Ten years tomorrow

My heart is breaking. Tomorrow is ten years..ten years and nothing has changed, the 9/11 is still affecting people...still tearing apart lives, and breaking down families which are already broken beyond repair. I'm sitting crying my eyes out this is affecting me so much, the 9/11 never gets better...every year the whole world goes into mourning again as if it was happening all over again...
I found this vvideo, it's a ten year tribute to the 9/11 victims and i wanted to share it with my readers...please pass this on..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE4wjGp-80A
Nothing even related to this video, there was a story about a young girl on TV whom refuses to marry her boyfriend because her father is not there to walk her down the isle, is that not proof how much this is affecting people..I am just SO happy she has her boyfriend who understands her, she certainly deserves it.
I can't believe it...I can't believe it's ten years...
Next year when i am in America i would  love to visit ground zero, I'm pretty sure that will happen, and that i will get to be there at some point even if it is only for a day...
I don't know, what is crazy, is that i'm not religious, i don't even know if i believe in god or not, but i want to go there and pray for the lives that have been lost...I think i need closure, just to be there and be able to really see the place and send my infinite love...it will help me maybe get over it... 
I know it's stupid because I'm not American nor do i even know anyone who died in the tragedy, i am just a person who loves everyone and hates to see people hurting, i mourn even when i don't know the victims personally...i know thats bad and i'm sorry. I just thing that human beings should be decent to each other and not hurt eachother all the time, i wish people would lay down their guns, knifes, and bombs and everything destructive hold hands and vow world peace... I guess it's one of those things I'm gonna keep wishing for though that will never happen. 
What sickens me to the core is that there are now even more threats for tomorrow, that more places are going to be bombed, that planes are going to be taken over, people being held hostage, i mean WHAT THE HELL. You have put this world and the people on it though enough and on one of the hardest days of the year you want to go and make it worse by installing fear into everyone...yeah...nice move..It really does make me sick. I don't even want to be alive sometimes i am so ashamed of this planet and some of the evil human beings on it. 
May god bless the families, the victims and America... 
I love you all xxxx

Hush

'This our temporary home, its not where we belong, windows and rooms that I'm passing through, this is just a stop on the way to where were going, I'm not afraid because i know this is our temporary home....'

So i wanted to write a blog about this group i found a few weeks back  on you tube called Hush..I found them actually because i was looking for different cover versions of temporary home which is one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite artists Carrie Underwood, and i managed to stumble across this, and i thank god i did...because it's really beautiful!
The song is powerful i mean REALLY powerful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdMYVQx4Q1Y&list=FLwtxWBGnVln1MjjDfsNZPzA&index=2
and that is why i love it...It's a song that for me can bring comfort to anyone who is going though a hard patch or a hard time in life...It's helped me learn to cope with everything life throws at me, because in the end, everything is just temporary....
Now these girls, they sang this song with such conviction, conviction that i have only seen Carrie Underwood sing with before, the story is told though their eyes...
You could believe they really were that little boy getting shoved around to many different homes, that young girl who was a single mom and alone, that old man who is passing away...they are inspiring, amazing, and so incredibly talented...
I think you should definitely check out their music... :) 

Thank you!

'I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on it's ears
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given 
And i wanna try 
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less, than something that says
I was here'

Dear all my beautiful readers (and friends whom have read my blog!) I just want to say how grateful i am for amount of views I am getting, and the amount of people who think my blog is good enough to pass on to their friends and family... 
I have had a few messages since writing this blog telling me that i am an inspiration and that i have changed peoples lives by what i have written...well, this brought a tear to my eye...You cannot even begin to realise how happy it makes me to know that my blog is affecting people, you really can't...To think that i have helped someone go out there and do something, to think i have given someone the courage or the willpower to do something they were afraid of...simply just to help them have hope again, just AHHHHHH it makes me feel so good inside... 
I want to work with people when I'm older, I want to travel this world...people say i have a wise head on my shoulders for my age but my gosh i know there is so much more for me to learn...and this excites me, because anything to make me a better person :) and anything i can use to help people...
This blog will be going with me where ever i go...thank you for reading and helping me to understand myself... 

Loveeeeee :) 

Lessons Learned

'The past can hurt we can either run from it or learn from it.'

I love the lion king, and i know I wrote a blog about it a few days ago but I'm gonna do another one again because i just got a tattoo inspired by the lion king! 

It's a beautiful little simba cub with the quote underneath that i have written at the top of this blog. I wanted to write down the reason for this tattoo, simply because when i was having that tattoo done i nearly cried...not  the pain (Suprisingly there was very little it just hurt after..actually quite alot..)  but because of the REASON behind it... First of all i learnt alot from the lyrics and lesson that Lion king teaches...I am one of those people who can sit there and see the beauty unseen, it does not have to be clearly written upon the screen in front of me, that is one thing..i do like about myself. it's help to teach me alot of things that some people don't learn until they are in their late twenties/early thirties. Anyway this quote, I saw the tattoo online, because i was looking for some ideas to draw up together as a tattoo and actually saw this and fell in love with it, so decided not to change is and get this done as it was instead.  Thats something I've never done before I normally have something totally new and idividual so this for me was a huge change..  I did want the circle of life lyrics, but couldnt decide what part of them was the most important for me, I would have had to have the whole song...Then i thought of he lives in you, and equally they live in you, i thought of we are are one, i thought of the grasslands chant, i thought of shadowland i thought of every single lion king song and could not decide, and there was no way on this earth i would be able to have entire lion king lyrics plastered up my leg...(although giving half the chance, and the room and money i would.!) So instead i took this quote, which is from the lion king but also very apt to my life currently... Since maybe 2005 my life has been an up and down mess full of alot of crap and bullshit..i went though really bad depression, i self harmed, tried to commit sucide more than once, and alot of other fucked up things...BUT I decided to turn my life around and yeah i do still struggle one hell of alot and i do still have really bad days and days where i literally cry non stop, but i'm getting there because I want to get better and thanks to my friends (the true ones nonetheless, that was a hard and painful thing fiding out, although worth it..) and my wonderful girlies who i am close like sisters too, i am starting to see the light now and bring myself out of this mess i got into...(ok, i can't believe I've actually written that for people to see, but then i don't care now...i want to prove to people that things can get REALLY messed up and you CAN get out of it...you can...no matter what...thats what i now tell myself everyday.. ) So saying the past may hurt, is one hella true for me! More than actually my blog would let on, more than anyone except for one person in my life knows...but it is also very very true that you CAN learn from it...I realised the other day that all i was doing was running and hiding from things that i was afraid of..instead of looking at the past and thinking ok, that was messed up, and you know what?  Half of that was not even my fault...well instead that I'm learning to talk about it now...and learn from what happened...and i really am much happier generally because of it... :)  Oh god i just realised how long this blog is going to be....opps! 

Second reason to this tattoo, which i think is the reason i almost cried the most, and I've wrote about this group of people before, and if you look though my old stuff on here i think there are about three i wrote, and then of course theres the you tube video..! (see already, these guys influanced me one hell of alot)..THE YOUNG AMERICANS, and by this i mean majorly the 2006 cast, well, this was where i learnt what Lion king was, and i mean i learnt to look beyond the movie cartoon that i always saw before...Now this cast...they did something incredible, they performed circle of life and he lives in you to a group of 200 kids and i think about maybe 15 adults whatever i dont give a crap it's insignificant...a group of people the had only met the day before, after all loosing one of the best friends two days previous...for those who do not understand why this is so incredible for me...I want you to imagine standing in front of a crowd performing for a start...becuase i'm used to it and i still crap myself, everyone does....then i want you to imagine loosing one of the most important people in your life...ok...? Now put them together and how

do you feel? I've been there and let me tell you it hurts...like hell...I know that i kept breaking down i kept crying, and it was only the rehersals...I dont think...i could have performed in front of people...i really don't..it takes some incredible strength..life for real...They then sat, and explained how the words meant so much to them, and what with seeing their performance my who new view was there... I remember heather...i remember her so much oh my gosh, how she was sitting next to me in the circle for learning the song and she was being so supportive of me, despite the fact she was hurting more and i knew it...i just didnt know what to do apart from give hugs out....which half the time i was too scared to do anyway.. So yeah...that formed the basis of why lion king means so much to me, I mean, i guess i would have figured it out in the end and it would have ended up meaning this much..but...I've spent my childhoon, or at least most of my teenage years anyway...being able to see what lion king was really about and i am blessed for that...Everytime i do a workshop i get emotional about Lion king, everytime, it's amazing....when you watch their faces...every single year...every single YA when they perform that.....just WOW.... Then in 2009 i met this girl called Emma and i done the 'stick dance' with her...and we sat and we were talking about the meaning behind the dance...(it was to shadowlands)  and it helped me to much..it helped me to learn that everything in life is a journey, and i really that is something that has got me though the hardest times i remember Emma, i remember that. I remember that life is a journey and is gonna keep going. nothing lasts forever...ok so that can be a bad thing..but it also means that the bad things wont be there forever....Emma, thank you for that.. and then of course i then got to do the dance the year after with Judy..URHHH but really young americans +lion king= undiscribable..it really does... 

So yeah....hahahah I have just rolled up and seen how long this thing actually is!! holy cow! I want for people to read this, and i want you to take away from it the message of the tattoo i got today...and i'm also kinda hoping like my other lion king post it will help you to see the lion king in the way that i see it, and all the beautiful YA and students they taught now see it.... 

Thank you for reading (and i mean REALLLLLYYYY thank you cuz this is freakin huge!) 

PS: picture is of the finished artwork :)  SOOOOOO much love for this :) 

Germany Fall 2011

Ok, so first of all i want to say a MASSIVE thank you to all my stunning readers...nearly 60 views yesterday thank you so much that means alot! :) 
So back to the reason for this blog...I'M GOING BACK TO GERMANY next month and i am so freaking excited for it, and for this to be happening,  I really thought i would not be able to go because of money, and literally just everything sucky that is on this earth!  But then my beautiful host family who i stayed with in August said they really wanted me to go back...and that they would even pay the flights...I literally am so grateful because this something that means the world to me! Otherwise i would have to be waiting till Decemeber and for somewhere that has my heart...Germany is just too far away to be away for more than two seconds! 
So i never ever thought i would be ever doing a young american workshop again, but it turns out i might be as while i am out there, the kids aka (MY LITTLE BROTHER AND SISTER!!!!) i am staying with are doing one, and having homestays...I'm not sure though, I know i didnt really want to do one again but i also know that my beautiful german fam want me to do the workshop...so i don't know i really don't know.. 
All i know is that i am blessed to have this incredible opportunity to go back to Germany again so soon...i can't believe this is happening..the flights are booked and now all i have to do is count down the days...which is actually harder than it sounds for me!!!!

:) 

Learning to love yourself

I wanted to write a blog about a website that has impacted my life incredibly over the past few days, most of all last night, and this website is called www.operationbeautiful.com . It was set up by a wonderful and epicly inspirational woman called Caitlin a few years back ( you can see her entire story on that link above...) I first about this website though a friend of mine a couple of years ago, when i saw the name of the link, i will be honest, i thought it was something for maybe getting free plastic surgey, and that, is the onlt reason i clicked on it in the first place.. If i had known the objection of the site, i would never have bothered..simple as that...

However, when I clicked onto that link, the page was filled with something totally different to what i thought it would be, it was filled full of stories of courage and hope, woman who had come back from the brink themselves thanks to either finding and operation beautiful note somewhere or atleast writing one and in doing so helping themselves. I sat there reading this page for what must have been hours i thought the whole idea was actually amazing and really did cry my eyes out when i read some of the things other woman had been though. So much STRENGTH.

So i actually never took any of that website on board then, i literally hid away from the idea when it come to myself, what i did do however was go on alot of operation beautiful missions spreading the story everywhere i went...until last night.... 

Operation beautiful is freaking awesome and has done so well that it now has a book published, well i bought a copy of that book for a friend of mine who to me, was one of the most beautiful girls i had ever met but who at the same time didn't see herself as beautiful, and because it was cheap i got a copy to read too...well I'd lent that book to my sister and her entire family read it...the loved every single page, and then i of course had read though it doing the same...but then last night i couldn't sleep, so i got this book out again and read it, and i mean really read it, I looked between the lines, and beyond the sentences and words of the pages...I began to cry and realised that all this time i had been obsessing over my image to a point where i was killing myself, literally beating myself to death, over something that unless i'm rolling in it, I'm not gonna be able to change..so i might as well suck it up and get on with it...so from now on I've decided...that ok a may not be able to accept myself, i don't think thats ever gonna happen, but I'm not gonna let it get in the way of going out there and changing the world like i want to do anymore...

Operation beautiful is such a wonderful and amazing website and i strongly urge all my readers to read it... 

xxx

America 2012

America Trip spring 2012, barely into September and i am already freaking out and so full of general excitement, i cannot believe this is real, that this is happening and that I'm going to be seeing some of my friends i haven't seen in years...This is just perfect and i can't believe it's happening to me, i know I'll be in salt lake and Nebraska, and i know i have a long stop over in Atlanta, but there is also new york and southern California which are also possibilities :)  I am just so excited for this! I've never been to America so it's a side of culture i have not yet get to experience, it's certainly getting me on my way to being able to say i have seen to world... 
I have this wonderful friend  and i want to dedicate this blog to her because i don't think this could have been possible without her, its thanks to her that i am going to be getting to see all these places after all! So i met her wayy back in 2006, when i was doing a young American workshop, and the crazy thing about this whole thing, is that after that workshop we lost contact for a couple of years....I am SO grateful that we found each other again on facebook, or it might have been my space i can't remember, but this person..so has CHANGED me so much...so much of my life...has been impacted by what she has told me before and by reading her blog...!
I am grateful for friends like these, I really am, I am so lucky to have so many friends all over the world and by that good friends, people whom i can trust with my life...I am so excited for this, and no doubt my blog will be filled full of love and laughter when i eventually get out there :) 
I CANNOT WAIT FOR AMERICA! xx

Don't try to understand

'Walk blindly into the light and reach out for his hand, don't ask any questions and don't try to understand.'

Ok guys so this is another blog about 9/11, simply because i am crying so hard after watch the news, and seeing how a part of the tower structure has now been put up as a memorial...and to see so many people there, paying there respects to a bit of rusty metal well that broke me...many of them who lost their family members never got a body back, they never got a chance of a funeral...so for them, this is the only thing that is left...to have to sit there looking at RUSTING METAL to feel close to your lost loved one, well thats unimaginable, normally people get a chance at goodbye, even if its just the funeral.
A young woman, who i think was the artist of the piece was talking about it, and explained how it had been left exactly how it was apart from one small part which had been polished...she said that the reflection will give hope, prayer and comfort to those who need it...it will show there is always light when the light reflects upon it...and for that reason i am writing this blog...
A few months ago i wrote a blog about a dance i done  and this the song i done it too, the voice extracts in this are real, very real...ALL to real...i want you to listen to them, listen to their voices...in 5 days time, it will be time to sit in silence and pray for those who lost their lives, and i urge you to also pray for the victims left behind too....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oOW-1OwtCA

I BELIEVE LOVE IS THE ANSWER

'people were on those planes that just began their life...like children...'

LOVE WILL FIND THE WAY

'Walk blindly into the light and reach out for his hand, don't ask any questions and don't try to understand.'...for those who lost their lives i believe they just let go, trying to understand why this happened and and why someone would do such a thing is impossible...i hope you are all at peace... 

For those remaining behind who have lost loved ones, i want more than anything to hold you all and help you understand, but i cannot understand it myself, so i can't...I am sorry though, i am sorry and ashamed for this planet...I just hope you find the comfort within the loved ones you have on earth and within the memory of those departed... 

I don't know why but 9/11 is one of the world events that really has affected me big time so around this time of the year i always get emotional...and always want to write...because i hope that if it brings just one person comfort, that will be enough to help them get through the day... 

Take care, send all my readers hugs xxxx

I believe that love is the answer

'All we do is eliminate our future with things we do today'

So i was going to be writing this blog actually on September 11th and dont get me wrong I still will write a blog then, but i wanted to write another one now because i think i need to, i think it is needed just to get the message across..how much this is affecting people still...
Recently there has been many programs on TV featuring the people of whom the 9/11 attacks have affected and what hurts is that even now...ten years after that pain is still raw...there seems to be only a little (if any) healing going on there...watching people sit there, in front of that TV camera and relive what happened that day...seeing them falling apart before your eyes, The pain of remembering that thanks to that hideous day, they now have to live without their parents, children, spouse, brothers, sisters and friends....anyone...it makes no difference...the pain was etched across their face....Grown men breaking down on TV in front on millions of people just because going back to that day, brings back for them so much heart ache...SO MUCH pain....
I cannot believe still that something like this would happen to the world, and even now ten years on, i watch back on the events being replayed on my screen and i cry, it hurts my heart that people would do such things, i dont know how it can happen, and it makes me so happy that the world pulls together in times like this, however the thing that makes me so sad, is that it takes things like this for the world to pull together.
People should be able to travel by air, or bus, or train whatever, without the constant fear of terrorism..it shouldnt be an issue...since 9/11 the security at airports is retarded...with reason...but it is...that shouldnt need to be that way...there should be a trust between human beings that we can get on a plane together and go to a new world...a different culture without being blown up or drove into a building killing hundreds and thousands of people.... 
Slowly, we are taking away our future, our children's future, all because we can't be a decent human being, in years to come aviation travel will be grounded, as will boats...everything, it will be like going hundreds of years back, and we will not be able to travel anywhere, we will be stuck where we are, all because it's too much of a risk to put a plane into the sky with some of the screwed up people with have living on this planet, there is no excuse for this behaviour apart from people being sick...no excuse whatsoever...
We are throwing away our future, its about time we started taking action, it's bad enough with all the natural disasters going on on this earth without humans adding man made diasters to the mix, we should be helping each other, not adding pain, torture and hurt... 
We need to make a change...before it's too late. 

The lion king

'They live in you, 

They live in me

There watching over

Everything we see

In every creature 

In every star
In your reflection

They live in you'

Lion king thank you, thank you for giving me strength when i feel i'm loosing control, thank you for helping me to write this out in a blog instead of take it out on myself, even though i'm scared because I've never let go this much before. Thank you for changing my life....

Recently i have been feeling like total shit the entire time, and the smallest of things affect me and make me hurt more than what they technically should, and well...today i was sitting on my sofa listening to the usual adele, mumford, rascal flatts etc.... crying, crying so hard, thinking about certain people in my life that i miss...and that have passed away..when the song 'they live in you' from the lion king came on..instantly i felt like this was a connection to my heart...i looked up to the sky and said...I miss you grandad, and for the first time in my life i was able to honestly and generally feel that he was looking down upon me, saying i miss you too. 

I think that the lion king is a wonderful musical and to be looked at for a very different view to the normal 'it's a child's cartoon movie', yes it is, but it has much more depth that that, if you sit there and really listen to the lyrics, and i mean really listen, you will hear the message the entire way though drilled into you, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE..There is always someone there even when they are not their in body, you can generally know that you can look up to the sky and smile and take courage from the people, animals...whatever ANYTHING that has passed away that you once loved...It's helped me recently to understand death, I've had two serious accidents in the past few years, both of which included head injuries and one also neck and back, i am SO lucky to have come out of that alive, spesh coming out of it with the first time..a small bleed and second time whiplash and serious bruising...I could have died, technically the odds of people who have the same accidents say i should have died but yet i'm still here, and I kept thinking why that way and realised it was because of the circle of life...we are born, we live, we die, and there is nothing we can do to alter it, when it is time to be born and die they will happen it's a part of the circle of life...and what the lion king also teaches us, is to make the most of our lives...because we do have some say of the bit in the middle we can choose to LIVE, or we can choose to exist, there is a huge difference... Lion king, you made me realise today i need to stop trying to take my life for granted all the time, and i know that this is not going to change over night but maybe one little step at a time....because i am meant to be here, there must be some purpose and the circle of life will see to it all ok for me...I know it was my granddad's time to go, because his time on (this) earth was up, but, i know now there was nothing i could have done to have changed that..me being with him when he passed away would not have altered that situation, the angles in heaven needed him more than i did, and i believe that now i really do..
Lion king you really have taught me alot and i dont care how cheesy this blog sounds, i hope from reading this someone will now watch the lion king or go see the show and see the real story behind the 'child's Disney cartoon'

'Through despair and hope
Though faith and love
Till we find our way
On the path unwinding
In the circle
The circle of life' 

can we survive it out there can we make it somehow?

So guys, I wanted to write this message to you all, because it really is only starting to sink in now that the best three years of my life have finally come to an end, it's ironic really because this was the day i kept dreaming about for the past year or so, the day when i wouldnt have to go to college anymore, when i wouldnt have to be dancing from 9 right through till 6....those tuesdays fucking killed me! And now it's here and it's september and were not gonna be back together again acting like retards ...

I'll never forget any moment with any one of you, i think, they were such an important part of my life...they changed me so much as a person that i could never forget them...even the not so good ones....
-That time when we drew a little picture for Simon on his board when he went out the drama room
-Andreas the way you used to wind Sarah up in every tap lesson
- WWRY
- Um Carly and Lara tap dance..chirstmas show 2009... need i say more?
- How we ALWAYS used to get told off for eating in class and in the dance studios...
-Or turning up to our dance lessons in the wrong 'attire'
-Or turning up to Julia's lesson minus log books and outdoor shoes still on
-Or in some cases just generally not turning up at all
-KIRSTY'S 18TH!!!!!!!!!!
-Gab's laugh...fucking cheered me up no matter what was going on
-Ellie's constant smile
-Les Mis
-Bat Boy anyone?
-How we always seemed to be the class getting in the most trouble with the teachers...ALL the time...
- how there used to be arguments..stupid ones..but we always ended up in our next class joking about like idiots again
-our 'vocal warm ups'
-Frankie's stories of what he'd been up to (spesh that one up london that time)
-DR Clara...actually maybe you dont want reminding of that one!!!!!
-Our end of year dance shows
-How in the dance show this year a few of us found a box or art things and decided to start painting like 3year olds...as you do backstage...
-That time when stuart was pushed into that bookstand whatever you call it thing and it all seemed to fall apart in s.l.o.w.m.o.t.i.o.n...for those who saw it it really did go slow it was hilerious..
-When the table outside the drama studio got broken and how mad julia got (although with reason)
-The time Andreas got a little over excited in his monolouge and went backwards knocking the piano flying
-how it was always me and carly who got drunk the fastest at parties..and the most drunk actually
if you can think of anymore just add them on... !!!

But literally, you guys are all amazing, and so amazingly talented in what you do, and no matter what your gonna do now...uni, work, gap year, become a bum...whatever I'm sure you will do amazing at it, i just know that for a fact and within my heart. You're gonna be amazing....
This is it guys, the day weve been waiting for no more school, no more college...all of us are finally 18 (yay lara!!!) so offically (although we dont act it) are all adults.I don't really see this as the end at all, because this is all just the start...
Laugh often, Have fun, Learn from your mistakes but live life with no regrets 'forget regret of life is yours to miss'
You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world. ~Tom Brokaw

Thank you for the memories, the laughter and the tears, i love you all...

'It may well be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
SO MCUH OF ME
Is made of what ive learned from you
And you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart'
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnQ8N1KacJc
(thought this would be apt considering the show we done!)

.

And again the plans change...

Right so this proves how organised i am because i now yet again don't have a clue what i am going to be doing for this coming year, i mean i know for sure i will be travelling, but it wont be as much as i thought, i got very very overexcited, and with it, incredibly unrealistic...
Well i guess that new year will happen with my beautiful Kira, and then America will happen but i think Munich I'm gonna leave till next winter now..when i'm abit better and make it a Germany,England,Spain,Italy trip considering Ali will be 21 then it seems right to celebrate!!! :) And of course jazz fest and dinner theatre but that will only be for a couple of days i guess..but im blessed for that... 
I've just been sitting composing a new song today and you know that its really calmed me down, this morning was crazy and i don't know if it was because i had not slept at all of just because of everything else but i was SO SO hyper, i was bouncing, and laughing and acting literally laughing so hard i actually couldn't breathe..then within 5 minutes i was crying...i felt useless...so i decided when all else fails, like i do always, i turned to my music...I was going to dance, but i feel really faint and sick right now so that would NOT have been a good idea so instead i picked up my beautiful guitar and played that instead, after playing a little of already composed and 'out there' music, i got singing my own, so far i have the song, all except the chorus, I'm actually using a poem i wrote briefly and i have one verse in chords...I'll keep this page posted on how that song writing goes! :) xx

How do you measure a year in the life?

journey back...back to only yesterday even though it seems a long while ago for me and i wrote a blog about what i was gonna do with my future as off that moment in time, well, it turns out, none of that is gonna be happening anymore...

I went into college today (well actually yesterday I'm writing this at half five in the morning yet again cant sleep) and spoke to the guy who enrols people upon their courses that they want to study, so this was all going well until he looked at my results from previous exams and shit that i have taken, and it turned out because i had already done, passed and completed as level three course, (A-level) i didn't need to redo GCSE's even though i wanted this more than anything, as they are level two. He said by all means he could enrol me but it would be costing because i would have to pay the fees...which is literally when i lost all hope of that dream right there, spesh when he mentioned £6000 i mean what the hell for GCSE's!?!?!?! not worth my time, I'll just go do a BA at some point in my life, screw that! 

Anyway i was really down about this at first because for the past week or so i was getting it all planned out in my head, so i could feel calmer and not have to worry about my future and what i would be doing with it. I cried..i cried alot (when i got home) because i felt like a total failure, i got good grades in my mocks, but then screwed up and got very ill, had to be in hospital for six months and my results showed it..ok i didn't fail but i wasn't exactly happy...I got it into my frame of mind that i would never amount to anything and never do anything right, and maybe thats true...but just now i was sitting thinking...really thinking..and I've decided to do some travel for a year or so, as, when and if money and everything that life throws allows me to. 

I have this awesome friend called Alaina in who lives in America, and it's basically a LONG story but she has inspired me greatly, to such lengths (i will just write a blog about it later actually) whom i havn't seen in years..five, nearly six to be precise in fact, it will be about six years by the time is see her, and i have always wanted to go out to America and never had the chance so this is it :)  I'm basically gonna go to her hometown (which ive seen pictures of and fallen in love) annndddd i used to be obsessed with mary-kate and ashley, they shot one of their movies there so i really would like to visit it, and hopefully get to hang with her for a few days...that...will actually complete me...

Then i have my fantastic, crazy pro style loser twin, she's actually from Canada but will be over in Munich for a month or so in December and January so I'm gonna get to spend time with her, which i haven't done in over a year, but not before spending new year with my wonderful friend Kira whom i haven't seen in nearly a year, (and that will be over a year by the time the dates come around to go!)... 

Theeennnnnn  in May i'm back over to Germany for jazz fest with me stunning German sis Helen, before coming home for a bit and going out again to my second German family to see the young Americans dinner theatre again...and i mean, they are just the ones that i have set in stone...(in my head anyway) and they are also the ones that HAVE to happen  lol! If i have any money after then i wanna also hop on a plane to Berlin to see my friend there Katja (I LOVE HER SO MUCH) and to Spain with Hannah, maybe a girls holiday and then maybe to Jamaica to see my beautiful friend there, ooohh and photography trip to Norway or Ireland, i mean i don't know, i know not all that will happen this coming year but i want as much as possible of it to!!! Then when im not busy i want to spend all my time volunteering and working with children and old people etc....maybe do some fundraising for help the heroes or something.... I DON'T KNOW.... 

But I do know that this is something I've wanted to do for a long while, just maybe not quite so soon!! But oh well, life throws things at you and you have to learn to cope with it, when push comes to shove you generally can, i will achieve this dream and no one will take that away from me! 

Jungle of depression

In the deep depths of a lonely jungle,

Roots of my life.. pulling me at an alarming rate towards the ground

Down on my knees, I'm giving up this fight.

The more i try to stand, the further it is i sink

I look down and see the quicksand swimming around my feet

I feel a shiver of panic run down my spine...

I want to yell for help, but my voice....my voice, it's as if it's paralysed.

going down deeper wallowing in the depths of my own despair

I'm suffocating, barely breathing, my lungs crushing by the weight of my soul...

But still i close my eyes and called for you a little whisper at first...

I open my eyes look around and don't see you...waiting...praying

Then i take strength from every part of my soul and scream you name..

In the distance I see you, you stretching out your hand..

A lifeline

Hope...

My chance...

Our hands faintly touch a gentle brush of our fingers..before your firmly grasp my hand in yours

For a split second your touch makes my lungs feel with air, i can finally breathe again..

Then in one short sharp tug, your hand you pull away...

You watch me in my panic sinking...falling...until i disappear completely....

Sorry for the total shittyness of what i write.....

Madilyn Bailey

I was randomly browsing you tube tonight and was having a listen to some random cover versions of different songs that were out there, and i came across the wonderful artist! Her name is Madilyn and she literally blew me away, not only does she do cover work but she is also a singer songwriter which makes her even more awesome! One song that i particularly like is In these halls, its about her graduation, the words were bittersweet and they made me cry...
Watching her face you can see she feels the meaning behind every song that she sings, you can also buy her music on you tube if you wanted to :) Here is the link for her you tube page, please go check it out because trust me it will be worth your while.. :) http://www.youtube.com/user/MadilynBailey

When you can't sleep

So here i am, lying awake yet again and letting my mind wander to far away for what is a safe limit. I've not been sleeping recently and it's quite honestly making me feel like total shit, the only time i sleep is where i am conk out on the sofa during the middle of the day because i am so exhausted..Urghh it's just really pissing me off, and considering i only sit on facebook i though i might write a little blog instead.
To be perfectly honest 2011 has not exactly been a good year for me, if possible i actually think it has been one of the worst! and thats saying something. When you get older its harder to make it look like you ok all the time than what it is when your child...and what with turning 19 and having more shit put upon my shoulders it's been pretty rough, and even what job i did do of it was a pretty shit one. This year i have pushed so many people away, so so many and that hurts my heart especially when i thought that person was a good friend of mine...So therefore i'm gonna try and look at 2012 as a new start..LOOK TO THE FUTURE..i mean i could get hit by a bis tomorrow and killed, but it's still good to plan right...!?! I've been thinking about what would be a good new years resolution for this one coming, in the years previous i have normally pissed about and made stupid ones, ones of which i honestly now can say, i had no intention whatsoever of keeping, or even TRYING to keep....I think that one of them though will be to sit and really go though my friends list on facebook and work out who my REAL friends are...the ones who i can rely on, from the ones that are just using me...toss the ones that are not worth it, no matter how much it hurts my heart...but i mean i don't mind to much at the moment i still have a few months left :) As for what i want to do next year, well i don't even have a clue! I can't work right now and i didn't want to be sitting on my fat arse all day long doing nothing so even though ive got my diploma im gonna go back to college and resit my maths GCSE, that one is set in stone if all goes well, and then im debating just taking a few GCSE's with it or to actually take one more GCSE...and an A-level...but i really don't know as thats a level three course and i already have a qualification at that level it wont come cheap because like the GCSE's i have to pay :(
But OH MY GOSH i have so much planned for the year coming soon, for example, i have many trips to Germany planned which i actually cannot wait for! That excites me a little, i know for a fact im going jazz fest again and dinner theatre soooooo ahhhhhhhh :) Then i also wanna get a break away with one of my friends to spain, then a trip to the states annnddd a photography trip to Ireland or Norway with my sister! it's crazy oh man!!!! I think the best thing to do is just take each and every single day as it comes because i cant do anything differ net than that!!!!
Anywho i think im gonna go have a bit of fun on tumblr ive rambled wayyyy to much on here
:) x

upon her skin...

Words etched upon her skin, like a tattoo upon a heart.
Screaming at her 'FAILURE' 'FAT' and 'UGLY','FUCKED UP LITTLE TART'
Telling her she has been fucked up from the beginning .
All alone and crying in her head she can't find her way.
Metal touches skins
blade cuts the pain away
In the flow of red that gathers, with more speed travelling down her arm.
She feels her eyelids drooping, finding peace in herself at last.
The troubles of the past few years, are now faint and insignificant
Her spirit floating above the burden of the body that she once inhabited
She's going now, she's going...To place far away.
I bet you now regret telling her you wanted her dead each day.

A short poem i wrote in awareness of self harm,depression and abuse...please pass on and get the word spread...this is not right and no one from any walk of life should have to deal with it.

Letting go

This is letting go....This is trying to move on from someone who means the world to me...It's trying to accept within the deepest parts of my heart where i have you locked away that you don't belong there anymore...I feel like i'm ripping out a part of my own heart by letting you go, but when everyday your presence is making me hurt more and more what am i really supposed to do?
I believe that love is forever, true love is forever, because trust me when i say that i will always be here for you whenever you need me to be, thats something i believe and something i know i will always stick with. This is not about 'un-loving' its about moving on from something that no good is coming out of..a relationship that is destructive (be it as lovers or just friendship)is not good for no-one and it's just best to move on from it.
Don't get me wrong i wish nothing but the best for you, exactly why i am doing this, not just for myself, but for you too, because in both ways it words i can do better than you and you can do better than me, because we are not for eachother and there are people out there who suit better, once you findd them, surround yourself with them instead. There is no way a persons soul can grow when your stuck fast in a relationship thats dragging you down.
This hurts me so please don't think i am going to walk away from this without no tears, because trust me there will be many, and i'm writing this not even knowing if im gonna be able to follow though with it, because i really cannot imagine my life without you, I'm hoping that by writing it down i will be able to see what is best for us both. I think that, this needs to happen, for the both of us...
So...goodbye, I wish you well and that your life is full of beautiful things and you meet people that are perfect for you and make you happy.
I love you, and that i always will do. This is letting go. x

What is perfection..?

So i just read a friend of mine's blog, and she has just posted a blog about what really is perfection...(btw read her blog her name is Daisy!! trust me!) and it really made me think, i cannot understand my own heart, and why it is that i can read what she wrote and with every fibre of my being understand what she is getting at and where she is coming from, yet at the same time only seem able in my mind to bring these words into context when looking at anyone but myself.

I currently am sitting here crying my eyes out and not sleeping because i have put four pounds on in the past couple of days, and i'm literally in a self loathing stage, to a point where all i am fuelling towards myself is pure hatred...but really, what the fuck does it matter if i'm ten pounds or a thousand pounds...but for some reason inside it does...for any other person i would tell them that four pounds is actually nothing, and i know, that that is right, spesh as i weighed myself just after i had got home from a meal with my friends, i know that im more likely to have put weight on then , but still theres that voice, 'you've put on weight', 'your fat', 'you need to stop now', 'you cannot be happy like this.' and the more i try to push it out, the louder it gets till it's all i can hear... I am sick to death of seeing images in magazines of products offering you the 'perfect' hair or 'perfect' skin...when literally all the models used have been airbrushed to create something so flawless....because it's not real, even though it's teaching our society it is...and i don't know, but i think it's dangerous, alot of young girls these days are ending up with eating disorders and body dismorpher and a host of other body related illnesses, and it needs to stop.

Now Daisy has an incredibly wise head on her shoulders, and she said that we spend forever searching for some kind of perfection, and honestly, she could not be more right, but what happens, at the end of the day when the perfection we are seeking is not even real? because most of it is certainly not. The thing is..people always want what they can't have, so skinny girls would look upon curvy as perfection and vise versa and im not saying thats the case every time, but just most of the time it unfortunately is.

HAPPINESS as Daisy said is what perfection really is, to just be truly happy, that is perfection...

I just worry sometimes that the world is too far along in this built up world it's created to see that...

But for everyone reading this blog i want you to remember THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL in each and every single way possible, and if you are happy, then you a perfect just the way you are, forget your imperfections, flaws, blemishes, your size, weight WHATEVER and remember you individual and a beautiful human being who has been blessed with a chance to live on this beautiful planet...

:)

Ok so i can't copy and paste links :( but I was going to paste daisy's website here!!!! but please please, take a second of your time to read it,...! Her blog really is awesome!

and this link, because i know it off by heart yeyyy :) please everyone check this out too :)

http://www.operationbeautiful.com/

x

A letter home

A little something i wrote though the eyes of a soldier who lost their life in battle....

I was watching over you last night.
I saw that you were crying... that nothing seemed all right.
In your head i felt the hopelessness that was wighing down your soul
All the what if's and maybes, that we'll never get a chance to know.
I desperately wanted to hold you pull you tight in to my arms
Kiss you, tell you that i love you...even though we have to be apart.
Tell my dad that i don't regret it Following in his shoes.
this was my destiny i had nothing less to loose...
I see you you take a sharp breath in and hold it for a while
SILENCE then you break down again all you do is cry
I wish you were able to smile, and be happy for me, i died a hero fighting for my country the best thing that any one could be!
I've thrown away my gun, i'm leaving behind the war, the trouble and the crying, I'm finally free.
You will love it here and when it's your time i'll see you again
But for now i want you to live...remember death is not the end.
Smile, be happy and achieve you goals, never give up, you cannot know what the future holds.
As i leave i slightly brush you on the cheek, your lips begin to smile, and quietly you weep.
Thank you i can feel you, your love is all around.

Make it a better place

'I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those, who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return'
I was just listening to the wicked soundtrack, which i do actually one hell of alot...and i got thinking about a friend of mine who i met totally randomly a few years ago.
So this girl, makes the lyrics to this song so significant...Do you know when you meet someone and the instant they look at you, and speak for the first time you KNOW they are going to understand you and you will be friends? Well this is what happened with this girl. The first time i met her i was crying quite abit...well alot. I was thinking about alot of things and my head was away somewhere in the clouds....she came over to me and asked me for a hug, and let me just explain this...i never let people hug me a few years ago...literally wouldnt let anyone touch me, unless i knew them really well, and from that moment i just KNEW i could trust her with my life and my heart. I don't think she even knew i didnt like hugs...i guess she just saw it in my body language that instant pull back, arms crossed, head down thing i done instantly to try and get away from the situation.
I don't know why i decided to write this blog, but i just felt it had to be done, I want the world to know there is such things as angels...because this girl i'm talking about is one of them.
I love how we sat for hours upon hours just talking about our lives and everything that had happened and the crazy thing was, she had gone though everything i went though, and am going though when she was my age if not more than me...out of all the thousands of random people i could have started talking to, it was her!
Ahhh i cannot even think of the words to write what i want to say, it's one of those annoying situations where you know exactly inside your heart but when out, it just gets lost in a total catastrophe of words and sentences all thrown in together. It's hard to explain because normally in a situation like this i could say oh shes one of my best friends, but shes really not...I love her to death and back and would literally take a bullet for her just to see her smile...so it's not that i don't care either because i REALLY do..i think like for good says, she was brought into my life for a reason, and i really think thats the only way i can describe it. Some people a naturally meant to find each other because they are soul mates and destined to either be lovers or best friend.or sometimes both...then you get the other people we meet, than come in and out of your life...and change you in the most tiny but very significant ways, they do not normally stay long, and theres only SO much they can teach you. Well with this girl is constantly changing me still even years later, thats why i feel so blessed to have her, she really has helped me to grow, and i know that right now im in a fucking crazy mood and all over the place but within that i have reached an inner calm which i had never managed to reach before i knew her...It's an amazing feeling having someone you can talk to who you know is not going to blab it to your circle of friends...because they dont know any of them, and of whom actually understand the situation you are going though.
This weekend i got to spend some time with her after what seemed to me to be years...and it's the caring and how happy my heart felt at that moment, I really do think that talking face to face is much better than over a chat, because more feelings and love can go into it...you can see more what is real, and what is not. I felt so amazed that she even wanted to see me, i am actually an epic fail and normally make everything suck..or at least i think so and thats all that matters to me!!!! It just lifted my spirits up so much and made me feel a million times better about myself..i got home that day and just walked around singing the entire day (namely all RENT) but i was singing all day...something i have not done in a really long while!
So yeah i believe in angels and i believe that people come into our lives for a reason, i want for everyone who reads this to say hello to everyone and get to know everyone at every opportunity you get..because you never know who can change you life...if you had told me a few years back i would meet someone who changed me and would even give me a reason to live when i was suicidal, i would have laughed in your face, but now...i believe in the things unseen...the little things that draw people together and help to make them and (hopefully in time) the world a better place.
Thank you for reading.

london riots!

Ok, so this is a blog i was meant to write ages ago and i'm really sorry i never got around to it! I have just been so busy that it's crazy and when i have had the time i have not been in the right place within myself to be able to sit down and write about something the moves me so much.
The first thing i head about the riots in London we as i stepped off the plane landing back in England and my friend text me to say that i should get back on the plane because i would not like what was happening...by the time i got into passport control area i knew that there were fights, i knew there were fires, but nothing prepared my eyes or heart for what i saw on the news screen above me..London...our country was literally a ball of flames...the first feeling a felt was anger, the pure hatred for people who would do something like this and then i cried, i cried like a fucking baby, i hated it because everyone was looking at me...in my heart i couldnt believe that what they were watching on the news did not seem to bother them in the slightest, I even overheard one woman saying to her husband 'well as long as it does not come near us i couldn't care less'
Here's the thing..lives were lost over the time that the riots reigned our streets, building burnt down, people lost their homes, their possessions, their jobs...everything...I simply could not understand what all of this fighting would even solve in the first place...In my eyes, it made everything a millions times worse. People were saying it was because of the recession and how much money the government is taking off of them, but for fucks sake how many millions of pounds in damage did you cause which now has to be cleared up, repaired, or replaced.?
The children growing up now are our future, they are the ones who need to keep this planet going when we are gone...for our children..and our children's children...for our friends, family, and many other generations to come. They are the ones who you will rely upon when you grow old (assuming theyll be a planet left the way you are going), so it's about time to start giving them a chance of a future, otherwise we have no hope. How can it be right to teach them that it is ok to go out and set fire to things? how is it at all ok to teach our children if they want something they can just take it? They need to learn that in life some things are worth fighting for, otherwise they are not going to be getting anywhere.
Then theres not to mention the global warming aswell, the fumes going into the sky, the pollution, and petrol needed to fuel the police cars etc...the water needed for the fires....fresh water that could be going to the more needy...the trees being cut down to create new buildings....its ridiculous...
England you need to sort it out, look what you are doing to our country, you dont realise what youve got till its gone, and once its gone well your pretty much screwed arnt you?

Germany Day Six...

So today i woke up majorly sad because it was my last and not even full, day in Germany and that made me really sad..i really did not want to go back to England. My beautiful little brother woke me up early as Janine had to go to school this day and i sad that i wanted to go with her, trust me when i say it actually FUN there (spesh when you can just piss about and don't have to work!) i think it's the best way in getting to know what life is REALLY like in Germany...anyway, my mom had to work which meant that i had to say goodbye to her then i wouldn't get a goodbye that evening :( So i went into school and lasted till i think about 1pm before i went home to crash out, i'd literally had no sleep the night before. By the time i woke up it was like 4pm and and it was getting ready to leave for the airport time!

I think that the airport i was fly from (Dortmund) was actually one of the smallest i have ever flown from (with the exception of weeze) but yet i managed to get majorly lost and was walking back and forwards looking for my gate for ages, i ended up having to ask one of the police officers for directions, and he simply laughed at me, the amount of times i travel, and the amount of much larger airports i fly from, and i HAVE to get lost at this one!.

So when i boarded the plane i was the first one on, and this made me really happy because it meant that i got the seat i wanted :) but it didn't stop me crying my eyes out as the plane left, my heart was breaking literally, into tiny pieces, the thought of leaving such a wonderful place hurt my heart.

Getting off the plane i was confronted with all the riots in England (I'm going to write a blog about that ASAP) but like seriously? I wanted to get back on the plane there and then, I'd just landed from the most beautiful country in the world and back here, welcome back to hell.

Germany Day Five

Day five, is the day i think, that captured my heart more than any other day that i had been in Germany this time, we went back to a little area which was another part of Herkules but this time it was like the little forest nearby to it. Walking along a little path all i could hear was the delicate noise of water falling, i don't mean the Niagara falls, i mean literally just a little gentle noise, a peaceful kind, that feels any one's heart with hope...Janine led me up some steps and i turned to see the most beautiful sight i have ever witnessed in my entire life, there was this amazing little water fall, nestled in amoungst the trees, across the little stream was small rocks to use as stepping stones, it was like a complete back to nature experience and it was perfect :) I don't think that there was ever a moment where i put my camera into my bag, because there was never a moment i spent there NOT seeing something beautiful that i wanted to take a photo of, i took over a hundred that day !. I felt free, sitting on a large rock looking down to a beautiful waterfall and stream, NATURE everywhere and i never wanted to leave, i could have sat here for the entire day if i was able to...just wow...simply wow...After sitting taking in the peace and entire freedom of this beautiful place (thanks to me maybe for a little bit longer than everyone else wanted)we decided to go for a walk though the trees, which of course, for me, meant making friends with them! I have a tree in England whom i try to go and visit alot of the time and to give a hug to, i know most people think i'm insane i know that because of the looks i get! but i really do believe that the trees feel that, and they feel love and it makes them happy! After all the they have to be loved, if it was not for them we would not even be able to breathe! I saw this tree and more than any other tree i felt drawn to that one! and sat wanting to hug it for hours, so now, that tree, is my tree in Germany, i now have a reason to need to go back to this beautiful place often and hug this beautiful part of the earth! I was actually fairly said to leave despite being there for so long!

After popping back into Kassel for even more ice cream (yes again it is just so yummy!!!) and after also having an allergic reaction to this tiny bit of chocolate (wonderful), i was asked if there was anything else i wanted to do as it was my last full day in Germany, i said, i wanted to hang out with some horses, soooo we went back home for abit so i could take my medication to help bring my breathing back to normal, i felt so lucky it was only a little bit! oh chocolate if you had ruined my stay in Germany i would have killed you! Then my wonderful friend Nadine knocked on the door i was so freaking happy to get to see her one last time let me tell you! it practically completed me to a point where there was no going back, i wanted to cry, i was trying so hard not to cry, it was perfect.! Ok well after that we hopped in the car and drove to this beautiful little yard not too far from where we lived, the second i opened the door i got greeted by a beautiful little dog called Luna who was all over me saying hello, i thought it was so cute! And as for the horses...well! they were wonderful! there is something about being around horses that puts this smile on my face to a point where i cannot feel sad, and this was certainly how i felt being here, there was this beautiful little four month old foal who was so interested in everything, i went to give him a little stroke on his nose and never left!!! bless his little heart he kept me there for about an hour! everytime i tried to walk away his beautiful little eyes, chocolate color but deep at the same time drew me back, he kept giving me little kisses, including my face and arms, so in the end i was totally covered in all this wonderful baby horse slobber, then i was over with this cute little tiny pony who also decided he wanted to suck on my face so i had all that wonderful slobber too! but you know what i really didnt care i was just so freaking happy....this day well...it was just perfect, i think maybe althoghter with my camera and my dads camera we took about 500 photos...certainly a fair few of them are going to be printed off for my bedroom!

Germany Day Four

After last night i was totally pooped as was my whole family, so we spent the day sleeping in late! After waking up we sat down for breakfast, (again German food is very yummy and i must have eaten SO much haha) we decided to just have a lovely day hanging around together and taking. Our mom went into town and loaned out a few signstar games whilst i stayed behind and had a shower, and so by the time she came back i was in my pajamas laying on the sofa with a good book and green tea! I actually love singstar! Spesh when you are singing German songs, and songs you do not know, literally it get hilarious. Some of the things that we sung well...it helped me concrete my proof that i really am SHITat learning German and reading it even!

After our evening meal we jumped in mom's car for the 15 minute drive to pick up Tessa so she could stay the night with us aswell :) Mom calls us both her 'homestay daughters' so i feel totally at home and at peace there and I love how Tessa just fits right in because she is crazy too! So Tessa was going on about that face she needed to take a shower and Jan was at the same time going on that he wanted for to sing, I, have never sung in front on Tessa before so i was like OOOOHHHHHH MY GOOSHHHH!!!!! trust me when i say i cannot sing, i literally have never heard anyone as bad as me in my entire lifetime!!! So i told her to go take a show while i sing, otherwise she would sing with me, so there i was singing ( a very bad) version of Adele, which kind of frustrates me because i love her music and her and i feel bad for ruining her music! When i finished i turned around and saw that Tessa was sitting on the of sofa like 'woooo!!!!' so i could have killed her...i raced after her to grab her and forgot i had socks on and on the floor nearly went flying, when i finally reached her she had locked herself in the shower...DAMN! I actually loved every moment of this evening, it was just like a night in with my mom, dad, sisters and brother and It was literally perfect...it didnt matter that we were not out, and the we were not spending money, because i was with the people i loved and cared about! I actually love Germany way too much!!!

Germany Day Three

So today was the only day i was dreading in Germany, and the only day we already had plans for so we couldnt do anything else. Months and months back the Young Americans said they were going to be doing a dinner theatre in Germany, and at the time i was a little excited, i mean that i had always wanted to see the show in Michigan but never had the time nor money to get over there, nor would i survive the flight without freaking out, so this, then, seemed a good opportunity, so many of my friends were asking if i wanted to go with them. Then something happened a little before i was going but by then i already had my ticket which was 69 euros, plus my entire host family's tickets...it was alot of money to just throw away because i didnt want to go, i coundlt do that to my host family and quite honestly i didnt even get the guts to bring it up till the night before where i was panicking so much i didnt have a choice but to come clean!

ANYWAY, the dinner theatre was in this beautiful town called Bad Karlshafen, which i have always wanted to visit, so that made me excited a little. i had a friend there who i would be seeing at dinner theatre, so the whole idea of this made me happy, We spent the day looking around the Town and taking pictures, we were at one point going to swimming but thanks to my wonderful hair still turning bright orange and leaving bright orange streaks everywhere when wet, we decided against that! When it came to getting ready for dinner theatre we popped into the toilets of the spa, to get dressed then headed back out into the parking lot like idiots to get our make up done :) My host family went camping alot so they had a huge camping mirror in the back of their car, thank god! because i think that otherwise i would have literally died! Half hour later my make up was on and i was in a bad mood because i was having a really ugly day and looked uglier than ever, so i decided that i would just breathe, and get my hair done...my hair is naturally curly so i brought some moose with me, a little of that and bang my hair is up, only it was actually hairspray, and i didnt have time to wet my hair and dry it...so i got my straightens out and went to head back into the spa and beg them if i could use them to re go over my hair because it was looking awful and i couldn't curl it, then i realised that i didnt have adapter plug and literally burst into tears, i took this as a sign that the rest of the day was going to go just as bad...

When we walked into the dinner theatre however the whole atmosphere totally made me feel better, this wonderful guy called Sam came over and asked me if i wanted a drink, after he handed me the menu i realised how scared i actually still was because i was shaking so hard, i said 'oh just get me champagne' not realising that i would actually not be able to hold that i was shaking so much, even though my fam thought it was funny..!!! A friend of mine/aquatince whatever, then came over to me, and for the first part that was sufficiently awkward because i didnt exatly know what to do.. (i get like such a klutz in some situations) and i previously thought they had not wanted me there so it was hard for me, but i think after a few glasses of chamange i was ok again :) I was still shaking so hard when i went outside to smoke, still a little scared and realised just how many cigarettes i had got though in that day, i felt awful it was a crazy amount and not like me at all, ever!!! I guess its because i was always trying to have a cigarette in my hand so i didn't have to go inside. I'm happy i finally calmed down though, because the show was fucking amazing, and defiantly worth every single penny (or cent in the case) that i payed for it. I could have literally gone back every night and seen it over and over again and I dont think i would have got bored of it at all. I would recommend the show to anyone even if you are not into the performing arts because you would actually love it! I felt blessed by the end of the night, but tired, and i think because of how stressful the whole day had been, i got a huge headache....i slept in the car the entire way home (with a pit stop the throw up (classy) ) then got into bed and slept again, but it was a wonderful day...my host family said we are 100% going to do the same next year so another blog to come in a year or so!!!! :)

Germany Day Two...

I woke up this morning feeling more excited than i have ever been before in my entire lifetime! I have this wonderful friend called Nadine and i have known her since 2006, in 2007 she was meant to be coming over to stay at my house in England with another beautiful friend of mine Ines, and she ended up in France at the time...so you can imagine, this was a pretty exciting moment for me and i was freaking out ohhhh just a little bit :) We spoke on the phone and decided that we would meet at city point in Kassel...so again this made me even more excited because i had wanted to go there for ages! It was so amazingly hot this day so we decided as we got there early to have a little walk up the street before going for a cool drink somewhere nice :) Tessa got a call from behind and her mom was walking up with her little baby sister, i literally was SO happy because i wasn't planning on getting to see her yet, and let me tell you, that she was the cutest baby i have ever met in my entire life. That kid never stopped being happy and the smile never went from her face it made me heart smile even more, looking back on the pictures of me holding her..well the smile never once goes from my face, that baby was adorable..it's babies like her who gave whitney the reason to quote 'i believe the children are our future'.

So anyway, after (sadly) having to give that wonderful little baby back to her mom, we went on to find a place to get a drink, we were actually amazingly lucky as we found a beautiful little place right outside where Nadine and I were meeting, a little open cafe :) it was peaceful to sit there and the fountains, they remind me so much of dancers, free and flowing.... Then i saw Nadine, i could not be happier, finally seeing her, well my heart was leaping all over the place and going crazy :) We had a little look around the shops and bought some beautiful matching braclets :) then when Tessa rejoined us we went and bought something to eat and sat on some steps in the sunshine talking about life, moments and memories that have been important. :)

We then ate some more of the wonderful German ice cream, ( i literally had it every day btw just to warn you in advance im that obsessed) before getting into the car and driving to visit Herkules, when we pulled into the parking lot i actually couldn't see anything, and i thought it was something (in my dumb child way of thinking) to do with the Disney movie and that we were going to watch it on a big screen or something, however when we came to the top of the hill i was met with the most beautiful sight of my life, i remember many of my friends saying that this was one of their favourite places in the world and now i could see why, i didnt know what it was called at the time, but i had saw enough pictures to recognise it, i must have spent maybe two hours just walking down this monument, just to stop everywhere and take pictures, from every angle there was a new and beautiful photo opportunity and i just loved it so much :) I think that because there was not much rain recently the pools only had a little water in them, so i was able to take my shoes off and climb in and take more photos, i felt blessed to be in this place, feeling the water between my toes and looking out to the entire city in the horizon. MAGICAL!

When we reached the bottom there was a little restaurant where we stopped to grab a little something to eat and drink before making our way back up again, and ok so that bit was maybe NOT as fun, i felt like i was dying haha!!!!! but oh my gosh what a wonderful day. I was happy to have also got to spend it with Nadine aswell :) Yayayayay

Germany Day One

On my first morning in Germany i actually woke up super early and there was no one up, ( i think when your waking up at three am that is normally the case!) So i got up a read for a little bit, went on the computer, then tried to sleep again, i got to sleep late so by the time i got up again i was crazy tired! This day was pretty relaxed and we were home alone, just me and my beautiful brother and sister, i said i wanted to just simply see their town and Germany so we took a walk around the town and over to the park...all i can say is that it really is the most beautiful little town i have ever seen in my entire life, it is one of those places you look at and think 'GERMANY' instantly. When we got the park there was this beautiful little pond/lake where some ducks were swimming about happily...(like i would be in that country!) Our wonderful mom had given us a bag full of bread to feed them so we found a little area to sit and throw bread to them, i loved how there were little rocks dotted around this side of the lake, not big enough to obscure the view, but big enough to sit on comfortably...

After we ran out of bread i decided i wanted to go on the playground area and get to act like a big kid again, i literally felt so free, i climbed on this swing closed my eyes, and BAM, no matter what was going on it was not significant anymore to me. and even then when it started to rain a little, we sat in a little house and just laughed and had a good time, something simple, made me feel so happy!

After about five minutes the rain had stopped so we decided to walk home and meet up with a friend of Janine's called Tessa, who was meant to be meeting us in the park but had got on the wrong bus and become lost! haha. So we went home and waited there while her grandparents dropped her off at house! Janine then asked if we should go get some ice cream and let me tell you i have never been so excited in my entire life! Trust me if you have been to Germany and had their ice cream you would know WHY i was so excited! I didn't have any in the fall and winter when i was in Germany, nor did i have any in June so i was so happy to get to have some again, it really is the best ice cream you could possibly ever try!

So after that with a full up belly we went home, and i curled up on the sofa with a cigarette and German beer which i dont normally drink in England but in Germany its just too good!!!!!!

Slightly excited for the week ahead.

KASSEL GERMANY

So yesterday i flew back home after one of the most wonderful weeks of my life, i cannot believe how beautiful Kassel is and that i have never visited that part of Germany before. I am quite lucky because i have a few friends living in this area so i can really bunk down with any of them, as they are always offering me places if i need a place to crash anyway!

This time though i was staying with the beautiful Falkenau family in Hessen, when my flight touched down in Dortmund i was completely exhausted and also a little nervous as i'd only met this family once before and i was scared they would end up changing their mind about having me stay. The instant i walked though arrivals though i knew i had nothing to be scared of, i was greeted with warm and smiling faces and a hug, I got told, 'Welcome back to Germany my beautiful daughter' i couldnt have been or felt anymore happier if i had actually tried...on the drive home (160km oh man) i thought i would fall asleep but i felt so awake and was able to laugh and joke with the family, despite there being a language barrier. The best thing was arriving at their house to find they had decorated it all up for me, i had been given my own room, my own computer, and a little table full of yummy things to eat and drink! I instantly felt a part of their family..! We all sat around to a meal which my wonderful host mom had cooked and they asked me what it was i wanted to do that week as apart from friday we had nothing planned, and i remember that all i could think was, I AM IN GERMANY! I DONT NEED ANYTHING ELSE!!!! Then we had to go to be because it was really late, but i know i was laying there for hours, having to pinch myself that this was real...it felt just too good to be true! I have too much to write in one blog so i will actually do this over a few blogs :) one for each day :)