Lattes and best friends

If anywhere can get me in this Christmassy mood then it's Starbucks :) red cup and Christmas drink time wooooo!!!!

Imagine one day....

I'm happy i got back into my blogging it's like...already been such a release for me over the past couple of days that its unreal. Here we go back to the 100 posts a month thing i had going on last year and earlier this year.
What this blog is about, is kinda the stuff i wanted to add in my remembrance sunday blog, but i don't know. I feel that it was better to maybe put something like this into a different blog as there leaves more respect for the fallen that way.
So i know some people are gonna read this and think that i'm trying to say we shouldnt go to war and have an army etc... but i would like to stress now that is not what i'm saying. In fact that couldnt be any further from the truth. The purpose of this blog is me trying to understand why we should have the need for army's and war etc.... as in, why can't this world just be a peaceful place to live?
One of my biggest celebrity inspirations has to be John Lennon, i literally have his book...which to me is like another bible...i see him as god...i practise everything he preaches...to me he is my idol...he died for peace too and he stood up for everything he believed in regardless of what others thought of that.
'Imagine theres no countries..is isnt hard to do, nothing to kill or die for and no religion too' 
Actually imagine that, a world where there is not need to kill... a world where there is no need to sacrifice your own life fighting for you country...fighting to bring peace to the world. Wouldnt that be beautiful? Imagine living in a world where the only killings are what need to be made..for example, animals in the wild, for food, in the case of euthanasia... killing only to survive or to put an animal at peace... the humane way. Imagine one year on Remembrance sunday being able to to look back at the fallen and the ones who put their lives at risk to give us a chance at peace with the knowledge that finally it worked, peace has been achieved and there is no more war or dying..wouldnt that make such a perfect world.

Life sucks sometimes

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I mean...everything that could go wrong went wrong...I know my blog is normally about giving others advice and helping others out but just this once i need the advice...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love dying? I would think most of you do... and if not your very lucky.Well my nan is a severe sufferer of COPD, i know what that stands for but i can't for the life of me spell it, i guess you can google it if it matters that much. Anyway it basically means her lungs are messed up..big time...this is the one step away from being on oxygen for the rest of her life...Her doctor told her when she was diagnosed a few years back that she had to stop smoking, because now...a cigarette will not just cut an hour or whatever it normally is off her life, it could be cutting days, weeks, months who knows?...Well she has been swearing on my life that she has stopped smoking, she has promised me...hurled abuse at me when i ask her, treated me like scum...and everytime it's always the same thing... 'IM NOT SMOKING JUST SHUT UP' and everytime i find more on her and somehow...'she's not smoking them either' I know smoking is an addiction an i know all to well with my self harm what an addiction feels like, but shes not even trying and its got to a point where i can't deal with it anymore. I said that to her i said i couldnt deal with the upset of finding them on her all the time and the hurt knowing she had swore on my life i lied...the fact she didnt care about anyone else in the family but herself (she even promised my grandad and her husband on his dying bed she would quit)..so she accused me of hating her etc...i turned round and shouted back at her it's not anything but the fact i want you to STOP with the smoking and she flipped and said 'THATS IT IM MOVING OUT YOU DONT WANT ME IF I JUST FUCK OFF FROM YOUR LIFE....' and it made me worse, i was hysterical...i'm not even going to say what happened next because i dropped to one of my low points and ended up doing something silly to myself to try and get her to see how much she was hurting me...that just started more fights. I also found out that my 'brother' (I'll explain in a sec), has known shes been smoking this whole time but does not give a shit about her and lets her kill herself just because he gets fags out it...no for people who think i'm being paranoid i can't be because my mother wouldnt deny thats what he's doing when i mentioned it to her... What do i do? What the heck am i to do? My nan is like another mother to me and i cant deal with this, i really just cannot deal with all of this.... What am i to say to her|? because i've swore to cut my wrists to pieces if i see her smoking before, ive done it in front of her...and she didnt care...ive threatened her, blackmailed her, tried to be nice, screamed at her..nothing...I am going to end up killing myself at this rate just to get away from it all...I can't deal with it...
So for the first time ever i'm asking YOU guys... what do i do?

drunken memories....

ALWAYS makes me laugh... 

i'm in there somewhere although you can only see my knee 

one of the drunkest times EVER

I miss my girls 

11.11 least we forget

'In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.'

 

I can't believe i have only just got around to writing this blog and even more so i cant believe that i nearly didnt manage to get it done at all today. 11.11. You need to have a hard and cold heart not to be moved on  this day.... 

Today is the day that we honour our fallen 'least we forget' for without them we would not be here, there would not be a country there wouldnt be anything, they; with almightly courage stood on the front line and looked death in the eye.  The stood for all of us, they stood for HOPE, COURAGE, LOVE, PEACE... we are to be enternally grateful.

I hope that the fallen can stand next to God with their heads held high with pride, just like the soldiers coming back from war. For they may not be there in the pshyical world...but instead did pay the highest of all prices. This is actually something i get all emotional writing about and then i start getting angry that theres a need for war and fighting in the first place.

All soldiers whenever they battled, even the ones on the front line right now... the ones God couldnt save, the saved and the wounded...our country salutes you. THANK YOU for giving us a world to raise our children in, for teaching lives purpose at the expense of your own. There is no one at all braver than you and not enough recognition is given for all the fallen... Hopefully that will change now...i hope that will change. 

You will never be forgotten, you will live on in our heart, lives and everything we see feel and touch for the rest of our lives.

You are the wind, you are the rain, You are the sun... with a newborn babies cry we will thank god for you and thank you for letting this beautiful person come onto the earth.  

You are the ultimate ...

 

 

Pro Style Loser

If i get anything done in the next couple of years then its gonna be to fly to Canada and spend a week getting completly wasted with my canadian BFF/ loser twin/sister/ bitch.
Haven't seen her since 2010 when we were in munich together...!
FRIENDSHIP this girl is one of my number one, all time besties.. 
Words cannot describe the things we have talked about/planned for the future/then worryingly gone and done/roadtrips to Italy/ boyfriends/bitches/ growing up.... everything... 
Who wants to buy me a one way ticket? 

Trust Issues

(dedicated to Sarah)

Trust is something ive never really had, or at least if i do trust someone it takes a long time for me to get to that stage. Then the slightest little thing with me will break that trust..literally the smallest thing..just like breaking a tiny promise, because of things that happened in the past, i've been let down by some people who were meant to be the ones looking after me and caring for me.  I just don't trust... i love the concept of trust and its meaning i think its beautiful but i just can't do it for myself. 
Trust is something i have always found complicated. 

So this blog, i wanted to write just to dedicate to a friend of mine as she is honest to god one of the most supportive women i have ever met in my entire life. I have a deep loathing of myself and trust me when i say she is pretty much perfection...you don't get better than her, i would bet my life on that... I may have taken performing arts in college but ive never been confident at it, which is why i had to give it up..i was ok in a group but put me up there on my own and i would freak. I dont like singing/dancing/making/doing anything on my own for anyone because literally it makes me feel so ashamed of myself that its unreal. Like the only way normally you would get me to do a solo would to be to drag me kicking and screaming and then i would stand and be like 'dude i dont wanna do it'. For the past 6 years i have taken YA workshops as many of you know...or should know should be the word...i go on about the EUfall2010 and UK2006  cast pretty much in every blog i write...(I've just realised that Sarah was not on either of them tours and am now laughing to myself about the fact im going on about Sarah) Ok im confused...i really dont know am i talking about Young Americans or what? Urghhh...MUST.GET.SOME.SLEEP.SOON.

Start again ignore my random ramble... right...anyway every year when i have taken YA workshops i have either taken them barefoot or in my jazz or ballet shoes because to me they are just like a second skin anyway i love them. There is this part called 'dance circle' and the ask people to come in and dance for 8 counts...i refused point blank every year and even tried the whole 'oh im not a dancer these just belong to my friend'...that didnt get me anywhere. But i still REFUSED to even try. In 2010 i travelled up to Grantham to take a workshop there, and at dance circle Roshni dragged me backstage and was like 'IVE KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE 5 YEARS SO DONT YOU TELL ME YOU CANT DANCE JUST GO OUT THERE AND TAP OR SOMETHING!!!' (The YA do not talk like that i promise they are incredible..its just the fact Rosh and I were friends before the YA days) and then she put me on the the dance floor and refused to let me move until i done something...so i basically flipped my feet about doing basic tap stuff being all cocky like 'heheheheh i wont get picked after that SHIT' oh i did...whoever decided to do that in the first place...well....im still mad! Like i said before, put me on a stage with 5 other people and i can go out there and own it...i'll bust it out till i'm dying...teach me some more complicated tap routine in half hour and ill perform it better than 30 seconds of something i already know on my own...Well everytime my mind went blank, when i say i threw my feet...i did..i didnt want to be there, i wasnt happy, i was mad at roshni...i didnt tap..what i done wasnt tap but i STILL heard Sarah saying 'COME ON VIKKIE' and telling me 'THAT WAS AWESOME' even though i knew it was shit and in the actual show...i was SO scared so scared, I looked at Sarah and she mouthed the words 'i love you' and i actually done about 3/4 steps which i didnt manage before before i was like 'crap' and went back to normal...then with all the noise i heard her should 'I LOVE YOU VIKKIE' it gave me strength so much  strength... Even then, she was the only one i trusted after id been picked...she was the one who honestly stopped me from having a mental breakdown on the stage.
Well ok thats one small example and its taken me ages this blog is going to be so LONG i'm sorry.!!!

The main thing there is something i have ALWAYS wanted to do for her for christmas or her birthday and even though i knew her and KNEW she was this incredible person i was too scared to send it to her because of being judged.. (basically im making something for her) Like i said to me Sarah is perfect, i would run though loads of different stories in my head of what would happen when she got it...none of them were good, some were awful. Recently over the year i have got closer to this wonderful girl... it's been me, pretty much letting my walls down and letting her in, it's me being honest with her and not being a total bitch... It's me thinking about my actions affect her...I used to say stuff..I didnt realise how much that made her sad...i didnt realise when she saw my arms that it upset her, i couldnt see that...and i think getting close was just accepting shes a human being too... I also use to  think of her as one of these stereotypical american girls (omg i sound so bad) from the movies who are oh so pretty and the damn well know it, popular, rich, talented, had everything but at the same time was are complete bitches to anyone who is not in their little circle...like nice to your face but behind your back forget it. It took me a LONG while to realise that Sarah could be all of the amazing things and at the same time that heart that beautiful beautiful heart she always gave to every person she met could be there all the time to. Well anyway im currently in the middle of making that gift for her to send this christmas ive planned out so many bits its taken me since june/july time.. but hopefully ill be done soon :) For the first time ever I'm listening to her and my heart not my head and the stupid things that tells me...it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life..ive  cried so much, been SO SO SO scared when ive had to do things to help make the book....i honestly just wanted to put this on here to show that im well trying...im really trying...
Like i am nervous still, i will most likely panic...but im trusting her...im trusting her....
This is the first time in my life i have trusted someone so much so im like..... 'eeeeeeekkkkkkk' . 

Never be afraid to let down walls...be careful and choose carefully who you let in, but once you let a decent friend in... not only can you get a better friendship, but also the confidence within yourself to try new things...You get love..i feel like i have a purpose. It's ok, just think long and hard about who you allow into your heart. k? :)

Wings To Fly

I found this picture today when i was on my instagram account i felt inspired to write a blog about it here as it really moved me. 
Depression for me is much like being trapped behind a huge ugly fence and birds...they really do represent freedom for me, so i think this photo, was just profound in many ways.
From this you can learn so much aboout over coming things.... This photo/edit is truly wonderful, basic but wonderful. For anyone struggling i would like you to download this photo from here and put it as your desktop picture, or at least look at it everyday.;...let it remind you that from fear and from hurt can come freedom and peace...You can make peace with anything and that includes being able to make peace with yourself if you just let go to everything holding you back/ 

MONSTER BALL

Very late post but wanted to share a few pictures from the Monster ball i went to for hallowen at the slug and lettuce in brentwood. 

Starting the night off with trick or treat shots in the famous sugar hut...(that if you watch the only way is essex) basically i awful tasting one and one nice tasting one. thankfully i got the nice one yayay :)  Was not complaining!

Then monster ball... as there were about 10 of us we all paid towards getting the V.I.P area which actually more than made up for its money with the free samples of shots etc that we were getting!  There was also a £50 bar tab for best costume that night which we won too so that provided quite alot of the drink that night, add that to the fact cocktails were 2 4 1 it was an incredible night. Would definatly pay for V.I.P suite again, private, big and definatly worth the money!   

Thank you sugar hut and slug for such a perfect night!  

Oh Sandy..

Recently its been all over the news about the USA and Canada being hit by the hurrrincane and tropical storm that combined have realeased devestation all over. (Not forgetting places like Haiti and Jamaica who have also took the brunt, i think its important we dont forget about them, after  'We are the world' after all. I have friends is Jamaica and i really crapped myself for a long while, it caused alot of tears. Thankfully it looks like its not hit too badly there.
Well America and Canada, are two countries where i have alot of friends...say east coast to me and i will list off alot of names of people whom i am friends with....now i have friends from FL up though NC, PA, NJ, NY and ME not including the friends i have in Canada and i can honestly sat that at least 5 or 6 of them i see as my family we are so close...so upon hearing what was gonna happen i went into major panic attack mode...everyones seen these films like the day after tomorrow and all i kept thinking was 'what if?'. My friends were acting differently to the news, some were like, 'okay well this is happening lets just do what we are told', others were like 'im not moving im waiting this shit out' (they were the idiots i was most worried about) and then i had friends phoning, messaging, texting, skyping me in tears saying they loved me and i should never forget it.  One that will always stick in my mind, my friend Ali, literally like ive known her years and shes one of my best friends i have crazy fun with her all the time...MUNICH 2010!!! we spent the whole time tanning, drinking and partying :) but she sent me one saying
'oh god oh fucking god its so bad you cant even see, I love you you gotta remember that no matter what, no matter what ok...ive never seen anything like this before.'
This girl was left generally thinking she was going to die, and trust me when i say i know her too well, and thats not Ali, shes practically fearless and and will stick her middle finger up to everything that life throws at her...and this time...it scared me, spesh when she sent me pictures....she was watching her next door neighbours car flip over etc....it was insane... 
I know on the day the hurricane i was said to hit the coast of new york i was up all night with a million different things around me all on different news websites tracking what was going on...I was in tears, most of all when i heard 'Sandy has claimed the life of a fire fighter after a tree falling on his truck' first death... that got me big time....i dont think ive cried as much over the past few days than i have in a long time. I was so scared seeing everything play out, seeing buildings burn to the ground....homes getting smothered in sea water, subways getting flooded the death toll rising at a steady rate. It broke my heart, i know i'm not american and i know my upset and fear is times a billion for the people out there but i have so many friends out there and i feel at home in America, i love the culture, the people...i love my time...every second of it spent there...it really is my home.
When i saw the photos the next day of Americans waking up to what had been left behind...even i was shocked, seriously, Ive never seen America like that, and i know im only in my 20's but then when people 70 were saying the same...
I dont want to put pictures on here because its not about that now...its not about that...its about rebuilding, its about helping people standing again, bringing people comfort and peace be they dead or alive....its about faith...its about America standing strong as a country, and the world standing strong with them...One of the first things that came to my head was...this looks even worse than 9/11...that i think made ME worse emotionally, but then i also remembered how well americans stood together then...and after crying i felt hope in my heart, hope that i had never felt before. 
I think that now...well we cant do anything to change the past...or the future...i think god writes the plans and he is the only one who has the power to change things like that...  I just pray that the dead are all found and can be put to rest properly and i hope all living are found, given comfort, protection and the care they need to recover. 
God bless America.