hey everyone
yes i know...I'm a terrible blogger...or at least i have been recently..im so sorry!
Anywho im gonna try get back into this writing thing because i miss it alot and i miss the stories about peoples lives have inspired by what i write..i figured that im not going to be able to remember everything over the last few months and it would retarded of me to try and do that....sooo....im just gonna do the past week or so....so much has gone on though so i will just give a short hand version for now....im gonna stop writing on here about my life in terms of what i do etc...im gonna dedicate my blog more to spending time teaching other human beings though things that i have learnt..or learn..
I know i cant really have an absence like that without a legit excuse so im gonna explain as much as i can without letting too much out, there are some things you shouldnt share with the world!
Well, ive just been really ill recently, like really ill, and i am pretty much in the same space now..like everything that was going on then is still present now...but...im trying to rise above it...ive been in america the past week or so and some of the people i have met and seen again...just wow...that taught me reasons...and lessons and helped me learn i have choices... there is no such thing as one road...
im gonna go write them blogs up now... but just a message to say i am alive haha.....and the big things that have happened to me...ummm i have an incredible horsie now called Lady...I'll actually write a whole little blog about her at some point but she is SO cute! you guys will love her...even if you hate horses :) Ummm i yet again got to go to Jazz fest in Germany this year which was PERFECT just ahhh :) to be back there in such an amazing place and everything.... :) and then of course i'm now in america... :)
thanks for all the 1000's of views still though guys it means one hell of alot to me ...:) <3
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Free..
This is yet another blog i was meant to have written a week or so ago that was really important to me but of which i totally didn't get time to write. I do one of these every year and it never changes...i think...the amount of people i am going to send it to will be less..but still.
6 years ago on the 26th this amazing guy called Gweedo passed away whilst in a group of Young Americans who were touring at the time in the UK...and this story it still touches my heart in every single way...its why i write about it every year. If you want more details go read previous blogs written on the 26th...but basically this cast taught me strength, they taught me courage and they taught me hope...no matter how hard life gets...they helped me have hope.. It's weird because even though it was six years ago and now i have taken ten workshops including in Germany...the one with UK 2006 is the one i remember the most...still after all the time..and no matter what and where i go..when i walk into that workshop...i feel that cast, and Gweedo. In the past three workshops i have taken the YA have sung part of the Beatles medley as an intro to the kids and every time it takes all of my not to cry...because that was in our show (like town kid part) way back then. I always sing with them.
Anyway...I wanted to write a blog dedicated to him, and the one good thing about me writing it a little late is that i can honestly say Gweedo is still so greatly loved, admired and remembered. I've seen so many messages over the past week that have brought tears to my eyes.
Whenever we learn if we hold on together at the end of the show... we are told that this song is sung, in every country, in every workshop and has been for something like 25 years i think it was. It's always, along with lion king, the time i remember that cast and the words of the director which still ring in my head as if they were spoken yesterday.
'now we could not have worked together has closely as we have for the past two and half days without some friendships forming, and some of these friendships, will last long after the applause dies from this hall, and maybe, just maybe, some friendships will last a lifetime. And need i say anymore this last song says it perfectly. 'If we hold on together'
i remember the tears and the emotion that went into that song and now whenever i take a workshop i remember that and make sure that on the line 'As high as souls can fly' i look upwards a send a kiss to heaven.
Uk cast yet another year and you still change my life every single day...like little things you guys done will affect the things that lead to big things for me now.
i am so happy i will get to see some of you again this year, it literally excites me so much... and the fact i get to see beautiful Rhonda makes me even more excited...although i'm certainly going to cry one HELL of a lot..
Please know i still admire you all, your strength and you courage you are all beautiful
Thank you
xx
(This blog was for Gweedo)
6 years ago on the 26th this amazing guy called Gweedo passed away whilst in a group of Young Americans who were touring at the time in the UK...and this story it still touches my heart in every single way...its why i write about it every year. If you want more details go read previous blogs written on the 26th...but basically this cast taught me strength, they taught me courage and they taught me hope...no matter how hard life gets...they helped me have hope.. It's weird because even though it was six years ago and now i have taken ten workshops including in Germany...the one with UK 2006 is the one i remember the most...still after all the time..and no matter what and where i go..when i walk into that workshop...i feel that cast, and Gweedo. In the past three workshops i have taken the YA have sung part of the Beatles medley as an intro to the kids and every time it takes all of my not to cry...because that was in our show (like town kid part) way back then. I always sing with them.
Anyway...I wanted to write a blog dedicated to him, and the one good thing about me writing it a little late is that i can honestly say Gweedo is still so greatly loved, admired and remembered. I've seen so many messages over the past week that have brought tears to my eyes.
Whenever we learn if we hold on together at the end of the show... we are told that this song is sung, in every country, in every workshop and has been for something like 25 years i think it was. It's always, along with lion king, the time i remember that cast and the words of the director which still ring in my head as if they were spoken yesterday.
'now we could not have worked together has closely as we have for the past two and half days without some friendships forming, and some of these friendships, will last long after the applause dies from this hall, and maybe, just maybe, some friendships will last a lifetime. And need i say anymore this last song says it perfectly. 'If we hold on together'
i remember the tears and the emotion that went into that song and now whenever i take a workshop i remember that and make sure that on the line 'As high as souls can fly' i look upwards a send a kiss to heaven.
Uk cast yet another year and you still change my life every single day...like little things you guys done will affect the things that lead to big things for me now.
i am so happy i will get to see some of you again this year, it literally excites me so much... and the fact i get to see beautiful Rhonda makes me even more excited...although i'm certainly going to cry one HELL of a lot..
Please know i still admire you all, your strength and you courage you are all beautiful
Thank you
xx
(This blog was for Gweedo)
Monday, 2 April 2012
R.I.P Joe Shaw
Well this blog is a message i was meant to do a really long time ago...literally the second it happened i wanted to let it all out on here...but..i couldn't find the words..I feel I need to say something about it though.
So when i was in school i went to school with this awesome guy called Joe... The other month i was sitting in my living room actually getting ready to go up to bed when i got a message from one of my friends telling me that Joe had died. I don't want to go into details of what happened and how he died because thats not for me to say on here..but what i can say..is that the second i heard...i felt my heart breaking..literally falling into little pieces. My first thought was hatred towards myself. Joe and I hung out together in the same group for five years...FIVE years...and they actually happened to be five of my hardest years, yet in all that time i never got to really know him...i never got to speak to him like i felt i should have done.....We hung out all together and he was forever making me laugh and feel better... he made everyone smile..he was such an amazing down to earth guy. Yes Joe was a friend of mine at school... but i would never ever say we were best friends...My second thought led me onto this blog that i'm writing now... I want to ask you all a question...and i don't want written answers..i want you to ask this to yourself. Think about all the people that you have ever met/become friends with in your life...and ii don't care if it was for a minute or a hundred years think about it. Imagine you just didn't talk to them as much as you should because you 'don't have time' or 'can't be bothered'. Well what would you do if you woke up one day to the news they were no longer on this earth? Because there is no second chance to tell them how you feel. I made a stupid mistake of deleting nearly all my old school friends last year just because i didn't talk to them...i regret that now and i know 'forget regret or life is yours to miss' but its a thing that deep you can help but think about what could have happened different. To be 100% i think i must have spoken to Joe about twice after we left school and that was just over Facebook...never in that time did i say how i loved him, how i valued him, how i was thankful for his friendship. Why should I? His young, healthy... not a best friend of mine so why do i need to go telling him all that stuff...well now i know why...because you never know...NEVER know, where the circle of life will take you.
The thing that made me smile and also broke me inside was a few days after I had heard this news...and a group of us were meeting up in Romford to have a drink in memory of Joe...and you know....people walked in that door that i had not seen in four or so years...people who only had a connection to Joe via the took science with him, or said hi when passing in the halls. Peoples lives whom he had touched...it was just...AMAZING to see how many people turned up. We all passed a book around and wrote something in it. I think that...was the hardest part..the 'i need to try and say an actual goodbye'...
What i want to say from this is that i don't want his death to be in vain.. PLEASE.. he was only 19...you NEVER EVER know what is going to happen and when it is going to on....take this message and lock it in your heart........got it? good. Now go tell the people that you love that you love and care for them...before its to late before your left with regrets...DO NOT take their presence for granted.
Thank you.
(This blog is in loving memory of my wonderful friend Joe Shaw..Rest in peace buddy..enjoy the free beers!!!)
So when i was in school i went to school with this awesome guy called Joe... The other month i was sitting in my living room actually getting ready to go up to bed when i got a message from one of my friends telling me that Joe had died. I don't want to go into details of what happened and how he died because thats not for me to say on here..but what i can say..is that the second i heard...i felt my heart breaking..literally falling into little pieces. My first thought was hatred towards myself. Joe and I hung out together in the same group for five years...FIVE years...and they actually happened to be five of my hardest years, yet in all that time i never got to really know him...i never got to speak to him like i felt i should have done.....We hung out all together and he was forever making me laugh and feel better... he made everyone smile..he was such an amazing down to earth guy. Yes Joe was a friend of mine at school... but i would never ever say we were best friends...My second thought led me onto this blog that i'm writing now... I want to ask you all a question...and i don't want written answers..i want you to ask this to yourself. Think about all the people that you have ever met/become friends with in your life...and ii don't care if it was for a minute or a hundred years think about it. Imagine you just didn't talk to them as much as you should because you 'don't have time' or 'can't be bothered'. Well what would you do if you woke up one day to the news they were no longer on this earth? Because there is no second chance to tell them how you feel. I made a stupid mistake of deleting nearly all my old school friends last year just because i didn't talk to them...i regret that now and i know 'forget regret or life is yours to miss' but its a thing that deep you can help but think about what could have happened different. To be 100% i think i must have spoken to Joe about twice after we left school and that was just over Facebook...never in that time did i say how i loved him, how i valued him, how i was thankful for his friendship. Why should I? His young, healthy... not a best friend of mine so why do i need to go telling him all that stuff...well now i know why...because you never know...NEVER know, where the circle of life will take you. The thing that made me smile and also broke me inside was a few days after I had heard this news...and a group of us were meeting up in Romford to have a drink in memory of Joe...and you know....people walked in that door that i had not seen in four or so years...people who only had a connection to Joe via the took science with him, or said hi when passing in the halls. Peoples lives whom he had touched...it was just...AMAZING to see how many people turned up. We all passed a book around and wrote something in it. I think that...was the hardest part..the 'i need to try and say an actual goodbye'...
What i want to say from this is that i don't want his death to be in vain.. PLEASE.. he was only 19...you NEVER EVER know what is going to happen and when it is going to on....take this message and lock it in your heart........got it? good. Now go tell the people that you love that you love and care for them...before its to late before your left with regrets...DO NOT take their presence for granted.
Thank you.
(This blog is in loving memory of my wonderful friend Joe Shaw..Rest in peace buddy..enjoy the free beers!!!)
So sorry to all my blog readers
ok guys so I'm back, nearly two months but i'm back...
I really have kept meaning to get on and write but i never really got the chance... I'm gonna try and catch up all my blogs now but this could take a while so bear with me... I'm prob gonna forget a fair few things too haha.
The past month i have been very ill and struggling with myself, i still am..but i feel i need to get back in the swing of this thing, i feel bad for the people asking me to update my blog and i hate myself for not writing its what i do and i love to write...so
here it goes . :)
I really have kept meaning to get on and write but i never really got the chance... I'm gonna try and catch up all my blogs now but this could take a while so bear with me... I'm prob gonna forget a fair few things too haha.
The past month i have been very ill and struggling with myself, i still am..but i feel i need to get back in the swing of this thing, i feel bad for the people asking me to update my blog and i hate myself for not writing its what i do and i love to write...so
here it goes . :)
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
love, compassion, friendship, joy,
Whatever our hands touch—
We leave fingerprints!
On walls, on furniture,
On doorknobs, dishes, books,
As we touch we leave our identity.
Oh please where ever I go today,
Help me leave heartprints!
Heartprints of compassion
Of understanding and love.
Heartprints of kindness
and genuine concern.
May my heart touch a lonely neighbor
Or a runaway daughter,
Or an anxious mother,
Or, perhaps, a dear friend!
I shall go out today
To leave heartprints,
And if someone should say
“I felt your touch,”
May that one sense be…YOUR LOVE
Touching through ME.
This is to all the wonderful people
I have met!I offer you my hand in friendship
so that when you reach out in times of need,
you can be certain that I’ll always be there.
when it returns to you,
you’ll know who’ll be your friends for life!!!
Please note i do not own copyright to this i found it and think its beautiful and something for me to live for
Sunday, 12 February 2012
R.I.P Whitney Houston
Well first of all i can't believe that i am writing this, that i am saying the words Whitney Houston has passed away. When my mum woke me up with that this morning i literally got up fine and was like oh ok...i don't think i registered it within myself. I mean how can someone like Whitney be dead? It's unreal how crazy that sounds...it's one of those things that you know will happen and you know has to happen one day but at the same time you can't believe it. I never imagined a world without her in it..I mean the past three days i have been tweeting lines from her songs..it's ironic really..and now she is gone..
I'm sad, i'm crying now and I've been crying a lot... I don't actually think its stupid... for once in my life i don't think it's stupid.. There is this thing about a human heart,and that is you don't need to know someone personally to grieve..i mean i really honestly think the entire world is gonna grieve over this..in my lifetime i have never seen anything like this before...i mean when MJ died there were still people saying bad things about him, yet i have not heard one thing about her like that...its all messages of R.I.P, and love for her, for her family and for everyone else who was ever lucky enough to work with such an incredible woman. Theres not much we can really do as much as we would like to change what has happened..yet again this is a part of the circle of life...even though it 100% does not make sense i fully believe within my heart that it happened for a reason... everything always does and will for the rest of time.
Whitney..wow what can i say..my heart is broken i cannot believe that you are gone...you were a huge part of my life, when i think of your name my head will list off a reel of songs that you wrote that literally changed my life, that made me see life from a different view, a better view. I want to take the time to explain just a tiny handful of songs that changed me...
greatest love of all - 'I believe that the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride to make it easier, let the children's laughter, remind us how we used to be' I love this song i love the lyrics, the amount of times i have sung this is unbelievable, Whitney this song was the one that really made me listen to your music, it is actually one of my most favourite songs in the world, it really it. It was thanks to this song that i wanted to make a change in this world.. This song is the one that inspired my whole travel though the LEDC countries, helping them build a life idea. If i manage that, if i get to that place and make a change to those peoples lives, can you see now how much people will be grateful to you. You are here even though you are gone. Your lyrics will stay, as will your memory . even if your body and soul may be long gone..
You also taught me with this ( with the beatles help that love really is the greatest thing of all) 'find your strength in love' i don't think you could understand how much i do that...When my grandad passed away i listened to this song over and over and over again..kept me going. thank you.
That's what friends are for - 'And I, never thought i'd feel this way, but as far as I'm concerned i'm glad i got the chance to say, that i do believe i love you, and if, i should ever go away, well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today' This song makes me so grateful...so so grateful for friendship... I mean it taught me that just because someone is no longer in your life it does not mean that they are no longer in your heart and vise versa, i mean, i have so many good friends who i went to school with and i never even talk to them anymore...life means we have lost contact, but that does not mean that i do not think of them and it does not mean they are absent from my heart now. This song is beautiful, i cried so hard when i first it.
You were loved- Well i did know what i wanted to write about this song but actually you know what it's insignificant..i think this song is a wonderful dedication to you and your life and right now thats all thats important, this blog is for you and about you...
Ok well there are so many other songs that I'm obsessed with, where do broken hearts go?, your cover of i believe i can fly, amazing grace and i know him so well. I will always love you, the number one classic, didn't we almost have it all?, all at once, count on me, i have nothing, I wanna dance with somebody, not right but it's ok, learned from the best, every woman, one moment in time, missing you, your love is your love, natural woman, saving all my loving for you, when you believe, You'll never stand alone.... and literally they are just the ones that pop off the top of my head...
Lady you are amazing, your really are going to missed greatly in this world.. I can't believe you passed away on what is my granddads birthday, he adored you he really did, i think i got it from him..so expect a big welcome up there..he will ask you to sing for him though i can warn.
Stay safe beautiful and now free spirit, free, to fly on the winds, heaven needed another angel.
'One by one another the good die young'
August 9, 1963 – February 11, 2012
I'm sad, i'm crying now and I've been crying a lot... I don't actually think its stupid... for once in my life i don't think it's stupid.. There is this thing about a human heart,and that is you don't need to know someone personally to grieve..i mean i really honestly think the entire world is gonna grieve over this..in my lifetime i have never seen anything like this before...i mean when MJ died there were still people saying bad things about him, yet i have not heard one thing about her like that...its all messages of R.I.P, and love for her, for her family and for everyone else who was ever lucky enough to work with such an incredible woman. Theres not much we can really do as much as we would like to change what has happened..yet again this is a part of the circle of life...even though it 100% does not make sense i fully believe within my heart that it happened for a reason... everything always does and will for the rest of time. Whitney..wow what can i say..my heart is broken i cannot believe that you are gone...you were a huge part of my life, when i think of your name my head will list off a reel of songs that you wrote that literally changed my life, that made me see life from a different view, a better view. I want to take the time to explain just a tiny handful of songs that changed me...
greatest love of all - 'I believe that the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride to make it easier, let the children's laughter, remind us how we used to be' I love this song i love the lyrics, the amount of times i have sung this is unbelievable, Whitney this song was the one that really made me listen to your music, it is actually one of my most favourite songs in the world, it really it. It was thanks to this song that i wanted to make a change in this world.. This song is the one that inspired my whole travel though the LEDC countries, helping them build a life idea. If i manage that, if i get to that place and make a change to those peoples lives, can you see now how much people will be grateful to you. You are here even though you are gone. Your lyrics will stay, as will your memory . even if your body and soul may be long gone..
You also taught me with this ( with the beatles help that love really is the greatest thing of all) 'find your strength in love' i don't think you could understand how much i do that...When my grandad passed away i listened to this song over and over and over again..kept me going. thank you. That's what friends are for - 'And I, never thought i'd feel this way, but as far as I'm concerned i'm glad i got the chance to say, that i do believe i love you, and if, i should ever go away, well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today' This song makes me so grateful...so so grateful for friendship... I mean it taught me that just because someone is no longer in your life it does not mean that they are no longer in your heart and vise versa, i mean, i have so many good friends who i went to school with and i never even talk to them anymore...life means we have lost contact, but that does not mean that i do not think of them and it does not mean they are absent from my heart now. This song is beautiful, i cried so hard when i first it.
You were loved- Well i did know what i wanted to write about this song but actually you know what it's insignificant..i think this song is a wonderful dedication to you and your life and right now thats all thats important, this blog is for you and about you...
Ok well there are so many other songs that I'm obsessed with, where do broken hearts go?, your cover of i believe i can fly, amazing grace and i know him so well. I will always love you, the number one classic, didn't we almost have it all?, all at once, count on me, i have nothing, I wanna dance with somebody, not right but it's ok, learned from the best, every woman, one moment in time, missing you, your love is your love, natural woman, saving all my loving for you, when you believe, You'll never stand alone.... and literally they are just the ones that pop off the top of my head...
Lady you are amazing, your really are going to missed greatly in this world.. I can't believe you passed away on what is my granddads birthday, he adored you he really did, i think i got it from him..so expect a big welcome up there..he will ask you to sing for him though i can warn.
Stay safe beautiful and now free spirit, free, to fly on the winds, heaven needed another angel.
'One by one another the good die young'
August 9, 1963 – February 11, 2012
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
THANK YOU!!!
Hardly no promo this month and still another 1000 hits (7000 woooo) thank you so much :) Love you all! Sorry I've been writing nothing recently this will change!!!!
Stay beautiful and true to yourself xxxxxx
Stay beautiful and true to yourself xxxxxx
Another lion king blog
Here i go again,going off on one of my lion king rampages...for anyone who hates lion king..I'm sorry i advise you not to read. I actually havnt spoken about my obsession this year...i dont think. So now is a perfect time to write again. Well today i wanted to write about the dance i done with the YA in the fall and yes i have spoken about this dance many a time before but i just felt i wanted to write more about it...about the guy i learnt the dance from and the whole experience that time.
But Tina was beautiful, she touched my heart and..wow...she was like the perfect director for such a perfect cast...Where i do so much performing arts stuff, I'm used to working with lots of different people and moving on and never really seeing them again and i deal with that pretty well. I mean my heart will break at the time but i get over it pretty quickly...well...i still miss this cast..more than ever i still miss this cast with every fibre of my being, whenever I'm having a shit day (often recently), i always try to look back..at what that cast taught me.
I'm gonna try SO hard to take all of it into the workshop i am taking next month..although physically i am so ill right now, i don't even know if i will cope with workshop...but if i am ok..if i manage to not faint, or end up crying I'm in so much pain with my stomach haha..then i will try and give it all i have.
This cast...( I love how i go off subject all the time because i have so much to say) I couldn't ask to have met better people...in the worst of situations i cope so much better..When Topper died in december, i cuddled into my little irish man at the stables and gave him a hug (that horse is my life)...instead of being stupid over something that was indeed just a part of the circle of life...My butterfly tattoo, instead of self harming all the time...i consider all that cast to be a part of that butterfly...they all mean that much to me.
OK..I'm gonna actually do the blog i came to do....first of all i would like to dedicate this to a girl who helped me a lot and her little baby Maisie...for the meaning of lion king..I hope this brings you strength. love you.
So I danced this dance with Rob this time (and with this amazing other boy who i think was called tom..i'm 20 in a week or so my brain cells are dying i can't remember!!!) and it was perfect because i knew the dance from previous stick dances, so i really got to focus on the meaning behind the dance and song even more than ever. I remember Rob saying to me something along these lines.
'They live in you, They live in my, their watching over, everything we see, in every creature, in every star..in your reflection they live in you.'
The circle of life is the most beautiful concept ever...it gives me hope i will see my grandad again, the man who was my father to me. It gives me hope i will see my friends i've lost again and all the little animals, as insignificant as they may be to others, anything that meant a lot to me..it gives me hope i will see them again.
To me..i now believe that nothing is ever final and that no matter if someone in body is gone, it does not mean they have to be gone. I mean my grandad is here more than ever, and theres this beautiful YA called Gweedo who passed away in 2006, he is still very much alive..because the people who loved him keep him alive and pass his story on.From this blog i wanted to show how much this dance means, again...i mean, i learnt to accept death though the young americans...i learnt to let go, i learnt goodbyes are sometimes the only way to go, i learnt we are all one. i learnt we are connected, i learnt the real meaning behind lion king and the circle of life ( i will like cry every time i see lion king...i went to see it in London a month or so back, i was crying pretty much the entire way though...WOW...so much power...
LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE They need each other. and remember what i said just because someone is not here in body does not mean they are no longer alive anymore. As long as they live on within your heart...they are alive too...
Please take this blog and understand what i am saying...I actually love you all just for reading this, just for taking time to read this...
I wish you 525,600 minutes of everything you could ever want.. xxxxPS: added is the video of the stick dance i was talking about and for those who know what I'm like watch me...just watch me..im actually at the front this time, and I'm jot trying to hide...im not running away and oh my gosh the passion i am putting into it, i was gobsmacked when i watched it back.
PPS: Please PLEASE check out the YA website and see what they can offer, they really do change lives so much, as you can read here...and that dance bear in mind that was one part of the show which they taught to hundreds of kids who spoke german in two days...im just crying again thinking about it..if you know ANYWHO who will benefit from the incredible opportunity then please get in touch....(with them not me that would be pointless and i never check my mail. www.youngamericans.org i am sure thats right, if not google and it will pop up right away :) 
Somebody that i used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and now we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
This song sings my heart today
Make out like it never happened and now we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
This song sings my heart today
Sunday, 5 February 2012
A roller-coaster.
Sometimes people put up walls..not to hurt the ones they love...not to anger, not to inflict any negative impact, just sometimes, people put up walls to see just who cares enough to knock them down, or at least attempt to. It's not always someone being difficult...I mean you ask how someone is and they say i'm fine when you know they are not..hug them, say i know your not fine and try to help them and talk to them, let them see they are cared about..yes it might take a while..because trust me i can tell you from experience that some things are super hard to talk about...even the subject of it makes that person feel ill..but at the same time..,don't push too much but be there for that person, and they will find out they can be who they are with you. It's sad that some people will have hundreds of Facebook friends or followers on twitter whatever, but no one actually gives two fucks what happens to them at the end of the day. But it does make that person grateful when just one or two of their so called friends are there..and stay there regardless of everything.
Life is a proper bitch and i think actually is the biggest of all i have ever come across, and i have met some two faced bitches in my life. It always seems to have a habit of throwing more and more shit upon you when you are already close to breaking point...i don't understand that, and i don't think it's even something thats meant to be understood at all.
One thing i am SICK to death of, is people calling others attention seekers without even knowing whats going on..this subject just gets me so made...how dare you judge a person if you have never walked a step in their shoes..?!?!?!?! you should never judge a book by its cover..ever...You get to know the story first on the inside. you can't just take a look a the face, or go from what other people 'tell you' and expect everything to be ok...you can't just expect that you are correct instantly. Argh it just gets me so mad. I strongly dislike people who will go around saying things like self harm, eating disorders and mental illness and just cries for attention. Ok, maybe in some situations, it is more about wanting attention, i have known people self harm, then put the pictures on Facebook and tag their friends in it saying 'this is because of you lot' and trust me that hurts like a bitch...spesh if your a person that only tries to help others...but even then i thought...well she must be desperate to do that. to go to that level, so yeah, ok, she was crying out for attention...but again...the only people who can judge are the ones who know her full story...and the only person who knows that is God. But in the long term, self harm is very much a private and hidden thing. If you were to go to any school in the Uk and pick out 30 students, there is about a 95% chance that at least one of them will self injure, then if you take that percentage and the amount of students you actually know self harm... there will be a big difference i can assure you. So how can that be attention seeking? Even anorexia and other ED problems..a person suffering from one of them will not wake up one day and be like 'ok i'm going to never eat' and instantly drop all the weight and look ill. It takes time...so before you judge that girl in your class who is clearly suffering from an eating disorder think about how long that must have been going on for for her to even get like that in the first place without you knowing. How can that be attention seeking?
Depression is one of the biggest taboo's that there is and i hate that because its one of the illness' that needs more understanding..you are never really taught about depression in school..never. The only way you get guidance on something like that is if a class mate killed him or herself and then some person will be called in to talk to the students. I think this is wrong, if students can be taught about the effects of cancer, and smoking then depression should be put in there too. It could save a lot of hassle and actually a lot of suicides if someone can see when their friend in not good inside.
Ok i just needed to rant this out because it's pissing me off something chronic....remember sometimes walls are put up to see just who cares enough to break them down.
Life is a proper bitch and i think actually is the biggest of all i have ever come across, and i have met some two faced bitches in my life. It always seems to have a habit of throwing more and more shit upon you when you are already close to breaking point...i don't understand that, and i don't think it's even something thats meant to be understood at all.
One thing i am SICK to death of, is people calling others attention seekers without even knowing whats going on..this subject just gets me so made...how dare you judge a person if you have never walked a step in their shoes..?!?!?!?! you should never judge a book by its cover..ever...You get to know the story first on the inside. you can't just take a look a the face, or go from what other people 'tell you' and expect everything to be ok...you can't just expect that you are correct instantly. Argh it just gets me so mad. I strongly dislike people who will go around saying things like self harm, eating disorders and mental illness and just cries for attention. Ok, maybe in some situations, it is more about wanting attention, i have known people self harm, then put the pictures on Facebook and tag their friends in it saying 'this is because of you lot' and trust me that hurts like a bitch...spesh if your a person that only tries to help others...but even then i thought...well she must be desperate to do that. to go to that level, so yeah, ok, she was crying out for attention...but again...the only people who can judge are the ones who know her full story...and the only person who knows that is God. But in the long term, self harm is very much a private and hidden thing. If you were to go to any school in the Uk and pick out 30 students, there is about a 95% chance that at least one of them will self injure, then if you take that percentage and the amount of students you actually know self harm... there will be a big difference i can assure you. So how can that be attention seeking? Even anorexia and other ED problems..a person suffering from one of them will not wake up one day and be like 'ok i'm going to never eat' and instantly drop all the weight and look ill. It takes time...so before you judge that girl in your class who is clearly suffering from an eating disorder think about how long that must have been going on for for her to even get like that in the first place without you knowing. How can that be attention seeking?
Depression is one of the biggest taboo's that there is and i hate that because its one of the illness' that needs more understanding..you are never really taught about depression in school..never. The only way you get guidance on something like that is if a class mate killed him or herself and then some person will be called in to talk to the students. I think this is wrong, if students can be taught about the effects of cancer, and smoking then depression should be put in there too. It could save a lot of hassle and actually a lot of suicides if someone can see when their friend in not good inside.
Ok i just needed to rant this out because it's pissing me off something chronic....remember sometimes walls are put up to see just who cares enough to break them down.
Friday, 3 February 2012
Movin on but we can't slow down
'flying without wings.. you find it in the deepest friendship the kind you cherish all your life'
ok, i need to write i need to blog because this something i need to get out now because otherwise i will just let it sit around on me and it will do no good, and currently i am can see the good in it so i thought how about write about it now?
Literally i have spent the past 45/50 minutes talking with my sister about the fact that she had an incredible day in york today when she went to see her uni...Like literally all my best friends are amazing they got offers literally straight away from every uni they applied to, and don't get me wrong i am SO proud of them all, so proud you would not believe but at the same time i can't believe my sis is going to be so far away. Emma will be in London somewhere hopefully...that i can deal with but Alice will either be somewhere in York, Wales or Birmingham and the whole idea of that scares me like fucking crazy...
I don't know quite how i am going to function with my bestest friend in the entire world so far away..this person...has been there though everything with me, i can't think of someone who's been there more..this girl i have shared my best moments with, my happiest but yet at the same time also my worst.. The time i downed a large vodka, slashed myself to pieces and was fully intent on killing myself and Alice happen to call me...she knew i was not ok, was round and just hugged me, regardless of the blood, regardless of her uniform regardless of me having no make up on..she was there... She was there when i wouldn't stand up to the doctors for my treatment and she was the one that stood up and said hey this is not right....The time i was in recus and the doctors thought i had broken my neck and back and she held my hand till 4am in the morning talking to me, even when she wanted a drink, even when she needed the toilet..no matter what...THAT is what friendship is about..., you don't always have to agree with someone, i mean the amount of disagreements we have is just stupid, but it gets to point where you agree to disagree. She understands me on a level that noone else i know does and that for me alone is amazing...i adore that... I mean this one time she sat up hugging me all night when i was crying till like 5am, even though she had school in the morning. It's always like that with her at the end of the day. She will always put others before herself regardless of what that means. She is amazing i am so blessed to have her as my friend and have her in my life.
So this is basically why i'm finding it hard to think that she is going to move so far away...like i was sitting here crying so much, she is the other half of me...I don't really know where i'm gonna go when i'm hurting. If i went to anyone it was to her.
Growing up scares the fuck out of me, i thought that at 20 i wouldn't have to go though this, i wouldn't have to deal with goodbyes like this anymore, at the end of the day i was wrong regardless, everything comes to an end and it will do though out my life. I can't believe this is actually happening and that she's really gonna be going. Her mom was certainly right when sdhe said i will be visiting her 24/7 (i hope i can anyway). She's come though so much, and i really really...am so happy 'take these broken wings and learn to fly' she certainly is going to do that. This summer, i know saying goodbye is going to be the hardest thing ever...it's gonna break me, but i know there is a huge part of me that will always be with her and vise versa..you cannot...you cannot impact someones life that much and not leave a big handprint.
I know this has to happen for both of us, we need to both grow, she needs the uni degree, and i want to travel...it's a matter of stepping out into the sun alone, no more hiding away unless there is someone there to hold me.
Just gah! When we were in hospital together i had my sax, our teacher was on the piano and she was singing to bridge over troubled water..thats gonna stay with me forever i know it will...whenever i hear that song i think of Alice...she is my bridge over troubled water, pretty much every time.
This blog is basically dedicated to her, oh my gosh I'm all teary again now but i just needed to write this... My beautiful little sis you are amazing and i am so proud of you, i can't believe this is going to be happening soon and that we will have to say goodbye, the talks of uni always seemed forever away and now here it is..please don't forget me, because i won't forget you, you will be with me, a part of my heart wherever i go whatever i do..and when i am in Africa helping all the children i will tell them of you and the importance of friendship and how a real friend is more precious that any gift...and amount of money...anything. I'll teach them no matter how bad things get, they will always have the greatest thing of all in love. I know its not till the fall that you go but i know I'm not going to be able to even put it into words then. I know the few months leading up to uni is going to go super fast..no matter how much i wish i could just pause time sometimes...I can't wait to get out matching tattoos... and i can't believe you are getting a tattoo for each of your sisters and including one for me even though we are non blood related. I love you to death and back please never forget that and i am always here for you. I don't want and hope this is not a goodbye...
You can do this do, i KNOW you can do this, the world is huge out there but girl you have the most beautiful heart and i know you can go far whatever route you take, this marks the end..but also the start..and new start, lets both make it a goodun together yeah? omg i'm crying so much,just thank you thank you thank you...You have that brain in your head to do it aswell. Spread your wings and fly. I hope your dreams take you far, i hope that you learn with every mistake, take every opportunity, i hope when one door closes that you can find a window till you find another open door....NEVER underestimate the power of a smile and how much it can change a persons life..and you know what? even when you take the wrong route i'll be there if you want me to and i'll walk with you, regardless...though everything...go to the most special places that you heart could ever know. and actually.? I challenge you if you cannot find a door to build one because i KNOW you can do..i know i know you can do it...your just this incredible person. This is not the end but the beginning of something amazing.
'Sail on silver girl, sail on by, YOUR TIME HAS COME TO SHINE ALL YOUR DREAMS ARE ON THEIR WAY!!!'
I love you, i really do..thank you for everything...and i really hope you like this...
Vikkie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ok, i need to write i need to blog because this something i need to get out now because otherwise i will just let it sit around on me and it will do no good, and currently i am can see the good in it so i thought how about write about it now?Literally i have spent the past 45/50 minutes talking with my sister about the fact that she had an incredible day in york today when she went to see her uni...Like literally all my best friends are amazing they got offers literally straight away from every uni they applied to, and don't get me wrong i am SO proud of them all, so proud you would not believe but at the same time i can't believe my sis is going to be so far away. Emma will be in London somewhere hopefully...that i can deal with but Alice will either be somewhere in York, Wales or Birmingham and the whole idea of that scares me like fucking crazy...
Growing up scares the fuck out of me, i thought that at 20 i wouldn't have to go though this, i wouldn't have to deal with goodbyes like this anymore, at the end of the day i was wrong regardless, everything comes to an end and it will do though out my life. I can't believe this is actually happening and that she's really gonna be going. Her mom was certainly right when sdhe said i will be visiting her 24/7 (i hope i can anyway). She's come though so much, and i really really...am so happy 'take these broken wings and learn to fly' she certainly is going to do that. This summer, i know saying goodbye is going to be the hardest thing ever...it's gonna break me, but i know there is a huge part of me that will always be with her and vise versa..you cannot...you cannot impact someones life that much and not leave a big handprint.
I know this has to happen for both of us, we need to both grow, she needs the uni degree, and i want to travel...it's a matter of stepping out into the sun alone, no more hiding away unless there is someone there to hold me.
Just gah! When we were in hospital together i had my sax, our teacher was on the piano and she was singing to bridge over troubled water..thats gonna stay with me forever i know it will...whenever i hear that song i think of Alice...she is my bridge over troubled water, pretty much every time.
This blog is basically dedicated to her, oh my gosh I'm all teary again now but i just needed to write this... My beautiful little sis you are amazing and i am so proud of you, i can't believe this is going to be happening soon and that we will have to say goodbye, the talks of uni always seemed forever away and now here it is..please don't forget me, because i won't forget you, you will be with me, a part of my heart wherever i go whatever i do..and when i am in Africa helping all the children i will tell them of you and the importance of friendship and how a real friend is more precious that any gift...and amount of money...anything. I'll teach them no matter how bad things get, they will always have the greatest thing of all in love. I know its not till the fall that you go but i know I'm not going to be able to even put it into words then. I know the few months leading up to uni is going to go super fast..no matter how much i wish i could just pause time sometimes...I can't wait to get out matching tattoos... and i can't believe you are getting a tattoo for each of your sisters and including one for me even though we are non blood related. I love you to death and back please never forget that and i am always here for you. I don't want and hope this is not a goodbye...
'Sail on silver girl, sail on by, YOUR TIME HAS COME TO SHINE ALL YOUR DREAMS ARE ON THEIR WAY!!!'I love you, i really do..thank you for everything...and i really hope you like this...
Vikkie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Tongue piercing!!!
Ok guys so last saturday i was with my bestie and sister and Alice and i decided that i would get my tongue pierced, something that I've been thinking about doing for a while but literally whenever i got close to it i crapped myself and freaked out. But no i got it done finally! I got it done in a fairly new shop based in station road in hornchurch and i have to say i had never been there, but they are really good, clean and sterile, if you live in the essex area even east london and want to get it done i would highly recommend this place to everyone. When i first went in and told the guy what i wanted done he asked me to wait outside so he could set up, which i think in a way helped me a lot...the fact that i didn't get to sit there and see the needle etc being prepared gave me a less reason to panic.
I got in the room and he asked me to sit down and relax and not panic...(by now i was nearly crying i was so scared) i wanted to walk out at one point when i glanced to my right and saw all the sterile things... I was like eeeeppp! and scared myself whit less.. I do know one thing and that is that the tongue needs to be done carefully because of all of the veins, so he basically clamped it, fiddled it around for abit and told me to hold really sill because he was trying to see the vein and what he was doing... well he actually done the piercing then and there with Alice sitting next to me mouth wide open that i didn't even flinch...i think the whole fact i didn't know he was doing it then helped me a great deal because i was a little more relaxed...for sure one of the best ways to get a piercing done, i was in and out with five minutes, i does not take long at all, and it really is hassle free. That was without being numbed aswell, yes i did feel a sharp scratch but i thought that was the clamp..i know when i got my belly done the clamp hurt more than the piercing itself.
So i know i am going to get ask questions about the healing process etc..so I'm gonna start now and try and keep you all updated. I actually did not experience hardly any of the swelling that is meant to come after this piercing nor the speech problems, but i guess the last one could be to do with the fact I've done a lot of drama etc which means I've had a lot of 'speech' classes. As for eating and drinking well that has been a huge problem for me, but i don't know, that may just be because i am super paranoid that if i eat it will get infected..it does feel weird though..certainly not quite used to it...
As for the piercing itself, it seems to be healing up nicely, i was getting a tiny tiny bit of this white stuff at one point but i asked my friend who has hers done and she said it's totally fine so I'm more relaxed about it now, don't like it but i guess its something i have to deal with.
Atm i have a huge bar in because they have to do that in case of the swelling (like i said its normal for normal people that the piercing will swell quite abit) and that is the main thing i actually hate right now..it's like proper annoying and everything. I've been tempted to take it out because of that but i don't know...i think i will be happier when my tongue gets better and i can have a normal bar put in..i can't wait for all the cute little girly bars you can buy and that i have seen :)
Basically i also want to get this thing gone about stereotypes like seriously? I am the furthest thing from a biker or grunger, and just because i have tattoos and piercings does not make me one. just because i have this done does not mean I'm a lesbian ( if only i were i would have an easier life!), Just because i have tattoos and piercing does not mean I'm gonna beat the crap out of you (tempted with some people sometimes) but i literally couldn't, there is not a bone in body that would allow that. I am so sick of all of these above, and ok I've not really had all of these said to me, but i know they are some of the ones that are said...i know that piercings and tattoos and normally considered only to go with a violent and bad person, well you guys read my blog and you should know by now that it's not true...your just being stupid, and judging, never judge a book by its cover. I want you all to read this and not be afraid to go get done what you want, i mean, I've got this done, i don't give a toss what people think, I DONT MEAN IF YOUR UNDER 18. ASK PARENTAL CONSENT (i was asked for id btw as i wasn't with the rents and a good place will ID if you go in on your own) basically never be afraid to express yourself you are all beautiful, i personally think your all beautiful how you were born...but if your not happy then i guess go ahead, just think about it..really think...they will still be there whatever age, and yes you can take piercings out but they normally will leave a scar....so just so you know :) xxx
I got in the room and he asked me to sit down and relax and not panic...(by now i was nearly crying i was so scared) i wanted to walk out at one point when i glanced to my right and saw all the sterile things... I was like eeeeppp! and scared myself whit less.. I do know one thing and that is that the tongue needs to be done carefully because of all of the veins, so he basically clamped it, fiddled it around for abit and told me to hold really sill because he was trying to see the vein and what he was doing... well he actually done the piercing then and there with Alice sitting next to me mouth wide open that i didn't even flinch...i think the whole fact i didn't know he was doing it then helped me a great deal because i was a little more relaxed...for sure one of the best ways to get a piercing done, i was in and out with five minutes, i does not take long at all, and it really is hassle free. That was without being numbed aswell, yes i did feel a sharp scratch but i thought that was the clamp..i know when i got my belly done the clamp hurt more than the piercing itself. So i know i am going to get ask questions about the healing process etc..so I'm gonna start now and try and keep you all updated. I actually did not experience hardly any of the swelling that is meant to come after this piercing nor the speech problems, but i guess the last one could be to do with the fact I've done a lot of drama etc which means I've had a lot of 'speech' classes. As for eating and drinking well that has been a huge problem for me, but i don't know, that may just be because i am super paranoid that if i eat it will get infected..it does feel weird though..certainly not quite used to it...
As for the piercing itself, it seems to be healing up nicely, i was getting a tiny tiny bit of this white stuff at one point but i asked my friend who has hers done and she said it's totally fine so I'm more relaxed about it now, don't like it but i guess its something i have to deal with.
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| too painful for starbucks? arghhh :( |
Basically i also want to get this thing gone about stereotypes like seriously? I am the furthest thing from a biker or grunger, and just because i have tattoos and piercings does not make me one. just because i have this done does not mean I'm a lesbian ( if only i were i would have an easier life!), Just because i have tattoos and piercing does not mean I'm gonna beat the crap out of you (tempted with some people sometimes) but i literally couldn't, there is not a bone in body that would allow that. I am so sick of all of these above, and ok I've not really had all of these said to me, but i know they are some of the ones that are said...i know that piercings and tattoos and normally considered only to go with a violent and bad person, well you guys read my blog and you should know by now that it's not true...your just being stupid, and judging, never judge a book by its cover. I want you all to read this and not be afraid to go get done what you want, i mean, I've got this done, i don't give a toss what people think, I DONT MEAN IF YOUR UNDER 18. ASK PARENTAL CONSENT (i was asked for id btw as i wasn't with the rents and a good place will ID if you go in on your own) basically never be afraid to express yourself you are all beautiful, i personally think your all beautiful how you were born...but if your not happy then i guess go ahead, just think about it..really think...they will still be there whatever age, and yes you can take piercings out but they normally will leave a scar....so just so you know :) xxx
I have such dedicated followers
Sorry for the total lack of blogs recently everyone i really have been in quite a mess with myself and all i've literally been able to do is just breathe, let alone right a blog...however, i will try and get some posts up within the next few days. Still thank you for all your messages, comments, tweets etc..and page hits...I love you all so much
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
That moment when lyrics speak your heart
When your gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When your gone
The face i came to know is missing too
When your gone the words i need to hear
That always get me though the day
And make it ok
I miss you
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When your gone
The face i came to know is missing too
When your gone the words i need to hear
That always get me though the day
And make it ok
I miss you
Friday, 20 January 2012
Not yet a woman
Ok random blog time again! So i know this is not normally the kind of music i listen to, but this song just made me think alot...it came into my head randomly for no reason, and has refused to leave...i think i need to learn to play it, because it explains who i am....
I know there are so many times i would like to think i am a woman now, and yes in the eyes of the law i am 20 soon so technically i am..but i know i've still got so much to learn before i allow myself to be classed as an adult. But at the same time i'm not a little girl anymore, and thats something that fustrates me no end when people think that i am a little girl and carry on to treat me like one.. (my mother is the worst)
'I'm not a girl, there is no need to protect me. It's time that i, learned to face to up to this on my own. ive seen so much more than you lnow now, so dont tell me to shut my eyes.'
I realised today just now what the meaning is behind this song, and it gets me so emotional because i know that i used to constantly sing this into a hairbrush when i was younger (i know how tacky!)
I really am sick to death of people thinking they have to hold onto me for dear life in order to keep me going in the right direction. I am nearly 20 and like this song states im not a girl so theres no need to protect me. I want freedom, i want to breathe i want to spread my wings...I'm a bird, and the one thing they hate is being held in a cage which is certainly what i feel right now..Yes there are things going on, but i need to learn to deal with that because what my mom does not realise is there is going to come a time (spesh if i move abroad) that she is not gonna be there to pick up the slack of my actions..i need to learn..i want to learn...I make a mistake and she she does not know about it, i face it and overcome it...i want it to be like that with the problems and mistakes she knows ive already made. I wish i had the guts to sing this song. To her, and many others at that. So many times i have been told to close my eyes and it will all go away, but really? I mean i may be young but what i have already experienced...i think i know how to deal with hard situations, the sad ones, the hurtful ones...i just dont need this constant protection that i get now. People don't realise that it really does nothing but suffocate me, not protect me in anyway.
Like even the start:
I used to think, I had the answers to everything, but now i know, that life dosent always go my way'
Well this is something i am still working on because i know i can be terrible when i think i am right and someone disagrees, for example if someone told me to go get my leg checked out 'because thats not normal i can promise you' i will keep on and on going off on one and disagreeing, and i thought that was the answer, unfortunately, i still do in some respects, this is where i need to learn.. but in this example i would be scared of what they would say if i did get it checked out, and i actually do hate hospitals with a passion...but life dont go the way we want it to, technically i should listen to people, and just because i dont want to have to go to the hospital, does not mean i have a right to scream and argue and refuse....I need to learn to just do it.
Just this song, gah!, I saw it from a whole new angle today and it just really made me think.
I know people slate Britney all the time but i want to take this chance now to say shes made mistakes, thats all..just like everyone else does and the only reason you slate her is because shes famous..iff that was your best friend you would...or should at least be supporting them. She's got so much talent and people overlook her.
'All i need is time, a moment that is mine'
xxxxx
I know there are so many times i would like to think i am a woman now, and yes in the eyes of the law i am 20 soon so technically i am..but i know i've still got so much to learn before i allow myself to be classed as an adult. But at the same time i'm not a little girl anymore, and thats something that fustrates me no end when people think that i am a little girl and carry on to treat me like one.. (my mother is the worst)
'I'm not a girl, there is no need to protect me. It's time that i, learned to face to up to this on my own. ive seen so much more than you lnow now, so dont tell me to shut my eyes.'
I realised today just now what the meaning is behind this song, and it gets me so emotional because i know that i used to constantly sing this into a hairbrush when i was younger (i know how tacky!)
I really am sick to death of people thinking they have to hold onto me for dear life in order to keep me going in the right direction. I am nearly 20 and like this song states im not a girl so theres no need to protect me. I want freedom, i want to breathe i want to spread my wings...I'm a bird, and the one thing they hate is being held in a cage which is certainly what i feel right now..Yes there are things going on, but i need to learn to deal with that because what my mom does not realise is there is going to come a time (spesh if i move abroad) that she is not gonna be there to pick up the slack of my actions..i need to learn..i want to learn...I make a mistake and she she does not know about it, i face it and overcome it...i want it to be like that with the problems and mistakes she knows ive already made. I wish i had the guts to sing this song. To her, and many others at that. So many times i have been told to close my eyes and it will all go away, but really? I mean i may be young but what i have already experienced...i think i know how to deal with hard situations, the sad ones, the hurtful ones...i just dont need this constant protection that i get now. People don't realise that it really does nothing but suffocate me, not protect me in anyway.
Like even the start:
I used to think, I had the answers to everything, but now i know, that life dosent always go my way'
Well this is something i am still working on because i know i can be terrible when i think i am right and someone disagrees, for example if someone told me to go get my leg checked out 'because thats not normal i can promise you' i will keep on and on going off on one and disagreeing, and i thought that was the answer, unfortunately, i still do in some respects, this is where i need to learn.. but in this example i would be scared of what they would say if i did get it checked out, and i actually do hate hospitals with a passion...but life dont go the way we want it to, technically i should listen to people, and just because i dont want to have to go to the hospital, does not mean i have a right to scream and argue and refuse....I need to learn to just do it.
Just this song, gah!, I saw it from a whole new angle today and it just really made me think.
I know people slate Britney all the time but i want to take this chance now to say shes made mistakes, thats all..just like everyone else does and the only reason you slate her is because shes famous..iff that was your best friend you would...or should at least be supporting them. She's got so much talent and people overlook her.
'All i need is time, a moment that is mine'
xxxxx
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Nick Vujicic
Nick Vujicic Well what can i sy about this guy? First of all i cant believe i did not know his name until tonight and my beautiful friend Courtney sent me a link for his video. I have never ever watched something so beautiful and so inspiring, i really havnt it was amazing. I wanted to share one of his videos with you all and bless i beg of you to go actually check his whole channel out because it's immense. I was sitting here, balling my eyes out crying hysterically, but oh my gosh how he inspired me, I want you to take this video and listen to the lyrics, the story, i want you to watch what is going on before you very eyes, thats really important i think....the meaning of the video is half in what you can see and half in what you can hear.
I know one thing, this video made me grateful, so amazingly and incredibly grateful for everything i have and for the people in my life and the fact that that most of them are safe and well. This guy has no arms to hug and no legs to run..imagine having to use a skateboard etc to get around.....but yet he does not let that stop him for a second, he lives his life just as any normal human being would...he can feel for other people that are going though hard times (something not all of us can even do), he loves to breathe, like this video is called 'something more' it made me realise just how incredible time is and how precious, it made me realise there is always a reason to keep on living.
This is amazing. touched my heart VERY deeply just wow is all i can think of to say!
Please please take time to watch this properly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrV_ZvwZRvw
Be moved and allow change within yourself
Love to everyone across the world
I know one thing, this video made me grateful, so amazingly and incredibly grateful for everything i have and for the people in my life and the fact that that most of them are safe and well. This guy has no arms to hug and no legs to run..imagine having to use a skateboard etc to get around.....but yet he does not let that stop him for a second, he lives his life just as any normal human being would...he can feel for other people that are going though hard times (something not all of us can even do), he loves to breathe, like this video is called 'something more' it made me realise just how incredible time is and how precious, it made me realise there is always a reason to keep on living.
This is amazing. touched my heart VERY deeply just wow is all i can think of to say!
Please please take time to watch this properly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrV_ZvwZRvw
Be moved and allow change within yourself
Love to everyone across the world
I've heard it said...
'that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them.'
Ok guys so i'm sorry for total randomness of this blog but i'm sitting here in tears thinking about this so i really do need to get it out...as many of you know now (yay to blog openness) i'm trying to bring myself out of depression and out of self harm, which in turn has bad effects on my mood. Today i was really down and everything that could go wrong went wrong and i already felt like total shit so yeah...it was not exactly great. I just wanted to write a blog about two friends of mine who literally gave me reason to live today, and they are Roshni and Courtney...and what i would like to add here is that i hope this blog can prove to you how time between how long you have known someone has no relation to your friendship status...Well Roshni, i have known her since about 2006 i think maybe...maybe before that i'm not 100% sure but Courtney on the other hand i have known only just coming up to two years.
I'm trying to get across there that there is a major time difference in how long i have known these girls but yet they still impact me very much so.
Ok well..I don't even know where to begin because this is super hard for me and i get totally emotional either way...ok...so lets do Courtney first. Basically we have got into this thing at night now if we cant sleep of skyping and making ourselves laugh...both of us are going through trouble with certain men right now and because of that it means we literally can relate to each other alot, i think we must have spoken for more than a day about the subject recently if you added it all up. I love how we can come up with stupid ideas for songs and for rewriting songs....for example we are currently rewriting Adele's someone like you to fit the image of Courtney's ex, and we are practically dying with laughter at how stupid but at the same time how correct the song sounds...we even got it in time woop :) But yeah...literally we have been talking for the past 5 /6 hours and the only time stopped was when i was like 'oh roshni asked me to call her' and that was for about half hour forty minutes.She'll keep me going when im about to cave in...like last night i wanted to keep making myself sick and she kept on and on talking to me, just so i couldnt go and do that, she kept me safe. Literally she will send me things all the time that its unreal, please check out her blog! http://courtneysimagination.blogspot.com
As for Rosh, well i can put this easily...she knew i was having a hard time tonight with all so she messaged me asking me to call her, and ok she had to do that quite a few times before i actually rung her, and even then i took forever to go through my phone, find her number and call hahahah! Well this girl...i have literally never heard a voice of reason as strong as she brings to me, i love how she overpowers any bad thoughts and feelings, and i also love how i open up to her 100%, i cant think of anything she does not know about me, and well, she helped me alot...she helped me realise that what my illness was doing to me was just that, an illness and there was no fact in it, nobody, who i thought was planning to kill me prob is. She also reminded me that paranoia is a thing that i have always had, and maybe that recently due to certain events they have now turned into 'real voices'...so technically i am making myself ill, which is good...i mean i can see it on a good level. trust me when i have people saying my best friends are out to kill me to be able to see it from a point of view like that i felt alot better. I mean we spoke about other stuff to but that voice of reason Roshni brings always keeps me going. I actually adore her.....I really consider her a true friend, the type that are very rarely found.
Both girls when you read this, if you see it (ok Courtney i know you will for sure) Please know that i love you endless amounts and i would not have got though tonight without you both. You dont realise that something you do anyway can actually change and have such an impact on someones life. I am so blessed, so blessed and i dont think i would ever want to change a thing about it. You help me to realise what really matters. Thank you both for putting up with me. You really didnt have to....!
I love you
Thank you xxxxxx
'And because i knew you, i have been changed for good'
Ok guys so i'm sorry for total randomness of this blog but i'm sitting here in tears thinking about this so i really do need to get it out...as many of you know now (yay to blog openness) i'm trying to bring myself out of depression and out of self harm, which in turn has bad effects on my mood. Today i was really down and everything that could go wrong went wrong and i already felt like total shit so yeah...it was not exactly great. I just wanted to write a blog about two friends of mine who literally gave me reason to live today, and they are Roshni and Courtney...and what i would like to add here is that i hope this blog can prove to you how time between how long you have known someone has no relation to your friendship status...Well Roshni, i have known her since about 2006 i think maybe...maybe before that i'm not 100% sure but Courtney on the other hand i have known only just coming up to two years.
I'm trying to get across there that there is a major time difference in how long i have known these girls but yet they still impact me very much so.
Both girls when you read this, if you see it (ok Courtney i know you will for sure) Please know that i love you endless amounts and i would not have got though tonight without you both. You dont realise that something you do anyway can actually change and have such an impact on someones life. I am so blessed, so blessed and i dont think i would ever want to change a thing about it. You help me to realise what really matters. Thank you both for putting up with me. You really didnt have to....!
I love you
Thank you xxxxxx
'And because i knew you, i have been changed for good'
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Love is love
Love is love, regardless of race, religion, size, looks, age (within legal restrictions of course) and the main one this blog is aimed at. sex.
There seems to be alot of people in today's world thinking that the only way a relationship is ok between two consenting people is if one partner is female and the other male. Well i'm sorry but this is just utter bullshit and i can tell you now there is going to be alot of language in this so if you dont like it, i'm sorry, don't read it. So basically this morning i got a message from a good friend of mine on twitter, and no, i dont know him in person but i dont think i need to, i'm there for people regardless of if i know them or not. He's gay, and was kicked out of a club (i'm guessing the other night,)' for kissing his boyfriend...he was in tears..apparently this is not alloud in public...although, walk into any other bar and it's perfectly fine for a girl and guy to practically fuck eachother on the middle of the dance floor.
I'm just so angry i was doing a whole fb rant, spesh after seeing that the whole gay marriage issue is trending on fb it inspired me to write.Well halfway through a fb rant i realised i would not have room so thats why i came on here. I'm still going to say roughly the same thing...but just more in depth..really from the heart.
Well like the title reads love is love, and another thing i can tell you without a doubt it is love is all you need, im not putting the idea forward i'm stating it as a fact. Love brings everything good, hate is what does the opposite. So why is it..in a world where we a meant to be fighting so hard for love and peace do people push love away just because its between two people of the same sex. Seriously?. Some people need to learn to be strong and stand up for what is right, What is the worst that can happen if two gay people get together and then maybe even get married? will the world end? no. will you die? no. will pigs fly? maybe, but that would be science. Just because i am not a lesbian (very tempted to trust me)but just because i'm not...does not mean that i will not stand up for my gay friends and in fact anyone who is being picked on for something that makes them who they are. This is where people need to start learning, because they cant seem to see that people just crave for others to accept them. Trust me there are many guys i wish were not gay, because then i could marry them...they all have incredible hearts, but at the same time, i would not change them for the world, they are beautiful and incredible and i love every single one of them. Some people seem to think that just because they are straight means that they are not aloud to stand up for gay rights...this is wrong and please i am begging you use this to make a change and start now. I don't understand what is so wrong with being gay...i mean how could you turn down Johnny Depp or Ryan Gosling, and for men i guess someone like Megan Fox but at the end of the day. it's life...everyone has a right to be happy, they deserve it.
Words hurt, it took me a year to get my friend to a point where he is 'ok' with telling people his gay...it took constant conversations ending with 'Look i love you and i still will even if you are gay, and so will all of your true friends.' only for all trust to be broken with things a few people saying horrible homophobic words to him...now i feel awful, and all my work is undone, he's right back at square one, he wont even hold his boyfriends hand in public.It makes me really sad, just really sad.
This world needs love to survive, so that means people need to start accepting others as they are...i hope with this blog i make a 'homophobic' person think differently. This needs to change it really does. We need a martin luther king but in the gay world that would be perfect! someone who really changes it, it upsets me that i could never do much about this, because 'i'm not gay i cant speak from experence' just as i would like to do a whole anti racism thing to bring that up to scratch..'but im not black so i cant do that either.' Just please everyone try and understand this blog. Thank you.
Love is love. love is beautiful, love is true, and it should be aloud regardless of anything anyone may think. xxxxxx
:most likely to be continued
There seems to be alot of people in today's world thinking that the only way a relationship is ok between two consenting people is if one partner is female and the other male. Well i'm sorry but this is just utter bullshit and i can tell you now there is going to be alot of language in this so if you dont like it, i'm sorry, don't read it. So basically this morning i got a message from a good friend of mine on twitter, and no, i dont know him in person but i dont think i need to, i'm there for people regardless of if i know them or not. He's gay, and was kicked out of a club (i'm guessing the other night,)' for kissing his boyfriend...he was in tears..apparently this is not alloud in public...although, walk into any other bar and it's perfectly fine for a girl and guy to practically fuck eachother on the middle of the dance floor. I'm just so angry i was doing a whole fb rant, spesh after seeing that the whole gay marriage issue is trending on fb it inspired me to write.Well halfway through a fb rant i realised i would not have room so thats why i came on here. I'm still going to say roughly the same thing...but just more in depth..really from the heart.
Well like the title reads love is love, and another thing i can tell you without a doubt it is love is all you need, im not putting the idea forward i'm stating it as a fact. Love brings everything good, hate is what does the opposite. So why is it..in a world where we a meant to be fighting so hard for love and peace do people push love away just because its between two people of the same sex. Seriously?. Some people need to learn to be strong and stand up for what is right, What is the worst that can happen if two gay people get together and then maybe even get married? will the world end? no. will you die? no. will pigs fly? maybe, but that would be science. Just because i am not a lesbian (very tempted to trust me)but just because i'm not...does not mean that i will not stand up for my gay friends and in fact anyone who is being picked on for something that makes them who they are. This is where people need to start learning, because they cant seem to see that people just crave for others to accept them. Trust me there are many guys i wish were not gay, because then i could marry them...they all have incredible hearts, but at the same time, i would not change them for the world, they are beautiful and incredible and i love every single one of them. Some people seem to think that just because they are straight means that they are not aloud to stand up for gay rights...this is wrong and please i am begging you use this to make a change and start now. I don't understand what is so wrong with being gay...i mean how could you turn down Johnny Depp or Ryan Gosling, and for men i guess someone like Megan Fox but at the end of the day. it's life...everyone has a right to be happy, they deserve it.
Words hurt, it took me a year to get my friend to a point where he is 'ok' with telling people his gay...it took constant conversations ending with 'Look i love you and i still will even if you are gay, and so will all of your true friends.' only for all trust to be broken with things a few people saying horrible homophobic words to him...now i feel awful, and all my work is undone, he's right back at square one, he wont even hold his boyfriends hand in public.It makes me really sad, just really sad. This world needs love to survive, so that means people need to start accepting others as they are...i hope with this blog i make a 'homophobic' person think differently. This needs to change it really does. We need a martin luther king but in the gay world that would be perfect! someone who really changes it, it upsets me that i could never do much about this, because 'i'm not gay i cant speak from experence' just as i would like to do a whole anti racism thing to bring that up to scratch..'but im not black so i cant do that either.' Just please everyone try and understand this blog. Thank you.
Love is love. love is beautiful, love is true, and it should be aloud regardless of anything anyone may think. xxxxxx
Veggie Enchiladas
I'm sorry again for total lack of blogs, i actually started writing them but then had to leave to do something else and never got to finish, i cant believe you are all still so dedicated to me :) Thank you.! I really am grateful for it :)
So on saturday i was staying round my friend hannahs house with Alice as she's moving to Spain on friday so we wanted to have one last night all together before she left. Literally had a really good night for the first time in ages, I've been really struggling with being around people right now and would rather lock myself in my room for hours than do anything else but i found that night to be actually ok. I hated going into tesco to buy munchies so instead decided it was ok to act like a total retard to try and make myself feel better...i have this huge hate for food right now. I am lucky with Hannah is a super good cook and reallly knows how to make good food. Well she was suggesting we should have enchiladas for dinner and im so stupid i actually had to ask what that was, and because im veggie i couldnt eat the normal recipe...So instead of adding meat to mine we added butterbeans and mushrooms instead. It actually looked amazing, smelt fantastic and for the bit that i ate was fantastic..I just literally couldnt eat much because of the calories and fat within it. Definatly try swapping! even if you are not veggie because it's really good....! :)
I am so totally in love with peppers though, i'm literally obsessed with them they are actually one of my favourite foods. This picture on the right...oh my gosh i think i could have eaten the whole plate had they not been needed to make food for four people. They are super healthy and taste fantastic and i love how they all taste different just because of their color.. I wanted a picture of the peppers the second they were chopped,,and was being so fussy about it it was unreal, this picture is not my face but i think foodwise the peppers look most yummy here which is why i picked it.
Well apart from that it was good just to have a good night, my hangups over the food were not particularly helpful, but then at the same time, i do just want to loose a few stone then i will be happy,i hate my body right now. We got to sit and just talk about anything and everything and you cannot realise how much i actually needed that. We even got to sleep at a normal time haha, i can't believe that...normally we are up all night and never sleep! and if you add how much i have trouble sleeping in for me to be able to go to sleep earlyish was really good!
I had a good night, a really good night, i love being around people that make me happy. :)
I am so totally in love with peppers though, i'm literally obsessed with them they are actually one of my favourite foods. This picture on the right...oh my gosh i think i could have eaten the whole plate had they not been needed to make food for four people. They are super healthy and taste fantastic and i love how they all taste different just because of their color.. I wanted a picture of the peppers the second they were chopped,,and was being so fussy about it it was unreal, this picture is not my face but i think foodwise the peppers look most yummy here which is why i picked it. Well apart from that it was good just to have a good night, my hangups over the food were not particularly helpful, but then at the same time, i do just want to loose a few stone then i will be happy,i hate my body right now. We got to sit and just talk about anything and everything and you cannot realise how much i actually needed that. We even got to sleep at a normal time haha, i can't believe that...normally we are up all night and never sleep! and if you add how much i have trouble sleeping in for me to be able to go to sleep earlyish was really good!
I had a good night, a really good night, i love being around people that make me happy. :)
Sunday, 15 January 2012
A modern day titanic
Ok, well yesterday i was out with my beautiful sister Alice in Romford on our way to my friend Hannah's house and my mom sent me a message saying that there had been an accident off the coast of Italy and a cruise ship was sinking. At first i couldn't believe it, literally couldn't, there was no part of my mind that could grasp the fact that exactly 100 years from the Titanic this other cruise ship was going down too. Instantly i wanted to burst into tears my heart was aching because i wanted to be there and be helping the people stuck on board that boat, i hate boats, with a passion for this exact reason....drowning is one of my worst fears along with burning to death, they are two extremes, but also two ways in which i would find the worst to die. But i wanted to be there, i wanted to help..I don't know what my problem is, i think i must be stupid or something or just pathetic but whenever something like this happens..war, the 9/11, plane crashes, boat crashes etc...i could cry for hours, over something that is really, nothing to do with me. So this blog, I'm going to try and make it a good one to help people overcome the tragic thing that has happened. I really do pray that everyone that got out of that ship can find a piece of mind and strength to get over what has happened, and i also hope that the families whom are still waiting for news on their missing loved ones will hear the news they want to hear as soon as possible. I hope that those who are trapped, lost, missing or whatever, well i hope that they are found safe and that they can recover well enough to lead as much of a normal life as they can...and as for the ones that couldnt be saved...well i hope they found peace..i pray there was no suffering that it was simply a simple as falling asleep. 
For everyone whom is reading and has been affected by the sinking of Costa Concordia, i wish you peace, love, strength..i wish you happiness and i wish you hope. I believe that as a nation we will pull though something like this, it's the only time sadly that everyone works together
'we must realise, that a change can only come, when we stand together as one'
That quote i totally love it and its so important to me, i believe that in the case of this sinking that is why there are so many survivors because so many people have banded together to try and help.
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