Emily Maguire - A gig in the 'garden'

So i just got back from what i think is one of the best performances i have ever been to!
A few months back i was going though an amazingly hard time in my life and was a little bit of a mess inside...i have this wonderful friend who was talking to her best friend and she that i should check out this singer songwriter called Emily Maguire. She gave me the name of her book and strongly urged me to read it, so i instantly went on line and ordered it...from the second it arrived and i read the back, not even the first page jsut the back i was pulled in, into a world where i no longer felt alone, where i no longer felt i was the only person going though what i'm going though..or more...maybe i was, but at the end of the day, there were people (like i always try to remind myself) that are worse off than me..and people like Emily who have literally been though hell on their knees and came though again on the other side. I feel stupid being able to write this because because i dont know her...but i just have to!
So when we first got to to open garden where the gig was being held we saw a notice saying that it would be held in the church next door as it had been raining on and off all day and no one was really sure how much it was going to rain again that evening..literally five seconds after we got outside the doors to wait it began raining, oh and it rained it REALLY REALLY did rain!. I was so tempted to just throw my shoes off (the flimsy bits i had on anyway) and dance and leap across the grass, but then, i realised i was going to be sitting down for hours with no means of getting changed or dry and had to suppress my inner(sometimes very but nonetheless) free spirit.
ANYWHO, the whole performance was opened by this wonderful man who had an epic voice, i felt sorry for him at some points and wanted to hug him, it was his first solo gig and you could tell how scared he was at times, although he was bloody brilliant,! i would pay just to come and see him alone! Some of the songs that he was singing nearly had me in tears it was beautiful.! Then after a small break the moment i had actually been waiting for for months and Emily walked onto stage, i think at first it didn't seem real, because this person is someone famous who i greatly admire and they are standing right in front of me. I must have sat there in awe the entire first half of the act,i do remember though sitting there, in the front row of all places, trying not to cry my eyes out when she sang her amazing song 'I'd rather be', that song has alot of significance for me. The words..well all her songs are, but the words to that song, you can reach them out to anybody, in any walk of life, no matter what they are going though and who they are and for me that is the most beautiful thing alive, to be able to do that with music..well... I also really remember the last song she sang in the first half and that was because it was one of the first songs of hers that i had ever heard and that was start over again...i think that maybe i got a tad too excited at that moment and nearly jumped out my seat which would have caused me some embarrassment haha. In the break i was asking around all the staff members if one of the could give my gift to Emily, and they were all saying no i cant right now shes having a break sorry, then the parent decided to literally hold me down so i couldnt go and work on my next step...Emily's husband...i was just so scared of doing it myself..and i knew he could not use the excuse, 'I'm sorry i'm not alloud backstage' phaha but anyway i was kept in my seat. As the second act began i was yet again so freaking excited even more so now, and when Emily announced that she was going to be singing new songs that she had never performed before i freaked even more i felt so so blessed....out of all the music in the world i get to hear hers first, to me that better than any A list band...it really really is.!!!! All i got from this second half was a dying...sstrong...longing for the songs to be in my hands in disk form...i actually cannot wait till i comes out on CD, that will be the best day of my life, officially ;) There were two songs that i remember the most, one was a song wrote for a girl hurt after a riding accident, and being obsessed with horses..i listened so intently...the lyrics moved me so much! it was beautiful..the next was the final song of the gig, a song called 'Stardust' i was so moved so so so moved, my mom was handing me tissue after tissue haha i literally cried the entire way though... OH MY GOSH! and then we got two extra songs at the end....and the crazy thing was the very last song she performed to i knew very well due to it being a part of greenpeace (i shouted Greenpeace when i heard that opps) and i also danced to it for Japan a few months ago, although at the time of that i dont think i was aware who sang it, all i knew was it was a really beautiful song! Gahhhhhh it was amazing,...
After the performance i was waiting in the queue to see her and ahhhhhhhh i literally cannot believe i got to come face to face with her :) she is so beautiful in person and just so friendly and down to earth with everyone...she signed all the albums that i had bought that day (no more you tube yayyy hahaha) and my book :) and at the end I even hugged her, which i can be funny about if i do not know someone...i felt very very safe in her company...after the first few seconds of talking to her face to face....it was ok......:) Garrrrrrrr :) So yeah, that evening pretty much made me believe for a while again...
I love her words, literally there is so much depth there, depth in which i can understand which makes it even more beautiful...
So Gwen, if you are reading this, thank you so much!!!! for recommending her music to me, because look at how happy i am tonight :) and as for beautiful Emily well.... NEVER FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE GIRL!!!!!!!!! :)

http://www.emilymaguire.com/index.html

Diana Patient Photography

OK so i just thought that i would write a blog about this awesome photographer which i have only recently got to know more...I have seen her name on my friends walls and everything but I've never actually looked at her her work, until this perfect girl i know called Emma had a photoshoot with her a month or so ago. That was when i actually took time to look at her work and i was gobsmacked with what was before my eyes.. Her work is actually amazing literally, i have not seen anything like it, maybe my best friends work but that is literally it.

So i have some more to say but first i just want to talk about Emma because i think that this is really important to do...Emma to me, the picture perfect person, I've never met anyone with such a beautiful heart and soul. She like one of these people who have the perfect face, perfect body perfect image and everything and i am SO jealous sometimes at her for that (i know thats bad i know i know)..but i also know that she is not that confident with her image and her body sometimes and I've never seen a collection of photographs where she has looked SO confident...she looked vibrant, and powerful, clearly very seductive aswell after seeing the reaction on one of my friends faces hahahahahahahahah! To me i hope that she sees in them pictures exactly what i see in her everyday the most beautiful sis alive.. She looked safe and happy and like she belonged there, in that moment, in front of that camera, i saw a few photos earlier, but only really saw the lot last night..i actually cried because i was SO proud at her for doing this and being able to shoot something so amazing with someone... regardless if she knew them or not. There we some pictures where she was rolling around on the floor with some string (it was an alley cat theme people people you start coming to conclusions hahaha) for her to just let go and do that, well even with my best friend i would be to scared...to see Emma do that...it was amazing...


Clearly thought this must also be due to some STUNNING photography on Diana's part, i love her images, i love how she captures the little things, for me, the passion she managed to capture in Emma's eyes when she was dancing...the 'real' smiles, there seemed to be none of this, pose like this and that going on, it was safe, comfortable and beautiful. I am amazingly passionate about dancing, and people who know me will know im having a slight breakdown right now because im not gonna be dancing everyday like i used to..so to see something good in dance, it really does move me greatly. There was a photo shoot she done on southbank on pointe and it was literally stunning...so amazing...another one...ballet dancers in the rain i loved that too...well actually i loved the whole lot! Once i get my life on track, and get some money and time, i really want to get my own horse that i have dreamed about since i started riding years ago...and then i would pay her for a horse and rider photo shoot, i just know she would capture the bond...:)


I just wanted to recommend her to anyone, be it for a portfolio or wedding or whatever, she is really awesome, and her prices are amazing too, take that coming from someone who was looking around to get a dance and acting portfolio done, it was going into the one thousand mark. She also includes i believe make up into the price i cannot remember exactly i have a brain of a goldfish...but always email her :) here are some links... BLOODY DO IT!!!!





http://www.facebook.com/pages/Diana-Patient-Photography/160695867278874





https://dianapatientphotography.wordpress.com/about/





http://www.flickr.com/photos/lovefriendshipfreedom/

Photo Courtesy of Diana Patient Photography

18 tage :)

With 18 days until i finally get to go back to Germany, i am beginning to get more and more excited, Germany is my heart and my soul and means everything to me. Yesterday i was looking at pictures and videos from the last time i were in this beautiful country and i literally broke down in tears, I've never missed a place so much in my life...
In 2006 i started doing this performance workshop called the Young Americans, and actually, it's pretty much thanks to the YA that i have friends in Germany, and we learnt a song called 'Happiness'..well when I am in Germany i will stand in the middle of a crowded train station like Cologne and sing that at the top of my voice, including the actions to go with it...

'Happiness is everything and anything at all, thats loved by you'

I just loved it, to see the look on the faces of people, when they clearly do not have a clue what is going on or what i am doing or singing about..but most of all i love the smiles that normally appear seconds after...to see young girls singing happy and free....in Germany they seem to appreciate things like that more than anyone in England ever would.
I love how for the time i was in Germany people just accepted me, my friends used to take me out with them and their friends, and they were just like, HEY, not once did i ever feel like they didnt want me there, in fact, i have made quite a few good friends from this way aswell.. The family i will be staying with in a few weeks i met randomly on a visit to see a YA workshop in the fall, i am so so so excited to get to spend time with them and get to know them all better...also the fact i have never really been to this part of Germany before, the whole idea gets me crazy and hyper, i cannot wait.
I want to get back to Munich at some point for abit, because its freaking amazing there, it's just a matter of fitting it all in...I'm not well enough really to be out of the country right now for me than a week...i would most likely have a breakdown, therefore touring around would only stress me out. But i have hope to get better, and next year, i will be able to spend my entire summer out there with everyone that i love and care about...lets hope...
i believe...in this case i really do believe, because i've never known something i want as bad as this. :)

Maddy's birthday!!! xxxxxxx

So yesterday evening, i went to a party for my beautiful friend Maddy's 17th, I was having a really shit day and was seriously thinking about not going and just staying home, the idea of being in a crowd of people made me feel ill..but i swallowed my pride and went, and i am so glad that i did because i had a wonderful time, and that was without drinking, I'm actually proud of myself for that..ok i couldn't stay for the entire party because that would have been too much for me...but since recently, being able to be out from 8-10:30 is a very very good step for me..!

I am so happy that i got to see my beautiful Charlotte again because i have not see her in so long now that it is actually crazy! (Only since april but for me that is a reallllyy long time).. Maddie had this door of her house where people were alloud to write notes for her birthday, and after half hour of so, Charlottle and I, along with this awesome guy called Nick who we had only met that night decided to go out and write stuff on this door for her, however Nick instead decided to write this crazy note making ridiculous suggestions about Charlotte and I, then promptly sticking it to the wall with this huge smile on his face... so I, in turn done exactly the same back to him, this must have gone on for a good hour or so, the paper gradually starting to cover the wall of Maddy's stairs hahahah :) But oh it was a good time...wonderful funny times, poor Maddy when she came and saw that...! :) although she found it funny. I must also say that all of Maddy's friends are totally awesome!!! I've not really met a group of people like that, where i have felt like i fitted in right away with everyone..By the time i was getting ready to go home it seemed that SO MANY people were drunk and i just could not stop laughing, music was playing, people were dancing and everyone was just going INSANE...i finally for half hour or so really really managed to let go and just dance, something that at a party i need to be drunk to do!! It really was an awesome night, i got to meet some great new people and catch up with old friends whom i havn't spoken to in a while..

Thank you so much for inviting me Maddy! Love you very much xxxxxx

All you can do is keep breathing

I CAN be strong
I CANNOT fail
I CAN believe
I CANNOT give up
I CAN live again
I CANNOT loose hope
I CAN stand back up again
I CANNOT let myself stay this way for the rest of my life...

I want to live, i want to change the world,I'm 19..there are lives for me to change and children and adults alike for me to help...there are schools for me to build in far away countries, and there are youngsters who have lost their parents needing a simple hug,,there are babies that need comforting and old people needing a hand to hold. I cannot give up..please not now, please not never...i want to keep going...
I've learned that there are people who just don't want to be in my life, and although that hurts, i need to just accept it...if they do care,i will see them again
There are people I've lost from my life, i need to move on, and know when it's my time I'll get to be back safe in their arms.
There are times when i have thrown myself on the floor and cried non stop for hours, I've been so low, to a point where most people reading this will not understand trust me. But somehow i get though them, and at the time, i think thats a bad thing, but when i LOOK BACK on it in a better frame of mind, i see that it was a good thing, i am still here to impact lives.
I've been scared before, so scared, so scared my body went stiff and my teeth chattered...so scared i would rather have died than stay in that situation..but..i got out of it and i got over it....
I know i'm going to go back...maybe alot, but i'm also keeping the thought in my head that i WILL be ok, and that i do not need to worry about it, maybe then i will convince myself...that i will be fine... and even if i do fall, i know because of today that i can pick myself back up again.
I've lost so many people because of everything that has happened in the past few years, and i dont want to loose anymore...
As i was once told

'All you can do is keep breathing'

I love this earth and this planet, and i love the people in it, i WILL change the world, and if you think i won't then you are in for a severe shock, i will be proving each and every single on you wrong.
Today has been a good day for me, everything has been alot clearer, and then i got a message from a certain special friend who is miles away, and it healed my heart and made me think...i danced my heart out till i could breathe no more, and now i think i will wake up to an even better day tomorrow...i hope...:)

Sometimes it hurts instead....

'I won't let you, close enough to hurt me' I fucking LOVE Adele and right now this is my new motto to life...I've decided that from now on, in order to keep myself (and others) from getting hurt this is something that maybe needs to be listened to..I'm learning now that there seems to be so no such thing as friendship, because EVERYONE hurts you, and everyone leaves you, and i know this blog is totally out of character for me, because normally there are people i will say i can ALWAYS rely on, and yeah THEY are still there,but what happens if they go too? I'm just stepping with caution, thats all. Loosing anyone from your life hurts, and loosing someone from your life who is A: your best friend or B: not even really a friend just someone who impacted your life a big deal is even harder. It's broken my heart..not made it better, and i know, that loosing the two other people in my life who i would die for would kill me...literally, that would be like taking the air that i breathe away. I don't want to push them away from me, but then at the same time i don't want to push THEM away from me enough for them to leave forever. From now on i will pretend with them that everything is ok, and even when they argue, which i know they will, i'll just dismiss it...again caution..not to hurt them, but to stop them getting hurt... I don't want to loose more people that i love, and i'm scared of doing that...so i think it really is time to step away now...I'm scared of myself because I'm scared now to love, and love is all you need.

7th July 2005

7/7/2005..the day that London was shaken with the horror of terror attacks by the same evil madman who planned the 9/11. Like the 9/11 i remember exactly where i was upon hearing the news of these attacks. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see if i could be fitted in for an urgent MRI scan. My ENT consultant was really worried and was getting his staff to run around seeing if they could fit me in. I remember the phone ringing and a conversation going on where it was clear that the patient was cancelling their appointment. After getting off the phone the receptionist spoke to another woman and said that there was a free MRI slot as a patient was stuck in traffic due to an incident in London...I didn't think anything of it, it was London, and there was ALWAYS things happening there and it went to the back of my mind especially when the slot was given to me, having claustrophobia the idea of being locked in a tube that long scared me to death.

After the scan was finished i was told to go into town and get something to drink whilst i was waiting for my results...so as per normal for me, i asked my mom if we could drive to a nearby Starbucks..When we got in the car and turned the radio on, was when where heard about everything that was going on in London, my heart was beating so fast i could barely breathe, it seemed to me like 9/11 was only a day ago, and now London had been targeted to. All i could register was the word 'bomb' and 'people dead'...even when i went back to get my results and were told i would need a operation asap i didn't really care, i was in a state of shock, pure shock. I couldn't understand, yet again, why people would commit such evil deeds.

When i later got home and saw everything unfolding before my eyes on TV I broke down even more so, people running, people screaming, people crying, people in pain, people dying, the emotions that kill me to see, the emotions that no human being should have to feel, that no living being should feel. After a while i began thinking about the families, what they must have been feeling 4 suicide bombers called 52 people that day, and ok, so maybe that was not as big as the thing that happened in America, but lives are lost, and people are still left behind grieving for something that no normal person would go out there and do.

Today family and friends of lost loved ones gathered in Hyde Park for a memorial, proof that the day that happened six years ago now lives on strongly in their minds, and it will do forever.

Things like this just shouldn't happen there is no need for it..

THIS is what i'm about, i'm about making the world see one person at time that world peace is needed, and if just one person reads this message, and changes their outlook, then it's worth it, if it makes just one person think about world peace and that we can do it together, then again it is worth it.

You may say i'm a dreamer but im not the only one, i hope some day that you will join us and the world WILL live as one.

One of the hardest things ever...

Right so this blog, i need to get alot out, i need to vent it down somewhere, a place where i can't actually harm myself or get in the way of others.
So I've lost two of the people that mean the most to me within the past month, and what hurts me more than anything, is that i know for a fact it was my own stupid fault.
I've vented about friend one, so now i need to do friend two before i literally jump of the highest bridge i can get to.
I'm sick of myself, i sick to death of everyone lying to me. I'm sick of people saying that people care when i said all along the bloody didn't, and now finally i have been proved right. Sometimes people come into your life, who change you SO much, and words just cannot put into words how much you value their presence in your life even if you are the best writer in the universe.!!!
This friend..or ex friend now, whatever, nothing is going to change the fact that she really did change my life and make me such a better person than what I was, she touched my heart and impacted greatly upon my life, and now, I've lost them from my life because i'm a fucking failure and can't even talk to people right. I will always say to people that i wish i could have a hug and that i wish they were there with me, because at the end of the day, there are thousands of people unfortunately for me, that are all over the world who i would like a hug from..and i say it to ALOT of people, and i just guess that this person thought i was relying on them too much. I'm not gonna bother fighting it out with them because i fully believe that you need to let things go, and that everything in life happens for a reason but...i wish it DIDN'T have to be this way, because this was a person whose presence i valued in my life VERY much. However from this i have learnt that i was right all along and that i cannot trust anyone, and i wish so much that people would finally understand that and not keep going on at me, at the end of the day i know myself better than anyone else, i do have to be with myself 24/7 so it's a given.
I know now that i can't believe people when they say they care, or maybe i can...i dont know..but instead im just a bad person that pushes everyone away...i'm trying to decide right now what one of them is the right option.
I hate that i let everything get blown out of context yet again, and now i would give anything to turn back time, and have life set a different plan from me...i'm trying not to cry over it because i had a huge cry yesterday, I'm trying not to let it drag me right down again to the point of suicide like my friend last month did (yes things hit me hard i got very very down) i was SLOWLY coming back up again, so i'm trying not to go back down again. I'll just sit here pretending i don't care to everyone, because that's the way i roll, and that makes it easier for me to cope with when i am with other people.
I can't believe that i thought if i stayed away from men i would be ok, i thought that if i kept clear from them i wouldn't get hurt by people i care about, when in fact, i get hurt a million times worse by people who are 'friends'. I actually don't know what to do anymore, i am loosing all the people that i love from my life and fast, it's getting to the point where i give up and just dont want to bother living anymore..
I want to use this blog now (even though no one really knows about it ) to say sorry to everyone i have ever hurt in my life, and that i think maybe i should not bother anyone now...it's best if i go though this life on my own with no one, because at the end of the day, this time its one of the people who i actually didnt rely on much at all that thinks i rely on them too much...
Urgh i hate life......

You won't be called home until it's your time ?

I've been sitting here recently thinking alot about things. About the smallest most insignificant ones to the big, life changing ideas. I started thinking about the saying 'you won't be called home until it's your time' I have always believed that everything happens for a reason so i guess that this would tie in with that but then in many other ways, i think about the people that were meant to be somewhere.
In my first year of college we done a performance based on the 9/11 attacks and it told the story of a young girl who missed her flight...her parents thought she was dead...and couldn't believe it when she turned up at her own memorial service later that year. It's things like that...i mean..if someone was meant to be there, were they or where they not meant to die anyway?
I thought about the MILLIONS of people that has happened to, the fact that its happened to my mom aswell... if she'd have died i would not have been here and nor would my brother (even though in the case of me the world would have been better off lol)..Then the people who survive AMAZING things and live to tell the tale...people who are in serious car accidents, and somehow in amongst that rubble they carry of breathing. I watched a TV show a couple of days ago called air crash investigation and literally this whole plane crashed into a mountain, over 500 people died but a couple survived...i think that...or more....im pretty sure now that...everything...even the smallest things that we do are meant to be...I know i'm a one to talk because i have trouble doing this myself, but i want to try and get a message across for others to read and understand and take to heart. I've been though a bad phrase in my life where i tried to kill myself a few times, and i can assure you, i wanted to do it, but things ALWAYS got in the way, or in one case my nan walked in just as i swigged back the mix of strong shit, and took the pile in front away before i could do more, at the time, i was mad and thought, she has just stopped what was meant to be...i was pissed..seriously...and even more so when i ended up in therapy, but then, a year later on my way home from school i saw a man unconscious on the floor, i took over, i didnt know how, all the first aid training i had went out of my head but i done it, and i later got a letter from the ambulance and police on the scene saying i saved this guys life...and i thought...well maybe...just maybe, that was the reason i did not die last year...because i was meant to have been there to save that man..that sounds gay but i don't care. Then a couple of years back i was ice skating and fell backwards landing on the back of my head...i could have easily died that day...i walked out of hospital the same night....then a few months back i had a really really bad fall, which resulted in me being in recus all night and though the early hours of the morning...the doctors thought i had broken my neck and that i had serious head injuries...i got out of that with just bruising and whiplash too...and i've read stories...of people having falls no where near as bad as that and dying...and after my friend i was with admitted that she thought i was going to die that night...the doctors said that i was amazingly lucky, and they had seen falls a fraction of what i had done, and that person had not survived or had but had been seriously brain damaged or pshyically damaged. I believe that, the only reason i got out of that ok, it because i was not meant to die at that point....
Here i go again saying something that i know i should live by myself, and its something i try with all my heart to live by, even though i have trouble with it and generally i never manage it haha!
Live life to the full 'Bella vita' , life really is beautiful, and you can never ever know what is around the cornor, you should make the most of every moment, be grateful for the opportunities you given and don't waste them, help people, you were put on this earth for a reason...so get out there and fucking show that...! I dont know if i believe in god...but i do know that i believe in anything that gives others hope...so, look up to the sky and say thank you, just say thank you to whatever you believe in, that you are here, that you are alive, and that your life is meant to be...some people lose theirs at young ages.. you are blessed..
:) x

Depression

I want to tell you all a story,a story that yes may seem majorly undramatic, but i want to get the story across. I have suffered from depression in the past, and i wanted to write what it was like so the non-sufferers could maybe..,just maybe...see where i was coming from...as like the million of others who suffer from this horrible illness...
Imagine living in a world where it is constantly cloudy, do you know one of those days where you wake up and can't stand the look of the sky, it looks ugly, un-forgiving, empty and gray, like something that could suck life away....Well one of those cloudy days....Imagine that all the time...yeah it's not a nice image is it?
I don't know what exactly caused my depression to start..i have an idea..a few things that happened around the age of twelve, i lost someone very close to me and at the same time was not being treated right by someone whom i thought i could trust, and i think, well i know in my heart that i want it to stay just that way on this blog, the thought of it getting to personal scares me to death... It was hard, and i shrunk back into myself...my friends saw that i was getting down, they saw my heart sinking..and they saw that i was struggling..the more they tried to help me, the more i run in the opposite direction, to me, everything was just making this cloud bigger, it meant i had to run fast...away...
I know right now you are finding that hard to understand, i mean on one of those days where the sun is so bright in the sky that you cannot even look up without being blinded...how can THAT be horrible and cloudy, and i quite honestly cannot explain anymore...its hard..unless you have been there.
But i do know more than ever that depression is real and here in this world, it sickens me how little is known about it....I have a friend, who has a very serious and bad form of depression, and a few days ago, she tried to kill herself...when she was taken to the hospital...they treated her like fucking shit, just because her wounds were self inflicted...she's had way too much vodka, and her arms and legs were covered in cuts...many of them deep...they just did not care and left her sitting for hours...when she did get seen it was with no respect whatsoever....YES i know that maybe compared to other people she didn't seem 'important' but surely there must have been something pretty huge to be going on in her head to make her even get to that stage, it should be about helping people like this...no pushing them away and making them feel worse...
It's wrong, really wrong, if a lesbian were to walk in, and say she had fallen doing something and seriously hit her head...well it would be like the hospital saying...'I'm sorry you can just wait over there for hours because your a lesbian, and they treat her like the plague when the DO treat her..' but you know what? if they done that, it would be done for homophobia...how comes for mental issues everything is so different? Its fucking bullshit.!
I'm not saying its the fault of the staff really, what i AM saying is that they are not educated enough, my bests friends mom is trying to do a campaign to raise awareness in hospitals about mental health issues, saying that all A&E nurses should have some form of mental training. I am asking you all please to help as much as you can, i will keep you posted on here with any updates..
Depression is really not fun, and its not something that people just fake either...no one and i mean no one can fake being down for that long, and no one would permanently scar their body without reason...
Its about time awareness was raised about this situation

thank you for reading.

My best friend

So today i had planned to meet up and go for a walk with one of my best friends Alice, but after having a really bad night the previous evening i was certainly debating going, not because i didnt want to see my friend, but simply because i felt so shit and low, and didn't think there was any point. However,i then remembered how Alice is like a clone of me, i decided to go anyway, as she always makes me laugh..and makes me feel better about myself...she understands me to such a depth its crazy! So i pulled myself out of bed, had a quick was and threw on a hoodie and a pair of jeggings..i really did not care about anything, i just made sure i had a little bit of make up on, with a face as ugly as mine i fucking need it!
I got my nanna to drop me off at her house and then we made our way over to this beautiful country park near her home...I love it there..i mean really love it, because it's just so beautiful and just so peaceful...it gave us a chance to catch up and talk about life..it gave me a chance to get everything off my chest and out into the open, with someone who does not judge me and listens to what i have to say. We got walking and actually didn't realise how far out we had gone, and like retards, when we got to the end of the pathway we were following, instead of going back, we decided to just carry on walking and go up another path of which we had never been down before... It was wonderful walking there, as it was so quiet....so so so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop...the sun was in the sky and the gentle breeze was blowing so i was perfectly comfortable...after walking for about another 10mins we came to another cross road which branched off in three ways...thinking we could be adventurous...when knowing our luck is a bad idea, we decided to cut off the path an walk though this beautiful corn field...when we got to the other side though we realised there was nothing there except for this small country road, which none of us had seen before or recognised....So we turned back on ourselves and made our way back to the cross road..from there we actually got lost...again..totally and utterly lost...and even after about another hour when i DID find an area of park i recognised, it was flooded so we had to go another way...only then did i realise i had my beautiful iphone in my pocket and we used that to get us back on the main road...soaking wet, feet in agony and covered in mud...we made our way into hornchurch for coffee, and i actually dread to think what people must have thought when we walked in!
I actually loved every moment of today...because at start i was literally on the brink of suicide, and thank you to my beautiful best friend i have managed to get my head to much clearer and better place..for now..i love how every laugh and joke just comes natural because we both have the minds of five year olds..!
Ah anyway :) I'm going to shut up now...please check out this site!!! We plan on doing a hug mission of this around here asap ...! :) www.operationbeautiful.com

Run away or take a risk?

What do you do when you love someone but are to afraid to tell them?
When there is every chance of something actually happening between you both,you flirt and banter all the time when together... but then at the same time you feel scared because you dont want to loose that friendship? When its someone who is like a brother to you...and you have looked upon them as that way for such a long time...then is it wrong..? is it like dating a member of your family? I don't know.
I want to spend a day with you and sit alone together under the beautiful sun and speak the words my heart so desperately wants to say. When i first met you i didnt look upon you as anything other than a friend or even at that time only as a 'potential' friend. But then i got to know you, and found out what a beautiful person you were inside and out. I confided in you and told you my deepest secrets, you took them with compassion and love unlike anything i have ever seen come from a straight guy before. You broke down the wall around my heart and help me to love again, even if sometimes it had to hurt in the end, you were always there to help comfort me, heal me and help pick me back up again. Your love cured me in ways that i never even thought possible, and i keep wondering all the time if we were together then would i be able to make an even better person of myself?
I adore you, in fact i actually love you with ALL my heart,to have you would be a dream come ture in so many ways just..im so scared to even tell you that, because i dont want to have to deal with the consequences if you do not fell the same way, Im scared i'll fuck it all up like i normally do...
I'm standing now on the edge and i need to decide if i want to run away and be safe or jump and take a risk...and it's the hardest decision ever.

save me from this road im on....

'Jesus take the wheel take it from my hands, cuz i can't do this on my own, i'm letting go so give me one more chance save me from this road i'm on, Jesus take the wheel.'
I've just been sitting here listening to the wonderful Carrie Underwood and all her music and albums, and Jesus take the wheel came on..it got me thinking...even if i don't really believe in Jesus and God, that sometimes maybe the thing we need to do is to just stand up and let fate and destiny lead us on the right path. The past week for me has been so hard, and i've been breaking down in tears alot and not being able to cope with my heart and my feelings. I'm learning that some things are really hard, but at the same time you learn more and more everyday who the people are that you simply need in your life to survive, ive been trying to kid myself that i dont need no one but i dont think that is true. Friendship to me is so important. Sometimes i do stupid things, and risk breaking that relationship, which to me, means more than any 'proper' relationship with a man would..even if it WAS Johnny Depp (i can dream..and pray...and really pray) ;) but..i think, when im down and sad...i forget that, and just do things without thinking about the other persons feelings and how that could affect them. I never ever mean to hurt someone and the thought that i do always makes me mad at myself, when its someone who means the world to you its even harder. I just sometimes don't imagine myself living without certain people in my life, and the fact that ive pushed them away out of my own doing hurts me so deeply.
I also learnt that alcohol is not a good mix with depressive moods and feelings, I've learnt the VERY hard way that it generally fucks everything up. Thats the reason ive been like this for the past week, what hurts the most is knowing that you cannot change what happens in the past even if you want it more than anything else in the world. I went to a party to other day and didnt drink, whereas normally i would not have thought twice, one event, has literally changed EVERYTHING for me. Listening to Jesus take the wheel, i think just helped me to remember that i cannot changed things that have happened, and the fact i do not know what the future will holds for me. I need to just keep holding on and trying...i believe that destiny and fate will save me....

Starting with goodbye

I think that more than anything in this world. letting go, is one of the hardest things to do, in any way, shape or form, in the past two weeks, my whole life has changed..I've changed, I've HAD to change. First of all i left college, being in education had been all ive known, i didn't take a year out at any point and the thought of being without this (ok annoying and frustrating) but secure atmosphere scares the crap out of me. I used to always think, its ok, i can just go to college i dont have to worry about MY future, now it's changing, and its something out of my control. Being out of control is something i hate the most.

I'm learning fast that my destructive relationship with myself is also ruining my relationships i have with others. I know i need to learn to love myself, but at the end of the day, that is simply not going to happen. So therefore, I'm learning from THAT, that i maybe now need to let people go to stop them from getting hurt by me. I hate the thought of me hurting anyone, just as much as i hate the word hate, i just think that word is not worthy of being used about anything that has the potential to be beautiful (thats everything btw)The only thing this world should hate IS hate....It hurts me like fucking crazy because the people i am talking about mean more to me than life itself, but then its better to love something and let it go, than to keep holding on and getting nothing good out of it.

It's the same with my dancing, i think now i need to accept that in the real world away from the security of college, i would epically fail as a dancer, if i'm performing in the west end and refuse to wear a costume because i look to fat it would not go down well at all. I also know, because im not one of these 6ft tall girls who weighs 5 stone i would get told im not the right body shape for a dancer, and considering i already have problems with stuff like that, i dont think its a good idea to go down that road. I want to take my diploma though, and use it to help and change other peoples lives instead, i want to prove to the world that ANYONE can dance, it shouldn't just be about the rich being able to...now ive left college i know i wont be taking dance classes for a long time because i simply just dont have the money, it angers me that dancing is very much about that all the time.

I know i can help people, i really believe that i can help anyone and i don't give a fuck that people may disagree with me, i want to help people so thats all that matters, im learning to do that, and to move on with my life, i have to make sacrifices, i have to say goodbye..yes it will hurt, i will cry...yes sometimes it will break every fibre of my being, but letting go i guess it a part of life....its just learning to let go....just a step at a time letting go.

Everything you love in life is like a bird, it should be free, but if it comes back to you then you know it is yours to keep :)

Jazzfest deutschland 2011

So this previous weekend that has just gone, has been perhaps the most beautiful and the best of my life. When my twinnie said i would love jazz fest, i never really imagined i would love it as much as i really did. From the very second i got off the plane and stepped onto German soil i was complete, even more so when i saw my German family. I didn't really think my heart could be more full and so filled to bursting with love and happiness. Then i went to Jazzfest, oh my gosh, i've never been to a place where i felt i fitted in so well. Every single person there was an individual and everything there to buy was different, i didn't have enough pairs of eyes to look at everything...i kept getting told i looked like a pretty little fairy and ok, the pretty bit was maybe abit fucked...i think everyone had one too many to drink..! But the whole fairy thing made me smile so much :) i actually loved that. One of the best moments i think was sitting on the grass in the sunshine, drinking cocktails, smoking a cigarette with the people you love the most by your side. The wonderful moments, walking from stall to stall, barefoot, the freedom, the pure magic of being in the most beautiful place in the world. The music, oh my gosh the music, people playing on African style drums and just sitting crosslegged on the floor with a guitar singing...its everything i am,and everything i want to be for my entire life. I cant believe that its all over now for another year. Despite the fact i spent 200 euros in two days (opps) i had the best time of my life, and i could have quite easily stayed there forever, even with no facebook, Internet or phones....and i got some amazing, beautiful and very unique things for my friends. :)

peace x

What is hope?

What is hope..? Hope is something that keeps you going though everything, a light that glimmers, and keeps flickering, even when it seems the world has run out of oxygen to breathe in.

Hope is something that whispers in your ear, one more time, when you fall to knees and loose courage for what you always believed in.

Hope is powerful, it keeps us clinging on, when any other time we would have given up without a thought to it's future impact.

Hope is something that makes us fight for what we want, it makes us human. It helps us to learn that mistakes are necessary if you are going to grow at all.

Hope is something that keeps us believing there will be a better day, that this world will change and one day everyone and everything will live as one.

Hope is something that makes us so passionate about the things we love, and makes us want to go out and pursue our dreams and help others achieve theirs.
Hope makes the world go around.

Hope is like a bird

Flying free

Endlessly swooping into the hearts of those who need her...

Hope is you ...

So this is something i wrote for a friend or more a sister of mine, but i actually think she hates me now, i wrote it in a book about a week ago and was going to send it to her, but i think just here is a better idea :)

home time

Tomorrow i am off to Germany again and i actually don't think i could be happier. Germany really does make me happy, i love everything about that beautiful country and i do not care what people think or say about that.

I cannot wait to be back in a country where the sun shines even when its winter and rain is pouring down, because of the people, and the culture, it warms my heart and makes me feel so amazing. I cannot believe i am only going for three days this time and ok so that totally sucks but i guess i should be happy that i am going at all.

I'm so freaking out over tomorrow, i hate planes, i mean i love flying, but i really dont like this danger factor that comes with it, i always have a little freak out, spesh on landing and take off...but i'd do it everyday if i had to just to see Germany. i am so excited. no doubt a huge blog will follow on my arrival back in England.

same sex marraige

Ok so i was just randomly browsing tumblr today and everything and came across this awesome picture asking people how can same sex marriage be wrong, when all over the world there are really fucked up things going on with what is classed as 'real' marriage. I might not be gay, and i might not have any gay friends that are married or want to be married...BUT..i do have gay friends so i can understand how something like this can affect people. I don't understand how this world can be all about being equal when people cannot get married just because they are in love with someone of the same sex.

About a month ago i was outside in my (mess of, thanks to my dog) garden with my sister, and she told me she was gay, I've literally never been so shocked in my life, becuase she is one of the last people on earth i would have ever said to be gay...literally...but at the end of the day i actually didn't give a fuck, because i love her so greatly till the ends of this earth,I'd die for her... nothing will change that..I still hugged her alot and managed to sleep in the same bed as her...and it was ok, i felt safe because i knew her heart, i knew i was safe around her. This is a perfect example of what i'm trying to get across..she is my sister regardless, and all i want is for her to be happy in life...it hurts alot to think that she may now have problems, just becuase of what her feelings are like inside...to have someone i am SO CLOSE to that is gay, it's made me so much more passionate about it.

One of my guy friends...he is SO gay its actually hilarious, and he don't try to hide it...i love him for that, and the only thing that upsets him and gets him down is when people judge him just because he is gay. Why should he have to feel that and have to go though that? because its really not fair on him...

I found out a few weeks ago that an ex of mine was now going out with a guy, and it hurt me so much because i thought it was me that made him gay, but like my sister said to me over the phone, he was already gay and i was nothing to do with that..it helped me accept it...and now it just makes me so mad, that he had to live in a world where he felt he had to hide who he was.

I personally would not do that, because i know i have friends who will accept me, and if people don't they can fuck off, if i was gay, or bi sexual, or a transvestite or a alien, or a spy...or WHATEVER i would just say it...

It's not fair that people have to try and be something they are not, just so they don't have to go though they heartache of being treated like shit..spesh guys, i know some people won't agree with me but i really do think its harder for them than what it is girls.

just from this blog want to get the point across, i want nothing but the best for my friends, and i couldnt give a fuck who they are or what they are. how can THEY...and their LIFE be thrown away..its out of order and its not fair.

Just sayin.

Horizons Performance Company

Ok so i was just looking at my blog and realised the last time i actually updated this thing was nearly a month ago, sooo therefore im gonna do it now..:)
The past month has actually been totally crazy, I've just this second finished college, (yesterday evening i got to perform in my last show) and the weeks building up to it have literally killed me, in a way, yes i admit that i am happy that its all over, but i know that, thats only because of everything that is going on in my personal life right now, and college really did stress me out like crazy. Then in another way, I'm actually totally gutted, i got home and cried for ages yesterday, some of the friends i made there, have become some of my best friends, i don't know exactly how im supposed to survive as of this fall with not seeing them everyday and most of them going off to uni, which is so far away and i will most likley not see any of them again. Also the fact i now really do have to grow up, i seriously need to think about my future and what exactly i am going to do with it..all i have done for the past three years, is danced, performed and singed my way though everything and now thats gone.
Words cannot even begin to describe the huge part of me thats sad, the bit that crushes the relief of leaving in one easy punch. What hurts more is knowing that im not gonna be able to dance like that again ever, its simply too expensive to carry on that amount of dance classes outside,,,
Moving on and goodbyes really do hurt like a bitch.
Horizons Performance Comapny, you have given me so much, and it pisses me off that i could not have given more in the final year, i hate my self for it.. I shall back upon my time here with pride and with a smile upon my face.
2008 -2011 'Keep on thinking that it's not goodbye, keep on thinking its a time to fly'

2006 Young Americans

Last night i couldn't sleep i was upset and hurting in ways no one could ever imagine so i decided to watch the Young American DVD from 2006, I've never had a DVD before that constantly changes me even more every time that i watch it, and it's getting kinda sad now because the DVD is starting to wear out as ive watched it so much and its from 2006! :(
I still love that cast, i still can't get over their strength, i was watching the other night in awe thinking, 'how can they do this', 'how can they be strong'. When Alaina dedicated the show to Gweedo i started crying, and then literally didnt stop for the rest of the show. You can see the pain etched of the faces of every single member of that cast, but they stand with pride and they carry on and for that i am eternally grateful. When they sang RENT, they covered the version of i'll cover you (reprise) and oh my gosh, every single little word, was sung for Gweedo, It broke my heart to see them crying, I just wanted to hug them all, there is a part of that song where Shannon sings a line and the camera comes up close to her face..the pain, you can see, is just unbelievable. But she didnt stop. she was crying so hard, but she didnt stop, she never once said, i'm not doing this anymore. I wish nothing but good for these people. I've never met anyone so wonderful before. At the end of the song Jaimie lays a rose for Gweedo. It is, such a beautiful moment. The young americans, they pay for this entire thing on their own, this whole tour. They really are wonderful dedicated people, the second act with the kids was just filled with as much strength and love as the first part. One this little light Brooke is singing and gets a little scared, Alaina comes out and sings with her, it was BEAUTIFUL. Circle of life, you just need to watch the faces of every person on that stage to know they are feeling the lyrics. The director came on after and said this quote.
'now we could not have worked together has closely as we have for the past two and half days without some friendships forming, and some of these friendships, will last long after the applause dies from this hall, and maybe, just maybe, some friendships will last a lifetime. And need i say anymore this last song says it perfectly. 'If we hold on together'
It's ironic because i still talk to quite a few of this cast, whereas every other workshop i have done, i keep in touch with maybe a couple of the cast.
2006 cast if you read this i want you to know that i never ever forget you guys, nor anything you have taught me in the time i spent with you
'Until we meet again you will be in my heart and thoughts'
All my love.

Eurovision

I'm sitting her right now watching the eurovision and i could swear something is wrong with me, I've cried non stop since the second it started, the fact that it's based in my most favourite country Germany could be a big factor, the fact i miss that country and place with my entire heart. But the songs this year, already so many of them have been about world peace and love and hope and just everything that is so amazing, it really makes me wonder if maybe world peace will be one day achieved, after all, if so many countries are singing about it, surely they must want it badly. Music speaks the words of the soul.
I don't know why i'm so emotional, but i do know that it is shows like this that make me so proud to be British and from Europe, this event, is and always has been spectacular (although no-one does it better than deutschland!) I wish that the whole world could come together for a show like this, and then i wish that like this event, the world could all cheer for something together, the same thing...for people all over the world to be sitting in the same room, and not thinking about fights and wars that might happen between them.
Music is amazing it really is and this event, thats been going on for years, i hope will one day bring the world peace i so want, and the peace that so many others want aswell.
Anyway i'm off to actually pay more attention and watch the show
to be continued later :).....

A crazy weekend.

This weekend has been totally crazy, so crazy in fact, that I have not had the time to sit down and to write about it. After the news i received Friday i was in too much of a crazy and depressed mood to want to actually do anything to start with. On Saturday, i got woken up by my mum and all i could think about was, i want to go back to bed, i hate this, i don't want to go out, nor do anything. But then i was reminded that i was going out with one of my best friends Alice and i got ready and left the house anyway, just because i always and forever have a good time when i with her, she understands me completely. We arranged to meet at 11, so I got there and went off first for a walk, i found some beautiful poppies, sitting in a field alone surrounded by daisies, i got some really wonderful pictures. :).. Then i realised i was late and pelted it back to our meeting place to find no Alice, after an hour or so i started to panic, so i decided to try and drive to her house considering i knew roughly where it was, but i didn't actually know where i was going for real. I eventually thought i found it, and to my luck there was a guy outside in the garage, i got my nan to go and speak to him and he said that indeed Alice did live here and that she was still in bed, at this point i literally cried with relief because i was panicking that something may have happened (Alice is about as accident prone as i so i would have had some reason to!) Then i burst into laughter, so after her step dad told me i could wait in the house for her, and after i calmed myself, i went in, only to have Alice five minutes later fly down the stairs full of sorries and omg i cant believe i done that i never do that...i just wanted to laugh...I love my best friends, i dont think they realise just how much they make me smile just by being themselves.
So when Alice was ready we left and caught the train to southend, we were both tired so she treated us both to an amazing cold costa coffee :) We certainly got hyper by the time we had finished them :)
Sitting on the train we managed to have one of the most beautiful and most amazing chats, possibly one of the best i have had with someone in quite a while. This girl has an amazing heart, and i loved how we spent the whole journey talking about really personal things, only that eachother could understand, and for once when people got on the train, i did not feel ashamed, and i didnt hush my voice to barely audible. She always helps me to understand that an illness is an illness...and getting better takes time and its not your fault, therefore you cannot be ashamed of it. I wish i could be like that with everyone i am with, not just when i am with Alice.
Once at southend we headed off to the beach to do a photo shoot, although, after seeing how far the tide was in decided against it and that we would come back at a later time, just across the road, there was this beautiful little rock pool garden, and we went over to take some pictures over there. After maybe ten photos though i asked if we could stop, more than ever i was having an ugly day, and i did not feel myself being in front of this camera like i was. So we walked up to the highstreet and used the boots makeup selection to redo everything! Ok so it didnt exactly do wonders, i still felt amazingly awful but i felt abit better, my face was covered. We then popped into a shop and bought hundreds of sweets and candies, after blowing the balloons up and emptying the sweets into a huge decorative bag we went down to the beach and handed out free gifts of sweets and balloons to the children. It was simply amazing to see how all their little faces lit up over something so small, and that in this day is insignificant to many teenager and older people. One little girl came over with her slightly older sisters and brother. They could not have been older than nine or ten, and after giving them all a balloon and asking their parents if they could have a sweet we watch them walk around constantly holding that balloon, the youngest..(maybe about two or three) hugged her balloon like a teddy bear and didn't let go. Her parents were getting them all to stand for a photo holding their balloons. i could not believe the happiness that we brought to the young children like that. Another family that i really remember was a family of a mother, grandmother and grandfather, and their two young girls, toddler boy and six week old baby. The two young girls came over to us and were sitting talking, it was so sweet, so sweet, when all we had given them was a balloon and sweet each. After about half hour or so, their grandmother came back with an ice cream for them and their mother kindly asked us if we would like anything to drink, although we declined, i still cannot get over how wonderful and how sweet her offer was! The two little girls sat with us and kept asking 'would you like a little bit of my ice cream?' i couldn't get over how much they had taken to us, just thanks to a little bit of latex on the end of a string and a sweet. When we decided to walk along the sea front and hand out balloons and sweets to more children. The girls said, 'oh no, we will miss you' and that set it in concrete, exactly how much random acts of kindness can make a persons day! As well as doing a 'make humans happy' mission we also set about make the dogs happy mission, and bought a bag of dog treats, every dog we saw, we would ask their owners if they could have a treat. To see how happy the dogs were made me just so happy. After all the craziness that was our life, we decided to go grab a drink, and for me...A TOFFEE APPLE!!! my secret addiction, i bloody love them! Sitting on the pier i decided that i really couldn't be bothered to have an photos taken of me, i was tired and felt depressed. So we decided to head home then go watch a movie instead.
On the train home, after picking up yet another coffee, we decided that we could blow up the rest of the balloons on the train and put a left over sweet in each, by the time we got home the whole carriage was full of them! I'll never forget the guys sitting next to us, who were like... 'Um guys...have you escaped from somewhere?' and when i told him i was 19 and Alice 18, he looked even more freaked out by the whole thing! This is possibly one of the best memories of my life, this whole day, I love how with Alice i can be completely mental, and how every one of my other friends would have walked if we done that, oh and we also left a balloon in the pub bathrooms where we went before we got the bus :)
Despite being so tired i literally could not even walk, i had trouble sleeping that night and kept waking up, and 2am i went down to get a drink and my little hamster peace was running crazy round her cage like normal, then sitting looking at me when i went to the fridge hoping i would give her something to eat. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep so at 5am i came down and went to make a coffee, as i walked out i saw my hamster out of the corner of my eye gnawing on her cage like she normally does. When i got closer i realised she in fact was dead, i freaked out, Boo and peace was too much for me to handle, and burst into my moms room shouting peace is dead peace is dead, i didn't really know what to do. I named her Peace for a reason, to me she represented peace, and it broke me to see her dead, it was like the last chance of world peace ever being achieved had left.
I've had such a crazy weekend...i really don't know what to make of it, so many good, yet at the same time so many bad things have happened. Wow.

In loving memory of Boo

This Friday, i came home from college early, and was in a fairly good mood,i had just finished my last dance exam and felt that finally everything was wrapping up and that i could relax more, ok, so i think i done totally crap, but it was over, i didn't need to worry about it again. I danced my heart to Allie Moss' song called 'Prisoner of Hope'. The significance of that song is just so unbelievable, so unreal words just cannot describe it. I thought it would be good to dance to.
But the main reason for this blog, i was sitting on my sofa when the mail came though, my mom opened a letter and told me that Boo has passed away. Boo was one of my horses that i had at Redwings Horse Sanctuary. I'd adopted him a few years previous, and even though i didn't really get to see him much as he was so far away, i loved him, so so dearly i loved him. I remember back to when one of my most favourite horses on the yard i ride at died and i was in such a state, so i went to Ada Cole and the wonderful staff there brought him over to the fence, bearing in mind he is normally a very nervous horse, he let me cuddle him and cry into his mane without a care in the world. At Redwings, the celebrate the horses birthdays with a little party...this means that you get to go down and see them walked around a arena or paddock, and then they are fed a special 'horsie' birthday cake while the crowd sing them happy birthday. I remember the one time i was lucky enough to get to go and see Boo on his birthday, i've never seen him look so happy..spesh when a young girl bought him a new headcollar and he had it put on :)
It was so hard to hear that he was no longer here with us, i tried and tried not to cry but it didnt work, and i broke down into a state, i couldn't stop crying. Redwings is this amazing charity, it really is, and almost all the horses there have suffered greatly in life, Redwings rescues them and helps them to live the rest of their days in peace. I'm heartbroken that Boo is gone, but i'm also so grateful that he got that amazing care that he did at the sanctuary. He deserved it, they all deserve it.
So Boo, you may now be gone, but i know you are free and dancing and prancing around with the angels now, your an arab so i would imagine you look pretty fine doing just that, I hope you find Sidney up there, he was another one of my Redwings horses whom i loved so dearly. I hope you become friends and live forever happy....Hopefully Sidney has stopped eating so much grass so that god does not have to keep him in the woodchip paddock all the time ;)
I love you....thank you for being such an amazing spirit.
Rest in Peace, like i am sure you will, I'll never ever forget you.

Evil.....

My emotions are all over the place, completely mixed. I'm happy, yet sad, angered and relived.
Bin Larden in dead, and all i can say to that is good, he was one of the souls on this earth that was PURE EVIL. I am happy because he finally got caught, all his victims can be at peace and families affected can have a piece of mind. Sad...the second i heard is name this morning, i thought back to 2001 and cried and cried..the pain on people's faces, still rings constantly in my head. I'm angered, because i keep thinking maybe he should not have been killed...he's free...how can he deserve that after all the pain and suffering he has put people though? I just saw a man on the news who worked with new york fire department, and he said tearfully that 9/11 is with him every day and with everything he does. SO WHY THE FUCK, should innocent people like this get left with all these awful memories...the torture will never end, whilst he gets to sit up in the clouds laughing on at everyone he has hurt. Forgive me for saying this and i cannot believe this is coming out of me, but he should be captured and tortured, every day for the rest of his god damned life, i wanted him to feel every little bit of pain that he caused other people. I want him to cry, real tears, i want him to wake up wishing his life would just end because its better than being alive...I know thats awful, i know it, and everyone who knows me also knows i NEVER think like that, this case, is just exceptional. I am relived, or more i was to start with, because a tiny part of my heart thought, maybe this is over, maybe the world can start to go back to normal, but then no, that will never happen, because there are so many greedy and selfish bastards in this world...Jimi Hendrix once said...
'When the power of love overcomes the love for power, then the world will know peace'
He was right, its all about power right now, and with that 'demon' gone, there will just be more, and more and more...there are idiots that worshiped that man, who will continue on his work, in memory of him..what a fucking joke. Why can you just leave it alone now.?!?!?
Ok, I'm actually fuming, i could most likely go on forever ranting and ranting. The news broadcaster showed a video tape on 'it', and he was saying that he is 'not afraid to die for what he believes' well....THEN WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU GETTING OTHER PEOPLE TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK YOU FUCKING PRICK!!?!?!?! thats cowardly, and stupid.
I just hope that all the souls free up there that he has killed, will destroy his soul, he does not deserve an afterlife...he does not deserve anything but shit.
I still shed tears daily when i think about the 9/11, i know i'm not American, i know that, but that whole thing affected me big time, before that, i was innocent, i didnt know there was such evil in this world, after 9/11 i refused to get on a plane for eight years, and even after that, i spent the entire time crying my eyes out, i still get scared, i cant see a bag in the street without thinking it 'could' be a bomb, airports are crazy, as are train stations, the security is stupid....all because of this man...there is no trust anymore, and with reason.
'I was born to late, into a world that doesn't care' although to be honest i dont think it ever fucking did. I sometimes wish i was never born, just because i am so ashamed of what this world is coming to....
John Lennon had the right fucking idea and when people realise that we will be much better off.
to be continued...(trust me)

Heart from Japan

I just sent a link to one of the YA i met last week, and i realised in doing so that i should actually write a blog about them because they really have changed my life quite greatly. On the second day of the workshop i met a beautiful young woman from Japan called Arisa, we were doing a lyrical dance part of the workshop, and watching her dance literally moved me to tears, i couldn't breathe, in her dancing i could see the passion and hope that she had for her country. This was the only part of the workshop this year that i really did let go in after a little bit of pushing on Arisa's part.

We sat and talked for abit about everything and about her homeland and how beautiful it was, she saw my pray for japan band around my wrist, and as she touched it and said, 'oh my gosh' i instantly felt connected to her.

She was an amazing dancer and i was so lucky to have got the chance to meet such a beautiful soul, more than anything i have just wanted to find a random Japanese person and hug them, and with her i got to do just that.

I don't even talk to her now, but I still think about her and her country every day, and its making me cry writing this, because i really did hold back so much and not enjoy the workshop like i could have done, which means i didnt get to show her my complete 'true self'...i hate myself for that more and more each day, and what i hate more is the fact i will not do another workshop again..even after meeting people like this.

The Young Americans, really are a wonderful group of people, but there is always one or two on a tour that touch my heart in a way no other could. Yes, there were some amazing people on this tour but none like Arisa.

The end of my Young American stories.

KEEP ON PRAYING FOR JAPAN

Dear you

Dear you.
So i wanted you to know that your on my mind constantly, i literally spend every moment i am awake and every moment i am asleep, thinking about you and how much i miss you. I wish you were here, i wish it was not an age since i last saw you, I wish i knew i could see you again, I wish you knew how much you mean to me, because i'm too scared to tell you, what if i push you away, i'm much rather have you as a friend that nothing at all. I hate it because the people who DO know, think i can do better than you, but they don't see you the way i do, i see the good things, and they far outweigh the bad ones. I just want to be in your arms and feel you kissing me and telling me i am beautiful, because maybe, just maybe, if you said it i might be able to believe it.
Love from me. x

This innocence is brilliant.......

If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die. Dreams see us though to forever...as high as souls can fly. The clouds roll by, for you and I.....

Last week i yet again got to do another YA workshop. This year though, instead of being able to put all my heart and soul into it like i did previous years i had to hold back the entire time. It was frustrating, for myself and for i would think most of the YA. They were asking me to sing for them, and to dance for them, and i was literally so scared, paralysed with fear. I knew in my heart they would be supportive, because they have been, every single year. But i just could not do it this time, even are all the coaxing and begging. I hated myself for that, one of the YA said to me

'you have paid £50 for this workshop and it saddens me that you don't want to take part'

I understood where he was coming from and I felt really bad for it. This year i changed, or i have changed since the last workshop at least. I couldn't let go and enjoy myself like i used to in earlier workshops, i just know because of this, i highly doubt i will do another workshop, although, i do recommend it to anyone anyway. I did get one hell of alot from it.

Anyway, the point of writing this blog was simply because I was just looking through my YA photo album on facebook and my laptop, and it actually made me cry..alot. When i was younger i was so innocent, i think my first workshop i was only about 14..? Since then, somethings have really changed, ive grown up and made so many mistakes, it more and more takes away the innocence and beauty of doing workshop. Last year i made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and even though i am moving on from it now or trying, i dont think i will ever be able to get over it entirely. I think, that it got blown out of proportion, i mean, it was no way as bad as some people made it out to be, but still, that took away for me, the beauty of workshop. But i was scared to be there this year and to be doing the workshop, again that was/is a really stupid feeling to have. I wish i could go back to the innocence of childhood. I miss it...I miss it so much.

Like a sister to me.......

Over the past couple of days i got to spend some time with an old friend of mine of whom i have not seen in ages, it was amazing, full of tears and laughter, but also very bittersweet because i have a feeling it will be the last time i see them in a while, if not, most likely forever. When they walked back into my life and i spotted them in the corner of the room i could not get over how AMAZINGLY beautiful they had become, and i'm not saying that they were not beautiful before because of course they were, but she seems to get even more beautiful and even more stunning everyday. I literally do aspire to be like here in a few years when i am her age.

We sat outside with a cigarette in hand and just talked about everything and life, i've never been able to be so honest with someone, and i keep thinking now, do i regret it and the answer is no. I've had something I have been holding inside of me since i was a very young child, and i have never been able to tell a soul,one night i just let go and told her everything, it was amazing to get such a huge and overbearing weight off my shoulders. I am so grateful to have someone like that who i can be so close to and who does not judge me no matter what i say.

I wish there were around more and I literally hate being so far away, it's like they have a piece of my heart, like all good friends/siblings have, no matter what way your paths may lead, even if they lead in completely different directions.

I'll never forget this time, because yet again it has helped shape who i am, and has made me a much better person that what i used to be. It is because of people like this that the world spins and people have hope.

A day with Alice.

I have this friend, she understands me to a level i have never ever though possible before. Yesterday we spent the day hanging out, and what i love is that whenever i am with her i am just generally so happy. She has this amazing gift with a camera, something thats just so beyond her 18 years, something that i never thought possible, i mean, ive seen some good photographers but she is just amazing, we spent the morning and early afternoon shooting over hornchurch country park, we took over a hundred shots, and as per normal i was 100% sure i would look ugly and fat...everything that in the modern day world is classified as unattractive, but however when i saw the pictures i actually nearly cried, there were one or two pictures where i actually looked ok, not stunning, but ok..ive never ever felt that way about a picture of myself before it was magical. I love how i can be myself around her and how i feel i do no have to hide who i am, normally i am so scared about being photographed but with Alice its easy, its natural and i actually enjoy myself, there were a few pictures which i really did look ugly and fat in, and she deleted them the second i asked. I got yesterday a photo shoot that would normally have cost me hundreds, plus print outs and hundreds of photos to show. After we had gone back to her house to look at the pictures we caught a bus into Romford and had a catch up chat over a coffee, after we had a little walk and found i stall that was doing free child's face painting, in our total childless we got so over excited and went to go and get our faces painted only to find out that they had closed for the day, i was so gutted.! Then came the fun of toy shops, playing for hours with no cares and no worries, not worrying about what people think of us, just being free. I love her, shes one of my best friends and someone who i can talk to about anything that is happening in my life, everything i am going though she is going though as bad if not worse than me, its amazing to have a friendship with someone like this, im actually blessed.

next week.

Next week i am doing another YA workshop, and the crazy thing is, i feel totally different this time around to what i felt every other year. Normally i look forward to it and get so excited, i cannot even sleep. But this year i am actually scared, and still even now, not sure if i want to even do the w/s. I actually don't really know why i am feeling that way, i mean, the Young Americans are possibly some of the most amazing, fantastic people i have ever met in my life, I don't know why, suddenly this year everything has to change, my heart is in performing still, and i still am happy when i am showing the world the beauty of music and dance. But instead of being excited i am scared, nervous, and kinda wishing this week coming would go away. I'm constantly getting paranoid about things and keep thinking that nothing good can come out of me meeting these people, and they will end up hating me. I have never had this problem before at all, simply because the YA never ever judge you for who you are, they see everyone as an equal. I'm scared this year though, really scared, and no-one seems to understand me and why i feel that way. i wish they would because it would be so much easier to do. I thank god i have a friend staying at my house that week who is coming to the w/s with me, because otherwise i really don't think i would bother, and that would make my mum mad because she has already paid the £75 for me to do the workshop and show! Ah man, i really hate these confused feelings, why be scared of such an amazing, life changing group of people...? There are some people on this tour i have met before, and they are all so amazing, jenna, best tap dancer i have met in my life,and fern, well she inspires me all the time with her singer songwriter skills, when ever i feel there is no point anymore, i think of her and how amazing she is, and that one day if i work hard enough i might be as good as that. :) to be continued.

A horses prayer......

I just wanted to write a blog about something I've been seeing alot of on you tube recently. There are many videos of people riding horses harshly, of riders being flung out of the saddle, and what gets me so angry is the fact that people are writing comments such as, these horses should be shot! There were also many videos in which horses have been branded as 'evil'. I wanted to get one thing clear, with everyone who is reading this, all of the horses in the videos i have watched are not by any means evil, yes ok, some of them certainly may be troublesome, but not evil. It's gets me angry that people always seem to blame the horse, and say that it is never the rider, well 90% of the time it is the riders fault, and for the other ten, it is neither the fault of the horse nor rider. First of all we need to remember that horses were not built for us to ride, we are the ones that brought them into that lifestyle, and they adapted and grew with us, and team together, horse and rider...Secondly, they are naturally flight animals, which means the run away and if they cant run, panic and try to get away from things that frighten them, and at the end of the day, you can try and change that, but it's in their blood. I saw a video where a group of three people were trying to ride a unbroken pony, the pony went mad and bucked them off. They decided that because of this that pony is not worthy of a live and that it would be better of dead, well HOW THE FUCK would you like it if you had three people climbing on your back, take in mind the fact that the pony had never experienced this before, and three people on a 14-15 hand pony is just stupid, no way can a pony be expected to carry that weight comfortably, not only was he afraid but most likely in a great amount of pain aswell!!! There was a pony i met at redwings who had a dislocated back after foolish teenagers had tried to ride him when he was a baby, well now he is disabled and can never be ridden...does that not give more proof? There was also a video of this man trying to get this old and clearly stiff horse over as huge jump and when he knocked it down with his front hoofs he got such a beating i actually began to cry, you could see the confusion in the face of this horse, he had tried his very hardest to please his owner and now he was getting beaten for something he could not help.It's called respect, and thats all the horses and ponies ask for, you give them that and they will give you endless amounts of love in return. And the videos of riders falling off, with people writing horrible comments about the horses and their riders, well in this case, it is usually not the riders fault (unless they were riding incorrectly or they failed to see the horse was not fit to work) most of the time the horses have tripped or stumbled, that can clearly be seen in many of the videos and photographs, humans fall over all the time, so why should we be alloud to have accidents but not these beautiful graceful creatures that we are blessed to share our lives with. Ok i understand that some people do not like horses but thats no reason to hate them or treat them bad, and by no means does it mean they do not deserve a life. I hate spiders literally hate them and my god if i see one i will scream the entire country down...BUT i always tell my mum to get rid of it but not by any means kill it, i might not like them, but who i am to say if that spider has a right to live or not? i don't and the same goes for everything else. I know im going to get people saying that i can't see taking an animals life away to be a good thing, but of course i can. At the stables i ride at the horses are well cared for and well looked after, however, if a horse is in pain and suffering, it is ALWAYS decided that they will be HUMANLY put to sleep. Sometimes, for an animal to be free and at peace, you have to let them go, but no one has a right to take away the life of a perfectly healthy living creature. Horses are wonderful and a gift from above, when i die and go to heaven i will have a hard time staying there if there are not horses, i would rather go to hell if it meant i could be with horses i really would. They should be treated with love and respect, if a horse is scared or afraid, they should be taught what is right and that everything is ok, and if an owner cannot do that themselves they should enlist in help. They should be broken in gently and with care, it should be a new and exciting experience, not one that leaves them mentally and sometimes even physically scarred...I would know, the yard i ride at are wonderful for this, and you get to see horses from the moment they are born, to becoming amazing riding horses, and horses that are nervous wrecks become amazing calm horses. This is what horse riding should be about, so before you look at a video and instantly think the horse is a fault, think again, there's a huge chance that its not.