So im gonna change my blog again! I REALLY wanted a change this time, i wanna start over and update regular etc...no more negative or pointless posts...just ones to inspire and move people into change....
I did decide upon making a new blog but now im just going to keep this one and edit it...that way everything ive written before is still there, and of course all of you guys know where to find me...
( thanks for the support btw, i love that you all love what i write so much it means so much to me!)
So give me say a few hours?!?
Thank you for over 15,000 readers :) xxxxxx
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Sunday, 16 September 2012
And leave nothing less...
You will notice me
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see
Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here
I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long
Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see
Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here
I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long
Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place
9/11 dedication
Ok I know this is late I've had a lot of problems over the past week, like one hell of a lot so I really have not had a chance to get on.
This is my finished project of tattoo number 14 in dedication to America, those who lost their lives and those were affected, so, if you were affected in anyway this ink is for you too.
I wasn't going to add a picture on here because my legs are hideously fat and ugly and should quite honestly die... But I thought that there's not really a point if I'm not going to actually let the people it's for see it.
I'm gonna explain the reason i got this tattoo done because I think that's important, most of all because I'm English and I bet most of you are thinking why on earth would you have that!!!
Well number one even though I was young, I still remember where I was EXACTLY when I first heard... I still remember exactly what was said, exactly how I felt... My heart..was broken into a 1000 little pieces, before that I'd never ever felt that emotion, as a kid I'd learnt to really harden my heart so for something to affect me.. Well...it had to go one, you could have walked over stabbed my in the heart and it would not have emotionally hurt me as much as the 9/11 did that day. I also know that before that day I loved to travel and be on a plane I loved to see the world and flying and the getting there was the best part ever, taking off in a plane was so exciting for me! Since that day I've been too scared to fly, for years I flat out refused to go on a plane, then when I did first go on a plane to germany i crapped myself I had a mental breakdown I was so scared...even now I hate flying I mean... I do it, one dream for me is to see this world and experience as many cultures as possible, I want to go and teach the world though the beauty of music what world peace is about... That unfortunately means I have to be prepared to fly, but I have panic attacks for weeks before now... Before I fly I have to go on the air crash safety database look at the airline I'm flying with see how many incidents they have had, what caused them, then I have to work out the chance it will happen again... Then I have to learn the entire layout of the plane I'm going on so of anything happened I could try and get everyone out...I have to do calming exercises. I got the flight simulator game and I'll put planes in all sorts of problems and REFUSE to move from that screen until I've landed it perfectly at least 20 times on the trot and I'll fly the route I'm flying... I also set it so I have to do all services myself...I know it's a million times different to a real plane but I get comfort that I have some chance if I was asked to help the pilot I would know where everything is and what it all meant,...it's ridiculous it takes me about 6 months to prepare to fly. The idea of flying American and united airlines most of all anything to do with new York and Boston scares me half to death and that is something I will have to get myself over one day because I want to go ground zero... I don't blame America I blame the terrorists... Where is happened when I was young I just think of that without helping it...
Also I've been to America and honestly I can say I LOVE it with all my heart, I have hundreds of friends and families who are like families to me so it's hard to think its their country going through that... I also have best friends who lost people and another who watched the towers fall in person... She is still traumatised by it everyday.. It's for people like that I got this tattoo. I hate fighting I hate war and this event was what made me want the world peace... I couldn't even care less if I end up getting myself shot like JFK and John Lennon did, if it means that in years to come there is peace on this earth it would be a price I'd pay without question.
9/11 made me who I am today, it's shaped me, it's made me the person 'who will change the world' and other things like that that people have said...
Stars and stripes keep standing strong
You are all incredible
Love love love.
This is my finished project of tattoo number 14 in dedication to America, those who lost their lives and those were affected, so, if you were affected in anyway this ink is for you too.
I wasn't going to add a picture on here because my legs are hideously fat and ugly and should quite honestly die... But I thought that there's not really a point if I'm not going to actually let the people it's for see it.
I'm gonna explain the reason i got this tattoo done because I think that's important, most of all because I'm English and I bet most of you are thinking why on earth would you have that!!!
Well number one even though I was young, I still remember where I was EXACTLY when I first heard... I still remember exactly what was said, exactly how I felt... My heart..was broken into a 1000 little pieces, before that I'd never ever felt that emotion, as a kid I'd learnt to really harden my heart so for something to affect me.. Well...it had to go one, you could have walked over stabbed my in the heart and it would not have emotionally hurt me as much as the 9/11 did that day. I also know that before that day I loved to travel and be on a plane I loved to see the world and flying and the getting there was the best part ever, taking off in a plane was so exciting for me! Since that day I've been too scared to fly, for years I flat out refused to go on a plane, then when I did first go on a plane to germany i crapped myself I had a mental breakdown I was so scared...even now I hate flying I mean... I do it, one dream for me is to see this world and experience as many cultures as possible, I want to go and teach the world though the beauty of music what world peace is about... That unfortunately means I have to be prepared to fly, but I have panic attacks for weeks before now... Before I fly I have to go on the air crash safety database look at the airline I'm flying with see how many incidents they have had, what caused them, then I have to work out the chance it will happen again... Then I have to learn the entire layout of the plane I'm going on so of anything happened I could try and get everyone out...I have to do calming exercises. I got the flight simulator game and I'll put planes in all sorts of problems and REFUSE to move from that screen until I've landed it perfectly at least 20 times on the trot and I'll fly the route I'm flying... I also set it so I have to do all services myself...I know it's a million times different to a real plane but I get comfort that I have some chance if I was asked to help the pilot I would know where everything is and what it all meant,...it's ridiculous it takes me about 6 months to prepare to fly. The idea of flying American and united airlines most of all anything to do with new York and Boston scares me half to death and that is something I will have to get myself over one day because I want to go ground zero... I don't blame America I blame the terrorists... Where is happened when I was young I just think of that without helping it...
Also I've been to America and honestly I can say I LOVE it with all my heart, I have hundreds of friends and families who are like families to me so it's hard to think its their country going through that... I also have best friends who lost people and another who watched the towers fall in person... She is still traumatised by it everyday.. It's for people like that I got this tattoo. I hate fighting I hate war and this event was what made me want the world peace... I couldn't even care less if I end up getting myself shot like JFK and John Lennon did, if it means that in years to come there is peace on this earth it would be a price I'd pay without question.
9/11 made me who I am today, it's shaped me, it's made me the person 'who will change the world' and other things like that that people have said...
Stars and stripes keep standing strong
You are all incredible
Love love love.
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
9/11 two thousand and one
thirteen years on and the 9/11 is still something that plays upon my heart and mind every single day and on today, it plays on my mind 24/7. I wish more than ever that i could be in new york that i could be a part of the crowd standing and honouring the dead at ground zero...not that i won't spend my time honouring them here.
I can't believe that this awful tragedy took place 11 years ago because in my heart i literally can remember it as if it were yesterday..i can remember exactly where i was, exactly what the news reader said...and it pains my heart so so bad...There is no forgetting it, there is no brushing the memory aside, i don't think it is possible to do that with something on an epic scale like this.I wish there was a button to life that erases things that are so tragic, but theres not...this is life as we know it ,no matter how much i throw a hissy fit and protest...no matter how much any one throws one...its only significant when more than one person does it at once.
I hope that all the victims are at peace now and not still left suffering with the question of why..don't try to understand, this is not something we are meant to understand, walk to the light, let go and be free like you all so greatly deserve. I trust that the angels were there that day...i fully believe in the angels, and even though it broke their heart because they could not take the pain away, i believe they lifted you all up in their arms and took you up to god...i believe this with all my heart. i know your souls are not lost anywhere, i know the angels made sure you got home safe. I want you all to know that we think about you everyday, not just me, but as a world you are within are hearts always, not a day goes by when we do not pray for your souls, today more than ever. I can promise you that you did not die in vain...i can promise that.
Bin Laden and co (i know I'm pure evil for wishing this on another human being) but i hope you rot in hell forever...but id like to increase your suffering now by telling you your plan never worked, you did not crush america, they stood strong...in fact...they are stronger now than they have ever been before. Your 'event; was also the one thing that inspired a change in me, even at a very young age it made me want world peace, it made me want to make this world a safe place for every human and every creature to live, the complete opposite of what you wanted, and trust me when i say...i will make the world free one day...just me time. 'We must realise that a change can only come when we stand together as one' and i think the world...every year starts to learn that a little tiny bit more....enough that it looks insignificant at the time...but over the years it makes a big difference. Yes there will always be 'the others' but if we can get 99.9% of the world fighting for peace then thats good enough for me... i will laugh in your face...i cannot wait for the world to finally get one over on the people like you.
America god bless you all i know how hard this day must be for you i wish you all peace...you are a wonderful and incredible country and i adore spending my time there when i get the money to visit. There will be no more of this one day i promise.
You may say i'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one, i hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one
in memory of the victims and dedicated to the families of the 9/11. Also for america itself.
I can't believe that this awful tragedy took place 11 years ago because in my heart i literally can remember it as if it were yesterday..i can remember exactly where i was, exactly what the news reader said...and it pains my heart so so bad...There is no forgetting it, there is no brushing the memory aside, i don't think it is possible to do that with something on an epic scale like this.I wish there was a button to life that erases things that are so tragic, but theres not...this is life as we know it ,no matter how much i throw a hissy fit and protest...no matter how much any one throws one...its only significant when more than one person does it at once.
I hope that all the victims are at peace now and not still left suffering with the question of why..don't try to understand, this is not something we are meant to understand, walk to the light, let go and be free like you all so greatly deserve. I trust that the angels were there that day...i fully believe in the angels, and even though it broke their heart because they could not take the pain away, i believe they lifted you all up in their arms and took you up to god...i believe this with all my heart. i know your souls are not lost anywhere, i know the angels made sure you got home safe. I want you all to know that we think about you everyday, not just me, but as a world you are within are hearts always, not a day goes by when we do not pray for your souls, today more than ever. I can promise you that you did not die in vain...i can promise that.Bin Laden and co (i know I'm pure evil for wishing this on another human being) but i hope you rot in hell forever...but id like to increase your suffering now by telling you your plan never worked, you did not crush america, they stood strong...in fact...they are stronger now than they have ever been before. Your 'event; was also the one thing that inspired a change in me, even at a very young age it made me want world peace, it made me want to make this world a safe place for every human and every creature to live, the complete opposite of what you wanted, and trust me when i say...i will make the world free one day...just me time. 'We must realise that a change can only come when we stand together as one' and i think the world...every year starts to learn that a little tiny bit more....enough that it looks insignificant at the time...but over the years it makes a big difference. Yes there will always be 'the others' but if we can get 99.9% of the world fighting for peace then thats good enough for me... i will laugh in your face...i cannot wait for the world to finally get one over on the people like you.
America god bless you all i know how hard this day must be for you i wish you all peace...you are a wonderful and incredible country and i adore spending my time there when i get the money to visit. There will be no more of this one day i promise.
You may say i'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one, i hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one
in memory of the victims and dedicated to the families of the 9/11. Also for america itself.
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
Dreams can come true
Why is it that you spend your entire life believing that your dreams can always come true as long as you stick to them and keep going? Only I few years later you give fighting the tears and frustration at another failed attempt of something you will never achieve. Then to get all of your dreams rushing at you at the speed of light and you have to decide what path you want to take.
I have always known since I was young were I wanted my life to go roughly... As in what direction I wanted to take.. For example I knew I wanted to dance (but not as a career) I had a moment where I thought it was a good idea to dedicate my life to it but i listened to what my heart was telling me to do. Dance is still one of the reasons I breathe don't get me wrong, and most of all of course lyrical, I can get so much of my emotions out though putting music on and letting go. Another dream I wanted to work with animals and children I didn't know how exactly but I wanted that so bad... And last but not least by a long shot I wanted to travel the world and change and touch lives.
I spent years keeping on and on telling myself it will happen because I've never wanted anything more than my hearts desire and then when I got into this freaky depression phrase I was like 'you know what dreams are complete and utter bull' I remember telling my self about a year back that I was never going dream again because all I got was hurt...broken and let down. Literally everything was going wrong and every time I found hope to cling to it was snatched away from me. This year I decided I would give up and let my dreams come to me... And the crazy thing is 2 of my 'it will never happen' dreams I got to live out and still am living out and I also have another 2 dreams pending!!! Just the very moment I stopped.. Took a breath and gave in to life and let it do all the hard work.
Ive also had opportunities to do so much but I've needed to pick what right now was the most important for me and most beneficial to my soul. I figured I'm 20 I've still got time to do the lot yet!!
Never give up on you dreams but at the same time stop chasing them, let them be the ones to come to you
I have always known since I was young were I wanted my life to go roughly... As in what direction I wanted to take.. For example I knew I wanted to dance (but not as a career) I had a moment where I thought it was a good idea to dedicate my life to it but i listened to what my heart was telling me to do. Dance is still one of the reasons I breathe don't get me wrong, and most of all of course lyrical, I can get so much of my emotions out though putting music on and letting go. Another dream I wanted to work with animals and children I didn't know how exactly but I wanted that so bad... And last but not least by a long shot I wanted to travel the world and change and touch lives.
I spent years keeping on and on telling myself it will happen because I've never wanted anything more than my hearts desire and then when I got into this freaky depression phrase I was like 'you know what dreams are complete and utter bull' I remember telling my self about a year back that I was never going dream again because all I got was hurt...broken and let down. Literally everything was going wrong and every time I found hope to cling to it was snatched away from me. This year I decided I would give up and let my dreams come to me... And the crazy thing is 2 of my 'it will never happen' dreams I got to live out and still am living out and I also have another 2 dreams pending!!! Just the very moment I stopped.. Took a breath and gave in to life and let it do all the hard work.
Ive also had opportunities to do so much but I've needed to pick what right now was the most important for me and most beneficial to my soul. I figured I'm 20 I've still got time to do the lot yet!!
Never give up on you dreams but at the same time stop chasing them, let them be the ones to come to you
Monday, 3 September 2012
Love is what is needed
Something thats been bugging me tonight that i really wanted to get out in the open and just write about... Im not using names because that is unfair in this situation...but i know someone...or have come to know someone very recently who was in a major band and was famous all over the world. When i was younger they also happened to be my favourite band and actually in a million ways still are...i have all their music on my ipod i listen all the time and i know all the words...Alot of their songs have alot of depth and meaning for me.
So a few years back now this wonderful woman went though a really bad time, really bad and publicly to which makes the situation even more shit...i was having a moment and listening to their music on you tube tonight and i came across this awful video of her being interviewed and just breaking down in the middle of it...then to my horror i looked at the comments below to find most of them were still against her i ranted on there too i got so mad i couldnt help it.
If your reading my blog then i fully believe you have a true heart therefore please use this entry to educate others around you as im sure you already know this, let them look to this as an example.
First of all im going though the whole depression thing now and trust me when I say its not nice...imagine being locked in a small dark box so you cant move with hardly enough air to breathe...now imagine that 24/7... thats depression.. it really is evil, its such a strong force and as much as people say its a cry for attention it's really not.
A person with depression is living in a completely different world from those around them..depression is like another person taking hold of you, a person that lets you sit in your own body whilst they take over and poison your thoughts and your actions, and the more you shout for them to let you out the more they will just push you away. Basically...I've had this since i was 12 and its been getting worse and worse to points where ive tried to kill myself quite a few times...its been at points where ive had to be pinned down just to stop me from beating myself to death...weeks where i refused to eat..i would sit and cut and not even register in my brain i was doing it until i looked down...saw the blood and snapped out of my trance state...
Things are alot better for me now...but...depression is an awful awful illness...and very serious...if someone had cancer you would never tell them to just get over it, so i dont understand why people tell you to just get over depression...its as much of an illness as cancer is. very different yes..but very much serious in its own right... people with depression need support and love...not to be called a liar and a fake.
Anywho so the beautiful lady i know...i never realised till i saw that video how bad it was, and trust me when i see her next i am going to be giving her a huge huge huge huge hug. I want this blog to teach you not to judge someone just by what you see...and also that we as humans make mistakes..we need to support and love in order to grow.She was at the point of killing herself...she was a mess...almost as bad as i was at my worst and when i was at that state i couldnt bring myself back so she done amazingly well to do so. Basically people were saying things about her and judging her on one or two little things she had said and no matter how many times she explained what really happened and what was meant people put her down more. There are comments on the video saying shes a bitch and dont care about anyone but herself...HA...when i first met her i didnt even realise who she was because ok i am a dumbshit but shes not this stuck up person people say she is..not at all when im around her both of us normally have no make up and have anything thrown on... She was so down to earth and gentle and caring i adored her from the moment i met her. When i finally realised who she was i had a major star struck moment for about two weeks where i would hide when she was near... (i know fucking retarded but thats me) my mum was like 'Vikkie stop being so bloody pathetic and give her a hug' so i just asked her one day can i have a hug and straight away she was like of course! and it was a hug with feeling and meaning. I mean im ok now i feel just like normal hence the fact ill let her see me without make up! But now when i have my bad days she will sit on the floor with me and give me huge hugs and make sure im ok just like my friends would...shes incredible really and has the most beautiful heart..i can honestly say everything in the media was complete and utter bullshit. I also spoke with her mom and aunt etc so i know the real story behind it...
Guys..when someone has depression you dont sit there and mock them and start with stupid stories please..its fucking stupid...i honestly believe along with her that if it were not for her best friend..well..all because she was hounded so so much by the media when what she really needed was love and support...The media calling her a bully...well that is SO SO far from the truth so far...all over a few words which i believe really were taken the wrong way.
Right and you know what im just gonna switch to the point of view that what is said is always meant...ok well...fair enough...but why the fuck keep on? people make mistakes thats what we do thats how we learn and grow, if everything always went smooth life would be shit, boring and there would be nothing to sing about, nothing to make movies about, there wouldnt be a world....the way i look at things..something is said well its done, you cant take it back...you move on...spesh on bullshit (sorry but i have to say that). Just she knows herself what bullying is like so why would she do that to anyone else...
Please by reading this try and understand where im coming from...no body needs to know the person im talking about but know by not supporting people you can make them a million times worse.
I'm out
if you have been affected by what ive wrote here please visit a mental health website such as MIND or your local health centre dont be alone, this story above and my story to shows exactly what can happen when you leave things. if you have been affected by the bullying side please also find help for that...
thank you
So a few years back now this wonderful woman went though a really bad time, really bad and publicly to which makes the situation even more shit...i was having a moment and listening to their music on you tube tonight and i came across this awful video of her being interviewed and just breaking down in the middle of it...then to my horror i looked at the comments below to find most of them were still against her i ranted on there too i got so mad i couldnt help it.
If your reading my blog then i fully believe you have a true heart therefore please use this entry to educate others around you as im sure you already know this, let them look to this as an example.
First of all im going though the whole depression thing now and trust me when I say its not nice...imagine being locked in a small dark box so you cant move with hardly enough air to breathe...now imagine that 24/7... thats depression.. it really is evil, its such a strong force and as much as people say its a cry for attention it's really not.
A person with depression is living in a completely different world from those around them..depression is like another person taking hold of you, a person that lets you sit in your own body whilst they take over and poison your thoughts and your actions, and the more you shout for them to let you out the more they will just push you away. Basically...I've had this since i was 12 and its been getting worse and worse to points where ive tried to kill myself quite a few times...its been at points where ive had to be pinned down just to stop me from beating myself to death...weeks where i refused to eat..i would sit and cut and not even register in my brain i was doing it until i looked down...saw the blood and snapped out of my trance state...
Things are alot better for me now...but...depression is an awful awful illness...and very serious...if someone had cancer you would never tell them to just get over it, so i dont understand why people tell you to just get over depression...its as much of an illness as cancer is. very different yes..but very much serious in its own right... people with depression need support and love...not to be called a liar and a fake.
Anywho so the beautiful lady i know...i never realised till i saw that video how bad it was, and trust me when i see her next i am going to be giving her a huge huge huge huge hug. I want this blog to teach you not to judge someone just by what you see...and also that we as humans make mistakes..we need to support and love in order to grow.She was at the point of killing herself...she was a mess...almost as bad as i was at my worst and when i was at that state i couldnt bring myself back so she done amazingly well to do so. Basically people were saying things about her and judging her on one or two little things she had said and no matter how many times she explained what really happened and what was meant people put her down more. There are comments on the video saying shes a bitch and dont care about anyone but herself...HA...when i first met her i didnt even realise who she was because ok i am a dumbshit but shes not this stuck up person people say she is..not at all when im around her both of us normally have no make up and have anything thrown on... She was so down to earth and gentle and caring i adored her from the moment i met her. When i finally realised who she was i had a major star struck moment for about two weeks where i would hide when she was near... (i know fucking retarded but thats me) my mum was like 'Vikkie stop being so bloody pathetic and give her a hug' so i just asked her one day can i have a hug and straight away she was like of course! and it was a hug with feeling and meaning. I mean im ok now i feel just like normal hence the fact ill let her see me without make up! But now when i have my bad days she will sit on the floor with me and give me huge hugs and make sure im ok just like my friends would...shes incredible really and has the most beautiful heart..i can honestly say everything in the media was complete and utter bullshit. I also spoke with her mom and aunt etc so i know the real story behind it...
Guys..when someone has depression you dont sit there and mock them and start with stupid stories please..its fucking stupid...i honestly believe along with her that if it were not for her best friend..well..all because she was hounded so so much by the media when what she really needed was love and support...The media calling her a bully...well that is SO SO far from the truth so far...all over a few words which i believe really were taken the wrong way.
Right and you know what im just gonna switch to the point of view that what is said is always meant...ok well...fair enough...but why the fuck keep on? people make mistakes thats what we do thats how we learn and grow, if everything always went smooth life would be shit, boring and there would be nothing to sing about, nothing to make movies about, there wouldnt be a world....the way i look at things..something is said well its done, you cant take it back...you move on...spesh on bullshit (sorry but i have to say that). Just she knows herself what bullying is like so why would she do that to anyone else...
Please by reading this try and understand where im coming from...no body needs to know the person im talking about but know by not supporting people you can make them a million times worse.
I'm out
if you have been affected by what ive wrote here please visit a mental health website such as MIND or your local health centre dont be alone, this story above and my story to shows exactly what can happen when you leave things. if you have been affected by the bullying side please also find help for that...
thank you
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Friends like mine
Right blogging time! Im going to try and get myself back in the habit of blogging about things when i need to instead of sitting there taking it out on myself and practically getting no where in the long run. It's actually thanks to a text i got from my best and she and only she will know exactly the thing thats currently bothering me in a personal level.
Ive just been thinking today about a handful of my friends who seem to care for me and i mean REALLY care....like adore me to little pieces care...and then been wondering just simply why because i really am nothing at all special, or worth it...nothing...It's also the friends that are like angels that im talking about...Ive been thinking about it to a point where its tore me emotionally and got me into a right state...Ive been sitting here thinking about how much i dont deserve these friends and then replaying in my head every messed up thing that went wrong in my life....I mean i have friends whom everyone loves, everyone adores, everyone wants to be friends with...and yet...they are friends with me and its insane...
I have friends that have stood by me through thick and thin no matter what has gone on they have not left my side...even when the whole world did
I have friends who have faith in me and say 'you know what? lets do it!' and dont base my future and what I can do on just my past. If there is a dream they help me along and encourage me to pursue it.
I have friends who will give me the most amazing most beautiful hugs in the entire universe, they know if my go away leave me alone means 'go away leave me be' or 'no dont go i want you to hug me' These are the friends who think nothing of climbing in bed next to me and hugging me all night when i feel alone, afraid, upset or scared...
I have friends that know me better than i actually know myself that can tell my life story better than i can just because they listen to everything i say and hold in their hearts even when i forget...Theyll remind me of the long forgotten good times when im upset to make me laugh, or remind me of a situation ive been in before that ive managed to come though even if it meant coming face to face with the devil.
I have friends all over the world who all still give me time, attention, even when i dont deserve it...they message me if i havnt spoken to them in a week or so and be like 'i love you dont forget ok?' it makes my day, I love love, and those three simple words as long as they are meant mean more than the world to me. I have friends who use the line 'you do that and hurt yourself then you hurt me too' and as much as i loathe that when it happens, its normally the thing that will stop me doing whatever retarded thing i had planned out..in the long run it means epic amounts to me.
I have friends who i can act like a 5 year old again with and its perfectly ok...(Emma & Alice!!!) i can run around asda with them finding fruit that looks like rude parts of the body....or bombing down the aisle on the trolley singing...or dancing to music...or doing something totally and utterly pointless and stupid that just scares people into thinking weve escaped from the loony bin.
How do i deserve this...? I mean i could go on for alot longer but i cant remember what i wrote and what i havnt wrote and im too tired to keep reading back to check....
I'm not amazing, im not even a person worth a thought...yet i have friends like this?
Sunday, 12 August 2012
John Lennon brings me back
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
― John Lennon
Okay guys i know I've been seriously abusing my log recently and not writing anything...but i really have had a lot going on..alot of the time, and then I've also been sick so I've not had time to sit down an get to write...but this...literally forced me to get on here...
Well i was just watching the closing ceremony for the London 2012 olympics and i can honestly say I've never seen anything more amazing in my life than what the John Lennon tribute was...i would describe it but considering that by now the whole world has prob seen it i don't see the point.
But wow...London thank you thank you for bring my hero back from the dead for a night, thank you for giving him a chance to get his message of hope and love across the oceans and to all the different countries...i think he's look down right now crying with tears of joy. I was sitting trying so hard not to cry watching that play across my screen and i didn't even manage to control my heart for a second...The song Imagine is very special to me and sums up a lot of what has happened in my life...it also sums up who i am today and what i want for this world...recently I've been falling back, because I realised there was 'no hope' for this world and all humans will do is distory it and each other...seeing a group of people singing that song all together, whilst having it played out to the world also in sign language well it got me big time... tomorrow I'm going back to my hippie look that i so miss... I've realised there is hope there is always hope...and I'm not going to give up on this world yet...well never actually. One day, if we keep performing like this, i believe the world really will live as one.
Why does it matter if your black, white, asian, mixed race, straight, lesbian, transgender, gay or bi? why does it matter if your hindu, mormon or whatever religion you are....why should people care if someone wears glasses, or likes tattoos and piercings...or likes to cut their hair differently to others....why is standing out so wrong and why must people be punished...what i saw tonight has given me a reason to keep on believing that one day every heart beating on this planet will come together in realising they all beat for the same reason, breathe the same oxygen and live under the same sky...and that they are meant to be together...not at war all the time...
Please anyone who is reading this...really think about it...we are one..we just need to see that. I mean the Olympics for a start...look what we can do when we stand together.
There is no limit to what we can change.
― John Lennon
Okay guys i know I've been seriously abusing my log recently and not writing anything...but i really have had a lot going on..alot of the time, and then I've also been sick so I've not had time to sit down an get to write...but this...literally forced me to get on here...
Well i was just watching the closing ceremony for the London 2012 olympics and i can honestly say I've never seen anything more amazing in my life than what the John Lennon tribute was...i would describe it but considering that by now the whole world has prob seen it i don't see the point.
But wow...London thank you thank you for bring my hero back from the dead for a night, thank you for giving him a chance to get his message of hope and love across the oceans and to all the different countries...i think he's look down right now crying with tears of joy. I was sitting trying so hard not to cry watching that play across my screen and i didn't even manage to control my heart for a second...The song Imagine is very special to me and sums up a lot of what has happened in my life...it also sums up who i am today and what i want for this world...recently I've been falling back, because I realised there was 'no hope' for this world and all humans will do is distory it and each other...seeing a group of people singing that song all together, whilst having it played out to the world also in sign language well it got me big time... tomorrow I'm going back to my hippie look that i so miss... I've realised there is hope there is always hope...and I'm not going to give up on this world yet...well never actually. One day, if we keep performing like this, i believe the world really will live as one.
Please anyone who is reading this...really think about it...we are one..we just need to see that. I mean the Olympics for a start...look what we can do when we stand together.
There is no limit to what we can change.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Alaina Wood
I remember a few weeks back actually saying i would put this blog on and its stupid because its only just going on now but here it is :)
This woman, she's just incredible and i think that spending almost two weeks literally traveling with just this one person i got to learn that even more so... in fact i learnt a lot more about myself when i was with her... i learnt that for a fact, there is such thing in the world as forgiveness and that people don't judge you for your past, i mean, ok she didn't know anything about my past...but... she never once judged me on anything that i told her and i mean anything.. This woman is kind, compassionate and caring and i literally couldn't believe she would give a crap about me... I know one night i got really upset...whilst we were in Michigan i think (not saying why trust me i had reason to be) and Alaina let me cry on my own for a while... (i have this thing when i'm upset if people come near me) she gave me some space that i needed and you guys on here cannot imagine what that meant. Normally when I'm crying i find it hard to breathe anyway and even more so when my heart is hurting like it was that day, so when i have people all over me, hugging me and trying to 'talk'.. it really does make everything worse i feel suffocated then i end up getting angry and panic more....not good...Well anyway Alaina gave me time to calm myself down and then go to her to get a hug...on my terms and then sat hugging me for hours without moaning or complaining....i feel like...for me..that is a real friend..a person who understands you, even if they don't feel the way you do. In Nebraska when i got to meet up with Rhonda i was so scared and so nervous and having about a 1000 mini panic attacks on the plane there...Alaina was the one there the entire time...i think that...i wouldn't have got out the if it had not been for her coming with me, and you can see by my previous blog that going to nebraska was the best thing i ever done...URGH i just have so much to be thankful for its unreal...even the subbing me money for the rest of the trip...
i have this incredible friend called Alaina and i really felt the need to write something after spending more time with her in her home a few weeks back.
Well i met Alaina about 6 1/2 years ago now taking my first YA workshop and that is the one where you had the whole thing going on with Gweedo...its crazy because i never really got to speak to her in the time we were actually together and in the time that i were taking the workshop that year but we got talking after on myspace....yes my space it was that long ago, and i ended up regretting the fact i didn't go hug her all the times when i was dying to inside. Well anyway last year i was talking about her about the fact i wanted to visit America, and i knew in my heart that she HAD to be one of the people i needed to meet this time around...six years...well its stupid and awful...When she turned around and said i could stay with her i was in so much shock...so as a thank you i took her with me to Michigan and Nebraska with me too.
This woman, she's just incredible and i think that spending almost two weeks literally traveling with just this one person i got to learn that even more so... in fact i learnt a lot more about myself when i was with her... i learnt that for a fact, there is such thing in the world as forgiveness and that people don't judge you for your past, i mean, ok she didn't know anything about my past...but... she never once judged me on anything that i told her and i mean anything.. This woman is kind, compassionate and caring and i literally couldn't believe she would give a crap about me... I know one night i got really upset...whilst we were in Michigan i think (not saying why trust me i had reason to be) and Alaina let me cry on my own for a while... (i have this thing when i'm upset if people come near me) she gave me some space that i needed and you guys on here cannot imagine what that meant. Normally when I'm crying i find it hard to breathe anyway and even more so when my heart is hurting like it was that day, so when i have people all over me, hugging me and trying to 'talk'.. it really does make everything worse i feel suffocated then i end up getting angry and panic more....not good...Well anyway Alaina gave me time to calm myself down and then go to her to get a hug...on my terms and then sat hugging me for hours without moaning or complaining....i feel like...for me..that is a real friend..a person who understands you, even if they don't feel the way you do. In Nebraska when i got to meet up with Rhonda i was so scared and so nervous and having about a 1000 mini panic attacks on the plane there...Alaina was the one there the entire time...i think that...i wouldn't have got out the if it had not been for her coming with me, and you can see by my previous blog that going to nebraska was the best thing i ever done...URGH i just have so much to be thankful for its unreal...even the subbing me money for the rest of the trip...
Please google her fitness company Alaina Wood Fitness (she has a blogger too) and if you are in the provo area of Utah maybe run along to one of her classes.. she really is awesome..such an incredible person.
Alaina i love you, thank you so much for everything you have done. I hope we meet again
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Meeting Gweedo's mom finally
Ok well...i REALLY want to write about michigan and everything but that would take me wayyy to long as would talking about my whole trip so im just going to write about this one, because it's something ive been dying to do for 6 years, and theres been so many chances and so many opportunities then something would happen blah blah, and plans would go out of the window.
Well do you know i am FOREVER going on about Gweedo and the Young Americans cast of 2006? Since everything happened i have always wanted to meet his mom and his family...i wanted to be able to show them in person what her son had done without even being there...how much this incredible being and soul, had changed my life so much.
I remember that i felt sick with nerves before i met her...so sick...and alaina was telling me over and over that it would be ok. I was to scared that Rhonda would hate me or some over thing like that.... The second i met her though i KNEW that was different and i knew that she was this amazing incredible person everyone made her out to be and whom i felt she was in my heart...there were a few tears i have to admit that..from all sides. when i first hugged her it was like..i.cant.believe.that.this.is.happening, finally i was there seeing this woman i had been wanting to meet for what seemed life forever...
Just being in nebraska with her was the most perfect thing in the entire universe...for anyone who has not been the let me tell you it is the most beautiful place in the world...like so pretty...and so perfect...ok a little too hot during the summer time but good all the same...
When we got back to her house she literally showed us where everything was, and said welcome home, her house instantly felt like home too...in dont know why i think it was just her heart or something i dont know...i felt right at home from being so freaking scared at the start.
I was pleasured to get to play Gweedo's guitar....that brought along a few tears but oh my gosh i felt so great and so honoured, and happy....it meant alot to me to be alloud to do that, and all i kept getting told was 'he would so wanted you to have played that it's ok of course you can'
On the first night we sat up and watched the 2006 DVD for the show at my town...it was emotional, but at the same time i laughed all the way though...it was pretty much the same i always do just with Rhonda and Alaina crying with me.
I know that it was the best moment of my life when i got to meet Gweedos sister Brook finally...she is honestly the most stunning woman you could ever meet in your life and because of that i was like freaking out even more...oh and the fact she'd been Miss Nebraska didnt help...i dont know why and i know im just being a sterotype but i was so so scared she would judge me for being so ugly...but she didnt there were hugs..and tea haha..and we got to all have a good chat which made my heart smile inside..saying goodbye she was like 'hug' and held her arms open...i cant believe someone so so flawless done that to me....oh my gosh i would give my life 5000billion trillion million times over to look just a tiny bit as beautiful as her.
That night we got to sit down with Rhonda and Bill and talk about Gweedo and then, there were tears and quite alot of them to be honest.i couldnt stop laughing at some of the things that he got up to when he was younger though, it just confirms i would i have loved him more than words can say...i mean i DO love him more than words but i would have loved being in his company...
Rhonda is kinda insane though and thinks im special and beautiful etc...( i know im not so you dont need to start emailing be to stop being vain)...and told me on the last night 'i have something for you, it's not a nebraska hoodie but i think youll like it still...It was Gweedos UK tour 2006 hoodie...she said that it was just sitting in her drawer and she couldnt think of anyone more perfect to give it to than me....well that opened a floodgate...i hugged and hugged her and cried and cried...basically only the 2006 cast have these hoddies...the 2006 cast mean SO much to me...so so so so so much...I mean i dont talk to some of them now...and some i didnt talk to much at the time...but they all have such a huge incredible space in my heart.
The next day we got to stop off at Omaha's old market which was BEAUTIFUL i wish i took pictures now but i generally didnt think at the time..i promise to do that when i go back though...oh and i got to walk to Iowa which made me smile inside :) We met with one of Alaina's close friends from back in the YA days, and just wow..i swear she was incredible too...i dont understand how it is like that in america...ive not met a bad person yet...(i know i know i will) and when she first met me she shook me hand, which i thought was sweet...im very much so used to just hugging people now so it dont bother me in the slightest but in England you never really hug someone you have never met or spoken to before....and i still hugged her goodbye, i believe that anything can happen..you never know where life is going to take you or what its going to give so you live up each moment and treasure every person even if they are only your life for a second...show them you are thankful for them being there. I always thought that way, it was the way i had looked at things since my first workshop (2006) with the Young Americans, but...talking to Alaina and her telling me how Gweedo we perfectly fine laughing and joking the night before.....well...it just goes to show.
anywho i think this blog is long enough ive got most of the important bits out. the bits that may have a signifcant impact of other people idk.... but one more thing i will be moving to america i dont know how soon because of my stuff going on but it will happen :) yayayayayayayya
Well do you know i am FOREVER going on about Gweedo and the Young Americans cast of 2006? Since everything happened i have always wanted to meet his mom and his family...i wanted to be able to show them in person what her son had done without even being there...how much this incredible being and soul, had changed my life so much.
I remember that i felt sick with nerves before i met her...so sick...and alaina was telling me over and over that it would be ok. I was to scared that Rhonda would hate me or some over thing like that.... The second i met her though i KNEW that was different and i knew that she was this amazing incredible person everyone made her out to be and whom i felt she was in my heart...there were a few tears i have to admit that..from all sides. when i first hugged her it was like..i.cant.believe.that.this.is.happening, finally i was there seeing this woman i had been wanting to meet for what seemed life forever...
Just being in nebraska with her was the most perfect thing in the entire universe...for anyone who has not been the let me tell you it is the most beautiful place in the world...like so pretty...and so perfect...ok a little too hot during the summer time but good all the same...
When we got back to her house she literally showed us where everything was, and said welcome home, her house instantly felt like home too...in dont know why i think it was just her heart or something i dont know...i felt right at home from being so freaking scared at the start.
I was pleasured to get to play Gweedo's guitar....that brought along a few tears but oh my gosh i felt so great and so honoured, and happy....it meant alot to me to be alloud to do that, and all i kept getting told was 'he would so wanted you to have played that it's ok of course you can'
On the first night we sat up and watched the 2006 DVD for the show at my town...it was emotional, but at the same time i laughed all the way though...it was pretty much the same i always do just with Rhonda and Alaina crying with me.
I know that it was the best moment of my life when i got to meet Gweedos sister Brook finally...she is honestly the most stunning woman you could ever meet in your life and because of that i was like freaking out even more...oh and the fact she'd been Miss Nebraska didnt help...i dont know why and i know im just being a sterotype but i was so so scared she would judge me for being so ugly...but she didnt there were hugs..and tea haha..and we got to all have a good chat which made my heart smile inside..saying goodbye she was like 'hug' and held her arms open...i cant believe someone so so flawless done that to me....oh my gosh i would give my life 5000billion trillion million times over to look just a tiny bit as beautiful as her.
That night we got to sit down with Rhonda and Bill and talk about Gweedo and then, there were tears and quite alot of them to be honest.i couldnt stop laughing at some of the things that he got up to when he was younger though, it just confirms i would i have loved him more than words can say...i mean i DO love him more than words but i would have loved being in his company...
Rhonda is kinda insane though and thinks im special and beautiful etc...( i know im not so you dont need to start emailing be to stop being vain)...and told me on the last night 'i have something for you, it's not a nebraska hoodie but i think youll like it still...It was Gweedos UK tour 2006 hoodie...she said that it was just sitting in her drawer and she couldnt think of anyone more perfect to give it to than me....well that opened a floodgate...i hugged and hugged her and cried and cried...basically only the 2006 cast have these hoddies...the 2006 cast mean SO much to me...so so so so so much...I mean i dont talk to some of them now...and some i didnt talk to much at the time...but they all have such a huge incredible space in my heart.
The next day we got to stop off at Omaha's old market which was BEAUTIFUL i wish i took pictures now but i generally didnt think at the time..i promise to do that when i go back though...oh and i got to walk to Iowa which made me smile inside :) We met with one of Alaina's close friends from back in the YA days, and just wow..i swear she was incredible too...i dont understand how it is like that in america...ive not met a bad person yet...(i know i know i will) and when she first met me she shook me hand, which i thought was sweet...im very much so used to just hugging people now so it dont bother me in the slightest but in England you never really hug someone you have never met or spoken to before....and i still hugged her goodbye, i believe that anything can happen..you never know where life is going to take you or what its going to give so you live up each moment and treasure every person even if they are only your life for a second...show them you are thankful for them being there. I always thought that way, it was the way i had looked at things since my first workshop (2006) with the Young Americans, but...talking to Alaina and her telling me how Gweedo we perfectly fine laughing and joking the night before.....well...it just goes to show.
anywho i think this blog is long enough ive got most of the important bits out. the bits that may have a signifcant impact of other people idk.... but one more thing i will be moving to america i dont know how soon because of my stuff going on but it will happen :) yayayayayayayya
Im back again
hey everyone
yes i know...I'm a terrible blogger...or at least i have been recently..im so sorry!
Anywho im gonna try get back into this writing thing because i miss it alot and i miss the stories about peoples lives have inspired by what i write..i figured that im not going to be able to remember everything over the last few months and it would retarded of me to try and do that....sooo....im just gonna do the past week or so....so much has gone on though so i will just give a short hand version for now....im gonna stop writing on here about my life in terms of what i do etc...im gonna dedicate my blog more to spending time teaching other human beings though things that i have learnt..or learn..
I know i cant really have an absence like that without a legit excuse so im gonna explain as much as i can without letting too much out, there are some things you shouldnt share with the world!
Well, ive just been really ill recently, like really ill, and i am pretty much in the same space now..like everything that was going on then is still present now...but...im trying to rise above it...ive been in america the past week or so and some of the people i have met and seen again...just wow...that taught me reasons...and lessons and helped me learn i have choices... there is no such thing as one road...
im gonna go write them blogs up now... but just a message to say i am alive haha.....and the big things that have happened to me...ummm i have an incredible horsie now called Lady...I'll actually write a whole little blog about her at some point but she is SO cute! you guys will love her...even if you hate horses :) Ummm i yet again got to go to Jazz fest in Germany this year which was PERFECT just ahhh :) to be back there in such an amazing place and everything.... :) and then of course i'm now in america... :)
thanks for all the 1000's of views still though guys it means one hell of alot to me ...:) <3
yes i know...I'm a terrible blogger...or at least i have been recently..im so sorry!
Anywho im gonna try get back into this writing thing because i miss it alot and i miss the stories about peoples lives have inspired by what i write..i figured that im not going to be able to remember everything over the last few months and it would retarded of me to try and do that....sooo....im just gonna do the past week or so....so much has gone on though so i will just give a short hand version for now....im gonna stop writing on here about my life in terms of what i do etc...im gonna dedicate my blog more to spending time teaching other human beings though things that i have learnt..or learn..
I know i cant really have an absence like that without a legit excuse so im gonna explain as much as i can without letting too much out, there are some things you shouldnt share with the world!
Well, ive just been really ill recently, like really ill, and i am pretty much in the same space now..like everything that was going on then is still present now...but...im trying to rise above it...ive been in america the past week or so and some of the people i have met and seen again...just wow...that taught me reasons...and lessons and helped me learn i have choices... there is no such thing as one road...
im gonna go write them blogs up now... but just a message to say i am alive haha.....and the big things that have happened to me...ummm i have an incredible horsie now called Lady...I'll actually write a whole little blog about her at some point but she is SO cute! you guys will love her...even if you hate horses :) Ummm i yet again got to go to Jazz fest in Germany this year which was PERFECT just ahhh :) to be back there in such an amazing place and everything.... :) and then of course i'm now in america... :)
thanks for all the 1000's of views still though guys it means one hell of alot to me ...:) <3
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Free..
This is yet another blog i was meant to have written a week or so ago that was really important to me but of which i totally didn't get time to write. I do one of these every year and it never changes...i think...the amount of people i am going to send it to will be less..but still.
6 years ago on the 26th this amazing guy called Gweedo passed away whilst in a group of Young Americans who were touring at the time in the UK...and this story it still touches my heart in every single way...its why i write about it every year. If you want more details go read previous blogs written on the 26th...but basically this cast taught me strength, they taught me courage and they taught me hope...no matter how hard life gets...they helped me have hope.. It's weird because even though it was six years ago and now i have taken ten workshops including in Germany...the one with UK 2006 is the one i remember the most...still after all the time..and no matter what and where i go..when i walk into that workshop...i feel that cast, and Gweedo. In the past three workshops i have taken the YA have sung part of the Beatles medley as an intro to the kids and every time it takes all of my not to cry...because that was in our show (like town kid part) way back then. I always sing with them.
Anyway...I wanted to write a blog dedicated to him, and the one good thing about me writing it a little late is that i can honestly say Gweedo is still so greatly loved, admired and remembered. I've seen so many messages over the past week that have brought tears to my eyes.
Whenever we learn if we hold on together at the end of the show... we are told that this song is sung, in every country, in every workshop and has been for something like 25 years i think it was. It's always, along with lion king, the time i remember that cast and the words of the director which still ring in my head as if they were spoken yesterday.
'now we could not have worked together has closely as we have for the past two and half days without some friendships forming, and some of these friendships, will last long after the applause dies from this hall, and maybe, just maybe, some friendships will last a lifetime. And need i say anymore this last song says it perfectly. 'If we hold on together'
i remember the tears and the emotion that went into that song and now whenever i take a workshop i remember that and make sure that on the line 'As high as souls can fly' i look upwards a send a kiss to heaven.
Uk cast yet another year and you still change my life every single day...like little things you guys done will affect the things that lead to big things for me now.
i am so happy i will get to see some of you again this year, it literally excites me so much... and the fact i get to see beautiful Rhonda makes me even more excited...although i'm certainly going to cry one HELL of a lot..
Please know i still admire you all, your strength and you courage you are all beautiful
Thank you
xx
(This blog was for Gweedo)
6 years ago on the 26th this amazing guy called Gweedo passed away whilst in a group of Young Americans who were touring at the time in the UK...and this story it still touches my heart in every single way...its why i write about it every year. If you want more details go read previous blogs written on the 26th...but basically this cast taught me strength, they taught me courage and they taught me hope...no matter how hard life gets...they helped me have hope.. It's weird because even though it was six years ago and now i have taken ten workshops including in Germany...the one with UK 2006 is the one i remember the most...still after all the time..and no matter what and where i go..when i walk into that workshop...i feel that cast, and Gweedo. In the past three workshops i have taken the YA have sung part of the Beatles medley as an intro to the kids and every time it takes all of my not to cry...because that was in our show (like town kid part) way back then. I always sing with them.
Anyway...I wanted to write a blog dedicated to him, and the one good thing about me writing it a little late is that i can honestly say Gweedo is still so greatly loved, admired and remembered. I've seen so many messages over the past week that have brought tears to my eyes.
Whenever we learn if we hold on together at the end of the show... we are told that this song is sung, in every country, in every workshop and has been for something like 25 years i think it was. It's always, along with lion king, the time i remember that cast and the words of the director which still ring in my head as if they were spoken yesterday.
'now we could not have worked together has closely as we have for the past two and half days without some friendships forming, and some of these friendships, will last long after the applause dies from this hall, and maybe, just maybe, some friendships will last a lifetime. And need i say anymore this last song says it perfectly. 'If we hold on together'
i remember the tears and the emotion that went into that song and now whenever i take a workshop i remember that and make sure that on the line 'As high as souls can fly' i look upwards a send a kiss to heaven.
Uk cast yet another year and you still change my life every single day...like little things you guys done will affect the things that lead to big things for me now.
i am so happy i will get to see some of you again this year, it literally excites me so much... and the fact i get to see beautiful Rhonda makes me even more excited...although i'm certainly going to cry one HELL of a lot..
Please know i still admire you all, your strength and you courage you are all beautiful
Thank you
xx
(This blog was for Gweedo)
Monday, 2 April 2012
R.I.P Joe Shaw
Well this blog is a message i was meant to do a really long time ago...literally the second it happened i wanted to let it all out on here...but..i couldn't find the words..I feel I need to say something about it though.
So when i was in school i went to school with this awesome guy called Joe... The other month i was sitting in my living room actually getting ready to go up to bed when i got a message from one of my friends telling me that Joe had died. I don't want to go into details of what happened and how he died because thats not for me to say on here..but what i can say..is that the second i heard...i felt my heart breaking..literally falling into little pieces. My first thought was hatred towards myself. Joe and I hung out together in the same group for five years...FIVE years...and they actually happened to be five of my hardest years, yet in all that time i never got to really know him...i never got to speak to him like i felt i should have done.....We hung out all together and he was forever making me laugh and feel better... he made everyone smile..he was such an amazing down to earth guy. Yes Joe was a friend of mine at school... but i would never ever say we were best friends...My second thought led me onto this blog that i'm writing now... I want to ask you all a question...and i don't want written answers..i want you to ask this to yourself. Think about all the people that you have ever met/become friends with in your life...and ii don't care if it was for a minute or a hundred years think about it. Imagine you just didn't talk to them as much as you should because you 'don't have time' or 'can't be bothered'. Well what would you do if you woke up one day to the news they were no longer on this earth? Because there is no second chance to tell them how you feel. I made a stupid mistake of deleting nearly all my old school friends last year just because i didn't talk to them...i regret that now and i know 'forget regret or life is yours to miss' but its a thing that deep you can help but think about what could have happened different. To be 100% i think i must have spoken to Joe about twice after we left school and that was just over Facebook...never in that time did i say how i loved him, how i valued him, how i was thankful for his friendship. Why should I? His young, healthy... not a best friend of mine so why do i need to go telling him all that stuff...well now i know why...because you never know...NEVER know, where the circle of life will take you.
The thing that made me smile and also broke me inside was a few days after I had heard this news...and a group of us were meeting up in Romford to have a drink in memory of Joe...and you know....people walked in that door that i had not seen in four or so years...people who only had a connection to Joe via the took science with him, or said hi when passing in the halls. Peoples lives whom he had touched...it was just...AMAZING to see how many people turned up. We all passed a book around and wrote something in it. I think that...was the hardest part..the 'i need to try and say an actual goodbye'...
What i want to say from this is that i don't want his death to be in vain.. PLEASE.. he was only 19...you NEVER EVER know what is going to happen and when it is going to on....take this message and lock it in your heart........got it? good. Now go tell the people that you love that you love and care for them...before its to late before your left with regrets...DO NOT take their presence for granted.
Thank you.
(This blog is in loving memory of my wonderful friend Joe Shaw..Rest in peace buddy..enjoy the free beers!!!)
So when i was in school i went to school with this awesome guy called Joe... The other month i was sitting in my living room actually getting ready to go up to bed when i got a message from one of my friends telling me that Joe had died. I don't want to go into details of what happened and how he died because thats not for me to say on here..but what i can say..is that the second i heard...i felt my heart breaking..literally falling into little pieces. My first thought was hatred towards myself. Joe and I hung out together in the same group for five years...FIVE years...and they actually happened to be five of my hardest years, yet in all that time i never got to really know him...i never got to speak to him like i felt i should have done.....We hung out all together and he was forever making me laugh and feel better... he made everyone smile..he was such an amazing down to earth guy. Yes Joe was a friend of mine at school... but i would never ever say we were best friends...My second thought led me onto this blog that i'm writing now... I want to ask you all a question...and i don't want written answers..i want you to ask this to yourself. Think about all the people that you have ever met/become friends with in your life...and ii don't care if it was for a minute or a hundred years think about it. Imagine you just didn't talk to them as much as you should because you 'don't have time' or 'can't be bothered'. Well what would you do if you woke up one day to the news they were no longer on this earth? Because there is no second chance to tell them how you feel. I made a stupid mistake of deleting nearly all my old school friends last year just because i didn't talk to them...i regret that now and i know 'forget regret or life is yours to miss' but its a thing that deep you can help but think about what could have happened different. To be 100% i think i must have spoken to Joe about twice after we left school and that was just over Facebook...never in that time did i say how i loved him, how i valued him, how i was thankful for his friendship. Why should I? His young, healthy... not a best friend of mine so why do i need to go telling him all that stuff...well now i know why...because you never know...NEVER know, where the circle of life will take you. The thing that made me smile and also broke me inside was a few days after I had heard this news...and a group of us were meeting up in Romford to have a drink in memory of Joe...and you know....people walked in that door that i had not seen in four or so years...people who only had a connection to Joe via the took science with him, or said hi when passing in the halls. Peoples lives whom he had touched...it was just...AMAZING to see how many people turned up. We all passed a book around and wrote something in it. I think that...was the hardest part..the 'i need to try and say an actual goodbye'...
What i want to say from this is that i don't want his death to be in vain.. PLEASE.. he was only 19...you NEVER EVER know what is going to happen and when it is going to on....take this message and lock it in your heart........got it? good. Now go tell the people that you love that you love and care for them...before its to late before your left with regrets...DO NOT take their presence for granted.
Thank you.
(This blog is in loving memory of my wonderful friend Joe Shaw..Rest in peace buddy..enjoy the free beers!!!)
So sorry to all my blog readers
ok guys so I'm back, nearly two months but i'm back...
I really have kept meaning to get on and write but i never really got the chance... I'm gonna try and catch up all my blogs now but this could take a while so bear with me... I'm prob gonna forget a fair few things too haha.
The past month i have been very ill and struggling with myself, i still am..but i feel i need to get back in the swing of this thing, i feel bad for the people asking me to update my blog and i hate myself for not writing its what i do and i love to write...so
here it goes . :)
I really have kept meaning to get on and write but i never really got the chance... I'm gonna try and catch up all my blogs now but this could take a while so bear with me... I'm prob gonna forget a fair few things too haha.
The past month i have been very ill and struggling with myself, i still am..but i feel i need to get back in the swing of this thing, i feel bad for the people asking me to update my blog and i hate myself for not writing its what i do and i love to write...so
here it goes . :)
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
love, compassion, friendship, joy,
Whatever our hands touch—
We leave fingerprints!
On walls, on furniture,
On doorknobs, dishes, books,
As we touch we leave our identity.
Oh please where ever I go today,
Help me leave heartprints!
Heartprints of compassion
Of understanding and love.
Heartprints of kindness
and genuine concern.
May my heart touch a lonely neighbor
Or a runaway daughter,
Or an anxious mother,
Or, perhaps, a dear friend!
I shall go out today
To leave heartprints,
And if someone should say
“I felt your touch,”
May that one sense be…YOUR LOVE
Touching through ME.
This is to all the wonderful people
I have met!I offer you my hand in friendship
so that when you reach out in times of need,
you can be certain that I’ll always be there.
when it returns to you,
you’ll know who’ll be your friends for life!!!
Please note i do not own copyright to this i found it and think its beautiful and something for me to live for
Sunday, 12 February 2012
R.I.P Whitney Houston
Well first of all i can't believe that i am writing this, that i am saying the words Whitney Houston has passed away. When my mum woke me up with that this morning i literally got up fine and was like oh ok...i don't think i registered it within myself. I mean how can someone like Whitney be dead? It's unreal how crazy that sounds...it's one of those things that you know will happen and you know has to happen one day but at the same time you can't believe it. I never imagined a world without her in it..I mean the past three days i have been tweeting lines from her songs..it's ironic really..and now she is gone..
I'm sad, i'm crying now and I've been crying a lot... I don't actually think its stupid... for once in my life i don't think it's stupid.. There is this thing about a human heart,and that is you don't need to know someone personally to grieve..i mean i really honestly think the entire world is gonna grieve over this..in my lifetime i have never seen anything like this before...i mean when MJ died there were still people saying bad things about him, yet i have not heard one thing about her like that...its all messages of R.I.P, and love for her, for her family and for everyone else who was ever lucky enough to work with such an incredible woman. Theres not much we can really do as much as we would like to change what has happened..yet again this is a part of the circle of life...even though it 100% does not make sense i fully believe within my heart that it happened for a reason... everything always does and will for the rest of time.
Whitney..wow what can i say..my heart is broken i cannot believe that you are gone...you were a huge part of my life, when i think of your name my head will list off a reel of songs that you wrote that literally changed my life, that made me see life from a different view, a better view. I want to take the time to explain just a tiny handful of songs that changed me...
greatest love of all - 'I believe that the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride to make it easier, let the children's laughter, remind us how we used to be' I love this song i love the lyrics, the amount of times i have sung this is unbelievable, Whitney this song was the one that really made me listen to your music, it is actually one of my most favourite songs in the world, it really it. It was thanks to this song that i wanted to make a change in this world.. This song is the one that inspired my whole travel though the LEDC countries, helping them build a life idea. If i manage that, if i get to that place and make a change to those peoples lives, can you see now how much people will be grateful to you. You are here even though you are gone. Your lyrics will stay, as will your memory . even if your body and soul may be long gone..
You also taught me with this ( with the beatles help that love really is the greatest thing of all) 'find your strength in love' i don't think you could understand how much i do that...When my grandad passed away i listened to this song over and over and over again..kept me going. thank you.
That's what friends are for - 'And I, never thought i'd feel this way, but as far as I'm concerned i'm glad i got the chance to say, that i do believe i love you, and if, i should ever go away, well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today' This song makes me so grateful...so so grateful for friendship... I mean it taught me that just because someone is no longer in your life it does not mean that they are no longer in your heart and vise versa, i mean, i have so many good friends who i went to school with and i never even talk to them anymore...life means we have lost contact, but that does not mean that i do not think of them and it does not mean they are absent from my heart now. This song is beautiful, i cried so hard when i first it.
You were loved- Well i did know what i wanted to write about this song but actually you know what it's insignificant..i think this song is a wonderful dedication to you and your life and right now thats all thats important, this blog is for you and about you...
Ok well there are so many other songs that I'm obsessed with, where do broken hearts go?, your cover of i believe i can fly, amazing grace and i know him so well. I will always love you, the number one classic, didn't we almost have it all?, all at once, count on me, i have nothing, I wanna dance with somebody, not right but it's ok, learned from the best, every woman, one moment in time, missing you, your love is your love, natural woman, saving all my loving for you, when you believe, You'll never stand alone.... and literally they are just the ones that pop off the top of my head...
Lady you are amazing, your really are going to missed greatly in this world.. I can't believe you passed away on what is my granddads birthday, he adored you he really did, i think i got it from him..so expect a big welcome up there..he will ask you to sing for him though i can warn.
Stay safe beautiful and now free spirit, free, to fly on the winds, heaven needed another angel.
'One by one another the good die young'
August 9, 1963 – February 11, 2012
I'm sad, i'm crying now and I've been crying a lot... I don't actually think its stupid... for once in my life i don't think it's stupid.. There is this thing about a human heart,and that is you don't need to know someone personally to grieve..i mean i really honestly think the entire world is gonna grieve over this..in my lifetime i have never seen anything like this before...i mean when MJ died there were still people saying bad things about him, yet i have not heard one thing about her like that...its all messages of R.I.P, and love for her, for her family and for everyone else who was ever lucky enough to work with such an incredible woman. Theres not much we can really do as much as we would like to change what has happened..yet again this is a part of the circle of life...even though it 100% does not make sense i fully believe within my heart that it happened for a reason... everything always does and will for the rest of time. Whitney..wow what can i say..my heart is broken i cannot believe that you are gone...you were a huge part of my life, when i think of your name my head will list off a reel of songs that you wrote that literally changed my life, that made me see life from a different view, a better view. I want to take the time to explain just a tiny handful of songs that changed me...
greatest love of all - 'I believe that the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride to make it easier, let the children's laughter, remind us how we used to be' I love this song i love the lyrics, the amount of times i have sung this is unbelievable, Whitney this song was the one that really made me listen to your music, it is actually one of my most favourite songs in the world, it really it. It was thanks to this song that i wanted to make a change in this world.. This song is the one that inspired my whole travel though the LEDC countries, helping them build a life idea. If i manage that, if i get to that place and make a change to those peoples lives, can you see now how much people will be grateful to you. You are here even though you are gone. Your lyrics will stay, as will your memory . even if your body and soul may be long gone..
You also taught me with this ( with the beatles help that love really is the greatest thing of all) 'find your strength in love' i don't think you could understand how much i do that...When my grandad passed away i listened to this song over and over and over again..kept me going. thank you. That's what friends are for - 'And I, never thought i'd feel this way, but as far as I'm concerned i'm glad i got the chance to say, that i do believe i love you, and if, i should ever go away, well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today' This song makes me so grateful...so so grateful for friendship... I mean it taught me that just because someone is no longer in your life it does not mean that they are no longer in your heart and vise versa, i mean, i have so many good friends who i went to school with and i never even talk to them anymore...life means we have lost contact, but that does not mean that i do not think of them and it does not mean they are absent from my heart now. This song is beautiful, i cried so hard when i first it.
You were loved- Well i did know what i wanted to write about this song but actually you know what it's insignificant..i think this song is a wonderful dedication to you and your life and right now thats all thats important, this blog is for you and about you...
Ok well there are so many other songs that I'm obsessed with, where do broken hearts go?, your cover of i believe i can fly, amazing grace and i know him so well. I will always love you, the number one classic, didn't we almost have it all?, all at once, count on me, i have nothing, I wanna dance with somebody, not right but it's ok, learned from the best, every woman, one moment in time, missing you, your love is your love, natural woman, saving all my loving for you, when you believe, You'll never stand alone.... and literally they are just the ones that pop off the top of my head...
Lady you are amazing, your really are going to missed greatly in this world.. I can't believe you passed away on what is my granddads birthday, he adored you he really did, i think i got it from him..so expect a big welcome up there..he will ask you to sing for him though i can warn.
Stay safe beautiful and now free spirit, free, to fly on the winds, heaven needed another angel.
'One by one another the good die young'
August 9, 1963 – February 11, 2012
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
THANK YOU!!!
Hardly no promo this month and still another 1000 hits (7000 woooo) thank you so much :) Love you all! Sorry I've been writing nothing recently this will change!!!!
Stay beautiful and true to yourself xxxxxx
Stay beautiful and true to yourself xxxxxx
Another lion king blog
Here i go again,going off on one of my lion king rampages...for anyone who hates lion king..I'm sorry i advise you not to read. I actually havnt spoken about my obsession this year...i dont think. So now is a perfect time to write again. Well today i wanted to write about the dance i done with the YA in the fall and yes i have spoken about this dance many a time before but i just felt i wanted to write more about it...about the guy i learnt the dance from and the whole experience that time.
But Tina was beautiful, she touched my heart and..wow...she was like the perfect director for such a perfect cast...Where i do so much performing arts stuff, I'm used to working with lots of different people and moving on and never really seeing them again and i deal with that pretty well. I mean my heart will break at the time but i get over it pretty quickly...well...i still miss this cast..more than ever i still miss this cast with every fibre of my being, whenever I'm having a shit day (often recently), i always try to look back..at what that cast taught me.
I'm gonna try SO hard to take all of it into the workshop i am taking next month..although physically i am so ill right now, i don't even know if i will cope with workshop...but if i am ok..if i manage to not faint, or end up crying I'm in so much pain with my stomach haha..then i will try and give it all i have.
This cast...( I love how i go off subject all the time because i have so much to say) I couldn't ask to have met better people...in the worst of situations i cope so much better..When Topper died in december, i cuddled into my little irish man at the stables and gave him a hug (that horse is my life)...instead of being stupid over something that was indeed just a part of the circle of life...My butterfly tattoo, instead of self harming all the time...i consider all that cast to be a part of that butterfly...they all mean that much to me.
OK..I'm gonna actually do the blog i came to do....first of all i would like to dedicate this to a girl who helped me a lot and her little baby Maisie...for the meaning of lion king..I hope this brings you strength. love you.
So I danced this dance with Rob this time (and with this amazing other boy who i think was called tom..i'm 20 in a week or so my brain cells are dying i can't remember!!!) and it was perfect because i knew the dance from previous stick dances, so i really got to focus on the meaning behind the dance and song even more than ever. I remember Rob saying to me something along these lines.
'They live in you, They live in my, their watching over, everything we see, in every creature, in every star..in your reflection they live in you.'
The circle of life is the most beautiful concept ever...it gives me hope i will see my grandad again, the man who was my father to me. It gives me hope i will see my friends i've lost again and all the little animals, as insignificant as they may be to others, anything that meant a lot to me..it gives me hope i will see them again.
To me..i now believe that nothing is ever final and that no matter if someone in body is gone, it does not mean they have to be gone. I mean my grandad is here more than ever, and theres this beautiful YA called Gweedo who passed away in 2006, he is still very much alive..because the people who loved him keep him alive and pass his story on.From this blog i wanted to show how much this dance means, again...i mean, i learnt to accept death though the young americans...i learnt to let go, i learnt goodbyes are sometimes the only way to go, i learnt we are all one. i learnt we are connected, i learnt the real meaning behind lion king and the circle of life ( i will like cry every time i see lion king...i went to see it in London a month or so back, i was crying pretty much the entire way though...WOW...so much power...
LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE LIFE LOVE They need each other. and remember what i said just because someone is not here in body does not mean they are no longer alive anymore. As long as they live on within your heart...they are alive too...
Please take this blog and understand what i am saying...I actually love you all just for reading this, just for taking time to read this...
I wish you 525,600 minutes of everything you could ever want.. xxxxPS: added is the video of the stick dance i was talking about and for those who know what I'm like watch me...just watch me..im actually at the front this time, and I'm jot trying to hide...im not running away and oh my gosh the passion i am putting into it, i was gobsmacked when i watched it back.
PPS: Please PLEASE check out the YA website and see what they can offer, they really do change lives so much, as you can read here...and that dance bear in mind that was one part of the show which they taught to hundreds of kids who spoke german in two days...im just crying again thinking about it..if you know ANYWHO who will benefit from the incredible opportunity then please get in touch....(with them not me that would be pointless and i never check my mail. www.youngamericans.org i am sure thats right, if not google and it will pop up right away :) 
Somebody that i used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and now we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
This song sings my heart today
Make out like it never happened and now we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
This song sings my heart today
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