Letting go

This is letting go....This is trying to move on from someone who means the world to me...It's trying to accept within the deepest parts of my heart where i have you locked away that you don't belong there anymore...I feel like i'm ripping out a part of my own heart by letting you go, but when everyday your presence is making me hurt more and more what am i really supposed to do?
I believe that love is forever, true love is forever, because trust me when i say that i will always be here for you whenever you need me to be, thats something i believe and something i know i will always stick with. This is not about 'un-loving' its about moving on from something that no good is coming out of..a relationship that is destructive (be it as lovers or just friendship)is not good for no-one and it's just best to move on from it.
Don't get me wrong i wish nothing but the best for you, exactly why i am doing this, not just for myself, but for you too, because in both ways it words i can do better than you and you can do better than me, because we are not for eachother and there are people out there who suit better, once you findd them, surround yourself with them instead. There is no way a persons soul can grow when your stuck fast in a relationship thats dragging you down.
This hurts me so please don't think i am going to walk away from this without no tears, because trust me there will be many, and i'm writing this not even knowing if im gonna be able to follow though with it, because i really cannot imagine my life without you, I'm hoping that by writing it down i will be able to see what is best for us both. I think that, this needs to happen, for the both of us...
So...goodbye, I wish you well and that your life is full of beautiful things and you meet people that are perfect for you and make you happy.
I love you, and that i always will do. This is letting go. x

18 tage :)

With 18 days until i finally get to go back to Germany, i am beginning to get more and more excited, Germany is my heart and my soul and means everything to me. Yesterday i was looking at pictures and videos from the last time i were in this beautiful country and i literally broke down in tears, I've never missed a place so much in my life...
In 2006 i started doing this performance workshop called the Young Americans, and actually, it's pretty much thanks to the YA that i have friends in Germany, and we learnt a song called 'Happiness'..well when I am in Germany i will stand in the middle of a crowded train station like Cologne and sing that at the top of my voice, including the actions to go with it...

'Happiness is everything and anything at all, thats loved by you'

I just loved it, to see the look on the faces of people, when they clearly do not have a clue what is going on or what i am doing or singing about..but most of all i love the smiles that normally appear seconds after...to see young girls singing happy and free....in Germany they seem to appreciate things like that more than anyone in England ever would.
I love how for the time i was in Germany people just accepted me, my friends used to take me out with them and their friends, and they were just like, HEY, not once did i ever feel like they didnt want me there, in fact, i have made quite a few good friends from this way aswell.. The family i will be staying with in a few weeks i met randomly on a visit to see a YA workshop in the fall, i am so so so excited to get to spend time with them and get to know them all better...also the fact i have never really been to this part of Germany before, the whole idea gets me crazy and hyper, i cannot wait.
I want to get back to Munich at some point for abit, because its freaking amazing there, it's just a matter of fitting it all in...I'm not well enough really to be out of the country right now for me than a week...i would most likely have a breakdown, therefore touring around would only stress me out. But i have hope to get better, and next year, i will be able to spend my entire summer out there with everyone that i love and care about...lets hope...
i believe...in this case i really do believe, because i've never known something i want as bad as this. :)

Maddy's birthday!!! xxxxxxx

So yesterday evening, i went to a party for my beautiful friend Maddy's 17th, I was having a really shit day and was seriously thinking about not going and just staying home, the idea of being in a crowd of people made me feel ill..but i swallowed my pride and went, and i am so glad that i did because i had a wonderful time, and that was without drinking, I'm actually proud of myself for that..ok i couldn't stay for the entire party because that would have been too much for me...but since recently, being able to be out from 8-10:30 is a very very good step for me..!

I am so happy that i got to see my beautiful Charlotte again because i have not see her in so long now that it is actually crazy! (Only since april but for me that is a reallllyy long time).. Maddie had this door of her house where people were alloud to write notes for her birthday, and after half hour of so, Charlottle and I, along with this awesome guy called Nick who we had only met that night decided to go out and write stuff on this door for her, however Nick instead decided to write this crazy note making ridiculous suggestions about Charlotte and I, then promptly sticking it to the wall with this huge smile on his face... so I, in turn done exactly the same back to him, this must have gone on for a good hour or so, the paper gradually starting to cover the wall of Maddy's stairs hahahah :) But oh it was a good time...wonderful funny times, poor Maddy when she came and saw that...! :) although she found it funny. I must also say that all of Maddy's friends are totally awesome!!! I've not really met a group of people like that, where i have felt like i fitted in right away with everyone..By the time i was getting ready to go home it seemed that SO MANY people were drunk and i just could not stop laughing, music was playing, people were dancing and everyone was just going INSANE...i finally for half hour or so really really managed to let go and just dance, something that at a party i need to be drunk to do!! It really was an awesome night, i got to meet some great new people and catch up with old friends whom i havn't spoken to in a while..

Thank you so much for inviting me Maddy! Love you very much xxxxxx

Sometimes it hurts instead....

'I won't let you, close enough to hurt me' I fucking LOVE Adele and right now this is my new motto to life...I've decided that from now on, in order to keep myself (and others) from getting hurt this is something that maybe needs to be listened to..I'm learning now that there seems to be so no such thing as friendship, because EVERYONE hurts you, and everyone leaves you, and i know this blog is totally out of character for me, because normally there are people i will say i can ALWAYS rely on, and yeah THEY are still there,but what happens if they go too? I'm just stepping with caution, thats all. Loosing anyone from your life hurts, and loosing someone from your life who is A: your best friend or B: not even really a friend just someone who impacted your life a big deal is even harder. It's broken my heart..not made it better, and i know, that loosing the two other people in my life who i would die for would kill me...literally, that would be like taking the air that i breathe away. I don't want to push them away from me, but then at the same time i don't want to push THEM away from me enough for them to leave forever. From now on i will pretend with them that everything is ok, and even when they argue, which i know they will, i'll just dismiss it...again caution..not to hurt them, but to stop them getting hurt... I don't want to loose more people that i love, and i'm scared of doing that...so i think it really is time to step away now...I'm scared of myself because I'm scared now to love, and love is all you need.

One of the hardest things ever...

Right so this blog, i need to get alot out, i need to vent it down somewhere, a place where i can't actually harm myself or get in the way of others.
So I've lost two of the people that mean the most to me within the past month, and what hurts me more than anything, is that i know for a fact it was my own stupid fault.
I've vented about friend one, so now i need to do friend two before i literally jump of the highest bridge i can get to.
I'm sick of myself, i sick to death of everyone lying to me. I'm sick of people saying that people care when i said all along the bloody didn't, and now finally i have been proved right. Sometimes people come into your life, who change you SO much, and words just cannot put into words how much you value their presence in your life even if you are the best writer in the universe.!!!
This friend..or ex friend now, whatever, nothing is going to change the fact that she really did change my life and make me such a better person than what I was, she touched my heart and impacted greatly upon my life, and now, I've lost them from my life because i'm a fucking failure and can't even talk to people right. I will always say to people that i wish i could have a hug and that i wish they were there with me, because at the end of the day, there are thousands of people unfortunately for me, that are all over the world who i would like a hug from..and i say it to ALOT of people, and i just guess that this person thought i was relying on them too much. I'm not gonna bother fighting it out with them because i fully believe that you need to let things go, and that everything in life happens for a reason but...i wish it DIDN'T have to be this way, because this was a person whose presence i valued in my life VERY much. However from this i have learnt that i was right all along and that i cannot trust anyone, and i wish so much that people would finally understand that and not keep going on at me, at the end of the day i know myself better than anyone else, i do have to be with myself 24/7 so it's a given.
I know now that i can't believe people when they say they care, or maybe i can...i dont know..but instead im just a bad person that pushes everyone away...i'm trying to decide right now what one of them is the right option.
I hate that i let everything get blown out of context yet again, and now i would give anything to turn back time, and have life set a different plan from me...i'm trying not to cry over it because i had a huge cry yesterday, I'm trying not to let it drag me right down again to the point of suicide like my friend last month did (yes things hit me hard i got very very down) i was SLOWLY coming back up again, so i'm trying not to go back down again. I'll just sit here pretending i don't care to everyone, because that's the way i roll, and that makes it easier for me to cope with when i am with other people.
I can't believe that i thought if i stayed away from men i would be ok, i thought that if i kept clear from them i wouldn't get hurt by people i care about, when in fact, i get hurt a million times worse by people who are 'friends'. I actually don't know what to do anymore, i am loosing all the people that i love from my life and fast, it's getting to the point where i give up and just dont want to bother living anymore..
I want to use this blog now (even though no one really knows about it ) to say sorry to everyone i have ever hurt in my life, and that i think maybe i should not bother anyone now...it's best if i go though this life on my own with no one, because at the end of the day, this time its one of the people who i actually didnt rely on much at all that thinks i rely on them too much...
Urgh i hate life......