A modern day titanic

Ok, well yesterday i was out with my beautiful sister Alice in Romford on our way to my friend Hannah's house and my mom sent me a message saying that there had been an accident off the coast of Italy and a cruise ship was sinking. At first i couldn't believe it, literally couldn't, there was no part of my mind that could grasp the fact that exactly 100 years from the Titanic this other cruise ship was going down too. Instantly i wanted to burst into tears my heart was aching because i wanted to be there and be helping the people stuck on board that boat, i hate boats, with a passion for this exact reason....drowning is one of my worst fears along with burning to death, they are two extremes, but also two ways in which i would find the worst to die.  But i wanted to be there, i wanted to help..I don't know what my problem is, i think i must be stupid or something or just pathetic but whenever something like this happens..war, the 9/11, plane crashes, boat crashes etc...i could cry for hours, over something that is really, nothing to do with me. So this blog, I'm going to try and make it a good one to help people overcome the tragic thing that has happened. I really do pray that everyone that got out of that ship can find a piece of mind and strength to get over what has happened, and i also hope that the families whom are still waiting for news on their missing loved ones will hear the news they want to hear as soon as possible. I hope that those who are trapped, lost, missing or whatever, well i hope that they are found safe and that they can recover well enough to lead as much of a normal life as they can...and as for the ones that couldnt be saved...well i hope they found peace..i pray there was no suffering that it was simply a simple as falling asleep. 

When i got home from my friends house and yard (i have to go back again soon so im trying to get my blog updates written up!) my nanna showed me the picture in the newspaper and literally my heart jumped into my throat, and i just wanted to cry all over again I've never...in my lifetime seen anything like it. The headlines grab you and pull you in for all the wrong reasons, not for the good reasons that you would want to read '38 MISSING LAST NIGHT AND THREE DEAD AS CRUISE SHIP FLIPS ON SIDE' my gosh it really is awful. The pictures, are so full of emotion, the looks on peoples faces is enough to make any normal human being feel something within the heart a certain sadness that comes with fear and loss, even without being there. I just really wanted to write a blog about this as its affected me alot, i wanted to write and dedicated to everyone who has been hurt, maimed or killed by the events that happened.
For everyone whom is reading and has been affected by the sinking of Costa Concordia, i wish you peace, love, strength..i wish you happiness and i wish you hope. I believe that as a nation we will pull though something like this, it's the only time sadly that everyone works together 
'we must realise, that a change can only come, when we stand together as one'
That quote i totally love it and its so important to me, i believe that in the case of this sinking that is why there are so many survivors because so many people have banded together to try and help. 

All my love. Your all beautiful my wonderful readers. I wish you a beautiful day. Love you all.

A letter home

A little something i wrote though the eyes of a soldier who lost their life in battle....

I was watching over you last night.
I saw that you were crying... that nothing seemed all right.
In your head i felt the hopelessness that was wighing down your soul
All the what if's and maybes, that we'll never get a chance to know.
I desperately wanted to hold you pull you tight in to my arms
Kiss you, tell you that i love you...even though we have to be apart.
Tell my dad that i don't regret it Following in his shoes.
this was my destiny i had nothing less to loose...
I see you you take a sharp breath in and hold it for a while
SILENCE then you break down again all you do is cry
I wish you were able to smile, and be happy for me, i died a hero fighting for my country the best thing that any one could be!
I've thrown away my gun, i'm leaving behind the war, the trouble and the crying, I'm finally free.
You will love it here and when it's your time i'll see you again
But for now i want you to live...remember death is not the end.
Smile, be happy and achieve you goals, never give up, you cannot know what the future holds.
As i leave i slightly brush you on the cheek, your lips begin to smile, and quietly you weep.
Thank you i can feel you, your love is all around.

In peace

just realised if you look at the isalnd where all the shootings took place in Norway, It's the shape of a heart (well not perfect but you know you can see it if you look the right way)..and it made me cry....To me that is a symbol that the dead are at peace and loved ones can (try) to move on..i just saw and thought i would share it on facebook...'death' does not mean the end of love...

- i just posted this on my facebook and thought that i should put it in a more publice place :)x

7th July 2005

7/7/2005..the day that London was shaken with the horror of terror attacks by the same evil madman who planned the 9/11. Like the 9/11 i remember exactly where i was upon hearing the news of these attacks. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see if i could be fitted in for an urgent MRI scan. My ENT consultant was really worried and was getting his staff to run around seeing if they could fit me in. I remember the phone ringing and a conversation going on where it was clear that the patient was cancelling their appointment. After getting off the phone the receptionist spoke to another woman and said that there was a free MRI slot as a patient was stuck in traffic due to an incident in London...I didn't think anything of it, it was London, and there was ALWAYS things happening there and it went to the back of my mind especially when the slot was given to me, having claustrophobia the idea of being locked in a tube that long scared me to death.

After the scan was finished i was told to go into town and get something to drink whilst i was waiting for my results...so as per normal for me, i asked my mom if we could drive to a nearby Starbucks..When we got in the car and turned the radio on, was when where heard about everything that was going on in London, my heart was beating so fast i could barely breathe, it seemed to me like 9/11 was only a day ago, and now London had been targeted to. All i could register was the word 'bomb' and 'people dead'...even when i went back to get my results and were told i would need a operation asap i didn't really care, i was in a state of shock, pure shock. I couldn't understand, yet again, why people would commit such evil deeds.

When i later got home and saw everything unfolding before my eyes on TV I broke down even more so, people running, people screaming, people crying, people in pain, people dying, the emotions that kill me to see, the emotions that no human being should have to feel, that no living being should feel. After a while i began thinking about the families, what they must have been feeling 4 suicide bombers called 52 people that day, and ok, so maybe that was not as big as the thing that happened in America, but lives are lost, and people are still left behind grieving for something that no normal person would go out there and do.

Today family and friends of lost loved ones gathered in Hyde Park for a memorial, proof that the day that happened six years ago now lives on strongly in their minds, and it will do forever.

Things like this just shouldn't happen there is no need for it..

THIS is what i'm about, i'm about making the world see one person at time that world peace is needed, and if just one person reads this message, and changes their outlook, then it's worth it, if it makes just one person think about world peace and that we can do it together, then again it is worth it.

You may say i'm a dreamer but im not the only one, i hope some day that you will join us and the world WILL live as one.

A crazy weekend.

This weekend has been totally crazy, so crazy in fact, that I have not had the time to sit down and to write about it. After the news i received Friday i was in too much of a crazy and depressed mood to want to actually do anything to start with. On Saturday, i got woken up by my mum and all i could think about was, i want to go back to bed, i hate this, i don't want to go out, nor do anything. But then i was reminded that i was going out with one of my best friends Alice and i got ready and left the house anyway, just because i always and forever have a good time when i with her, she understands me completely. We arranged to meet at 11, so I got there and went off first for a walk, i found some beautiful poppies, sitting in a field alone surrounded by daisies, i got some really wonderful pictures. :).. Then i realised i was late and pelted it back to our meeting place to find no Alice, after an hour or so i started to panic, so i decided to try and drive to her house considering i knew roughly where it was, but i didn't actually know where i was going for real. I eventually thought i found it, and to my luck there was a guy outside in the garage, i got my nan to go and speak to him and he said that indeed Alice did live here and that she was still in bed, at this point i literally cried with relief because i was panicking that something may have happened (Alice is about as accident prone as i so i would have had some reason to!) Then i burst into laughter, so after her step dad told me i could wait in the house for her, and after i calmed myself, i went in, only to have Alice five minutes later fly down the stairs full of sorries and omg i cant believe i done that i never do that...i just wanted to laugh...I love my best friends, i dont think they realise just how much they make me smile just by being themselves.
So when Alice was ready we left and caught the train to southend, we were both tired so she treated us both to an amazing cold costa coffee :) We certainly got hyper by the time we had finished them :)
Sitting on the train we managed to have one of the most beautiful and most amazing chats, possibly one of the best i have had with someone in quite a while. This girl has an amazing heart, and i loved how we spent the whole journey talking about really personal things, only that eachother could understand, and for once when people got on the train, i did not feel ashamed, and i didnt hush my voice to barely audible. She always helps me to understand that an illness is an illness...and getting better takes time and its not your fault, therefore you cannot be ashamed of it. I wish i could be like that with everyone i am with, not just when i am with Alice.
Once at southend we headed off to the beach to do a photo shoot, although, after seeing how far the tide was in decided against it and that we would come back at a later time, just across the road, there was this beautiful little rock pool garden, and we went over to take some pictures over there. After maybe ten photos though i asked if we could stop, more than ever i was having an ugly day, and i did not feel myself being in front of this camera like i was. So we walked up to the highstreet and used the boots makeup selection to redo everything! Ok so it didnt exactly do wonders, i still felt amazingly awful but i felt abit better, my face was covered. We then popped into a shop and bought hundreds of sweets and candies, after blowing the balloons up and emptying the sweets into a huge decorative bag we went down to the beach and handed out free gifts of sweets and balloons to the children. It was simply amazing to see how all their little faces lit up over something so small, and that in this day is insignificant to many teenager and older people. One little girl came over with her slightly older sisters and brother. They could not have been older than nine or ten, and after giving them all a balloon and asking their parents if they could have a sweet we watch them walk around constantly holding that balloon, the youngest..(maybe about two or three) hugged her balloon like a teddy bear and didn't let go. Her parents were getting them all to stand for a photo holding their balloons. i could not believe the happiness that we brought to the young children like that. Another family that i really remember was a family of a mother, grandmother and grandfather, and their two young girls, toddler boy and six week old baby. The two young girls came over to us and were sitting talking, it was so sweet, so sweet, when all we had given them was a balloon and sweet each. After about half hour or so, their grandmother came back with an ice cream for them and their mother kindly asked us if we would like anything to drink, although we declined, i still cannot get over how wonderful and how sweet her offer was! The two little girls sat with us and kept asking 'would you like a little bit of my ice cream?' i couldn't get over how much they had taken to us, just thanks to a little bit of latex on the end of a string and a sweet. When we decided to walk along the sea front and hand out balloons and sweets to more children. The girls said, 'oh no, we will miss you' and that set it in concrete, exactly how much random acts of kindness can make a persons day! As well as doing a 'make humans happy' mission we also set about make the dogs happy mission, and bought a bag of dog treats, every dog we saw, we would ask their owners if they could have a treat. To see how happy the dogs were made me just so happy. After all the craziness that was our life, we decided to go grab a drink, and for me...A TOFFEE APPLE!!! my secret addiction, i bloody love them! Sitting on the pier i decided that i really couldn't be bothered to have an photos taken of me, i was tired and felt depressed. So we decided to head home then go watch a movie instead.
On the train home, after picking up yet another coffee, we decided that we could blow up the rest of the balloons on the train and put a left over sweet in each, by the time we got home the whole carriage was full of them! I'll never forget the guys sitting next to us, who were like... 'Um guys...have you escaped from somewhere?' and when i told him i was 19 and Alice 18, he looked even more freaked out by the whole thing! This is possibly one of the best memories of my life, this whole day, I love how with Alice i can be completely mental, and how every one of my other friends would have walked if we done that, oh and we also left a balloon in the pub bathrooms where we went before we got the bus :)
Despite being so tired i literally could not even walk, i had trouble sleeping that night and kept waking up, and 2am i went down to get a drink and my little hamster peace was running crazy round her cage like normal, then sitting looking at me when i went to the fridge hoping i would give her something to eat. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep so at 5am i came down and went to make a coffee, as i walked out i saw my hamster out of the corner of my eye gnawing on her cage like she normally does. When i got closer i realised she in fact was dead, i freaked out, Boo and peace was too much for me to handle, and burst into my moms room shouting peace is dead peace is dead, i didn't really know what to do. I named her Peace for a reason, to me she represented peace, and it broke me to see her dead, it was like the last chance of world peace ever being achieved had left.
I've had such a crazy weekend...i really don't know what to make of it, so many good, yet at the same time so many bad things have happened. Wow.

Evil.....

My emotions are all over the place, completely mixed. I'm happy, yet sad, angered and relived.
Bin Larden in dead, and all i can say to that is good, he was one of the souls on this earth that was PURE EVIL. I am happy because he finally got caught, all his victims can be at peace and families affected can have a piece of mind. Sad...the second i heard is name this morning, i thought back to 2001 and cried and cried..the pain on people's faces, still rings constantly in my head. I'm angered, because i keep thinking maybe he should not have been killed...he's free...how can he deserve that after all the pain and suffering he has put people though? I just saw a man on the news who worked with new york fire department, and he said tearfully that 9/11 is with him every day and with everything he does. SO WHY THE FUCK, should innocent people like this get left with all these awful memories...the torture will never end, whilst he gets to sit up in the clouds laughing on at everyone he has hurt. Forgive me for saying this and i cannot believe this is coming out of me, but he should be captured and tortured, every day for the rest of his god damned life, i wanted him to feel every little bit of pain that he caused other people. I want him to cry, real tears, i want him to wake up wishing his life would just end because its better than being alive...I know thats awful, i know it, and everyone who knows me also knows i NEVER think like that, this case, is just exceptional. I am relived, or more i was to start with, because a tiny part of my heart thought, maybe this is over, maybe the world can start to go back to normal, but then no, that will never happen, because there are so many greedy and selfish bastards in this world...Jimi Hendrix once said...
'When the power of love overcomes the love for power, then the world will know peace'
He was right, its all about power right now, and with that 'demon' gone, there will just be more, and more and more...there are idiots that worshiped that man, who will continue on his work, in memory of him..what a fucking joke. Why can you just leave it alone now.?!?!?
Ok, I'm actually fuming, i could most likely go on forever ranting and ranting. The news broadcaster showed a video tape on 'it', and he was saying that he is 'not afraid to die for what he believes' well....THEN WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU GETTING OTHER PEOPLE TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK YOU FUCKING PRICK!!?!?!?! thats cowardly, and stupid.
I just hope that all the souls free up there that he has killed, will destroy his soul, he does not deserve an afterlife...he does not deserve anything but shit.
I still shed tears daily when i think about the 9/11, i know i'm not American, i know that, but that whole thing affected me big time, before that, i was innocent, i didnt know there was such evil in this world, after 9/11 i refused to get on a plane for eight years, and even after that, i spent the entire time crying my eyes out, i still get scared, i cant see a bag in the street without thinking it 'could' be a bomb, airports are crazy, as are train stations, the security is stupid....all because of this man...there is no trust anymore, and with reason.
'I was born to late, into a world that doesn't care' although to be honest i dont think it ever fucking did. I sometimes wish i was never born, just because i am so ashamed of what this world is coming to....
John Lennon had the right fucking idea and when people realise that we will be much better off.
to be continued...(trust me)

Where where you?

I am sitting her right now, thinking about a dance that i have recently done for 9/11, both the victims and their families, and it shocked me to realise that i remember exactly where i was when it happened. I was on my way home from school in the car, and we were just pulling into my road that i live in, There came a newsflash over the radio saying that a plane a had hit the twin towers in New york city, i was young, and i didn't really understand this, I'd always been on planes from since when i was a tiny baby, and i knew the pilots would not just fly in to a building like that, but then, at the same time, in the innocence that comes with childhood, i didn't think that there were such people on this earth who would WANT to do that, why would someone want to kill a whole plane of human beings, and thousands inside the towers, why would someone want to cause SO MUCH pain and anguish to the world. When i was later sitting on my sofa eating my dinner, watching news coverage of the tragedy, it came though that a second plane had gone into the other twin tower. Then came the news that it was a terrorist attack, i shall never forget how hard it seemed for my mother to try and describe this to me, never, how do you explain something so awful to such a young and innocent person.

So many stories have touched me from that day, for example, the people on the plane that crashed into the field, the people on that plane fought with the terrorists, they knew they were going to die, but they managed to get the plane to crash into a field, sparing the lives of hundreds. They gave themselves so selflessly. The story of the 'falling man' imagine knowing your going to die, and then having to decide if you want to perish in this building or jump, such thoughts should not have to ever be thought about, no one should be in the situation to have to do that. The story of the couple in the north tower, they jumped out the trade centre holding hands, thats love, true love and it brought tears into my eyes.

I don't know why, but the 9/11 affects me alot, still, i know i'm not American and nor did i know a person that died, but it breaks my heart just to see these things happening. America, for me, is such an amazing place, i've never seen a country bound together like that before, everywhere you look, people hold their flag, people with tears pouring down their face, hearts breaking, but still clasping in their free hand a small but still powerful american flag. Flags everywhere, never forgetting their pride, instead of letting it separate them, it brought them together, i admire them for that.

I think about it alot, and also cry about it alot still, LOVE is the answer and i wish people could just see that and accept it, we would be much better off if people did. When the rubble was cleared away from ground zero one small part was left a part of the structure in the shape of a cross, i dont know what i believe when it comes to religion and i dont know if god exists, but i think that was his way of saying the dead were at peace, and free...

So many people lost their lives that day, and so many people equally had their lives ruined, people lost parents, siblings, spouses, sons and daughters...almost everyone. The planes that were taken had children in them, people who were just starting out in life, only the have it snatched away from them. It's just not fair.

I wish the world would just get on and live together, there is no need for killing people.

'An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind' as Ghandi once said.

America you inspire me, such a strong country full of such heart and hope.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL...

Love never dies..???

I was on tumblr today, and i saw a quote on my friends page saying

'It's better to have loved than not to have loved at all', it was a post she'd wrote in memory of her friend that passed away,..

I was sitting there thinking about it, and think that maybe, that quote is actually wrong, i mean in this case at least.

It's talking about love in a past tense, as if there is no love there anymore, which i think is kinda dumb, just because someone passed away does not mean love instantly has to be snatched from both sides.

I think love is one of those precious things that is always there. I mean, the real true love. Once you love someone, i don't think you can 'unlove' them, yes, if they do something bad enough, you could end up hating (strong word) them. But i really do not that the love goes away. How can you love someone, and then just not.

REAL LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

That means no matter what that person does, and even if you can never bring yourself to look or talk to them again, there must still be a little part of you that loves that particular person.

I think that if you can unlove someone, then you never really loved them at all.

Take me for example, i had one 'friend' that treated me like crap, one of my best friends, and i don't talk to her now, but i loved her, and i know as much as i don't want to admit it, i still do, simply because she was such a big part of my life.

Love is just so beautiful i don't think it could ever go away completely..

I wish that where there is war, there could be love instead, the world would be perfect...i mean as perfect as perfect could be.

Love love love

Love is all you need

my daddy up above..

Daddy i don't understand, i am only three, mummy said you went away to join in the army. She said you was a brave man, and that she was so proud, she said you always made a difference and stood out from the crowd.

She said there were some bad men and they had been very bad, made alot of people fight and made them very sad, that daddy was a soldier, and he stood for peace and love, that he had gone to make these bad men, be friends again and hug.

But then one day mummy was crying i asked her what was wrong, she said ' baby daddy is not coming home now' I wondered what i had done wrong.

She said you'd gone to live with the angels, way high up in the sky above, and that i was not to worry you were surrounded with so much love.

I asked mummy if one day, if i could come visit you with the angels and play, but she said that daddy, you were to far away, and i couldn't get there to play not even by a plane.

I cried a little for you but wiped the tears from my eyes, i needed to be strong for mummy, a night i heard her cries.

We miss you daddy, like alot, really alot! I wish you would come home now, i don't like the word 'gone'. Mummy said it was ok, if i wanted to cry, she said that it was normal, but i don't like to cry.

If you could come home now, then we can run and play, mummy would be happy and me too in every way!

But for now i say a prayer for you before i close my eyes.. pray that you are ok, and happy in the sky..

until the day i see you again, i miss you daddy just so much..

I really really love you..my daddy up above...

Ok, so this is pretty crap, but i wrote it just now, i was watch a tv thing about war, and there was this little girl, who was three years old, she lost her dad in the war.just for a second i tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine what it would be like to have and lose someone you love in the army, and i wrote this..

I don't know, i guess that i'm trying to get across the point of what the war and fighting can do to everyone, it really does affect the entire world

give peace and chance

this should not have to happen as often as it does

war is over...but like john lennon said, only if you want it..

PS: The intention of this is to move you, that, is the only way sometimes to get a message across..but you know what...

if this did move you then i want to thank you, you have a heart and a soul, there is hope for this world.

...........

I just found out my godfather died Wednesday..
It got me thinking..about life, about the fragility for it, how easily it can be given, but yet, how easily it can be taken away.
It's ironic that things happen when you least expect it, and to the people you least expect it to, but then i guess that's life, and it's complexity.
I think theres no such thing as, 'it was not meant to happen though', life happens for a reason, things happen for a reason..EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
If there is a train or plane crash, and you were meant to be on it, then believe that you did not get on that plane or whatever for a reason. However it should make you realise how precious your life is, you should make something of it, make something of what you've been given.
It's just a thought...