One of the hardest things ever...

Right so this blog, i need to get alot out, i need to vent it down somewhere, a place where i can't actually harm myself or get in the way of others.
So I've lost two of the people that mean the most to me within the past month, and what hurts me more than anything, is that i know for a fact it was my own stupid fault.
I've vented about friend one, so now i need to do friend two before i literally jump of the highest bridge i can get to.
I'm sick of myself, i sick to death of everyone lying to me. I'm sick of people saying that people care when i said all along the bloody didn't, and now finally i have been proved right. Sometimes people come into your life, who change you SO much, and words just cannot put into words how much you value their presence in your life even if you are the best writer in the universe.!!!
This friend..or ex friend now, whatever, nothing is going to change the fact that she really did change my life and make me such a better person than what I was, she touched my heart and impacted greatly upon my life, and now, I've lost them from my life because i'm a fucking failure and can't even talk to people right. I will always say to people that i wish i could have a hug and that i wish they were there with me, because at the end of the day, there are thousands of people unfortunately for me, that are all over the world who i would like a hug from..and i say it to ALOT of people, and i just guess that this person thought i was relying on them too much. I'm not gonna bother fighting it out with them because i fully believe that you need to let things go, and that everything in life happens for a reason but...i wish it DIDN'T have to be this way, because this was a person whose presence i valued in my life VERY much. However from this i have learnt that i was right all along and that i cannot trust anyone, and i wish so much that people would finally understand that and not keep going on at me, at the end of the day i know myself better than anyone else, i do have to be with myself 24/7 so it's a given.
I know now that i can't believe people when they say they care, or maybe i can...i dont know..but instead im just a bad person that pushes everyone away...i'm trying to decide right now what one of them is the right option.
I hate that i let everything get blown out of context yet again, and now i would give anything to turn back time, and have life set a different plan from me...i'm trying not to cry over it because i had a huge cry yesterday, I'm trying not to let it drag me right down again to the point of suicide like my friend last month did (yes things hit me hard i got very very down) i was SLOWLY coming back up again, so i'm trying not to go back down again. I'll just sit here pretending i don't care to everyone, because that's the way i roll, and that makes it easier for me to cope with when i am with other people.
I can't believe that i thought if i stayed away from men i would be ok, i thought that if i kept clear from them i wouldn't get hurt by people i care about, when in fact, i get hurt a million times worse by people who are 'friends'. I actually don't know what to do anymore, i am loosing all the people that i love from my life and fast, it's getting to the point where i give up and just dont want to bother living anymore..
I want to use this blog now (even though no one really knows about it ) to say sorry to everyone i have ever hurt in my life, and that i think maybe i should not bother anyone now...it's best if i go though this life on my own with no one, because at the end of the day, this time its one of the people who i actually didnt rely on much at all that thinks i rely on them too much...
Urgh i hate life......

It would be better....

Ok so this is a poem i wrote about my friends 'self harm' problem. She said that her blade was her best friend sometimes. So i've tried to write that in aswell :)

I think it's really important people understnad she is not just crying for attettion, i mean only a few of us know...

A river of deep blood red

Running down my arm

Why can they not understand,

By this i mean no harm?

It makes me feel much better

It sorts out my head

Takes away my pain

Plauges my arm instead

I pick up the gleaming silver

Sometimes he's my best friend

I hold him to my forearm

For my hurting he will tend

Slowly he opens up my pain

I see it all run out

All the anger and the crying

No more need to scream and shout.

One day maybe i'll go to far

Maybe i'll cut to deep..

But in the end does it really matter

I'll no longer have to weep

I REALLY do not care

It would be better if i died

Everyone would be so much better off

If i were not alive