upon her skin...

Words etched upon her skin, like a tattoo upon a heart.
Screaming at her 'FAILURE' 'FAT' and 'UGLY','FUCKED UP LITTLE TART'
Telling her she has been fucked up from the beginning .
All alone and crying in her head she can't find her way.
Metal touches skins
blade cuts the pain away
In the flow of red that gathers, with more speed travelling down her arm.
She feels her eyelids drooping, finding peace in herself at last.
The troubles of the past few years, are now faint and insignificant
Her spirit floating above the burden of the body that she once inhabited
She's going now, she's going...To place far away.
I bet you now regret telling her you wanted her dead each day.

A short poem i wrote in awareness of self harm,depression and abuse...please pass on and get the word spread...this is not right and no one from any walk of life should have to deal with it.

7th July 2005

7/7/2005..the day that London was shaken with the horror of terror attacks by the same evil madman who planned the 9/11. Like the 9/11 i remember exactly where i was upon hearing the news of these attacks. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see if i could be fitted in for an urgent MRI scan. My ENT consultant was really worried and was getting his staff to run around seeing if they could fit me in. I remember the phone ringing and a conversation going on where it was clear that the patient was cancelling their appointment. After getting off the phone the receptionist spoke to another woman and said that there was a free MRI slot as a patient was stuck in traffic due to an incident in London...I didn't think anything of it, it was London, and there was ALWAYS things happening there and it went to the back of my mind especially when the slot was given to me, having claustrophobia the idea of being locked in a tube that long scared me to death.

After the scan was finished i was told to go into town and get something to drink whilst i was waiting for my results...so as per normal for me, i asked my mom if we could drive to a nearby Starbucks..When we got in the car and turned the radio on, was when where heard about everything that was going on in London, my heart was beating so fast i could barely breathe, it seemed to me like 9/11 was only a day ago, and now London had been targeted to. All i could register was the word 'bomb' and 'people dead'...even when i went back to get my results and were told i would need a operation asap i didn't really care, i was in a state of shock, pure shock. I couldn't understand, yet again, why people would commit such evil deeds.

When i later got home and saw everything unfolding before my eyes on TV I broke down even more so, people running, people screaming, people crying, people in pain, people dying, the emotions that kill me to see, the emotions that no human being should have to feel, that no living being should feel. After a while i began thinking about the families, what they must have been feeling 4 suicide bombers called 52 people that day, and ok, so maybe that was not as big as the thing that happened in America, but lives are lost, and people are still left behind grieving for something that no normal person would go out there and do.

Today family and friends of lost loved ones gathered in Hyde Park for a memorial, proof that the day that happened six years ago now lives on strongly in their minds, and it will do forever.

Things like this just shouldn't happen there is no need for it..

THIS is what i'm about, i'm about making the world see one person at time that world peace is needed, and if just one person reads this message, and changes their outlook, then it's worth it, if it makes just one person think about world peace and that we can do it together, then again it is worth it.

You may say i'm a dreamer but im not the only one, i hope some day that you will join us and the world WILL live as one.

Depression

I want to tell you all a story,a story that yes may seem majorly undramatic, but i want to get the story across. I have suffered from depression in the past, and i wanted to write what it was like so the non-sufferers could maybe..,just maybe...see where i was coming from...as like the million of others who suffer from this horrible illness...
Imagine living in a world where it is constantly cloudy, do you know one of those days where you wake up and can't stand the look of the sky, it looks ugly, un-forgiving, empty and gray, like something that could suck life away....Well one of those cloudy days....Imagine that all the time...yeah it's not a nice image is it?
I don't know what exactly caused my depression to start..i have an idea..a few things that happened around the age of twelve, i lost someone very close to me and at the same time was not being treated right by someone whom i thought i could trust, and i think, well i know in my heart that i want it to stay just that way on this blog, the thought of it getting to personal scares me to death... It was hard, and i shrunk back into myself...my friends saw that i was getting down, they saw my heart sinking..and they saw that i was struggling..the more they tried to help me, the more i run in the opposite direction, to me, everything was just making this cloud bigger, it meant i had to run fast...away...
I know right now you are finding that hard to understand, i mean on one of those days where the sun is so bright in the sky that you cannot even look up without being blinded...how can THAT be horrible and cloudy, and i quite honestly cannot explain anymore...its hard..unless you have been there.
But i do know more than ever that depression is real and here in this world, it sickens me how little is known about it....I have a friend, who has a very serious and bad form of depression, and a few days ago, she tried to kill herself...when she was taken to the hospital...they treated her like fucking shit, just because her wounds were self inflicted...she's had way too much vodka, and her arms and legs were covered in cuts...many of them deep...they just did not care and left her sitting for hours...when she did get seen it was with no respect whatsoever....YES i know that maybe compared to other people she didn't seem 'important' but surely there must have been something pretty huge to be going on in her head to make her even get to that stage, it should be about helping people like this...no pushing them away and making them feel worse...
It's wrong, really wrong, if a lesbian were to walk in, and say she had fallen doing something and seriously hit her head...well it would be like the hospital saying...'I'm sorry you can just wait over there for hours because your a lesbian, and they treat her like the plague when the DO treat her..' but you know what? if they done that, it would be done for homophobia...how comes for mental issues everything is so different? Its fucking bullshit.!
I'm not saying its the fault of the staff really, what i AM saying is that they are not educated enough, my bests friends mom is trying to do a campaign to raise awareness in hospitals about mental health issues, saying that all A&E nurses should have some form of mental training. I am asking you all please to help as much as you can, i will keep you posted on here with any updates..
Depression is really not fun, and its not something that people just fake either...no one and i mean no one can fake being down for that long, and no one would permanently scar their body without reason...
Its about time awareness was raised about this situation

thank you for reading.