Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I mean...everything that could go wrong went wrong...I know my blog is normally about giving others advice and helping others out but just this once i need the advice...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love dying? I would think most of you do... and if not your very lucky.Well my nan is a severe sufferer of COPD, i know what that stands for but i can't for the life of me spell it, i guess you can google it if it matters that much. Anyway it basically means her lungs are messed up..big time...this is the one step away from being on oxygen for the rest of her life...Her doctor told her when she was diagnosed a few years back that she had to stop smoking, because now...a cigarette will not just cut an hour or whatever it normally is off her life, it could be cutting days, weeks, months who knows?...Well she has been swearing on my life that she has stopped smoking, she has promised me...hurled abuse at me when i ask her, treated me like scum...and everytime it's always the same thing... 'IM NOT SMOKING JUST SHUT UP' and everytime i find more on her and somehow...'she's not smoking them either' I know smoking is an addiction an i know all to well with my self harm what an addiction feels like, but shes not even trying and its got to a point where i can't deal with it anymore. I said that to her i said i couldnt deal with the upset of finding them on her all the time and the hurt knowing she had swore on my life i lied...the fact she didnt care about anyone else in the family but herself (she even promised my grandad and her husband on his dying bed she would quit)..so she accused me of hating her etc...i turned round and shouted back at her it's not anything but the fact i want you to STOP with the smoking and she flipped and said 'THATS IT IM MOVING OUT YOU DONT WANT ME IF I JUST FUCK OFF FROM YOUR LIFE....' and it made me worse, i was hysterical...i'm not even going to say what happened next because i dropped to one of my low points and ended up doing something silly to myself to try and get her to see how much she was hurting me...that just started more fights. I also found out that my 'brother' (I'll explain in a sec), has known shes been smoking this whole time but does not give a shit about her and lets her kill herself just because he gets fags out it...no for people who think i'm being paranoid i can't be because my mother wouldnt deny thats what he's doing when i mentioned it to her... What do i do? What the heck am i to do? My nan is like another mother to me and i cant deal with this, i really just cannot deal with all of this.... What am i to say to her|? because i've swore to cut my wrists to pieces if i see her smoking before, ive done it in front of her...and she didnt care...ive threatened her, blackmailed her, tried to be nice, screamed at her..nothing...I am going to end up killing myself at this rate just to get away from it all...I can't deal with it...
So for the first time ever i'm asking YOU guys... what do i do?
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