That moment when lyrics speak your heart

When your gone

The pieces of my heart are missing you

When your gone 

The face i came to know is missing too 

When your gone the words i need to hear 

That always get me though the day

And make it ok

I miss you

Not yet a woman

Ok random blog time again! So i know this is not normally the kind of music i listen to, but this song just made me think alot...it came into my head randomly for no reason, and has refused to leave...i think i need to learn to play it, because it explains who i am.... 
I know there are so many times i would like to think i am a woman now, and yes in the eyes of the law i am 20 soon so technically i am..but i know i've still got so much to learn before i allow myself to be classed as an adult. But at the same time i'm not a little girl anymore, and thats something that fustrates me no end when people think that i am a little girl and carry on to treat me like one.. (my mother is the worst)
'I'm not a girl, there is no need to protect me. It's time that i, learned to face to up to this on my own. ive seen so much more than you lnow now, so dont tell me to shut my eyes.'
I realised today just now what the meaning is behind this song, and it gets me so emotional because i know that i used to constantly sing this into a hairbrush when i was younger (i know how tacky!)
I really am sick to death of people thinking they have to hold onto me for dear life in order to keep me going in the right direction. I am nearly 20 and like this song states im not a girl so theres no need to protect me. I want freedom, i want to breathe i want to spread my wings...I'm a bird, and the one thing they hate is being held in a cage which is certainly what i feel right now..Yes there are things going on, but i need to learn to deal with that because what my mom does not realise is there is going to come a time (spesh if i move abroad) that she is not gonna be there to pick up the slack of my actions..i need to learn..i want to learn...I make a mistake and she she does not know about it, i face it and overcome it...i want it to be like that with the problems and mistakes she knows ive already made. I wish i had the guts to sing this song. To her, and many others at that.  So many times i have been told to close my eyes and it will all go away, but really? I mean i may be young but what i have already experienced...i think i know how to deal with hard situations, the sad ones, the hurtful ones...i just dont need this constant protection that i get now. People don't realise that it really does nothing but suffocate me, not protect me in anyway.
Like even the start: 
I used to think, I had the answers to everything, but now i know, that life dosent always go my way'
Well this is something i am still working on because i know i can be terrible when i think i am right and someone disagrees, for example if someone told me to go get my leg checked out 'because thats not normal i can promise you' i will keep on and on going off on one and disagreeing, and i thought that was the answer, unfortunately, i still do in some respects, this is where i need to learn.. but in this example i would be scared of what they would say if i did get it checked out, and i actually do hate hospitals with a passion...but life dont go the way we want it to, technically i should listen to people, and just because i dont want to have to go to the hospital, does not mean i have a right to scream and argue and refuse....I need to learn to just do it.
Just this song, gah!, I saw it from a whole new angle today and it just really made me think. 
I know people slate Britney all the time but i want to take this chance now to say shes made mistakes, thats all..just like everyone else does and the only reason you slate her is because shes famous..iff that was your best friend you would...or should at least be supporting them. She's got so much talent and people overlook her.

'All i need is time, a moment that is mine'
xxxxx 

Nick Vujicic

Nick Vujicic  Well what can i sy about this guy? First of all i cant believe i did not know his name until tonight and my beautiful friend Courtney sent me a link for his video. I have never ever watched something so beautiful and so inspiring, i really havnt it was amazing. I wanted to share one of his videos with you all and bless i beg of you to go actually check his whole channel out because it's immense. I was sitting here, balling my eyes out crying hysterically, but oh my gosh how he inspired me, I want you to take this video and listen to the lyrics, the story, i want you to watch what is going on before you very eyes, thats really important i think....the meaning of the video is half in what you can see and half in what you can hear.
I know one thing, this video made me grateful, so amazingly and incredibly grateful for everything i have and for the people in my life and the fact that that most of them are safe and well. This guy has no arms to hug and no legs to run..imagine having to use a skateboard etc to get around.....but yet he does not let that stop him for a second, he lives his life just as any normal human being would...he can feel for other people that are going though hard times (something not all of us can even do), he loves to breathe, like this video is called 'something more' it made me realise just how incredible time is and how precious, it made me realise there is always a reason to keep on living. 
This is amazing. touched my heart VERY deeply just wow is all i can think of to say!
Please please take time to watch this properly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrV_ZvwZRvw

Be moved and allow change within yourself

Love to everyone across the world

I've heard it said...

'that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them.'

Ok guys so i'm sorry for total randomness of this blog but i'm sitting here in tears thinking about this so i really do need to get it out...as many of you know now (yay to blog openness) i'm trying to bring myself out of depression and out of self harm, which in turn has bad effects on my mood. Today i was really down and everything that could go wrong went wrong and i already felt like total shit so yeah...it was not exactly great. I just wanted to write a blog about two friends of mine who literally gave me reason to live today, and they are Roshni and Courtney...and what i would like to add here is that i hope this blog can prove to you how time between how long you have known someone has no relation to your friendship status...Well Roshni, i have known her since about 2006 i think maybe...maybe before that i'm not 100% sure but Courtney on the other hand i have known only just coming up to two years.
I'm trying to get across there that there is a major time difference in how long i have known these girls but yet they still impact me very much so.

Ok well..I don't even know where to begin because this is super hard for me and i get totally emotional either way...ok...so lets do Courtney first. Basically we have got into this thing at night now if we cant sleep of skyping and making ourselves laugh...both of us are going through trouble with certain men right now and because of that it means we literally can relate to each other alot, i think we must have spoken for more than a day about the subject recently if you added it all up. I love how we can come up with stupid ideas for songs and for rewriting songs....for example we are currently rewriting Adele's someone like you to fit the image of Courtney's ex, and we are practically dying with laughter at how stupid but at the same time how correct the song sounds...we even got it in time woop :)  But yeah...literally we have been talking for the past 5 /6 hours and the only time stopped was when i was like 'oh roshni asked me to call her' and that was for about half hour forty minutes.She'll keep me going when im about to cave in...like last night i wanted to keep making myself sick and she kept on and on talking to me, just so i couldnt go and do that, she kept me safe. Literally she will send me things all the time that its unreal, please check out her blog!  http://courtneysimagination.blogspot.com

As for Rosh, well i can put this easily...she knew i was having a hard time tonight with all so she messaged me asking me to call her, and ok she had to do that quite a few times before i actually rung her, and even then i took forever to go through my phone, find her number and call hahahah! Well this girl...i have literally never heard a voice of reason as strong as she brings to me, i love how she overpowers any bad thoughts and feelings, and i also love how i open up to her 100%, i cant think of anything she does not know about me, and well, she helped me alot...she helped me realise that what my illness was doing to me was just that, an illness and there was no fact in it, nobody, who i thought was planning to kill me prob is. She also reminded me that paranoia is a thing that i have always had, and maybe that recently due to certain events they have now turned into 'real voices'...so technically i am making myself ill, which is good...i mean i can see it on a good level. trust me when i have people saying my best friends are out to kill me to be able to see it from a point of view like that i felt alot better. I mean we spoke about other stuff to but that voice of reason Roshni brings always keeps me going. I actually adore her.....I really consider her a true friend, the type that are very rarely found. 

Both girls when you read this, if you see it (ok Courtney i know you will for sure) Please know that i love you endless amounts and i would not have got though tonight without you both. You dont realise that something you do anyway can actually change and have such an impact on someones life. I am so blessed, so blessed and i dont think i would ever want to change a thing about it. You help me to realise what really matters. Thank you both for putting up with me. You really didnt have to....!

I love you

Thank you xxxxxx

'And because i knew you, i have been changed for good'

Love is love

Love is love, regardless of race, religion, size, looks, age (within legal restrictions of course) and the main one this blog is aimed at. sex.
There seems to be alot of people in today's world thinking that the only way a relationship is ok between two consenting people is if one partner is female and the other male. Well i'm sorry but this is just utter bullshit and i can tell you now there is going to be alot of language in this so if you dont like it, i'm sorry, don't read it.  So basically this morning i got a message from a good friend of mine on twitter, and no, i dont know him in person but i dont think i need to, i'm there for people regardless of if i know them or not. He's gay, and was kicked out of a club (i'm guessing the other night,)' for kissing his boyfriend...he was in tears..apparently this is not alloud in public...although, walk into any other bar and it's perfectly fine for a girl and guy to practically fuck eachother on the middle of the dance floor. 
I'm just so angry i was doing a whole fb rant, spesh after seeing that the whole gay marriage issue is trending on fb it inspired me to write.Well halfway through a fb rant i realised i would not have room so thats why i came on here. I'm still going to say roughly the same thing...but just more in depth..really from the heart. 
Well like the title reads love is love, and another thing i can tell you without a doubt it is love is all you need, im not putting the idea forward i'm stating it as a fact. Love brings everything good, hate is what does the opposite. So why is it..in a world where we a meant to be fighting so hard for love and peace do people push love away just because its between two people of the same sex. Seriously?. Some people need to learn to be strong and stand up for what is right, What is the worst that can happen if two gay people get together and then maybe even get married? will the world end? no. will you die? no. will pigs fly? maybe, but that would be science.  Just because i am not a lesbian (very tempted to trust me)but just because i'm not...does not mean that i will not stand up for my gay friends and in fact anyone who is being picked on for something that makes them who they are. This is where people need to start learning, because they cant seem to see that people just crave for others to accept them. Trust me there are many guys i wish were not gay, because then i could marry them...they all have incredible hearts, but at the same time, i would not change them for the world, they are beautiful and incredible and i love every single one of them. Some people seem to think that just because they are straight means that they are not aloud to stand up for gay rights...this is wrong and please i am begging you use this to make a change and start now. I don't understand what is so wrong with being gay...i mean how could you turn down Johnny Depp or Ryan Gosling, and for men i guess someone like Megan Fox but at the end of the day. it's life...everyone has a right to be happy, they deserve it.
Words hurt, it took me a year to get my friend to a point where he is 'ok' with telling people his gay...it took constant conversations ending with 'Look i love you and i still will even if you are gay, and so will all of your true friends.' only for all trust to be broken with things a few people saying horrible homophobic words to him...now i feel awful, and all my work is undone, he's right back at square one, he wont even hold his boyfriends hand in public.It makes me really sad, just really sad.
This world needs love to survive, so that means people need to start accepting others as they are...i hope with this blog i make a 'homophobic' person think differently. This needs to change it really does. We need a martin luther king but in the gay world that would be perfect! someone who really changes it, it upsets me that i could never do much about this, because 'i'm not gay i cant speak from experence' just as i would like to do a whole anti racism thing to bring that up to scratch..'but im not black so i cant do that either.' Just please everyone try and understand this blog. Thank you. 
Love is love. love is beautiful, love is true, and it should be aloud regardless of anything anyone may think.  xxxxxx

:most likely to be continued

Veggie Enchiladas

I'm sorry again for total lack of blogs, i actually started writing them but then had to leave to do something else and never got to finish, i cant believe you are all still so dedicated to me :) Thank you.! I really am grateful for it :)

 So on saturday i was staying round my friend hannahs house with Alice as she's moving to Spain on friday so we wanted to have one last night all together before she left. Literally had a really good night for the first time in ages, I've been really struggling with being around people right now and would rather lock myself in my room for hours than do anything else but i found that night to be actually ok. I hated going into tesco to buy munchies so instead decided it was ok to act like a total retard to try and make myself feel better...i have this huge hate for food right now. I am lucky with Hannah is a super good cook and reallly knows how to make good food. Well she was suggesting we should have enchiladas for dinner and im so stupid i actually had to ask what that was, and because im veggie i couldnt eat the normal recipe...So instead of adding meat to mine we added butterbeans and mushrooms instead. It actually looked amazing, smelt fantastic and for the bit that i ate was fantastic..I just literally couldnt eat much because of the calories and fat within it. Definatly try swapping! even if you are not veggie because it's really good....! :) 

I am so totally in love with peppers though, i'm literally obsessed with them they are actually one of my favourite foods. This picture on the right...oh my gosh i think i could have eaten the whole plate had they not been needed to make food for four people. They are super healthy and taste fantastic and i love how they all taste different just because of their color.. I wanted a picture of the peppers the second they were chopped,,and was being so fussy about it it was unreal, this picture is not my face but i think foodwise the peppers look most yummy here which is why i picked it. 

Well apart from that it was good just to have a good night, my hangups over the food were not particularly helpful, but then at the same time, i do just want to loose a few stone then i will be happy,i hate my body right now. We got to sit and just talk about anything and everything and you cannot realise how much i actually needed that. We even got to sleep at a normal time haha, i can't believe that...normally we are up all night and never sleep! and if you add how much i have trouble sleeping in for me to be able to go to sleep earlyish was really good! 
I had a good night, a really good night, i love being around people that make me happy. :)

A modern day titanic

Ok, well yesterday i was out with my beautiful sister Alice in Romford on our way to my friend Hannah's house and my mom sent me a message saying that there had been an accident off the coast of Italy and a cruise ship was sinking. At first i couldn't believe it, literally couldn't, there was no part of my mind that could grasp the fact that exactly 100 years from the Titanic this other cruise ship was going down too. Instantly i wanted to burst into tears my heart was aching because i wanted to be there and be helping the people stuck on board that boat, i hate boats, with a passion for this exact reason....drowning is one of my worst fears along with burning to death, they are two extremes, but also two ways in which i would find the worst to die.  But i wanted to be there, i wanted to help..I don't know what my problem is, i think i must be stupid or something or just pathetic but whenever something like this happens..war, the 9/11, plane crashes, boat crashes etc...i could cry for hours, over something that is really, nothing to do with me. So this blog, I'm going to try and make it a good one to help people overcome the tragic thing that has happened. I really do pray that everyone that got out of that ship can find a piece of mind and strength to get over what has happened, and i also hope that the families whom are still waiting for news on their missing loved ones will hear the news they want to hear as soon as possible. I hope that those who are trapped, lost, missing or whatever, well i hope that they are found safe and that they can recover well enough to lead as much of a normal life as they can...and as for the ones that couldnt be saved...well i hope they found peace..i pray there was no suffering that it was simply a simple as falling asleep. 

When i got home from my friends house and yard (i have to go back again soon so im trying to get my blog updates written up!) my nanna showed me the picture in the newspaper and literally my heart jumped into my throat, and i just wanted to cry all over again I've never...in my lifetime seen anything like it. The headlines grab you and pull you in for all the wrong reasons, not for the good reasons that you would want to read '38 MISSING LAST NIGHT AND THREE DEAD AS CRUISE SHIP FLIPS ON SIDE' my gosh it really is awful. The pictures, are so full of emotion, the looks on peoples faces is enough to make any normal human being feel something within the heart a certain sadness that comes with fear and loss, even without being there. I just really wanted to write a blog about this as its affected me alot, i wanted to write and dedicated to everyone who has been hurt, maimed or killed by the events that happened.
For everyone whom is reading and has been affected by the sinking of Costa Concordia, i wish you peace, love, strength..i wish you happiness and i wish you hope. I believe that as a nation we will pull though something like this, it's the only time sadly that everyone works together 
'we must realise, that a change can only come, when we stand together as one'
That quote i totally love it and its so important to me, i believe that in the case of this sinking that is why there are so many survivors because so many people have banded together to try and help. 

All my love. Your all beautiful my wonderful readers. I wish you a beautiful day. Love you all.

My new jacket has arrived

Ok everyone so i'm sorry for the total lack of blogs recently. Honestly, i have been struggling alot, and i want my blog to inspire and not trigger which means leaving many of my bad day out, i will write about a few hopefully you will see then it's ok to be weak sometimes..if you want more updates on how i am then follow me on instagram my name on there is dancingthrulife thats a private account so its easy to hide it from certain people, i put alot on there.  I'm trying to keep this blog going by adding something everyday, it's just with me, everything comes from the heart so if im not feeling it, i wont be able to write it..however tonight i will be skyping with one of my best friends who inspired all my other blogs and tomorrow i get to spend some time with two of my bestest friends so i think...the blogs should pick up over this weekend! :)
Well back in December i went to London to visit a horse show called Olympia which i can assure you, is heaven if you are into horses, litterally like a dream come true, and i ordered this jacket there that was embodied with my name and my loan horse's (show) name, but because they had had so many orders it meant we would not be getting our jackets till the new year. My jacket came today! Ah oh my gosh i am just so excited and happy about that it really is beautiful and despite what some people may think, i know its totally worth the money. Emma gave it to me and i freaked out so bad i wanted to cry, literally wanted to cry and it took all my effort to not do so! I actually dont know what will happen to it, either i wont want to take it off (which was the case when i first put it on) or, i wont actually want to wear it to the yard because i wouldnt want it getting dirty.. so thats me flying between ideas haha oh dear, well the picture on the back actually looks a little like Eddie which i think makes it better..
No one who has never had a loan horse will know what i mean when i say that Eddie is very special, youll get a loan horse or pony and they will teach you alot, and with teaching you, the carve a huge space within your heart and place a little of themselves within you. Well this horse, has taught me what friendship and trust is about, he taught me love, he taught me who i was...and helped improve my horsey knowledge (okay well with Emma's help) but if he were not there i would not have had a horse to learn from. He's certainly given me alot more knowledge of hoof treatments, and food supplements, and tack, and the proper care of it. and how weather can affect horses big time...spesh if you are out in an open field, on a happy, excited horses....I think that, the experience of a loan, for a first horse is certainly much better, theres more pleasure behind it, because ive had an incredible horsey person and lucky for me friend by my side the entire time. I know that in the years to come i could go on to loan hundreds of horses (ok prob not that many lol) get shares, and even full ownership and im not ever, gonna forget Eddie, ever...

I'm so lucky, just so lucky. I just wish i was feeling better because it means im not really spending as much time as i used to down the yard and with the horses, i know that in their own way they are helping me recover though, i will  just rather groom a horse or cuddle up than i would ride...(another reason i know im ill haha) but when i get better...yeah  :)

Dream Like New York

Well i'm sorry that i didn't get much more of my blog finished the other day but i literally got home from sorting the horses out and by the time i was out of my stinking riding stuff i was so tired i was passed out on the sofa. Because i have so much trouble sleeping, it means that i will normally go a week or so without sleeping then i will just sleep for an entire day or more, i hate it. I hate even more the fact no medication seems to help. Well anyway, there was another blog i wanted to write two days ago that i never got around to so, i really need to get it done now.
As all of my readers know music is a huge part of my life and i actually have pages at the back of my journal where i will hear music and think of a thought, feeling or emotion straight away, well i will write it down, so i know what music i should listen to in whatever situation i am in to make me feel better. Well there is this song i discovered recently which is totally amazing and instantly make me think just about my future. I cried a little when i first heard it, but only because i found the lyrics to be just so beautiful. 

So the lyrics for this song just inspire me so much, they explain life, they make you realise what life is. I love how Tyrone explains that so many dreams come and go, because many people will have a plan of something they want to do, and when they loose that dream they give up and think that there is no other dream that could ever possibly come to them, i love this song it gives hope, it shows its OK to change you mind and go down a different path. This song gives such an important message...most of all with this verse.

How many times have u tried and failed?
Have you watched your dreams slip away?
Well every hero falls and every soldier crawls.
And every dreamer dreams again
Got to dream again

And that message is to never give up and never give in because everyone, no matter how strong they are will fall at some point, even those who say they don't. I used to be one of them, i used to say i would never cry and i didn't care when i hurt myself because i was scared of letting people know that i was weak...well i hope this song teaches you also not to be weak and afraid. I just really wanted to share this song with you guys and i really hope you can take something from it like i managed to.
Man i cannot wait to learn this on guitar! xxxx :)

So many dreams come and go
We blink our eyes
Time flies by we don't know
Whatever happened to those childhood years
When we thought we could fly
We got to keep those dreams alive

And dream like New York
As high as the skyline
Aim for the stars above those city lights
I want to dream like New York
I'm running down Broadway
I got to catch the next train
I'm making my way

Race to work again today
From nine to five
I only strive to stay awake
But the child inside me
Dares to believe I still can fly
Can't let those dreams just die

I got to dream like New York
As high as the skyline
Aim for the stars above those city lights
I want to dream like New York
I'm running down Broadway
I got to catch the next train
I'm making my way

How many times have u tried and failed?
Have you watched your dreams slip away?
Well every hero falls and every soldier crawls.
And every dreamer dreams again
Got to dream again

Go on and dream like New York
As high as the skylines
Aim for the stars above those city lights
Go on and dream like New York
Run on down Broadway
Catch the next train
Go make your way

Go on and dream like NY
As high as the skyline
Aim for the stars above those city lights
You got to dream like NY
Run on down Broadway
Catch the next train
Go make your way
Go make your way
Go make your way

The real cost of horses

Ok guys, well this blog i was meaning to do yesterday, but um...i was busy all day, and with that trying to stop myself passing out, i felt so ill and lighthead and urgh....I got home from the stables about about 6 and literally passed out completely...i've just woke up all covered in a blanket on the sofa haha...  First of all all...I'VE LOST 8 POUNDS THIS PAST WEEK! so i know thats not really a big deal but for me that is super amazing, i got up, weighed myself and cried with happiness. I'm still feeling a little crappy but hey i dont care the scales have made me happy :) I think today im generally gonna have as my special slob day...im so tired right now its unreal. I mean, ill have to go down the stables today, horses do not take care of themselves and Emma has a uni interview YAYAYAY but then i think im actually gonna come home and be a total slob face.
Well i actually have two blogs to write that i was going to do yesterday. im gonna do the horsey based one first because this is generally just an update one and not one i am going to get tearful over like i will the other that will be coming from the heart.
So yesterday I decided that i was going to do a little trip up to ingatestone again, so i a could get the horses a few bits. Emma had work so she couldnt come, but gave me a list of things she needed...i have nothing better to do so im just gonna write about the expense of horses. Emma is one of the the most dedicated horse owners i know, she really is, and as i am loaning Eddie off her i get to see exactly how much it can cost.  I know that i have gone to ingatestone before with her and she has spent hundreds, just on sorting her horses (she has two) our with boots and the rugs they need for winter....I mean, Eddie is still growing Emma does one HELL of alot, so i practically forced her to let me pay for a heavyweight turnout and waffle rug, that was in what october time? maybe even november...and he's already outgrowing them. I'm happy i got a loan before jumping straight in with buying and having to do it all myself, i never knew how many rugs they needed and how many overreach boots they would get though, its actually stupid, most of all caz. Emma was like 'could you get me a pair of overreachers for Caz please?..i could swear we bought her two pairs only a couple of weeks ago lol..i think just before the new year...and Eddie can be as bad sometimes!  As for the amount of food that they get though its just insane, Cariad is such a fusspot and will only use the garlic stable lick, so yesterday i asked Emma if i bought her one of them could Eddie have Caz's other paddock lick that she won't really touch...which of course was ok. Bless Caz, the second i put it in her stable she was so happy she whinnied,  i don't think anyone can understand the endless amounts of love i have for that pony too! 
Oh but horses cost insane amounts of money, its out of this world...so please think before you get one..i am so lucky to have Emma there every step of the way. Loaning a horse...is like owning a horse BUT the difference is, you are not going at it alone, you dont have to worry about bills, you dont have to spend all your time at the yard, you can learn, without worrying about your own horse. I mean, Emma has always told me i'm alloud down the yard whenever i like to spend time with Eddie and for that i am eternally grateful..not many loan agreements work out like that... 
I'm not the best one to give info but if you get in touch with somewhere like Redwings they will be more than happy to help, it makes me sad seeing horses in homes where even if they are loved more than anything, they are not cared for how the should be because of money..im lucky becuase Emma's horses are immaculate, but there are thousands out there that are not.
PS: In this blog i would also like to say i got the Pippa Funnel autobiography finally :) im so happy, she is my horse idol and i have been DYING for that book since forever.  :) x

&& When you have nothing left, i'll still love you...

Four people, four people i have in my life who i literally dont think i would be able to function without, my sister, my best friends and twinnie, the reasons i breathe and have hope, the people i can turn to though anything and no matter what is going on within my heart and head. This is blog is dedicated to you guys. 

Alice: My beautiful sister, i am so truly blessed to say that you are my best friend and that i have you in my life you are there for me though thick and thin, even when you don't have time for yourself you have time for me, your the kind of friendship i can be 100% around, i could literally walk around your house in my pj's dragging a duvet and you would not bat an eyelid because Katie would most likely be following behind....You would just laugh and say how much i fit in with your family. You are the person that has sat there when ive been at my lowest, when i tried to kill myself you were there, up the hospital till all hours even though you had college in the morning...Remember that night i was in a state and crying so much, and you held me tight till i fell asleep and only then let yourself sleep, even though you ended up going to college yet again on one hour of sleep. Your a brilliant photographer and you give me all these photoshoots where i actually look ok (i promise one day when im beautiful i will let you do a shoot and get some BEAUTIFUL photos) I literally could not live without you, your such a huge part of me it's unreal, i cannot even start to think about what i would do if i lost you. I would be a mess, i would die i know that for a fact. I love how there is not one thing you do not know about me, you literally know everything and still love me...and that, is one of the many reasons I love you! Alice thank you so much your incredible :) <3

Jenna: oh hell i miss you so bad it's actually unreal! how dare the world be so horrible and keep us apart so long? oh twinnie i miss you so much, i really really do. I don't think there is one day that goes by where i do not think of you and all of the wonderful memories we shared, I'll never forget how we used to sit up all night and talk about changing the world and healing people and we would want that so bad we would end up crying, in tears but at the same time so happy to have found someone to share our heads with... I miss how i never stopped laughing with you, how people would stare, i miss singing happiness in cologne station, we need to stop! wait no! we dont, it's too much fun i dont care what people think. Remember NYE 2010 and me being completely smashed and running out your house barefoot in the snow screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSHNI!!!!!Thank you, thank you for putting up with me for hours on end and not giving up on me where other people prob would have, it means so much, i think i met you, in the middle of one of the hardest periods of my life, and we still became twins....I just have so many memories i cannot write them all down...When we both tried to run into starbucks and feel though the door hitting our heads together, laughing SO loud on all the rides at movie park even the non funny ones, the train rides, your teacher loving me soooo much,my german,my singing wicked in german, your granny being like 'oh no' whenever we came in the room..HAIR DYE....I MISS YOU SO MUCH and i love you, get back in my life please twinnie, thanks. x

Emma: Smellypoobum! I guess that i love you...even though you are a bully and bully me and your horses. Oh and Hayley, and Jodie, and everyone, mean! ;p Why am i friends with you? Ha no seriously Emma you are incredible and i really am blessed to have you as my friend, i know we have not known eachother long in comparison to Alice and Jenna but is still love you just the same, you gave me my dream of having my loan horse i always wanted. You helped me to learn so much, you sat there no matter how frustrating i was. YOU NEVER GAVE UP ON ME..thank you for that, im getting so much more confident now so thank you. Your horses literally are so lucky to have you, as am i, and Hayley, and Jodie and Debbie and literally everyone else down at the yard, and actually everywhere! You are an incredible rider and i LOVE watching you with the horses, most of all Cariad, you look at one with her, something i dont think i will ever be ;P Thank you for making me laugh when i was feeling down, for acting stupid on trains in the middle of London, and to have your nan and Hannah sitting there like 'oh.my.god do i even know them' and just how whenever i am out with you its like a play date with a 5 year old, i can complete be my childish self, unfortunately for Hannah if she is with us because she ends up looking after us... ;P Our 'food storage' never failed to make me laugh...and i love your squeals when i bring you chocolate...oh but i dont like the whole thing where you put bright red lipstick on then chase me round boots trying to kiss me!! I love your way to comfort me so beautiful, me:' so yeah he said im a slut how the hell does that work?' you:' you are a slut your my slut...' and then when we decided we were gonna get married, i actually think Vicky's mum was about to crash the car haha! I love how we are 'special' and that there is noone like us, :P i love how we talk about stupid things like retards the entire time. I love you and your heart, thank you for being a part of my life. BUTTERBUM <3

and last but not least Courtney, for staying up with me the entire night last night, thats basically why you are on this blog because you dont realise how much that picked my mood up, ok the fact i have STILL not slept makes me feel like im dying but haha was totally worth it! Thank you for making me laugh! even if i did wake people up..that you for making me realise how important 'hettie' was pahahahahaha *creasing up again*  GAH i just love you, i cant believe that even though we were close, we never really got to sit and chat until last night. I dont reallly know what to say because i need to get to know you better but your already on this blog.. SCORE! heheh ;) I have not felt that understood in forever, that you for making me realise that its not just me men are complete arseholes with, it makes me feel so much better, so much you cannot even understand. Thank you for helping me rediscover my love for finding new music...actually thats the reason i'm writing this blog, so Alice,Jenna and Emma all have you to thank for this, so, i have one problem... WE DONT HAVE A PICTURE TOGETHER!!! we need one, soon asap please...i feel this blog is missing a sock without our photo on it!!!!

But all four of you i love you guys to death
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qomnSLpcpIs
Heres a little gift for you all
Hope you like it xxxxx 

We just go on......

Ok, so for those who havnt read my previous blog, about the wonderful chats with my beautiful friend Courtney you are not going to know what i'm talking about when i say we have been up the entire night (it's nearly 6am here in England!) talking letting out all our stress and worries and talking about everything and anything, and we got onto the subject of music, something that really for both of us is our lives, I very much rely on music when i'm having a bad day, and i know Courtney does too because she tells me enough when i tell her about my latest music obsession. Well we have literally just been sending back and forth music and ive sent her stuff and been like 'oh ive sent that to 'insert name here' and she if she knows them knows exactly why i sent it to them *ahem* Roshni... and with me sending her Dream like new york (and incredible song i will blog about asap! i need to get back to motivating you guys who are so loyal and read my blog everyday!) Ok wait i'm loosing track of myself again, again lol, i need to get back to this blog, and what i want to say this time, by the way i am sorry for the amount of blogs ive been doing recently i have just had even more to say than normal and with my big gob i can't keep most of it in! ok. im really going to write the real blog right now.  Well she just asked me if i had heard of a song called 'We just go on' by Pixie Lott...I hadn't so she basically sent me the link and told me to listen to it. and just oh my gosh you guys! This song sums me up perfectly right now, every thought and every feeling it was like it was coming out in this song, i love how she always end with 'we just go on' it made me think really deeply because after all we do that don't we? We don't have a choice but to go on with our lives regardless of what happens in them, you can't put life on hold, despite how much i have wanted to do that recently, you can turn back time, you just go on and thats the only thing to do, I just thought that i would share this song with you because i am so obsessed :)  Just go on guys because you'll be better for it, you'll become a better person a strong one....:) 

What happens when the water runs away?
What happens when the sunlight starts to fade?
What happens when I love you comes to late?
When things go wrong, we just go on
What happens when you got no more to give?
What happens when there's nothing left to live for?
What happens when the one you love is not the one you're with
When things go wrong, we just go on

No ones scared of flying, were just scared of crashing down
No ones scared of falling, were just scared to hit the ground
Even if your heart gets broke, you're stronger then you'll ever know
When things go wrong, we just go on

What happens when your best is not enough?

What happens when your soul mate is already in love?
How you meant to pick the pieces up
When things go wrong, we just go on

No ones scared of flying, were just scared of crashing down
No ones scared of falling, were just scared to hit the ground
Even if your heart gets broke, you're stronger then you'll ever know
When things go wrong we just go on
We don't need much, much of anything no
Just the hope of what tomorrow brings [x2]

What happens when your lucky numbers wrong?
What happens when you lose someone you've always counted on?
What happens when it feels like life's just stringing you along?
When things go wrong, we just go on
When things go wrong, we just go on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr_DyQxRWVc

Insomnia and Seesaw mindgames

Right now, i'm sitting up not able to sleep yet again and my mind is playing retard games with me, like one minute im super excited for all the travel i have planned for the future, but then the next minute i'm crying over things that happened in the past and dwelling on problems with people that are quite honestly not worth bothering about, but yet i still do it... 
'VIKKIE FORGET REGRET OR LIFE IS YOURS TO MISS DON'T FORGET IT!'
I never normally will actually talk about it, and i'll sit there crying to myself and when i go at it alone, i never get anywhere...I've never ever been good about talk about my feelings to people, never, and even more so when i am hurting...thats how people know i'm not ok, i'm quiet and i am never ever quiet normally..heres a person who will sing top of her lungs and dance to queen on the train and not give a toss who was listening.literally. I will dance everywhere not caring less what looks i get..so when i'm quiet...something is wrong. Saying that i am good at the line 'oh yeah i'm fine, i'm just tired', very very good at pulling that line, and its only ever my good friends who turn around and say i dont believe you.
Well tonight i'm basically doing an all nighter, i dont want to be but i know already its going to be heading that way like it or not, and like i said in my previous blog, my friend (the ones who's blog i wrote about go follow her people) Courtney, is normally up doing all nighters aswell, so alot of the time its a matter of we get to talk, and moan and rant to eachother. Courtney is someone i have always been able to talk to regardless, but never open up to as much as i did today...i don't even know how that started we just got talking on a level where everything that was getting to us started coming out. Oh we've been talking about men, we've been talking about friendships and most of all we have been trying to work out the way our brains function so crazy sometimes, the best bit is she totally understood how i feel sometimes and thats something that i dont think anyone (but maybe alice on some level) has done before. Even when i have seen doctors, they cannot seem to understand how i can say one thing and then say something meaning the complete opposite and still mean them both. Well courtney does and thats why i actually adore her...i mean like i can try to explain it to you guys but i know you wont understand.. it's situations like we love someone to death and cannot imagine life without them in it, thanking god for them each day, but at the same time actually strongly disliking that person and wishing you had never met them......yeah...see told you you wouldnt understand us.....
So right now we are both up at 3am in the morning literally crying with laughter over some of the retarded things that would go on if we met up...like knowing in us we would get emotional in starbucks and spend the entire day in there, hugging and crying like complete losers. I love this girl. Here is true friendship.

I want to travel the world

Ok, so tonight i was bored and didnt have a clue what to do with my time, i'm just sitting up in my room, literally with nothing to do and i'm bored as hell. She told me to blog so i guess thats what i'm just gonna do, now as you can see from my previous blog i'm not feeling to great right now, I'm fine, don't get me wrong i mean i have my butterfly there is no choice but to be fine..but i don't know...hmmm 
Well this morning when i woke up i must have spent hours on end writing and drawing in my journal and part of it was i made a list of the countries i want to visit more than anything in this world, and i mean, i want to be able to end my life if i live it long saying i've seen the entire world but if i cant do that then i at least want to get these places in as they are up the top.
So basically the ones that are ticked are the ones that i have already been to and already visited, it gets me super excited to think i still have all of these amazing places to go, and trust me when i say, i will get there and i will visit all of these places even if it takes me forever.
I have this incredible friend called Alice and she is literally my best best friend in the entire planet and thankfully, she has got this crazy travel bug too :) She also is Irish, so that just gives us an excuse to visit there, and we are both OBSESSED with Norway (another thing that should be happening soon, photography week in Norway :)) and of course, the pictures will be on here..i think my blog would be never ending over the time im in Norway, or at least, it would be when i got home for a few weeks. I've got alot of places on that list that also not many people would really consider, like the countries where the whole place is in poverty, but the are the ones that need people to visit the most, and they are also, the countries that i know i will find the most beautiful.
Iceland is another place i have recently become obsessed with since this morning when i saw a blog about it on here, i randomly came across it when i was looking for new blogs to follow and fell head over heels in love with the pictures...So yeah... 
Basically if there is anyone who has been to these countries could you let me know a little about your experiences please :)

Not being able to say goodbye

Why? 
Why is it that i still want to know regardless of how much you make me feel dead inside, regardless of how much you hurt me so often 24/7. Having you in my life makes everything a billion times worse, and what angers me even more is the fact ive had the courage to say goodbye to everyone who hurts me apart from you. I'm so stupid, why i do that i don't know.
In every way i am coming so so far with everything and im feeling so great about it, but then this is one of the small things that is holding me up. I love being able to write here, because i know for a FACT you will not see it. As much as i sit here saying i know i need you out of my life, i actually dont have the guts to do it, and the thought of it makes me feel sick to the stomach.
I wish i could walk away and say to myself that its not working no more, and that this relationship brings me nothing but hurt and tears, but you know what i can't....I've known you for so long now, you are a PART of me, and even though i don't want to 'offically' be with you, i hate to see you with another girl...it gets me so jealous it's unreal. I hate that feeling, it makes me hate myself for feeling a feeling that is horrible and not pure and good about someone. I will go on your facebook and look at pictures of her, wondering what it is about her that makes you so happy and what i did wrong...all i have ever done is love you and be there for you.
Friendships and relationships are incredible, they change us so much for the good and for the better and i know that i am constantly learning from everything that happens, but from this i really am getting nothing but hurt. I'd admit that in a heartbeat but not to you, not to your face. I want you to be happy of course i do, and i want to be happy but im scared of loosing you from my life because i actually dont think i could live without you. 
I need someone to come along and block and delete you in all ways possible, you asked me a few days back, was i ok and that i was acting like an idiot. that hurt, but then i guess its true, you didnt even wait for an answer though. 
I need so much strength for this, im coming so far with all my other problems, it's just this one thats getting in the way...

Courtney Cox

Ok, this post is something I've been meaning to do for the past few days and i just never got around to it in typical Vikkie fashion...I have this friend called Courtney and like me she likes to write alot, espesh when she is down and feeling low, and becuase of this, because her blogs always come from the heart, they are really deep and filled with emotion. I mean, when someone first starts a blog it's normally hard to get promotion for it..to get it up and running, so i thought i would give her a heads up on here so you can all go and check her out!
Courtney is a super good friend of mine and i mean, she's another one, yet again like me that sometimes no matter how tired she is pshyically, emotionally her mind will not let her sleep, so it means we get to be up talking to eachother for hours on end at stupid oclock in the morning...hence why we have actually become pretty good friends. 
I just..i read her blog and would never have thought it came from a 19 year old's mouth, such knowlage and wisdom, its just incredible, i am so blessed to have her in my life, just before writing this i was actually sitting reading her whole blog the entire way though and some of it made me cry, some of it made me laugh and most of all it helped me understand life. Courtney is always saying how much i change her life, well if you could read the things she writes you will see why she changes my life!!! 
Just yeah :) you should totally check it out :) I have a huge feeling her blog is going to do very well, so be the first to see it ;) 
Love to you all

http://courtneysimagination.blogspot.com/

My New Tattoo

Well yesterday i woke up, feeling mega down, and realised that as i would normally do in my 'down situations' i wanted to cut again. It really is an addiction an evil addiction. I'm worried that coming off that and my eating problem will start again but anyway, i actually went to harm myself when i saw my butterflies, barely there, nearly faded, drawn upon my arm and i  realised yet again, thanks to the wonderful butterfly project that self harming was not going to do anything but hurt others around me. Then i realised something, that these butterflies i had drawn on myself were not going to last forever and they would fade regardless of if i like it or not then i would need to draw them on again, the thing that scared the crap out of me was the fact of, what if i need to cut, have no butterflies and no pen? ,because i know that, for a fact, i would go back to cutting..i know myself well enough to know that. I wanted a tattoo of a butterfly and also the letters TWLOHA done on my arm, sometime in the near future, i was going to get it once i was totally over my self harm but i thought, the butterfly project works? So why not make the most of it and get the butterfly done now, whilst it will have a chance to also do the job it was put there to do, so, in the future i could look back at that one tattoo and think about, not just what i overcome but what that little tattoo overcome. A friend of mine is totally against tattoos but when i told him why i was getting this one and what it's meaning was he actually offered to give me the money if i needed it so i could get it done how i wanted, thankfully my nanna helped me out there so i was able to say no thank you.
I did originally want my tattoo on my left arm however my arm is so badly scarred that it was impossible,i mean i have my scars there from when i went really deep and tried to kill myself so i'm gonna get something else there late maybe. I did though, have room to get it done on my other arm so thats what i decided, i'm gonna add the picture up here so you can see what i mean but i want to use this blog to explain each and every single part and reason to why i got this tattoo...:)

A very beautiful but equally swollen arm and tattoo :)

So the colors, well they are incredible and i did want red and orange in it aswell but i have a ballet tattoo on my right foot that reads 'to dance is to live' and the little red hearts around them have gone all raised and stupid looking (turns out i react to the red ink) so therefore red and orange (comes from red) ink are out... :( but they man who done my tattoo was really helpful and helped me sort out other colors that actually look pretty much the same but have no red or orange so i was perfectly happy. The reasons for getting so many bright colors is because i believe that rainbows remind people of happiness and good feelings, it's crazy because rainbows come out in the rain, but for me, they make me think of just the sun on a beautiful blue clear day.  I also thought it would be a good idea as i have many friends whom i class as my butterflies...and they are gay, and i thought that it would show something for them...and a few of them SH because they have been bullied about being gay...on my instgram account i follow this incredible girl and she is bullied something crazy just because of her sexuality and it gets me so fucked off....ok i cannot understand how they would not want to marry Johnny Depp or Ryan Gosling, because quite honestly i would die if that happened, die with happiness, but it does not mean that they are not alloud to live their life the way they want to. Also when i was at school, there was a group formed called the rainbow nation, and that stood for anti racism well, whenever i see colors like this, i that too, the colors are also anti racism. All the things that make me feel good are those colors..aka; standing up for what is right.  At first i was really debating getting such a colorful tattoo because ive never done it before but im so glad i did because i am head over heels in love with it. THe butterfly itself is in mid flight, i believe that shows freedom, beauty and hope, it flies away with all bad feeling then when it settles again it brings back growth, power and change. It also, like the butterfly project taught me, represents incredible people in my life who love me or want me to get better. They are with me always i am so blessed to have them. The letters written at the side... T.W.L.O.H.A stand for To Write Love On Her Arms which is yet another incredible charity dedicated to helping girls to overcome self harm and depression and any kind of mental illness. I am obsessed. please please google them and check out their site because they are simply awesome.
This tattoo, for me it means so much, I'll have moments where i regret getting it because it means i cant cut, but then i think about the future and what one little bit of ink put into my arm has done for me and i smile.  :) 
All of my tattoos and piercings have been done by the same place Finishing Touches...i seriously recommend them, that are brilliant, spesh if you are scared or not knowing what to expect. :)
Thanks for reading :)  Thank you followers for so many hits even though ive not promoted recently :) Xxx

THANK YOU!

Hell yeah over 5000 hits, so that means about a 1000 in less than a month!
Thank you so much this means alot to me, it also means alot all the beautiful messages i get from all my readers all over the world. 
Please like i have said before never hesitate to contact me if you have a particular thing you want me to write about, ill get to it asap... i do promos on my terms though, so if you wants me to turn round and write about amazing you are just because you tell me to do it, the chance is i wont.. my writing comes from the heart. 
Thank you so much to the people who have got me to this number and have took what i said really on  board and are now using it to better their lives and the lives of others in this huge crazy world we live in.
Just thank you so much :)
xx.dancing.thru.life.xx@googlemail.com
twitter- xGreenSpiritx
instagram - dancingthrulife

Fern Greenwell

Hey guys, so i know i write about music ALOT and that at least every month im bigging up some singer songwriter i found randomly on you tube but this is someone who i feel it's really important to write about. I did want to do it ages ago but she's only just recently and finally got a you tube account for all of her wonderful work. Because i was in a performance company for three years, and because i have done so many young american workshops and various other shows and concerts...i have met many singer songwriters, and ok maybe its becuase ive never really heard any of their own work but oh my gosh, this girl is the most, incredible singer songwriter i have ever met in my entire life time, i literally am obsessed with her music and would buy her album if she made one ever. She has such a beautiful and pure fresh sound, she is like online with some of my favourite singers like Emily Maguire, and Laura Marling, Lissie, Ali Moss, and trust me, i danced to Ali Moss for my end of year dance exam lyrical style this really is my favourite kind of music.it's normally so hard for me to pick a favourite.
Basically i wanted to talk about the person in question first. Now Fern is so incredible in many ways, we are very much alike in the form of she seems to have an accident daily, I mean i thought i was the only one who could be walking around on broken toe on both feet (thanks horses), and then because of cooking soup falling over the door frame (no i dont know how i managed it either) skidding into to worktop headfirst and then setting fire to myself, all within five minutes, and i literally came in and saw a link for her you tube account on my friends page and was sitting laughing because she really is one of the only other people i know who would manage something that epic.But funny stuff aside she's got an incredible heart and is a very strong and inspirational woman for me. I first met her in i think like 2009 though a friend, and i found that i could actually talk to her and it was ok..despite the fact i had never actually met her at this point.  Well i then i actually got to meet her in 2010, and i had been going on and on that i wanted her to sing for me and she actually at end of workshop did just that. She has this song called roots and ooh my god i am obsessed with it literally obsessed...it's incredible but yeah...she actually has never music on her channel now which is perfect :)
Please everyone check her out and pass on the link for me because this girl REALLY does deserve your time and space and effort, she really is just incredible, i consider myself honoured i got to meet her.
This is her you tube page 
http://www.youtube.com/user/ferngreenwell?feature=g-all-lik
and twitter so no excuses get following!! :P 
https://twitter.com/#!/f_gullygreen
Thank you :)

Together we will fight

Dear cancer, your a bitch, you are possible one of the worst forms of a curse that could ever be put upon a person and their family. Who do you think you are? You tear families apart, break hearts, and most of all you kill, and always, even if you dont manage it you give someone such a fight that it makes them ill in other ways.
I hate the word hate, more than any other word i think it's vile, and no matter how bad a person is to me, i NEVER hate, but your not a person, nor are you something good in any way...words cannot even begin to describe how much i hate you, even though just having hate running though my blood makes me feel ill. 
You know you have taken many people from me, the youngest 21, do you not know how much hurt you cause day in, day out on a regular basis?  I mean this is just my life i'm talking about, if you include the rest of this world the trouble you cause alone is astronomical.
Well on this day 7 years ago you took away the most important man in my life. you took away my grandad, you took away my father, my uncle, my brother, my friend...my best friend, that was and still is everything to me and no matter how much you ate away at his body, you will never change who i remember him as. You even took away any hope of getting to say goodbye in the chapel of rest because within a day of killing him you had eaten away at his already weak and fragile body so much that he was unrecognisable, like someone whom had been pulled out from under the wheels of a train.
Every year people say this is going to be the year we finally defeat you and im not giving up yet, im keeping hope there, because i fully believe one day it will come, good always overcomes evil..and what goes around comes around it's only fair with the amount of lives youve destroyed that you will get destroyed at some point to. I pissed about in school like a complete retard, but the one science i did really well in was biology so im now spending time learning about the different forms you come in, the prevention, and cures, i will help towards fighting cancer. You have been the cause of death for EVERYONE in my family for as long as, and before i could even remember, you almost took my mum when i was about 3 years old, your pure evil. 
Don't think we won't overcome you because we will, and we will become stronger together with it.

Megan Tibbits

safest place in the world

That moment of your life, where you miss someone, wish they were there with you so much. 
I miss Megan, she gave me faith. 

Oh and guys check this out she has this incredible talent, simply AMAZING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Dof0Xl6wqo

gah! I was wailing over this the other day :) 

7 years.

Dear Grandad 
I can't believe it's been seven years, I can't believe you have been gone for that amount of time and that this earth has carried on regardless without you. Its 2:15am i remember this time 7 years ago being home ill as hell in bed, with the rest of my family gathered around YOUR bed, praying, praying for a Miracle and that god would give you another chance. I was sitting on my bed not sleeping, just waiting, waiting for the call, i knew it was going to be today, this date, i dont know why i just knew it...When the phonecall did come, i didn't even cry, i guess i really was so prepared inside for this. It was weird, really weird, you had been in hospital since september and SO many times had we been called up to say goodbye to you, everytime you fought back. The one time i couldnt be there was the time you had to say goodbye.  I remember the day before... you were out of it, lying on that hospital bed, when suddenly you opened your eyes as if you really were looking at something and said 'No mum no, not yet, i can't go to the party yet i'm waiting for Shelia' why is it that before people die they always talk about a party?  I dont know, but i know your mum was there that day to take you, and you refused until your little sister got there. You always were so stubborn! I guess thats where i get it from!.. 
Oh grandad i'm sorry i never cried at your funeral, i was numb, literally so numb, and even though i was 12, everyone around me was falling apart and i had to stay strong for them, you understand? i was not that i didnt love you, because i can promise i love you with all my heart and i always will, i just couldnt cry, i had to be the strong one because nobody else had the strength then. Trust me i'm making up for it with the tears now, i can barley breathe, i can hardly see and i have a lump in my throat that feels like a watermelon, im trying not to cry out loud because ill wake mum up.
I'm scared, i'm scared because everyday i forget i little more about you, i cant remember what you sounded like, i can barely remember your smell...im scared, what do i do when I have nothing left? I don't think i can take that.
Grandad i sound so stupid, i'm sorry, i'm such a failure, i cant even see for crying, i have to stop after every word, im sorry im still having trouble accepting your passing. Im sorry i still think of you each day, they say if you love someone let them go, i love you, i really do i just can't..i cant let go yet..I'm sorry..
To say you were my grandfather does not even come close, you are and always will my my dad too, because you were there for me more than he ever was, you are my role model for men, you taught me the right from wrong, you were the one who taught me to swim, and ride a bike, and be a child. You picked me up when i fell over and helped me keep going, you kissed my knee better when i fell over. YOU WERE AMAZING...they always say that heaven takes the best, it needs to best so it can be a place full of beauty, peace and everything incredible, you know, i know thats why god planned for you to go home then.
I'm sorry, i hope you can't see me now, because i look so stupid, my heart is actually hurting. I miss you so much. I would have taken anything, and gone through anything to take your pain away. I'll never forget one night when the doctors thought they were going to loose you and i was standing singing to you, holding your hand, i cried and as i done that a single tear rolled down your cheek im sorry i upset you i didnt mean to. I'm sorry when i held your hand i made you bleed, i know the doctors said that was the cancer eating away but it didnt make it easier.
The day before you died, the priest came to give you the last rights, that was the only over time you woke a little..you said the lords prayer with me, i love you, thank you i love you.
I'm going to make you proud and i hope you see that, your my hero and i love you, and i hope youll be with me when i walk down the alise, i want you, not my dad, YOU...I know youll be there, you never let me down, never, thats why i love you so much.  I'm gonna get myself better, and then im going to help people and travel all over the world and change lives and heal people, i'll do it for you, and just like the lion king taught me, i know you will be living on inside me.
I met this Young American named Megan last fall, and she helped me understand things better, she helped me to find forgiveness and to try and start the healing process, so i don't know, but i think thanks to her i'll get there. Please ask god to bless her family and look over her and protect her ok? I know she wont even remember me now, but i can assure you i will never forget her. i trust you to look after her for me. When she goes though something hard be there for her, hold her hand, send her my love, let her know how much she means to me. Oh grandad when her life is over...oh dear i think you'll need to be restrained because anyone who helped me you always hugged, if every minute made up my life, and what she had changed, you would be there forever.
So please today, i wrote a song for you, im going to take my gituar to where your ashes were scattered and sing for you, and then i have to go down and muck out two very smelly horses, she please don't cause too much havoc with the weather ok? I know what your like silly! Thanks to the hail storm you gave me yesterday Caz reared up in my face and galloped off...!!! it's dangerous, im a kltuz on my own i dont need help ;)
Anyway I love you, and you are within my heart always. You were an important part of the circle of life, and you helped me, through despair and hope, through faith and love, so help me now to stay on the path unwinding yes? oh man i actually need to stop talking about lion king sorry, you never had a tail..
Heres a little gift for you....  

Death is nothing at all
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my own familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Canon Henry Scott-Holland, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral (1847 - 1918)

Oh and grandad? give god a cookies so you can borrow his laptop a little longer, and read my post about your dash...because you lived yours incredibly!

R.I.P 11.02.1935-04.01.2005

Live your dash

I never normally am a one for posting things on here that i have no written myself as i use tumblr for that, but i felt this i had to becuase it simply is incredible and something perfect to bring you into the new year... :) 

“I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth and spoke the following date with tears. But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth. And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth. For it matters not how much we own; the cars, the house, the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our “dash.” So think about this long and hard…are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough to consider what’s true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger and show appreciation more, and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before. If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile, remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy’s being read with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they about how you lived your dash?”

—	How Do You Live Your ‘Dash’? - Anonymous (via liveyourdash-)

The butterfly project

they Ok, here goes, a blog that i have been debating so much over the past couple of days and my head has literally been doing this retarded seesaw action, but i felt that, it's ok....and that by writing this i will do more good than what i could ever do harm. First of all i want to tell all my readers that what i disclose in this blog, well just please do not worry about me, i am fine and well and i am getting help, so don't worry about me...i just found such STRENGTH from this project that i needed to share it.  I dont need you to email me asking if you  can be there, because of course THANK YOU SO MUCH for being supportive and i know some of my regular readers will email me after reading this but please instead take this blog and give it to others, help spread the word. 
So i have severe depression, and other things that basically centre around that one thing, it's complicated so i'm not even gonna bother going there, it confuses me and ive been dealing with this since i was 12 (im nearly 20). One main aspect of my illness is that i self harm, and by self harm i  mean that there has been recently quite a few hospital trips, because i had done so much damage, i simply couldnt leave it, it was impossible to leave it how it was.  So for anyone reading this who self harms and is looking for a way out of it (as in getting better!!!) then please, i am begging you keep reading and try this method, because i was at a stage where i hurt myself without realising i was doing it i was that addicted, it was kinda like i went into a trance state. I tried all the methods the doctors give...ice cubes, rubber bands..phoning friends, i actually have scars from the rubber band one where i used to ping them so hard that i caused damage...so please trust me, i know exactly what you are going though. For people who have never experienced self harm, i hope this blog helps you to realise that not all SH cases are in fact attettion seeking cases, because if it were, i would have been bogging about it 24/7 and i haven't have i? and i can assure you, people who know me and who read this...so many of them will be shocked because i hide it. ive done it so long, i know how...please by this try to help people who self harm not put them down, and you know what? they way i look at it, even those people that cut, take pictures and put it n the Internet, they need help too! they are crying for it! so instead of turning your back how about helping them? This blog is the hardest blog i have ever written in my entire life, never have i been so open over a blog... but anyway, now after explaining, i will tell you what the butterfly project is....i first found it on my instagram account (my name is dancingthrulife ) so if you have it you can look at some of the pics there, THERE ARE NO TRIGGER PICS I CAN PROMISE.
The butterfly project, is about helping people over coming self harm, by using nothing simply but love, and you know what? I'm crying now writing this..i think because it's hard for me for a start, and then the fact that its just done so much for me already. 

1. When you want to self harm, draw a butterfly on your body
2. name it after someone who loves you and/or wants you to get better
3. Allow that butterfly to fade naturally, no scrubbing
4. If you self harm while you have a butterfly on you, you kill it ( if you have more than one, then self harm kills them all.)
5. Realize that by hurting yourself, you hurt others, the ones that care about you aswell .

Just guys...it sounds stupid, i mean, my friend sent me the picture link and i read it and laughed because i was like, how the hell can drawing a stupid picture on your arm stop you hurting yourself? but nonetheless i was desperate so i gave it a go, well i currently have five butterflies on me... Emma (my friend who i ride with, a best friend), Alice (my best friend/ sister), Helen (whom inspires me greatly', Roshni (the light in my life) and Gwen and incredible young woman who really has touched my heart in so many ways....Everytime i wanted to self harm instead of taking a knife to my arm, i instead took a pen and drew....ive no room now but today for example, i wanted to cut, i was hurting one hell of alot, i went so far as to go and get a bread knife, then i looked down and saw the name 'Roshni' at first then all the others..all the people, all the lives i affect by my behaviour, and it hurt, and was SO SO SO hard, i cannot stress it is hard but i put that knife back and didnt touch my arm. It seems silly but for me butterflies represent freedom, and i know that  they do for alot of people, they represent YOUR FREEDOM and the freedom of the people you care about.  and then with the names and the thought of killing a free fluttering bug and also damaging your friends/loved ones heart.... it really really does make you think...please....please just try this, and you can ask people who have been there the entire time ive been going through all that above and they will tell you that i have tried to kill myself, many times and many times i have tried to quit SH and not been able to, well for the first time thanks to this project i have hope. 
And beautiful people, you can all do this, if I can do this, then i know you all can too, just please give it a try, and dont worry too much if you self harm with a butterfly, dont beat yourself up over it. its ok to have knockbacks just as long as its clean and safe, draw the butterfly back on again and say...i'm going to protect you now, im sorry but this is gonna work this time, even if you have to do that for months, you get to a point where it starts to sink in...just please try it, i mean it does not solve all my problems, literally just my SH but its helped beyond measure, so please please, just give it a go ok? Thank you. 
'it's ok to say youve got a weak spot, you dont always have to be on top, better to be hated, than loved loved loved for what your not'

http://www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=148

PS: another thing i have also done, as they will not be on my arm always is to draw all my butterflies in my journal i carry with me 24.7 so where ever i go
i am reminded :) The pics are on instagram. Lets use the start of a new year to get better!!! lets lower the self harm and suicide rate!!!!!!