Trust Issues

(dedicated to Sarah)

Trust is something ive never really had, or at least if i do trust someone it takes a long time for me to get to that stage. Then the slightest little thing with me will break that trust..literally the smallest thing..just like breaking a tiny promise, because of things that happened in the past, i've been let down by some people who were meant to be the ones looking after me and caring for me.  I just don't trust... i love the concept of trust and its meaning i think its beautiful but i just can't do it for myself. 
Trust is something i have always found complicated. 

So this blog, i wanted to write just to dedicate to a friend of mine as she is honest to god one of the most supportive women i have ever met in my entire life. I have a deep loathing of myself and trust me when i say she is pretty much perfection...you don't get better than her, i would bet my life on that... I may have taken performing arts in college but ive never been confident at it, which is why i had to give it up..i was ok in a group but put me up there on my own and i would freak. I dont like singing/dancing/making/doing anything on my own for anyone because literally it makes me feel so ashamed of myself that its unreal. Like the only way normally you would get me to do a solo would to be to drag me kicking and screaming and then i would stand and be like 'dude i dont wanna do it'. For the past 6 years i have taken YA workshops as many of you know...or should know should be the word...i go on about the EUfall2010 and UK2006  cast pretty much in every blog i write...(I've just realised that Sarah was not on either of them tours and am now laughing to myself about the fact im going on about Sarah) Ok im confused...i really dont know am i talking about Young Americans or what? Urghhh...MUST.GET.SOME.SLEEP.SOON.

Start again ignore my random ramble... right...anyway every year when i have taken YA workshops i have either taken them barefoot or in my jazz or ballet shoes because to me they are just like a second skin anyway i love them. There is this part called 'dance circle' and the ask people to come in and dance for 8 counts...i refused point blank every year and even tried the whole 'oh im not a dancer these just belong to my friend'...that didnt get me anywhere. But i still REFUSED to even try. In 2010 i travelled up to Grantham to take a workshop there, and at dance circle Roshni dragged me backstage and was like 'IVE KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE 5 YEARS SO DONT YOU TELL ME YOU CANT DANCE JUST GO OUT THERE AND TAP OR SOMETHING!!!' (The YA do not talk like that i promise they are incredible..its just the fact Rosh and I were friends before the YA days) and then she put me on the the dance floor and refused to let me move until i done something...so i basically flipped my feet about doing basic tap stuff being all cocky like 'heheheheh i wont get picked after that SHIT' oh i did...whoever decided to do that in the first place...well....im still mad! Like i said before, put me on a stage with 5 other people and i can go out there and own it...i'll bust it out till i'm dying...teach me some more complicated tap routine in half hour and ill perform it better than 30 seconds of something i already know on my own...Well everytime my mind went blank, when i say i threw my feet...i did..i didnt want to be there, i wasnt happy, i was mad at roshni...i didnt tap..what i done wasnt tap but i STILL heard Sarah saying 'COME ON VIKKIE' and telling me 'THAT WAS AWESOME' even though i knew it was shit and in the actual show...i was SO scared so scared, I looked at Sarah and she mouthed the words 'i love you' and i actually done about 3/4 steps which i didnt manage before before i was like 'crap' and went back to normal...then with all the noise i heard her should 'I LOVE YOU VIKKIE' it gave me strength so much  strength... Even then, she was the only one i trusted after id been picked...she was the one who honestly stopped me from having a mental breakdown on the stage.
Well ok thats one small example and its taken me ages this blog is going to be so LONG i'm sorry.!!!

The main thing there is something i have ALWAYS wanted to do for her for christmas or her birthday and even though i knew her and KNEW she was this incredible person i was too scared to send it to her because of being judged.. (basically im making something for her) Like i said to me Sarah is perfect, i would run though loads of different stories in my head of what would happen when she got it...none of them were good, some were awful. Recently over the year i have got closer to this wonderful girl... it's been me, pretty much letting my walls down and letting her in, it's me being honest with her and not being a total bitch... It's me thinking about my actions affect her...I used to say stuff..I didnt realise how much that made her sad...i didnt realise when she saw my arms that it upset her, i couldnt see that...and i think getting close was just accepting shes a human being too... I also use to  think of her as one of these stereotypical american girls (omg i sound so bad) from the movies who are oh so pretty and the damn well know it, popular, rich, talented, had everything but at the same time was are complete bitches to anyone who is not in their little circle...like nice to your face but behind your back forget it. It took me a LONG while to realise that Sarah could be all of the amazing things and at the same time that heart that beautiful beautiful heart she always gave to every person she met could be there all the time to. Well anyway im currently in the middle of making that gift for her to send this christmas ive planned out so many bits its taken me since june/july time.. but hopefully ill be done soon :) For the first time ever I'm listening to her and my heart not my head and the stupid things that tells me...it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life..ive  cried so much, been SO SO SO scared when ive had to do things to help make the book....i honestly just wanted to put this on here to show that im well trying...im really trying...
Like i am nervous still, i will most likely panic...but im trusting her...im trusting her....
This is the first time in my life i have trusted someone so much so im like..... 'eeeeeeekkkkkkk' . 

Never be afraid to let down walls...be careful and choose carefully who you let in, but once you let a decent friend in... not only can you get a better friendship, but also the confidence within yourself to try new things...You get love..i feel like i have a purpose. It's ok, just think long and hard about who you allow into your heart. k? :)