A modern day titanic

Ok, well yesterday i was out with my beautiful sister Alice in Romford on our way to my friend Hannah's house and my mom sent me a message saying that there had been an accident off the coast of Italy and a cruise ship was sinking. At first i couldn't believe it, literally couldn't, there was no part of my mind that could grasp the fact that exactly 100 years from the Titanic this other cruise ship was going down too. Instantly i wanted to burst into tears my heart was aching because i wanted to be there and be helping the people stuck on board that boat, i hate boats, with a passion for this exact reason....drowning is one of my worst fears along with burning to death, they are two extremes, but also two ways in which i would find the worst to die.  But i wanted to be there, i wanted to help..I don't know what my problem is, i think i must be stupid or something or just pathetic but whenever something like this happens..war, the 9/11, plane crashes, boat crashes etc...i could cry for hours, over something that is really, nothing to do with me. So this blog, I'm going to try and make it a good one to help people overcome the tragic thing that has happened. I really do pray that everyone that got out of that ship can find a piece of mind and strength to get over what has happened, and i also hope that the families whom are still waiting for news on their missing loved ones will hear the news they want to hear as soon as possible. I hope that those who are trapped, lost, missing or whatever, well i hope that they are found safe and that they can recover well enough to lead as much of a normal life as they can...and as for the ones that couldnt be saved...well i hope they found peace..i pray there was no suffering that it was simply a simple as falling asleep. 

When i got home from my friends house and yard (i have to go back again soon so im trying to get my blog updates written up!) my nanna showed me the picture in the newspaper and literally my heart jumped into my throat, and i just wanted to cry all over again I've never...in my lifetime seen anything like it. The headlines grab you and pull you in for all the wrong reasons, not for the good reasons that you would want to read '38 MISSING LAST NIGHT AND THREE DEAD AS CRUISE SHIP FLIPS ON SIDE' my gosh it really is awful. The pictures, are so full of emotion, the looks on peoples faces is enough to make any normal human being feel something within the heart a certain sadness that comes with fear and loss, even without being there. I just really wanted to write a blog about this as its affected me alot, i wanted to write and dedicated to everyone who has been hurt, maimed or killed by the events that happened.
For everyone whom is reading and has been affected by the sinking of Costa Concordia, i wish you peace, love, strength..i wish you happiness and i wish you hope. I believe that as a nation we will pull though something like this, it's the only time sadly that everyone works together 
'we must realise, that a change can only come, when we stand together as one'
That quote i totally love it and its so important to me, i believe that in the case of this sinking that is why there are so many survivors because so many people have banded together to try and help. 

All my love. Your all beautiful my wonderful readers. I wish you a beautiful day. Love you all.

Jungle of depression

In the deep depths of a lonely jungle,

Roots of my life.. pulling me at an alarming rate towards the ground

Down on my knees, I'm giving up this fight.

The more i try to stand, the further it is i sink

I look down and see the quicksand swimming around my feet

I feel a shiver of panic run down my spine...

I want to yell for help, but my voice....my voice, it's as if it's paralysed.

going down deeper wallowing in the depths of my own despair

I'm suffocating, barely breathing, my lungs crushing by the weight of my soul...

But still i close my eyes and called for you a little whisper at first...

I open my eyes look around and don't see you...waiting...praying

Then i take strength from every part of my soul and scream you name..

In the distance I see you, you stretching out your hand..

A lifeline

Hope...

My chance...

Our hands faintly touch a gentle brush of our fingers..before your firmly grasp my hand in yours

For a split second your touch makes my lungs feel with air, i can finally breathe again..

Then in one short sharp tug, your hand you pull away...

You watch me in my panic sinking...falling...until i disappear completely....

Sorry for the total shittyness of what i write.....

upon her skin...

Words etched upon her skin, like a tattoo upon a heart.
Screaming at her 'FAILURE' 'FAT' and 'UGLY','FUCKED UP LITTLE TART'
Telling her she has been fucked up from the beginning .
All alone and crying in her head she can't find her way.
Metal touches skins
blade cuts the pain away
In the flow of red that gathers, with more speed travelling down her arm.
She feels her eyelids drooping, finding peace in herself at last.
The troubles of the past few years, are now faint and insignificant
Her spirit floating above the burden of the body that she once inhabited
She's going now, she's going...To place far away.
I bet you now regret telling her you wanted her dead each day.

A short poem i wrote in awareness of self harm,depression and abuse...please pass on and get the word spread...this is not right and no one from any walk of life should have to deal with it.

Letting go

This is letting go....This is trying to move on from someone who means the world to me...It's trying to accept within the deepest parts of my heart where i have you locked away that you don't belong there anymore...I feel like i'm ripping out a part of my own heart by letting you go, but when everyday your presence is making me hurt more and more what am i really supposed to do?
I believe that love is forever, true love is forever, because trust me when i say that i will always be here for you whenever you need me to be, thats something i believe and something i know i will always stick with. This is not about 'un-loving' its about moving on from something that no good is coming out of..a relationship that is destructive (be it as lovers or just friendship)is not good for no-one and it's just best to move on from it.
Don't get me wrong i wish nothing but the best for you, exactly why i am doing this, not just for myself, but for you too, because in both ways it words i can do better than you and you can do better than me, because we are not for eachother and there are people out there who suit better, once you findd them, surround yourself with them instead. There is no way a persons soul can grow when your stuck fast in a relationship thats dragging you down.
This hurts me so please don't think i am going to walk away from this without no tears, because trust me there will be many, and i'm writing this not even knowing if im gonna be able to follow though with it, because i really cannot imagine my life without you, I'm hoping that by writing it down i will be able to see what is best for us both. I think that, this needs to happen, for the both of us...
So...goodbye, I wish you well and that your life is full of beautiful things and you meet people that are perfect for you and make you happy.
I love you, and that i always will do. This is letting go. x

East Africa Famine

So ok, i was about to write this blog first but then i got way to much involved into the whole Norway thing and i had to blog about that and calm myself down before i wrote the equally heartbreaking blog...Recently the situation in Africa has got dire, it's been all over the news the past few days and i have literally been dying to get on a plane, got out there and help them all in this huge fight that they are going to be facing. The east of Africa has not experienced a drought or famine as bad as this since in 60 years and it's just crazy that over 10 million people are going to be affected by something like this in the 21st century! Technically we cannot fix the weather, we cannot fix the fact that at this time of the year it can get unbearably hot, even if England let alone Africa, but we can fix the situations that the people are put in, they should not have to sit around in nothing, and have to run barefoot though dirt. They should not have to be starving and drinking dirty water that makes them ill, when most of them are already riddled with AID'S and various other illnesses anyway. 25% of Somalia has now been displaced...It again makes me angry and sad, because i think about the people who have more money than they can actually handle, and it does nothing but get wasted on crap or sit in a bank all day long, even the people who DON'T have that kind of money, have more than what these people do in Africa...well if a little of that was given to these people, then maybe they would have the money to build proper houses, have clean water, food and decent health care. It's not right that people should have to live like this, we are all human beings, living under one beautiful blue sky.

The are dying under the heat of the sun, with nothing there to provide water, or food, even all the animals have died, and that will take years to get back. There is a refugee camp in Kenya, but at the end of the day that is not enough and by the time people manage to get there it is normally too late too...It's time we took action on this...

http://www.redcross.org.uk/

7th July 2005

7/7/2005..the day that London was shaken with the horror of terror attacks by the same evil madman who planned the 9/11. Like the 9/11 i remember exactly where i was upon hearing the news of these attacks. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see if i could be fitted in for an urgent MRI scan. My ENT consultant was really worried and was getting his staff to run around seeing if they could fit me in. I remember the phone ringing and a conversation going on where it was clear that the patient was cancelling their appointment. After getting off the phone the receptionist spoke to another woman and said that there was a free MRI slot as a patient was stuck in traffic due to an incident in London...I didn't think anything of it, it was London, and there was ALWAYS things happening there and it went to the back of my mind especially when the slot was given to me, having claustrophobia the idea of being locked in a tube that long scared me to death.

After the scan was finished i was told to go into town and get something to drink whilst i was waiting for my results...so as per normal for me, i asked my mom if we could drive to a nearby Starbucks..When we got in the car and turned the radio on, was when where heard about everything that was going on in London, my heart was beating so fast i could barely breathe, it seemed to me like 9/11 was only a day ago, and now London had been targeted to. All i could register was the word 'bomb' and 'people dead'...even when i went back to get my results and were told i would need a operation asap i didn't really care, i was in a state of shock, pure shock. I couldn't understand, yet again, why people would commit such evil deeds.

When i later got home and saw everything unfolding before my eyes on TV I broke down even more so, people running, people screaming, people crying, people in pain, people dying, the emotions that kill me to see, the emotions that no human being should have to feel, that no living being should feel. After a while i began thinking about the families, what they must have been feeling 4 suicide bombers called 52 people that day, and ok, so maybe that was not as big as the thing that happened in America, but lives are lost, and people are still left behind grieving for something that no normal person would go out there and do.

Today family and friends of lost loved ones gathered in Hyde Park for a memorial, proof that the day that happened six years ago now lives on strongly in their minds, and it will do forever.

Things like this just shouldn't happen there is no need for it..

THIS is what i'm about, i'm about making the world see one person at time that world peace is needed, and if just one person reads this message, and changes their outlook, then it's worth it, if it makes just one person think about world peace and that we can do it together, then again it is worth it.

You may say i'm a dreamer but im not the only one, i hope some day that you will join us and the world WILL live as one.

One of the hardest things ever...

Right so this blog, i need to get alot out, i need to vent it down somewhere, a place where i can't actually harm myself or get in the way of others.
So I've lost two of the people that mean the most to me within the past month, and what hurts me more than anything, is that i know for a fact it was my own stupid fault.
I've vented about friend one, so now i need to do friend two before i literally jump of the highest bridge i can get to.
I'm sick of myself, i sick to death of everyone lying to me. I'm sick of people saying that people care when i said all along the bloody didn't, and now finally i have been proved right. Sometimes people come into your life, who change you SO much, and words just cannot put into words how much you value their presence in your life even if you are the best writer in the universe.!!!
This friend..or ex friend now, whatever, nothing is going to change the fact that she really did change my life and make me such a better person than what I was, she touched my heart and impacted greatly upon my life, and now, I've lost them from my life because i'm a fucking failure and can't even talk to people right. I will always say to people that i wish i could have a hug and that i wish they were there with me, because at the end of the day, there are thousands of people unfortunately for me, that are all over the world who i would like a hug from..and i say it to ALOT of people, and i just guess that this person thought i was relying on them too much. I'm not gonna bother fighting it out with them because i fully believe that you need to let things go, and that everything in life happens for a reason but...i wish it DIDN'T have to be this way, because this was a person whose presence i valued in my life VERY much. However from this i have learnt that i was right all along and that i cannot trust anyone, and i wish so much that people would finally understand that and not keep going on at me, at the end of the day i know myself better than anyone else, i do have to be with myself 24/7 so it's a given.
I know now that i can't believe people when they say they care, or maybe i can...i dont know..but instead im just a bad person that pushes everyone away...i'm trying to decide right now what one of them is the right option.
I hate that i let everything get blown out of context yet again, and now i would give anything to turn back time, and have life set a different plan from me...i'm trying not to cry over it because i had a huge cry yesterday, I'm trying not to let it drag me right down again to the point of suicide like my friend last month did (yes things hit me hard i got very very down) i was SLOWLY coming back up again, so i'm trying not to go back down again. I'll just sit here pretending i don't care to everyone, because that's the way i roll, and that makes it easier for me to cope with when i am with other people.
I can't believe that i thought if i stayed away from men i would be ok, i thought that if i kept clear from them i wouldn't get hurt by people i care about, when in fact, i get hurt a million times worse by people who are 'friends'. I actually don't know what to do anymore, i am loosing all the people that i love from my life and fast, it's getting to the point where i give up and just dont want to bother living anymore..
I want to use this blog now (even though no one really knows about it ) to say sorry to everyone i have ever hurt in my life, and that i think maybe i should not bother anyone now...it's best if i go though this life on my own with no one, because at the end of the day, this time its one of the people who i actually didnt rely on much at all that thinks i rely on them too much...
Urgh i hate life......

Depression

I want to tell you all a story,a story that yes may seem majorly undramatic, but i want to get the story across. I have suffered from depression in the past, and i wanted to write what it was like so the non-sufferers could maybe..,just maybe...see where i was coming from...as like the million of others who suffer from this horrible illness...
Imagine living in a world where it is constantly cloudy, do you know one of those days where you wake up and can't stand the look of the sky, it looks ugly, un-forgiving, empty and gray, like something that could suck life away....Well one of those cloudy days....Imagine that all the time...yeah it's not a nice image is it?
I don't know what exactly caused my depression to start..i have an idea..a few things that happened around the age of twelve, i lost someone very close to me and at the same time was not being treated right by someone whom i thought i could trust, and i think, well i know in my heart that i want it to stay just that way on this blog, the thought of it getting to personal scares me to death... It was hard, and i shrunk back into myself...my friends saw that i was getting down, they saw my heart sinking..and they saw that i was struggling..the more they tried to help me, the more i run in the opposite direction, to me, everything was just making this cloud bigger, it meant i had to run fast...away...
I know right now you are finding that hard to understand, i mean on one of those days where the sun is so bright in the sky that you cannot even look up without being blinded...how can THAT be horrible and cloudy, and i quite honestly cannot explain anymore...its hard..unless you have been there.
But i do know more than ever that depression is real and here in this world, it sickens me how little is known about it....I have a friend, who has a very serious and bad form of depression, and a few days ago, she tried to kill herself...when she was taken to the hospital...they treated her like fucking shit, just because her wounds were self inflicted...she's had way too much vodka, and her arms and legs were covered in cuts...many of them deep...they just did not care and left her sitting for hours...when she did get seen it was with no respect whatsoever....YES i know that maybe compared to other people she didn't seem 'important' but surely there must have been something pretty huge to be going on in her head to make her even get to that stage, it should be about helping people like this...no pushing them away and making them feel worse...
It's wrong, really wrong, if a lesbian were to walk in, and say she had fallen doing something and seriously hit her head...well it would be like the hospital saying...'I'm sorry you can just wait over there for hours because your a lesbian, and they treat her like the plague when the DO treat her..' but you know what? if they done that, it would be done for homophobia...how comes for mental issues everything is so different? Its fucking bullshit.!
I'm not saying its the fault of the staff really, what i AM saying is that they are not educated enough, my bests friends mom is trying to do a campaign to raise awareness in hospitals about mental health issues, saying that all A&E nurses should have some form of mental training. I am asking you all please to help as much as you can, i will keep you posted on here with any updates..
Depression is really not fun, and its not something that people just fake either...no one and i mean no one can fake being down for that long, and no one would permanently scar their body without reason...
Its about time awareness was raised about this situation

thank you for reading.

Horizons Performance Company

Ok so i was just looking at my blog and realised the last time i actually updated this thing was nearly a month ago, sooo therefore im gonna do it now..:)
The past month has actually been totally crazy, I've just this second finished college, (yesterday evening i got to perform in my last show) and the weeks building up to it have literally killed me, in a way, yes i admit that i am happy that its all over, but i know that, thats only because of everything that is going on in my personal life right now, and college really did stress me out like crazy. Then in another way, I'm actually totally gutted, i got home and cried for ages yesterday, some of the friends i made there, have become some of my best friends, i don't know exactly how im supposed to survive as of this fall with not seeing them everyday and most of them going off to uni, which is so far away and i will most likley not see any of them again. Also the fact i now really do have to grow up, i seriously need to think about my future and what exactly i am going to do with it..all i have done for the past three years, is danced, performed and singed my way though everything and now thats gone.
Words cannot even begin to describe the huge part of me thats sad, the bit that crushes the relief of leaving in one easy punch. What hurts more is knowing that im not gonna be able to dance like that again ever, its simply too expensive to carry on that amount of dance classes outside,,,
Moving on and goodbyes really do hurt like a bitch.
Horizons Performance Comapny, you have given me so much, and it pisses me off that i could not have given more in the final year, i hate my self for it.. I shall back upon my time here with pride and with a smile upon my face.
2008 -2011 'Keep on thinking that it's not goodbye, keep on thinking its a time to fly'

When people change.....

Oh i sometimes do not know why i am bothering anymore with you.

It's always about you and life always revolves around what you want. I am sick to death of everything being on YOUR terms, like really...

I really am fed up of only being your friend when you want me to, you keep me hanging the whole time, and then more often than not let me down anyway. Thats not ok, and you know what..? It's about time that you learnt that. But then it's also about time i learnt to tell you this to your face and not just write it on a blog, hoping that you might see it and realise it's you i'm taking about.

One day i will get the courage to tell you exactly what i am feeling, you make out to be this 'amazing friend' but only when you want something, when it comes to ANYTHING to do with me, then suddenly your 'too busy' or 'don't have the time right now' It hurts...i need to learn to say no to you, and i need for you to understand i am not just a go between, and somewhere to go if you have no one else,i have my REAL friends and i would much rather be spending my time with them to be perfectly honest.

Urgh, i cannot believe how out of order you are being. Friendship can be a right pain sometimes :/

I miss our friendship

I miss you, too much, wayyyyy to much, I'm sitting here tears pouring down my face, wishing you were next to me. I need you love and i need you hugs, I cannot believe i didnt realise before just how much i miss you, it actually hurts, more than any other pain i could describe.

I'm scared to tell you, because we never really talk anymore, i don't want you to think im obsessed, i guess it's just that we used to be SO INCREDIBLY close, and now, well now we are just not...I found a picture of us from a few years ago and it just brought back all of the good memories and good times that we had together.

You were always there for me, and we literally told each other everything, I don't know what changed, your you and i'm me, i guess that its this thing we call life, and nothing lasts forever no matter how much you want it to. I just wish we could be like we were, where we could call each other and text just to say i love you or check in. I took that friendship for granted, and now it's gone, well i miss it one hell of alot.

I don't wish to turn back time, because at the end of the day, i would be back here anyway, it happened for a reason, i just wish that, this was not what had to happen...

I miss you and our friendship.

All my love.