAW emotions, and i just moved, and danced...It just came from somewhere deep inside me...

Then after the class, i danced a little bit of let it be for my teacher, it was the most beautiful feeling, even though inside my heart was pounding so much and i was literally terrified, i put all my soul and passion into it, i danced for overcoming violence, war and the negative things that happen in our lives.. I came out of that class knowing that i'd helped someone understand the power of lyrical, and the words of let it be.

Prayers and Love to all in Japan;...

Going to be dancing for you for the next few months to come!

Praying for Japan

I've just been watching the News all day and watching the devastation in Japan is just breaking my heart.
I'm crying my eyes out, watching their houses get destroyed, and their lives, what they have spent their entire life building on being taken out, just like that.
How can the earth be so cruel, how can the ocean, it all it's beauty and vastness, hold such fear and such dread. How can it take away everything....
I want with all my heart to go out there and help, i wish that i could get on a plane and make a chain of people, stand up against nature and help them be strong and fight it, but i cannot, and that hurts like hell...it hurts so much.
I'm thinking of the Young Americans that are out there, Mary-jo, Judy and Bruce, everyone else out there, and i'm just praying they stay safe, they have changed my life so much, and change so many lives, the world would just not be the same without them.
I'm praying and i'm hoping, please god if you are real help these people, help them rebuild their lives and bring comfort to the people who have lost loved ones...
It's so sad...i actually cannot stop crying, it's breaking my heart, i don't know what to write, words just cannot explain....

Please help them someone.....

We are the ones who make a brighter day so lets start giving

'Rural girls have the same dreams as girls everywhere, but they are destroyed by poverty.'

I was just browsing on my twitter account and saw that someone had posted this quote, i mean really, where is the fairness in it.? I'm sick of hearing about people who lose out on things that others can get so easily, just because of money.

I'm talking about this in a big scale, you could go to Africa and find one of the most talented singers that this earth could ever find, a person who wants to share their passion with the world, someone who could be as famous as the wonderful and amazing John Lennon. But will they ever get a chance to show that? No. because they are struggling to survive and make ends meet, and sometimes they will even die young, because they do not even have the money to be alive....a talented and beautiful, individual life, gone, just like that.

It makes me cry that such a beautiful world could be so mean and so horrible to an innocent person, i read a story recently which was about a girl who had bought NINE dresses for her wedding day, all at over £1000 each, and ok, i think some of the comments made about her were out of order, but if shes got that much money to throw around, why is she not giving it to someone who's life it could change..? She is only going to wear them once for christs sake! The money from one dress alone could save a life....but whatever, that's just what i think....

I mean even in England, where compared to some countries and people, EVERYONE is rolling in it, there are thousand of people who are losing out on their dreams, just because of having the lack of funds...look at uni fees reaching a retarded level, and to add the fact all funding is being cut, it makes it impossible for SO MANY people to actually go to uni and make something AMAZING of their life...The government are fucking retarded what they don't realize is that the children are the future, they need to teach and educate them, and help them, not throw them in the corner because they do not come form rich families...by doing that they could be losing out on some amazing doctors,lawers...anyone...there could even be a person there who will find the cure for cancer, but will never get the chance because the government don't give a shit...

Urgh it annoys me...yeah so it might cost them money now, but think in the future how much that child will give back....

Idiots...the worlds people are destroying their planet and their own lives without even realising it.

Just like a pill

'I swear you just like a pill,

Stead of making me better

You keep making me ill'

So following on from my other blog last night, i decided i would 'rediscover' some of Pink's music.

And you know what got me? Was that all of her music, the lyrics were so fucking true.!

I was listening to Just like a pill...

It's actually true that its not just drugs you can get addicted to, yeah if you pop pills..spesh the illegal kind you are bound to get addicted..but it's not always about that kind of addiction.

The addiction is this song...is it really that possible to be addicted to a person to a point where you cannot life without them and can't function if you dont talk to them.

I don't really know, i mean, I'm only 19 and i don't think ive liked someone enough yet to get to a stage where i can say i can relate to the lyrics....

But my best friend is dating a guy who is meant to be making her happy...and yeah ok, he does that sometimes, but most of the time he's a complete fucking arsehole and has her in tears... but you know what...even though he is making her worse she cannot walk away... he's like a drug to her...and dangerous and eventually lethal drug...

And in another way, maybe the song is talking out the people and friends that generally try to help someone but make everything a million times worse..i could understand that point of view, so many people have ended up making me worse when all they were trying to do was help.... I'll get paranoid that i said too much, or they will say something and i will twist it to make it what i 'think' they said...it always ends up making me worse, even though their purpose was to make it better...

Hmmm..All i know is that this song really does reach out to so many people...

I am not a robot

'I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

so irritating

don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else'

I was just randomly going though some music on my ipod and came across this song by Pink, i haven't listened to it in ages but decided i would today.

Do you know when you just find one of those songs that sums up how you are feeling in one particular moment, like you listen to it and it's as if the writer literally took the words out 0f you own head.

Well today, that's what this song did.

I think that this song can sum up what life is to many young girls these days, not just me, i mean, there is so much pressure to be beautiful and slim, the media display it everywhere and its just retarded, everyone literally has to be the same, and i don't think its right. I'm doing we will rock you right now in my fmp, and i really do worry that In the future the world will be like, just hundreds and thousands 0f clones, no individuals.

There is such a significant line in the second verse

'LA told me, you'll be a popstar, all you have to change, is everything you are.'

Why should all popstars be beautiful, if you have a talent there, surely you should be alloud to share it with the world right?!?

I hate on xfactor when people audition, who are not the most prettiest or slimmest person going, and before they even open their mouths, the get judged by the audience. how on earth it that fair.?

Why are people told they are too fat to be dancing, just because they are not the 'perfect' ballet dancer....? I have done a few Young American workshops in the past 5 years and you know what i love the most..? Is that everyone is treated the same,no matter what the size or looks....

Is it no wonder so many famous people these days are having breakdowns...The amount of stick they get for having just one fucking spot on the face is crazy!!!! they are human beings, therefore, they should be alloud to have things like this, without it being displayed everywhere for the entire world to see how 'ugly and unfit' they are.

I think that the only magazine i have every seen that promotes real beauty in every single issue is company, and that is why i get that magazine so much. In there its about dressing as you want, and finding new unsigned bands...not about whats already out there and what we are expected to wear...

I dress most of the time so differently to my friends, one day i got in my Friends car and she took one look at me and said 'your dressed like a fucking hippie what the hell are you wearing?'

We don't talk no more, there is something beautiful about walking down the street in somewhere like camden and seeing so many different styles...that's what the world should be about really...

money, looks, age and size should not matter, bit should be whats inside....

love and hate

Why on earth can people not believe me, I mean i know my vision of myself may be a little bit wrong, but I think i know if someone hates me and does not like me, it's blatantly obvious.
I wish people would believe me and not keep telling me that i am being stupid and saying things that can by no means be true.
I am sick of people saying i am such a loved person, because i really really am not, I'm constantly thinking about how much people hate me and it tires me out and makes me feel awful.
I wish people would understand and see the truth...
i REALLY do.