A letter home

A little something i wrote though the eyes of a soldier who lost their life in battle....

I was watching over you last night.
I saw that you were crying... that nothing seemed all right.
In your head i felt the hopelessness that was wighing down your soul
All the what if's and maybes, that we'll never get a chance to know.
I desperately wanted to hold you pull you tight in to my arms
Kiss you, tell you that i love you...even though we have to be apart.
Tell my dad that i don't regret it Following in his shoes.
this was my destiny i had nothing less to loose...
I see you you take a sharp breath in and hold it for a while
SILENCE then you break down again all you do is cry
I wish you were able to smile, and be happy for me, i died a hero fighting for my country the best thing that any one could be!
I've thrown away my gun, i'm leaving behind the war, the trouble and the crying, I'm finally free.
You will love it here and when it's your time i'll see you again
But for now i want you to live...remember death is not the end.
Smile, be happy and achieve you goals, never give up, you cannot know what the future holds.
As i leave i slightly brush you on the cheek, your lips begin to smile, and quietly you weep.
Thank you i can feel you, your love is all around.

Run away or take a risk?

What do you do when you love someone but are to afraid to tell them?
When there is every chance of something actually happening between you both,you flirt and banter all the time when together... but then at the same time you feel scared because you dont want to loose that friendship? When its someone who is like a brother to you...and you have looked upon them as that way for such a long time...then is it wrong..? is it like dating a member of your family? I don't know.
I want to spend a day with you and sit alone together under the beautiful sun and speak the words my heart so desperately wants to say. When i first met you i didnt look upon you as anything other than a friend or even at that time only as a 'potential' friend. But then i got to know you, and found out what a beautiful person you were inside and out. I confided in you and told you my deepest secrets, you took them with compassion and love unlike anything i have ever seen come from a straight guy before. You broke down the wall around my heart and help me to love again, even if sometimes it had to hurt in the end, you were always there to help comfort me, heal me and help pick me back up again. Your love cured me in ways that i never even thought possible, and i keep wondering all the time if we were together then would i be able to make an even better person of myself?
I adore you, in fact i actually love you with ALL my heart,to have you would be a dream come ture in so many ways just..im so scared to even tell you that, because i dont want to have to deal with the consequences if you do not fell the same way, Im scared i'll fuck it all up like i normally do...
I'm standing now on the edge and i need to decide if i want to run away and be safe or jump and take a risk...and it's the hardest decision ever.

Thinking....

Ok so i figured out, that i really do have some wonderful friendships in my life. and i mean ok, some people really don't give a fuck, and they never will, and as if i will ever be able to do anything about that and change it.. It's not gonna happen.

But those very rare people who i CAN call my real friends, are they, or are they not, the best thing that could ever possibly happen to my life. ?

And you know what i also figured out..?

It's the friends who i don't constantly talk to, and the ones in which i sometimes hardly ever see, that are the most loyal and trustworthy, and there for me when i need them...

It's not the ones that go 'oh your my best friend' even though it's clearly not true...

It's not the ones thats completely ignore me until they want to find something out or get something off me...

It's the ones who remind me, every now and then that they will always be there for me.

It's the ones who sometimes just have to give me a hug or say 'i love you' for me to feel better..

It's the ones that say, i will do everything i can to help and understand you..and not the ones that say 'i totally understand' when they don't.

Sometimes it's the people you have never met in person...but when you do meet, you realise your like twins...so amazingly alike..but so beautifully different at the same time...

I don't want to lose those people, the day they go I'm gone too...but i really should start getting rid of those unhelpful idiots who pull me down the entire time..

Oh well...I'm grateful for who i have, and thats all that matters.. :)

There is always hope

I have a poster next to my bed. My friend sent it to me for Christmas..

It's a photo of a girl holding a heart balloon...and behind her lie the words

'THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE'

It gives me hope..always...theres always a little part of me, no matter how bad life gets, that holds on to meaning and significance of the words on this poster...

It gives me a little room to breathe when i feel like i'm being crushed under all the stuff thats going on in my life...HOPE....I love that word don't you? There's so much beauty inside a word which PROVES beyond a doubt, that no matter what, things will be ok...and you know what..i think...they really will..because i do have hope...

I'm not that stupid and i know, i know that everything will not happen overnight..one step at a time is all it really is if you think about it. Don't be a quitter..quitters get nowhere, and please don't be afraid of failure..you only fail when you don't try...and remember whenever you think it's hopeless to even bother trying...

THAT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE...

There really is a point in everything, no matter how insignificant...

I once read a story about a young girl who committed suicide..her note read..

'I'm going to jump off the bridge..i can't this anymore, but, if just one person smiles at me as i'm walking there, then i will turn around and come home, get help and live again...'

She ended up jumping...ok so i know thats not a good thing to put here...but...think about it...she only wanted a smile...JUST ONE SMILE...so smile at a stranger...yes it may seem insignificant but look at the difference it made...she gave up on hope...and one person just ONE person could have made that change...to think she even got to the stage where she felt there was no hope breaks my heart

HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE

Have it for yourself and in return others will have it too....If you see someone falling apart and crying don't walk past, ask them if there is anyway you can help...

Tell them to listen to their heart..and hope is whispering...keep trying...