A modern day titanic

Ok, well yesterday i was out with my beautiful sister Alice in Romford on our way to my friend Hannah's house and my mom sent me a message saying that there had been an accident off the coast of Italy and a cruise ship was sinking. At first i couldn't believe it, literally couldn't, there was no part of my mind that could grasp the fact that exactly 100 years from the Titanic this other cruise ship was going down too. Instantly i wanted to burst into tears my heart was aching because i wanted to be there and be helping the people stuck on board that boat, i hate boats, with a passion for this exact reason....drowning is one of my worst fears along with burning to death, they are two extremes, but also two ways in which i would find the worst to die.  But i wanted to be there, i wanted to help..I don't know what my problem is, i think i must be stupid or something or just pathetic but whenever something like this happens..war, the 9/11, plane crashes, boat crashes etc...i could cry for hours, over something that is really, nothing to do with me. So this blog, I'm going to try and make it a good one to help people overcome the tragic thing that has happened. I really do pray that everyone that got out of that ship can find a piece of mind and strength to get over what has happened, and i also hope that the families whom are still waiting for news on their missing loved ones will hear the news they want to hear as soon as possible. I hope that those who are trapped, lost, missing or whatever, well i hope that they are found safe and that they can recover well enough to lead as much of a normal life as they can...and as for the ones that couldnt be saved...well i hope they found peace..i pray there was no suffering that it was simply a simple as falling asleep. 

When i got home from my friends house and yard (i have to go back again soon so im trying to get my blog updates written up!) my nanna showed me the picture in the newspaper and literally my heart jumped into my throat, and i just wanted to cry all over again I've never...in my lifetime seen anything like it. The headlines grab you and pull you in for all the wrong reasons, not for the good reasons that you would want to read '38 MISSING LAST NIGHT AND THREE DEAD AS CRUISE SHIP FLIPS ON SIDE' my gosh it really is awful. The pictures, are so full of emotion, the looks on peoples faces is enough to make any normal human being feel something within the heart a certain sadness that comes with fear and loss, even without being there. I just really wanted to write a blog about this as its affected me alot, i wanted to write and dedicated to everyone who has been hurt, maimed or killed by the events that happened.
For everyone whom is reading and has been affected by the sinking of Costa Concordia, i wish you peace, love, strength..i wish you happiness and i wish you hope. I believe that as a nation we will pull though something like this, it's the only time sadly that everyone works together 
'we must realise, that a change can only come, when we stand together as one'
That quote i totally love it and its so important to me, i believe that in the case of this sinking that is why there are so many survivors because so many people have banded together to try and help. 

All my love. Your all beautiful my wonderful readers. I wish you a beautiful day. Love you all.

I want to travel the world

Ok, so tonight i was bored and didnt have a clue what to do with my time, i'm just sitting up in my room, literally with nothing to do and i'm bored as hell. She told me to blog so i guess thats what i'm just gonna do, now as you can see from my previous blog i'm not feeling to great right now, I'm fine, don't get me wrong i mean i have my butterfly there is no choice but to be fine..but i don't know...hmmm 
Well this morning when i woke up i must have spent hours on end writing and drawing in my journal and part of it was i made a list of the countries i want to visit more than anything in this world, and i mean, i want to be able to end my life if i live it long saying i've seen the entire world but if i cant do that then i at least want to get these places in as they are up the top.
So basically the ones that are ticked are the ones that i have already been to and already visited, it gets me super excited to think i still have all of these amazing places to go, and trust me when i say, i will get there and i will visit all of these places even if it takes me forever.
I have this incredible friend called Alice and she is literally my best best friend in the entire planet and thankfully, she has got this crazy travel bug too :) She also is Irish, so that just gives us an excuse to visit there, and we are both OBSESSED with Norway (another thing that should be happening soon, photography week in Norway :)) and of course, the pictures will be on here..i think my blog would be never ending over the time im in Norway, or at least, it would be when i got home for a few weeks. I've got alot of places on that list that also not many people would really consider, like the countries where the whole place is in poverty, but the are the ones that need people to visit the most, and they are also, the countries that i know i will find the most beautiful.
Iceland is another place i have recently become obsessed with since this morning when i saw a blog about it on here, i randomly came across it when i was looking for new blogs to follow and fell head over heels in love with the pictures...So yeah... 
Basically if there is anyone who has been to these countries could you let me know a little about your experiences please :)

Learning to love yourself

I wanted to write a blog about a website that has impacted my life incredibly over the past few days, most of all last night, and this website is called www.operationbeautiful.com . It was set up by a wonderful and epicly inspirational woman called Caitlin a few years back ( you can see her entire story on that link above...) I first about this website though a friend of mine a couple of years ago, when i saw the name of the link, i will be honest, i thought it was something for maybe getting free plastic surgey, and that, is the onlt reason i clicked on it in the first place.. If i had known the objection of the site, i would never have bothered..simple as that...

However, when I clicked onto that link, the page was filled with something totally different to what i thought it would be, it was filled full of stories of courage and hope, woman who had come back from the brink themselves thanks to either finding and operation beautiful note somewhere or atleast writing one and in doing so helping themselves. I sat there reading this page for what must have been hours i thought the whole idea was actually amazing and really did cry my eyes out when i read some of the things other woman had been though. So much STRENGTH.

So i actually never took any of that website on board then, i literally hid away from the idea when it come to myself, what i did do however was go on alot of operation beautiful missions spreading the story everywhere i went...until last night.... 

Operation beautiful is freaking awesome and has done so well that it now has a book published, well i bought a copy of that book for a friend of mine who to me, was one of the most beautiful girls i had ever met but who at the same time didn't see herself as beautiful, and because it was cheap i got a copy to read too...well I'd lent that book to my sister and her entire family read it...the loved every single page, and then i of course had read though it doing the same...but then last night i couldn't sleep, so i got this book out again and read it, and i mean really read it, I looked between the lines, and beyond the sentences and words of the pages...I began to cry and realised that all this time i had been obsessing over my image to a point where i was killing myself, literally beating myself to death, over something that unless i'm rolling in it, I'm not gonna be able to change..so i might as well suck it up and get on with it...so from now on I've decided...that ok a may not be able to accept myself, i don't think thats ever gonna happen, but I'm not gonna let it get in the way of going out there and changing the world like i want to do anymore...

Operation beautiful is such a wonderful and amazing website and i strongly urge all my readers to read it... 

xxx

In peace

just realised if you look at the isalnd where all the shootings took place in Norway, It's the shape of a heart (well not perfect but you know you can see it if you look the right way)..and it made me cry....To me that is a symbol that the dead are at peace and loved ones can (try) to move on..i just saw and thought i would share it on facebook...'death' does not mean the end of love...

- i just posted this on my facebook and thought that i should put it in a more publice place :)x

Attack on Norway

It's just come up all over the news about Norway and i really do begin to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this earth and the people in it. I know that Norway is one of the last countries i would expect this to happen to, this is a fairly quiet country that does not really cause trouble. It worries me that this is now starting to happen in the countries in where we would have once deemed safe to live in. There is reported already to be seven people dead, and more seriously injured, and ok so that might only be 'seven' lives at the moment, but each one of them is precious...by destroying that life, you have broken the hearts of many others and took away someones right to live, something that no one, apart from god, has the right to decide. There is also meant to be a gunman on the loose of a island nearby to Norway, i mean really WHAT THE FUCK?!? There were people hiding in bushes and people trying to SWIM off the island just to get away. I don't understand it...The world is falling apart, and people are not caring, there is only so long you can sweep something like this away as if it does not exist, and then by the time people realise that its a problem that needs addressing, it's too late the worlds gone.

It just gets me so angry, I'm sitting here crying, because it just hurts my heart to see this world, the planet we live on, in such a freaking mess all the time, i don't understand, i cannot begin to understand..what must have been going though the minds of the people who planted the bombs, and what it must be like for the ones left suffering..people always talk about the dead, but rarely the are the people left behind thought about straight away...thats always after, after the time when they need the help the most....it's just awful.

I'm not saying that Norway is the perfect country and im not saying that this was going to happen...what i'm saying is, this was clearly an attack to simply kill...in a low risk country, to put more people all over the world in constant fear.

Norway is looking like a war zone, no where should look like that...guns need to be put down, the whole idea of bombs needs to be thrown away and the world needs to live in 100% peace, and i'm sorry if you don't agree with that, because it's something i'm going to fight for till i die.

7th July 2005

7/7/2005..the day that London was shaken with the horror of terror attacks by the same evil madman who planned the 9/11. Like the 9/11 i remember exactly where i was upon hearing the news of these attacks. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see if i could be fitted in for an urgent MRI scan. My ENT consultant was really worried and was getting his staff to run around seeing if they could fit me in. I remember the phone ringing and a conversation going on where it was clear that the patient was cancelling their appointment. After getting off the phone the receptionist spoke to another woman and said that there was a free MRI slot as a patient was stuck in traffic due to an incident in London...I didn't think anything of it, it was London, and there was ALWAYS things happening there and it went to the back of my mind especially when the slot was given to me, having claustrophobia the idea of being locked in a tube that long scared me to death.

After the scan was finished i was told to go into town and get something to drink whilst i was waiting for my results...so as per normal for me, i asked my mom if we could drive to a nearby Starbucks..When we got in the car and turned the radio on, was when where heard about everything that was going on in London, my heart was beating so fast i could barely breathe, it seemed to me like 9/11 was only a day ago, and now London had been targeted to. All i could register was the word 'bomb' and 'people dead'...even when i went back to get my results and were told i would need a operation asap i didn't really care, i was in a state of shock, pure shock. I couldn't understand, yet again, why people would commit such evil deeds.

When i later got home and saw everything unfolding before my eyes on TV I broke down even more so, people running, people screaming, people crying, people in pain, people dying, the emotions that kill me to see, the emotions that no human being should have to feel, that no living being should feel. After a while i began thinking about the families, what they must have been feeling 4 suicide bombers called 52 people that day, and ok, so maybe that was not as big as the thing that happened in America, but lives are lost, and people are still left behind grieving for something that no normal person would go out there and do.

Today family and friends of lost loved ones gathered in Hyde Park for a memorial, proof that the day that happened six years ago now lives on strongly in their minds, and it will do forever.

Things like this just shouldn't happen there is no need for it..

THIS is what i'm about, i'm about making the world see one person at time that world peace is needed, and if just one person reads this message, and changes their outlook, then it's worth it, if it makes just one person think about world peace and that we can do it together, then again it is worth it.

You may say i'm a dreamer but im not the only one, i hope some day that you will join us and the world WILL live as one.

save me from this road im on....

'Jesus take the wheel take it from my hands, cuz i can't do this on my own, i'm letting go so give me one more chance save me from this road i'm on, Jesus take the wheel.'
I've just been sitting here listening to the wonderful Carrie Underwood and all her music and albums, and Jesus take the wheel came on..it got me thinking...even if i don't really believe in Jesus and God, that sometimes maybe the thing we need to do is to just stand up and let fate and destiny lead us on the right path. The past week for me has been so hard, and i've been breaking down in tears alot and not being able to cope with my heart and my feelings. I'm learning that some things are really hard, but at the same time you learn more and more everyday who the people are that you simply need in your life to survive, ive been trying to kid myself that i dont need no one but i dont think that is true. Friendship to me is so important. Sometimes i do stupid things, and risk breaking that relationship, which to me, means more than any 'proper' relationship with a man would..even if it WAS Johnny Depp (i can dream..and pray...and really pray) ;) but..i think, when im down and sad...i forget that, and just do things without thinking about the other persons feelings and how that could affect them. I never ever mean to hurt someone and the thought that i do always makes me mad at myself, when its someone who means the world to you its even harder. I just sometimes don't imagine myself living without certain people in my life, and the fact that ive pushed them away out of my own doing hurts me so deeply.
I also learnt that alcohol is not a good mix with depressive moods and feelings, I've learnt the VERY hard way that it generally fucks everything up. Thats the reason ive been like this for the past week, what hurts the most is knowing that you cannot change what happens in the past even if you want it more than anything else in the world. I went to a party to other day and didnt drink, whereas normally i would not have thought twice, one event, has literally changed EVERYTHING for me. Listening to Jesus take the wheel, i think just helped me to remember that i cannot changed things that have happened, and the fact i do not know what the future will holds for me. I need to just keep holding on and trying...i believe that destiny and fate will save me....

Starting with goodbye

I think that more than anything in this world. letting go, is one of the hardest things to do, in any way, shape or form, in the past two weeks, my whole life has changed..I've changed, I've HAD to change. First of all i left college, being in education had been all ive known, i didn't take a year out at any point and the thought of being without this (ok annoying and frustrating) but secure atmosphere scares the crap out of me. I used to always think, its ok, i can just go to college i dont have to worry about MY future, now it's changing, and its something out of my control. Being out of control is something i hate the most.

I'm learning fast that my destructive relationship with myself is also ruining my relationships i have with others. I know i need to learn to love myself, but at the end of the day, that is simply not going to happen. So therefore, I'm learning from THAT, that i maybe now need to let people go to stop them from getting hurt by me. I hate the thought of me hurting anyone, just as much as i hate the word hate, i just think that word is not worthy of being used about anything that has the potential to be beautiful (thats everything btw)The only thing this world should hate IS hate....It hurts me like fucking crazy because the people i am talking about mean more to me than life itself, but then its better to love something and let it go, than to keep holding on and getting nothing good out of it.

It's the same with my dancing, i think now i need to accept that in the real world away from the security of college, i would epically fail as a dancer, if i'm performing in the west end and refuse to wear a costume because i look to fat it would not go down well at all. I also know, because im not one of these 6ft tall girls who weighs 5 stone i would get told im not the right body shape for a dancer, and considering i already have problems with stuff like that, i dont think its a good idea to go down that road. I want to take my diploma though, and use it to help and change other peoples lives instead, i want to prove to the world that ANYONE can dance, it shouldn't just be about the rich being able to...now ive left college i know i wont be taking dance classes for a long time because i simply just dont have the money, it angers me that dancing is very much about that all the time.

I know i can help people, i really believe that i can help anyone and i don't give a fuck that people may disagree with me, i want to help people so thats all that matters, im learning to do that, and to move on with my life, i have to make sacrifices, i have to say goodbye..yes it will hurt, i will cry...yes sometimes it will break every fibre of my being, but letting go i guess it a part of life....its just learning to let go....just a step at a time letting go.

Everything you love in life is like a bird, it should be free, but if it comes back to you then you know it is yours to keep :)

What is hope?

What is hope..? Hope is something that keeps you going though everything, a light that glimmers, and keeps flickering, even when it seems the world has run out of oxygen to breathe in.

Hope is something that whispers in your ear, one more time, when you fall to knees and loose courage for what you always believed in.

Hope is powerful, it keeps us clinging on, when any other time we would have given up without a thought to it's future impact.

Hope is something that makes us fight for what we want, it makes us human. It helps us to learn that mistakes are necessary if you are going to grow at all.

Hope is something that keeps us believing there will be a better day, that this world will change and one day everyone and everything will live as one.

Hope is something that makes us so passionate about the things we love, and makes us want to go out and pursue our dreams and help others achieve theirs.
Hope makes the world go around.

Hope is like a bird

Flying free

Endlessly swooping into the hearts of those who need her...

Hope is you ...

So this is something i wrote for a friend or more a sister of mine, but i actually think she hates me now, i wrote it in a book about a week ago and was going to send it to her, but i think just here is a better idea :)

Where where you?

I am sitting her right now, thinking about a dance that i have recently done for 9/11, both the victims and their families, and it shocked me to realise that i remember exactly where i was when it happened. I was on my way home from school in the car, and we were just pulling into my road that i live in, There came a newsflash over the radio saying that a plane a had hit the twin towers in New york city, i was young, and i didn't really understand this, I'd always been on planes from since when i was a tiny baby, and i knew the pilots would not just fly in to a building like that, but then, at the same time, in the innocence that comes with childhood, i didn't think that there were such people on this earth who would WANT to do that, why would someone want to kill a whole plane of human beings, and thousands inside the towers, why would someone want to cause SO MUCH pain and anguish to the world. When i was later sitting on my sofa eating my dinner, watching news coverage of the tragedy, it came though that a second plane had gone into the other twin tower. Then came the news that it was a terrorist attack, i shall never forget how hard it seemed for my mother to try and describe this to me, never, how do you explain something so awful to such a young and innocent person.

So many stories have touched me from that day, for example, the people on the plane that crashed into the field, the people on that plane fought with the terrorists, they knew they were going to die, but they managed to get the plane to crash into a field, sparing the lives of hundreds. They gave themselves so selflessly. The story of the 'falling man' imagine knowing your going to die, and then having to decide if you want to perish in this building or jump, such thoughts should not have to ever be thought about, no one should be in the situation to have to do that. The story of the couple in the north tower, they jumped out the trade centre holding hands, thats love, true love and it brought tears into my eyes.

I don't know why, but the 9/11 affects me alot, still, i know i'm not American and nor did i know a person that died, but it breaks my heart just to see these things happening. America, for me, is such an amazing place, i've never seen a country bound together like that before, everywhere you look, people hold their flag, people with tears pouring down their face, hearts breaking, but still clasping in their free hand a small but still powerful american flag. Flags everywhere, never forgetting their pride, instead of letting it separate them, it brought them together, i admire them for that.

I think about it alot, and also cry about it alot still, LOVE is the answer and i wish people could just see that and accept it, we would be much better off if people did. When the rubble was cleared away from ground zero one small part was left a part of the structure in the shape of a cross, i dont know what i believe when it comes to religion and i dont know if god exists, but i think that was his way of saying the dead were at peace, and free...

So many people lost their lives that day, and so many people equally had their lives ruined, people lost parents, siblings, spouses, sons and daughters...almost everyone. The planes that were taken had children in them, people who were just starting out in life, only the have it snatched away from them. It's just not fair.

I wish the world would just get on and live together, there is no need for killing people.

'An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind' as Ghandi once said.

America you inspire me, such a strong country full of such heart and hope.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL...

So you think you can dance.....

Okay see this is the thing i am talking about when it comes to equal opportunities for dancers all over. I am currently sitting downstairs on the sofa and my mum is watching 'So you think you can dance.' This amazing dancer came on my screen and introduced herself as Kaite, she told the judge panel she would be doing contemporary and oh my gosh, she literally reduced me to tears...she was that amazing, she got though, and don't get me wrong, she totally deserved it...there were many other dancers in her position aswell, they were amazing, they had it ALL there, they deserved to get though!. Then there were the other dancers who back up my argument. A young man came on the screen and introduced himself, he had the most beautiful and most touching heart, so much passion for what he does and for dancing itself, but then, when he danced, he didn't have any of the technique there, you could tell he had not really had no dance training, however, he put so much of his heart into it, and it upset me when he finished to have his dreams crushed because 'he was not good enough' ok so he wasn't the best 'dancer' there, but in my eyes i could see he was the best TRUE dancer, because to me, real dancing is about feeling it inside your heart, and moving with your body, and besides who knows.? Given the chance and the training he could be amazing! There was another girl who was deaf, and she learnt music and dance by feeling the vibrations, she didn't get though either because of stupid things like 'her lines were not right' ok, i understand this comp is looking for the best 'dancer, but why can she not even have a chance..? The panel even said if she had training she would be awesome..! It makes me mad! She could be such a role model for people who have disabilities, there will be people who want to dance, but feel they can't because they are deaf, well wouldn't she show the world something totally different. I'm just saying that THESE are the people who deserve to be given a chance, people like this are our future if we have any chance of equality.. So if you guys are reading this, i want to thank you, for having the courage to get up on that stage and just dance, despite what people may think about you, or if people say you can't do it. I encourage you to carry on with your dreams of being dancers. You can do it, and you deserve it just as much as any other person if not more. Good luck! This is what real dancing should be.

26th March 2006

So today i was on facebook and looking though my pictures and remember after seeing the Young American folder that it is 5 years since Gweedo passed away. I wanted to write this blog in his memory, i felt that it was needed, i mean, i never got to meet this guy but i thought he was amazing, just by what i heard from the people who knew him, and the Young Americans i met that year.

I don't know the full story and i don't pretend to, nor is it my business to know, but i DO know that they day before the YA were due to come to our school, we heard the sad news that one of the cast members had passed away. Rumours started flying around, some that i don't even want to mention, but all i was thinking was,' but the Young Americans are a group of young people how could this have happened to someone so healthy and so free?'

My heart literally broke for them, and when i found out that they were still coming to our school i was literally in a state of shock, i don't know how someone could be so strong. It was amazing. I know i wrote a blog like this a couple of years ago, but i think that someone like this should not be forgotten, therefore a new blog, new beautiful thoughts and prayers of love and freedom.

Gweedo, well he was an amazing guy, REALLY amazing, and i know you are all thinking how could i know that when i had never met him... Well the answer is, the stories i heard, the videos i have seen and the pictures i have been shown. The only conclusion that i can come to, is that heaven needed him much more than anyone on earth could, because he was just to good to lose from this earth, i was gutted that i didn't get to meet him, REALLY gutted. But his story inspired me to be who i am today and taught me the beauty in having strength in the heart. The young americans, for the three days i was with them were amazing, there were tears, lots of tears, and all i wanted to do was to hug them all and make it ok, but i couldnt, i mean what can you say when something so awful has happened. Oh my gosh, i remember on the night of the show and this AMAZING girl called Aliana stood up on her own and said 'our show this evening is in memory of our dear friend Brent Gweedo Mathews' and oh my god i'm crying again now even thinking about it, the strength it must have took to get up and do that....I still cry everytime i watch the DVD and think about Gweedo. I don't care i never met him, i still know for a fact that he is impacting lives. My friend Katie had him homestay and was telling me about how he gave her a safety pin with green ribbon to keep her safe, and i thought that was a beautiful story, i always keep a safety pin attached to me now..A year or so ago, i was hanging out with one of my best friends charlottle who i met doing the YA in 2010 and was telling her about Gweedo, she gave me this green bracelet, which i still have not taken off, i think soon it's going to break because it's fraying so bad, but i will just keep it in my memory box when that does happen. There is so much meaning behind it that its unreal.

I don't know what else i can really write without sounding stupid..i just hope that the people who love him know how much he has changed my life, and many others like me..i hear Gweedo's story alot when i am doing w/s and i still remember when i done the stick dance with a friend of mine, Emma, in 2009 and i had Gweedo's stick. When she told me that, well, i have never ever ever danced with SO much passion like i did that day and that time. I didn't want to really do that dance, i had been crying so much before and all i thought was, how on earth can i go out there and do this....thats when Emma said. 'You know Gweedo right?, well look this is his stick' and it had his name on it...i knew he was there with me and with all the YA and i just done it and went for it with all my heart. He taught me to be a stronger person, when i lost both of my godparents last month, i had to leave rehearsals for we will rock you for the funeral, and even though my heart was saying, 'i can't do this, i cant go back to rehearsals' i did, and i cried alot, i spent most of the time either hugging one of my friends or having some alone time crying..but when i was needed to be on stage, i put it to the back of my mind and focused on the show...i would not have done that if i had not met the 2006 cast. I have a tattoo on my foot saying free, in memory of all my friends and family that have died, and i always think of gweedo as well whenever i look at it....

SIMPLY BLESSED.

LOVE ALL OVER THE WORLD AND HUGS FOR THOSE WHO NEED IT..

keep on praying for Japan and the lost, may the spirits of those now free, guide you to safety.

(This blog was written in memory of Gweedo, thank you for your heart for changing so many lives, and for still continuing to do so. Free.....)

Random Vent

Urgh i really don't know where my creative spark has gone recently, i want, more than ever to be able to sit here and write the words from my heart onto this blog, but i just cannot do it. It's over a week since everything started happening in Japan, and this woman has been pulled out....80 years old, alive, and a young boy, more than anything i was to write about this amazing feat...i want to write how strong my feelings of happiness are, but i just cannot.
My heart still continues to break for the people out there suffering, there were pictures in the newspaper today and one shows a woman crying, standing in front of a wreckage, which i can only assume is her home. It's just so sad, all i can think of is getting out there and helping these people. I actually have gone past caring if i died or not...i mean, if i did it would be for a good cause right.?
It makes me so mad i cannot write out what im feeling, its a total mental block and it fucking sucks.
I have this friend and she is totally amazing with words, and i dont think she even knows it. I adore things she writes, even just little things on her wall, i found a letter she wrote me two years ago...i wish i could write like that, shes simply wonderful.
I did find out today that the YA that were in Japan are back home in America, that is a big comfort for me, there are some amazing people on that tour and cast and i would have been lost to hear that anything had happened to them.
Peace.

Fragile

Last night i went out on a nature walk with my friend, we got some REALLY amazing photos, i decided i would climb a tree and take a picture of the horses in the sunset, at the time it was a really good idea, but my foot slipped and i fell. It was so scary, i can't remember a thing of it, i remember feeling myself fall and that was it, i know that only now am i starting to remember that evening at all, and thats with looking though pictures...It's still hazy though.

I know, it made me grateful though, it made me realise how precious and yet fragile life is, i am so so lucky so lucky, yes I'm agony, but i've come out of it with bruising and severe whiplash, i was in a neck brace and on a spinal board for hours until they gave me a scan, they really thought i had done some serious damage, I'm lucky, in fact, lucky does not even come close....

I can't dance for two weeks though, i don't understand what i am going to do with myself, dancing is my life, and to think i'm going to have to abstain from it..makes me feel like im suffocating, and no horse riding or exercise for two weeks, that don't help either.

But i dont know, it made me think about all the people that lose their lives young, and how they did not deserve it. I'm lucky, and i need to start being more grateful.

(above is the picture that nearly cost my life)

I dance even when i feel pain, i dance knowing theres something to gain

Ok so I'm thinking as i simply cannot do anything but think about Japan, i should maybe try and busy myself with writing a blog about today, considering i wanted to do that!

So today i had my urban class, and we got to do something entirely different to what we normally do, normally, i love urban, of course it's dancing, but normally i will cry and get so frustrated because it's not my 'dance' style.

Well today we were talking as a class and i found that urban dance and music, can be used to perform a lyrical dance, Music is just one of the few wonderful things that you can do literally anything with.

We were given a piece of music with no lyrics in which to make up a dance (lyrical based) too. At first i was totally lost, because its not the normal music i dance lyrical to...but i just really thought about it, about what it would feel like to have depression and i mean the real and RAW emotions, and i just moved, and danced...It just came from somewhere deep inside me...

Then after the class, i danced a little bit of let it be for my teacher, it was the most beautiful feeling, even though inside my heart was pounding so much and i was literally terrified, i put all my soul and passion into it, i danced for overcoming violence, war and the negative things that happen in our lives.. I came out of that class knowing that i'd helped someone understand the power of lyrical, and the words of let it be.

Prayers and Love to all in Japan;...

Going to be dancing for you for the next few months to come!

Praying for Japan

I've just been watching the News all day and watching the devastation in Japan is just breaking my heart.
I'm crying my eyes out, watching their houses get destroyed, and their lives, what they have spent their entire life building on being taken out, just like that.
How can the earth be so cruel, how can the ocean, it all it's beauty and vastness, hold such fear and such dread. How can it take away everything....
I want with all my heart to go out there and help, i wish that i could get on a plane and make a chain of people, stand up against nature and help them be strong and fight it, but i cannot, and that hurts like hell...it hurts so much.
I'm thinking of the Young Americans that are out there, Mary-jo, Judy and Bruce, everyone else out there, and i'm just praying they stay safe, they have changed my life so much, and change so many lives, the world would just not be the same without them.
I'm praying and i'm hoping, please god if you are real help these people, help them rebuild their lives and bring comfort to the people who have lost loved ones...
It's so sad...i actually cannot stop crying, it's breaking my heart, i don't know what to write, words just cannot explain....

Please help them someone.....

We are the ones who make a brighter day so lets start giving

'Rural girls have the same dreams as girls everywhere, but they are destroyed by poverty.'

I was just browsing on my twitter account and saw that someone had posted this quote, i mean really, where is the fairness in it.? I'm sick of hearing about people who lose out on things that others can get so easily, just because of money.

I'm talking about this in a big scale, you could go to Africa and find one of the most talented singers that this earth could ever find, a person who wants to share their passion with the world, someone who could be as famous as the wonderful and amazing John Lennon. But will they ever get a chance to show that? No. because they are struggling to survive and make ends meet, and sometimes they will even die young, because they do not even have the money to be alive....a talented and beautiful, individual life, gone, just like that.

It makes me cry that such a beautiful world could be so mean and so horrible to an innocent person, i read a story recently which was about a girl who had bought NINE dresses for her wedding day, all at over £1000 each, and ok, i think some of the comments made about her were out of order, but if shes got that much money to throw around, why is she not giving it to someone who's life it could change..? She is only going to wear them once for christs sake! The money from one dress alone could save a life....but whatever, that's just what i think....

I mean even in England, where compared to some countries and people, EVERYONE is rolling in it, there are thousand of people who are losing out on their dreams, just because of having the lack of funds...look at uni fees reaching a retarded level, and to add the fact all funding is being cut, it makes it impossible for SO MANY people to actually go to uni and make something AMAZING of their life...The government are fucking retarded what they don't realize is that the children are the future, they need to teach and educate them, and help them, not throw them in the corner because they do not come form rich families...by doing that they could be losing out on some amazing doctors,lawers...anyone...there could even be a person there who will find the cure for cancer, but will never get the chance because the government don't give a shit...

Urgh it annoys me...yeah so it might cost them money now, but think in the future how much that child will give back....

Idiots...the worlds people are destroying their planet and their own lives without even realising it.

Home is where the heart is

I think it's stupid, that your home has to be where you are born.

I mean, is home not a place where you are meant to feel most at home and most happy?

A place where you can feel safe and content. The place you heart is.

So does that mean that literally anywhere can be our home, as long as we are happy there.

And anyway, are we not all living under the same sky.? Does that not make us the same?

'Home is where the heart is'

I'm sick of people telling me 'Your already home' when i say i miss my home (Germany). Because i generally love that place more than anywhere else in the entire world, and i know when i have everything sorted and under control, i want to move out there, it's amazing and just so beautiful.

The people, the ground, the grass, i love everything, theres this thing in Germany, that i love called respect, something that England seems to lack quite greatly in more than one area. The place is just so clean.

It gives me hope there, and moves me to tears, how a total stranger will get off the bus to help someone else on, in England people just sit and watch and don't think to help.

I don't need for the sunshine to be beating down to be happy in that place, rain or shine, even in snow, nothing can take away my deep love and affection for that wonderful country.

I miss it.

I miss Germany

I miss my home

You and me....

A little poem i wrote in memory of all cancer paitents, its crap i know, but i think it holds a beautiful and conforting message...

Do not worry i am safe now,
Happy and so free,
I'm looking down upon you
sending your love and thoughts to me

I didn't want to go at first
but the pain it got too much
However do not worry
the angels look after me above.

I know the doctors could not save me,
But please do not be mad.
You see they tired their hardest
And i hate seeing you so sad.

Death is not the end
it's just a new life that's begun
One that's everlasting, internal.
Dancing under the sun.

I'm just so happy now
even though i miss you oh so much
I'm saving a space for you in heaven
When your time is up.

But for now i want you to live your life
Be happy for me.
I'll see you one day soon again
And we will live on,
under the sun

you and me
for eternity.

Love never dies..???

I was on tumblr today, and i saw a quote on my friends page saying

'It's better to have loved than not to have loved at all', it was a post she'd wrote in memory of her friend that passed away,..

I was sitting there thinking about it, and think that maybe, that quote is actually wrong, i mean in this case at least.

It's talking about love in a past tense, as if there is no love there anymore, which i think is kinda dumb, just because someone passed away does not mean love instantly has to be snatched from both sides.

I think love is one of those precious things that is always there. I mean, the real true love. Once you love someone, i don't think you can 'unlove' them, yes, if they do something bad enough, you could end up hating (strong word) them. But i really do not that the love goes away. How can you love someone, and then just not.

REAL LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

That means no matter what that person does, and even if you can never bring yourself to look or talk to them again, there must still be a little part of you that loves that particular person.

I think that if you can unlove someone, then you never really loved them at all.

Take me for example, i had one 'friend' that treated me like crap, one of my best friends, and i don't talk to her now, but i loved her, and i know as much as i don't want to admit it, i still do, simply because she was such a big part of my life.

Love is just so beautiful i don't think it could ever go away completely..

I wish that where there is war, there could be love instead, the world would be perfect...i mean as perfect as perfect could be.

Love love love

Love is all you need