A modern day titanic

Ok, well yesterday i was out with my beautiful sister Alice in Romford on our way to my friend Hannah's house and my mom sent me a message saying that there had been an accident off the coast of Italy and a cruise ship was sinking. At first i couldn't believe it, literally couldn't, there was no part of my mind that could grasp the fact that exactly 100 years from the Titanic this other cruise ship was going down too. Instantly i wanted to burst into tears my heart was aching because i wanted to be there and be helping the people stuck on board that boat, i hate boats, with a passion for this exact reason....drowning is one of my worst fears along with burning to death, they are two extremes, but also two ways in which i would find the worst to die.  But i wanted to be there, i wanted to help..I don't know what my problem is, i think i must be stupid or something or just pathetic but whenever something like this happens..war, the 9/11, plane crashes, boat crashes etc...i could cry for hours, over something that is really, nothing to do with me. So this blog, I'm going to try and make it a good one to help people overcome the tragic thing that has happened. I really do pray that everyone that got out of that ship can find a piece of mind and strength to get over what has happened, and i also hope that the families whom are still waiting for news on their missing loved ones will hear the news they want to hear as soon as possible. I hope that those who are trapped, lost, missing or whatever, well i hope that they are found safe and that they can recover well enough to lead as much of a normal life as they can...and as for the ones that couldnt be saved...well i hope they found peace..i pray there was no suffering that it was simply a simple as falling asleep. 

When i got home from my friends house and yard (i have to go back again soon so im trying to get my blog updates written up!) my nanna showed me the picture in the newspaper and literally my heart jumped into my throat, and i just wanted to cry all over again I've never...in my lifetime seen anything like it. The headlines grab you and pull you in for all the wrong reasons, not for the good reasons that you would want to read '38 MISSING LAST NIGHT AND THREE DEAD AS CRUISE SHIP FLIPS ON SIDE' my gosh it really is awful. The pictures, are so full of emotion, the looks on peoples faces is enough to make any normal human being feel something within the heart a certain sadness that comes with fear and loss, even without being there. I just really wanted to write a blog about this as its affected me alot, i wanted to write and dedicated to everyone who has been hurt, maimed or killed by the events that happened.
For everyone whom is reading and has been affected by the sinking of Costa Concordia, i wish you peace, love, strength..i wish you happiness and i wish you hope. I believe that as a nation we will pull though something like this, it's the only time sadly that everyone works together 
'we must realise, that a change can only come, when we stand together as one'
That quote i totally love it and its so important to me, i believe that in the case of this sinking that is why there are so many survivors because so many people have banded together to try and help. 

All my love. Your all beautiful my wonderful readers. I wish you a beautiful day. Love you all.

7th July 2005

7/7/2005..the day that London was shaken with the horror of terror attacks by the same evil madman who planned the 9/11. Like the 9/11 i remember exactly where i was upon hearing the news of these attacks. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see if i could be fitted in for an urgent MRI scan. My ENT consultant was really worried and was getting his staff to run around seeing if they could fit me in. I remember the phone ringing and a conversation going on where it was clear that the patient was cancelling their appointment. After getting off the phone the receptionist spoke to another woman and said that there was a free MRI slot as a patient was stuck in traffic due to an incident in London...I didn't think anything of it, it was London, and there was ALWAYS things happening there and it went to the back of my mind especially when the slot was given to me, having claustrophobia the idea of being locked in a tube that long scared me to death.

After the scan was finished i was told to go into town and get something to drink whilst i was waiting for my results...so as per normal for me, i asked my mom if we could drive to a nearby Starbucks..When we got in the car and turned the radio on, was when where heard about everything that was going on in London, my heart was beating so fast i could barely breathe, it seemed to me like 9/11 was only a day ago, and now London had been targeted to. All i could register was the word 'bomb' and 'people dead'...even when i went back to get my results and were told i would need a operation asap i didn't really care, i was in a state of shock, pure shock. I couldn't understand, yet again, why people would commit such evil deeds.

When i later got home and saw everything unfolding before my eyes on TV I broke down even more so, people running, people screaming, people crying, people in pain, people dying, the emotions that kill me to see, the emotions that no human being should have to feel, that no living being should feel. After a while i began thinking about the families, what they must have been feeling 4 suicide bombers called 52 people that day, and ok, so maybe that was not as big as the thing that happened in America, but lives are lost, and people are still left behind grieving for something that no normal person would go out there and do.

Today family and friends of lost loved ones gathered in Hyde Park for a memorial, proof that the day that happened six years ago now lives on strongly in their minds, and it will do forever.

Things like this just shouldn't happen there is no need for it..

THIS is what i'm about, i'm about making the world see one person at time that world peace is needed, and if just one person reads this message, and changes their outlook, then it's worth it, if it makes just one person think about world peace and that we can do it together, then again it is worth it.

You may say i'm a dreamer but im not the only one, i hope some day that you will join us and the world WILL live as one.

26th March 2006

So today i was on facebook and looking though my pictures and remember after seeing the Young American folder that it is 5 years since Gweedo passed away. I wanted to write this blog in his memory, i felt that it was needed, i mean, i never got to meet this guy but i thought he was amazing, just by what i heard from the people who knew him, and the Young Americans i met that year.

I don't know the full story and i don't pretend to, nor is it my business to know, but i DO know that they day before the YA were due to come to our school, we heard the sad news that one of the cast members had passed away. Rumours started flying around, some that i don't even want to mention, but all i was thinking was,' but the Young Americans are a group of young people how could this have happened to someone so healthy and so free?'

My heart literally broke for them, and when i found out that they were still coming to our school i was literally in a state of shock, i don't know how someone could be so strong. It was amazing. I know i wrote a blog like this a couple of years ago, but i think that someone like this should not be forgotten, therefore a new blog, new beautiful thoughts and prayers of love and freedom.

Gweedo, well he was an amazing guy, REALLY amazing, and i know you are all thinking how could i know that when i had never met him... Well the answer is, the stories i heard, the videos i have seen and the pictures i have been shown. The only conclusion that i can come to, is that heaven needed him much more than anyone on earth could, because he was just to good to lose from this earth, i was gutted that i didn't get to meet him, REALLY gutted. But his story inspired me to be who i am today and taught me the beauty in having strength in the heart. The young americans, for the three days i was with them were amazing, there were tears, lots of tears, and all i wanted to do was to hug them all and make it ok, but i couldnt, i mean what can you say when something so awful has happened. Oh my gosh, i remember on the night of the show and this AMAZING girl called Aliana stood up on her own and said 'our show this evening is in memory of our dear friend Brent Gweedo Mathews' and oh my god i'm crying again now even thinking about it, the strength it must have took to get up and do that....I still cry everytime i watch the DVD and think about Gweedo. I don't care i never met him, i still know for a fact that he is impacting lives. My friend Katie had him homestay and was telling me about how he gave her a safety pin with green ribbon to keep her safe, and i thought that was a beautiful story, i always keep a safety pin attached to me now..A year or so ago, i was hanging out with one of my best friends charlottle who i met doing the YA in 2010 and was telling her about Gweedo, she gave me this green bracelet, which i still have not taken off, i think soon it's going to break because it's fraying so bad, but i will just keep it in my memory box when that does happen. There is so much meaning behind it that its unreal.

I don't know what else i can really write without sounding stupid..i just hope that the people who love him know how much he has changed my life, and many others like me..i hear Gweedo's story alot when i am doing w/s and i still remember when i done the stick dance with a friend of mine, Emma, in 2009 and i had Gweedo's stick. When she told me that, well, i have never ever ever danced with SO much passion like i did that day and that time. I didn't want to really do that dance, i had been crying so much before and all i thought was, how on earth can i go out there and do this....thats when Emma said. 'You know Gweedo right?, well look this is his stick' and it had his name on it...i knew he was there with me and with all the YA and i just done it and went for it with all my heart. He taught me to be a stronger person, when i lost both of my godparents last month, i had to leave rehearsals for we will rock you for the funeral, and even though my heart was saying, 'i can't do this, i cant go back to rehearsals' i did, and i cried alot, i spent most of the time either hugging one of my friends or having some alone time crying..but when i was needed to be on stage, i put it to the back of my mind and focused on the show...i would not have done that if i had not met the 2006 cast. I have a tattoo on my foot saying free, in memory of all my friends and family that have died, and i always think of gweedo as well whenever i look at it....

SIMPLY BLESSED.

LOVE ALL OVER THE WORLD AND HUGS FOR THOSE WHO NEED IT..

keep on praying for Japan and the lost, may the spirits of those now free, guide you to safety.

(This blog was written in memory of Gweedo, thank you for your heart for changing so many lives, and for still continuing to do so. Free.....)