New year, new start, hello america

Ok so first of all i want to wish all of my followers a happy new year.  Remember. There are 525, 600 minutes spread out ahead of you so make the most of them...make you dreams come true but be safe at the same time, and like i told all my beautiful friends on facebook, remember to always, no matter how bad things get to measure your life in love, and if you feel there is no love there? create it. go out. lend a hand. love can come in many different forms. 
Well new year 2011 was super crazy for me because i was at home, for the past good four/five years i have been at friends houses getting crazy drunk, or just out having a good time partying, or even last year in a different country. So for me to actually spend new year at home was  a really weird experience. I think the best thing was the fact i just got to chill for once, and i didn't need to worry about what i was wearing or if my make up was correct etc...
New year was also hard, really hard, as 2011 has been one of my hardest years yet, in fact i think it IS the hardest that i have ever had to deal with. I think it must have  been from about 11:30 onwards that ib started crying like a complete idiot. I started to remember all the things that this time last year i had and that this year im going to have to move on without. I realised that i needed to start working on getting myself better and that was hard for me to accept and say to myself, despite the fact i have been needing to hear that for months `
2012, this is the year that everything is going to change, im going to move forward, HELLO AMERICA for good, i want to move out there, so that just gives me more motivation to heal myself(I know its gonna take me years to move out there permanently, but its my goal) to be honest  i dont get on with any of my family, they all hate me and they would be happier if i were to leave. i know that for a fact :) anyway. 
Happy 2012 everyone :) 

Silvester memories

Last year's silvester celebrations with my twinnie

I can't believe that this time last year i was with my best friend and her family in Germany. Celebrating 'silvester' with some of the people that are the most important to me, outside the place was covered with snow but inside we were all warm and toasty sat around the TV watching a short comedy called 'dinner for one', followed by sitting around a table together having a typical German new years eve  dinner. I have so many happy and beautiful memories, i must have cried three times today because i've thought about that, and how i wish i could go back, but then i'm not gonna live in the past anymore, so even though it was hard, i've just had to accept that this year i'm not in my most favourite place in the world and that cant be helped. I remember sitting next to Helen by the piano singing for good from wicked i and then after a few to many sang defy gravity in german ( i did not sing it correctly i may add). I remember being around the TV again just before midnight counting down in German, and the SECOND the words 'happy new year' rang out though the room i was out the front of the house barefoot in the snow (i was drunk) screaming 'happy birthday Roshni!!!' followed by helen (with shoes on) screaming the same thing.
In 2010 i spent two weeks with helen in august, one in october and one in december, this year i spent three days with her, so i vow with this coming year of 2012 to go back and spend more time with my best friend <3 
Happy new year to all of my beautiful followers...thank you for all the support and the over 100 views just today alone woop! xxxxx

Calling all angels

So as a new year present to you guys i would like to share this song with you, it's called calling all angels and it's by a wonderful singer called Jane Siberry, it gets me everytime and moves me so deeply it's unreal, i've danced lyrical to this many a times and it brings such strong emotions...this song has got me through alot. I like to believe there are angels and they exist and that they help us though hard  times....i like to believe there are there when you pass away and leave this world, that they are the passageway to the next life.
When my grandad passed away...on the day of his funeral two crazy things happened, first...a single white feather fell at my feet from nowhere, and ok maybe there could be an explanation for that, but i want to believe that it was a gift from heaven to say my grandad was safe and happy and whole again....
Then i also found my angel necklace, just simply on a desk, when i had been looking EVERYWHERE for that necklace over the days leading up to it. 
Calling all angels....it can mean anything to you, it does not have to mean the genuine angels..i mean there could be a friend who reminds you of an angel, or a loved one, a member of family, that to you are an angel....to me this song is about getting through life, and the beautiful things is this can mean god, this can mean Jesus, this can mean death, this can mean life, it can mean friendship, family love, it can mean anything you want and thats why i love it so much.
This song reminds me of a beautiful YA i met on fall tour in Germany this year called Megan, the second i heard it after meeting her i thought of her...she has a very beautiful soul and an angel like presence about her... 
This this thing that says that when you die, some people are made angels by god...well Megan would be one of these people.....  
Enjoy... xx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRUErh47sao

How do you measure out a year?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love
Seasons of love. Seasons of love
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.
It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!
Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love

Another 525, 600 minutes coming to and end, another year over and a new one beginning, i new start, but for the better or for the worse is up to you to decide. Remember to take this year with in the future years to come but with happiness and wonderful thoughts, memories of loved ones and times gone by, never regret, don't ever look back and say i wish idone something different because at the end of the day, everything has led you to where  you are today. Measure a year in love, from friends, family, hobbies ANYTHING, anything that has given you a strength you never knew existed. Remember this year in anything you want.

For me to look back right now, well I'm sitting here crying like a baby...i have to stop with every few words i type to wipe my eyes so i can actually see what i'm doing. This year has been the hardest year of my life ever, i have struggled one hell of alot, been very very ill, lost friends, lost relationships, damaged myself...everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. I'm looking back though and taking all of the GOOD things, because they are the things i want to take with me into next year...people like Helen, whom i used to talk to ages ago and then lost contact but this year we got back in touch via instagram!...The fall cast of the young americans that i met in Germany, most of all Angel and Megan, Chanele and Micheal. I grew, they helped me to grow alot. I take that into the future.I think they shaped me so much, so so so much that i'll never be able to go back to what i was like before that fully, no matter how bad things get. It's going to be really hard for me to say i'll never look back and never cry again about the past, but for the new year im going to try and just let go, and just breathe, not to let the past continue to knock me down over and over again.  Be stronger. Be better. Give myself time to heal. 

I know that some people would say that 2011 has been an awesome year, well.thats great and im happy about that..but then there will be others who read what i wrote above and find themselves crying because this year was hard for them too and they can totally see where i am coming from.  We must not forget that everyday people die, and that means that everyday someone somewhere has to go though that loss, nothing is ever perfect ever. At the same time everyday a new person is born, a new baby, a tiny person whom has their entire life spread out for them. This year i lost my godmother and god father together, i spent my 19th birthday at a funeral, loss...but then two days later a friend of mine gave birth to two healthy baby girls....life...the circle of life....and it moves us all.

I know that next year is going to be really different, i'm 20 for a start soon, and even though thats not really a big deal, for me the going from teenager to twenty stage has always been a bigger thing that what my 18th was. I'm seeing some friends i havnt seen in years...since like 2006 and i am so excited for that!, and theres everything else thats going on if i get all the time to do it, like theres michigan, nebraska and utah, and then hopefully i would like to go back to germany it dpends, then i also want to travel to donegal in Ireland to see a good friend of mine...oh and a photography trip in Norway, there is just so much. I know i want to make a CD, ive written so much music over the past year and i just want to have something to show for it. I want to hold out my hand to the people who need the strength the most. I remember Emma telling me that no matter how many clouds there are in the sky the sun is always right behind, i was flying to germany this year and the weather was terrible like they sky was grey, but the second we got above the clouds the sun was there, bright, beautiful and inspiring, i want to take someone on a plane just to show them that, JUST to show them there is always hope.

New years day the first thing im gonna do besides wishing one of my best and longest friends Roshni happy birthdaay is wattch RENT, the reason behind this blog i always watch it new years eve or new years day whatever...it makes me start the year off better. I advise you all get to watch it at some point too, when i first saw it i had to watch it again before the storyline REALLY sank in but the music, oh my gosh the music.....DO IT!

There are 525 600 minutes in 2012, use them as you will but make the most of every moment, shoot for the moon because even if you miss youll land amoung the stars, thats one thing i firmly believe, you should never say the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon...love people and take time to nuture and grow friendships and relationships....let go and move on when you know something is not gonna work out anymore...just let it be. If you see a stranger on the street give them a smile, if you see someone crying ask them if they are ok and would they like a hug, i would advise not to just go hug them because they might stab you haha but show love, love is all you need....be selfless, i missed out on going to the movies with my friends one time because i was buying a homeless guy a hot drink, a bacon buttie (and im veggie so go me! woop) because he said that was his favourite and a new blanket, he cried so much, the fact i had done that for him, and the fact even more so i had thought to ask him what kind of sandwich etc he would like. My friends i were with that day said i was stupid and that id wasted my money, well im not friends with them anymore..touch lives and hearts and if you know you are right then ignore what others say.
Remember 525.600 minutes of fresh adventures to do with what you will, measure it in love though, and remember that life is never certain so never miss a chance to say i love you.
'i don't know if the sky is heaven but i pray anyway' you should to.

I would like to thank you all for so much support, thank for messaging me telling me things like 'your blog touched my heart' or 'it changed my life'...i shall never forget when i got an email from an old lady after she read my blog on her grandchild's computer and was donating as much as she could (£50) to a charity for the children in africa etc...if you are her and are reading this i would like to thank you again...oh gosh and im crying again!!!!  I wish you all the most beautiful of new years and hope that everything works out for you guys because your incredible! just remember 

525,600 MINTUTES TO MEASURE IN LOVE 

in diapers, report cards
in spoke wheels, in speeding tickets
in contracts, dollars 
in funerals and births 

in 525, 600 minutes 
how do you figure a last year on earth
figure in love
figure in love
figure in love 

MEASURE YOUR LIFE IN LOVE.

peace  x

Inspirational People

You helped me keep my head
You helped me to understand 
Myself and how i affected others
Lending out an invisible hand. 

From your mouth i hear the truth thats spoken 
I will get better even when i feel broken
You help me believe more with every minute 
That i help people by being alive, you keep me sticking with it. 

Everytime that i buckled and said it could no longer be done
You told me that i was beautiful and that my life had just begun.
And when i said it was too hard, you simply replied
Sweetheart how can you  ever know, until you have tried? 

Your presence enriches lives more than you can know
your like a breath of sunshine, I hope youv'e been told so.
Some people feel to beaten to ever give a smile
But yours it radiates this earth, it spreads around for miles 

I just hope you know that i am so grateful you came into my life
We are not even friends
 But your love helped me to survive 
This poem is to say thank you and that i apprectitce it very much
I'm so happy to know you, my heart forever you have touched. 

So this is a poem i wrote for a girl i know, and she is INCREDIBLE really incredible, she is one of my friends best friends, and because of what she has study ed in uni my friend told her about me and well, i took her advice about seeing this awesome singer songwriter, to read her book and ,listen to her music, and trust me her music really is the stuff that gets me though. When i asked if i were alloud to send her a message to say thank you, i got the reply of course she wont mind! and so i did, and DESPITE the fact she does not know me one little bit, she is ALWAYS thinking of me and sending me links for things i would like, including this incredible necklace which she said she would actually get if she had money, ( ok i would have got pissed if shed actually done that bit i hate people buying me things, like REALLY hate it) but the point i am trying to get across, she is not even really meant to be there at all for me but im always forever being told i am always here...she is incredible and that is why i wrote this for her, i know its not exactly good but it's meant to be the thought that counts!

And for the person who this is about, you know who you are and i will be sending you this link, thank you, thank you so much,  Love you muchies xx

moving on....

'Sometimes you loose yourself, trying to hold onto someone who does not care about loosing you'

It seems that all it's ever been between you and I see-saw, a game, a battle which half of the time you always won. I really dont understand why i kept coming back to you, and even more so  i can't understand the logic behind the fact my heart wants to go there again, what with ever hit you give me, you make me weaker... and i let you do that. This is the first time ive had the guts to actually to go and flat out delete and block you, yes, ive deleted you before, but not for more than a week  tops...always coming back, always trying again. 
I don't understand why my heart is not going to let me move on, i know you do not care about loosing me. I could die tomorrow and i still think you wouldnt give a crap, but i still want to be a part of your life, i keep going back again and again just to be abused and made to feel small and unloved. I lost myself where i was trying so hard, so so hard not to loose you. I worry myself about the fact im already having second thoughts about getting rid of you out of my life. The fact that a part of my heart is saying 'just one more chance' because i know 'one more chance' almost always leads into another...and another again.
I need the strength from somewhere but i just can't find it....right now im just listening to music over and over and over again to try and help my brain finally see, that moving on with the rest of my life HAS to start with goodbyes... 

from the heart

'And it only hurts when i'm breathing 
my heart only breaks when its beating 
my dreams only die when i'm dreaming 
so i hold my breath to forget. '

So much love for this right now

heartprints

Whereever it is that we go in life, one thing is for certain and that is that we will leave handprints on anything that we touch. Even if its only for a split second (like a doorknob) or something that requires you to hold on a little longer (like a book) whatever it is, it's insignificant, the important part is that fingerprint...thats a part of you, no one shares that with you...you leave a little of yourself....a little of your  idenity whereever you go. 
But something even more important for me than handprints are heartprints, the emotional type of print. The strongest and most beautiful of all. The many words that can describe this kind of print... compassion, love, concern, understanding, peace, kindness, repect, LIFE. The list could be endless. I does not even have to be a friend or someone you know. It could be a stranger on the street, a homeless man sitting on a bench freezing cold, the lonley, the scared, the vunerable. I know for example a girl called Gwen and she does not know me at all really, i just know her though a friend, but all those words in italics above she has given to me, and for that i am enternally grateful, in years to come it will be the gifts to the heart like this, than the pshyical gifts you can open that will change my life the most
I want you to take this blog to heart, take deep inside you and think about what i am trying to say here..I'm not asking you for money, or even to give money to someone else..I'm not asking you to do something that consumes your entire life, i'm asking that you just give a minute of time to others..touch a few heart.  Say this to yourself over and over again until you believe it,
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on it's ears
I wanna do something better with the time i've been given
And i wanna try, to touch a few hearts in this life 
And leave nothing less, than something that says
I WAS HERE
Tomorrow my aim will be to go out and touch as many lives and hearts as i possibly can.  I want to be able to know within my heart that i've done a good job and touched enough lives to make a huge impact to this earth.
The things we do in life will be insignificant but its very important that we do them... 
GO REACH OUT TODAY!

The many different friends

Friends are complicated...there are some that come into your life, calling you a best friend when they have only what seems to be an intention to hurt you and knock you down..there are the friends that say goodbye and there are the friends that leave without no word whatsoever, leaving you to try and sort out why within your own mind, sometimes making you paranoid and venerable, what if others do what they done? What if i'm left alone? Some friends are robbed from us by the circle of life, which also momentarily robs us of all thoughts and feelings, we become numb, only knowing we are alive by the steady rhythmic beating of our heart against our chest. Then we pick ourselves up again, and carry on, with the other friends you are lucky enough to be surrounded by. Some friendships are as fragile as glass, one slight knock you shatter and destroy the entire concept of friendship, then on the other hand, there are friendships that are as strong as a band of gold, complete, pure...unbreakable. Some friendships you can hang onto till the end and others..well it seems no matter how hard you try they slip away, and then you have to let it happen. There are the friends you meet online, maybe in a self help chat room who understand you and know you better than you know yourself. There are the friends that can be best friends over the computer, either knowing them randomly or by mutual friends, the friends that when you see a message make you smile, make you feel happy to be alive...There are two categories that friends can be divided into, stones and diamonds, and the hardest part is ALWAYS trying to work out where abouts to place people. Even when it hurts you sometimes realise that people are stones, when you all along thought of them as a diamond, those 'friends' who make your life hell...time to say goodbye, spend your time with the people who you know are the true diamonds because they are the ones that matter. nurture these friendships, let them grow, polish them, keeping and open honest friendship is always going to be the best friendship. 
Dedicated to two of my diamonds, Roshni and Helen

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today you guys having giving me 
-over a hundred hits
-3 tweets 
-  2 emails..
THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS IS INCREDIBLE I LOVE DAYS LIKE THIS :) xxxx

Lush

This morning i was randomly browsing though blogger and i came across this awesome blog  (a-dreamers-journal) and read an awesome blog all about lush products and it really inspired me to write a blog about how awesome lush is, I literally live on lush products and i can assure you once you start using these you will never go back, i took a few pics of some of my lush collection so you can see how pretty they all are :) Lush is fairly expensive but it is so worth every penny that you spend i can promise you, they all do wonders for body and skin, and mind because they make you feel really good. Last  night i had a lush bath with a orange fizz bath bomb (which literally turned the water orange) and rockstar soap (one of my fave products!) There is something in lush for everybody, no matter what your skin and hair etc is like...! They also sell the most beautiful of scarfs, i got a lush gift from my mom yesterday for christmas and it was wrapped up so beautifully i loved it! 
Literally there are so many differ net smells so there will always be something to suit your taste and the best thing is that they are natural products and smell incredible, also they have no harmful chemicals which could irritate sensitive skin and damage the environment...:)
Lush packaging is completely 100% recycled which means that it helps out the planet as well as your skin :)  If you take back five empty and clean pots once you have finished the product you can get a free face mask and let me tell you now, they are the best face masks on the market, i'm never gonna go back to normal face masks now! The also do solid shampoos, and i will be honest, i was doubtful when i first saw them, as i have thick hair and the bars are so small, when i was told that in one bar there is the same as three bottles of shampoo i was gobsmacked, its basically made to be more friendly for the environment, again im not going back now, you dont need much at all and it lathers up into a thick foam and makes you hair smell incredible, i have washed my hair about 20 times with my one bar and i still have about 3/4 of it left....PERFECT...:)
I think you should check the site out www.lush.com and you can also buy on there too so if you cant get out don't worry :) They also have a free iphone app :)  which is great on the go and to take in the shop to show what you want. The staff by the way are so friendly and really know what they are talking about. The staff in my local store know me know because im in there so so much!!! The whole house smells like a lush store after ive had a bath or shower its just...heaven... and they really really do make perfect gifts..!!
Happy Christmas and New Year Everyone!!!

PS: Lush are also collecting bottle tops! so if you have any spare and left over could you please send them or give them in at a store?  Thanks :) Xxxx 

THANK YO U!

Followers you are incredible! Thank you so much for all of the follows and reblogs, and messages...you cannot understand what it means to me that my blog is touching lives and hearts of people  all around the world,  it's really important to me that i make a difference in this world..! 
So a few people have asked me why i dont blog photos and quotes and everything on here and its because all of that goes on my tumblr account, i like to keep things separate :) but heres the link :) 

I follow everyone back :) and i do reblog one hell of alot :)

http://witha1000sweetkisses.tumblr.com/

Merry Christmas Everyone :) Xxxxxx

grandad at christmas time

Another year without you and yet i am still struggling like it was yesterday that you slipped away, this time 6 years ago, we were sitting by your bed, holding your hand praying you would come out of this and come back to us, that by next christmas you would be waking up with us, where you belong, part of the family, around the christmas tree, presents being open, LIFE, a simple life, i would give all those presents back without a second thought. Cancer, it took you away from us at the most important time of the year, it made you become trapped within your own body, like a fly caught in a spiders web, no matter how hard you tried the cancer spread and consumed you...suffocated you...prevented you from ever coming back. Loosing you just a few days into the new year a pain that was unimaginable, but you having to spend you favourite time of the year in a hospital bed out of it most of the time broke  heart to see.
It's always hard at this time, because grandad you were the man that made christmas, you were my grandad, my father, my best friend and also my male role model, you were everything that was good about my life. .I miss your hands i miss you holding me, you felt so strong and you made me feel so safe. I remember how you used to come pick me up out of bed on christmas morning and give me a firemans lift down the stairs and down to 'see what santa had brought for me'. Grandad, i dread this time of the year i really do, i wish i could just hibernate and get away and wake up again when its over...the new year hurts, heres to another year without you...great...
Merry Christmas grandad, i hope your proud of me, i hope you know that you are my hero and that you inspire me everyday to be a better person. I wish you could come back. Love you always xxxxxxx

winter warm up time!

This morning, i got up super early even though i had no sleep and went into Romford with my nanny to get the last of my christmas presents before it got too busy, i also got to pick a few books from waterstones as my christmas present so this made me really happy :)  I love reading i don't know why, i am forever making sure i have a book with me!  As i'd finished all of my christmas shopping and still had some money left over i decided to treat myself to some winter literally don't clothing as i literally don't own any...i hate spending money and my problem is when i start i dont know how to stop! I did get some really nice bargains in primark though! so i'm happy :) and a dress i wanted in river island about six months ago but it was £60, well i got one today in h&m pretty much the same for a fraction of the price, i want to loose some weight before i wear it though because  i felt awfully fat in it, but i couldnt just leave something as AWESOME as that at that price! :) 

New Look £19.99

New Look £29.99

H&M £15

Primark £12

Primark £10

Primark £7

Primark £12

Mini Christmas

So last night i finally got to see my incredible sister again after what seemed like FOREVER! We were going have a mini christmas just basically so we had a chance to exchange our gifts and catch up before christmas was fully upon us, there is no chance of getting to see eachother as we are both going to be fully busy that day.



First off though we headed into Romford so we could grab  a starbucks which was so warm and yummy! I had some carrot cake and toffee nut latte, it was good to be able to sit there and chat, in a calming environment with amazing drinks :) However, everyone in there with the exception of us were American, even the girl who served us was! That was severely weird not in a bad way though, it just  made me miss a few people one hell of alot more than what i normally would! It's amazing what hearing an accent can do to you! :) So after finishing our drinks we headed over to  Vue to see a movie which turned out to be Sherlock Holmes, it was SO GOOD i mean the main character was hot! not as much as Johnny Depp but still so :) 

When we got back to my house that evening we dyed my hair redder, best moment of my life when Alice scratched her arm and she ended up looking like she had an orange armpit and it would not come off!, oh and she also managed to turn a white pair of shoes red, somehow, i not sure really because i never saw her touch it beforehand :)  Oh and there was a little of i whip my hair back and fourth in the bathroom before i was restrained by my sis yelling 'Vikkie no, it's gonna look like a murder has took place!.
So then, by the time that had been sorted we finally got around to our early christmas, sitting wrapped up on the sofa, open presents, only after i had sung and played 'I'll always be right there' badly i might add as part of Alice's christmas present. I love how all of my gifts were something that normally would not be bought for a 19 year old as for what i bought Alice, no 19 year old i know would ever want something like that...but the thing is about us is that we know each other so well that we know 100% what the other one would like without even having to ask! We have this in friendship where we finish eachothers sentences and answer eachothers questions before we have even finished asking them...we turn up the same clothes just different colors and always scream at something exciting in a shop at exactly the same time.
So yeah last night was awesome, apart from getting stupid calls and messages from this other person who stressed me out to the max and nearly ruined the whole night, I thank god for my sister being there otherwise i dread to think how bad i would have got.
I have the greatest of sisters ever. :) <3

Pulling off an all nighter.... again.....

I think my blog is going to unfortunatly take most of the impact of that because i simply have nothing else i can be doing. I have tried everything to  go to sleep and it just has not come,urgh. So now, I'm sitting here, getting high on sugar via the wonderful drink Ribina... So tonight was pretty much one of the only nights this week that i needed to sleep, tomorrow i am doing the horses for Emma (morning) then getting coffee and seeing a film with my sister (early evening) then early christmas again with my sis (late evening) so not sleeping in gonna mess that whole idea up big time.  Right now i literally feel so tired, im actually struggling to keep my eyes open, but when i lie and close my eyes i can't actually sleep. Any tips would be kindly appreciated! I'm seriously think of taking a huge wad of sleeping pills thats how desperate i am right now! oh god i'm rambling! another tired trait of mine! I know for a fact gonna be that im just gonna be moody and irritable now all day, whenever i have gone with no sleep the slightest thing will get me mad... 
I think that a main reason for me not to be able to sleep is that i generally just have too much crap on my mind and going on in my head right now. Soooo....i'm gonna do a little  vent out of the main things that are bothering me currently. My life right now, in terms of friendships is a complete fucking mess...anyone who knows me, will know i am the most paranoid person at the best of times, and it certainly does not take alot to get me worrying about things and mostly about the fact people are lying to me, trust is a big thing with me, it's a really big deal and once i give someone my trust...well if the break it then it fucks it up for everyone else. A 'friend' of mine, one of the few people i actually trusted to tell about the private things going on in my life, has done nothing more in these past few months than turn my life upside down, when i was first told by everyone, that she was two faced and the couldnt stand her, I couldnt understand why, because i thought she was close to perfect. Well then i saw the REAL person, the person who tries to cut every friendship up, who tells everyone that everyone hates them, just so she can have them to herself, and person who again does that with anything, just so everything is for her only..oh and im a failure and crap, don't forget that part. Well, it's been on my mind one hell of alot, i have to lie, just to not cause trouble and it's retarded, an adult who acts like and causes trouble like a 3 year old....i literally am getting to a point where i cant deal with it no more, and all the time she is making me out to be the bad one, sending me the most stupid texts saying im a horrible person and it just confirms to me what i already know. THEN i get people mad at me for putting myself down. Right now my trust is gone, and i dont know if i'm gonna get that back and if i do, how long its going to take..I'm now getting paranoid about the people who are my best friends and the people that mean the most to me, i think they hate me, and there is only so much of that a person i will take, im suprised i still have them sticking around what with me being so paranoid....ok i actually feel better for venting that out to a computer lol, what im saying with this though s that you shouldnt let people bully you around like i do, it's got to a stage where one person is RUINING my life...and generally annoying and getting in the way of others lives too, as ive been asked about this whole situation before, 'why cant you just stand up to her?', because i'm too scared, because im a coward, because i thought she was one of my best friends, because i cant deal with the shit that will bring. Please don't ever get into that situation, its hell on earth right now.

Philippines December

I can't believe i am writing this blog, not even a year after writing one of exactly the same sort for Japan and only a few months after writing of the attacks in Norway. So right now, there is alot of trouble going on in the beautiful country of the Philippines, their weather is awful and they have terrible storms, already the de reached the 1000's and it's still rising. I want to write a blog which i actually intended on doing ages ago and forgot, for these beautiful people.
I know all to well how hard it must be when people have family in places, where bad stuff is happening and you can't do anything to save them, I also have this INCREDIBLE friend called Ericka whom has friends and family in the Phillipines so i worry for her too much.
Once again i will say it, just like i did when everything went down in Japan... 

I pray that those who are living are safe
That those lost are found
And the dead are at peace

There is so much of me that wants to be able to go out on a plane and help, I always feel useless being across the ocean when things like this terrible event are going on...I hate not being able to do anything about it, it sucks.

Please everyone support this wonderful country, if you know anyone out there, you can't do anything, so just pray for them and their country like i said above. If you know someone who has friends or family out there, well then there is a good chance they will look to you for support, be there for them, do all you can to help heal their hearts as much as you can. So if you don't know anyone? pray anyway...and when after this has all died down and they need someone... to donate money under GENUINE causes...give them as much help and support as possible that are the same as us, they live under the same sky and breathe in the same air as us, they are human beings....

Love.... x

Olympia International Horse Show

Ok, so on Monday, My friend and I, along with her cousin and nanna went along to Olympia, it's basically this huge horse show that runs over a weekend in december, it's a must for horse owners and riders at christmas time. I got up super early so we could get there  i to literally drag myself around to feed my animals and get dressed in time!! 
After walking all of her dogs and getting on a bus we finally got to the station at about 9:20, so we ended up waiting until 9:30 so we could get the cheaper off peak travel. I hate trains, like super hate them and they were even worse this time as there were so many people on them, by the time we had finally got there it was pouring down with rain and we were soaking and then trying to find the shopping hall entrance was hell on earth...we finally got there though, but i couldn't believe i had to pay £10 to get in when i had been told constantly it was only £5! Ok well, i spent alot, i spent all my money and had to borrow money (after a fight because i wouldnt allow it lol) It's the worst thing ever when you want something SO BAD, and actually need something that bad to, but you can't get it, and then your friend tells you they are get it FOR you and it makes you feel even more awful! But i had an incredible time, i mean, we did want to see the show in the evening, but we couldn't get tickets, and in a way, that was ok, because it meant we had to money left over to spend on things that we wanted to buy instead :)  and we did get to see a little of one of the shows during the day just by standing outside the arena and watching from there, the horses were incredible so so amazing.... 
So by the end of the day we had bought.. 
Two personalised jackets
Hundreds of horse treats 
Hats
Gloves 
boots (horses)
Bentley non-slip grooming kit and bag 
rug bags
feed supplements 
horses for heroes charity items including badges, bracelets and fleeces
loads of free horsey things 
free horse magazines 
MUCH more free knowledge given by the experienced staff there 
annnnndddd then of course a yummy fat buster smoothie from crush  :) 

Then there was the getting everything home, in the pouring rain, and on the London train network, oh what fun that was!  But literally had an immense day :) Defiantly going again next year and this time booking earlier so i know that i will get a space for the live show in the evening :)
Then when home a quick cuppa soup then off to the yard to muck out and have a ride in the rain :) 

Olympia...until next year!  :) xx

Topper and Midnight

my first ride on Topper

Hey guys so i'm so sorry ive not written in a few days i have literally had so much going on  that is was unreal and i havnt had the time, so im gonna try and write all my blogs now, hugeee update time lol! 
On monday morning i was going out with a few of my friends to a horse show in London so i had to be up super early (ill write more about that in another blog asap) and on my way to my friends house, i saw a post on facebook saying R.I.P Topper, well i broke down and cried right there and then, i didnt care that my make up could run and i would end up looking uglier than ever. Topper, is an incredible horse that was at the riding school i have always rode at, he simply was amazing, i think everyone who knew him is mourning him...For me he was my first ever 'horse' when i went from riding ponies and therefore he taught me so much, and i know he was the first horse for many others to. I would like to dedicate this blog to him, and his friend Midnight, whom i didnt really know so i can't write about but had to be put to sleep to last week. Have fun in horsey heaven give all the horses a kiss from me, spesh Gypsy, Boo and Sydney...I wish you all the best in the start of your new life... 

Don't Cry For The Horses, by Brenda Riley-Seymore

Don't cry for the horses
That life has set free
A million white horses
Forever to be

Don't cry for the horses
Now in God's hands
As they dance and they prance
To a heavenly band

They were ours as a gift
But never to keep
As they close their eyes
Forever to sleep

Their spirits unbound
On silver wings they fly
A million white horses
Against the blue sky

Look up into heaven
You'll see them above
The horses we lost
The horses we loved

Manes and tails flowing
They Gallop through time
They were never yours
They were never mine

Don't cry for the horses
They will be back someday
When our time has come
They will show us the way

On silver wings they will lift us
To the warmth of the sun
When our life is over
And eternity has begun

We will jump the sun
And dance over the moon
A Ballet of horses and riders
on the winds
to a heavenly tune

Do you hear that soft nicker
Close to your ear?
Don't cry for the horses
Love the ones that are here

Don't cry for the horses
Lift up your sad eyes
Can't you see them
As they fly by?

A million white horses
Free from hunger and pain
Their spirits set free Until we ride again

Sleep tight babies xxxxxx

One december evening......

So yesterday my friend Emma asked me if i wanted to Christmas shopping with her as there were things that she needed to get and wouldn't really get another chance, so we decided to meet at the yard because the horses needed to be mucked out and got in etc....well me, being the thicko that i am, i decided that as we were not going to be riding i would be able to go down the yard in my new uggs and a huge big fluffy jacket, well, one look into Eddie's stable and i realised that would NOT be the case and that when on earth had horses actually been clean animals?  But, i didnt have any other boots on me lol...so i flung my jacket off and stole one of Emma's to keep me warm, and just literally had to stand in a clean spot and work my way up until i had all the crap in the barrow and all the clean stuff piled onto one side of the the stable. I managed to keep my boots fairly clean for where i was, although i do have a big poo stain up the side so i need to wash them soon! Or maybe i'll just butter my mum up and get her to do it  for me ;) I think that Eddie's bed would have took me about half hour to do on a normal day, but in because i was having to be so careful i ended up taking just over an hour!, but hey at least i knew he would be comfy that night. There's this thing about horses, the fact that you would go out in ALL weather no matter what is going on, come rain or shine, you will go without to give to the horses, and will do ANYTHING for them...after i finally got his bed done there was his water to do, and his treat ball, and feed...oh the fun spesh when i spilled some of the water on my leg it was freaking freezing!!!...So by the time i got that done and was halfway though doing Caraid's bed, which was  awful! despite the fact that shes alot small than Eddie, i first walked in her stable to turn the light on and walked straight into poop, i actually dont know how that horse manages it, i really don't haha! But it only took me another 20 minutes so were able to set off for Romford at about 6ish. This was actually perfect for me because by the time we had got there, the place was literally empty, there were no queues to have to deal with and no crowds, it was easy to have a proper laugh and let go. I've finally got a  few more boxes of hair dye so i can get my hair dyed again next week when i have my sister Alice sleeping round!. I actually had a perfect night yesterday until i got home, i mean, a night of junk food (opps) massive pillows, and glee....my idea of HEAVEN! :) 
One thing i did learn yesterday though however is that i cannot stand up for myself and say what  I think, i realised that so so many times in the past have i just gone along with what others want, even if its not what i agree with, or its not what i want. What pisses me of something CRONIC is that i know for a fact that it's not going to change any time soon, I mean, when it comes to standing up for the planet then i will pretty much tell people how it is...but when people are bitching I always agree, when people tell me to do stuff i do it, when people say something...anything i will just say yes...it's a habit that i know is going to get me into trouble and i need to stop....urgh...i'm such a bad person...it makes me get paranoid also over the people i shouldn't get paranoid urgh....I NEED TO LEARN! and i can assure you i will, watch this space! x