Depression

I want to tell you all a story,a story that yes may seem majorly undramatic, but i want to get the story across. I have suffered from depression in the past, and i wanted to write what it was like so the non-sufferers could maybe..,just maybe...see where i was coming from...as like the million of others who suffer from this horrible illness...
Imagine living in a world where it is constantly cloudy, do you know one of those days where you wake up and can't stand the look of the sky, it looks ugly, un-forgiving, empty and gray, like something that could suck life away....Well one of those cloudy days....Imagine that all the time...yeah it's not a nice image is it?
I don't know what exactly caused my depression to start..i have an idea..a few things that happened around the age of twelve, i lost someone very close to me and at the same time was not being treated right by someone whom i thought i could trust, and i think, well i know in my heart that i want it to stay just that way on this blog, the thought of it getting to personal scares me to death... It was hard, and i shrunk back into myself...my friends saw that i was getting down, they saw my heart sinking..and they saw that i was struggling..the more they tried to help me, the more i run in the opposite direction, to me, everything was just making this cloud bigger, it meant i had to run fast...away...
I know right now you are finding that hard to understand, i mean on one of those days where the sun is so bright in the sky that you cannot even look up without being blinded...how can THAT be horrible and cloudy, and i quite honestly cannot explain anymore...its hard..unless you have been there.
But i do know more than ever that depression is real and here in this world, it sickens me how little is known about it....I have a friend, who has a very serious and bad form of depression, and a few days ago, she tried to kill herself...when she was taken to the hospital...they treated her like fucking shit, just because her wounds were self inflicted...she's had way too much vodka, and her arms and legs were covered in cuts...many of them deep...they just did not care and left her sitting for hours...when she did get seen it was with no respect whatsoever....YES i know that maybe compared to other people she didn't seem 'important' but surely there must have been something pretty huge to be going on in her head to make her even get to that stage, it should be about helping people like this...no pushing them away and making them feel worse...
It's wrong, really wrong, if a lesbian were to walk in, and say she had fallen doing something and seriously hit her head...well it would be like the hospital saying...'I'm sorry you can just wait over there for hours because your a lesbian, and they treat her like the plague when the DO treat her..' but you know what? if they done that, it would be done for homophobia...how comes for mental issues everything is so different? Its fucking bullshit.!
I'm not saying its the fault of the staff really, what i AM saying is that they are not educated enough, my bests friends mom is trying to do a campaign to raise awareness in hospitals about mental health issues, saying that all A&E nurses should have some form of mental training. I am asking you all please to help as much as you can, i will keep you posted on here with any updates..
Depression is really not fun, and its not something that people just fake either...no one and i mean no one can fake being down for that long, and no one would permanently scar their body without reason...
Its about time awareness was raised about this situation

thank you for reading.

My best friend

So today i had planned to meet up and go for a walk with one of my best friends Alice, but after having a really bad night the previous evening i was certainly debating going, not because i didnt want to see my friend, but simply because i felt so shit and low, and didn't think there was any point. However,i then remembered how Alice is like a clone of me, i decided to go anyway, as she always makes me laugh..and makes me feel better about myself...she understands me to such a depth its crazy! So i pulled myself out of bed, had a quick was and threw on a hoodie and a pair of jeggings..i really did not care about anything, i just made sure i had a little bit of make up on, with a face as ugly as mine i fucking need it!
I got my nanna to drop me off at her house and then we made our way over to this beautiful country park near her home...I love it there..i mean really love it, because it's just so beautiful and just so peaceful...it gave us a chance to catch up and talk about life..it gave me a chance to get everything off my chest and out into the open, with someone who does not judge me and listens to what i have to say. We got walking and actually didn't realise how far out we had gone, and like retards, when we got to the end of the pathway we were following, instead of going back, we decided to just carry on walking and go up another path of which we had never been down before... It was wonderful walking there, as it was so quiet....so so so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop...the sun was in the sky and the gentle breeze was blowing so i was perfectly comfortable...after walking for about another 10mins we came to another cross road which branched off in three ways...thinking we could be adventurous...when knowing our luck is a bad idea, we decided to cut off the path an walk though this beautiful corn field...when we got to the other side though we realised there was nothing there except for this small country road, which none of us had seen before or recognised....So we turned back on ourselves and made our way back to the cross road..from there we actually got lost...again..totally and utterly lost...and even after about another hour when i DID find an area of park i recognised, it was flooded so we had to go another way...only then did i realise i had my beautiful iphone in my pocket and we used that to get us back on the main road...soaking wet, feet in agony and covered in mud...we made our way into hornchurch for coffee, and i actually dread to think what people must have thought when we walked in!
I actually loved every moment of today...because at start i was literally on the brink of suicide, and thank you to my beautiful best friend i have managed to get my head to much clearer and better place..for now..i love how every laugh and joke just comes natural because we both have the minds of five year olds..!
Ah anyway :) I'm going to shut up now...please check out this site!!! We plan on doing a hug mission of this around here asap ...! :) www.operationbeautiful.com

Run away or take a risk?

What do you do when you love someone but are to afraid to tell them?
When there is every chance of something actually happening between you both,you flirt and banter all the time when together... but then at the same time you feel scared because you dont want to loose that friendship? When its someone who is like a brother to you...and you have looked upon them as that way for such a long time...then is it wrong..? is it like dating a member of your family? I don't know.
I want to spend a day with you and sit alone together under the beautiful sun and speak the words my heart so desperately wants to say. When i first met you i didnt look upon you as anything other than a friend or even at that time only as a 'potential' friend. But then i got to know you, and found out what a beautiful person you were inside and out. I confided in you and told you my deepest secrets, you took them with compassion and love unlike anything i have ever seen come from a straight guy before. You broke down the wall around my heart and help me to love again, even if sometimes it had to hurt in the end, you were always there to help comfort me, heal me and help pick me back up again. Your love cured me in ways that i never even thought possible, and i keep wondering all the time if we were together then would i be able to make an even better person of myself?
I adore you, in fact i actually love you with ALL my heart,to have you would be a dream come ture in so many ways just..im so scared to even tell you that, because i dont want to have to deal with the consequences if you do not fell the same way, Im scared i'll fuck it all up like i normally do...
I'm standing now on the edge and i need to decide if i want to run away and be safe or jump and take a risk...and it's the hardest decision ever.

save me from this road im on....

'Jesus take the wheel take it from my hands, cuz i can't do this on my own, i'm letting go so give me one more chance save me from this road i'm on, Jesus take the wheel.'
I've just been sitting here listening to the wonderful Carrie Underwood and all her music and albums, and Jesus take the wheel came on..it got me thinking...even if i don't really believe in Jesus and God, that sometimes maybe the thing we need to do is to just stand up and let fate and destiny lead us on the right path. The past week for me has been so hard, and i've been breaking down in tears alot and not being able to cope with my heart and my feelings. I'm learning that some things are really hard, but at the same time you learn more and more everyday who the people are that you simply need in your life to survive, ive been trying to kid myself that i dont need no one but i dont think that is true. Friendship to me is so important. Sometimes i do stupid things, and risk breaking that relationship, which to me, means more than any 'proper' relationship with a man would..even if it WAS Johnny Depp (i can dream..and pray...and really pray) ;) but..i think, when im down and sad...i forget that, and just do things without thinking about the other persons feelings and how that could affect them. I never ever mean to hurt someone and the thought that i do always makes me mad at myself, when its someone who means the world to you its even harder. I just sometimes don't imagine myself living without certain people in my life, and the fact that ive pushed them away out of my own doing hurts me so deeply.
I also learnt that alcohol is not a good mix with depressive moods and feelings, I've learnt the VERY hard way that it generally fucks everything up. Thats the reason ive been like this for the past week, what hurts the most is knowing that you cannot change what happens in the past even if you want it more than anything else in the world. I went to a party to other day and didnt drink, whereas normally i would not have thought twice, one event, has literally changed EVERYTHING for me. Listening to Jesus take the wheel, i think just helped me to remember that i cannot changed things that have happened, and the fact i do not know what the future will holds for me. I need to just keep holding on and trying...i believe that destiny and fate will save me....

Starting with goodbye

I think that more than anything in this world. letting go, is one of the hardest things to do, in any way, shape or form, in the past two weeks, my whole life has changed..I've changed, I've HAD to change. First of all i left college, being in education had been all ive known, i didn't take a year out at any point and the thought of being without this (ok annoying and frustrating) but secure atmosphere scares the crap out of me. I used to always think, its ok, i can just go to college i dont have to worry about MY future, now it's changing, and its something out of my control. Being out of control is something i hate the most.

I'm learning fast that my destructive relationship with myself is also ruining my relationships i have with others. I know i need to learn to love myself, but at the end of the day, that is simply not going to happen. So therefore, I'm learning from THAT, that i maybe now need to let people go to stop them from getting hurt by me. I hate the thought of me hurting anyone, just as much as i hate the word hate, i just think that word is not worthy of being used about anything that has the potential to be beautiful (thats everything btw)The only thing this world should hate IS hate....It hurts me like fucking crazy because the people i am talking about mean more to me than life itself, but then its better to love something and let it go, than to keep holding on and getting nothing good out of it.

It's the same with my dancing, i think now i need to accept that in the real world away from the security of college, i would epically fail as a dancer, if i'm performing in the west end and refuse to wear a costume because i look to fat it would not go down well at all. I also know, because im not one of these 6ft tall girls who weighs 5 stone i would get told im not the right body shape for a dancer, and considering i already have problems with stuff like that, i dont think its a good idea to go down that road. I want to take my diploma though, and use it to help and change other peoples lives instead, i want to prove to the world that ANYONE can dance, it shouldn't just be about the rich being able to...now ive left college i know i wont be taking dance classes for a long time because i simply just dont have the money, it angers me that dancing is very much about that all the time.

I know i can help people, i really believe that i can help anyone and i don't give a fuck that people may disagree with me, i want to help people so thats all that matters, im learning to do that, and to move on with my life, i have to make sacrifices, i have to say goodbye..yes it will hurt, i will cry...yes sometimes it will break every fibre of my being, but letting go i guess it a part of life....its just learning to let go....just a step at a time letting go.

Everything you love in life is like a bird, it should be free, but if it comes back to you then you know it is yours to keep :)

Jazzfest deutschland 2011

So this previous weekend that has just gone, has been perhaps the most beautiful and the best of my life. When my twinnie said i would love jazz fest, i never really imagined i would love it as much as i really did. From the very second i got off the plane and stepped onto German soil i was complete, even more so when i saw my German family. I didn't really think my heart could be more full and so filled to bursting with love and happiness. Then i went to Jazzfest, oh my gosh, i've never been to a place where i felt i fitted in so well. Every single person there was an individual and everything there to buy was different, i didn't have enough pairs of eyes to look at everything...i kept getting told i looked like a pretty little fairy and ok, the pretty bit was maybe abit fucked...i think everyone had one too many to drink..! But the whole fairy thing made me smile so much :) i actually loved that. One of the best moments i think was sitting on the grass in the sunshine, drinking cocktails, smoking a cigarette with the people you love the most by your side. The wonderful moments, walking from stall to stall, barefoot, the freedom, the pure magic of being in the most beautiful place in the world. The music, oh my gosh the music, people playing on African style drums and just sitting crosslegged on the floor with a guitar singing...its everything i am,and everything i want to be for my entire life. I cant believe that its all over now for another year. Despite the fact i spent 200 euros in two days (opps) i had the best time of my life, and i could have quite easily stayed there forever, even with no facebook, Internet or phones....and i got some amazing, beautiful and very unique things for my friends. :)

peace x

What is hope?

What is hope..? Hope is something that keeps you going though everything, a light that glimmers, and keeps flickering, even when it seems the world has run out of oxygen to breathe in.

Hope is something that whispers in your ear, one more time, when you fall to knees and loose courage for what you always believed in.

Hope is powerful, it keeps us clinging on, when any other time we would have given up without a thought to it's future impact.

Hope is something that makes us fight for what we want, it makes us human. It helps us to learn that mistakes are necessary if you are going to grow at all.

Hope is something that keeps us believing there will be a better day, that this world will change and one day everyone and everything will live as one.

Hope is something that makes us so passionate about the things we love, and makes us want to go out and pursue our dreams and help others achieve theirs.
Hope makes the world go around.

Hope is like a bird

Flying free

Endlessly swooping into the hearts of those who need her...

Hope is you ...

So this is something i wrote for a friend or more a sister of mine, but i actually think she hates me now, i wrote it in a book about a week ago and was going to send it to her, but i think just here is a better idea :)

home time

Tomorrow i am off to Germany again and i actually don't think i could be happier. Germany really does make me happy, i love everything about that beautiful country and i do not care what people think or say about that.

I cannot wait to be back in a country where the sun shines even when its winter and rain is pouring down, because of the people, and the culture, it warms my heart and makes me feel so amazing. I cannot believe i am only going for three days this time and ok so that totally sucks but i guess i should be happy that i am going at all.

I'm so freaking out over tomorrow, i hate planes, i mean i love flying, but i really dont like this danger factor that comes with it, i always have a little freak out, spesh on landing and take off...but i'd do it everyday if i had to just to see Germany. i am so excited. no doubt a huge blog will follow on my arrival back in England.

same sex marraige

Ok so i was just randomly browsing tumblr today and everything and came across this awesome picture asking people how can same sex marriage be wrong, when all over the world there are really fucked up things going on with what is classed as 'real' marriage. I might not be gay, and i might not have any gay friends that are married or want to be married...BUT..i do have gay friends so i can understand how something like this can affect people. I don't understand how this world can be all about being equal when people cannot get married just because they are in love with someone of the same sex.

About a month ago i was outside in my (mess of, thanks to my dog) garden with my sister, and she told me she was gay, I've literally never been so shocked in my life, becuase she is one of the last people on earth i would have ever said to be gay...literally...but at the end of the day i actually didn't give a fuck, because i love her so greatly till the ends of this earth,I'd die for her... nothing will change that..I still hugged her alot and managed to sleep in the same bed as her...and it was ok, i felt safe because i knew her heart, i knew i was safe around her. This is a perfect example of what i'm trying to get across..she is my sister regardless, and all i want is for her to be happy in life...it hurts alot to think that she may now have problems, just becuase of what her feelings are like inside...to have someone i am SO CLOSE to that is gay, it's made me so much more passionate about it.

One of my guy friends...he is SO gay its actually hilarious, and he don't try to hide it...i love him for that, and the only thing that upsets him and gets him down is when people judge him just because he is gay. Why should he have to feel that and have to go though that? because its really not fair on him...

I found out a few weeks ago that an ex of mine was now going out with a guy, and it hurt me so much because i thought it was me that made him gay, but like my sister said to me over the phone, he was already gay and i was nothing to do with that..it helped me accept it...and now it just makes me so mad, that he had to live in a world where he felt he had to hide who he was.

I personally would not do that, because i know i have friends who will accept me, and if people don't they can fuck off, if i was gay, or bi sexual, or a transvestite or a alien, or a spy...or WHATEVER i would just say it...

It's not fair that people have to try and be something they are not, just so they don't have to go though they heartache of being treated like shit..spesh guys, i know some people won't agree with me but i really do think its harder for them than what it is girls.

just from this blog want to get the point across, i want nothing but the best for my friends, and i couldnt give a fuck who they are or what they are. how can THEY...and their LIFE be thrown away..its out of order and its not fair.

Just sayin.

Horizons Performance Company

Ok so i was just looking at my blog and realised the last time i actually updated this thing was nearly a month ago, sooo therefore im gonna do it now..:)
The past month has actually been totally crazy, I've just this second finished college, (yesterday evening i got to perform in my last show) and the weeks building up to it have literally killed me, in a way, yes i admit that i am happy that its all over, but i know that, thats only because of everything that is going on in my personal life right now, and college really did stress me out like crazy. Then in another way, I'm actually totally gutted, i got home and cried for ages yesterday, some of the friends i made there, have become some of my best friends, i don't know exactly how im supposed to survive as of this fall with not seeing them everyday and most of them going off to uni, which is so far away and i will most likley not see any of them again. Also the fact i now really do have to grow up, i seriously need to think about my future and what exactly i am going to do with it..all i have done for the past three years, is danced, performed and singed my way though everything and now thats gone.
Words cannot even begin to describe the huge part of me thats sad, the bit that crushes the relief of leaving in one easy punch. What hurts more is knowing that im not gonna be able to dance like that again ever, its simply too expensive to carry on that amount of dance classes outside,,,
Moving on and goodbyes really do hurt like a bitch.
Horizons Performance Comapny, you have given me so much, and it pisses me off that i could not have given more in the final year, i hate my self for it.. I shall back upon my time here with pride and with a smile upon my face.
2008 -2011 'Keep on thinking that it's not goodbye, keep on thinking its a time to fly'