Another lion king blog

Here i go again,going off on one of my lion king rampages...for anyone who hates lion king..I'm sorry i advise you not to read. I actually havnt spoken about my obsession this year...i dont think. So now is a perfect time to write again.
Well today i wanted to write about the dance i done with the YA in the fall and yes i have spoken about this dance many a time before but i just felt i wanted to write more about it...about the guy i learnt the dance from and the whole experience that time.

Everytime i dance the Lion king with the young Americans i feel something different, i change a little inside...another piece of my heart is opened up...my head is clearer...but oh my gosh...the last workshops i took, i flew to Germany, i literally have never seen a more amazing cast, or more, i have never trusted a group of people enough to let them in like i did with them...I mean even the company director oh my gosh (Tina) I loved her to hell and back, and it broke my heart inside when i had to say goodbye, just as it does with the YA. People always seem to overlook the director, well both Tina and I had our last workshop in Gotha which is a beautiful town that  fell in love with, and the kids were incredible...and there is this medley dedicated to the world, to working together to create something beautiful....and I was watching Tina the entire time, and in the end i was like 'screw it!!!!' and asked for her to come sing with us all, it was literally the best feeling ever, the best. NEVER BE AFRAID..even if you hands are shaking...and your faith is broken,...even as the eyes are closing, do it with a heart wide open. Don't be afraid. It's ok.
But Tina was beautiful, she touched my heart and..wow...she was like the perfect director for such a perfect cast...
Where i do so much performing arts stuff, I'm used to working with lots of different people and moving on and never really seeing them again and i deal with that pretty well.  I mean my heart will break at the time but i get over it pretty quickly...well...i still miss this cast..more than ever i still miss this cast with every fibre of my being, whenever I'm having a shit day (often recently), i always try to look back..at what that cast taught me.
I'm gonna try SO hard to take all of it into the workshop i am taking next month..although physically i am so ill right now, i don't even know if i will cope with workshop...but if i am ok..if i manage to not faint, or end up crying I'm in so much pain with my stomach haha..then i will try and give it all i have.
This cast...( I love how i go off subject all the time because i have so much to say) I couldn't ask to have met better people...in the worst of situations i cope so much better..When Topper died in december, i cuddled into my little irish man at the stables and gave him a hug (that horse is my life)...instead of being stupid over something that was indeed just a part of the circle of life...My butterfly tattoo, instead of self harming all the time...i consider all that cast to be a part of that butterfly...they all mean that much to me.
OK..I'm gonna actually do the blog i came to do....first of all i would like to dedicate this to a girl who helped me a lot and her little baby Maisie...for the meaning of lion king..I hope this brings you strength. love you.
So I danced this dance with Rob this time (and with this amazing other boy who i think was called tom..i'm 20 in a week or so my brain cells are dying i can't remember!!!) and it was perfect because i knew the dance from previous stick dances, so i really got to focus on the meaning behind the dance and song even more than ever. I remember Rob saying to me something along these lines.

'The best of the sticks like you already said is the heartbeat, now we start that heartbeat, thats why your centre sticks, that why i picked you i think you are the strongest in the workshop. We are going to go out there and dance from within us...' Well...even in rehearsal i cried every single time, and the best bit, i felt different every time..thats what i love about dance, most of all lyrical, it has so much power and so much soul.  The first time i learnt the dance (this is to shadowlands btw) Emma taught me that it was a story....going through something hard in your life and getting to your lowest of lowest and coming back up again...(and yet again i'm crying my eyes out this always happens!) Everytime i try to reflect that within my movement...and when i'm up on that stage in front of people i just want to give the message, and the fall cast taught me not to give a TOSS what people thought, or how much of a bad dancer i am just to dance..The best moment came when Nartan took my hand and said i danced the entire Lion King medley with such passion and such heart, like oh my gosh that just meant a lot..the trying not to cry thing was a struggle then too..When he said he could see the whole story i was telling from within my eyes...that meant more to me than anything else ever...

I just want to explain the heartbeat thing and this Maisie is where it becomes a message for you and you mum. When i was in workshop, i learnt the heartbeat was what kept all us all together, the heart beat made us one.. and one i keep with me, is that no matter where i go i will still have my heart beating along with all the people i was blessed to dance that dance with. Even the kids who i didn't take workshop with, from that dance i was taught, we are all connected in a circle of life...even when our time on earth is over, as long as a heartbeat, somewhere remains, that person/loved one never dies..NEVER...Their heart beats though YOUR heart.
'They live in you, They live in my, their watching over, everything we see, in every creature, in every star..in your reflection they live in you.'
The circle of life is the most beautiful concept ever...it gives me hope i will see my grandad again, the man who was my father to me. It gives me hope i will see my friends i've lost again and all the little animals, as insignificant as they may be to others, anything that meant a lot to me..it gives me hope i will see them again.
To me..i now believe that nothing is ever final  and that no matter if someone in body is gone, it does not mean they have to be gone. I mean my grandad is here more than ever, and theres this beautiful YA called Gweedo who passed away in 2006, he is still very much alive..because the people who loved him keep him alive and pass his story on.
From this blog i wanted to show how much this dance means, again...i mean, i learnt to accept death though the young americans...i learnt to let go, i learnt goodbyes are sometimes the only way to go, i learnt we are all one. i learnt we are connected, i learnt the real meaning behind lion king and the circle of life ( i will like cry every time i see lion king...i went to see it in London a month or so back, i was crying pretty much the entire way though...WOW...so much power...
LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE They need each other. and remember what i said just because someone is not here in body does not mean they are no longer alive anymore. As long as they live on within your heart...they are alive too...
Please take this blog and understand what i am saying...I actually love you all just for reading this, just for taking time to read this...
I wish you 525,600 minutes of everything you could ever want..  xxxx
PS: added is the video of the stick dance i was talking about and for those who know what I'm like watch me...just watch me..im actually at the front this time, and I'm jot trying to hide...im not running away and oh my gosh the passion i am putting into it, i was gobsmacked when i watched it back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0lFkn7S8GE&lc=5kSuQO6l26P7xFiUU2HkJAPNIMH2fvnIFwbgp-jiggo&feature=inbox

PPS: Please PLEASE check out the YA website and see what they can offer, they really do change lives so much, as you can read here...and that dance bear in mind that was one part of the show which they taught to hundreds of kids who spoke german in two days...im just crying again thinking about it..if you know ANYWHO who will benefit from the incredible opportunity then please get in touch....(with them not me that would be pointless and i never check my mail. www.youngamericans.org i am sure thats right, if not google and it will pop up right away  :)

Somebody that i used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and now we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

This song sings my heart today

Dream Like New York

Well i'm sorry that i didn't get much more of my blog finished the other day but i literally got home from sorting the horses out and by the time i was out of my stinking riding stuff i was so tired i was passed out on the sofa. Because i have so much trouble sleeping, it means that i will normally go a week or so without sleeping then i will just sleep for an entire day or more, i hate it. I hate even more the fact no medication seems to help. Well anyway, there was another blog i wanted to write two days ago that i never got around to so, i really need to get it done now.
As all of my readers know music is a huge part of my life and i actually have pages at the back of my journal where i will hear music and think of a thought, feeling or emotion straight away, well i will write it down, so i know what music i should listen to in whatever situation i am in to make me feel better. Well there is this song i discovered recently which is totally amazing and instantly make me think just about my future. I cried a little when i first heard it, but only because i found the lyrics to be just so beautiful. 

So the lyrics for this song just inspire me so much, they explain life, they make you realise what life is. I love how Tyrone explains that so many dreams come and go, because many people will have a plan of something they want to do, and when they loose that dream they give up and think that there is no other dream that could ever possibly come to them, i love this song it gives hope, it shows its OK to change you mind and go down a different path. This song gives such an important message...most of all with this verse.

How many times have u tried and failed?
Have you watched your dreams slip away?
Well every hero falls and every soldier crawls.
And every dreamer dreams again
Got to dream again

And that message is to never give up and never give in because everyone, no matter how strong they are will fall at some point, even those who say they don't. I used to be one of them, i used to say i would never cry and i didn't care when i hurt myself because i was scared of letting people know that i was weak...well i hope this song teaches you also not to be weak and afraid. I just really wanted to share this song with you guys and i really hope you can take something from it like i managed to.
Man i cannot wait to learn this on guitar! xxxx :)

So many dreams come and go
We blink our eyes
Time flies by we don't know
Whatever happened to those childhood years
When we thought we could fly
We got to keep those dreams alive

And dream like New York
As high as the skyline
Aim for the stars above those city lights
I want to dream like New York
I'm running down Broadway
I got to catch the next train
I'm making my way

Race to work again today
From nine to five
I only strive to stay awake
But the child inside me
Dares to believe I still can fly
Can't let those dreams just die

I got to dream like New York
As high as the skyline
Aim for the stars above those city lights
I want to dream like New York
I'm running down Broadway
I got to catch the next train
I'm making my way

How many times have u tried and failed?
Have you watched your dreams slip away?
Well every hero falls and every soldier crawls.
And every dreamer dreams again
Got to dream again

Go on and dream like New York
As high as the skylines
Aim for the stars above those city lights
Go on and dream like New York
Run on down Broadway
Catch the next train
Go make your way

Go on and dream like NY
As high as the skyline
Aim for the stars above those city lights
You got to dream like NY
Run on down Broadway
Catch the next train
Go make your way
Go make your way
Go make your way

&& When you have nothing left, i'll still love you...

Four people, four people i have in my life who i literally dont think i would be able to function without, my sister, my best friends and twinnie, the reasons i breathe and have hope, the people i can turn to though anything and no matter what is going on within my heart and head. This is blog is dedicated to you guys. 

Alice: My beautiful sister, i am so truly blessed to say that you are my best friend and that i have you in my life you are there for me though thick and thin, even when you don't have time for yourself you have time for me, your the kind of friendship i can be 100% around, i could literally walk around your house in my pj's dragging a duvet and you would not bat an eyelid because Katie would most likely be following behind....You would just laugh and say how much i fit in with your family. You are the person that has sat there when ive been at my lowest, when i tried to kill myself you were there, up the hospital till all hours even though you had college in the morning...Remember that night i was in a state and crying so much, and you held me tight till i fell asleep and only then let yourself sleep, even though you ended up going to college yet again on one hour of sleep. Your a brilliant photographer and you give me all these photoshoots where i actually look ok (i promise one day when im beautiful i will let you do a shoot and get some BEAUTIFUL photos) I literally could not live without you, your such a huge part of me it's unreal, i cannot even start to think about what i would do if i lost you. I would be a mess, i would die i know that for a fact. I love how there is not one thing you do not know about me, you literally know everything and still love me...and that, is one of the many reasons I love you! Alice thank you so much your incredible :) <3

Jenna: oh hell i miss you so bad it's actually unreal! how dare the world be so horrible and keep us apart so long? oh twinnie i miss you so much, i really really do. I don't think there is one day that goes by where i do not think of you and all of the wonderful memories we shared, I'll never forget how we used to sit up all night and talk about changing the world and healing people and we would want that so bad we would end up crying, in tears but at the same time so happy to have found someone to share our heads with... I miss how i never stopped laughing with you, how people would stare, i miss singing happiness in cologne station, we need to stop! wait no! we dont, it's too much fun i dont care what people think. Remember NYE 2010 and me being completely smashed and running out your house barefoot in the snow screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSHNI!!!!!Thank you, thank you for putting up with me for hours on end and not giving up on me where other people prob would have, it means so much, i think i met you, in the middle of one of the hardest periods of my life, and we still became twins....I just have so many memories i cannot write them all down...When we both tried to run into starbucks and feel though the door hitting our heads together, laughing SO loud on all the rides at movie park even the non funny ones, the train rides, your teacher loving me soooo much,my german,my singing wicked in german, your granny being like 'oh no' whenever we came in the room..HAIR DYE....I MISS YOU SO MUCH and i love you, get back in my life please twinnie, thanks. x

Emma: Smellypoobum! I guess that i love you...even though you are a bully and bully me and your horses. Oh and Hayley, and Jodie, and everyone, mean! ;p Why am i friends with you? Ha no seriously Emma you are incredible and i really am blessed to have you as my friend, i know we have not known eachother long in comparison to Alice and Jenna but is still love you just the same, you gave me my dream of having my loan horse i always wanted. You helped me to learn so much, you sat there no matter how frustrating i was. YOU NEVER GAVE UP ON ME..thank you for that, im getting so much more confident now so thank you. Your horses literally are so lucky to have you, as am i, and Hayley, and Jodie and Debbie and literally everyone else down at the yard, and actually everywhere! You are an incredible rider and i LOVE watching you with the horses, most of all Cariad, you look at one with her, something i dont think i will ever be ;P Thank you for making me laugh when i was feeling down, for acting stupid on trains in the middle of London, and to have your nan and Hannah sitting there like 'oh.my.god do i even know them' and just how whenever i am out with you its like a play date with a 5 year old, i can complete be my childish self, unfortunately for Hannah if she is with us because she ends up looking after us... ;P Our 'food storage' never failed to make me laugh...and i love your squeals when i bring you chocolate...oh but i dont like the whole thing where you put bright red lipstick on then chase me round boots trying to kiss me!! I love your way to comfort me so beautiful, me:' so yeah he said im a slut how the hell does that work?' you:' you are a slut your my slut...' and then when we decided we were gonna get married, i actually think Vicky's mum was about to crash the car haha! I love how we are 'special' and that there is noone like us, :P i love how we talk about stupid things like retards the entire time. I love you and your heart, thank you for being a part of my life. BUTTERBUM <3

and last but not least Courtney, for staying up with me the entire night last night, thats basically why you are on this blog because you dont realise how much that picked my mood up, ok the fact i have STILL not slept makes me feel like im dying but haha was totally worth it! Thank you for making me laugh! even if i did wake people up..that you for making me realise how important 'hettie' was pahahahahaha *creasing up again*  GAH i just love you, i cant believe that even though we were close, we never really got to sit and chat until last night. I dont reallly know what to say because i need to get to know you better but your already on this blog.. SCORE! heheh ;) I have not felt that understood in forever, that you for making me realise that its not just me men are complete arseholes with, it makes me feel so much better, so much you cannot even understand. Thank you for helping me rediscover my love for finding new music...actually thats the reason i'm writing this blog, so Alice,Jenna and Emma all have you to thank for this, so, i have one problem... WE DONT HAVE A PICTURE TOGETHER!!! we need one, soon asap please...i feel this blog is missing a sock without our photo on it!!!!

But all four of you i love you guys to death
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qomnSLpcpIs
Heres a little gift for you all
Hope you like it xxxxx 

We just go on......

Ok, so for those who havnt read my previous blog, about the wonderful chats with my beautiful friend Courtney you are not going to know what i'm talking about when i say we have been up the entire night (it's nearly 6am here in England!) talking letting out all our stress and worries and talking about everything and anything, and we got onto the subject of music, something that really for both of us is our lives, I very much rely on music when i'm having a bad day, and i know Courtney does too because she tells me enough when i tell her about my latest music obsession. Well we have literally just been sending back and forth music and ive sent her stuff and been like 'oh ive sent that to 'insert name here' and she if she knows them knows exactly why i sent it to them *ahem* Roshni... and with me sending her Dream like new york (and incredible song i will blog about asap! i need to get back to motivating you guys who are so loyal and read my blog everyday!) Ok wait i'm loosing track of myself again, again lol, i need to get back to this blog, and what i want to say this time, by the way i am sorry for the amount of blogs ive been doing recently i have just had even more to say than normal and with my big gob i can't keep most of it in! ok. im really going to write the real blog right now.  Well she just asked me if i had heard of a song called 'We just go on' by Pixie Lott...I hadn't so she basically sent me the link and told me to listen to it. and just oh my gosh you guys! This song sums me up perfectly right now, every thought and every feeling it was like it was coming out in this song, i love how she always end with 'we just go on' it made me think really deeply because after all we do that don't we? We don't have a choice but to go on with our lives regardless of what happens in them, you can't put life on hold, despite how much i have wanted to do that recently, you can turn back time, you just go on and thats the only thing to do, I just thought that i would share this song with you because i am so obsessed :)  Just go on guys because you'll be better for it, you'll become a better person a strong one....:) 

What happens when the water runs away?
What happens when the sunlight starts to fade?
What happens when I love you comes to late?
When things go wrong, we just go on
What happens when you got no more to give?
What happens when there's nothing left to live for?
What happens when the one you love is not the one you're with
When things go wrong, we just go on

No ones scared of flying, were just scared of crashing down
No ones scared of falling, were just scared to hit the ground
Even if your heart gets broke, you're stronger then you'll ever know
When things go wrong, we just go on

What happens when your best is not enough?

What happens when your soul mate is already in love?
How you meant to pick the pieces up
When things go wrong, we just go on

No ones scared of flying, were just scared of crashing down
No ones scared of falling, were just scared to hit the ground
Even if your heart gets broke, you're stronger then you'll ever know
When things go wrong we just go on
We don't need much, much of anything no
Just the hope of what tomorrow brings [x2]

What happens when your lucky numbers wrong?
What happens when you lose someone you've always counted on?
What happens when it feels like life's just stringing you along?
When things go wrong, we just go on
When things go wrong, we just go on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr_DyQxRWVc

Jar Of Hearts

So i wanted to write a blog about this song because i am right now completely obsessed with it, i first heard it a while ago, i actually think pretty much when it first come out but recently, well i have just been totally obsessed with it, i totally need to make a dance to it, although i've been a fat slob recently so i'm most likely not gonna be able to move hahaha. But i do know that i have now learnt how to play this beautiful song on guitar, all my own singer songwriting has gone out the window all for this one song, just so i could learn it and be able to play it's crazy. 
I really LOVE the lyrics  
'Who do think you are
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
Your gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me 
Who do you think you are. '
There is so much power in them it's unbelievable, she really is getting the message and p[oint of her song across a million times better than any screamo music that is played today but instead uses a beautiful melody. 
Anyway i think you should all check out her video and some of her other songs :)  Here's the link. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&ob=av3e

Breast cancer awarness

I am so sorry for the lack of blogs over the pasy couple of days i have had so much going on and i literally have not had time to sit down and just... 
So first off the main thing i wanted to write about. This sunday we held a charity fundraiser event at the stables i ride at (eastminster) for breast cancer and leukemia, It was a really hard day for me, because of course it was September 11th and i always get super emotion over anything to do that!!! I'd spent the whole day crying and writing music to express my feelings, but then i had to leave to go help set up a stall that i was going to be working on, haha. I was actually ok when i was there, all i wanted to do was raise money for the cancer charity's..that was really important, I know alot of people who hae lost their lives to cancer and everyone in my family (girls of course) have had cancer..soooo....it's a big thing. 
The actual event started at 3pm but as i was there so early i got to have a look around the other stalls before everything started getting busy! So it just so happened that in the stall next to the one i was working at, a guy was selling load and loads of books, and anyone who knows me, knows that i have an inner geekness for reading, spesh over the past few weeks, so i got over there and managed to get some pretty awesome books, some that were actually new and recently published for 50p, yay :)  I also spent sooo much money on the stalls i was working on whenever we didnt have anyone to serve (oh well at least the money went to charity!) i managed to win a riding DVD, a few bags of horse treats (no doubt will all go on Cadet, Spirit and Jay) and a new mane come which was perfect as mine recently broke! Ohhhh and also a really cute soft toy which at my age, should not excite me but it did hahah! 
Theres tradition at my yard every year that we do a fundraising event for charity and whilst that is is always held in the jumping paddock... (which looks much smaller when your  not on horseback let me tell you!), and a big part of that tradition is also a musical ride which is ridden by the yard owner and some of the senior members of the school (normally the best riders in that term!) I really like watching this, and the past two years i didnt get to see it, so it was a treat to get to see it this year. Most of the ride, well pretty much all of them anyway, were made up of my instructors or previous instructors, it was good to see them riding for a change and as it was too music it made it even more perfect, it's amazing what a horse and rider can do when they work together! It was a shame about the wind though as it meant the music could not be heard very well but apart from that they were amazing... 
I'm so proud of everyone who helped that day, i know that within three hours we had raised over £1000 so once the rest gets tallied up god knows how much we would have made, hopefully alot more, WELL DONE AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!
I've also been spending alot of my time writing music, yesterday i think i spent the entire day with my beautiful guitar writing, I've actually recorded a couple of songs now and am debating letting a few of my friends hear them :)  I really do love music, I love how it is the same in every country and how it brings countries together, i know that when i am in Germany next month, music brings it together, even if nothing else is understood :) 
So much love xxxx

Hush

'This our temporary home, its not where we belong, windows and rooms that I'm passing through, this is just a stop on the way to where were going, I'm not afraid because i know this is our temporary home....'

So i wanted to write a blog about this group i found a few weeks back  on you tube called Hush..I found them actually because i was looking for different cover versions of temporary home which is one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite artists Carrie Underwood, and i managed to stumble across this, and i thank god i did...because it's really beautiful!
The song is powerful i mean REALLY powerful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdMYVQx4Q1Y&list=FLwtxWBGnVln1MjjDfsNZPzA&index=2
and that is why i love it...It's a song that for me can bring comfort to anyone who is going though a hard patch or a hard time in life...It's helped me learn to cope with everything life throws at me, because in the end, everything is just temporary....
Now these girls, they sang this song with such conviction, conviction that i have only seen Carrie Underwood sing with before, the story is told though their eyes...
You could believe they really were that little boy getting shoved around to many different homes, that young girl who was a single mom and alone, that old man who is passing away...they are inspiring, amazing, and so incredibly talented...
I think you should definitely check out their music... :) 

Madilyn Bailey

I was randomly browsing you tube tonight and was having a listen to some random cover versions of different songs that were out there, and i came across the wonderful artist! Her name is Madilyn and she literally blew me away, not only does she do cover work but she is also a singer songwriter which makes her even more awesome! One song that i particularly like is In these halls, its about her graduation, the words were bittersweet and they made me cry...
Watching her face you can see she feels the meaning behind every song that she sings, you can also buy her music on you tube if you wanted to :) Here is the link for her you tube page, please go check it out because trust me it will be worth your while.. :) http://www.youtube.com/user/MadilynBailey

Emily Maguire - A gig in the 'garden'

So i just got back from what i think is one of the best performances i have ever been to!
A few months back i was going though an amazingly hard time in my life and was a little bit of a mess inside...i have this wonderful friend who was talking to her best friend and she that i should check out this singer songwriter called Emily Maguire. She gave me the name of her book and strongly urged me to read it, so i instantly went on line and ordered it...from the second it arrived and i read the back, not even the first page jsut the back i was pulled in, into a world where i no longer felt alone, where i no longer felt i was the only person going though what i'm going though..or more...maybe i was, but at the end of the day, there were people (like i always try to remind myself) that are worse off than me..and people like Emily who have literally been though hell on their knees and came though again on the other side. I feel stupid being able to write this because because i dont know her...but i just have to!
So when we first got to to open garden where the gig was being held we saw a notice saying that it would be held in the church next door as it had been raining on and off all day and no one was really sure how much it was going to rain again that evening..literally five seconds after we got outside the doors to wait it began raining, oh and it rained it REALLY REALLY did rain!. I was so tempted to just throw my shoes off (the flimsy bits i had on anyway) and dance and leap across the grass, but then, i realised i was going to be sitting down for hours with no means of getting changed or dry and had to suppress my inner(sometimes very but nonetheless) free spirit.
ANYWHO, the whole performance was opened by this wonderful man who had an epic voice, i felt sorry for him at some points and wanted to hug him, it was his first solo gig and you could tell how scared he was at times, although he was bloody brilliant,! i would pay just to come and see him alone! Some of the songs that he was singing nearly had me in tears it was beautiful.! Then after a small break the moment i had actually been waiting for for months and Emily walked onto stage, i think at first it didn't seem real, because this person is someone famous who i greatly admire and they are standing right in front of me. I must have sat there in awe the entire first half of the act,i do remember though sitting there, in the front row of all places, trying not to cry my eyes out when she sang her amazing song 'I'd rather be', that song has alot of significance for me. The words..well all her songs are, but the words to that song, you can reach them out to anybody, in any walk of life, no matter what they are going though and who they are and for me that is the most beautiful thing alive, to be able to do that with music..well... I also really remember the last song she sang in the first half and that was because it was one of the first songs of hers that i had ever heard and that was start over again...i think that maybe i got a tad too excited at that moment and nearly jumped out my seat which would have caused me some embarrassment haha. In the break i was asking around all the staff members if one of the could give my gift to Emily, and they were all saying no i cant right now shes having a break sorry, then the parent decided to literally hold me down so i couldnt go and work on my next step...Emily's husband...i was just so scared of doing it myself..and i knew he could not use the excuse, 'I'm sorry i'm not alloud backstage' phaha but anyway i was kept in my seat. As the second act began i was yet again so freaking excited even more so now, and when Emily announced that she was going to be singing new songs that she had never performed before i freaked even more i felt so so blessed....out of all the music in the world i get to hear hers first, to me that better than any A list band...it really really is.!!!! All i got from this second half was a dying...sstrong...longing for the songs to be in my hands in disk form...i actually cannot wait till i comes out on CD, that will be the best day of my life, officially ;) There were two songs that i remember the most, one was a song wrote for a girl hurt after a riding accident, and being obsessed with horses..i listened so intently...the lyrics moved me so much! it was beautiful..the next was the final song of the gig, a song called 'Stardust' i was so moved so so so moved, my mom was handing me tissue after tissue haha i literally cried the entire way though... OH MY GOSH! and then we got two extra songs at the end....and the crazy thing was the very last song she performed to i knew very well due to it being a part of greenpeace (i shouted Greenpeace when i heard that opps) and i also danced to it for Japan a few months ago, although at the time of that i dont think i was aware who sang it, all i knew was it was a really beautiful song! Gahhhhhh it was amazing,...
After the performance i was waiting in the queue to see her and ahhhhhhhh i literally cannot believe i got to come face to face with her :) she is so beautiful in person and just so friendly and down to earth with everyone...she signed all the albums that i had bought that day (no more you tube yayyy hahaha) and my book :) and at the end I even hugged her, which i can be funny about if i do not know someone...i felt very very safe in her company...after the first few seconds of talking to her face to face....it was ok......:) Garrrrrrrr :) So yeah, that evening pretty much made me believe for a while again...
I love her words, literally there is so much depth there, depth in which i can understand which makes it even more beautiful...
So Gwen, if you are reading this, thank you so much!!!! for recommending her music to me, because look at how happy i am tonight :) and as for beautiful Emily well.... NEVER FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE GIRL!!!!!!!!! :)

http://www.emilymaguire.com/index.html

Maddy's birthday!!! xxxxxxx

So yesterday evening, i went to a party for my beautiful friend Maddy's 17th, I was having a really shit day and was seriously thinking about not going and just staying home, the idea of being in a crowd of people made me feel ill..but i swallowed my pride and went, and i am so glad that i did because i had a wonderful time, and that was without drinking, I'm actually proud of myself for that..ok i couldn't stay for the entire party because that would have been too much for me...but since recently, being able to be out from 8-10:30 is a very very good step for me..!

I am so happy that i got to see my beautiful Charlotte again because i have not see her in so long now that it is actually crazy! (Only since april but for me that is a reallllyy long time).. Maddie had this door of her house where people were alloud to write notes for her birthday, and after half hour of so, Charlottle and I, along with this awesome guy called Nick who we had only met that night decided to go out and write stuff on this door for her, however Nick instead decided to write this crazy note making ridiculous suggestions about Charlotte and I, then promptly sticking it to the wall with this huge smile on his face... so I, in turn done exactly the same back to him, this must have gone on for a good hour or so, the paper gradually starting to cover the wall of Maddy's stairs hahahah :) But oh it was a good time...wonderful funny times, poor Maddy when she came and saw that...! :) although she found it funny. I must also say that all of Maddy's friends are totally awesome!!! I've not really met a group of people like that, where i have felt like i fitted in right away with everyone..By the time i was getting ready to go home it seemed that SO MANY people were drunk and i just could not stop laughing, music was playing, people were dancing and everyone was just going INSANE...i finally for half hour or so really really managed to let go and just dance, something that at a party i need to be drunk to do!! It really was an awesome night, i got to meet some great new people and catch up with old friends whom i havn't spoken to in a while..

Thank you so much for inviting me Maddy! Love you very much xxxxxx

save me from this road im on....

'Jesus take the wheel take it from my hands, cuz i can't do this on my own, i'm letting go so give me one more chance save me from this road i'm on, Jesus take the wheel.'
I've just been sitting here listening to the wonderful Carrie Underwood and all her music and albums, and Jesus take the wheel came on..it got me thinking...even if i don't really believe in Jesus and God, that sometimes maybe the thing we need to do is to just stand up and let fate and destiny lead us on the right path. The past week for me has been so hard, and i've been breaking down in tears alot and not being able to cope with my heart and my feelings. I'm learning that some things are really hard, but at the same time you learn more and more everyday who the people are that you simply need in your life to survive, ive been trying to kid myself that i dont need no one but i dont think that is true. Friendship to me is so important. Sometimes i do stupid things, and risk breaking that relationship, which to me, means more than any 'proper' relationship with a man would..even if it WAS Johnny Depp (i can dream..and pray...and really pray) ;) but..i think, when im down and sad...i forget that, and just do things without thinking about the other persons feelings and how that could affect them. I never ever mean to hurt someone and the thought that i do always makes me mad at myself, when its someone who means the world to you its even harder. I just sometimes don't imagine myself living without certain people in my life, and the fact that ive pushed them away out of my own doing hurts me so deeply.
I also learnt that alcohol is not a good mix with depressive moods and feelings, I've learnt the VERY hard way that it generally fucks everything up. Thats the reason ive been like this for the past week, what hurts the most is knowing that you cannot change what happens in the past even if you want it more than anything else in the world. I went to a party to other day and didnt drink, whereas normally i would not have thought twice, one event, has literally changed EVERYTHING for me. Listening to Jesus take the wheel, i think just helped me to remember that i cannot changed things that have happened, and the fact i do not know what the future will holds for me. I need to just keep holding on and trying...i believe that destiny and fate will save me....

Jazzfest deutschland 2011

So this previous weekend that has just gone, has been perhaps the most beautiful and the best of my life. When my twinnie said i would love jazz fest, i never really imagined i would love it as much as i really did. From the very second i got off the plane and stepped onto German soil i was complete, even more so when i saw my German family. I didn't really think my heart could be more full and so filled to bursting with love and happiness. Then i went to Jazzfest, oh my gosh, i've never been to a place where i felt i fitted in so well. Every single person there was an individual and everything there to buy was different, i didn't have enough pairs of eyes to look at everything...i kept getting told i looked like a pretty little fairy and ok, the pretty bit was maybe abit fucked...i think everyone had one too many to drink..! But the whole fairy thing made me smile so much :) i actually loved that. One of the best moments i think was sitting on the grass in the sunshine, drinking cocktails, smoking a cigarette with the people you love the most by your side. The wonderful moments, walking from stall to stall, barefoot, the freedom, the pure magic of being in the most beautiful place in the world. The music, oh my gosh the music, people playing on African style drums and just sitting crosslegged on the floor with a guitar singing...its everything i am,and everything i want to be for my entire life. I cant believe that its all over now for another year. Despite the fact i spent 200 euros in two days (opps) i had the best time of my life, and i could have quite easily stayed there forever, even with no facebook, Internet or phones....and i got some amazing, beautiful and very unique things for my friends. :)

peace x

Eurovision

I'm sitting her right now watching the eurovision and i could swear something is wrong with me, I've cried non stop since the second it started, the fact that it's based in my most favourite country Germany could be a big factor, the fact i miss that country and place with my entire heart. But the songs this year, already so many of them have been about world peace and love and hope and just everything that is so amazing, it really makes me wonder if maybe world peace will be one day achieved, after all, if so many countries are singing about it, surely they must want it badly. Music speaks the words of the soul.
I don't know why i'm so emotional, but i do know that it is shows like this that make me so proud to be British and from Europe, this event, is and always has been spectacular (although no-one does it better than deutschland!) I wish that the whole world could come together for a show like this, and then i wish that like this event, the world could all cheer for something together, the same thing...for people all over the world to be sitting in the same room, and not thinking about fights and wars that might happen between them.
Music is amazing it really is and this event, thats been going on for years, i hope will one day bring the world peace i so want, and the peace that so many others want aswell.
Anyway i'm off to actually pay more attention and watch the show
to be continued later :).....

My Guitar and I......

A few days ago, i finally realised that having my nails done, no MATTER how beautiful they looked, and regardless of them being the only thing pretty about me, is nothing compared to being able to hold a beautiful instrument in my arms and play my life away. With everything else i have ever played nails have never posed as a problem, because they simply did not get in the way for me, however, i went four years without playing my guitar...I got to this stage where my heart longed so much to hear it's melodies, that cutting my nails off seemed unimportant.

It was so odd at first and i couldn't do anything, after being used to having these extensions attached to my fingers, i pretty much didn't know what to do. So the first thing i done, was pick up my guitar. It shocked me, that i had let it get so out of tune, it was crazy! A simple strum sounded awful!! After tuning it up, i tried playing some basic chords, and what pissed me off the the max was the fact that i couldn't remember hardly anything.! Then when i did look up the chords i could not change between them well enough to save my life. This made me want to cry, and yes that is pretty silly, but still music is the brink of my life and soul, and i used to be able to play pretty well, so to go to what i am now is awful. I always thought that once you learnt something you never forgot it...? Well clearly in my case i can...i'm starting to pick it up again, but i'm just struggling so much, its so hard..i wish i had never stopped....I want to be at the stage again where i can write my own music, and express my heart though lyrics and song. Oh well, i'll keep on at it i guess, i've done it before, so there is no point in giving up this time and quitting is there? I actually don't know right now.

Missing a muse

I really don't know what has happened to me recently, i mean, normally writing is just something that comes so naturally to me, but now, everything is so different and i can never seem to find the words inside me soul to say what i really feel. It sucks. big time. When I cannnot dance or ride, I am left stuck in this world where i can do a big fat nothing to express myself apart from words, and when they fail me too...well...

It's not that I'm not thinking the same things as i always do, i am, and everyday i am STILL praying and hoping for Japan and for everyone there to be well and ok, but at the same time, i cannot find the words to write or speak, to bring comfort to those who need it. People tell me i am gifted with words, well if that is true then what the hell is going on with me right now!?!?

I hate it, I've lost my muse and with it my spirit, i know

thats stupid because it's only writing and words, but for me they have so much power,i don't know what to do without them. I need to get on with my college work, and even though that is all fact based and case study stuff, i just cannot find the motivation inside myself to start it.

I believe words and poetry have so much power that it's unreal, which is why i am sitting here getting so frustrated with myself, if anyone finds my muse ship them back to me ASAP? thanks :) x

Imagine & Let it be

Today i was again listening to music (as always) and yet again listened to the songs Imagine and Let it be.

It got me thinking of an idea. That maybe i should combine both the songs, into a lyrical based number. The songs, well, they have such a deep meaning for me, they mean so so much, and i wanted to share that with the world but really didn't know how. Which is how the idea came into my mind.

I love dance, more than almost anything in this entire universe, and more than just dance, i love to dance to a song that has meaning, and i love dancing freely, being able to express myself however i want to though the music and the lyrics.

So that's my plan for the next few weeks...

I LOVE to dance i really really do, and I'm proud to be a 'dreamer'. So what better way to show the world than combining them together?

A precious young soul ♥

I just watched a video of a young girl aged nine, performing a lyrical dance to 'Let it be'.

Such a small person, yet so much passion, so much hope, so many dreams for herself, and for this planet we live on.

I wanted to write this blog because that is the one little thing that made my day, It made me feel such a array of different emotions.

HAPPY

SAD

THOUGHTFUL

INSPIRED

HOPEFUL

TOUCHED

BLESSED

THANKFUL

I shed a few tears, by a few i mean alot. I have never before seen a girl THIS young be such a good model to other people, even those much older than her!

She is a great credit to this earth and to this planet and we should feel blessed to have her and people like her in it..

It gives me hope that there will be a future for the children that there will be a light amougst the darkness.

This one, young small soul has provesd that to me.

If only the whole world would think the same way as this young heart. The world really would be SO AMAZING.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but i am definatly not the only one

Blessed so so so blessed......

I want you to let it be

&& When the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on till tomorrow let it be...

If it was possible to play a song to much, then in the past few days i have certainly over played this song! To write a blog about it was something i have been debating, but i decided i should do it. What do i have to lose?
Sometimes, and now even more than ever, i have had trouble acccepting things., maybe it rained on a day i was going to be going outside, or i would hurt my leg and not be able to go to the stables or dance, when i wanted to do that more than anything at that particuar moment in time...or maybe i lost someone...death is such a complicated thing to understand when it happens to someone you love.
But the title of the song caputred my heart and i decided if anything would inspire me to change it would be this song...the constant repeat of 'let it be' echoed in my mind long after i had played the song...

'LET IT BE'

What could that mean?

Well to me it meant life..simply life.. Your destiny, as much as you can change it, can not be controlled, things happen, sometimes things that are not that good...but you really do have to let it be. At the end of the day, it is most likley that you have gained something from this experence. speaking words of wisdom. You really do learn from everything that happens in life, even the most insignificant of things.
Let it be is such a precious song, 'there will be an answer'...so i try not to give up hope...let it be and you will find an answer...
THERE WILL BE AN ANSWER LET IT BE..
I hold on to that and just live for the moment...tomorrow is another day...why worry about it now...
Trying.
Hoping.
Letting it be.