I can't believe it's been seven years, I can't believe you have been gone for that amount of time and that this earth has carried on regardless without you. Its 2:15am i remember this time 7 years ago being home ill as hell in bed, with the rest of my family gathered around YOUR bed, praying, praying for a Miracle and that god would give you another chance. I was sitting on my bed not sleeping, just waiting, waiting for the call, i knew it was going to be today, this date, i dont know why i just knew it...When the phonecall did come, i didn't even cry, i guess i really was so prepared inside for this. It was weird, really weird, you had been in hospital since september and SO many times had we been called up to say goodbye to you, everytime you fought back. The one time i couldnt be there was the time you had to say goodbye. I remember the day before... you were out of it, lying on that hospital bed, when suddenly you opened your eyes as if you really were looking at something and said 'No mum no, not yet, i can't go to the party yet i'm waiting for Shelia' why is it that before people die they always talk about a party? I dont know, but i know your mum was there that day to take you, and you refused until your little sister got there. You always were so stubborn! I guess thats where i get it from!..
Oh grandad i'm sorry i never cried at your funeral, i was numb, literally so numb, and even though i was 12, everyone around me was falling apart and i had to stay strong for them, you understand? i was not that i didnt love you, because i can promise i love you with all my heart and i always will, i just couldnt cry, i had to be the strong one because nobody else had the strength then. Trust me i'm making up for it with the tears now, i can barley breathe, i can hardly see and i have a lump in my throat that feels like a watermelon, im trying not to cry out loud because ill wake mum up.
I'm scared, i'm scared because everyday i forget i little more about you, i cant remember what you sounded like, i can barely remember your smell...im scared, what do i do when I have nothing left? I don't think i can take that.
Grandad i sound so stupid, i'm sorry, i'm such a failure, i cant even see for crying, i have to stop after every word, im sorry im still having trouble accepting your passing. Im sorry i still think of you each day, they say if you love someone let them go, i love you, i really do i just can't..i cant let go yet..I'm sorry..
To say you were my grandfather does not even come close, you are and always will my my dad too, because you were there for me more than he ever was, you are my role model for men, you taught me the right from wrong, you were the one who taught me to swim, and ride a bike, and be a child. You picked me up when i fell over and helped me keep going, you kissed my knee better when i fell over. YOU WERE AMAZING...they always say that heaven takes the best, it needs to best so it can be a place full of beauty, peace and everything incredible, you know, i know thats why god planned for you to go home then.
I'm sorry, i hope you can't see me now, because i look so stupid, my heart is actually hurting. I miss you so much. I would have taken anything, and gone through anything to take your pain away. I'll never forget one night when the doctors thought they were going to loose you and i was standing singing to you, holding your hand, i cried and as i done that a single tear rolled down your cheek im sorry i upset you i didnt mean to. I'm sorry when i held your hand i made you bleed, i know the doctors said that was the cancer eating away but it didnt make it easier.
The day before you died, the priest came to give you the last rights, that was the only over time you woke a little..you said the lords prayer with me, i love you, thank you i love you.
I'm going to make you proud and i hope you see that, your my hero and i love you, and i hope youll be with me when i walk down the alise, i want you, not my dad, YOU...I know youll be there, you never let me down, never, thats why i love you so much. I'm gonna get myself better, and then im going to help people and travel all over the world and change lives and heal people, i'll do it for you, and just like the lion king taught me, i know you will be living on inside me.
I met this Young American named Megan last fall, and she helped me understand things better, she helped me to find forgiveness and to try and start the healing process, so i don't know, but i think thanks to her i'll get there. Please ask god to bless her family and look over her and protect her ok? I know she wont even remember me now, but i can assure you i will never forget her. i trust you to look after her for me. When she goes though something hard be there for her, hold her hand, send her my love, let her know how much she means to me. Oh grandad when her life is over...oh dear i think you'll need to be restrained because anyone who helped me you always hugged, if every minute made up my life, and what she had changed, you would be there forever.
So please today, i wrote a song for you, im going to take my gituar to where your ashes were scattered and sing for you, and then i have to go down and muck out two very smelly horses, she please don't cause too much havoc with the weather ok? I know what your like silly! Thanks to the hail storm you gave me yesterday Caz reared up in my face and galloped off...!!! it's dangerous, im a kltuz on my own i dont need help ;)
Anyway I love you, and you are within my heart always. You were an important part of the circle of life, and you helped me, through despair and hope, through faith and love, so help me now to stay on the path unwinding yes? oh man i actually need to stop talking about lion king sorry, you never had a tail..
Heres a little gift for you....
Death is nothing at all
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my own familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
Canon Henry Scott-Holland, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral (1847 - 1918)
