h those doors three years back, a sixteen year old fresh out of school and pretty much bricking the fact i was in college now....and then i look at how far I've come and i realise how grateful i am to that place, yes i still put myself down...ALL the time and yes i still hate on myself and nothing will ever change those feelings because at the end of the day i know i am right, but i learnt to get some sort of confidence, I learnt how to have fun performing to a level of which i never thought possible...i got to learn so much and have wonderful dance lessons taught by amazing teachers for free when i would have had to pay shitloads in dance schools...i can't believe i am actually saying all of this now....but that college got me into a place where i felt i could redo some of my exams i practically ruined in school and i passed them easily in my second year...along with doing a full time course...even the acting classes i miss and singing.....oh god i miss the entire thing.... I actually still hate myself for the fact i was such a bitch in my last year i really was a hell child....in my eyes...spesh looking back now, i deserved everything bad to come to me...i don't care that i was 'ill' because I know now that i let others down by being an idiot....I let the teachers down...I let the college down and i actually hate myself for it because it was the best thing that could have happened to my life....
I wish that i was pretty or i was slim and i know that i cant really change them unless im rolling in it, i already said that before but...if i was those things i might have more courage in myself...i wish more than anything that i could actually dance well because i really am the worst dancer EVER...because then i would still be there for another two years....
I left this year and didn't go on to a level four course because i knew even if i had my 'dimploma' saying otherwise i wasn't good enough for it, i also know the teachers didnt deserve to have me for another two years...and i knew myself i didn't deserve to go there....theres no point being there even though all your heart is in it, when you let yourself down so much....because performing really is about being a team, you can never just let yourself down. I will say it again i can't believe i'm writing this....i have never EVER praised a teacher before...apart from maybe one in my primary and then one in my high school. But all of them here were pretty amazing...
I was out walking with a friend the other month and we managed to get lost after walking through a field instead of following the two signposted pathways...(typical), and i just decided to throw my shoes off and dance like a loon....i was in the middle of no where, dancing to imagine..or it might have be angel, and i made my best friend cry because she said there was so much passion...i wish i could just be like that when i am around people, instead of leaving it for just the birds to see when im in a field in the middle of god only knows what.....
I miss that place, I miss the stupidness that came with being part of 'Horizons Performance Company'. I can't forget any of it, because every memory is so precious....i still remember the tiny little things that used to happen or the hilarious antics that henry got up to that used to make me literally wet myself....
I want to go back now, even though i know im not in a good place now and that would be a bad idea i miss it more than anything i have ever missed in my entire life....people say that you look back upon school as the best years of your life, well not a day has gone by yet since i missed that place! but i miss this place already with all my heart. I'm actually crying i want to be back there so bad.
I made some of the most amazing friends there, friends that i will keep for life....
Please god take me back.
