Heart from Japan

I just sent a link to one of the YA i met last week, and i realised in doing so that i should actually write a blog about them because they really have changed my life quite greatly. On the second day of the workshop i met a beautiful young woman from Japan called Arisa, we were doing a lyrical dance part of the workshop, and watching her dance literally moved me to tears, i couldn't breathe, in her dancing i could see the passion and hope that she had for her country. This was the only part of the workshop this year that i really did let go in after a little bit of pushing on Arisa's part.

We sat and talked for abit about everything and about her homeland and how beautiful it was, she saw my pray for japan band around my wrist, and as she touched it and said, 'oh my gosh' i instantly felt connected to her.

She was an amazing dancer and i was so lucky to have got the chance to meet such a beautiful soul, more than anything i have just wanted to find a random Japanese person and hug them, and with her i got to do just that.

I don't even talk to her now, but I still think about her and her country every day, and its making me cry writing this, because i really did hold back so much and not enjoy the workshop like i could have done, which means i didnt get to show her my complete 'true self'...i hate myself for that more and more each day, and what i hate more is the fact i will not do another workshop again..even after meeting people like this.

The Young Americans, really are a wonderful group of people, but there is always one or two on a tour that touch my heart in a way no other could. Yes, there were some amazing people on this tour but none like Arisa.

The end of my Young American stories.

KEEP ON PRAYING FOR JAPAN

Dear you

Dear you.
So i wanted you to know that your on my mind constantly, i literally spend every moment i am awake and every moment i am asleep, thinking about you and how much i miss you. I wish you were here, i wish it was not an age since i last saw you, I wish i knew i could see you again, I wish you knew how much you mean to me, because i'm too scared to tell you, what if i push you away, i'm much rather have you as a friend that nothing at all. I hate it because the people who DO know, think i can do better than you, but they don't see you the way i do, i see the good things, and they far outweigh the bad ones. I just want to be in your arms and feel you kissing me and telling me i am beautiful, because maybe, just maybe, if you said it i might be able to believe it.
Love from me. x

This innocence is brilliant.......

If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die. Dreams see us though to forever...as high as souls can fly. The clouds roll by, for you and I.....

Last week i yet again got to do another YA workshop. This year though, instead of being able to put all my heart and soul into it like i did previous years i had to hold back the entire time. It was frustrating, for myself and for i would think most of the YA. They were asking me to sing for them, and to dance for them, and i was literally so scared, paralysed with fear. I knew in my heart they would be supportive, because they have been, every single year. But i just could not do it this time, even are all the coaxing and begging. I hated myself for that, one of the YA said to me

'you have paid £50 for this workshop and it saddens me that you don't want to take part'

I understood where he was coming from and I felt really bad for it. This year i changed, or i have changed since the last workshop at least. I couldn't let go and enjoy myself like i used to in earlier workshops, i just know because of this, i highly doubt i will do another workshop, although, i do recommend it to anyone anyway. I did get one hell of alot from it.

Anyway, the point of writing this blog was simply because I was just looking through my YA photo album on facebook and my laptop, and it actually made me cry..alot. When i was younger i was so innocent, i think my first workshop i was only about 14..? Since then, somethings have really changed, ive grown up and made so many mistakes, it more and more takes away the innocence and beauty of doing workshop. Last year i made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and even though i am moving on from it now or trying, i dont think i will ever be able to get over it entirely. I think, that it got blown out of proportion, i mean, it was no way as bad as some people made it out to be, but still, that took away for me, the beauty of workshop. But i was scared to be there this year and to be doing the workshop, again that was/is a really stupid feeling to have. I wish i could go back to the innocence of childhood. I miss it...I miss it so much.

Like a sister to me.......

Over the past couple of days i got to spend some time with an old friend of mine of whom i have not seen in ages, it was amazing, full of tears and laughter, but also very bittersweet because i have a feeling it will be the last time i see them in a while, if not, most likely forever. When they walked back into my life and i spotted them in the corner of the room i could not get over how AMAZINGLY beautiful they had become, and i'm not saying that they were not beautiful before because of course they were, but she seems to get even more beautiful and even more stunning everyday. I literally do aspire to be like here in a few years when i am her age.

We sat outside with a cigarette in hand and just talked about everything and life, i've never been able to be so honest with someone, and i keep thinking now, do i regret it and the answer is no. I've had something I have been holding inside of me since i was a very young child, and i have never been able to tell a soul,one night i just let go and told her everything, it was amazing to get such a huge and overbearing weight off my shoulders. I am so grateful to have someone like that who i can be so close to and who does not judge me no matter what i say.

I wish there were around more and I literally hate being so far away, it's like they have a piece of my heart, like all good friends/siblings have, no matter what way your paths may lead, even if they lead in completely different directions.

I'll never forget this time, because yet again it has helped shape who i am, and has made me a much better person that what i used to be. It is because of people like this that the world spins and people have hope.

A day with Alice.

I have this friend, she understands me to a level i have never ever though possible before. Yesterday we spent the day hanging out, and what i love is that whenever i am with her i am just generally so happy. She has this amazing gift with a camera, something thats just so beyond her 18 years, something that i never thought possible, i mean, ive seen some good photographers but she is just amazing, we spent the morning and early afternoon shooting over hornchurch country park, we took over a hundred shots, and as per normal i was 100% sure i would look ugly and fat...everything that in the modern day world is classified as unattractive, but however when i saw the pictures i actually nearly cried, there were one or two pictures where i actually looked ok, not stunning, but ok..ive never ever felt that way about a picture of myself before it was magical. I love how i can be myself around her and how i feel i do no have to hide who i am, normally i am so scared about being photographed but with Alice its easy, its natural and i actually enjoy myself, there were a few pictures which i really did look ugly and fat in, and she deleted them the second i asked. I got yesterday a photo shoot that would normally have cost me hundreds, plus print outs and hundreds of photos to show. After we had gone back to her house to look at the pictures we caught a bus into Romford and had a catch up chat over a coffee, after we had a little walk and found i stall that was doing free child's face painting, in our total childless we got so over excited and went to go and get our faces painted only to find out that they had closed for the day, i was so gutted.! Then came the fun of toy shops, playing for hours with no cares and no worries, not worrying about what people think of us, just being free. I love her, shes one of my best friends and someone who i can talk to about anything that is happening in my life, everything i am going though she is going though as bad if not worse than me, its amazing to have a friendship with someone like this, im actually blessed.

next week.

Next week i am doing another YA workshop, and the crazy thing is, i feel totally different this time around to what i felt every other year. Normally i look forward to it and get so excited, i cannot even sleep. But this year i am actually scared, and still even now, not sure if i want to even do the w/s. I actually don't really know why i am feeling that way, i mean, the Young Americans are possibly some of the most amazing, fantastic people i have ever met in my life, I don't know why, suddenly this year everything has to change, my heart is in performing still, and i still am happy when i am showing the world the beauty of music and dance. But instead of being excited i am scared, nervous, and kinda wishing this week coming would go away. I'm constantly getting paranoid about things and keep thinking that nothing good can come out of me meeting these people, and they will end up hating me. I have never had this problem before at all, simply because the YA never ever judge you for who you are, they see everyone as an equal. I'm scared this year though, really scared, and no-one seems to understand me and why i feel that way. i wish they would because it would be so much easier to do. I thank god i have a friend staying at my house that week who is coming to the w/s with me, because otherwise i really don't think i would bother, and that would make my mum mad because she has already paid the £75 for me to do the workshop and show! Ah man, i really hate these confused feelings, why be scared of such an amazing, life changing group of people...? There are some people on this tour i have met before, and they are all so amazing, jenna, best tap dancer i have met in my life,and fern, well she inspires me all the time with her singer songwriter skills, when ever i feel there is no point anymore, i think of her and how amazing she is, and that one day if i work hard enough i might be as good as that. :) to be continued.

A horses prayer......

I just wanted to write a blog about something I've been seeing alot of on you tube recently. There are many videos of people riding horses harshly, of riders being flung out of the saddle, and what gets me so angry is the fact that people are writing comments such as, these horses should be shot! There were also many videos in which horses have been branded as 'evil'. I wanted to get one thing clear, with everyone who is reading this, all of the horses in the videos i have watched are not by any means evil, yes ok, some of them certainly may be troublesome, but not evil. It's gets me angry that people always seem to blame the horse, and say that it is never the rider, well 90% of the time it is the riders fault, and for the other ten, it is neither the fault of the horse nor rider. First of all we need to remember that horses were not built for us to ride, we are the ones that brought them into that lifestyle, and they adapted and grew with us, and team together, horse and rider...Secondly, they are naturally flight animals, which means the run away and if they cant run, panic and try to get away from things that frighten them, and at the end of the day, you can try and change that, but it's in their blood. I saw a video where a group of three people were trying to ride a unbroken pony, the pony went mad and bucked them off. They decided that because of this that pony is not worthy of a live and that it would be better of dead, well HOW THE FUCK would you like it if you had three people climbing on your back, take in mind the fact that the pony had never experienced this before, and three people on a 14-15 hand pony is just stupid, no way can a pony be expected to carry that weight comfortably, not only was he afraid but most likely in a great amount of pain aswell!!! There was a pony i met at redwings who had a dislocated back after foolish teenagers had tried to ride him when he was a baby, well now he is disabled and can never be ridden...does that not give more proof? There was also a video of this man trying to get this old and clearly stiff horse over as huge jump and when he knocked it down with his front hoofs he got such a beating i actually began to cry, you could see the confusion in the face of this horse, he had tried his very hardest to please his owner and now he was getting beaten for something he could not help.It's called respect, and thats all the horses and ponies ask for, you give them that and they will give you endless amounts of love in return. And the videos of riders falling off, with people writing horrible comments about the horses and their riders, well in this case, it is usually not the riders fault (unless they were riding incorrectly or they failed to see the horse was not fit to work) most of the time the horses have tripped or stumbled, that can clearly be seen in many of the videos and photographs, humans fall over all the time, so why should we be alloud to have accidents but not these beautiful graceful creatures that we are blessed to share our lives with. Ok i understand that some people do not like horses but thats no reason to hate them or treat them bad, and by no means does it mean they do not deserve a life. I hate spiders literally hate them and my god if i see one i will scream the entire country down...BUT i always tell my mum to get rid of it but not by any means kill it, i might not like them, but who i am to say if that spider has a right to live or not? i don't and the same goes for everything else. I know im going to get people saying that i can't see taking an animals life away to be a good thing, but of course i can. At the stables i ride at the horses are well cared for and well looked after, however, if a horse is in pain and suffering, it is ALWAYS decided that they will be HUMANLY put to sleep. Sometimes, for an animal to be free and at peace, you have to let them go, but no one has a right to take away the life of a perfectly healthy living creature. Horses are wonderful and a gift from above, when i die and go to heaven i will have a hard time staying there if there are not horses, i would rather go to hell if it meant i could be with horses i really would. They should be treated with love and respect, if a horse is scared or afraid, they should be taught what is right and that everything is ok, and if an owner cannot do that themselves they should enlist in help. They should be broken in gently and with care, it should be a new and exciting experience, not one that leaves them mentally and sometimes even physically scarred...I would know, the yard i ride at are wonderful for this, and you get to see horses from the moment they are born, to becoming amazing riding horses, and horses that are nervous wrecks become amazing calm horses. This is what horse riding should be about, so before you look at a video and instantly think the horse is a fault, think again, there's a huge chance that its not.