Why can't i just be who i want to be?

I wish i could listen to my heart.
I wish i could take what i say to other people
and mean it for myself with all the PASSION AND LOVE i have for others..
I hate when i have down days, and every bit of logical thiniking goes out fo the window,
and i'm left with my own thoughts of what i feel people think of me.
Why the fuck can i just not take my own advice?
I can say it to others and fully believe in what i am saying..i DO believe in it, everything does happen for a reason and there is always hope...i want everyone to be equal and happy...and i , really want it for whoever it may be..
But when it comes to myself i can't see it..when i'm upset, the whole concept of the sun will rise again goes out the window and i just wanna lay there and cry my eyes out.
I can say..the whole world and everyone in it is beautiful..
but yet i think/know i am the most ugliset person in the universe.
I could slap myself sometimes.
I actually could...
One day...one day...I'll be the person who i help everyone else to be...