I think my blog is going to unfortunatly take most of the impact of that because i simply have nothing else i can be doing. I have tried everything to go to sleep and it just has not come,urgh. So now, I'm sitting here, getting high on sugar via the wonderful drink Ribina... So tonight was pretty much one of the only nights this week that i needed to sleep, tomorrow i am doing the horses for Emma (morning) then getting coffee and seeing a film with my sister (early evening) then early christmas again with my sis (late evening) so not sleeping in gonna mess that whole idea up big time. Right now i literally feel so tired, im actually struggling to keep my eyes open, but when i lie and close my eyes i can't actually sleep. Any tips would be kindly appreciated! I'm seriously think of taking a huge wad of sleeping pills thats how desperate i am right now! oh god i'm rambling! another tired trait of mine! I know for a fact gonna be that im just gonna be moody and irritable now all day, whenever i have gone with no sleep the slightest thing will get me mad...
I think that a main reason for me not to be able to sleep is that i generally just have too much crap on my mind and going on in my head right now. Soooo....i'm gonna do a little vent out of the main things that are bothering me currently. My life right now, in terms of friendships is a complete fucking mess...anyone who knows me, will know i am the most paranoid person at the best of times, and it certainly does not take alot to get me worrying about things and mostly about the fact people are lying to me, trust is a big thing with me, it's a really big deal and once i give someone my trust...well if the break it then it fucks it up for everyone else. A 'friend' of mine, one of the few people i actually trusted to tell about the private things going on in my life, has done nothing more in these past few months than turn my life upside down, when i was first told by everyone, that she was two faced and the couldnt stand her, I couldnt understand why, because i thought she was close to perfect. Well then i saw the REAL person, the person who tries to cut every friendship up, who tells everyone that everyone hates them, just so she can have them to herself, and person who again does that with anything, just so everything is for her only..oh and im a failure and crap, don't forget that part. Well, it's been on my mind one hell of alot, i have to lie, just to not cause trouble and it's retarded, an adult who acts like and causes trouble like a 3 year old....i literally am getting to a point where i cant deal with it no more, and all the time she is making me out to be the bad one, sending me the most stupid texts saying im a horrible person and it just confirms to me what i already know. THEN i get people mad at me for putting myself down. Right now my trust is gone, and i dont know if i'm gonna get that back and if i do, how long its going to take..I'm now getting paranoid about the people who are my best friends and the people that mean the most to me, i think they hate me, and there is only so much of that a person i will take, im suprised i still have them sticking around what with me being so paranoid....ok i actually feel better for venting that out to a computer lol, what im saying with this though s that you shouldnt let people bully you around like i do, it's got to a stage where one person is RUINING my life...and generally annoying and getting in the way of others lives too, as ive been asked about this whole situation before, 'why cant you just stand up to her?', because i'm too scared, because im a coward, because i thought she was one of my best friends, because i cant deal with the shit that will bring. Please don't ever get into that situation, its hell on earth right now.
