...........

I just found out my godfather died Wednesday..
It got me thinking..about life, about the fragility for it, how easily it can be given, but yet, how easily it can be taken away.
It's ironic that things happen when you least expect it, and to the people you least expect it to, but then i guess that's life, and it's complexity.
I think theres no such thing as, 'it was not meant to happen though', life happens for a reason, things happen for a reason..EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
If there is a train or plane crash, and you were meant to be on it, then believe that you did not get on that plane or whatever for a reason. However it should make you realise how precious your life is, you should make something of it, make something of what you've been given.
It's just a thought...

wondering...

I hate feeling like this.
That feeling I've done something wrong, and even worse the feeling that your lying to me when i ask if your ok.
We used to be best friends, more like sisters, even twins...
and now...well everything has changed...
I can't talk to you like I used to, it hurts like hell, you were one of the people i was closest too, i mean, i could always be myself around you, i never had to hide who i was or pretend to be a different person to what i really am.
Maybe i am being paranoid i don't know, maybe i am being really stupid but i really have this feeling that what i think is true, is true.
I wish i knew what happened and what made everything change so suddenly. i sometimes wish i had not come to visit you the last time, because sincce then, everything has become fucked up.
Oh i don'tknow...i wish things were differnet..
and maybe just maybe, i wish i was not so paranoid!

A little love ♥

I really do not understand this world sometimes.

I'm sitting here wondering why people have to die, just to stand up for peace, just to stand up for everyone being equal.

Why is this whole world so greedy, so consumed with utter power. Where there is a need for power, there is never going to be a chance of peace, it just cannot, and will not happen.

Replace power, replace hate with love.

Real love and i mean REAL, TRUE love, can overcome anything that life throws at you.

The world should not be about what you own, but more about who you have.

Why should some innocent person die, over an argument of something so so silly like land ownership...

SHARE

LOVE

GROW

There is enough to go around for everyone, if people just learn to share. Some people may have much more than they need to survive, things that we would call luxuries, but then at the same time there are people that have nothing near what they need. How about giving a little to them instead.

It just makes me cry, to think there are people dying out there, people who don't even have a glass of clean water, yet in England we have all the drinks we could possibly ask for, i just don't understand it.,because we still take that for granted...every single day..

I want the world to be as one, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE, take love, give love, breathe love, achieve love

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Love is all you need ♥

Learning to let go....

Sometimes, life gets really hard..real real hard, and so amazingly complicated, and i find myself wondering, is there really any point in this at all.

Yesterday i quit college, i literally had had enough of it, and determined i was that i would not go back. I still agreed to meet with one of my tutors to talk about my options, and so, therefore i am now going to finish this course off...there is only four months left now, and i come out of it with a diploma...so i might aswell go for it right? If not thats three years wasted for no reason whatsoever.!

I guess that my ultimate goal in life is to touch and heal as many hearts and lives as i possibly can, and i want to do that though the beautiful world of dancing. I ultimately NEED this diploma if i want to get anywhere in the dance world.

Dance, just means so much to me, its what i do when i am happy, and when i am sad. I would simply love for the entire planet to get a chance to dance..to be able to open a dance school and give very cheap or even free dance lessons to the under privileged people would be literally a dream come true, and yes ok it might not work for everyone, but if it prevents just person being killed on the streets by knife crime, then surely it is worth it right. I think maybe its not a matter of doing it because it's fun, but doing it because there is nothing else to do. What example is that to our children? Is it not so much better to have all those teens dancing together, than stabbing each other on the streets.

THE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE, and it is us they look to for hope, courage and inspiration, and we, as adults, need to give that to them. They will be the ones looking after us in our older years, we must teach them well, and that there is other alternatives to hanging about in the streets causing trouble.

I guess that sometimes, no matter how hard things get i just need to learn to let go, and not worry about what other people think, nor what i think about myself. It's about proving myself and other people wrong. I wanna help make a future, and being a quitter, is not going to get me anywhere now is it.?

STRENGTH

HOPE

PASSION

BEAUTY

LOVE

Friday dancing ♥

I wish i could be more confident in myself.
I wish that i could walk into a class and be able to perform or do whateverto my hearts content without worrying about what people think of me.
I hate myself for it and hate is such a strong word i know but when want so much for the world, but cannot bring myself to do it..
I struggle to accept who i am.

Today in my urban dance class we were dancing 'locking' which is a form of urban dance. I really more than anything wanted to jump in with both feet and my heart and dance till i couldn't dance no more.
Something was stopping me though, there was a constant voice in my head saying i looked stupid and could not dance this style of dance. and no matter how much my teacher told me i was doing it fine, i just could not believe her. I felt stupid.

Why can i not just take my way of thinking about others and use it to believe in myself to...
urgh.

Imagine & Let it be

Today i was again listening to music (as always) and yet again listened to the songs Imagine and Let it be.

It got me thinking of an idea. That maybe i should combine both the songs, into a lyrical based number. The songs, well, they have such a deep meaning for me, they mean so so much, and i wanted to share that with the world but really didn't know how. Which is how the idea came into my mind.

I love dance, more than almost anything in this entire universe, and more than just dance, i love to dance to a song that has meaning, and i love dancing freely, being able to express myself however i want to though the music and the lyrics.

So that's my plan for the next few weeks...

I LOVE to dance i really really do, and I'm proud to be a 'dreamer'. So what better way to show the world than combining them together?

A precious young soul ♥

I just watched a video of a young girl aged nine, performing a lyrical dance to 'Let it be'.

Such a small person, yet so much passion, so much hope, so many dreams for herself, and for this planet we live on.

I wanted to write this blog because that is the one little thing that made my day, It made me feel such a array of different emotions.

HAPPY

SAD

THOUGHTFUL

INSPIRED

HOPEFUL

TOUCHED

BLESSED

THANKFUL

I shed a few tears, by a few i mean alot. I have never before seen a girl THIS young be such a good model to other people, even those much older than her!

She is a great credit to this earth and to this planet and we should feel blessed to have her and people like her in it..

It gives me hope that there will be a future for the children that there will be a light amougst the darkness.

This one, young small soul has provesd that to me.

If only the whole world would think the same way as this young heart. The world really would be SO AMAZING.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but i am definatly not the only one

Blessed so so so blessed......

It would be better....

Ok so this is a poem i wrote about my friends 'self harm' problem. She said that her blade was her best friend sometimes. So i've tried to write that in aswell :)

I think it's really important people understnad she is not just crying for attettion, i mean only a few of us know...

A river of deep blood red

Running down my arm

Why can they not understand,

By this i mean no harm?

It makes me feel much better

It sorts out my head

Takes away my pain

Plauges my arm instead

I pick up the gleaming silver

Sometimes he's my best friend

I hold him to my forearm

For my hurting he will tend

Slowly he opens up my pain

I see it all run out

All the anger and the crying

No more need to scream and shout.

One day maybe i'll go to far

Maybe i'll cut to deep..

But in the end does it really matter

I'll no longer have to weep

I REALLY do not care

It would be better if i died

Everyone would be so much better off

If i were not alive

:Alone

A poem to maybe help people understand that sometimes depression is not a cry for attention but a genuine and serious illness which should be thought about and not just thrown to the side. I hope by reading this poem people realize that their friend might have a problem and that they get help before it becomes to late.




:Alone

I feel so scared
locked in a box and all alone
no where to turn to
nowhere to go.

I want someone to save me
But no one understands
I want someone to run to
Someone to hold my hand

I wish i didn't feel
so bad like this all the time
the never ending crying
the constant self denying

Falling apart slowly
In time i will be gone
I don't think anyone will notice
It's much to far along

Everybody hates me
I know they want me dead.
If i was gone
They would be better off they said

They say thats in my head
And that feeling is not true
They say love and they care
But where were they speak to?

I wish i was a different person
I hate feeling this way
living in this nightmare
every single day

One day soon i will be gone
Then maybe they will understand
When i said i needed help, it was true
For this day a long time, I've had planned.

Little Girl

Little girl

I see who you are

You put on a smile

But your falling apart

I wish i could hold you

And help you to stand

But you just run away

As fast as you can

Into the abyss

Of another far off world..

Your dying slowly

Little Girl

I hope one day you'll wake up

And see the true beauty

of your heart, of your spirit and soul.

That you step out of your own world...

Where your alone ,afraid and so cold.

Little girl

I wish you could see

Little Girl

The one who is me.

Sometimes i wonder why I bother...
I'm fed up of the friendship always being what you want it to be, and not what it should be.
I love how i always have to be there for you the entire time, but then, if i were to have a bad day, you walk in the opposite direction and ignore me.
I really thought friendship was about being there for eachother, about a connection that no one else can see.
I wish i could make you understand, maybe you do not realise you are doing it, but it's just not fair on anybody. You pick and choose everyday and forget about everybody else. That is not, in any sense what friendship is about.
I want you in my life, i love you and think you are such an amazing person, however, i think you just need to think, sometimes you don't realise how much you can hurt people by your actions.
What is sad, is that when i first met you, you were a WONDERFUL friend. It seems like you just get bored of people then cannot be bothered anymore.
I can only think of that one fault with you..just one...
Your gonna lose friends if you keep on the way you are.
I don't want that for you, I want you to be happy and enjoying life. But until you open your eyes. You stand the risk of losing alot of the people 'you love'
Just warning you thats all x

Come walk with me

I want you to come and take a walk with me, walk this planet earth, and appreciate the beauty in the little things you would normally never notice.
I want you to see the trees breathing, in and out, in and out. I want you to see the life that they bring to us...for without them, the human race would not exsist. Give them a hug, thank them for this life and for allowing us to breathe.
Walk barefoot though the grass, feel it between your toes and underneath the soles of your feet, this is our world, our home, a beautiful place.
Notice the animals going about their lives all around you, and at the same time , notice the people.
Give the the poor, help each other out, we are all living under the same sky and deserve to be equal, the things that you do in your life time, well they really can be insignificant sometimes, but remember as Ghandi once said, it is ALWAYS important that we do them.
Throw a penny coin into the fountain and make a wish, take a chance, you will never know what could be if you do not try. Anything is possible, any dream thats dreamed can come true, it just takes a lot of hard work, courage and determination. Sometimes you will go back two steps, but then walk forward a hundred. Keep pushing and striving for the dream for you can only fail if you do not try.
Stand on the edge of infinity and look out with pride, what is out there, well thats you choice, so choose to make it something amazing, something beyond what you could ever imagine. The sky is not the limit, as there are footprints on the moon.
Come take a walk with me

I want you to let it be

&& When the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on till tomorrow let it be...

If it was possible to play a song to much, then in the past few days i have certainly over played this song! To write a blog about it was something i have been debating, but i decided i should do it. What do i have to lose?
Sometimes, and now even more than ever, i have had trouble acccepting things., maybe it rained on a day i was going to be going outside, or i would hurt my leg and not be able to go to the stables or dance, when i wanted to do that more than anything at that particuar moment in time...or maybe i lost someone...death is such a complicated thing to understand when it happens to someone you love.
But the title of the song caputred my heart and i decided if anything would inspire me to change it would be this song...the constant repeat of 'let it be' echoed in my mind long after i had played the song...

'LET IT BE'

What could that mean?

Well to me it meant life..simply life.. Your destiny, as much as you can change it, can not be controlled, things happen, sometimes things that are not that good...but you really do have to let it be. At the end of the day, it is most likley that you have gained something from this experence. speaking words of wisdom. You really do learn from everything that happens in life, even the most insignificant of things.
Let it be is such a precious song, 'there will be an answer'...so i try not to give up hope...let it be and you will find an answer...
THERE WILL BE AN ANSWER LET IT BE..
I hold on to that and just live for the moment...tomorrow is another day...why worry about it now...
Trying.
Hoping.
Letting it be.

A special soul

I just wanted to write a blog, about a special friend of mine, just because more than ever, they deserve this.

A few days ago, i was having a really hard time, all i wanted to do was cry and i felt like giving up completly. I sent a messagee to this person, asking them if they could come online so i could talk to them, at the time, it was 11pm, this person came online, and in a instant, i felt better.

They spoke to me and listened to everything i had to say, and what was even more beautiful, was that they listened to what i did'nt say. I totally lost track of time, and before i realized it, it was 3am in the morning!

I wanted to share with the world, how blessed i am to have such a wonderful friend in my life.

I learnt how alike we really were, i found i could talk to them, and not be afraid of being judged.

They have such a warm open heart

They heal the world without even realising they are doing it, and thats amazing, so precious. I

wish there were more people on the earth like them, and then the world would be a much better place.

They give me a reason to believe every day of my life and for that i am enternally grateful :)

Sometimes

Sometimes, I just want to run away..
As far as i can go, and never come back...
Sometimes i get the feeling that the entire universe is upon my shoulders.
And as i try to walk i fall..
But then i find the strength from within
The voice that tells me to keep trying
Telling me nothing will ever be perfect
But that if i just learn to stand
I will be ok
My only goal is just to be....

Skins- London ♥

On thursday Charlotte and I went up to London so Charlotte could auditon for the TV programme skins (for those who don't know what that is, you just need to know, it's pretty much amazing) . Anywho...on the way to the station in the car we got lost which was not a good start...but then no ones fault...
When we got to the station and Charlotte went to get her ticket, the lady selling it asked 'auditon?'. However she thought it was for something like Britians gor talent. And it was stupid but just made me smile to see someone working there who was so friendly, open bubbly and chatty..happineesss :::)))))
When we got to the station at the other end, we literally got totally lost and did not have a clue where we was going, on our lost travels...we met a really awesome girl called Danni and this guy called Aaron..who were alos going to the skins auditon, and of whom were also, lost...hahaha :) We must have been walking for nearly an hour. Aaron map in hand trying to figure out just where we was actually meant to be going. Finally we decided that it would be easier if we actually asked someone if they knew where to go, then about half hour later, after walking in the direction we had been pointed in, we finally found where we was suppossed to be all along..what good times :)
Then there was the endless queue outside for hours...but apart from that a good day..
I love meeting new people in such random situations, spesh when they are so nice, jsut so chatty, and we got on right away.
Never before have I seen Charlotte work like she did that day, i am so amazingly proud of her, shes wonderful, and inspires me greatly!!
Love you girl!! xxxxx

Strong, when i am on your shoulders ♥

Today i just got back from what i think is one of the best 'class' riding lesson i have had in a long time...
I was having a major fat day again, and normally i get put on all the smaller ponies that have a much smaller weight limit..such as 8 1/2 - 9 stone...I literally felt that if i went on them today i would kill them so i asked if i could go on a bigger horse, when Chris said go on Charlie i was so happy as i haven't ridden him in a long while, apart from on private lessons...

First of all i had to find someone to actually help me get him out his stable, because hardly no-one will go near him for it...(he can bite, as i once found out)..then we had trouble with his saddle, not being far up enough to the withers etcetc, by the time i actually got into the lesson it had started ten minutes beforehand so i was really happy with him when he worked hard right from the start in his warm up to keep up with the other ponies and horses...
I never realised how much more of a forward going pony he is when he is in a class. i had to work much harder on my aids to keep him from going off on me!! Which he still done a few times when the horse in front went forward to canter! At one point i literally had to just let him go as it was impossible to stop him...

I loved spending abit of time with him again today :), i find he helps to improve my riding, as he is so bouncy i have to make sure he is checked back in trot before sitting otherwise i would be all over the place, i also need to make sure my aids are correct for going into a canter, otherwise he simply will not move...

He taught me alot and thats why i would like to write a little blog about him to let everyone know just how wonderful he really is!!!!

On a sad note i would like to say that Sadie and Valley passed away this week, Sadie was getting very old, and when i heard earlier on this week, it did not come as too much of a shock, However I still cried as she was a good all rounder, who has managed in her life to teach SO many adults and children basic riding, and ground work. Valley passed away on friday just after a X country course, i take comfort in the fact that as she has a heart attack it would have been quick, she would not have known..Valley is a special horse as i had my first ever riding lesson on her at eastminster back in 2005...

Both will be missed.....
Always in my heart


Free from hunger and pain
Their spirits are free
Until we ride again xxxx

Operation Beautiful

Yesterday, Charlotte and I went around balsidon park sticking notes everywhere, to inspire, give hope and change lives.
With our inspiration coming from a wonderful site called operation beautiful, we must have wrote about 50 notes to put up everywhere...
Little quote lines such as
'I believe in you'
'Be the change you wish to see in the world'
'Who's to say the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon?'
'Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes'
'Be your own sunshine when the sky is too cloudy'
And so many others...

It's about believing in the other people that live in this earth, the main area we decided to go to was an area which many troubled teens hang out and go to cause trouble...this could be because the are lost, confused and feel they have no one, so decide to turn to crime as a means to fit in, which is not in any way a right thing to do.
We posted notes to tell them to find their own person, and to NOT be someone who they feel they have to be for people to like them..Notes telling them who TRUE friends are, the ones who will stick by you though thick and thin are the ones i am talking about...

Ok, so Operation beautiful was geared towards woman, to remind them they are all beautiful. but i think just maybe it can go further than that.... :) I hope that any one who reads this will now have a look at that site, they really do some wonderful things, thats one place that has helped me alot :)

Love xxxx

Home to a homeless heart ♥

So yesterday i went to Balsidon and spent the day with Charlotte who, happenes to be one of the most wonderful girls i have ever met in my entire life..
For the first time in a long time, i was able to sit in starbucks (yay!) and actually have a chat and open up about i feel and what is going on in my life, about my hopes, fears and dreams, face to face with another person, without fear of them running away in the opposite direction..
I learnt what i true true friend really was. It was also the first time i have been to Charlotte's house, and right away i felt at home, her parents (and pets) were welcoming and it was wonderful to be able too go in and talk right away with ease with everyone in the house...
She als0 got me a beautiful friendship frame which i think i will treausre forever, i wouldnt put it down yesterday and held it close to my heart the entire time. It has five photos in it, and inside it are the four YA that have changed my life the most this year...Emma(even though she is not a YA tech), Sarrah, Marla and Lindsay, and ok maybe i do not talk to Marla or Lindsay anymore but it is the fact that i knew she had listened to my convosations we had been having. That frama now has pride and place on my desk, which i spend alot of time at :)
She made me some friendship braclets aswell, which i literally cried about, every color in every braclet means something and that makes me smile, even if it just my favouite color..:)
I have never met someone who i can be totally myself around like this and i am BLESSED :) I really really am ... :)
Thank you for everything my wonderful sister!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Be the change ♥

Look around and take in this beautiful word. Anything can inspire and change you and give you a new reason to hope and to believe.
The first step in achieving a dream/goal/ambition is believing for yourself that whatever it is can be attained. Then there is the road to it...
Some dreams can be like walking the path to hell, but at the end of the day, who said anything would ever be easy? Obstacles are put in your way for a reason and to set you a challenge, if they were not there then nothing would ever be learnt. I believe you need to go through bad experiences and bad times in your life to become a better person and fully appreciate all the good things that this world has to give....

Begin to love the earth and what is in it. You have to walk on it and live here everyday, so it's time to start seeing the true beauty... Think about the trees and start to recycle more often, Trees give us the oxygen that enables us to live, we need to learn to live in harmony with nature instead of fighting against it. If you see some litter on the floor pick it up and dispose of it, it's little steps like this that can do so much in the long run if everyone did it...Even better would be to not litter at all...

Anything war can do peace can do better and that is a fact, so start proving it! Don't hate people unless you have a very good reason to hate is a strong word, Hate can lead to lives being lost and destroyed, try to see the good in everyone and open up your heart, so people need someone to just tell them they are beautiful or that they are loved...BE that person

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.....