Love is love

Love is love, regardless of race, religion, size, looks, age (within legal restrictions of course) and the main one this blog is aimed at. sex.
There seems to be alot of people in today's world thinking that the only way a relationship is ok between two consenting people is if one partner is female and the other male. Well i'm sorry but this is just utter bullshit and i can tell you now there is going to be alot of language in this so if you dont like it, i'm sorry, don't read it.  So basically this morning i got a message from a good friend of mine on twitter, and no, i dont know him in person but i dont think i need to, i'm there for people regardless of if i know them or not. He's gay, and was kicked out of a club (i'm guessing the other night,)' for kissing his boyfriend...he was in tears..apparently this is not alloud in public...although, walk into any other bar and it's perfectly fine for a girl and guy to practically fuck eachother on the middle of the dance floor. 
I'm just so angry i was doing a whole fb rant, spesh after seeing that the whole gay marriage issue is trending on fb it inspired me to write.Well halfway through a fb rant i realised i would not have room so thats why i came on here. I'm still going to say roughly the same thing...but just more in depth..really from the heart. 
Well like the title reads love is love, and another thing i can tell you without a doubt it is love is all you need, im not putting the idea forward i'm stating it as a fact. Love brings everything good, hate is what does the opposite. So why is it..in a world where we a meant to be fighting so hard for love and peace do people push love away just because its between two people of the same sex. Seriously?. Some people need to learn to be strong and stand up for what is right, What is the worst that can happen if two gay people get together and then maybe even get married? will the world end? no. will you die? no. will pigs fly? maybe, but that would be science.  Just because i am not a lesbian (very tempted to trust me)but just because i'm not...does not mean that i will not stand up for my gay friends and in fact anyone who is being picked on for something that makes them who they are. This is where people need to start learning, because they cant seem to see that people just crave for others to accept them. Trust me there are many guys i wish were not gay, because then i could marry them...they all have incredible hearts, but at the same time, i would not change them for the world, they are beautiful and incredible and i love every single one of them. Some people seem to think that just because they are straight means that they are not aloud to stand up for gay rights...this is wrong and please i am begging you use this to make a change and start now. I don't understand what is so wrong with being gay...i mean how could you turn down Johnny Depp or Ryan Gosling, and for men i guess someone like Megan Fox but at the end of the day. it's life...everyone has a right to be happy, they deserve it.
Words hurt, it took me a year to get my friend to a point where he is 'ok' with telling people his gay...it took constant conversations ending with 'Look i love you and i still will even if you are gay, and so will all of your true friends.' only for all trust to be broken with things a few people saying horrible homophobic words to him...now i feel awful, and all my work is undone, he's right back at square one, he wont even hold his boyfriends hand in public.It makes me really sad, just really sad.
This world needs love to survive, so that means people need to start accepting others as they are...i hope with this blog i make a 'homophobic' person think differently. This needs to change it really does. We need a martin luther king but in the gay world that would be perfect! someone who really changes it, it upsets me that i could never do much about this, because 'i'm not gay i cant speak from experence' just as i would like to do a whole anti racism thing to bring that up to scratch..'but im not black so i cant do that either.' Just please everyone try and understand this blog. Thank you. 
Love is love. love is beautiful, love is true, and it should be aloud regardless of anything anyone may think.  xxxxxx

:most likely to be continued

I want to travel the world

Ok, so tonight i was bored and didnt have a clue what to do with my time, i'm just sitting up in my room, literally with nothing to do and i'm bored as hell. She told me to blog so i guess thats what i'm just gonna do, now as you can see from my previous blog i'm not feeling to great right now, I'm fine, don't get me wrong i mean i have my butterfly there is no choice but to be fine..but i don't know...hmmm 
Well this morning when i woke up i must have spent hours on end writing and drawing in my journal and part of it was i made a list of the countries i want to visit more than anything in this world, and i mean, i want to be able to end my life if i live it long saying i've seen the entire world but if i cant do that then i at least want to get these places in as they are up the top.
So basically the ones that are ticked are the ones that i have already been to and already visited, it gets me super excited to think i still have all of these amazing places to go, and trust me when i say, i will get there and i will visit all of these places even if it takes me forever.
I have this incredible friend called Alice and she is literally my best best friend in the entire planet and thankfully, she has got this crazy travel bug too :) She also is Irish, so that just gives us an excuse to visit there, and we are both OBSESSED with Norway (another thing that should be happening soon, photography week in Norway :)) and of course, the pictures will be on here..i think my blog would be never ending over the time im in Norway, or at least, it would be when i got home for a few weeks. I've got alot of places on that list that also not many people would really consider, like the countries where the whole place is in poverty, but the are the ones that need people to visit the most, and they are also, the countries that i know i will find the most beautiful.
Iceland is another place i have recently become obsessed with since this morning when i saw a blog about it on here, i randomly came across it when i was looking for new blogs to follow and fell head over heels in love with the pictures...So yeah... 
Basically if there is anyone who has been to these countries could you let me know a little about your experiences please :)

When you can't sleep

So here i am, lying awake yet again and letting my mind wander to far away for what is a safe limit. I've not been sleeping recently and it's quite honestly making me feel like total shit, the only time i sleep is where i am conk out on the sofa during the middle of the day because i am so exhausted..Urghh it's just really pissing me off, and considering i only sit on facebook i though i might write a little blog instead.
To be perfectly honest 2011 has not exactly been a good year for me, if possible i actually think it has been one of the worst! and thats saying something. When you get older its harder to make it look like you ok all the time than what it is when your child...and what with turning 19 and having more shit put upon my shoulders it's been pretty rough, and even what job i did do of it was a pretty shit one. This year i have pushed so many people away, so so many and that hurts my heart especially when i thought that person was a good friend of mine...So therefore i'm gonna try and look at 2012 as a new start..LOOK TO THE FUTURE..i mean i could get hit by a bis tomorrow and killed, but it's still good to plan right...!?! I've been thinking about what would be a good new years resolution for this one coming, in the years previous i have normally pissed about and made stupid ones, ones of which i honestly now can say, i had no intention whatsoever of keeping, or even TRYING to keep....I think that one of them though will be to sit and really go though my friends list on facebook and work out who my REAL friends are...the ones who i can rely on, from the ones that are just using me...toss the ones that are not worth it, no matter how much it hurts my heart...but i mean i don't mind to much at the moment i still have a few months left :) As for what i want to do next year, well i don't even have a clue! I can't work right now and i didn't want to be sitting on my fat arse all day long doing nothing so even though ive got my diploma im gonna go back to college and resit my maths GCSE, that one is set in stone if all goes well, and then im debating just taking a few GCSE's with it or to actually take one more GCSE...and an A-level...but i really don't know as thats a level three course and i already have a qualification at that level it wont come cheap because like the GCSE's i have to pay :(
But OH MY GOSH i have so much planned for the year coming soon, for example, i have many trips to Germany planned which i actually cannot wait for! That excites me a little, i know for a fact im going jazz fest again and dinner theatre soooooo ahhhhhhhh :) Then i also wanna get a break away with one of my friends to spain, then a trip to the states annnddd a photography trip to Ireland or Norway with my sister! it's crazy oh man!!!! I think the best thing to do is just take each and every single day as it comes because i cant do anything differ net than that!!!!
Anywho i think im gonna go have a bit of fun on tumblr ive rambled wayyyy to much on here
:) x

Make it a better place

'I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those, who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return'
I was just listening to the wicked soundtrack, which i do actually one hell of alot...and i got thinking about a friend of mine who i met totally randomly a few years ago.
So this girl, makes the lyrics to this song so significant...Do you know when you meet someone and the instant they look at you, and speak for the first time you KNOW they are going to understand you and you will be friends? Well this is what happened with this girl. The first time i met her i was crying quite abit...well alot. I was thinking about alot of things and my head was away somewhere in the clouds....she came over to me and asked me for a hug, and let me just explain this...i never let people hug me a few years ago...literally wouldnt let anyone touch me, unless i knew them really well, and from that moment i just KNEW i could trust her with my life and my heart. I don't think she even knew i didnt like hugs...i guess she just saw it in my body language that instant pull back, arms crossed, head down thing i done instantly to try and get away from the situation.
I don't know why i decided to write this blog, but i just felt it had to be done, I want the world to know there is such things as angels...because this girl i'm talking about is one of them.
I love how we sat for hours upon hours just talking about our lives and everything that had happened and the crazy thing was, she had gone though everything i went though, and am going though when she was my age if not more than me...out of all the thousands of random people i could have started talking to, it was her!
Ahhh i cannot even think of the words to write what i want to say, it's one of those annoying situations where you know exactly inside your heart but when out, it just gets lost in a total catastrophe of words and sentences all thrown in together. It's hard to explain because normally in a situation like this i could say oh shes one of my best friends, but shes really not...I love her to death and back and would literally take a bullet for her just to see her smile...so it's not that i don't care either because i REALLY do..i think like for good says, she was brought into my life for a reason, and i really think thats the only way i can describe it. Some people a naturally meant to find each other because they are soul mates and destined to either be lovers or best friend.or sometimes both...then you get the other people we meet, than come in and out of your life...and change you in the most tiny but very significant ways, they do not normally stay long, and theres only SO much they can teach you. Well with this girl is constantly changing me still even years later, thats why i feel so blessed to have her, she really has helped me to grow, and i know that right now im in a fucking crazy mood and all over the place but within that i have reached an inner calm which i had never managed to reach before i knew her...It's an amazing feeling having someone you can talk to who you know is not going to blab it to your circle of friends...because they dont know any of them, and of whom actually understand the situation you are going though.
This weekend i got to spend some time with her after what seemed to me to be years...and it's the caring and how happy my heart felt at that moment, I really do think that talking face to face is much better than over a chat, because more feelings and love can go into it...you can see more what is real, and what is not. I felt so amazed that she even wanted to see me, i am actually an epic fail and normally make everything suck..or at least i think so and thats all that matters to me!!!! It just lifted my spirits up so much and made me feel a million times better about myself..i got home that day and just walked around singing the entire day (namely all RENT) but i was singing all day...something i have not done in a really long while!
So yeah i believe in angels and i believe that people come into our lives for a reason, i want for everyone who reads this to say hello to everyone and get to know everyone at every opportunity you get..because you never know who can change you life...if you had told me a few years back i would meet someone who changed me and would even give me a reason to live when i was suicidal, i would have laughed in your face, but now...i believe in the things unseen...the little things that draw people together and help to make them and (hopefully in time) the world a better place.
Thank you for reading.

In peace

just realised if you look at the isalnd where all the shootings took place in Norway, It's the shape of a heart (well not perfect but you know you can see it if you look the right way)..and it made me cry....To me that is a symbol that the dead are at peace and loved ones can (try) to move on..i just saw and thought i would share it on facebook...'death' does not mean the end of love...

- i just posted this on my facebook and thought that i should put it in a more publice place :)x

Emily Maguire - A gig in the 'garden'

So i just got back from what i think is one of the best performances i have ever been to!
A few months back i was going though an amazingly hard time in my life and was a little bit of a mess inside...i have this wonderful friend who was talking to her best friend and she that i should check out this singer songwriter called Emily Maguire. She gave me the name of her book and strongly urged me to read it, so i instantly went on line and ordered it...from the second it arrived and i read the back, not even the first page jsut the back i was pulled in, into a world where i no longer felt alone, where i no longer felt i was the only person going though what i'm going though..or more...maybe i was, but at the end of the day, there were people (like i always try to remind myself) that are worse off than me..and people like Emily who have literally been though hell on their knees and came though again on the other side. I feel stupid being able to write this because because i dont know her...but i just have to!
So when we first got to to open garden where the gig was being held we saw a notice saying that it would be held in the church next door as it had been raining on and off all day and no one was really sure how much it was going to rain again that evening..literally five seconds after we got outside the doors to wait it began raining, oh and it rained it REALLY REALLY did rain!. I was so tempted to just throw my shoes off (the flimsy bits i had on anyway) and dance and leap across the grass, but then, i realised i was going to be sitting down for hours with no means of getting changed or dry and had to suppress my inner(sometimes very but nonetheless) free spirit.
ANYWHO, the whole performance was opened by this wonderful man who had an epic voice, i felt sorry for him at some points and wanted to hug him, it was his first solo gig and you could tell how scared he was at times, although he was bloody brilliant,! i would pay just to come and see him alone! Some of the songs that he was singing nearly had me in tears it was beautiful.! Then after a small break the moment i had actually been waiting for for months and Emily walked onto stage, i think at first it didn't seem real, because this person is someone famous who i greatly admire and they are standing right in front of me. I must have sat there in awe the entire first half of the act,i do remember though sitting there, in the front row of all places, trying not to cry my eyes out when she sang her amazing song 'I'd rather be', that song has alot of significance for me. The words..well all her songs are, but the words to that song, you can reach them out to anybody, in any walk of life, no matter what they are going though and who they are and for me that is the most beautiful thing alive, to be able to do that with music..well... I also really remember the last song she sang in the first half and that was because it was one of the first songs of hers that i had ever heard and that was start over again...i think that maybe i got a tad too excited at that moment and nearly jumped out my seat which would have caused me some embarrassment haha. In the break i was asking around all the staff members if one of the could give my gift to Emily, and they were all saying no i cant right now shes having a break sorry, then the parent decided to literally hold me down so i couldnt go and work on my next step...Emily's husband...i was just so scared of doing it myself..and i knew he could not use the excuse, 'I'm sorry i'm not alloud backstage' phaha but anyway i was kept in my seat. As the second act began i was yet again so freaking excited even more so now, and when Emily announced that she was going to be singing new songs that she had never performed before i freaked even more i felt so so blessed....out of all the music in the world i get to hear hers first, to me that better than any A list band...it really really is.!!!! All i got from this second half was a dying...sstrong...longing for the songs to be in my hands in disk form...i actually cannot wait till i comes out on CD, that will be the best day of my life, officially ;) There were two songs that i remember the most, one was a song wrote for a girl hurt after a riding accident, and being obsessed with horses..i listened so intently...the lyrics moved me so much! it was beautiful..the next was the final song of the gig, a song called 'Stardust' i was so moved so so so moved, my mom was handing me tissue after tissue haha i literally cried the entire way though... OH MY GOSH! and then we got two extra songs at the end....and the crazy thing was the very last song she performed to i knew very well due to it being a part of greenpeace (i shouted Greenpeace when i heard that opps) and i also danced to it for Japan a few months ago, although at the time of that i dont think i was aware who sang it, all i knew was it was a really beautiful song! Gahhhhhh it was amazing,...
After the performance i was waiting in the queue to see her and ahhhhhhhh i literally cannot believe i got to come face to face with her :) she is so beautiful in person and just so friendly and down to earth with everyone...she signed all the albums that i had bought that day (no more you tube yayyy hahaha) and my book :) and at the end I even hugged her, which i can be funny about if i do not know someone...i felt very very safe in her company...after the first few seconds of talking to her face to face....it was ok......:) Garrrrrrrr :) So yeah, that evening pretty much made me believe for a while again...
I love her words, literally there is so much depth there, depth in which i can understand which makes it even more beautiful...
So Gwen, if you are reading this, thank you so much!!!! for recommending her music to me, because look at how happy i am tonight :) and as for beautiful Emily well.... NEVER FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE GIRL!!!!!!!!! :)

http://www.emilymaguire.com/index.html

Sometimes it hurts instead....

'I won't let you, close enough to hurt me' I fucking LOVE Adele and right now this is my new motto to life...I've decided that from now on, in order to keep myself (and others) from getting hurt this is something that maybe needs to be listened to..I'm learning now that there seems to be so no such thing as friendship, because EVERYONE hurts you, and everyone leaves you, and i know this blog is totally out of character for me, because normally there are people i will say i can ALWAYS rely on, and yeah THEY are still there,but what happens if they go too? I'm just stepping with caution, thats all. Loosing anyone from your life hurts, and loosing someone from your life who is A: your best friend or B: not even really a friend just someone who impacted your life a big deal is even harder. It's broken my heart..not made it better, and i know, that loosing the two other people in my life who i would die for would kill me...literally, that would be like taking the air that i breathe away. I don't want to push them away from me, but then at the same time i don't want to push THEM away from me enough for them to leave forever. From now on i will pretend with them that everything is ok, and even when they argue, which i know they will, i'll just dismiss it...again caution..not to hurt them, but to stop them getting hurt... I don't want to loose more people that i love, and i'm scared of doing that...so i think it really is time to step away now...I'm scared of myself because I'm scared now to love, and love is all you need.

Starting with goodbye

I think that more than anything in this world. letting go, is one of the hardest things to do, in any way, shape or form, in the past two weeks, my whole life has changed..I've changed, I've HAD to change. First of all i left college, being in education had been all ive known, i didn't take a year out at any point and the thought of being without this (ok annoying and frustrating) but secure atmosphere scares the crap out of me. I used to always think, its ok, i can just go to college i dont have to worry about MY future, now it's changing, and its something out of my control. Being out of control is something i hate the most.

I'm learning fast that my destructive relationship with myself is also ruining my relationships i have with others. I know i need to learn to love myself, but at the end of the day, that is simply not going to happen. So therefore, I'm learning from THAT, that i maybe now need to let people go to stop them from getting hurt by me. I hate the thought of me hurting anyone, just as much as i hate the word hate, i just think that word is not worthy of being used about anything that has the potential to be beautiful (thats everything btw)The only thing this world should hate IS hate....It hurts me like fucking crazy because the people i am talking about mean more to me than life itself, but then its better to love something and let it go, than to keep holding on and getting nothing good out of it.

It's the same with my dancing, i think now i need to accept that in the real world away from the security of college, i would epically fail as a dancer, if i'm performing in the west end and refuse to wear a costume because i look to fat it would not go down well at all. I also know, because im not one of these 6ft tall girls who weighs 5 stone i would get told im not the right body shape for a dancer, and considering i already have problems with stuff like that, i dont think its a good idea to go down that road. I want to take my diploma though, and use it to help and change other peoples lives instead, i want to prove to the world that ANYONE can dance, it shouldn't just be about the rich being able to...now ive left college i know i wont be taking dance classes for a long time because i simply just dont have the money, it angers me that dancing is very much about that all the time.

I know i can help people, i really believe that i can help anyone and i don't give a fuck that people may disagree with me, i want to help people so thats all that matters, im learning to do that, and to move on with my life, i have to make sacrifices, i have to say goodbye..yes it will hurt, i will cry...yes sometimes it will break every fibre of my being, but letting go i guess it a part of life....its just learning to let go....just a step at a time letting go.

Everything you love in life is like a bird, it should be free, but if it comes back to you then you know it is yours to keep :)

JAPAN NEED US!!! WE ARE AS ONE!!!

Why does the world have to be so awful, and why do some people judge by skin color and image? I overheard someone today saying that this whole thing in Japan is a cry for attention and that they were not going to think about helping because they were not English citizens....' It made me feel literally sick, i have never heard anything so awful, also the face that the chance the are English citizens out there is at least 99.9% or even more.

When will people learn that Japan is a part of us...ok, so we might be totally differ net in image and looks, and language, BUT we are all human beings and live under the same sky.

It shocks me to think that people would look upon other human beings as a inanimate object, with no question for their thoughts or feelings.

I keep on listening to the we are the world version that was created for Haiti, and there is a line 'And now Haiti need us' Well now Japan needs us, and i am sorry if this blog pisses you off where i keep on and on, but at the end of the day, just don't read it. If i know this blog gives even ONE person a different view, and helps them to see the world AS ONE. Then what i am writing right now will be worth it.

My heart is still breaking everytime i hear about it on the news or read about it, I think about the group of amazing people called the Young Americans that are out there at the moment, and it makes me smile and gives me just a little hope, that they are singing and dancing though this tragedy...after all music is a language we can all speak, and it's a wonderful way to help take peoples minds off what is going on in their beautiful country.

It's sad, because Japan really is beautiful, and now its just looks like a bombsite, i wish to go out there and help in anyway i can, it makes my heart happy to know there are hundreds of others out there who feel the same way, WE CAN bring Japan back to what it was like, with love strength and courage, and that will also be what gets the world though this tragedy.

COME ON WORLD! x

Just like a pill

'I swear you just like a pill,

Stead of making me better

You keep making me ill'

So following on from my other blog last night, i decided i would 'rediscover' some of Pink's music.

And you know what got me? Was that all of her music, the lyrics were so fucking true.!

I was listening to Just like a pill...

It's actually true that its not just drugs you can get addicted to, yeah if you pop pills..spesh the illegal kind you are bound to get addicted..but it's not always about that kind of addiction.

The addiction is this song...is it really that possible to be addicted to a person to a point where you cannot life without them and can't function if you dont talk to them.

I don't really know, i mean, I'm only 19 and i don't think ive liked someone enough yet to get to a stage where i can say i can relate to the lyrics....

But my best friend is dating a guy who is meant to be making her happy...and yeah ok, he does that sometimes, but most of the time he's a complete fucking arsehole and has her in tears... but you know what...even though he is making her worse she cannot walk away... he's like a drug to her...and dangerous and eventually lethal drug...

And in another way, maybe the song is talking out the people and friends that generally try to help someone but make everything a million times worse..i could understand that point of view, so many people have ended up making me worse when all they were trying to do was help.... I'll get paranoid that i said too much, or they will say something and i will twist it to make it what i 'think' they said...it always ends up making me worse, even though their purpose was to make it better...

Hmmm..All i know is that this song really does reach out to so many people...

love and hate

Why on earth can people not believe me, I mean i know my vision of myself may be a little bit wrong, but I think i know if someone hates me and does not like me, it's blatantly obvious.
I wish people would believe me and not keep telling me that i am being stupid and saying things that can by no means be true.
I am sick of people saying i am such a loved person, because i really really am not, I'm constantly thinking about how much people hate me and it tires me out and makes me feel awful.
I wish people would understand and see the truth...
i REALLY do.

Love never dies..???

I was on tumblr today, and i saw a quote on my friends page saying

'It's better to have loved than not to have loved at all', it was a post she'd wrote in memory of her friend that passed away,..

I was sitting there thinking about it, and think that maybe, that quote is actually wrong, i mean in this case at least.

It's talking about love in a past tense, as if there is no love there anymore, which i think is kinda dumb, just because someone passed away does not mean love instantly has to be snatched from both sides.

I think love is one of those precious things that is always there. I mean, the real true love. Once you love someone, i don't think you can 'unlove' them, yes, if they do something bad enough, you could end up hating (strong word) them. But i really do not that the love goes away. How can you love someone, and then just not.

REAL LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

That means no matter what that person does, and even if you can never bring yourself to look or talk to them again, there must still be a little part of you that loves that particular person.

I think that if you can unlove someone, then you never really loved them at all.

Take me for example, i had one 'friend' that treated me like crap, one of my best friends, and i don't talk to her now, but i loved her, and i know as much as i don't want to admit it, i still do, simply because she was such a big part of my life.

Love is just so beautiful i don't think it could ever go away completely..

I wish that where there is war, there could be love instead, the world would be perfect...i mean as perfect as perfect could be.

Love love love

Love is all you need

Thinking....

Ok so i figured out, that i really do have some wonderful friendships in my life. and i mean ok, some people really don't give a fuck, and they never will, and as if i will ever be able to do anything about that and change it.. It's not gonna happen.

But those very rare people who i CAN call my real friends, are they, or are they not, the best thing that could ever possibly happen to my life. ?

And you know what i also figured out..?

It's the friends who i don't constantly talk to, and the ones in which i sometimes hardly ever see, that are the most loyal and trustworthy, and there for me when i need them...

It's not the ones that go 'oh your my best friend' even though it's clearly not true...

It's not the ones thats completely ignore me until they want to find something out or get something off me...

It's the ones who remind me, every now and then that they will always be there for me.

It's the ones who sometimes just have to give me a hug or say 'i love you' for me to feel better..

It's the ones that say, i will do everything i can to help and understand you..and not the ones that say 'i totally understand' when they don't.

Sometimes it's the people you have never met in person...but when you do meet, you realise your like twins...so amazingly alike..but so beautifully different at the same time...

I don't want to lose those people, the day they go I'm gone too...but i really should start getting rid of those unhelpful idiots who pull me down the entire time..

Oh well...I'm grateful for who i have, and thats all that matters.. :)

Learning to dance in the rain

I wish sometimes that my life was like a DVD..

Something i could observe from a distance, something i could rewind, pause or fast forward...or even better i could eject, throw away and put a new one in the player.

But then life is not like that, there are hard times...and i guess they do make you stronger, it's about learning to get through them, one step at a time.

There are times when i wonder why i bother...and what the point is in carrying on, like seriously...why the fuck if something is going to go wrong, does it have to do it all in one go. Life is actually a total arsehole, and it will screw you over more times than the biggest player ever will, more than anybody you could possibly meet.

No one dies a virgin, life really does screw us all.

I wish it was easy to just accept the fact, move on from it and it will be ok, but really, life just does not happen that way.

It's learning to dance though it, and live..just LIVE...and sometimes i need reminding of that...which is why i'm writing it as a blog, to read back on.

Even if you feel you cannot help yourself, then isn't it better to reach though the darkness and help someone else...just till you feel ok again?

I mean thats only a thought...but i think it's a good one right?

Friday dancing ♥

I wish i could be more confident in myself.
I wish that i could walk into a class and be able to perform or do whateverto my hearts content without worrying about what people think of me.
I hate myself for it and hate is such a strong word i know but when want so much for the world, but cannot bring myself to do it..
I struggle to accept who i am.

Today in my urban dance class we were dancing 'locking' which is a form of urban dance. I really more than anything wanted to jump in with both feet and my heart and dance till i couldn't dance no more.
Something was stopping me though, there was a constant voice in my head saying i looked stupid and could not dance this style of dance. and no matter how much my teacher told me i was doing it fine, i just could not believe her. I felt stupid.

Why can i not just take my way of thinking about others and use it to believe in myself to...
urgh.

A precious young soul ♥

I just watched a video of a young girl aged nine, performing a lyrical dance to 'Let it be'.

Such a small person, yet so much passion, so much hope, so many dreams for herself, and for this planet we live on.

I wanted to write this blog because that is the one little thing that made my day, It made me feel such a array of different emotions.

HAPPY

SAD

THOUGHTFUL

INSPIRED

HOPEFUL

TOUCHED

BLESSED

THANKFUL

I shed a few tears, by a few i mean alot. I have never before seen a girl THIS young be such a good model to other people, even those much older than her!

She is a great credit to this earth and to this planet and we should feel blessed to have her and people like her in it..

It gives me hope that there will be a future for the children that there will be a light amougst the darkness.

This one, young small soul has provesd that to me.

If only the whole world would think the same way as this young heart. The world really would be SO AMAZING.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but i am definatly not the only one

Blessed so so so blessed......

Little Girl

Little girl

I see who you are

You put on a smile

But your falling apart

I wish i could hold you

And help you to stand

But you just run away

As fast as you can

Into the abyss

Of another far off world..

Your dying slowly

Little Girl

I hope one day you'll wake up

And see the true beauty

of your heart, of your spirit and soul.

That you step out of your own world...

Where your alone ,afraid and so cold.

Little girl

I wish you could see

Little Girl

The one who is me.

Sometimes i wonder why I bother...
I'm fed up of the friendship always being what you want it to be, and not what it should be.
I love how i always have to be there for you the entire time, but then, if i were to have a bad day, you walk in the opposite direction and ignore me.
I really thought friendship was about being there for eachother, about a connection that no one else can see.
I wish i could make you understand, maybe you do not realise you are doing it, but it's just not fair on anybody. You pick and choose everyday and forget about everybody else. That is not, in any sense what friendship is about.
I want you in my life, i love you and think you are such an amazing person, however, i think you just need to think, sometimes you don't realise how much you can hurt people by your actions.
What is sad, is that when i first met you, you were a WONDERFUL friend. It seems like you just get bored of people then cannot be bothered anymore.
I can only think of that one fault with you..just one...
Your gonna lose friends if you keep on the way you are.
I don't want that for you, I want you to be happy and enjoying life. But until you open your eyes. You stand the risk of losing alot of the people 'you love'
Just warning you thats all x

I want you to let it be

&& When the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on till tomorrow let it be...

If it was possible to play a song to much, then in the past few days i have certainly over played this song! To write a blog about it was something i have been debating, but i decided i should do it. What do i have to lose?
Sometimes, and now even more than ever, i have had trouble acccepting things., maybe it rained on a day i was going to be going outside, or i would hurt my leg and not be able to go to the stables or dance, when i wanted to do that more than anything at that particuar moment in time...or maybe i lost someone...death is such a complicated thing to understand when it happens to someone you love.
But the title of the song caputred my heart and i decided if anything would inspire me to change it would be this song...the constant repeat of 'let it be' echoed in my mind long after i had played the song...

'LET IT BE'

What could that mean?

Well to me it meant life..simply life.. Your destiny, as much as you can change it, can not be controlled, things happen, sometimes things that are not that good...but you really do have to let it be. At the end of the day, it is most likley that you have gained something from this experence. speaking words of wisdom. You really do learn from everything that happens in life, even the most insignificant of things.
Let it be is such a precious song, 'there will be an answer'...so i try not to give up hope...let it be and you will find an answer...
THERE WILL BE AN ANSWER LET IT BE..
I hold on to that and just live for the moment...tomorrow is another day...why worry about it now...
Trying.
Hoping.
Letting it be.