My horse is on the birth control pill???

Quite a while back now i started to notice that my seemingly innocent and spook proof mare had changed... now im not saying shes bombproof..shes only a baby she couldnt be yet but she was AMAZING for a horse so young almost nothing ever bothered her but she was spooking now at the most stupid of things... for example a mud splatter once was enough to send her into a compete panic. I got the dentist out made she her back was ok and got her saddle looked at and i got the same thing 'you've got a mare...HORMONES!
A couple of  months ago her behavior started to become really random i swear she has some form of pony bi polar and it drives me insane until last week were she was TOO dangerous i had gone with her but i phoned my friend for advice and she said yes it was worth calling the vet out.

When the vet came she had to be sedated and have a scan and i was standing by her head practically crying thinking 'my baby is gonna die' But she got the all clear. Whats wrong with her? She's basically an nymphomaniac which is causing her to be in season 24/7 ( which would prob explain her spraying on all mares and geldings, the geese at the lake where i keep her and even my mother.) Letting her have a foal is not an option due to her past... she gets severely over protective and i think a foal would break the trust i have with her. So thank god tomorrow we can ring up insurance and hopefully get some cover... in about 2 months time if her equine pill works then we may be looking towards her having marbles put in her uterus  to save money in the long run and the save her being drugged up. That will make her think shes pregnant so shell just not come into season... Its been three days and already dryer and cleaner, she smells less... shes not spraying all over the place, shes not as rude as she could be and i have more control of her again.. This stuff works wonders! I dont mind her being forward as long as shes prepared to listen to me.

Let's pray i get my hyper nutty but not dangerous pony back soon!

Seeing Lilly again

85 days till i am reunited with this adorable little girl.  

I actually love her, words cannot describe how far i would go to protect her... i mean, i love her entire family like crazy but Lilly is like the most brightest and happiest child to be around. Regardless how your feeling she cheers you right up. I was looking though my laptop today (my main computer i broke haha) and this was one of the few pictures i had already saved to the hard drive. It was taken the day i had to say goodbye to Lilly because Alaina and I were flying on to Nebraska in the morning and of course as much i wanted to, we couldn't take Lilly with us...and Stef (my friend/lilly's mom) asked Lilly to give miss Vikkie a hug goodbye and she came running over threw herself out me and then gave me a kiss... the cutest thing ever. Then you should see her brother and her when they are sitting in the car together laughing over something...if i could record that sound and listen to it forever i actually would. It has the power to turn even the coldest of hearts. 

I just hate that i can never see everyone i want to see, until i actually traveled to America for the first time i didn't quite realize how big the place is and how long it would take to drive from one end of the country to the other, like in England you could do it in a day unless you were my family then it takes you a hour to five minutes down the road. Whilst i'm sitting on that plane with a huge smile on my face for the people im going to see again, i also want to cry because i cant see everyone i saw last year... Im gonna miss Utah and Nebraska and even more so im gonna miss the people i was with when i was there. I sometimes wish money and health were not issues so i could just go and never come back, that would be perfect for me. My problem is i have friends all over the world like Germany, Canada, Spain, Australia, Jamaica etc... so when i say it's an issue it really is there is no way i can do all of them in one go, or even in a year really.

But argh i love little Lilly i cannot wait :)  so worth a nine hour flight

BABY ROUX!!!

One small hand to hold in yours, 
One small face to smile,
One wet kiss as he says "good-night"
One small child.

Catch the moment, put it in your heart 
The years too soon will fly.
These are precious moments,
more than money can buy.

Two small arms to hold you tight, 
Two small feet to run,
Two small eyes full of love for you,
One small son.

Catch the moment and put it in your heart 
and never let it go.
Save it for the years to come
when he, too, will know.

One small hand to hold in his 
One small face to smile.
One small kiss and he says "Good Night"
One small child.




Would like to to say a HUGE congratulations to the wonderful Eleanor and Rob Masters on the birth of their first son... a beautiful healthy baby boy born a 4:15pm on March 22nd weighing 6lbs 0.5oz and answering to the name of Roux.  


So much love for you all xxxxxxxx 

Meow

Dear UK cast of the young americans 2006
I guess i will never ever stop giving you a note like this around this time of year. I cant get you out of my head around this time of year even more so than ever before. I know that tomorrow is gonna be super hard for you all and i know that im super busy tomorrow and i wont get a chance to write this out so i really wanted to do it now.
I want you to know i am still inspired and moved by each and every single one of you every single day. Alot of what i have done in my life is based around what i was taught in that workshop with you. There were ALOT of rumors going around my school that day about what had happened and quite honestly none of them were decent...nobody thought the Young Americans would come and everyone was worrying more about their money getting lost that the loss of a life...most of the students anyway. I know for a fact i never expected you to come, if i lost a close friend then had to do workshop i would run screaming in the opposite direction...i was in my music class when you guys arrived and started unpacking the truck and setting up in the sport hall and whenever a student walked past you gave them a huge smile. Now i dont know what was going on inside your heads at that time but for the students you were happy and carefree...no worries in the world.
When the time came for workshop i was so scared because i thought i would get rejected...My foot came out of cast the day before after getting broken and i seriously thought you guys would take one look and be like 'Uhhmmm go away' i had no trust whatsoever in this 'young americans' thing because i'd never heard of it before. Even my teachers didnt know if i could take workshop. But they asked and you were like 'of course! silly question. I was so scared that day i was shaking...i was almost ready to burst into tears i seriously thought this whole thing would be full of judgement the whole way and how would i ever compare to those skinny, beautiful, 'perfect' girls that were sitting next to me. i remember everything from that day... I remember ashwin being the first YA i ever met asking what i done to my foot,  and mishearing a few time so eventually i get to a point where im like 'you know hoofs? mane?' and i got 'OH A HORSE OH MY GOSH YOUR GONNA LOVE JESS YOU HAVE TO MEET JESS!!!). I remember meeting Jaimie. That alone was enough i don't i'd ever met some so insane before in my life, but she made me smile and she made me laugh and she got me motivated which NEVER normally happens.  I remember Brooke and just randomly talking and her saying how she didnt like birds, and me being like WHAT!!!!!?!?!?!. I remember Kaitlin and happiness and the fact i REALLY did not want to do that number i felt like a complete idiot. I felt so comfortable with that number 10 minutes with you Kaitlin (if your reading this) like nowadays i go so crazy in that number its a surprise i don't break something... ( i also burst HAPPPINESSSS!!!!!!! out on trains when im on the tube in London...im surprised ive not been sectioned doing that).
OH MY GOSH THE LION KING before i met you all lion king was just that, the lion king nothing special what so ever just about a group of lions and cute baby cubs growing up. You just.... WOW you made me see lion king from a totally different point of view and i can tell you now every workshop that ive done ive danced like the 2006 taught me, and with every workshop i throw myself more, when i was in germany... we run lion king a couple of times i threw myself into SO much that sweat was pouring down me at the end, the stick i was dancing with became at one with my body... i saw my whole life in that one dance. I was crying my eyes out even though it wasnt the show. You were the ones to start that. In 2009 when i got to dance with Gweedo's stick... i will never forget that, certainly danced for you that year, for each and every single one of you.
I actually want to mention everyone but i have to leave in 45 minutes so i cant but i know i think of each and every single one of you still i cannot and will not forget you. I love you all so much, even the YA i never actually spoke to and even the YA who i took workshop with and never spoke to again. Shannon, Jess, Alaina i remember you helping me find myself after workshop, once everything was over.

Gweedo, oh how i wish i could have been at the workshop before with all my heart and all my soul i could have given anything, know you were certainly not forgotten and we certainly learnt who you are, Alaina even set the story straight no matter hard it was for her, she got up and told everyone what had happened just to lose the rumors you should be proud... maybe a punch on the shoulder and a meow for her in return?  For years your mom and i have been saying we would meet and it never happened, well i can say that i got the pleasure to go meet her with Alaina last summer, i was so scared on the plane going like 'what if she hates me?!?!?!?!?!' She just cried when she saw us and said over and over i cant believe your here i cant believe im finally meeting you. She drove us home and showed us around the house and then was like but yeah your house too for the next three days... i used to come out the bathroom hair wrapped up in a towel spongebob pj's on, all make up off and go much on food... I love your mom of my gosh i love her so much. AND SHE TOOK ME TO THE ZOO AND I SAW A TURTLE REALLY BIG STYLE!!!!!! Argh and your hometown i fell in love with...mentallly fell in love with i cried when i left and was seriously considering burning my passport, Nebraska is incredible. I got to see Brooke again too which was awesome and yet another thing i was really nervous about, i felt at home even with her your whole family is incredible  we sat in her backyard drinking tea (i was on water trying not to pass out from the heat) just talking about you.

Mommy, Daddy and Brooke, Stay strong and keep holding on today my beautiful fam and know if i could be in Nebraska with you all i would  be there in a second hugging you all till you pass out. I love you all so much. Mommy remember everything i told you? about the things gweedo has done for me even though i never met him....? just because of his incredible friends...think of that tomorrow. Urgh i want to be there so so bad it hurts my heart...keep walking i know you can be strong youve done it before, plus you dealt with me and looked after me for three day and imma handful so you perfect. hugs and love to all  of you.

free

A letter to my beautiful Maddy

Dear Maddy.

I'm writing this now because I know I won't be able to get the words out in a few months time, I know it will hurt so much I won't be able to breathe so I'm gonna do this now.
I can't believe your moving to go study in America girl I remember congratulating you a year ago when you told me you were going and thinking 'hey it's fine we have forever' and now it's coming so fast and it breaks me.
This song I want you to take in you heart wherever you go and whatever you do. I love this song to death and back I'm obsessed in fact, in fact ill sing it too you soon acapella (and I mean soon because ill already cry let alone as the date gets nearer.)

'Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart it's the only way for destiny'

I know today we were sitting talking about how scary it is, and weird it's will be, I don't know my life without you and your starting this whole new one thousands of miles away in America. Know that I know you can make it though. I know you can do it and I know that you can overcome any hurdle that gets put in your way... Even if you ARE to busy eating nando's and fall I know you'll get back up on your feet again.

Like apart from now,just to write this I try not to think about it because I get panicky and upset and I lose all ability to function. Maddy you are one of my best friends, and you always will be

'Nothing will ever change the way I feel'

You know even if you married Johnny depp I would still love you! And that's at first. I guess what I'm trying to say is how sorry I am that I've taken you being here and close to me for granted so much, like the last time I saw you up until tonight was in June, now your going soon and I have to be without you completely and there is know knocking on your door or hugs when I need them any more. I'm sorry I took you for granted will will make the most of the next few months, starting with Friday night!!!

Thank you for being there for me when life had dragged me down to the lowest of the low, thank you for holding me together and never ever giving up on me, thank you for refusing to give up now matter how much I pushed and pushed and tried to close myself away from you. Thank you for talking me out of suicide, thank you for saving my life, and we both know a very personal situation where I mean you DID save my life. Thank you for letting me lean on you when I wasn't strong.

Your such a beautiful, selfless young woman and I love you to death and back and to infinity and beyond I million billion trillion times and more. Remember no matter how far we are I am always on the other end of the phone or you can Facebook me. If worse comes to worse call me and I will find the money somewhere and get on the next flight out and that's a pinky promise.

I have so much more I want to say but I can't put it down in public so I will do you a private note to read on the plane. I love you I love you I love.

What are you waiting for? Spread your wings and soar

Always
Vikkie
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On the path unwinding

“Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.” - The lion king

For anyone who knows me, they will be able to tell you my deep respect for the lion king. In 2006 i took a workshop with a group called The Young Americans for the first time, just before they came to our school to teach us they lost a cast member. THIS was the dance you saw all the emotion pour out in...i don't think i have ever cried like i did then. I was so full of pride even for a group of people i didn't really know  After they had performed the dance for us they told us to split up and find a YA to teach us the dance. Before we learnt anything they sat with us in a circle and we spoke about the meaning of the words and how strong they were, and how when you dance this song your heart goes fully into it.  They taught me it was ok to feel a different emotion every time i danced and if i wanted to cry then i could, i didn't have to be afraid.  Seeing them dance this song for their friend that had died hit me so hard it was unreal suddenly 'the circle of life' and 'he lives in you' had a whole new meaning to which i had never imagined possible before. 

One week after the YA had left to go back to America i was at home with nothing to do so decided to put on the lion king DVD and watch that thorough my new eyes this time. I cried from the start to the very end credit. The movie was now no longer a cartoon but a story of life, hope, courage, loss, fear, death... the story of finding YOUR own place in that circle of life, knowing that the circle of life never stops, it will keep going regardless of what happens 'its the circle of life, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love.'  understanding that things are gonna be ok and you will find you way eventually, but also realising that it's not going to be easy and you are going to have to go though every emotion possible to find yourself. It taught me theres no such thing as gone and as long as you keep a lost loved one within your heart they are ALWAYS alive. Their life has not ended because as long as you carry on for them... THEY LIVE IN YOU.  The cast of the 2006 honestly were the best thing that ever happened to me and my life, even now i can put my hand on my heart and swear that. I have never met a group of people more amazing. It's insane one of the old cast members said to me the other day that i was the strongest person she knew,I've had other YA say that to me a lot too... but what she didn't realise was that my strength i got from her and of course her friends on that tour. 

I've taken a lot of workshops and lion King is always in it and talking about every time would be immensely boring but another time that taught me even more about the lion king was in 2009 and this beautiful (too beautiful it makes me jealous) girl picked me to dance sticks with her, which is basically what it is, a dance with sticks to shadowlands (anyone who has seen the west end/broadway will know how moving that is i cried like a baby). i know that at that point seeing the lion king performed again, add to the fact of my new eyes i saw it though i was in a complete state. The last thing i wanted was for the stick to be shoved in my face and told I'm gonna do this dance which means more eyes will be on me, but anyway i done it...and i'm glad i did. I was taught the meaning behind the dance and song, and looking down at my scar covered arms i knew EXACTLY why she had picked me. The dance was about going though shit and falling to your lowest but getting back up again and fighting...and never forgetting who you are. Theres this move in the dance where you reach up with one hand and then grab you wrist with the other. I know that every time i do that dance i slap my wrist so hard i leave a bruise, not to hurt myself but to let go of all the pain of my past, accept myself and move on to what is my future...i bring all that pain in, look at it briefly then realise its ok to let go and throw it away. Oh man i love her and then when we got back into the main hall she was like 'here i think you would like to dance with this' and handed me a different stick...i just looked at her as if she was on drugs until she pointed out something written in black tape on the side 'GWEEDO', the YA i was talking about in 2006. It gave me unimaginable strength and for me summed up he lives in you perfectly.

This is why i'm writing this now...i just watched lion king again and I've gone from having a crap few days, losing hope to live, to think of this, and the special people lion king has helped me meet and I'm now inspired. 

Until we find our place on the path unwinding...  

On the move again

So here i am back to my old blog, the next one or two posts i am just gonna copy over and then ill start writing again, i cant be bothered to learn how to use wordpress and this is 100% free so i might aswell stay here for now :)

MOVED

MOVED TO


http://andtheworldwillliveasone.wordpress.com/


PLEASE STLL KEEP FOLLOWING ME AND VISITING MY PAGE REGULARLY  :)


love you all xxx

What is meant to be?

Do you know the final destination movies? Well not to that extreme but you know the whole you can't run away from death theme that that follows? Well maybe that's true...people can fight and fight and fight to live but if they are meant to die, if that is what is meant to be wont it happen anyway? It's like when I was in hospital and I the doctors said 10 minutes later and I would have died for sure and still could have died. When my heart went up to 250, the doctors were amazed at how I was still sitting up talking...I think maybe I wasn't meant to die, like I could be ill  and and over again and until god decides I'm not going to be able to go anywhere. Like on those movies, sure they didn't die then but they still all died, because it was THEIR time. 
I've been thinking about things like that alot lately very much so in the whole everything happens for a reason thing. I mean, I always believed that no matter what happened in my life I stuck to it but its the same in in life and death... I keep feeling crap because 'I couldn't even die myself properly that's how much of a failure I am' I wasn't meant to be though maybe that was just the reason. Maybe I've been forced over my life to come face to face with the devil over and over not because god hates me or wants me dead, not because he wants me to suffer but that he KNOWS I can be strong and rise up against everything and stand again, then take that knowledge I learnt and teach it to future generations, so they have someone who can honestly sit there and say.. 'Ive experienced all kinds of abuse, have been on a cocktail of different medication and have been diagnosed at some point with every mental health illness under the sun but I'm here, I'm alive... Yeah I have scars but they are the roadmaps of my life..'. I can teach someone not to be afraid of who they are of what they have done...yeah ok you messed up but it's the best feeling in the world when you start to regulate your emotions again. To be able to recognise fear, love, anger and do something positive about it before any bad can come.

Goodbye 2012

Dear 2012
I can't believe that we are already saying goodbye... I mean I remember this time last year getting ready to bring you into the world and now your leaving. I'm sorry we didn't make a good time of it. 2012 quite honestly has been the worst year of my life... And I didn't think that was possible after the couple of years before that. I'm am PRAYING to whoever is above that 2013 will be better.it has to get better right?
So before you go I wanted to have a little look back and speak about a few of my memories. First of all what went right? Well in February you blessed me with my little baby girl lady...you gave me the best pony a girl could ever wish for. She lifted me up, touched my soul in ways nothing else has ever done before. I am so grateful for her thank you, I can't believe it's coming up to a year for how long I've had her. ummm what else? Thank you for letting me get to experience jazz fest again that was amazing... I will never fail to love Germany. I got to experience my first time in the ever beautiful America. One of the most incredible, different, new, exciting and at the same time most scary times I've had. I got to see friends I had not soon in YEARS and that just made my life. They are all so grown up now... I can't believe it... Stef even has kids!! Thank you for letting England host the London 2012 Olympics. It made me so proud to be British, it was incredible to watch, really amazing to see our country perform something so spectacular. Thank you for all my new friends I've gained... Again for them all I am so grateful.
But, you took a lot of my friends away too didn't you? You caused alot of people to take their own life and you took people away from accident, illness and old age too.. Too much for me this year... To much for me to handle and I kinda fell apart didn't I? I wish that.. I just wish I could have enjoyed you and seen more positive times in you. Oh boy and didn't you cause alot of destruction to the planet? I've literally never seen anything like it before. I turned 20... No longer a teenager argh... I can't believe ill be 21 soon.. Anyway I wish you well I shall not forget you and I will try not to regret you. I will learn from every mistake and painful thing you taught me.
RENT taught me so much can happen in a year and I saw that alot from you.
Here's to a better 525,600 minutes to measured in LOVE.
Caio 2012.
Love Me
X

PS: I'm sorry for this not being as much like my other posts... I'm just too emotional this year... Very raw... I only came out of hospital today... Hopefully my goodbye to 2013 will be full of happiness. :)

Xx

Sandy Hook

First of all before i even start i want to say sorry yet again for being so crap at keeping this thing updated, I've just been very ill recently to the point where i have had to go to the hospital twice and had to stay in too. I urgently wanted to write this blog the day that it happened but i was in so much shock. I was crying a lot, was fuming and quite honestly i didn't know all the facts then...I wanted to be able to write a good dedication without getting anything wrong.  

December 14, 2012... Adam Lanza fatally shot twenty children and six staff  at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. 
One person, that single handedly took 26 innocent lives...lives of people that had a future, that had family and friends that loved them beyond compare. Children no older than seven, children who were meant to have their whole lives ahead of them now lie dead...that whole future taken away by one evil sadistic barstard. Children that could have inspired the world to give up war, stand for world peace and children that could have found the cure to cancers. Gone. Just like that. Mothers etc left without their child..no mother should have to live to see their child die..no one should have to feel that heartbreak. especially in the cold blood of an evil killer... Parents sent their children to school that morning without a thought to what was going to happen, with no idea whatsoever that that would be the last time they ever got to see their child alive. Imagine that? Imagine how awful that must be. To lose your child without even getting a chance of goodbye

• Charlotte Bacon, 6
• Daniel Barden, 7
• Olivia Engel, 6
• Josephine Gay, 7
• Dylan Hockley, 6
• Madeline Hsu, 6
• Catherine Hubbard, 6
• Chase Kowalski, 7
• Jesse Lewis, 6
• Ana Marquez-Greene,6
• James Mattioli, 6
• Grace McDonnell, 6
• Emilie Parker, 6
• Jack Pinto, 6
• Noah Pozner, 6
• Caroline Previdi, 6
• Jessica Rekos, 6
• Avielle Richman, 6
• Benjamin Wheeler, 6
• Allison Wyatt 6

Teachers having to throw themselves before children knowing that this was it...that they wouldn't be coming out, just because their compassion for their job and their love of children is so strong...so strong, they would rather die than let a single child in their care die. They to went to work that morning not knowing what they day would bring of course, but never ever could they have imagined this... so why on earth would they have bothered making sure to say goodbye to all their loved ones..? Their was no point they would be seeing them again that afternoon right? Wrong. Adam took the life of six members of staff that that day. He took away hopes, dreams and futures...With killing the 26 people he did, he destroyed the life of many and broke a million hearts. 

• Rachel D'Avino, 
• Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung, 
• Anne Marie Murphy, 
• Lauren Rousseau, 
• Mary Sherlach, 
• Victoria Soto

No one has the right to take lives away...no one. The only person fit to judge that in any way shape or form is God. This one event has left the world reeling. All messages of prayers and hope being sent to the families and victims of this terrible massacre. There are enough people dying every day so why on earth kill people just for the sake it? most of all when there is children that young involved. It actually makes me feel sick... i feel ill when i think that someone could do that. 

I just pray that all the dead are safe and well in heaven now, that they didn't try to understand...because how could one ever understand? i hope they just went towards the light with  courage in their heart...I can't think of anyone who deserves to be at peace finally than names listed above. I hope they are safe, i hope they are happy. I hope they are whole again and no longer in any pain. For the people left on the earth i hope they find solace in whatever they can find to keep them strong. Be it memories, God, family and friends anything, i know that its going to be impossible to get over, but i hope they find inner peace to a point where they can live their lives again for their loved ones that were lost. I hope the poor children and staff who had to witness their friends dying around them find the strength to carry on...and live though the trauma that has been put upon them.  

This world needs to change and for the better, sooner rather than later.

 (in loving memory of all this lost in the Sandy Hook Elementary School attacks.) 

Travel on a jet plane...far away

more than anything right now i want to be on a jet plane travelling as far away as possible from england and this place I'm living in, i wanna see the world, experience different cultures.. i don't want to be sitting in one place for the rest of my life.  I hate not being out of the country for a while it literally drives me insane. i am honestly a person who could sleep anywhere and live in a suitcase...i would LOVE to get on a random plane not even knowing where I'm going and just explore because thats one of my dreams. Having to get to know the country and the language or getting seriously messed up. This year i was blessed to have gone back to my second home for a long weekend (DEUTSCHLAND) and spend time with my sister there at a jazz festival and ok, normally i spend a lot more time in Germany every year so I'm pretty sad that that was it but it happened. Then i was home for a little while and got to spend two weeks in the beautiful USA (my third home) seeing friends in Utah, Michigan and Nebraska...possibly one of the most amazing trips for me. i want to be there again i want to be away from what I'm meant to call home, this will never be home for me.  2013 bring me new places please. 

That time of the year...

I'm pretty upset right now and it's funny because the first place i have come to is my blog. The one place where i can say what i want (well most of it) without giving a crap about getting judged.  My mom is currently downstairs putting up the christmas tree and i have HAD to take myself away from the situation because with every decoration going up i was reminded of what i didn't have anymore that made christmas real. My granddad. My family are not exactly religious so i don't understand the need to celebrate it now the fact my brother and i are both over 18. All I'm getting from my mom is 'come on this was g'dads favourite time of the year, make the most of it but i can't i just can't. To me now, christmas in my house seems to be about buying presents and receiving presents and of course the general pigging out on shit loads of complete crap which will only make you 10 stone heavier. Ok i admit i like giving a lot, but then i do that 24/7 though out the year, i don't need christmas to be able to do that it's so stupid, i also like the pigging out apart...ok....maybe that bits fun...but working off the extra calories in the new year drives me insane!  

Anyway, when i was younger christmas was MAGICAL and i mean..amazing..my granddad used to hide bells in his pockets all the time and ring them so my brother and I thought Santa was flying above checking we were all behaving..i used to sit by the window with my little faced pressed up against the glass trying to find Santa in the sky. On christmas day my gramps would come into my room, whisper in my ear 'santa's been' then pick me up and give my a fireman's lift down the stairs leaving me in a heap, historically laughing in the middle of my presents. He then took the job of putting everything together or putting batteries in the would have a great time playing with mine and my brothers toys with us with always  the excuse 'i'm just checking there working'

This time pf year now, i just i just want to hibernate in my room and never leave...if it were not for my horse, then knowing in me i would do that.... my horse is an amazing source of strength for me.  

Oh christmas tree the memories you bring ....

update

Been a while since I posted so i wanna give you all an update. First of all I'm sorry for not getting on recently...i've only just started seeing a new doctor in the past few weeks and i guess that has taken a lot out of me...when I've been home I've just wanted to sleep or cry. I will get  there though so no one worry about me I'm fine! My therapy is harder than anything I've ever done before and its scaring me to death even after two weeks that imma have a another 3 months of this left. But i don't know. I have a huge feeling this WILL get me somewhere if i stick with it so it's worth the battle and fight. What i want more than anything is to be able to live a normal life and if that means three months of hell to pay then i think I'm ok with that..getting it out...making a way for a new me for my 21st :)  YAY

Lattes and best friends

If anywhere can get me in this Christmassy mood then it's Starbucks :) red cup and Christmas drink time wooooo!!!!

Imagine one day....

I'm happy i got back into my blogging it's like...already been such a release for me over the past couple of days that its unreal. Here we go back to the 100 posts a month thing i had going on last year and earlier this year.
What this blog is about, is kinda the stuff i wanted to add in my remembrance sunday blog, but i don't know. I feel that it was better to maybe put something like this into a different blog as there leaves more respect for the fallen that way.
So i know some people are gonna read this and think that i'm trying to say we shouldnt go to war and have an army etc... but i would like to stress now that is not what i'm saying. In fact that couldnt be any further from the truth. The purpose of this blog is me trying to understand why we should have the need for army's and war etc.... as in, why can't this world just be a peaceful place to live?
One of my biggest celebrity inspirations has to be John Lennon, i literally have his book...which to me is like another bible...i see him as god...i practise everything he preaches...to me he is my idol...he died for peace too and he stood up for everything he believed in regardless of what others thought of that.
'Imagine theres no countries..is isnt hard to do, nothing to kill or die for and no religion too' 
Actually imagine that, a world where there is not need to kill... a world where there is no need to sacrifice your own life fighting for you country...fighting to bring peace to the world. Wouldnt that be beautiful? Imagine living in a world where the only killings are what need to be made..for example, animals in the wild, for food, in the case of euthanasia... killing only to survive or to put an animal at peace... the humane way. Imagine one year on Remembrance sunday being able to to look back at the fallen and the ones who put their lives at risk to give us a chance at peace with the knowledge that finally it worked, peace has been achieved and there is no more war or dying..wouldnt that make such a perfect world.

Life sucks sometimes

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I mean...everything that could go wrong went wrong...I know my blog is normally about giving others advice and helping others out but just this once i need the advice...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love dying? I would think most of you do... and if not your very lucky.Well my nan is a severe sufferer of COPD, i know what that stands for but i can't for the life of me spell it, i guess you can google it if it matters that much. Anyway it basically means her lungs are messed up..big time...this is the one step away from being on oxygen for the rest of her life...Her doctor told her when she was diagnosed a few years back that she had to stop smoking, because now...a cigarette will not just cut an hour or whatever it normally is off her life, it could be cutting days, weeks, months who knows?...Well she has been swearing on my life that she has stopped smoking, she has promised me...hurled abuse at me when i ask her, treated me like scum...and everytime it's always the same thing... 'IM NOT SMOKING JUST SHUT UP' and everytime i find more on her and somehow...'she's not smoking them either' I know smoking is an addiction an i know all to well with my self harm what an addiction feels like, but shes not even trying and its got to a point where i can't deal with it anymore. I said that to her i said i couldnt deal with the upset of finding them on her all the time and the hurt knowing she had swore on my life i lied...the fact she didnt care about anyone else in the family but herself (she even promised my grandad and her husband on his dying bed she would quit)..so she accused me of hating her etc...i turned round and shouted back at her it's not anything but the fact i want you to STOP with the smoking and she flipped and said 'THATS IT IM MOVING OUT YOU DONT WANT ME IF I JUST FUCK OFF FROM YOUR LIFE....' and it made me worse, i was hysterical...i'm not even going to say what happened next because i dropped to one of my low points and ended up doing something silly to myself to try and get her to see how much she was hurting me...that just started more fights. I also found out that my 'brother' (I'll explain in a sec), has known shes been smoking this whole time but does not give a shit about her and lets her kill herself just because he gets fags out it...no for people who think i'm being paranoid i can't be because my mother wouldnt deny thats what he's doing when i mentioned it to her... What do i do? What the heck am i to do? My nan is like another mother to me and i cant deal with this, i really just cannot deal with all of this.... What am i to say to her|? because i've swore to cut my wrists to pieces if i see her smoking before, ive done it in front of her...and she didnt care...ive threatened her, blackmailed her, tried to be nice, screamed at her..nothing...I am going to end up killing myself at this rate just to get away from it all...I can't deal with it...
So for the first time ever i'm asking YOU guys... what do i do?

drunken memories....

ALWAYS makes me laugh... 

i'm in there somewhere although you can only see my knee 

one of the drunkest times EVER

I miss my girls 

11.11 least we forget

'In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.'

 

I can't believe i have only just got around to writing this blog and even more so i cant believe that i nearly didnt manage to get it done at all today. 11.11. You need to have a hard and cold heart not to be moved on  this day.... 

Today is the day that we honour our fallen 'least we forget' for without them we would not be here, there would not be a country there wouldnt be anything, they; with almightly courage stood on the front line and looked death in the eye.  The stood for all of us, they stood for HOPE, COURAGE, LOVE, PEACE... we are to be enternally grateful.

I hope that the fallen can stand next to God with their heads held high with pride, just like the soldiers coming back from war. For they may not be there in the pshyical world...but instead did pay the highest of all prices. This is actually something i get all emotional writing about and then i start getting angry that theres a need for war and fighting in the first place.

All soldiers whenever they battled, even the ones on the front line right now... the ones God couldnt save, the saved and the wounded...our country salutes you. THANK YOU for giving us a world to raise our children in, for teaching lives purpose at the expense of your own. There is no one at all braver than you and not enough recognition is given for all the fallen... Hopefully that will change now...i hope that will change. 

You will never be forgotten, you will live on in our heart, lives and everything we see feel and touch for the rest of our lives.

You are the wind, you are the rain, You are the sun... with a newborn babies cry we will thank god for you and thank you for letting this beautiful person come onto the earth.  

You are the ultimate ...

 

 

Pro Style Loser

If i get anything done in the next couple of years then its gonna be to fly to Canada and spend a week getting completly wasted with my canadian BFF/ loser twin/sister/ bitch.
Haven't seen her since 2010 when we were in munich together...!
FRIENDSHIP this girl is one of my number one, all time besties.. 
Words cannot describe the things we have talked about/planned for the future/then worryingly gone and done/roadtrips to Italy/ boyfriends/bitches/ growing up.... everything... 
Who wants to buy me a one way ticket?