So take that, and add it to the fact to start with i really did not want to be there, it meant i pretty much tried to avoid people, and not talk to anyone, at this point i still thought angel was the same person i only THOUGHT she was a few years ago.
Well after singing class and alot of effort i sung one line of a song, and broke down after crying, i literally felt naked and exposed and that everyone was laughing at me and looking at me judging me. I felt a hand on my shoulder and it was Angel and she asked me if we could go talk for abit...Well let's just say that conversation was the one that changed my life, it also totally changed my view on her, io realised that just because she happens to be one of these stunning girls on the outside does not mean she cannot be equally stunning on the inside...and i know that...i already know that from past experience, so i don't know why i thought it this time...it was stupid and uncalled for and im glad i met her because she taught me that.
I then was also speaking with this wonderful young american called Micheal, and well, he made me realise how hard i was being on myself and how stupid that was, he helped me to realise that it was ok just to let go in the young americans even if elsewhere i was scared. Well by this time Angel had gone back inside and i was too scared to go over and speak to her...much much too scared...again my whole fear of the unknown was getting in the way of me living my life. The next day i think we were in the middle of learning happiness or world medley i'm not too sure, and Angel came over to me and asked how i was today...that meant EVERYTHING to me, and i told her that i wanted to change... And i dont know how she done it or why she happened, i guess we both needed eachother to grow from at that time, , and i believe that she is the reason i went on that tour and i know she knows that too...And then when it came to performing shadowlands in the first town, as the dance finished, she looked at me and held my hand, it was just that connection for that short space of seconds before circle or life started but it meant so much, it gave me strength i never knew that i had.
At the end of first workshop she handed me a piece of paper and said she had written something for me..well when i got home and read that letter i honestly cried so hard, because everything she had said was true, stuff that i KNEW was true but normally people would twist to try and make it sound better...Well i kept that letter with me for the next few days, whenever i was down i remembered that this wonderful honest girl thought i was strong, and beautiful and it helped me to keep my head up.
In the second town i actually did not see much of her, and that was ok, but i still remember the second i walked into that hall she just stood there in front of me and held her arms open, and that made me feel so wanted...and actually i needed that more than ever because i was really struggling over the last few days...i needed her to be like that to help give me a reason to be there...
In singing class i even got up and sung an entire chorus of a song, something which I would have never done before, spesh standing up in front of quite a big group of kids...but i didnt care because even though i was scared i had angel holding my hand and telling me i was ok, and for once i believed her. I believed in what someone was telling me.
I wanted to give her something back in return because i don't think she could have realised just how much she had impacted my life and i decided i would sing her a bunch of songs that reminded me of her, as the young americans always gave us a gift via music dance and song so i thought it would be apt to do the same for her....well actually up until the very last second i thought i was going to chicken out, but then i thought, what the hell, i dont matter that i will sing these like shit...what matters is that i done it....and that i sang from the heart, and ok some of them songs were bad REALLY bad, because i either forgot some of the lyrics and had to miss them out or sung completely out of tune...BUT when people walked by and looked at me i ignored them and carried on going....A big big change for me..it really was..
The entire cast this fall was amazing and each and every single one of them brought me out of my shell and made me a better person, if i had to write a blog for every one of them that changed my life then i think that i would be here forever because literally it would be almost all of them. The thing that made a difference with Angel though is that she stood and helped me grow, and i let down my walls to her alot more than i have ever done to a YA, and at the end of the day it was her taking me to the side after singing that gave the reason for that change, if not i would still be that scared person who is afraid to stand out.
I know, that in my heart i will not speak to her or see her again, but what makes me smile both on the inside and the out is the memories and the knowledge there will be hundreds more people in this world that she will change lives of.
Angel if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me over the past few workshops :) x
