Another lion king blog

Here i go again,going off on one of my lion king rampages...for anyone who hates lion king..I'm sorry i advise you not to read. I actually havnt spoken about my obsession this year...i dont think. So now is a perfect time to write again.
Well today i wanted to write about the dance i done with the YA in the fall and yes i have spoken about this dance many a time before but i just felt i wanted to write more about it...about the guy i learnt the dance from and the whole experience that time.

Everytime i dance the Lion king with the young Americans i feel something different, i change a little inside...another piece of my heart is opened up...my head is clearer...but oh my gosh...the last workshops i took, i flew to Germany, i literally have never seen a more amazing cast, or more, i have never trusted a group of people enough to let them in like i did with them...I mean even the company director oh my gosh (Tina) I loved her to hell and back, and it broke my heart inside when i had to say goodbye, just as it does with the YA. People always seem to overlook the director, well both Tina and I had our last workshop in Gotha which is a beautiful town that  fell in love with, and the kids were incredible...and there is this medley dedicated to the world, to working together to create something beautiful....and I was watching Tina the entire time, and in the end i was like 'screw it!!!!' and asked for her to come sing with us all, it was literally the best feeling ever, the best. NEVER BE AFRAID..even if you hands are shaking...and your faith is broken,...even as the eyes are closing, do it with a heart wide open. Don't be afraid. It's ok.
But Tina was beautiful, she touched my heart and..wow...she was like the perfect director for such a perfect cast...
Where i do so much performing arts stuff, I'm used to working with lots of different people and moving on and never really seeing them again and i deal with that pretty well.  I mean my heart will break at the time but i get over it pretty quickly...well...i still miss this cast..more than ever i still miss this cast with every fibre of my being, whenever I'm having a shit day (often recently), i always try to look back..at what that cast taught me.
I'm gonna try SO hard to take all of it into the workshop i am taking next month..although physically i am so ill right now, i don't even know if i will cope with workshop...but if i am ok..if i manage to not faint, or end up crying I'm in so much pain with my stomach haha..then i will try and give it all i have.
This cast...( I love how i go off subject all the time because i have so much to say) I couldn't ask to have met better people...in the worst of situations i cope so much better..When Topper died in december, i cuddled into my little irish man at the stables and gave him a hug (that horse is my life)...instead of being stupid over something that was indeed just a part of the circle of life...My butterfly tattoo, instead of self harming all the time...i consider all that cast to be a part of that butterfly...they all mean that much to me.
OK..I'm gonna actually do the blog i came to do....first of all i would like to dedicate this to a girl who helped me a lot and her little baby Maisie...for the meaning of lion king..I hope this brings you strength. love you.
So I danced this dance with Rob this time (and with this amazing other boy who i think was called tom..i'm 20 in a week or so my brain cells are dying i can't remember!!!) and it was perfect because i knew the dance from previous stick dances, so i really got to focus on the meaning behind the dance and song even more than ever. I remember Rob saying to me something along these lines.

'The best of the sticks like you already said is the heartbeat, now we start that heartbeat, thats why your centre sticks, that why i picked you i think you are the strongest in the workshop. We are going to go out there and dance from within us...' Well...even in rehearsal i cried every single time, and the best bit, i felt different every time..thats what i love about dance, most of all lyrical, it has so much power and so much soul.  The first time i learnt the dance (this is to shadowlands btw) Emma taught me that it was a story....going through something hard in your life and getting to your lowest of lowest and coming back up again...(and yet again i'm crying my eyes out this always happens!) Everytime i try to reflect that within my movement...and when i'm up on that stage in front of people i just want to give the message, and the fall cast taught me not to give a TOSS what people thought, or how much of a bad dancer i am just to dance..The best moment came when Nartan took my hand and said i danced the entire Lion King medley with such passion and such heart, like oh my gosh that just meant a lot..the trying not to cry thing was a struggle then too..When he said he could see the whole story i was telling from within my eyes...that meant more to me than anything else ever...

I just want to explain the heartbeat thing and this Maisie is where it becomes a message for you and you mum. When i was in workshop, i learnt the heartbeat was what kept all us all together, the heart beat made us one.. and one i keep with me, is that no matter where i go i will still have my heart beating along with all the people i was blessed to dance that dance with. Even the kids who i didn't take workshop with, from that dance i was taught, we are all connected in a circle of life...even when our time on earth is over, as long as a heartbeat, somewhere remains, that person/loved one never dies..NEVER...Their heart beats though YOUR heart.
'They live in you, They live in my, their watching over, everything we see, in every creature, in every star..in your reflection they live in you.'
The circle of life is the most beautiful concept ever...it gives me hope i will see my grandad again, the man who was my father to me. It gives me hope i will see my friends i've lost again and all the little animals, as insignificant as they may be to others, anything that meant a lot to me..it gives me hope i will see them again.
To me..i now believe that nothing is ever final  and that no matter if someone in body is gone, it does not mean they have to be gone. I mean my grandad is here more than ever, and theres this beautiful YA called Gweedo who passed away in 2006, he is still very much alive..because the people who loved him keep him alive and pass his story on.
From this blog i wanted to show how much this dance means, again...i mean, i learnt to accept death though the young americans...i learnt to let go, i learnt goodbyes are sometimes the only way to go, i learnt we are all one. i learnt we are connected, i learnt the real meaning behind lion king and the circle of life ( i will like cry every time i see lion king...i went to see it in London a month or so back, i was crying pretty much the entire way though...WOW...so much power...
LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE They need each other. and remember what i said just because someone is not here in body does not mean they are no longer alive anymore. As long as they live on within your heart...they are alive too...
Please take this blog and understand what i am saying...I actually love you all just for reading this, just for taking time to read this...
I wish you 525,600 minutes of everything you could ever want..  xxxx
PS: added is the video of the stick dance i was talking about and for those who know what I'm like watch me...just watch me..im actually at the front this time, and I'm jot trying to hide...im not running away and oh my gosh the passion i am putting into it, i was gobsmacked when i watched it back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0lFkn7S8GE&lc=5kSuQO6l26P7xFiUU2HkJAPNIMH2fvnIFwbgp-jiggo&feature=inbox

PPS: Please PLEASE check out the YA website and see what they can offer, they really do change lives so much, as you can read here...and that dance bear in mind that was one part of the show which they taught to hundreds of kids who spoke german in two days...im just crying again thinking about it..if you know ANYWHO who will benefit from the incredible opportunity then please get in touch....(with them not me that would be pointless and i never check my mail. www.youngamericans.org i am sure thats right, if not google and it will pop up right away  :)

Young Americans Fall cast Germany 2011

Right so this blog, i dont think i am even going to be able to START and say how amazing, how simply amazing these last few days have been and how much i have enjoyed myself! So i first walked into this workshop practically shaking because i was so nervous, i literally did not know what was coming, if i would understand any of it, and if i was going to enjoy myself or not.
Well the first thing i realised when i walked though the door was that this cast was differnet, very very differnet from any of the casts i had ever met before when i had taken workshops in England, i saw it in them all, i saw it in ALL their eyes..i saw their hearts and that was just amazing, to be able and sit opposite 40 or so Young Americans, whom are all so amazing and so beautiful. When i learnt the first dance i worked with this AMAZING YA called Joanna and i actuallz have never picked up a dance as easy as i did that one, i think that, in my heart i felt comfortable with her, and with dancing in front of her like i did, and then when it came to dancing altogether and i was encouraged to be up the front and i practically crapped myself. I was worried about what people were thinking of me amd what were saying, and how bad i was dancing...how fat and ugly i looked, the list was endless...it stopped me enjoying myself 100%..it honestly did.
OH MY GOD the next part of workshop1 OH MY GOD OH MY GOD the next thing we learnt was choral ad oh wow there was this YA called Chanele  who was actually from Ireland but anywho...we managed to bond over the fact the we both buy mens clothes and cut them up to make them our own...literally i cant believe how awesome she is she made me laugh so much over the past three days...haha oman, we were learning this number called happiness which i think was in the second day, and this crazy YA was acting crazy at the front and fell backwards over a speaker,,well, Chanele and I thought that was hilerious, i was just about calming down, just about stopped laughing and she started again and set me off, thenn vise verse...i actually LOVE HER she is tzhis crazy ball of energy and happiness...she lit up my life from the very second she walked into it. I am so happy i got to spend time with her, and i have a very large feeling that after workshops end we wont see eachother again but i know im gonna do nothing but look back in years to come and laugh about the memories i have with her... :)
After we had a break we then learnt a dance based on Americas next top modall. a dance which i did not feel comfortable doing so i decided to not do and just sit and watch...i think that, if anything that remians the one bit of workshop i will struggle with now...for as many times that i do that in the future...but, it was because of me being a total idiot during this song that i got to meet a YA called Megan because she saw me trying to hide and just spoke to me, she made me realise so many differnet things about myself that i had not though about before...and oh my gosh i am enternally grateful for that. She was the start of the entire thingthat went on in this workshop that changed me forever.
Ok so i have more....this is gonna take forever im not even done with day one yet! So there is this part of workshop which up until THIS workshop i hated...literally hated with every part of myself  and that was when we had to sing on our own..we would sit in a group stand up one at a time and sing..this part...literally no lie made me feel sick to the stomach with fear, which was actually pretty retarded and pretty dumb thinking about it now but it held me back in every workshop i had ever done... So after alot of pushing from this amaying and verz beautiful YA called Chantelle i sung one line of let it be....and this next part part is the part of the workshop oh my gosh...so after i sung this YA called Angel, who actually lives up to her name, she came took me on my own said i sung beautifully and that she didnt know why i was always hating myself etc....and it was the talk with her...and then with this YA who came over called Micheal that made me realise how much i needed to change, when i came into the workshop the nbext day i literally had that thought inside my head that i did not give a crap what people thought of me, and i did not care about ANYTHING at all that had happened in the past, i only cared about the present and what was going on in my future......
I felt so much different and i enjoyed workshop so much more that its actually unreal, and when we learnt the rest of the show i just gave it my all, i dodnt care if i looked like a total fool, i just had fun, AH OH MY GOSH, when we were learning happiness two of the YA guys were acting the total fool and pretending to speak into bannanna and i think it was Curtis but i honestly dont know, he sdtepped back and fell backwards over a speaker that he didnt see was there, well it took all my effort not to fall on the floor with laughter, it was possibly one of the funniest things i have ever seen in my life, and having Chanele next to me who found it equally funny certainly did not help one little bit...the more i tried to stop laughing, the more i laughed, which is a actually really stupid because it was not THAT funny.
Now Lion King, remember all the blogs i had written about Lion king over the üpast few months, and that blog about a dance called shadowlands well i got to that once again and i actually feel i was blerssed to get to do that because i really thought that i would not get the chance and even when i did get the chance i was so close to giving it away, thinking that i already knew and had gotten enough from that dance, but i really was wrong..I danced centre sticks this time, and how i managed to get that is BEYOND me because the guy who picke3d me, well i had never spoken to him before then, i guess this is the thing the YA are here for though..that dance...well it made me even stronger, i will get the video on you tube asap and then post the link on here so you can all check it out because it really is worth taking the time to watch....i danced proper full out for the ENTIRE thing, even if i did look liek a prat ahahahah :)  
So somthing that my wonderful friend Nadine decided to do to give as a gift back to the YA was to sing them a song and we sung youve got a fruiend,well i got up and sung with just one other girl as a duet..i made one of the YA really cry, just because she knew me, and knew before that workshop i would never have done that, she also knew it was BECAUSE  OF HER MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE THAT I WAS DOING THAT. I am so happy i got to meet her, she knows who she is, and i dont know if im gonna send her the link for this yet, maybe, maybe not....but i was so blessed to have had her in my life for the three short days that i did :)
After if we hold on together, i was crying like a total baby (thats the shows finale) and this wonderful American called Loiva came over to me, took my hand and slipped one of her braclets around my wrist which nearly made me cry, and said whenever you are sad look at the this and remember that you are loved....i gave her one of the rings i was wearing the one that for me represented balalnce in life, because that braclet would have given me that now :)  I want5ed to give something back.  Thebn i had so many kids coming over asking me to sgn shirts and have photos with thema nd you know what it was just so beautiful because these kids, had never met me before, but they thought i was a YA bewcause of how id danced and even when i told them i was not a YA they said they did not care and that they still wanted photos and their shirt signed :)  agghhhh i love kids so much.
So that was OFFICALLY the end of the best workshop i have ever done, but im doing another one soon so most likley there will be another blog llike this haha :)
Love to all my followers in Germany right now the sun is shining i hope that is shining upon all your hearts and making you smile whereever in the world you are :) 

Major blog update :)

Hey my beautiful readers so first off, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL PEACE DAY! even though its nearly over in England, still I thought i should just get it in anyway..:) 
Ok, I've not blogged yet again in a while, my life really has been crazy and full of different things going on, I've not had the time to breathe let alone do anything else....!

First things first I'M GETTING A LOAN HORSE!!! I am actually so excited, so one of my best friends Sarah, well her friend is loaning one of her beautiful horses to me and i am just so excited and it's for a cheap price that i don't think you could beat :) I'm so happy :)  This is perfect for me and has come at just the right time, i am so lucky to have the opportunity to do this, normally its something i would never be able to think about because of money and everything, but it IS something i have wanted my entire life...and when i started riding my desperate urge to loan/own/share a horse became unbearable...but this horse, he is amazing, and has the most perfect owner who is going to be there to help me every step, although i think i should be ok (i hope)

Second, I'm actually going back to Germany sooner than what i expected to be and i'm going to be doing two YA workshops with my beautiful family and the most amazing thing, is that i am going to get to see SO many of my friends at the first one it's going to be like one crazy Reunion and oh my gosh i am just so excited for it.

The past few days have been really hard for me, and it's these small things that keep me going and keep me happy and give a reason to carry on another day, I even went out with some friends sunday night which i have been to scared to do in ages, so i was actually proud of myself for that one :) 

Also something in the near future that i have to look forward to is my short trip to America, im freaking out over that i actually can't wait! My friend i am actually flying out to see, well I was looking at her facebook page today and all i could think was OH MY GOSH HOW MUCH HAS SHE CHANGED, and it's crazy because even though she was an adult when i met her, its like looking back at photos she was just a girl and now shes this even more beautiful and strong woman and i just cannot wait..she inspires me beyond any kind of measure so i know so much good will come out of this trip. I will be honest, i am scared after all these years she is gonna hate me, which is dumb, REALLY dumb because that woman let me tell you is not capable of hate...Then I'm worrying about the plane journey because i don't really like flying, i kinda see it as a thing i have to do when one of my dreams is too see the beautiful planet that we live on... 

But i don't know i went online about a week ago to have a look at my flight prices again and they had literally trebled, and i cried so so hard because it meant i would only be able to go Utah and not take my beautiful friend on a trip else wear with me...(i have this thing of feeling guilty alot and always want to make up for it, and i love giving to people so it figures i was gutted, and i was also i admit sad because i REALLY wanted to go to Nebraska, even of no where else...butttttttt i went into a travel agents the next day and told her what happened and she managed to get my flights for even lower than what the cost before! I was literally gobsmacked :)  I'm so excited now :) I know i get to spend a little time in Chicago and Dallas aswell :) 

Anyway just thought i would update my readers, i really have been struggling recently, and i've been trying to balance everything out, just thought i would let you know about the things going on for me that are keeping me strong. I really do believe that no matter how insignificant they are to others if they mean the world to you then its worth it... 

Love to you all.. xxxxxxxx

Germany Day Three

So today was the only day i was dreading in Germany, and the only day we already had plans for so we couldnt do anything else. Months and months back the Young Americans said they were going to be doing a dinner theatre in Germany, and at the time i was a little excited, i mean that i had always wanted to see the show in Michigan but never had the time nor money to get over there, nor would i survive the flight without freaking out, so this, then, seemed a good opportunity, so many of my friends were asking if i wanted to go with them. Then something happened a little before i was going but by then i already had my ticket which was 69 euros, plus my entire host family's tickets...it was alot of money to just throw away because i didnt want to go, i coundlt do that to my host family and quite honestly i didnt even get the guts to bring it up till the night before where i was panicking so much i didnt have a choice but to come clean!

ANYWAY, the dinner theatre was in this beautiful town called Bad Karlshafen, which i have always wanted to visit, so that made me excited a little. i had a friend there who i would be seeing at dinner theatre, so the whole idea of this made me happy, We spent the day looking around the Town and taking pictures, we were at one point going to swimming but thanks to my wonderful hair still turning bright orange and leaving bright orange streaks everywhere when wet, we decided against that! When it came to getting ready for dinner theatre we popped into the toilets of the spa, to get dressed then headed back out into the parking lot like idiots to get our make up done :) My host family went camping alot so they had a huge camping mirror in the back of their car, thank god! because i think that otherwise i would have literally died! Half hour later my make up was on and i was in a bad mood because i was having a really ugly day and looked uglier than ever, so i decided that i would just breathe, and get my hair done...my hair is naturally curly so i brought some moose with me, a little of that and bang my hair is up, only it was actually hairspray, and i didnt have time to wet my hair and dry it...so i got my straightens out and went to head back into the spa and beg them if i could use them to re go over my hair because it was looking awful and i couldn't curl it, then i realised that i didnt have adapter plug and literally burst into tears, i took this as a sign that the rest of the day was going to go just as bad...

When we walked into the dinner theatre however the whole atmosphere totally made me feel better, this wonderful guy called Sam came over and asked me if i wanted a drink, after he handed me the menu i realised how scared i actually still was because i was shaking so hard, i said 'oh just get me champagne' not realising that i would actually not be able to hold that i was shaking so much, even though my fam thought it was funny..!!! A friend of mine/aquatince whatever, then came over to me, and for the first part that was sufficiently awkward because i didnt exatly know what to do.. (i get like such a klutz in some situations) and i previously thought they had not wanted me there so it was hard for me, but i think after a few glasses of chamange i was ok again :) I was still shaking so hard when i went outside to smoke, still a little scared and realised just how many cigarettes i had got though in that day, i felt awful it was a crazy amount and not like me at all, ever!!! I guess its because i was always trying to have a cigarette in my hand so i didn't have to go inside. I'm happy i finally calmed down though, because the show was fucking amazing, and defiantly worth every single penny (or cent in the case) that i payed for it. I could have literally gone back every night and seen it over and over again and I dont think i would have got bored of it at all. I would recommend the show to anyone even if you are not into the performing arts because you would actually love it! I felt blessed by the end of the night, but tired, and i think because of how stressful the whole day had been, i got a huge headache....i slept in the car the entire way home (with a pit stop the throw up (classy) ) then got into bed and slept again, but it was a wonderful day...my host family said we are 100% going to do the same next year so another blog to come in a year or so!!!! :)

18 tage :)

With 18 days until i finally get to go back to Germany, i am beginning to get more and more excited, Germany is my heart and my soul and means everything to me. Yesterday i was looking at pictures and videos from the last time i were in this beautiful country and i literally broke down in tears, I've never missed a place so much in my life...
In 2006 i started doing this performance workshop called the Young Americans, and actually, it's pretty much thanks to the YA that i have friends in Germany, and we learnt a song called 'Happiness'..well when I am in Germany i will stand in the middle of a crowded train station like Cologne and sing that at the top of my voice, including the actions to go with it...

'Happiness is everything and anything at all, thats loved by you'

I just loved it, to see the look on the faces of people, when they clearly do not have a clue what is going on or what i am doing or singing about..but most of all i love the smiles that normally appear seconds after...to see young girls singing happy and free....in Germany they seem to appreciate things like that more than anyone in England ever would.
I love how for the time i was in Germany people just accepted me, my friends used to take me out with them and their friends, and they were just like, HEY, not once did i ever feel like they didnt want me there, in fact, i have made quite a few good friends from this way aswell.. The family i will be staying with in a few weeks i met randomly on a visit to see a YA workshop in the fall, i am so so so excited to get to spend time with them and get to know them all better...also the fact i have never really been to this part of Germany before, the whole idea gets me crazy and hyper, i cannot wait.
I want to get back to Munich at some point for abit, because its freaking amazing there, it's just a matter of fitting it all in...I'm not well enough really to be out of the country right now for me than a week...i would most likely have a breakdown, therefore touring around would only stress me out. But i have hope to get better, and next year, i will be able to spend my entire summer out there with everyone that i love and care about...lets hope...
i believe...in this case i really do believe, because i've never known something i want as bad as this. :)

2006 Young Americans

Last night i couldn't sleep i was upset and hurting in ways no one could ever imagine so i decided to watch the Young American DVD from 2006, I've never had a DVD before that constantly changes me even more every time that i watch it, and it's getting kinda sad now because the DVD is starting to wear out as ive watched it so much and its from 2006! :(
I still love that cast, i still can't get over their strength, i was watching the other night in awe thinking, 'how can they do this', 'how can they be strong'. When Alaina dedicated the show to Gweedo i started crying, and then literally didnt stop for the rest of the show. You can see the pain etched of the faces of every single member of that cast, but they stand with pride and they carry on and for that i am eternally grateful. When they sang RENT, they covered the version of i'll cover you (reprise) and oh my gosh, every single little word, was sung for Gweedo, It broke my heart to see them crying, I just wanted to hug them all, there is a part of that song where Shannon sings a line and the camera comes up close to her face..the pain, you can see, is just unbelievable. But she didnt stop. she was crying so hard, but she didnt stop, she never once said, i'm not doing this anymore. I wish nothing but good for these people. I've never met anyone so wonderful before. At the end of the song Jaimie lays a rose for Gweedo. It is, such a beautiful moment. The young americans, they pay for this entire thing on their own, this whole tour. They really are wonderful dedicated people, the second act with the kids was just filled with as much strength and love as the first part. One this little light Brooke is singing and gets a little scared, Alaina comes out and sings with her, it was BEAUTIFUL. Circle of life, you just need to watch the faces of every person on that stage to know they are feeling the lyrics. The director came on after and said this quote.
'now we could not have worked together has closely as we have for the past two and half days without some friendships forming, and some of these friendships, will last long after the applause dies from this hall, and maybe, just maybe, some friendships will last a lifetime. And need i say anymore this last song says it perfectly. 'If we hold on together'
It's ironic because i still talk to quite a few of this cast, whereas every other workshop i have done, i keep in touch with maybe a couple of the cast.
2006 cast if you read this i want you to know that i never ever forget you guys, nor anything you have taught me in the time i spent with you
'Until we meet again you will be in my heart and thoughts'
All my love.

Heart from Japan

I just sent a link to one of the YA i met last week, and i realised in doing so that i should actually write a blog about them because they really have changed my life quite greatly. On the second day of the workshop i met a beautiful young woman from Japan called Arisa, we were doing a lyrical dance part of the workshop, and watching her dance literally moved me to tears, i couldn't breathe, in her dancing i could see the passion and hope that she had for her country. This was the only part of the workshop this year that i really did let go in after a little bit of pushing on Arisa's part.

We sat and talked for abit about everything and about her homeland and how beautiful it was, she saw my pray for japan band around my wrist, and as she touched it and said, 'oh my gosh' i instantly felt connected to her.

She was an amazing dancer and i was so lucky to have got the chance to meet such a beautiful soul, more than anything i have just wanted to find a random Japanese person and hug them, and with her i got to do just that.

I don't even talk to her now, but I still think about her and her country every day, and its making me cry writing this, because i really did hold back so much and not enjoy the workshop like i could have done, which means i didnt get to show her my complete 'true self'...i hate myself for that more and more each day, and what i hate more is the fact i will not do another workshop again..even after meeting people like this.

The Young Americans, really are a wonderful group of people, but there is always one or two on a tour that touch my heart in a way no other could. Yes, there were some amazing people on this tour but none like Arisa.

The end of my Young American stories.

KEEP ON PRAYING FOR JAPAN

This innocence is brilliant.......

If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die. Dreams see us though to forever...as high as souls can fly. The clouds roll by, for you and I.....

Last week i yet again got to do another YA workshop. This year though, instead of being able to put all my heart and soul into it like i did previous years i had to hold back the entire time. It was frustrating, for myself and for i would think most of the YA. They were asking me to sing for them, and to dance for them, and i was literally so scared, paralysed with fear. I knew in my heart they would be supportive, because they have been, every single year. But i just could not do it this time, even are all the coaxing and begging. I hated myself for that, one of the YA said to me

'you have paid £50 for this workshop and it saddens me that you don't want to take part'

I understood where he was coming from and I felt really bad for it. This year i changed, or i have changed since the last workshop at least. I couldn't let go and enjoy myself like i used to in earlier workshops, i just know because of this, i highly doubt i will do another workshop, although, i do recommend it to anyone anyway. I did get one hell of alot from it.

Anyway, the point of writing this blog was simply because I was just looking through my YA photo album on facebook and my laptop, and it actually made me cry..alot. When i was younger i was so innocent, i think my first workshop i was only about 14..? Since then, somethings have really changed, ive grown up and made so many mistakes, it more and more takes away the innocence and beauty of doing workshop. Last year i made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and even though i am moving on from it now or trying, i dont think i will ever be able to get over it entirely. I think, that it got blown out of proportion, i mean, it was no way as bad as some people made it out to be, but still, that took away for me, the beauty of workshop. But i was scared to be there this year and to be doing the workshop, again that was/is a really stupid feeling to have. I wish i could go back to the innocence of childhood. I miss it...I miss it so much.