I want to travel the world

Ok, so tonight i was bored and didnt have a clue what to do with my time, i'm just sitting up in my room, literally with nothing to do and i'm bored as hell. She told me to blog so i guess thats what i'm just gonna do, now as you can see from my previous blog i'm not feeling to great right now, I'm fine, don't get me wrong i mean i have my butterfly there is no choice but to be fine..but i don't know...hmmm 
Well this morning when i woke up i must have spent hours on end writing and drawing in my journal and part of it was i made a list of the countries i want to visit more than anything in this world, and i mean, i want to be able to end my life if i live it long saying i've seen the entire world but if i cant do that then i at least want to get these places in as they are up the top.
So basically the ones that are ticked are the ones that i have already been to and already visited, it gets me super excited to think i still have all of these amazing places to go, and trust me when i say, i will get there and i will visit all of these places even if it takes me forever.
I have this incredible friend called Alice and she is literally my best best friend in the entire planet and thankfully, she has got this crazy travel bug too :) She also is Irish, so that just gives us an excuse to visit there, and we are both OBSESSED with Norway (another thing that should be happening soon, photography week in Norway :)) and of course, the pictures will be on here..i think my blog would be never ending over the time im in Norway, or at least, it would be when i got home for a few weeks. I've got alot of places on that list that also not many people would really consider, like the countries where the whole place is in poverty, but the are the ones that need people to visit the most, and they are also, the countries that i know i will find the most beautiful.
Iceland is another place i have recently become obsessed with since this morning when i saw a blog about it on here, i randomly came across it when i was looking for new blogs to follow and fell head over heels in love with the pictures...So yeah... 
Basically if there is anyone who has been to these countries could you let me know a little about your experiences please :)

Major blog update :)

Hey my beautiful readers so first off, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL PEACE DAY! even though its nearly over in England, still I thought i should just get it in anyway..:) 
Ok, I've not blogged yet again in a while, my life really has been crazy and full of different things going on, I've not had the time to breathe let alone do anything else....!

First things first I'M GETTING A LOAN HORSE!!! I am actually so excited, so one of my best friends Sarah, well her friend is loaning one of her beautiful horses to me and i am just so excited and it's for a cheap price that i don't think you could beat :) I'm so happy :)  This is perfect for me and has come at just the right time, i am so lucky to have the opportunity to do this, normally its something i would never be able to think about because of money and everything, but it IS something i have wanted my entire life...and when i started riding my desperate urge to loan/own/share a horse became unbearable...but this horse, he is amazing, and has the most perfect owner who is going to be there to help me every step, although i think i should be ok (i hope)

Second, I'm actually going back to Germany sooner than what i expected to be and i'm going to be doing two YA workshops with my beautiful family and the most amazing thing, is that i am going to get to see SO many of my friends at the first one it's going to be like one crazy Reunion and oh my gosh i am just so excited for it.

The past few days have been really hard for me, and it's these small things that keep me going and keep me happy and give a reason to carry on another day, I even went out with some friends sunday night which i have been to scared to do in ages, so i was actually proud of myself for that one :) 

Also something in the near future that i have to look forward to is my short trip to America, im freaking out over that i actually can't wait! My friend i am actually flying out to see, well I was looking at her facebook page today and all i could think was OH MY GOSH HOW MUCH HAS SHE CHANGED, and it's crazy because even though she was an adult when i met her, its like looking back at photos she was just a girl and now shes this even more beautiful and strong woman and i just cannot wait..she inspires me beyond any kind of measure so i know so much good will come out of this trip. I will be honest, i am scared after all these years she is gonna hate me, which is dumb, REALLY dumb because that woman let me tell you is not capable of hate...Then I'm worrying about the plane journey because i don't really like flying, i kinda see it as a thing i have to do when one of my dreams is too see the beautiful planet that we live on... 

But i don't know i went online about a week ago to have a look at my flight prices again and they had literally trebled, and i cried so so hard because it meant i would only be able to go Utah and not take my beautiful friend on a trip else wear with me...(i have this thing of feeling guilty alot and always want to make up for it, and i love giving to people so it figures i was gutted, and i was also i admit sad because i REALLY wanted to go to Nebraska, even of no where else...butttttttt i went into a travel agents the next day and told her what happened and she managed to get my flights for even lower than what the cost before! I was literally gobsmacked :)  I'm so excited now :) I know i get to spend a little time in Chicago and Dallas aswell :) 

Anyway just thought i would update my readers, i really have been struggling recently, and i've been trying to balance everything out, just thought i would let you know about the things going on for me that are keeping me strong. I really do believe that no matter how insignificant they are to others if they mean the world to you then its worth it... 

Love to you all.. xxxxxxxx

How do you measure a year in the life?

journey back...back to only yesterday even though it seems a long while ago for me and i wrote a blog about what i was gonna do with my future as off that moment in time, well, it turns out, none of that is gonna be happening anymore...

I went into college today (well actually yesterday I'm writing this at half five in the morning yet again cant sleep) and spoke to the guy who enrols people upon their courses that they want to study, so this was all going well until he looked at my results from previous exams and shit that i have taken, and it turned out because i had already done, passed and completed as level three course, (A-level) i didn't need to redo GCSE's even though i wanted this more than anything, as they are level two. He said by all means he could enrol me but it would be costing because i would have to pay the fees...which is literally when i lost all hope of that dream right there, spesh when he mentioned £6000 i mean what the hell for GCSE's!?!?!?! not worth my time, I'll just go do a BA at some point in my life, screw that! 

Anyway i was really down about this at first because for the past week or so i was getting it all planned out in my head, so i could feel calmer and not have to worry about my future and what i would be doing with it. I cried..i cried alot (when i got home) because i felt like a total failure, i got good grades in my mocks, but then screwed up and got very ill, had to be in hospital for six months and my results showed it..ok i didn't fail but i wasn't exactly happy...I got it into my frame of mind that i would never amount to anything and never do anything right, and maybe thats true...but just now i was sitting thinking...really thinking..and I've decided to do some travel for a year or so, as, when and if money and everything that life throws allows me to. 

I have this awesome friend called Alaina in who lives in America, and it's basically a LONG story but she has inspired me greatly, to such lengths (i will just write a blog about it later actually) whom i havn't seen in years..five, nearly six to be precise in fact, it will be about six years by the time is see her, and i have always wanted to go out to America and never had the chance so this is it :)  I'm basically gonna go to her hometown (which ive seen pictures of and fallen in love) annndddd i used to be obsessed with mary-kate and ashley, they shot one of their movies there so i really would like to visit it, and hopefully get to hang with her for a few days...that...will actually complete me...

Then i have my fantastic, crazy pro style loser twin, she's actually from Canada but will be over in Munich for a month or so in December and January so I'm gonna get to spend time with her, which i haven't done in over a year, but not before spending new year with my wonderful friend Kira whom i haven't seen in nearly a year, (and that will be over a year by the time the dates come around to go!)... 

Theeennnnnn  in May i'm back over to Germany for jazz fest with me stunning German sis Helen, before coming home for a bit and going out again to my second German family to see the young Americans dinner theatre again...and i mean, they are just the ones that i have set in stone...(in my head anyway) and they are also the ones that HAVE to happen  lol! If i have any money after then i wanna also hop on a plane to Berlin to see my friend there Katja (I LOVE HER SO MUCH) and to Spain with Hannah, maybe a girls holiday and then maybe to Jamaica to see my beautiful friend there, ooohh and photography trip to Norway or Ireland, i mean i don't know, i know not all that will happen this coming year but i want as much as possible of it to!!! Then when im not busy i want to spend all my time volunteering and working with children and old people etc....maybe do some fundraising for help the heroes or something.... I DON'T KNOW.... 

But I do know that this is something I've wanted to do for a long while, just maybe not quite so soon!! But oh well, life throws things at you and you have to learn to cope with it, when push comes to shove you generally can, i will achieve this dream and no one will take that away from me! 

Germany Day Six...

So today i woke up majorly sad because it was my last and not even full, day in Germany and that made me really sad..i really did not want to go back to England. My beautiful little brother woke me up early as Janine had to go to school this day and i sad that i wanted to go with her, trust me when i say it actually FUN there (spesh when you can just piss about and don't have to work!) i think it's the best way in getting to know what life is REALLY like in Germany...anyway, my mom had to work which meant that i had to say goodbye to her then i wouldn't get a goodbye that evening :( So i went into school and lasted till i think about 1pm before i went home to crash out, i'd literally had no sleep the night before. By the time i woke up it was like 4pm and and it was getting ready to leave for the airport time!

I think that the airport i was fly from (Dortmund) was actually one of the smallest i have ever flown from (with the exception of weeze) but yet i managed to get majorly lost and was walking back and forwards looking for my gate for ages, i ended up having to ask one of the police officers for directions, and he simply laughed at me, the amount of times i travel, and the amount of much larger airports i fly from, and i HAVE to get lost at this one!.

So when i boarded the plane i was the first one on, and this made me really happy because it meant that i got the seat i wanted :) but it didn't stop me crying my eyes out as the plane left, my heart was breaking literally, into tiny pieces, the thought of leaving such a wonderful place hurt my heart.

Getting off the plane i was confronted with all the riots in England (I'm going to write a blog about that ASAP) but like seriously? I wanted to get back on the plane there and then, I'd just landed from the most beautiful country in the world and back here, welcome back to hell.

Germany Day Five

Day five, is the day i think, that captured my heart more than any other day that i had been in Germany this time, we went back to a little area which was another part of Herkules but this time it was like the little forest nearby to it. Walking along a little path all i could hear was the delicate noise of water falling, i don't mean the Niagara falls, i mean literally just a little gentle noise, a peaceful kind, that feels any one's heart with hope...Janine led me up some steps and i turned to see the most beautiful sight i have ever witnessed in my entire life, there was this amazing little water fall, nestled in amoungst the trees, across the little stream was small rocks to use as stepping stones, it was like a complete back to nature experience and it was perfect :) I don't think that there was ever a moment where i put my camera into my bag, because there was never a moment i spent there NOT seeing something beautiful that i wanted to take a photo of, i took over a hundred that day !. I felt free, sitting on a large rock looking down to a beautiful waterfall and stream, NATURE everywhere and i never wanted to leave, i could have sat here for the entire day if i was able to...just wow...simply wow...After sitting taking in the peace and entire freedom of this beautiful place (thanks to me maybe for a little bit longer than everyone else wanted)we decided to go for a walk though the trees, which of course, for me, meant making friends with them! I have a tree in England whom i try to go and visit alot of the time and to give a hug to, i know most people think i'm insane i know that because of the looks i get! but i really do believe that the trees feel that, and they feel love and it makes them happy! After all the they have to be loved, if it was not for them we would not even be able to breathe! I saw this tree and more than any other tree i felt drawn to that one! and sat wanting to hug it for hours, so now, that tree, is my tree in Germany, i now have a reason to need to go back to this beautiful place often and hug this beautiful part of the earth! I was actually fairly said to leave despite being there for so long!

After popping back into Kassel for even more ice cream (yes again it is just so yummy!!!) and after also having an allergic reaction to this tiny bit of chocolate (wonderful), i was asked if there was anything else i wanted to do as it was my last full day in Germany, i said, i wanted to hang out with some horses, soooo we went back home for abit so i could take my medication to help bring my breathing back to normal, i felt so lucky it was only a little bit! oh chocolate if you had ruined my stay in Germany i would have killed you! Then my wonderful friend Nadine knocked on the door i was so freaking happy to get to see her one last time let me tell you! it practically completed me to a point where there was no going back, i wanted to cry, i was trying so hard not to cry, it was perfect.! Ok well after that we hopped in the car and drove to this beautiful little yard not too far from where we lived, the second i opened the door i got greeted by a beautiful little dog called Luna who was all over me saying hello, i thought it was so cute! And as for the horses...well! they were wonderful! there is something about being around horses that puts this smile on my face to a point where i cannot feel sad, and this was certainly how i felt being here, there was this beautiful little four month old foal who was so interested in everything, i went to give him a little stroke on his nose and never left!!! bless his little heart he kept me there for about an hour! everytime i tried to walk away his beautiful little eyes, chocolate color but deep at the same time drew me back, he kept giving me little kisses, including my face and arms, so in the end i was totally covered in all this wonderful baby horse slobber, then i was over with this cute little tiny pony who also decided he wanted to suck on my face so i had all that wonderful slobber too! but you know what i really didnt care i was just so freaking happy....this day well...it was just perfect, i think maybe althoghter with my camera and my dads camera we took about 500 photos...certainly a fair few of them are going to be printed off for my bedroom!

KASSEL GERMANY

So yesterday i flew back home after one of the most wonderful weeks of my life, i cannot believe how beautiful Kassel is and that i have never visited that part of Germany before. I am quite lucky because i have a few friends living in this area so i can really bunk down with any of them, as they are always offering me places if i need a place to crash anyway!

This time though i was staying with the beautiful Falkenau family in Hessen, when my flight touched down in Dortmund i was completely exhausted and also a little nervous as i'd only met this family once before and i was scared they would end up changing their mind about having me stay. The instant i walked though arrivals though i knew i had nothing to be scared of, i was greeted with warm and smiling faces and a hug, I got told, 'Welcome back to Germany my beautiful daughter' i couldnt have been or felt anymore happier if i had actually tried...on the drive home (160km oh man) i thought i would fall asleep but i felt so awake and was able to laugh and joke with the family, despite there being a language barrier. The best thing was arriving at their house to find they had decorated it all up for me, i had been given my own room, my own computer, and a little table full of yummy things to eat and drink! I instantly felt a part of their family..! We all sat around to a meal which my wonderful host mom had cooked and they asked me what it was i wanted to do that week as apart from friday we had nothing planned, and i remember that all i could think was, I AM IN GERMANY! I DONT NEED ANYTHING ELSE!!!! Then we had to go to be because it was really late, but i know i was laying there for hours, having to pinch myself that this was real...it felt just too good to be true! I have too much to write in one blog so i will actually do this over a few blogs :) one for each day :)

And the countdown begins!!!

Ok, so it's officially less than a week till i go to Germany and i am totally freaking out over it! I literally am so excited that it's just totally crazy! I was looking at pictures online yesterday on the places i will be visiting and staying in this time round and i was sitting there crying like a total idiot just because it was so beautiful. I know my life is going though hard things at the moment but i do have hope that the natural beauty will lift me up and give me a sense of freedom...six days will mean i am not away to long, but that i also get time with nature and my favourite country. My bags are (pretty much) all packed and ready to go, for the first time in my life, normally i am stilll packing at the airport haha, i must stress my mom out so much! I am staying with this beautiful wonderful family in a town called Hessen, and already i feel at home there and i have not even arrived, they have made me so welcome! I'm worrying so much about my German this time though, so my hand luggage is now huge with three German vocab books to help me learn and help me in general haha! I'm never gonna forget the look on my moms face when i brought this huge dictionary down and showed it in my bag...here i am now wishing that i went to a school that done German lessons! This is always the thing that scares me most about being in a foreign country, spesh if they do not speak English much or at all...
I know that sometime during this week i am also going to get to meet up with my beautiful friend Nadine (and maybe Ines i hope!) and this just makes me so happy...i jumped up and down screaming for an hour when i heard that she lived 15 minutes away from the town i will be in! So i think that this day i will get to spend it with my host family and nadine in Kassel, and it just excites me so much.. Then i think it is on the friday we are going to be going to a beautiful little town just outside Kassel called Bad Karlshafen so i can get to do some sightseeing and have a look around a town which i have wanted to visit since i saw the first ever picture! I am then going to be swimming with my wonderful fam before going out in the evening, now that is the only part i am scared about lol...for reason i don't even want to begin to explain..!
But ahhhh i'm so excited! I keep looking at my clock and hoping that suddenly its time to leave for Germany, when actually all it seems to be doing is making it drag more!
I cannot wait!

home time

Tomorrow i am off to Germany again and i actually don't think i could be happier. Germany really does make me happy, i love everything about that beautiful country and i do not care what people think or say about that.

I cannot wait to be back in a country where the sun shines even when its winter and rain is pouring down, because of the people, and the culture, it warms my heart and makes me feel so amazing. I cannot believe i am only going for three days this time and ok so that totally sucks but i guess i should be happy that i am going at all.

I'm so freaking out over tomorrow, i hate planes, i mean i love flying, but i really dont like this danger factor that comes with it, i always have a little freak out, spesh on landing and take off...but i'd do it everyday if i had to just to see Germany. i am so excited. no doubt a huge blog will follow on my arrival back in England.