Another lion king blog

Here i go again,going off on one of my lion king rampages...for anyone who hates lion king..I'm sorry i advise you not to read. I actually havnt spoken about my obsession this year...i dont think. So now is a perfect time to write again.
Well today i wanted to write about the dance i done with the YA in the fall and yes i have spoken about this dance many a time before but i just felt i wanted to write more about it...about the guy i learnt the dance from and the whole experience that time.

Everytime i dance the Lion king with the young Americans i feel something different, i change a little inside...another piece of my heart is opened up...my head is clearer...but oh my gosh...the last workshops i took, i flew to Germany, i literally have never seen a more amazing cast, or more, i have never trusted a group of people enough to let them in like i did with them...I mean even the company director oh my gosh (Tina) I loved her to hell and back, and it broke my heart inside when i had to say goodbye, just as it does with the YA. People always seem to overlook the director, well both Tina and I had our last workshop in Gotha which is a beautiful town that  fell in love with, and the kids were incredible...and there is this medley dedicated to the world, to working together to create something beautiful....and I was watching Tina the entire time, and in the end i was like 'screw it!!!!' and asked for her to come sing with us all, it was literally the best feeling ever, the best. NEVER BE AFRAID..even if you hands are shaking...and your faith is broken,...even as the eyes are closing, do it with a heart wide open. Don't be afraid. It's ok.
But Tina was beautiful, she touched my heart and..wow...she was like the perfect director for such a perfect cast...
Where i do so much performing arts stuff, I'm used to working with lots of different people and moving on and never really seeing them again and i deal with that pretty well.  I mean my heart will break at the time but i get over it pretty quickly...well...i still miss this cast..more than ever i still miss this cast with every fibre of my being, whenever I'm having a shit day (often recently), i always try to look back..at what that cast taught me.
I'm gonna try SO hard to take all of it into the workshop i am taking next month..although physically i am so ill right now, i don't even know if i will cope with workshop...but if i am ok..if i manage to not faint, or end up crying I'm in so much pain with my stomach haha..then i will try and give it all i have.
This cast...( I love how i go off subject all the time because i have so much to say) I couldn't ask to have met better people...in the worst of situations i cope so much better..When Topper died in december, i cuddled into my little irish man at the stables and gave him a hug (that horse is my life)...instead of being stupid over something that was indeed just a part of the circle of life...My butterfly tattoo, instead of self harming all the time...i consider all that cast to be a part of that butterfly...they all mean that much to me.
OK..I'm gonna actually do the blog i came to do....first of all i would like to dedicate this to a girl who helped me a lot and her little baby Maisie...for the meaning of lion king..I hope this brings you strength. love you.
So I danced this dance with Rob this time (and with this amazing other boy who i think was called tom..i'm 20 in a week or so my brain cells are dying i can't remember!!!) and it was perfect because i knew the dance from previous stick dances, so i really got to focus on the meaning behind the dance and song even more than ever. I remember Rob saying to me something along these lines.

'The best of the sticks like you already said is the heartbeat, now we start that heartbeat, thats why your centre sticks, that why i picked you i think you are the strongest in the workshop. We are going to go out there and dance from within us...' Well...even in rehearsal i cried every single time, and the best bit, i felt different every time..thats what i love about dance, most of all lyrical, it has so much power and so much soul.  The first time i learnt the dance (this is to shadowlands btw) Emma taught me that it was a story....going through something hard in your life and getting to your lowest of lowest and coming back up again...(and yet again i'm crying my eyes out this always happens!) Everytime i try to reflect that within my movement...and when i'm up on that stage in front of people i just want to give the message, and the fall cast taught me not to give a TOSS what people thought, or how much of a bad dancer i am just to dance..The best moment came when Nartan took my hand and said i danced the entire Lion King medley with such passion and such heart, like oh my gosh that just meant a lot..the trying not to cry thing was a struggle then too..When he said he could see the whole story i was telling from within my eyes...that meant more to me than anything else ever...

I just want to explain the heartbeat thing and this Maisie is where it becomes a message for you and you mum. When i was in workshop, i learnt the heartbeat was what kept all us all together, the heart beat made us one.. and one i keep with me, is that no matter where i go i will still have my heart beating along with all the people i was blessed to dance that dance with. Even the kids who i didn't take workshop with, from that dance i was taught, we are all connected in a circle of life...even when our time on earth is over, as long as a heartbeat, somewhere remains, that person/loved one never dies..NEVER...Their heart beats though YOUR heart.
'They live in you, They live in my, their watching over, everything we see, in every creature, in every star..in your reflection they live in you.'
The circle of life is the most beautiful concept ever...it gives me hope i will see my grandad again, the man who was my father to me. It gives me hope i will see my friends i've lost again and all the little animals, as insignificant as they may be to others, anything that meant a lot to me..it gives me hope i will see them again.
To me..i now believe that nothing is ever final  and that no matter if someone in body is gone, it does not mean they have to be gone. I mean my grandad is here more than ever, and theres this beautiful YA called Gweedo who passed away in 2006, he is still very much alive..because the people who loved him keep him alive and pass his story on.
From this blog i wanted to show how much this dance means, again...i mean, i learnt to accept death though the young americans...i learnt to let go, i learnt goodbyes are sometimes the only way to go, i learnt we are all one. i learnt we are connected, i learnt the real meaning behind lion king and the circle of life ( i will like cry every time i see lion king...i went to see it in London a month or so back, i was crying pretty much the entire way though...WOW...so much power...
LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE They need each other. and remember what i said just because someone is not here in body does not mean they are no longer alive anymore. As long as they live on within your heart...they are alive too...
Please take this blog and understand what i am saying...I actually love you all just for reading this, just for taking time to read this...
I wish you 525,600 minutes of everything you could ever want..  xxxx
PS: added is the video of the stick dance i was talking about and for those who know what I'm like watch me...just watch me..im actually at the front this time, and I'm jot trying to hide...im not running away and oh my gosh the passion i am putting into it, i was gobsmacked when i watched it back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0lFkn7S8GE&lc=5kSuQO6l26P7xFiUU2HkJAPNIMH2fvnIFwbgp-jiggo&feature=inbox

PPS: Please PLEASE check out the YA website and see what they can offer, they really do change lives so much, as you can read here...and that dance bear in mind that was one part of the show which they taught to hundreds of kids who spoke german in two days...im just crying again thinking about it..if you know ANYWHO who will benefit from the incredible opportunity then please get in touch....(with them not me that would be pointless and i never check my mail. www.youngamericans.org i am sure thats right, if not google and it will pop up right away  :)

Love is love

Love is love, regardless of race, religion, size, looks, age (within legal restrictions of course) and the main one this blog is aimed at. sex.
There seems to be alot of people in today's world thinking that the only way a relationship is ok between two consenting people is if one partner is female and the other male. Well i'm sorry but this is just utter bullshit and i can tell you now there is going to be alot of language in this so if you dont like it, i'm sorry, don't read it.  So basically this morning i got a message from a good friend of mine on twitter, and no, i dont know him in person but i dont think i need to, i'm there for people regardless of if i know them or not. He's gay, and was kicked out of a club (i'm guessing the other night,)' for kissing his boyfriend...he was in tears..apparently this is not alloud in public...although, walk into any other bar and it's perfectly fine for a girl and guy to practically fuck eachother on the middle of the dance floor. 
I'm just so angry i was doing a whole fb rant, spesh after seeing that the whole gay marriage issue is trending on fb it inspired me to write.Well halfway through a fb rant i realised i would not have room so thats why i came on here. I'm still going to say roughly the same thing...but just more in depth..really from the heart. 
Well like the title reads love is love, and another thing i can tell you without a doubt it is love is all you need, im not putting the idea forward i'm stating it as a fact. Love brings everything good, hate is what does the opposite. So why is it..in a world where we a meant to be fighting so hard for love and peace do people push love away just because its between two people of the same sex. Seriously?. Some people need to learn to be strong and stand up for what is right, What is the worst that can happen if two gay people get together and then maybe even get married? will the world end? no. will you die? no. will pigs fly? maybe, but that would be science.  Just because i am not a lesbian (very tempted to trust me)but just because i'm not...does not mean that i will not stand up for my gay friends and in fact anyone who is being picked on for something that makes them who they are. This is where people need to start learning, because they cant seem to see that people just crave for others to accept them. Trust me there are many guys i wish were not gay, because then i could marry them...they all have incredible hearts, but at the same time, i would not change them for the world, they are beautiful and incredible and i love every single one of them. Some people seem to think that just because they are straight means that they are not aloud to stand up for gay rights...this is wrong and please i am begging you use this to make a change and start now. I don't understand what is so wrong with being gay...i mean how could you turn down Johnny Depp or Ryan Gosling, and for men i guess someone like Megan Fox but at the end of the day. it's life...everyone has a right to be happy, they deserve it.
Words hurt, it took me a year to get my friend to a point where he is 'ok' with telling people his gay...it took constant conversations ending with 'Look i love you and i still will even if you are gay, and so will all of your true friends.' only for all trust to be broken with things a few people saying horrible homophobic words to him...now i feel awful, and all my work is undone, he's right back at square one, he wont even hold his boyfriends hand in public.It makes me really sad, just really sad.
This world needs love to survive, so that means people need to start accepting others as they are...i hope with this blog i make a 'homophobic' person think differently. This needs to change it really does. We need a martin luther king but in the gay world that would be perfect! someone who really changes it, it upsets me that i could never do much about this, because 'i'm not gay i cant speak from experence' just as i would like to do a whole anti racism thing to bring that up to scratch..'but im not black so i cant do that either.' Just please everyone try and understand this blog. Thank you. 
Love is love. love is beautiful, love is true, and it should be aloud regardless of anything anyone may think.  xxxxxx

:most likely to be continued

A modern day titanic

Ok, well yesterday i was out with my beautiful sister Alice in Romford on our way to my friend Hannah's house and my mom sent me a message saying that there had been an accident off the coast of Italy and a cruise ship was sinking. At first i couldn't believe it, literally couldn't, there was no part of my mind that could grasp the fact that exactly 100 years from the Titanic this other cruise ship was going down too. Instantly i wanted to burst into tears my heart was aching because i wanted to be there and be helping the people stuck on board that boat, i hate boats, with a passion for this exact reason....drowning is one of my worst fears along with burning to death, they are two extremes, but also two ways in which i would find the worst to die.  But i wanted to be there, i wanted to help..I don't know what my problem is, i think i must be stupid or something or just pathetic but whenever something like this happens..war, the 9/11, plane crashes, boat crashes etc...i could cry for hours, over something that is really, nothing to do with me. So this blog, I'm going to try and make it a good one to help people overcome the tragic thing that has happened. I really do pray that everyone that got out of that ship can find a piece of mind and strength to get over what has happened, and i also hope that the families whom are still waiting for news on their missing loved ones will hear the news they want to hear as soon as possible. I hope that those who are trapped, lost, missing or whatever, well i hope that they are found safe and that they can recover well enough to lead as much of a normal life as they can...and as for the ones that couldnt be saved...well i hope they found peace..i pray there was no suffering that it was simply a simple as falling asleep. 

When i got home from my friends house and yard (i have to go back again soon so im trying to get my blog updates written up!) my nanna showed me the picture in the newspaper and literally my heart jumped into my throat, and i just wanted to cry all over again I've never...in my lifetime seen anything like it. The headlines grab you and pull you in for all the wrong reasons, not for the good reasons that you would want to read '38 MISSING LAST NIGHT AND THREE DEAD AS CRUISE SHIP FLIPS ON SIDE' my gosh it really is awful. The pictures, are so full of emotion, the looks on peoples faces is enough to make any normal human being feel something within the heart a certain sadness that comes with fear and loss, even without being there. I just really wanted to write a blog about this as its affected me alot, i wanted to write and dedicated to everyone who has been hurt, maimed or killed by the events that happened.
For everyone whom is reading and has been affected by the sinking of Costa Concordia, i wish you peace, love, strength..i wish you happiness and i wish you hope. I believe that as a nation we will pull though something like this, it's the only time sadly that everyone works together 
'we must realise, that a change can only come, when we stand together as one'
That quote i totally love it and its so important to me, i believe that in the case of this sinking that is why there are so many survivors because so many people have banded together to try and help. 

All my love. Your all beautiful my wonderful readers. I wish you a beautiful day. Love you all.

&& When you have nothing left, i'll still love you...

Four people, four people i have in my life who i literally dont think i would be able to function without, my sister, my best friends and twinnie, the reasons i breathe and have hope, the people i can turn to though anything and no matter what is going on within my heart and head. This is blog is dedicated to you guys. 

Alice: My beautiful sister, i am so truly blessed to say that you are my best friend and that i have you in my life you are there for me though thick and thin, even when you don't have time for yourself you have time for me, your the kind of friendship i can be 100% around, i could literally walk around your house in my pj's dragging a duvet and you would not bat an eyelid because Katie would most likely be following behind....You would just laugh and say how much i fit in with your family. You are the person that has sat there when ive been at my lowest, when i tried to kill myself you were there, up the hospital till all hours even though you had college in the morning...Remember that night i was in a state and crying so much, and you held me tight till i fell asleep and only then let yourself sleep, even though you ended up going to college yet again on one hour of sleep. Your a brilliant photographer and you give me all these photoshoots where i actually look ok (i promise one day when im beautiful i will let you do a shoot and get some BEAUTIFUL photos) I literally could not live without you, your such a huge part of me it's unreal, i cannot even start to think about what i would do if i lost you. I would be a mess, i would die i know that for a fact. I love how there is not one thing you do not know about me, you literally know everything and still love me...and that, is one of the many reasons I love you! Alice thank you so much your incredible :) <3

Jenna: oh hell i miss you so bad it's actually unreal! how dare the world be so horrible and keep us apart so long? oh twinnie i miss you so much, i really really do. I don't think there is one day that goes by where i do not think of you and all of the wonderful memories we shared, I'll never forget how we used to sit up all night and talk about changing the world and healing people and we would want that so bad we would end up crying, in tears but at the same time so happy to have found someone to share our heads with... I miss how i never stopped laughing with you, how people would stare, i miss singing happiness in cologne station, we need to stop! wait no! we dont, it's too much fun i dont care what people think. Remember NYE 2010 and me being completely smashed and running out your house barefoot in the snow screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSHNI!!!!!Thank you, thank you for putting up with me for hours on end and not giving up on me where other people prob would have, it means so much, i think i met you, in the middle of one of the hardest periods of my life, and we still became twins....I just have so many memories i cannot write them all down...When we both tried to run into starbucks and feel though the door hitting our heads together, laughing SO loud on all the rides at movie park even the non funny ones, the train rides, your teacher loving me soooo much,my german,my singing wicked in german, your granny being like 'oh no' whenever we came in the room..HAIR DYE....I MISS YOU SO MUCH and i love you, get back in my life please twinnie, thanks. x

Emma: Smellypoobum! I guess that i love you...even though you are a bully and bully me and your horses. Oh and Hayley, and Jodie, and everyone, mean! ;p Why am i friends with you? Ha no seriously Emma you are incredible and i really am blessed to have you as my friend, i know we have not known eachother long in comparison to Alice and Jenna but is still love you just the same, you gave me my dream of having my loan horse i always wanted. You helped me to learn so much, you sat there no matter how frustrating i was. YOU NEVER GAVE UP ON ME..thank you for that, im getting so much more confident now so thank you. Your horses literally are so lucky to have you, as am i, and Hayley, and Jodie and Debbie and literally everyone else down at the yard, and actually everywhere! You are an incredible rider and i LOVE watching you with the horses, most of all Cariad, you look at one with her, something i dont think i will ever be ;P Thank you for making me laugh when i was feeling down, for acting stupid on trains in the middle of London, and to have your nan and Hannah sitting there like 'oh.my.god do i even know them' and just how whenever i am out with you its like a play date with a 5 year old, i can complete be my childish self, unfortunately for Hannah if she is with us because she ends up looking after us... ;P Our 'food storage' never failed to make me laugh...and i love your squeals when i bring you chocolate...oh but i dont like the whole thing where you put bright red lipstick on then chase me round boots trying to kiss me!! I love your way to comfort me so beautiful, me:' so yeah he said im a slut how the hell does that work?' you:' you are a slut your my slut...' and then when we decided we were gonna get married, i actually think Vicky's mum was about to crash the car haha! I love how we are 'special' and that there is noone like us, :P i love how we talk about stupid things like retards the entire time. I love you and your heart, thank you for being a part of my life. BUTTERBUM <3

and last but not least Courtney, for staying up with me the entire night last night, thats basically why you are on this blog because you dont realise how much that picked my mood up, ok the fact i have STILL not slept makes me feel like im dying but haha was totally worth it! Thank you for making me laugh! even if i did wake people up..that you for making me realise how important 'hettie' was pahahahahaha *creasing up again*  GAH i just love you, i cant believe that even though we were close, we never really got to sit and chat until last night. I dont reallly know what to say because i need to get to know you better but your already on this blog.. SCORE! heheh ;) I have not felt that understood in forever, that you for making me realise that its not just me men are complete arseholes with, it makes me feel so much better, so much you cannot even understand. Thank you for helping me rediscover my love for finding new music...actually thats the reason i'm writing this blog, so Alice,Jenna and Emma all have you to thank for this, so, i have one problem... WE DONT HAVE A PICTURE TOGETHER!!! we need one, soon asap please...i feel this blog is missing a sock without our photo on it!!!!

But all four of you i love you guys to death
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qomnSLpcpIs
Heres a little gift for you all
Hope you like it xxxxx 

We just go on......

Ok, so for those who havnt read my previous blog, about the wonderful chats with my beautiful friend Courtney you are not going to know what i'm talking about when i say we have been up the entire night (it's nearly 6am here in England!) talking letting out all our stress and worries and talking about everything and anything, and we got onto the subject of music, something that really for both of us is our lives, I very much rely on music when i'm having a bad day, and i know Courtney does too because she tells me enough when i tell her about my latest music obsession. Well we have literally just been sending back and forth music and ive sent her stuff and been like 'oh ive sent that to 'insert name here' and she if she knows them knows exactly why i sent it to them *ahem* Roshni... and with me sending her Dream like new york (and incredible song i will blog about asap! i need to get back to motivating you guys who are so loyal and read my blog everyday!) Ok wait i'm loosing track of myself again, again lol, i need to get back to this blog, and what i want to say this time, by the way i am sorry for the amount of blogs ive been doing recently i have just had even more to say than normal and with my big gob i can't keep most of it in! ok. im really going to write the real blog right now.  Well she just asked me if i had heard of a song called 'We just go on' by Pixie Lott...I hadn't so she basically sent me the link and told me to listen to it. and just oh my gosh you guys! This song sums me up perfectly right now, every thought and every feeling it was like it was coming out in this song, i love how she always end with 'we just go on' it made me think really deeply because after all we do that don't we? We don't have a choice but to go on with our lives regardless of what happens in them, you can't put life on hold, despite how much i have wanted to do that recently, you can turn back time, you just go on and thats the only thing to do, I just thought that i would share this song with you because i am so obsessed :)  Just go on guys because you'll be better for it, you'll become a better person a strong one....:) 

What happens when the water runs away?
What happens when the sunlight starts to fade?
What happens when I love you comes to late?
When things go wrong, we just go on
What happens when you got no more to give?
What happens when there's nothing left to live for?
What happens when the one you love is not the one you're with
When things go wrong, we just go on

No ones scared of flying, were just scared of crashing down
No ones scared of falling, were just scared to hit the ground
Even if your heart gets broke, you're stronger then you'll ever know
When things go wrong, we just go on

What happens when your best is not enough?

What happens when your soul mate is already in love?
How you meant to pick the pieces up
When things go wrong, we just go on

No ones scared of flying, were just scared of crashing down
No ones scared of falling, were just scared to hit the ground
Even if your heart gets broke, you're stronger then you'll ever know
When things go wrong we just go on
We don't need much, much of anything no
Just the hope of what tomorrow brings [x2]

What happens when your lucky numbers wrong?
What happens when you lose someone you've always counted on?
What happens when it feels like life's just stringing you along?
When things go wrong, we just go on
When things go wrong, we just go on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr_DyQxRWVc

Young Americans Fall cast Germany 2011

Right so this blog, i dont think i am even going to be able to START and say how amazing, how simply amazing these last few days have been and how much i have enjoyed myself! So i first walked into this workshop practically shaking because i was so nervous, i literally did not know what was coming, if i would understand any of it, and if i was going to enjoy myself or not.
Well the first thing i realised when i walked though the door was that this cast was differnet, very very differnet from any of the casts i had ever met before when i had taken workshops in England, i saw it in them all, i saw it in ALL their eyes..i saw their hearts and that was just amazing, to be able and sit opposite 40 or so Young Americans, whom are all so amazing and so beautiful. When i learnt the first dance i worked with this AMAZING YA called Joanna and i actuallz have never picked up a dance as easy as i did that one, i think that, in my heart i felt comfortable with her, and with dancing in front of her like i did, and then when it came to dancing altogether and i was encouraged to be up the front and i practically crapped myself. I was worried about what people were thinking of me amd what were saying, and how bad i was dancing...how fat and ugly i looked, the list was endless...it stopped me enjoying myself 100%..it honestly did.
OH MY GOD the next part of workshop1 OH MY GOD OH MY GOD the next thing we learnt was choral ad oh wow there was this YA called Chanele  who was actually from Ireland but anywho...we managed to bond over the fact the we both buy mens clothes and cut them up to make them our own...literally i cant believe how awesome she is she made me laugh so much over the past three days...haha oman, we were learning this number called happiness which i think was in the second day, and this crazy YA was acting crazy at the front and fell backwards over a speaker,,well, Chanele and I thought that was hilerious, i was just about calming down, just about stopped laughing and she started again and set me off, thenn vise verse...i actually LOVE HER she is tzhis crazy ball of energy and happiness...she lit up my life from the very second she walked into it. I am so happy i got to spend time with her, and i have a very large feeling that after workshops end we wont see eachother again but i know im gonna do nothing but look back in years to come and laugh about the memories i have with her... :)
After we had a break we then learnt a dance based on Americas next top modall. a dance which i did not feel comfortable doing so i decided to not do and just sit and watch...i think that, if anything that remians the one bit of workshop i will struggle with now...for as many times that i do that in the future...but, it was because of me being a total idiot during this song that i got to meet a YA called Megan because she saw me trying to hide and just spoke to me, she made me realise so many differnet things about myself that i had not though about before...and oh my gosh i am enternally grateful for that. She was the start of the entire thingthat went on in this workshop that changed me forever.
Ok so i have more....this is gonna take forever im not even done with day one yet! So there is this part of workshop which up until THIS workshop i hated...literally hated with every part of myself  and that was when we had to sing on our own..we would sit in a group stand up one at a time and sing..this part...literally no lie made me feel sick to the stomach with fear, which was actually pretty retarded and pretty dumb thinking about it now but it held me back in every workshop i had ever done... So after alot of pushing from this amaying and verz beautiful YA called Chantelle i sung one line of let it be....and this next part part is the part of the workshop oh my gosh...so after i sung this YA called Angel, who actually lives up to her name, she came took me on my own said i sung beautifully and that she didnt know why i was always hating myself etc....and it was the talk with her...and then with this YA who came over called Micheal that made me realise how much i needed to change, when i came into the workshop the nbext day i literally had that thought inside my head that i did not give a crap what people thought of me, and i did not care about ANYTHING at all that had happened in the past, i only cared about the present and what was going on in my future......
I felt so much different and i enjoyed workshop so much more that its actually unreal, and when we learnt the rest of the show i just gave it my all, i dodnt care if i looked like a total fool, i just had fun, AH OH MY GOSH, when we were learning happiness two of the YA guys were acting the total fool and pretending to speak into bannanna and i think it was Curtis but i honestly dont know, he sdtepped back and fell backwards over a speaker that he didnt see was there, well it took all my effort not to fall on the floor with laughter, it was possibly one of the funniest things i have ever seen in my life, and having Chanele next to me who found it equally funny certainly did not help one little bit...the more i tried to stop laughing, the more i laughed, which is a actually really stupid because it was not THAT funny.
Now Lion King, remember all the blogs i had written about Lion king over the üpast few months, and that blog about a dance called shadowlands well i got to that once again and i actually feel i was blerssed to get to do that because i really thought that i would not get the chance and even when i did get the chance i was so close to giving it away, thinking that i already knew and had gotten enough from that dance, but i really was wrong..I danced centre sticks this time, and how i managed to get that is BEYOND me because the guy who picke3d me, well i had never spoken to him before then, i guess this is the thing the YA are here for though..that dance...well it made me even stronger, i will get the video on you tube asap and then post the link on here so you can all check it out because it really is worth taking the time to watch....i danced proper full out for the ENTIRE thing, even if i did look liek a prat ahahahah :)  
So somthing that my wonderful friend Nadine decided to do to give as a gift back to the YA was to sing them a song and we sung youve got a fruiend,well i got up and sung with just one other girl as a duet..i made one of the YA really cry, just because she knew me, and knew before that workshop i would never have done that, she also knew it was BECAUSE  OF HER MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE THAT I WAS DOING THAT. I am so happy i got to meet her, she knows who she is, and i dont know if im gonna send her the link for this yet, maybe, maybe not....but i was so blessed to have had her in my life for the three short days that i did :)
After if we hold on together, i was crying like a total baby (thats the shows finale) and this wonderful American called Loiva came over to me, took my hand and slipped one of her braclets around my wrist which nearly made me cry, and said whenever you are sad look at the this and remember that you are loved....i gave her one of the rings i was wearing the one that for me represented balalnce in life, because that braclet would have given me that now :)  I want5ed to give something back.  Thebn i had so many kids coming over asking me to sgn shirts and have photos with thema nd you know what it was just so beautiful because these kids, had never met me before, but they thought i was a YA bewcause of how id danced and even when i told them i was not a YA they said they did not care and that they still wanted photos and their shirt signed :)  agghhhh i love kids so much.
So that was OFFICALLY the end of the best workshop i have ever done, but im doing another one soon so most likley there will be another blog llike this haha :)
Love to all my followers in Germany right now the sun is shining i hope that is shining upon all your hearts and making you smile whereever in the world you are :) 

Jar Of Hearts

So i wanted to write a blog about this song because i am right now completely obsessed with it, i first heard it a while ago, i actually think pretty much when it first come out but recently, well i have just been totally obsessed with it, i totally need to make a dance to it, although i've been a fat slob recently so i'm most likely not gonna be able to move hahaha. But i do know that i have now learnt how to play this beautiful song on guitar, all my own singer songwriting has gone out the window all for this one song, just so i could learn it and be able to play it's crazy. 
I really LOVE the lyrics  
'Who do think you are
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
Your gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me 
Who do you think you are. '
There is so much power in them it's unbelievable, she really is getting the message and p[oint of her song across a million times better than any screamo music that is played today but instead uses a beautiful melody. 
Anyway i think you should all check out her video and some of her other songs :)  Here's the link. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&ob=av3e

Breast cancer awarness

I am so sorry for the lack of blogs over the pasy couple of days i have had so much going on and i literally have not had time to sit down and just... 
So first off the main thing i wanted to write about. This sunday we held a charity fundraiser event at the stables i ride at (eastminster) for breast cancer and leukemia, It was a really hard day for me, because of course it was September 11th and i always get super emotion over anything to do that!!! I'd spent the whole day crying and writing music to express my feelings, but then i had to leave to go help set up a stall that i was going to be working on, haha. I was actually ok when i was there, all i wanted to do was raise money for the cancer charity's..that was really important, I know alot of people who hae lost their lives to cancer and everyone in my family (girls of course) have had cancer..soooo....it's a big thing. 
The actual event started at 3pm but as i was there so early i got to have a look around the other stalls before everything started getting busy! So it just so happened that in the stall next to the one i was working at, a guy was selling load and loads of books, and anyone who knows me, knows that i have an inner geekness for reading, spesh over the past few weeks, so i got over there and managed to get some pretty awesome books, some that were actually new and recently published for 50p, yay :)  I also spent sooo much money on the stalls i was working on whenever we didnt have anyone to serve (oh well at least the money went to charity!) i managed to win a riding DVD, a few bags of horse treats (no doubt will all go on Cadet, Spirit and Jay) and a new mane come which was perfect as mine recently broke! Ohhhh and also a really cute soft toy which at my age, should not excite me but it did hahah! 
Theres tradition at my yard every year that we do a fundraising event for charity and whilst that is is always held in the jumping paddock... (which looks much smaller when your  not on horseback let me tell you!), and a big part of that tradition is also a musical ride which is ridden by the yard owner and some of the senior members of the school (normally the best riders in that term!) I really like watching this, and the past two years i didnt get to see it, so it was a treat to get to see it this year. Most of the ride, well pretty much all of them anyway, were made up of my instructors or previous instructors, it was good to see them riding for a change and as it was too music it made it even more perfect, it's amazing what a horse and rider can do when they work together! It was a shame about the wind though as it meant the music could not be heard very well but apart from that they were amazing... 
I'm so proud of everyone who helped that day, i know that within three hours we had raised over £1000 so once the rest gets tallied up god knows how much we would have made, hopefully alot more, WELL DONE AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!
I've also been spending alot of my time writing music, yesterday i think i spent the entire day with my beautiful guitar writing, I've actually recorded a couple of songs now and am debating letting a few of my friends hear them :)  I really do love music, I love how it is the same in every country and how it brings countries together, i know that when i am in Germany next month, music brings it together, even if nothing else is understood :) 
So much love xxxx

Letting go

This is letting go....This is trying to move on from someone who means the world to me...It's trying to accept within the deepest parts of my heart where i have you locked away that you don't belong there anymore...I feel like i'm ripping out a part of my own heart by letting you go, but when everyday your presence is making me hurt more and more what am i really supposed to do?
I believe that love is forever, true love is forever, because trust me when i say that i will always be here for you whenever you need me to be, thats something i believe and something i know i will always stick with. This is not about 'un-loving' its about moving on from something that no good is coming out of..a relationship that is destructive (be it as lovers or just friendship)is not good for no-one and it's just best to move on from it.
Don't get me wrong i wish nothing but the best for you, exactly why i am doing this, not just for myself, but for you too, because in both ways it words i can do better than you and you can do better than me, because we are not for eachother and there are people out there who suit better, once you findd them, surround yourself with them instead. There is no way a persons soul can grow when your stuck fast in a relationship thats dragging you down.
This hurts me so please don't think i am going to walk away from this without no tears, because trust me there will be many, and i'm writing this not even knowing if im gonna be able to follow though with it, because i really cannot imagine my life without you, I'm hoping that by writing it down i will be able to see what is best for us both. I think that, this needs to happen, for the both of us...
So...goodbye, I wish you well and that your life is full of beautiful things and you meet people that are perfect for you and make you happy.
I love you, and that i always will do. This is letting go. x

Make it a better place

'I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those, who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return'
I was just listening to the wicked soundtrack, which i do actually one hell of alot...and i got thinking about a friend of mine who i met totally randomly a few years ago.
So this girl, makes the lyrics to this song so significant...Do you know when you meet someone and the instant they look at you, and speak for the first time you KNOW they are going to understand you and you will be friends? Well this is what happened with this girl. The first time i met her i was crying quite abit...well alot. I was thinking about alot of things and my head was away somewhere in the clouds....she came over to me and asked me for a hug, and let me just explain this...i never let people hug me a few years ago...literally wouldnt let anyone touch me, unless i knew them really well, and from that moment i just KNEW i could trust her with my life and my heart. I don't think she even knew i didnt like hugs...i guess she just saw it in my body language that instant pull back, arms crossed, head down thing i done instantly to try and get away from the situation.
I don't know why i decided to write this blog, but i just felt it had to be done, I want the world to know there is such things as angels...because this girl i'm talking about is one of them.
I love how we sat for hours upon hours just talking about our lives and everything that had happened and the crazy thing was, she had gone though everything i went though, and am going though when she was my age if not more than me...out of all the thousands of random people i could have started talking to, it was her!
Ahhh i cannot even think of the words to write what i want to say, it's one of those annoying situations where you know exactly inside your heart but when out, it just gets lost in a total catastrophe of words and sentences all thrown in together. It's hard to explain because normally in a situation like this i could say oh shes one of my best friends, but shes really not...I love her to death and back and would literally take a bullet for her just to see her smile...so it's not that i don't care either because i REALLY do..i think like for good says, she was brought into my life for a reason, and i really think thats the only way i can describe it. Some people a naturally meant to find each other because they are soul mates and destined to either be lovers or best friend.or sometimes both...then you get the other people we meet, than come in and out of your life...and change you in the most tiny but very significant ways, they do not normally stay long, and theres only SO much they can teach you. Well with this girl is constantly changing me still even years later, thats why i feel so blessed to have her, she really has helped me to grow, and i know that right now im in a fucking crazy mood and all over the place but within that i have reached an inner calm which i had never managed to reach before i knew her...It's an amazing feeling having someone you can talk to who you know is not going to blab it to your circle of friends...because they dont know any of them, and of whom actually understand the situation you are going though.
This weekend i got to spend some time with her after what seemed to me to be years...and it's the caring and how happy my heart felt at that moment, I really do think that talking face to face is much better than over a chat, because more feelings and love can go into it...you can see more what is real, and what is not. I felt so amazed that she even wanted to see me, i am actually an epic fail and normally make everything suck..or at least i think so and thats all that matters to me!!!! It just lifted my spirits up so much and made me feel a million times better about myself..i got home that day and just walked around singing the entire day (namely all RENT) but i was singing all day...something i have not done in a really long while!
So yeah i believe in angels and i believe that people come into our lives for a reason, i want for everyone who reads this to say hello to everyone and get to know everyone at every opportunity you get..because you never know who can change you life...if you had told me a few years back i would meet someone who changed me and would even give me a reason to live when i was suicidal, i would have laughed in your face, but now...i believe in the things unseen...the little things that draw people together and help to make them and (hopefully in time) the world a better place.
Thank you for reading.

Germany Day Two...

I woke up this morning feeling more excited than i have ever been before in my entire lifetime! I have this wonderful friend called Nadine and i have known her since 2006, in 2007 she was meant to be coming over to stay at my house in England with another beautiful friend of mine Ines, and she ended up in France at the time...so you can imagine, this was a pretty exciting moment for me and i was freaking out ohhhh just a little bit :) We spoke on the phone and decided that we would meet at city point in Kassel...so again this made me even more excited because i had wanted to go there for ages! It was so amazingly hot this day so we decided as we got there early to have a little walk up the street before going for a cool drink somewhere nice :) Tessa got a call from behind and her mom was walking up with her little baby sister, i literally was SO happy because i wasn't planning on getting to see her yet, and let me tell you, that she was the cutest baby i have ever met in my entire life. That kid never stopped being happy and the smile never went from her face it made me heart smile even more, looking back on the pictures of me holding her..well the smile never once goes from my face, that baby was adorable..it's babies like her who gave whitney the reason to quote 'i believe the children are our future'.

So anyway, after (sadly) having to give that wonderful little baby back to her mom, we went on to find a place to get a drink, we were actually amazingly lucky as we found a beautiful little place right outside where Nadine and I were meeting, a little open cafe :) it was peaceful to sit there and the fountains, they remind me so much of dancers, free and flowing.... Then i saw Nadine, i could not be happier, finally seeing her, well my heart was leaping all over the place and going crazy :) We had a little look around the shops and bought some beautiful matching braclets :) then when Tessa rejoined us we went and bought something to eat and sat on some steps in the sunshine talking about life, moments and memories that have been important. :)

We then ate some more of the wonderful German ice cream, ( i literally had it every day btw just to warn you in advance im that obsessed) before getting into the car and driving to visit Herkules, when we pulled into the parking lot i actually couldn't see anything, and i thought it was something (in my dumb child way of thinking) to do with the Disney movie and that we were going to watch it on a big screen or something, however when we came to the top of the hill i was met with the most beautiful sight of my life, i remember many of my friends saying that this was one of their favourite places in the world and now i could see why, i didnt know what it was called at the time, but i had saw enough pictures to recognise it, i must have spent maybe two hours just walking down this monument, just to stop everywhere and take pictures, from every angle there was a new and beautiful photo opportunity and i just loved it so much :) I think that because there was not much rain recently the pools only had a little water in them, so i was able to take my shoes off and climb in and take more photos, i felt blessed to be in this place, feeling the water between my toes and looking out to the entire city in the horizon. MAGICAL!

When we reached the bottom there was a little restaurant where we stopped to grab a little something to eat and drink before making our way back up again, and ok so that bit was maybe NOT as fun, i felt like i was dying haha!!!!! but oh my gosh what a wonderful day. I was happy to have also got to spend it with Nadine aswell :) Yayayayay

In peace

just realised if you look at the isalnd where all the shootings took place in Norway, It's the shape of a heart (well not perfect but you know you can see it if you look the right way)..and it made me cry....To me that is a symbol that the dead are at peace and loved ones can (try) to move on..i just saw and thought i would share it on facebook...'death' does not mean the end of love...

- i just posted this on my facebook and thought that i should put it in a more publice place :)x

Attack on Norway

It's just come up all over the news about Norway and i really do begin to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this earth and the people in it. I know that Norway is one of the last countries i would expect this to happen to, this is a fairly quiet country that does not really cause trouble. It worries me that this is now starting to happen in the countries in where we would have once deemed safe to live in. There is reported already to be seven people dead, and more seriously injured, and ok so that might only be 'seven' lives at the moment, but each one of them is precious...by destroying that life, you have broken the hearts of many others and took away someones right to live, something that no one, apart from god, has the right to decide. There is also meant to be a gunman on the loose of a island nearby to Norway, i mean really WHAT THE FUCK?!? There were people hiding in bushes and people trying to SWIM off the island just to get away. I don't understand it...The world is falling apart, and people are not caring, there is only so long you can sweep something like this away as if it does not exist, and then by the time people realise that its a problem that needs addressing, it's too late the worlds gone.

It just gets me so angry, I'm sitting here crying, because it just hurts my heart to see this world, the planet we live on, in such a freaking mess all the time, i don't understand, i cannot begin to understand..what must have been going though the minds of the people who planted the bombs, and what it must be like for the ones left suffering..people always talk about the dead, but rarely the are the people left behind thought about straight away...thats always after, after the time when they need the help the most....it's just awful.

I'm not saying that Norway is the perfect country and im not saying that this was going to happen...what i'm saying is, this was clearly an attack to simply kill...in a low risk country, to put more people all over the world in constant fear.

Norway is looking like a war zone, no where should look like that...guns need to be put down, the whole idea of bombs needs to be thrown away and the world needs to live in 100% peace, and i'm sorry if you don't agree with that, because it's something i'm going to fight for till i die.

Emily Maguire - A gig in the 'garden'

So i just got back from what i think is one of the best performances i have ever been to!
A few months back i was going though an amazingly hard time in my life and was a little bit of a mess inside...i have this wonderful friend who was talking to her best friend and she that i should check out this singer songwriter called Emily Maguire. She gave me the name of her book and strongly urged me to read it, so i instantly went on line and ordered it...from the second it arrived and i read the back, not even the first page jsut the back i was pulled in, into a world where i no longer felt alone, where i no longer felt i was the only person going though what i'm going though..or more...maybe i was, but at the end of the day, there were people (like i always try to remind myself) that are worse off than me..and people like Emily who have literally been though hell on their knees and came though again on the other side. I feel stupid being able to write this because because i dont know her...but i just have to!
So when we first got to to open garden where the gig was being held we saw a notice saying that it would be held in the church next door as it had been raining on and off all day and no one was really sure how much it was going to rain again that evening..literally five seconds after we got outside the doors to wait it began raining, oh and it rained it REALLY REALLY did rain!. I was so tempted to just throw my shoes off (the flimsy bits i had on anyway) and dance and leap across the grass, but then, i realised i was going to be sitting down for hours with no means of getting changed or dry and had to suppress my inner(sometimes very but nonetheless) free spirit.
ANYWHO, the whole performance was opened by this wonderful man who had an epic voice, i felt sorry for him at some points and wanted to hug him, it was his first solo gig and you could tell how scared he was at times, although he was bloody brilliant,! i would pay just to come and see him alone! Some of the songs that he was singing nearly had me in tears it was beautiful.! Then after a small break the moment i had actually been waiting for for months and Emily walked onto stage, i think at first it didn't seem real, because this person is someone famous who i greatly admire and they are standing right in front of me. I must have sat there in awe the entire first half of the act,i do remember though sitting there, in the front row of all places, trying not to cry my eyes out when she sang her amazing song 'I'd rather be', that song has alot of significance for me. The words..well all her songs are, but the words to that song, you can reach them out to anybody, in any walk of life, no matter what they are going though and who they are and for me that is the most beautiful thing alive, to be able to do that with music..well... I also really remember the last song she sang in the first half and that was because it was one of the first songs of hers that i had ever heard and that was start over again...i think that maybe i got a tad too excited at that moment and nearly jumped out my seat which would have caused me some embarrassment haha. In the break i was asking around all the staff members if one of the could give my gift to Emily, and they were all saying no i cant right now shes having a break sorry, then the parent decided to literally hold me down so i couldnt go and work on my next step...Emily's husband...i was just so scared of doing it myself..and i knew he could not use the excuse, 'I'm sorry i'm not alloud backstage' phaha but anyway i was kept in my seat. As the second act began i was yet again so freaking excited even more so now, and when Emily announced that she was going to be singing new songs that she had never performed before i freaked even more i felt so so blessed....out of all the music in the world i get to hear hers first, to me that better than any A list band...it really really is.!!!! All i got from this second half was a dying...sstrong...longing for the songs to be in my hands in disk form...i actually cannot wait till i comes out on CD, that will be the best day of my life, officially ;) There were two songs that i remember the most, one was a song wrote for a girl hurt after a riding accident, and being obsessed with horses..i listened so intently...the lyrics moved me so much! it was beautiful..the next was the final song of the gig, a song called 'Stardust' i was so moved so so so moved, my mom was handing me tissue after tissue haha i literally cried the entire way though... OH MY GOSH! and then we got two extra songs at the end....and the crazy thing was the very last song she performed to i knew very well due to it being a part of greenpeace (i shouted Greenpeace when i heard that opps) and i also danced to it for Japan a few months ago, although at the time of that i dont think i was aware who sang it, all i knew was it was a really beautiful song! Gahhhhhh it was amazing,...
After the performance i was waiting in the queue to see her and ahhhhhhhh i literally cannot believe i got to come face to face with her :) she is so beautiful in person and just so friendly and down to earth with everyone...she signed all the albums that i had bought that day (no more you tube yayyy hahaha) and my book :) and at the end I even hugged her, which i can be funny about if i do not know someone...i felt very very safe in her company...after the first few seconds of talking to her face to face....it was ok......:) Garrrrrrrr :) So yeah, that evening pretty much made me believe for a while again...
I love her words, literally there is so much depth there, depth in which i can understand which makes it even more beautiful...
So Gwen, if you are reading this, thank you so much!!!! for recommending her music to me, because look at how happy i am tonight :) and as for beautiful Emily well.... NEVER FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE GIRL!!!!!!!!! :)

http://www.emilymaguire.com/index.html

18 tage :)

With 18 days until i finally get to go back to Germany, i am beginning to get more and more excited, Germany is my heart and my soul and means everything to me. Yesterday i was looking at pictures and videos from the last time i were in this beautiful country and i literally broke down in tears, I've never missed a place so much in my life...
In 2006 i started doing this performance workshop called the Young Americans, and actually, it's pretty much thanks to the YA that i have friends in Germany, and we learnt a song called 'Happiness'..well when I am in Germany i will stand in the middle of a crowded train station like Cologne and sing that at the top of my voice, including the actions to go with it...

'Happiness is everything and anything at all, thats loved by you'

I just loved it, to see the look on the faces of people, when they clearly do not have a clue what is going on or what i am doing or singing about..but most of all i love the smiles that normally appear seconds after...to see young girls singing happy and free....in Germany they seem to appreciate things like that more than anyone in England ever would.
I love how for the time i was in Germany people just accepted me, my friends used to take me out with them and their friends, and they were just like, HEY, not once did i ever feel like they didnt want me there, in fact, i have made quite a few good friends from this way aswell.. The family i will be staying with in a few weeks i met randomly on a visit to see a YA workshop in the fall, i am so so so excited to get to spend time with them and get to know them all better...also the fact i have never really been to this part of Germany before, the whole idea gets me crazy and hyper, i cannot wait.
I want to get back to Munich at some point for abit, because its freaking amazing there, it's just a matter of fitting it all in...I'm not well enough really to be out of the country right now for me than a week...i would most likely have a breakdown, therefore touring around would only stress me out. But i have hope to get better, and next year, i will be able to spend my entire summer out there with everyone that i love and care about...lets hope...
i believe...in this case i really do believe, because i've never known something i want as bad as this. :)

Maddy's birthday!!! xxxxxxx

So yesterday evening, i went to a party for my beautiful friend Maddy's 17th, I was having a really shit day and was seriously thinking about not going and just staying home, the idea of being in a crowd of people made me feel ill..but i swallowed my pride and went, and i am so glad that i did because i had a wonderful time, and that was without drinking, I'm actually proud of myself for that..ok i couldn't stay for the entire party because that would have been too much for me...but since recently, being able to be out from 8-10:30 is a very very good step for me..!

I am so happy that i got to see my beautiful Charlotte again because i have not see her in so long now that it is actually crazy! (Only since april but for me that is a reallllyy long time).. Maddie had this door of her house where people were alloud to write notes for her birthday, and after half hour of so, Charlottle and I, along with this awesome guy called Nick who we had only met that night decided to go out and write stuff on this door for her, however Nick instead decided to write this crazy note making ridiculous suggestions about Charlotte and I, then promptly sticking it to the wall with this huge smile on his face... so I, in turn done exactly the same back to him, this must have gone on for a good hour or so, the paper gradually starting to cover the wall of Maddy's stairs hahahah :) But oh it was a good time...wonderful funny times, poor Maddy when she came and saw that...! :) although she found it funny. I must also say that all of Maddy's friends are totally awesome!!! I've not really met a group of people like that, where i have felt like i fitted in right away with everyone..By the time i was getting ready to go home it seemed that SO MANY people were drunk and i just could not stop laughing, music was playing, people were dancing and everyone was just going INSANE...i finally for half hour or so really really managed to let go and just dance, something that at a party i need to be drunk to do!! It really was an awesome night, i got to meet some great new people and catch up with old friends whom i havn't spoken to in a while..

Thank you so much for inviting me Maddy! Love you very much xxxxxx

Sometimes it hurts instead....

'I won't let you, close enough to hurt me' I fucking LOVE Adele and right now this is my new motto to life...I've decided that from now on, in order to keep myself (and others) from getting hurt this is something that maybe needs to be listened to..I'm learning now that there seems to be so no such thing as friendship, because EVERYONE hurts you, and everyone leaves you, and i know this blog is totally out of character for me, because normally there are people i will say i can ALWAYS rely on, and yeah THEY are still there,but what happens if they go too? I'm just stepping with caution, thats all. Loosing anyone from your life hurts, and loosing someone from your life who is A: your best friend or B: not even really a friend just someone who impacted your life a big deal is even harder. It's broken my heart..not made it better, and i know, that loosing the two other people in my life who i would die for would kill me...literally, that would be like taking the air that i breathe away. I don't want to push them away from me, but then at the same time i don't want to push THEM away from me enough for them to leave forever. From now on i will pretend with them that everything is ok, and even when they argue, which i know they will, i'll just dismiss it...again caution..not to hurt them, but to stop them getting hurt... I don't want to loose more people that i love, and i'm scared of doing that...so i think it really is time to step away now...I'm scared of myself because I'm scared now to love, and love is all you need.

7th July 2005

7/7/2005..the day that London was shaken with the horror of terror attacks by the same evil madman who planned the 9/11. Like the 9/11 i remember exactly where i was upon hearing the news of these attacks. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see if i could be fitted in for an urgent MRI scan. My ENT consultant was really worried and was getting his staff to run around seeing if they could fit me in. I remember the phone ringing and a conversation going on where it was clear that the patient was cancelling their appointment. After getting off the phone the receptionist spoke to another woman and said that there was a free MRI slot as a patient was stuck in traffic due to an incident in London...I didn't think anything of it, it was London, and there was ALWAYS things happening there and it went to the back of my mind especially when the slot was given to me, having claustrophobia the idea of being locked in a tube that long scared me to death.

After the scan was finished i was told to go into town and get something to drink whilst i was waiting for my results...so as per normal for me, i asked my mom if we could drive to a nearby Starbucks..When we got in the car and turned the radio on, was when where heard about everything that was going on in London, my heart was beating so fast i could barely breathe, it seemed to me like 9/11 was only a day ago, and now London had been targeted to. All i could register was the word 'bomb' and 'people dead'...even when i went back to get my results and were told i would need a operation asap i didn't really care, i was in a state of shock, pure shock. I couldn't understand, yet again, why people would commit such evil deeds.

When i later got home and saw everything unfolding before my eyes on TV I broke down even more so, people running, people screaming, people crying, people in pain, people dying, the emotions that kill me to see, the emotions that no human being should have to feel, that no living being should feel. After a while i began thinking about the families, what they must have been feeling 4 suicide bombers called 52 people that day, and ok, so maybe that was not as big as the thing that happened in America, but lives are lost, and people are still left behind grieving for something that no normal person would go out there and do.

Today family and friends of lost loved ones gathered in Hyde Park for a memorial, proof that the day that happened six years ago now lives on strongly in their minds, and it will do forever.

Things like this just shouldn't happen there is no need for it..

THIS is what i'm about, i'm about making the world see one person at time that world peace is needed, and if just one person reads this message, and changes their outlook, then it's worth it, if it makes just one person think about world peace and that we can do it together, then again it is worth it.

You may say i'm a dreamer but im not the only one, i hope some day that you will join us and the world WILL live as one.

My best friend

So today i had planned to meet up and go for a walk with one of my best friends Alice, but after having a really bad night the previous evening i was certainly debating going, not because i didnt want to see my friend, but simply because i felt so shit and low, and didn't think there was any point. However,i then remembered how Alice is like a clone of me, i decided to go anyway, as she always makes me laugh..and makes me feel better about myself...she understands me to such a depth its crazy! So i pulled myself out of bed, had a quick was and threw on a hoodie and a pair of jeggings..i really did not care about anything, i just made sure i had a little bit of make up on, with a face as ugly as mine i fucking need it!
I got my nanna to drop me off at her house and then we made our way over to this beautiful country park near her home...I love it there..i mean really love it, because it's just so beautiful and just so peaceful...it gave us a chance to catch up and talk about life..it gave me a chance to get everything off my chest and out into the open, with someone who does not judge me and listens to what i have to say. We got walking and actually didn't realise how far out we had gone, and like retards, when we got to the end of the pathway we were following, instead of going back, we decided to just carry on walking and go up another path of which we had never been down before... It was wonderful walking there, as it was so quiet....so so so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop...the sun was in the sky and the gentle breeze was blowing so i was perfectly comfortable...after walking for about another 10mins we came to another cross road which branched off in three ways...thinking we could be adventurous...when knowing our luck is a bad idea, we decided to cut off the path an walk though this beautiful corn field...when we got to the other side though we realised there was nothing there except for this small country road, which none of us had seen before or recognised....So we turned back on ourselves and made our way back to the cross road..from there we actually got lost...again..totally and utterly lost...and even after about another hour when i DID find an area of park i recognised, it was flooded so we had to go another way...only then did i realise i had my beautiful iphone in my pocket and we used that to get us back on the main road...soaking wet, feet in agony and covered in mud...we made our way into hornchurch for coffee, and i actually dread to think what people must have thought when we walked in!
I actually loved every moment of today...because at start i was literally on the brink of suicide, and thank you to my beautiful best friend i have managed to get my head to much clearer and better place..for now..i love how every laugh and joke just comes natural because we both have the minds of five year olds..!
Ah anyway :) I'm going to shut up now...please check out this site!!! We plan on doing a hug mission of this around here asap ...! :) www.operationbeautiful.com

Run away or take a risk?

What do you do when you love someone but are to afraid to tell them?
When there is every chance of something actually happening between you both,you flirt and banter all the time when together... but then at the same time you feel scared because you dont want to loose that friendship? When its someone who is like a brother to you...and you have looked upon them as that way for such a long time...then is it wrong..? is it like dating a member of your family? I don't know.
I want to spend a day with you and sit alone together under the beautiful sun and speak the words my heart so desperately wants to say. When i first met you i didnt look upon you as anything other than a friend or even at that time only as a 'potential' friend. But then i got to know you, and found out what a beautiful person you were inside and out. I confided in you and told you my deepest secrets, you took them with compassion and love unlike anything i have ever seen come from a straight guy before. You broke down the wall around my heart and help me to love again, even if sometimes it had to hurt in the end, you were always there to help comfort me, heal me and help pick me back up again. Your love cured me in ways that i never even thought possible, and i keep wondering all the time if we were together then would i be able to make an even better person of myself?
I adore you, in fact i actually love you with ALL my heart,to have you would be a dream come ture in so many ways just..im so scared to even tell you that, because i dont want to have to deal with the consequences if you do not fell the same way, Im scared i'll fuck it all up like i normally do...
I'm standing now on the edge and i need to decide if i want to run away and be safe or jump and take a risk...and it's the hardest decision ever.