&& When you have nothing left, i'll still love you...

Four people, four people i have in my life who i literally dont think i would be able to function without, my sister, my best friends and twinnie, the reasons i breathe and have hope, the people i can turn to though anything and no matter what is going on within my heart and head. This is blog is dedicated to you guys. 

Alice: My beautiful sister, i am so truly blessed to say that you are my best friend and that i have you in my life you are there for me though thick and thin, even when you don't have time for yourself you have time for me, your the kind of friendship i can be 100% around, i could literally walk around your house in my pj's dragging a duvet and you would not bat an eyelid because Katie would most likely be following behind....You would just laugh and say how much i fit in with your family. You are the person that has sat there when ive been at my lowest, when i tried to kill myself you were there, up the hospital till all hours even though you had college in the morning...Remember that night i was in a state and crying so much, and you held me tight till i fell asleep and only then let yourself sleep, even though you ended up going to college yet again on one hour of sleep. Your a brilliant photographer and you give me all these photoshoots where i actually look ok (i promise one day when im beautiful i will let you do a shoot and get some BEAUTIFUL photos) I literally could not live without you, your such a huge part of me it's unreal, i cannot even start to think about what i would do if i lost you. I would be a mess, i would die i know that for a fact. I love how there is not one thing you do not know about me, you literally know everything and still love me...and that, is one of the many reasons I love you! Alice thank you so much your incredible :) <3

Jenna: oh hell i miss you so bad it's actually unreal! how dare the world be so horrible and keep us apart so long? oh twinnie i miss you so much, i really really do. I don't think there is one day that goes by where i do not think of you and all of the wonderful memories we shared, I'll never forget how we used to sit up all night and talk about changing the world and healing people and we would want that so bad we would end up crying, in tears but at the same time so happy to have found someone to share our heads with... I miss how i never stopped laughing with you, how people would stare, i miss singing happiness in cologne station, we need to stop! wait no! we dont, it's too much fun i dont care what people think. Remember NYE 2010 and me being completely smashed and running out your house barefoot in the snow screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSHNI!!!!!Thank you, thank you for putting up with me for hours on end and not giving up on me where other people prob would have, it means so much, i think i met you, in the middle of one of the hardest periods of my life, and we still became twins....I just have so many memories i cannot write them all down...When we both tried to run into starbucks and feel though the door hitting our heads together, laughing SO loud on all the rides at movie park even the non funny ones, the train rides, your teacher loving me soooo much,my german,my singing wicked in german, your granny being like 'oh no' whenever we came in the room..HAIR DYE....I MISS YOU SO MUCH and i love you, get back in my life please twinnie, thanks. x

Emma: Smellypoobum! I guess that i love you...even though you are a bully and bully me and your horses. Oh and Hayley, and Jodie, and everyone, mean! ;p Why am i friends with you? Ha no seriously Emma you are incredible and i really am blessed to have you as my friend, i know we have not known eachother long in comparison to Alice and Jenna but is still love you just the same, you gave me my dream of having my loan horse i always wanted. You helped me to learn so much, you sat there no matter how frustrating i was. YOU NEVER GAVE UP ON ME..thank you for that, im getting so much more confident now so thank you. Your horses literally are so lucky to have you, as am i, and Hayley, and Jodie and Debbie and literally everyone else down at the yard, and actually everywhere! You are an incredible rider and i LOVE watching you with the horses, most of all Cariad, you look at one with her, something i dont think i will ever be ;P Thank you for making me laugh when i was feeling down, for acting stupid on trains in the middle of London, and to have your nan and Hannah sitting there like 'oh.my.god do i even know them' and just how whenever i am out with you its like a play date with a 5 year old, i can complete be my childish self, unfortunately for Hannah if she is with us because she ends up looking after us... ;P Our 'food storage' never failed to make me laugh...and i love your squeals when i bring you chocolate...oh but i dont like the whole thing where you put bright red lipstick on then chase me round boots trying to kiss me!! I love your way to comfort me so beautiful, me:' so yeah he said im a slut how the hell does that work?' you:' you are a slut your my slut...' and then when we decided we were gonna get married, i actually think Vicky's mum was about to crash the car haha! I love how we are 'special' and that there is noone like us, :P i love how we talk about stupid things like retards the entire time. I love you and your heart, thank you for being a part of my life. BUTTERBUM <3

and last but not least Courtney, for staying up with me the entire night last night, thats basically why you are on this blog because you dont realise how much that picked my mood up, ok the fact i have STILL not slept makes me feel like im dying but haha was totally worth it! Thank you for making me laugh! even if i did wake people up..that you for making me realise how important 'hettie' was pahahahahaha *creasing up again*  GAH i just love you, i cant believe that even though we were close, we never really got to sit and chat until last night. I dont reallly know what to say because i need to get to know you better but your already on this blog.. SCORE! heheh ;) I have not felt that understood in forever, that you for making me realise that its not just me men are complete arseholes with, it makes me feel so much better, so much you cannot even understand. Thank you for helping me rediscover my love for finding new music...actually thats the reason i'm writing this blog, so Alice,Jenna and Emma all have you to thank for this, so, i have one problem... WE DONT HAVE A PICTURE TOGETHER!!! we need one, soon asap please...i feel this blog is missing a sock without our photo on it!!!!

But all four of you i love you guys to death
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qomnSLpcpIs
Heres a little gift for you all
Hope you like it xxxxx 

Courtney Cox

Ok, this post is something I've been meaning to do for the past few days and i just never got around to it in typical Vikkie fashion...I have this friend called Courtney and like me she likes to write alot, espesh when she is down and feeling low, and becuase of this, because her blogs always come from the heart, they are really deep and filled with emotion. I mean, when someone first starts a blog it's normally hard to get promotion for it..to get it up and running, so i thought i would give her a heads up on here so you can all go and check her out!
Courtney is a super good friend of mine and i mean, she's another one, yet again like me that sometimes no matter how tired she is pshyically, emotionally her mind will not let her sleep, so it means we get to be up talking to eachother for hours on end at stupid oclock in the morning...hence why we have actually become pretty good friends. 
I just..i read her blog and would never have thought it came from a 19 year old's mouth, such knowlage and wisdom, its just incredible, i am so blessed to have her in my life, just before writing this i was actually sitting reading her whole blog the entire way though and some of it made me cry, some of it made me laugh and most of all it helped me understand life. Courtney is always saying how much i change her life, well if you could read the things she writes you will see why she changes my life!!! 
Just yeah :) you should totally check it out :) I have a huge feeling her blog is going to do very well, so be the first to see it ;) 
Love to you all

http://courtneysimagination.blogspot.com/

Sometimes it hurts instead....

'I won't let you, close enough to hurt me' I fucking LOVE Adele and right now this is my new motto to life...I've decided that from now on, in order to keep myself (and others) from getting hurt this is something that maybe needs to be listened to..I'm learning now that there seems to be so no such thing as friendship, because EVERYONE hurts you, and everyone leaves you, and i know this blog is totally out of character for me, because normally there are people i will say i can ALWAYS rely on, and yeah THEY are still there,but what happens if they go too? I'm just stepping with caution, thats all. Loosing anyone from your life hurts, and loosing someone from your life who is A: your best friend or B: not even really a friend just someone who impacted your life a big deal is even harder. It's broken my heart..not made it better, and i know, that loosing the two other people in my life who i would die for would kill me...literally, that would be like taking the air that i breathe away. I don't want to push them away from me, but then at the same time i don't want to push THEM away from me enough for them to leave forever. From now on i will pretend with them that everything is ok, and even when they argue, which i know they will, i'll just dismiss it...again caution..not to hurt them, but to stop them getting hurt... I don't want to loose more people that i love, and i'm scared of doing that...so i think it really is time to step away now...I'm scared of myself because I'm scared now to love, and love is all you need.

My best friend

So today i had planned to meet up and go for a walk with one of my best friends Alice, but after having a really bad night the previous evening i was certainly debating going, not because i didnt want to see my friend, but simply because i felt so shit and low, and didn't think there was any point. However,i then remembered how Alice is like a clone of me, i decided to go anyway, as she always makes me laugh..and makes me feel better about myself...she understands me to such a depth its crazy! So i pulled myself out of bed, had a quick was and threw on a hoodie and a pair of jeggings..i really did not care about anything, i just made sure i had a little bit of make up on, with a face as ugly as mine i fucking need it!
I got my nanna to drop me off at her house and then we made our way over to this beautiful country park near her home...I love it there..i mean really love it, because it's just so beautiful and just so peaceful...it gave us a chance to catch up and talk about life..it gave me a chance to get everything off my chest and out into the open, with someone who does not judge me and listens to what i have to say. We got walking and actually didn't realise how far out we had gone, and like retards, when we got to the end of the pathway we were following, instead of going back, we decided to just carry on walking and go up another path of which we had never been down before... It was wonderful walking there, as it was so quiet....so so so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop...the sun was in the sky and the gentle breeze was blowing so i was perfectly comfortable...after walking for about another 10mins we came to another cross road which branched off in three ways...thinking we could be adventurous...when knowing our luck is a bad idea, we decided to cut off the path an walk though this beautiful corn field...when we got to the other side though we realised there was nothing there except for this small country road, which none of us had seen before or recognised....So we turned back on ourselves and made our way back to the cross road..from there we actually got lost...again..totally and utterly lost...and even after about another hour when i DID find an area of park i recognised, it was flooded so we had to go another way...only then did i realise i had my beautiful iphone in my pocket and we used that to get us back on the main road...soaking wet, feet in agony and covered in mud...we made our way into hornchurch for coffee, and i actually dread to think what people must have thought when we walked in!
I actually loved every moment of today...because at start i was literally on the brink of suicide, and thank you to my beautiful best friend i have managed to get my head to much clearer and better place..for now..i love how every laugh and joke just comes natural because we both have the minds of five year olds..!
Ah anyway :) I'm going to shut up now...please check out this site!!! We plan on doing a hug mission of this around here asap ...! :) www.operationbeautiful.com

save me from this road im on....

'Jesus take the wheel take it from my hands, cuz i can't do this on my own, i'm letting go so give me one more chance save me from this road i'm on, Jesus take the wheel.'
I've just been sitting here listening to the wonderful Carrie Underwood and all her music and albums, and Jesus take the wheel came on..it got me thinking...even if i don't really believe in Jesus and God, that sometimes maybe the thing we need to do is to just stand up and let fate and destiny lead us on the right path. The past week for me has been so hard, and i've been breaking down in tears alot and not being able to cope with my heart and my feelings. I'm learning that some things are really hard, but at the same time you learn more and more everyday who the people are that you simply need in your life to survive, ive been trying to kid myself that i dont need no one but i dont think that is true. Friendship to me is so important. Sometimes i do stupid things, and risk breaking that relationship, which to me, means more than any 'proper' relationship with a man would..even if it WAS Johnny Depp (i can dream..and pray...and really pray) ;) but..i think, when im down and sad...i forget that, and just do things without thinking about the other persons feelings and how that could affect them. I never ever mean to hurt someone and the thought that i do always makes me mad at myself, when its someone who means the world to you its even harder. I just sometimes don't imagine myself living without certain people in my life, and the fact that ive pushed them away out of my own doing hurts me so deeply.
I also learnt that alcohol is not a good mix with depressive moods and feelings, I've learnt the VERY hard way that it generally fucks everything up. Thats the reason ive been like this for the past week, what hurts the most is knowing that you cannot change what happens in the past even if you want it more than anything else in the world. I went to a party to other day and didnt drink, whereas normally i would not have thought twice, one event, has literally changed EVERYTHING for me. Listening to Jesus take the wheel, i think just helped me to remember that i cannot changed things that have happened, and the fact i do not know what the future will holds for me. I need to just keep holding on and trying...i believe that destiny and fate will save me....

same sex marraige

Ok so i was just randomly browsing tumblr today and everything and came across this awesome picture asking people how can same sex marriage be wrong, when all over the world there are really fucked up things going on with what is classed as 'real' marriage. I might not be gay, and i might not have any gay friends that are married or want to be married...BUT..i do have gay friends so i can understand how something like this can affect people. I don't understand how this world can be all about being equal when people cannot get married just because they are in love with someone of the same sex.

About a month ago i was outside in my (mess of, thanks to my dog) garden with my sister, and she told me she was gay, I've literally never been so shocked in my life, becuase she is one of the last people on earth i would have ever said to be gay...literally...but at the end of the day i actually didn't give a fuck, because i love her so greatly till the ends of this earth,I'd die for her... nothing will change that..I still hugged her alot and managed to sleep in the same bed as her...and it was ok, i felt safe because i knew her heart, i knew i was safe around her. This is a perfect example of what i'm trying to get across..she is my sister regardless, and all i want is for her to be happy in life...it hurts alot to think that she may now have problems, just becuase of what her feelings are like inside...to have someone i am SO CLOSE to that is gay, it's made me so much more passionate about it.

One of my guy friends...he is SO gay its actually hilarious, and he don't try to hide it...i love him for that, and the only thing that upsets him and gets him down is when people judge him just because he is gay. Why should he have to feel that and have to go though that? because its really not fair on him...

I found out a few weeks ago that an ex of mine was now going out with a guy, and it hurt me so much because i thought it was me that made him gay, but like my sister said to me over the phone, he was already gay and i was nothing to do with that..it helped me accept it...and now it just makes me so mad, that he had to live in a world where he felt he had to hide who he was.

I personally would not do that, because i know i have friends who will accept me, and if people don't they can fuck off, if i was gay, or bi sexual, or a transvestite or a alien, or a spy...or WHATEVER i would just say it...

It's not fair that people have to try and be something they are not, just so they don't have to go though they heartache of being treated like shit..spesh guys, i know some people won't agree with me but i really do think its harder for them than what it is girls.

just from this blog want to get the point across, i want nothing but the best for my friends, and i couldnt give a fuck who they are or what they are. how can THEY...and their LIFE be thrown away..its out of order and its not fair.

Just sayin.

Horizons Performance Company

Ok so i was just looking at my blog and realised the last time i actually updated this thing was nearly a month ago, sooo therefore im gonna do it now..:)
The past month has actually been totally crazy, I've just this second finished college, (yesterday evening i got to perform in my last show) and the weeks building up to it have literally killed me, in a way, yes i admit that i am happy that its all over, but i know that, thats only because of everything that is going on in my personal life right now, and college really did stress me out like crazy. Then in another way, I'm actually totally gutted, i got home and cried for ages yesterday, some of the friends i made there, have become some of my best friends, i don't know exactly how im supposed to survive as of this fall with not seeing them everyday and most of them going off to uni, which is so far away and i will most likley not see any of them again. Also the fact i now really do have to grow up, i seriously need to think about my future and what exactly i am going to do with it..all i have done for the past three years, is danced, performed and singed my way though everything and now thats gone.
Words cannot even begin to describe the huge part of me thats sad, the bit that crushes the relief of leaving in one easy punch. What hurts more is knowing that im not gonna be able to dance like that again ever, its simply too expensive to carry on that amount of dance classes outside,,,
Moving on and goodbyes really do hurt like a bitch.
Horizons Performance Comapny, you have given me so much, and it pisses me off that i could not have given more in the final year, i hate my self for it.. I shall back upon my time here with pride and with a smile upon my face.
2008 -2011 'Keep on thinking that it's not goodbye, keep on thinking its a time to fly'

A day with Alice.

I have this friend, she understands me to a level i have never ever though possible before. Yesterday we spent the day hanging out, and what i love is that whenever i am with her i am just generally so happy. She has this amazing gift with a camera, something thats just so beyond her 18 years, something that i never thought possible, i mean, ive seen some good photographers but she is just amazing, we spent the morning and early afternoon shooting over hornchurch country park, we took over a hundred shots, and as per normal i was 100% sure i would look ugly and fat...everything that in the modern day world is classified as unattractive, but however when i saw the pictures i actually nearly cried, there were one or two pictures where i actually looked ok, not stunning, but ok..ive never ever felt that way about a picture of myself before it was magical. I love how i can be myself around her and how i feel i do no have to hide who i am, normally i am so scared about being photographed but with Alice its easy, its natural and i actually enjoy myself, there were a few pictures which i really did look ugly and fat in, and she deleted them the second i asked. I got yesterday a photo shoot that would normally have cost me hundreds, plus print outs and hundreds of photos to show. After we had gone back to her house to look at the pictures we caught a bus into Romford and had a catch up chat over a coffee, after we had a little walk and found i stall that was doing free child's face painting, in our total childless we got so over excited and went to go and get our faces painted only to find out that they had closed for the day, i was so gutted.! Then came the fun of toy shops, playing for hours with no cares and no worries, not worrying about what people think of us, just being free. I love her, shes one of my best friends and someone who i can talk to about anything that is happening in my life, everything i am going though she is going though as bad if not worse than me, its amazing to have a friendship with someone like this, im actually blessed.

Letter from a friend....

So i need to write another blog, because something has just happened to majorly affect me! I was sitting reading though all the letters and different things in my (now huge) memory box and i cam across a letter from a friend of mine that she had written about two years ago.

Never before has something given me such hope, it's amazing, that just a few words on a paper, which may seem insignificant to so many people has so much impact upon my life. I cannot believe looking now that i forgot i had that letter, i cannot believe i have not looked at it in months, i used to sleep with it under my pillow for christs sake!

It's such a beautiful note full of heart, love and spirit, and it reminds me of that person, and of the fact that the things in the letter, are things they say to me in real life anyway! I'm not going to mention who wrote this letter, i think i would actually die from embarrassment if they knew and saw this....so just in case they do see it (highly unlikely) i shall keep it schum :)

I was sitting there on my bed crossed legged just staring, literally staring at this letter, reading it over and over again, and no matter how hard i tried to not do so, my eyes filled and overflowed with tears, I miss them, i miss them so much, i'm going though so much right now, and i keep thinking that if their letter has that much power over me imagine what that person could do if they were here! There are days right now where i just want to crawl into a hole and die.... I don't think i would be alive without this person, i really don't, and when i'm feeling down, finding a letter like this, really, could not have come at a better time. I am so thankful.

INSPIRED AND BLESSED.

Across the Oceans

I miss Germany, i mean really miss it, i need to get back there asap...from the moment my plane took off back on January the second, my how spirit and soul has ached to get back to where my heart is. I spent all summer, some of fall, and new year in Germany last year, and they were the best months of my life. I have some of the greatest friends out there and the flights are short and cheap, which is awesome because i don't have lots of money and i really hate flying.

I keep dreaming about the beautiful houses and plants and everything that is in Germany, it's just so clean it shocks me, i didn't know a country could be that clean. I really can see myself moving out there for good one day, ok so not right now, because i don't have the money and my German is crap!

I feel so happy there and at peace with myself, sure there are things i don't like, but then nothing is perfect, but the amount of good things far outweigh the bad, and are also far more significant in general.

I know i'm going back for a weekend in june to go to a festival, i wish i was going longer, because that would just be amazing, but right now i need to be home, where my dancing is...i hope i'll get to go more in the later months, or more, i have too, my soul depends on it.

One of my best friends lives there and everytime i go though something hard, i pray for them to be by my side...i miss the laughter all the time, and just how carefree life was..a lot like life when you are younger you live for the day. When i'm out there i do that, just because i simply do not care what is around the corner, because what will be will be and my present is fantastic.

Germany has my heart entirely, it's my home away from home.

Oh i miss.....

When people change.....

Oh i sometimes do not know why i am bothering anymore with you.

It's always about you and life always revolves around what you want. I am sick to death of everything being on YOUR terms, like really...

I really am fed up of only being your friend when you want me to, you keep me hanging the whole time, and then more often than not let me down anyway. Thats not ok, and you know what..? It's about time that you learnt that. But then it's also about time i learnt to tell you this to your face and not just write it on a blog, hoping that you might see it and realise it's you i'm taking about.

One day i will get the courage to tell you exactly what i am feeling, you make out to be this 'amazing friend' but only when you want something, when it comes to ANYTHING to do with me, then suddenly your 'too busy' or 'don't have the time right now' It hurts...i need to learn to say no to you, and i need for you to understand i am not just a go between, and somewhere to go if you have no one else,i have my REAL friends and i would much rather be spending my time with them to be perfectly honest.

Urgh, i cannot believe how out of order you are being. Friendship can be a right pain sometimes :/

Those three words.

'Those three words, are said too much, but not enough'

I LOVE YOU

I just wanted to write a blog about something that has really been bothering me for quite a while, and something that, no matter how much i may moan about it, will not change. I am fed up of people throwing 'I love you' around and using it in the wrong context. It's wrong to say i love you to someone when you don't, and equally it is wrong to not say i love you to someone when you do. Love is strong....REAL love is amazing..and i'm not talking about 'the one'..I'm talking about love in anything, friendship, adventure,dreams,stories,hobbies...literally ANYTHING. It makes me sad that people think love is an awful thing. I keep saying it and i will say it again, that LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED. It's sad when people feel they cannot agree with that, just because the love word was thrown around to much at some point in their life.

I have a tattoo around my wrist reading 'amor vincit omnia' which translates to love conquers all..and I've had people tell me its a stupid tattoo to get. Ok, well first of all, who the hell are you to judge me..? I clearly got this tattoo for a reason, and it must have meant something, im not one of these people to just get a tattoo for the fun of it. Secondly, it's a very true and meaningful quote. I'm normally get told things like, 'my boyfriend/girlfriend/friend told me they loved me and were always there so i told them about '.....................' ' and then they left me alone to deal with it and told the world. Well I've had that done to me before, and its what i mean by saying i love you is thrown around to much...If someone loved you, clearly they would have no intention whatsoever of spreading something so personal around for everyone to hear. They would also not leave you and try to support you as much as they can. Sometimes, sometimes it's not possible for them to support you like you would like for them to...but it does not mean they don't care, just that what you are going though they cannot understand...i personally feel that its much better to say to someone 'look i dont know how i can help ive never been there to understand but i will be there if you need a shoulder to cry on' than to say 'oh i totally understand what your going though' when clearly you don't..pretending to understand normally makes the situation worse. honesty is best. :)

What I'm trying to say is that you should look for the REAL love in your life, the people you have known forever, who have always been there for you, the ones that even when you have no make up on and a massive spot on your face will still say. 'I love you and your beautiful' and the things you enjoy to such an extreme that you simply cannot be unhappy when doing it, for example for me that would be dancing or horse riding (note frustrated does not count as hating something, because if your still carrying on at it you must love it!)

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Real love is amazing, i made it my new years resolution to only say i love you when i mean it, and you know that so far i'm doing well...There are people i never said i love you to because i was too scared...I told them i loved them and in some cases i made their day... On the other hand, i know there are many people i have juse been saying i love you to for the sake of it..if i'm not sure, I simply don't say it to them anymore. There are many forms of love though, i have love for everybody and every living thing on this planet, In this resolution i was just talking about friendship love etc...

I don't know i mean, it's just a thought and i'm not making no body change their ways, that not what my intention is, I'm just saying think before you say those three small words. I love you is eight letters long but so is bullshit, make sure you mean it before you say it :)

Thank you for reading this long (slightly OTT blog)

LOVE xxxxxxx

I miss our friendship

I miss you, too much, wayyyyy to much, I'm sitting here tears pouring down my face, wishing you were next to me. I need you love and i need you hugs, I cannot believe i didnt realise before just how much i miss you, it actually hurts, more than any other pain i could describe.

I'm scared to tell you, because we never really talk anymore, i don't want you to think im obsessed, i guess it's just that we used to be SO INCREDIBLY close, and now, well now we are just not...I found a picture of us from a few years ago and it just brought back all of the good memories and good times that we had together.

You were always there for me, and we literally told each other everything, I don't know what changed, your you and i'm me, i guess that its this thing we call life, and nothing lasts forever no matter how much you want it to. I just wish we could be like we were, where we could call each other and text just to say i love you or check in. I took that friendship for granted, and now it's gone, well i miss it one hell of alot.

I don't wish to turn back time, because at the end of the day, i would be back here anyway, it happened for a reason, i just wish that, this was not what had to happen...

I miss you and our friendship.

All my love.

love and hate

Why on earth can people not believe me, I mean i know my vision of myself may be a little bit wrong, but I think i know if someone hates me and does not like me, it's blatantly obvious.
I wish people would believe me and not keep telling me that i am being stupid and saying things that can by no means be true.
I am sick of people saying i am such a loved person, because i really really am not, I'm constantly thinking about how much people hate me and it tires me out and makes me feel awful.
I wish people would understand and see the truth...
i REALLY do.

Love never dies..???

I was on tumblr today, and i saw a quote on my friends page saying

'It's better to have loved than not to have loved at all', it was a post she'd wrote in memory of her friend that passed away,..

I was sitting there thinking about it, and think that maybe, that quote is actually wrong, i mean in this case at least.

It's talking about love in a past tense, as if there is no love there anymore, which i think is kinda dumb, just because someone passed away does not mean love instantly has to be snatched from both sides.

I think love is one of those precious things that is always there. I mean, the real true love. Once you love someone, i don't think you can 'unlove' them, yes, if they do something bad enough, you could end up hating (strong word) them. But i really do not that the love goes away. How can you love someone, and then just not.

REAL LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

That means no matter what that person does, and even if you can never bring yourself to look or talk to them again, there must still be a little part of you that loves that particular person.

I think that if you can unlove someone, then you never really loved them at all.

Take me for example, i had one 'friend' that treated me like crap, one of my best friends, and i don't talk to her now, but i loved her, and i know as much as i don't want to admit it, i still do, simply because she was such a big part of my life.

Love is just so beautiful i don't think it could ever go away completely..

I wish that where there is war, there could be love instead, the world would be perfect...i mean as perfect as perfect could be.

Love love love

Love is all you need

Where did it go wrong?

Tell me where did we go wrong?
What changed.?
What the fuck did i do, to make it all go like this.
I hate not having you in my life.
And what makes it worse is that we used to be SO tight and could tell each other anything..
To say best friend, cannot even begin to come close to what we were like
i hate it...

Thinking....

Ok so i figured out, that i really do have some wonderful friendships in my life. and i mean ok, some people really don't give a fuck, and they never will, and as if i will ever be able to do anything about that and change it.. It's not gonna happen.

But those very rare people who i CAN call my real friends, are they, or are they not, the best thing that could ever possibly happen to my life. ?

And you know what i also figured out..?

It's the friends who i don't constantly talk to, and the ones in which i sometimes hardly ever see, that are the most loyal and trustworthy, and there for me when i need them...

It's not the ones that go 'oh your my best friend' even though it's clearly not true...

It's not the ones thats completely ignore me until they want to find something out or get something off me...

It's the ones who remind me, every now and then that they will always be there for me.

It's the ones who sometimes just have to give me a hug or say 'i love you' for me to feel better..

It's the ones that say, i will do everything i can to help and understand you..and not the ones that say 'i totally understand' when they don't.

Sometimes it's the people you have never met in person...but when you do meet, you realise your like twins...so amazingly alike..but so beautifully different at the same time...

I don't want to lose those people, the day they go I'm gone too...but i really should start getting rid of those unhelpful idiots who pull me down the entire time..

Oh well...I'm grateful for who i have, and thats all that matters.. :)

I've heard it said

Oh wow, so i was just randomly listening to music on you tube and stumbled across a video of 'for good' i was watching the emotion and heart going into the characters and broke down a little...

I realised how many people i have in my life that have changed me for the better....and i also cried, because i was sad i hardly knew them anymore, at least the majority of them.

I wanted to write them a blog to just say how amazingly grateful i am...

It's the little things that have changed me...all the little ones...but for now i want to dedicate this, to the small few who REALLY did change me...

'It may well be

that we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me day before we part

So much of me,

Is made of what I've learned from you

and you'll be with me

Like a hand print on my heart'

Rosh: Oh my gosh chica, you made me see life in a totally different way to what i used to view it, and i am so blessed to have known you for the past 4/5 years. Thank you for everything and you everlasting beauty and sou...you taught me to see the good in people that the world had given up on. You taught me different ways to look at things, a way to look, that is more positive and understanding, i cannot thank you enough for that, it means so much to me, like really..:)

Emma: Because you are like my sister, from the second i met you we clicked and i can honestly say i think i would be dead right now if it was not for you, i pretty much could tell you anything and you would be there, even if you were busy, i dont think you ever judged me either and thats the beauty of it...it makes you even more special...you have a wonderful heart and i dont think i would ever want that to change.

Charlotte: Because you like the other half of me!! I adore you to little pieces i love how you stand upp for what you believe in, for example HOW HARD you work to keep ben's memory alive and to raise awareness of knife crime...it's magical what you do it really is. i love how the little things no matter how silly have a huge significance to you...just becuase of the person who gave them or the memory behind it, that is amazing..please never ever change anything about your self or who you are, you already as perfect as you could possibly be...

Ericka: Omgosh, your like a little mini Roshni! Your totally amazing...!! You have such a beautiful soul and heart, and what makes me cry and brings me to tears is the fact that you are still so young, i have never seen someone that young be SO BEAUTIFUL in the way you are. I love how we have so much in common...it's just awesome...and i cannot wait till the day i FINALLY get to do a workshop with you :)

Sarah R: Your smile your smile your smile!!! It lights up my heart and my life, and you always make me feel better about myself, i love everything about you. i love how you are so amazingly beautiful and yet you still talk to me!!!! i love how you are SO POPULAR and make time for me, i don't understand why you would do that. Again never ever change, everyone adores you the way you are...

Sarah B: I LOVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU...you really are one of my best friends you are always there for me, even when im having some major boy crisis problem, or evn something more stupid than that! I love your bluntness.... 'VIKKIE what the hell are you bloody thinking love you can do SO mcuh better' thank thank thank thank you :) Xx

Sarah C: ANOTHER Sarah but also another best friend of mine, You give me a reason to get up sunday mornings when i would rather stay in bed, because i know when i get down the yard we can have a good old chat and giggle....and normally a good bitching session to..: ) You understand me....your amazing ...

Jenna: MY TWIN, MY OTHER HALF, MY SISTER...i'm not even going to write anything, ebcause i simply cannot put it into words.....ok :)

and everyone else...

Wiana,Steven,ALL the young Americans,my college friends (spesh Ellie) Sophie, Daisy, Ellen...Spazzums, OMG THERE ARE JUST SO MANY!!! :)

Liebe

Missing....

I hate that feeling when you miss someone...

The feeling when, you feel there is no where you would rather be than with that person.

A person who helped shape who you are today, who guided your way so often when your world was full of darkness..

A person who is like a mother, sister and friend all in one.

And the beauty of it is..you know for a fact that are like that with EVERYONE else too...

You know their heart, and the full beauty and truth within it.

It hurts you own heart, in knowing you are thousands of miles away from them, and most likely will be for a long time to come..maybe even for the rest of the time you are living..

They are amazing,simply amazing,the kind of person of whom make you believe in the presence of angels...i think, i can honestly say, there is only three people i can think of...who are too good to be human...

I wish more than ever i could be near this person, and just to hear the beautiful voice and words of wisdom.....and to see them smile...and get a whole room full of smiles in return...to see them dance...with such conviction and such PASSION...it makes you believe that dance really is the cure to everything.

I wish i wish i wish..and i wish there were more people in the world like her..it really would be a better place..

A Sarah make they whole world smile and have passion leader...and a Roshni world peace and inspiration leader and maybe a little Wiana helping Roshni with her own added dose of total CRAZYNESSS.... hmmm that seems a perfect world to me... as long as there were horses..

But right now...i miss Sarah more than anything else, more than i have missed someone in a long long while. I miss how when she is in the room, the whole atmosphere changes, its just so much lighter and brighter..

I love her to the end of the earth...I AM SO SO SO SO SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD HER IN MY LIFE.....

although it sucks..that i'm too scared to send it to the person it's about...

x

wondering...

I hate feeling like this.
That feeling I've done something wrong, and even worse the feeling that your lying to me when i ask if your ok.
We used to be best friends, more like sisters, even twins...
and now...well everything has changed...
I can't talk to you like I used to, it hurts like hell, you were one of the people i was closest too, i mean, i could always be myself around you, i never had to hide who i was or pretend to be a different person to what i really am.
Maybe i am being paranoid i don't know, maybe i am being really stupid but i really have this feeling that what i think is true, is true.
I wish i knew what happened and what made everything change so suddenly. i sometimes wish i had not come to visit you the last time, because sincce then, everything has become fucked up.
Oh i don'tknow...i wish things were differnet..
and maybe just maybe, i wish i was not so paranoid!