MOVED TO
http://andtheworldwillliveasone.wordpress.com/
PLEASE STLL KEEP FOLLOWING ME AND VISITING MY PAGE REGULARLY :)
love you all xxx
Saturday, 9 February 2013
What is meant to be?
Do you know the final destination movies? Well not to that extreme but you know the whole you can't run away from death theme that that follows? Well maybe that's true...people can fight and fight and fight to live but if they are meant to die, if that is what is meant to be wont it happen anyway? It's like when I was in hospital and I the doctors said 10 minutes later and I would have died for sure and still could have died. When my heart went up to 250, the doctors were amazed at how I was still sitting up talking...I think maybe I wasn't meant to die, like I could be ill and and over again and until god decides I'm not going to be able to go anywhere. Like on those movies, sure they didn't die then but they still all died, because it was THEIR time.
I've been thinking about things like that alot lately very much so in the whole everything happens for a reason thing. I mean, I always believed that no matter what happened in my life I stuck to it but its the same in in life and death... I keep feeling crap because 'I couldn't even die myself properly that's how much of a failure I am' I wasn't meant to be though maybe that was just the reason. Maybe I've been forced over my life to come face to face with the devil over and over not because god hates me or wants me dead, not because he wants me to suffer but that he KNOWS I can be strong and rise up against everything and stand again, then take that knowledge I learnt and teach it to future generations, so they have someone who can honestly sit there and say.. 'Ive experienced all kinds of abuse, have been on a cocktail of different medication and have been diagnosed at some point with every mental health illness under the sun but I'm here, I'm alive... Yeah I have scars but they are the roadmaps of my life..'. I can teach someone not to be afraid of who they are of what they have done...yeah ok you messed up but it's the best feeling in the world when you start to regulate your emotions again. To be able to recognise fear, love, anger and do something positive about it before any bad can come.
I've been thinking about things like that alot lately very much so in the whole everything happens for a reason thing. I mean, I always believed that no matter what happened in my life I stuck to it but its the same in in life and death... I keep feeling crap because 'I couldn't even die myself properly that's how much of a failure I am' I wasn't meant to be though maybe that was just the reason. Maybe I've been forced over my life to come face to face with the devil over and over not because god hates me or wants me dead, not because he wants me to suffer but that he KNOWS I can be strong and rise up against everything and stand again, then take that knowledge I learnt and teach it to future generations, so they have someone who can honestly sit there and say.. 'Ive experienced all kinds of abuse, have been on a cocktail of different medication and have been diagnosed at some point with every mental health illness under the sun but I'm here, I'm alive... Yeah I have scars but they are the roadmaps of my life..'. I can teach someone not to be afraid of who they are of what they have done...yeah ok you messed up but it's the best feeling in the world when you start to regulate your emotions again. To be able to recognise fear, love, anger and do something positive about it before any bad can come.
Monday, 31 December 2012
Goodbye 2012
Dear 2012
I can't believe that we are already saying goodbye... I mean I remember this time last year getting ready to bring you into the world and now your leaving. I'm sorry we didn't make a good time of it. 2012 quite honestly has been the worst year of my life... And I didn't think that was possible after the couple of years before that. I'm am PRAYING to whoever is above that 2013 will be better.it has to get better right?
So before you go I wanted to have a little look back and speak about a few of my memories. First of all what went right? Well in February you blessed me with my little baby girl lady...you gave me the best pony a girl could ever wish for. She lifted me up, touched my soul in ways nothing else has ever done before. I am so grateful for her thank you, I can't believe it's coming up to a year for how long I've had her. ummm what else? Thank you for letting me get to experience jazz fest again that was amazing... I will never fail to love Germany. I got to experience my first time in the ever beautiful America. One of the most incredible, different, new, exciting and at the same time most scary times I've had. I got to see friends I had not soon in YEARS and that just made my life. They are all so grown up now... I can't believe it... Stef even has kids!! Thank you for letting England host the London 2012 Olympics. It made me so proud to be British, it was incredible to watch, really amazing to see our country perform something so spectacular. Thank you for all my new friends I've gained... Again for them all I am so grateful.
But, you took a lot of my friends away too didn't you? You caused alot of people to take their own life and you took people away from accident, illness and old age too.. Too much for me this year... To much for me to handle and I kinda fell apart didn't I? I wish that.. I just wish I could have enjoyed you and seen more positive times in you. Oh boy and didn't you cause alot of destruction to the planet? I've literally never seen anything like it before. I turned 20... No longer a teenager argh... I can't believe ill be 21 soon.. Anyway I wish you well I shall not forget you and I will try not to regret you. I will learn from every mistake and painful thing you taught me.
RENT taught me so much can happen in a year and I saw that alot from you.
Here's to a better 525,600 minutes to measured in LOVE.
Caio 2012.
Love Me
X
PS: I'm sorry for this not being as much like my other posts... I'm just too emotional this year... Very raw... I only came out of hospital today... Hopefully my goodbye to 2013 will be full of happiness. :)
Xx
I can't believe that we are already saying goodbye... I mean I remember this time last year getting ready to bring you into the world and now your leaving. I'm sorry we didn't make a good time of it. 2012 quite honestly has been the worst year of my life... And I didn't think that was possible after the couple of years before that. I'm am PRAYING to whoever is above that 2013 will be better.it has to get better right?
So before you go I wanted to have a little look back and speak about a few of my memories. First of all what went right? Well in February you blessed me with my little baby girl lady...you gave me the best pony a girl could ever wish for. She lifted me up, touched my soul in ways nothing else has ever done before. I am so grateful for her thank you, I can't believe it's coming up to a year for how long I've had her. ummm what else? Thank you for letting me get to experience jazz fest again that was amazing... I will never fail to love Germany. I got to experience my first time in the ever beautiful America. One of the most incredible, different, new, exciting and at the same time most scary times I've had. I got to see friends I had not soon in YEARS and that just made my life. They are all so grown up now... I can't believe it... Stef even has kids!! Thank you for letting England host the London 2012 Olympics. It made me so proud to be British, it was incredible to watch, really amazing to see our country perform something so spectacular. Thank you for all my new friends I've gained... Again for them all I am so grateful.
But, you took a lot of my friends away too didn't you? You caused alot of people to take their own life and you took people away from accident, illness and old age too.. Too much for me this year... To much for me to handle and I kinda fell apart didn't I? I wish that.. I just wish I could have enjoyed you and seen more positive times in you. Oh boy and didn't you cause alot of destruction to the planet? I've literally never seen anything like it before. I turned 20... No longer a teenager argh... I can't believe ill be 21 soon.. Anyway I wish you well I shall not forget you and I will try not to regret you. I will learn from every mistake and painful thing you taught me.
RENT taught me so much can happen in a year and I saw that alot from you.
Here's to a better 525,600 minutes to measured in LOVE.
Caio 2012.
Love Me
X
PS: I'm sorry for this not being as much like my other posts... I'm just too emotional this year... Very raw... I only came out of hospital today... Hopefully my goodbye to 2013 will be full of happiness. :)
Xx
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Sandy Hook
First of all before i even start i want to say sorry yet again for being so crap at keeping this thing updated, I've just been very ill recently to the point where i have had to go to the hospital twice and had to stay in too. I urgently wanted to write this blog the day that it happened but i was in so much shock. I was crying a lot, was fuming and quite honestly i didn't know all the facts then...I wanted to be able to write a good dedication without getting anything wrong.
December 14, 2012... Adam Lanza fatally shot twenty children and six staff at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.
One person, that single handedly took 26 innocent lives...lives of people that had a future, that had family and friends that loved them beyond compare. Children no older than seven, children who were meant to have their whole lives ahead of them now lie dead...that whole future taken away by one evil sadistic barstard. Children that could have inspired the world to give up war, stand for world peace and children that could have found the cure to cancers. Gone. Just like that. Mothers etc left without their child..no mother should have to live to see their child die..no one should have to feel that heartbreak. especially in the cold blood of an evil killer... Parents sent their children to school that morning without a thought to what was going to happen, with no idea whatsoever that that would be the last time they ever got to see their child alive. Imagine that? Imagine how awful that must be. To lose your child without even getting a chance of goodbye
December 14, 2012... Adam Lanza fatally shot twenty children and six staff at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.
One person, that single handedly took 26 innocent lives...lives of people that had a future, that had family and friends that loved them beyond compare. Children no older than seven, children who were meant to have their whole lives ahead of them now lie dead...that whole future taken away by one evil sadistic barstard. Children that could have inspired the world to give up war, stand for world peace and children that could have found the cure to cancers. Gone. Just like that. Mothers etc left without their child..no mother should have to live to see their child die..no one should have to feel that heartbreak. especially in the cold blood of an evil killer... Parents sent their children to school that morning without a thought to what was going to happen, with no idea whatsoever that that would be the last time they ever got to see their child alive. Imagine that? Imagine how awful that must be. To lose your child without even getting a chance of goodbye
- Charlotte Bacon, 6
- Daniel Barden, 7
- Olivia Engel, 6
- Josephine Gay, 7
- Dylan Hockley, 6
- Madeline Hsu, 6
- Catherine Hubbard, 6
- Chase Kowalski, 7
- Jesse Lewis, 6
- Ana Marquez-Greene,6
- James Mattioli, 6
- Grace McDonnell, 6
- Emilie Parker, 6
- Jack Pinto, 6
- Noah Pozner, 6
- Caroline Previdi, 6
- Jessica Rekos, 6
- Avielle Richman, 6
- Benjamin Wheeler, 6
- Allison Wyatt 6
Teachers having to throw themselves before children knowing that this was it...that they wouldn't be coming out, just because their compassion for their job and their love of children is so strong...so strong, they would rather die than let a single child in their care die. They to went to work that morning not knowing what they day would bring of course, but never ever could they have imagined this... so why on earth would they have bothered making sure to say goodbye to all their loved ones..? Their was no point they would be seeing them again that afternoon right? Wrong. Adam took the life of six members of staff that that day. He took away hopes, dreams and futures...With killing the 26 people he did, he destroyed the life of many and broke a million hearts.
- Rachel D'Avino,
- Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung,
- Anne Marie Murphy,
- Lauren Rousseau,
- Mary Sherlach,
- Victoria Soto
No one has the right to take lives away...no one. The only person fit to judge that in any way shape or form is God. This one event has left the world reeling. All messages of prayers and hope being sent to the families and victims of this terrible massacre. There are enough people dying every day so why on earth kill people just for the sake it? most of all when there is children that young involved. It actually makes me feel sick... i feel ill when i think that someone could do that.
I just pray that all the dead are safe and well in heaven now, that they didn't try to understand...because how could one ever understand? i hope they just went towards the light with courage in their heart...I can't think of anyone who deserves to be at peace finally than names listed above. I hope they are safe, i hope they are happy. I hope they are whole again and no longer in any pain. For the people left on the earth i hope they find solace in whatever they can find to keep them strong. Be it memories, God, family and friends anything, i know that its going to be impossible to get over, but i hope they find inner peace to a point where they can live their lives again for their loved ones that were lost. I hope the poor children and staff who had to witness their friends dying around them find the strength to carry on...and live though the trauma that has been put upon them.
This world needs to change and for the better, sooner rather than later.
(in loving memory of all this lost in the Sandy Hook Elementary School attacks.)
Monday, 3 December 2012
Travel on a jet plane...far away
more than anything right now i want to be on a jet plane travelling as far away as possible from england and this place I'm living in, i wanna see the world, experience different cultures.. i don't want to be sitting in one place for the rest of my life. I hate not being out of the country for a while it literally drives me insane. i am honestly a person who could sleep anywhere and live in a suitcase...i would LOVE to get on a random plane not even knowing where I'm going and just explore because thats one of my dreams. Having to get to know the country and the language or getting seriously messed up. This year i was blessed to have gone back to my second home for a long weekend (DEUTSCHLAND) and spend time with my sister there at a jazz festival and ok, normally i spend a lot more time in Germany every year so I'm pretty sad that that was it but it happened. Then i was home for a little while and got to spend two weeks in the beautiful USA (my third home) seeing friends in Utah, Michigan and Nebraska...possibly one of the most amazing trips for me. i want to be there again i want to be away from what I'm meant to call home, this will never be home for me. 2013 bring me new places please.
Sunday, 2 December 2012
That time of the year...
I'm pretty upset right now and it's funny because the first place i have come to is my blog. The one place where i can say what i want (well most of it) without giving a crap about getting judged. My mom is currently downstairs putting up the christmas tree and i have HAD to take myself away from the situation because with every decoration going up i was reminded of what i didn't have anymore that made christmas real. My granddad. My family are not exactly religious so i don't understand the need to celebrate it now the fact my brother and i are both over 18. All I'm getting from my mom is 'come on this was g'dads favourite time of the year, make the most of it but i can't i just can't. To me now, christmas in my house seems to be about buying presents and receiving presents and of course the general pigging out on shit loads of complete crap which will only make you 10 stone heavier. Ok i admit i like giving a lot, but then i do that 24/7 though out the year, i don't need christmas to be able to do that it's so stupid, i also like the pigging out apart...ok....maybe that bits fun...but working off the extra calories in the new year drives me insane!
Anyway, when i was younger christmas was MAGICAL and i mean..amazing..my granddad used to hide bells in his pockets all the time and ring them so my brother and I thought Santa was flying above checking we were all behaving..i used to sit by the window with my little faced pressed up against the glass trying to find Santa in the sky. On christmas day my gramps would come into my room, whisper in my ear 'santa's been' then pick me up and give my a fireman's lift down the stairs leaving me in a heap, historically laughing in the middle of my presents. He then took the job of putting everything together or putting batteries in the would have a great time playing with mine and my brothers toys with us with always the excuse 'i'm just checking there working'
This time pf year now, i just i just want to hibernate in my room and never leave...if it were not for my horse, then knowing in me i would do that.... my horse is an amazing source of strength for me.
Oh christmas tree the memories you bring ....
update
Been a while since I posted so i wanna give you all an update. First of all I'm sorry for not getting on recently...i've only just started seeing a new doctor in the past few weeks and i guess that has taken a lot out of me...when I've been home I've just wanted to sleep or cry. I will get there though so no one worry about me I'm fine! My therapy is harder than anything I've ever done before and its scaring me to death even after two weeks that imma have a another 3 months of this left. But i don't know. I have a huge feeling this WILL get me somewhere if i stick with it so it's worth the battle and fight. What i want more than anything is to be able to live a normal life and if that means three months of hell to pay then i think I'm ok with that..getting it out...making a way for a new me for my 21st :) YAY
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Lattes and best friends
If anywhere can get me in this Christmassy mood then it's Starbucks :) red cup and Christmas drink time wooooo!!!! 
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Imagine one day....
I'm happy i got back into my blogging it's like...already been such a release for me over the past couple of days that its unreal. Here we go back to the 100 posts a month thing i had going on last year and earlier this year.
What this blog is about, is kinda the stuff i wanted to add in my remembrance sunday blog, but i don't know. I feel that it was better to maybe put something like this into a different blog as there leaves more respect for the fallen that way.
So i know some people are gonna read this and think that i'm trying to say we shouldnt go to war and have an army etc... but i would like to stress now that is not what i'm saying. In fact that couldnt be any further from the truth. The purpose of this blog is me trying to understand why we should have the need for army's and war etc.... as in, why can't this world just be a peaceful place to live?
One of my biggest celebrity inspirations has to be John Lennon, i literally have his book...which to me is like another bible...i see him as god...i practise everything he preaches...to me he is my idol...he died for peace too and he stood up for everything he believed in regardless of what others thought of that.
'Imagine theres no countries..is isnt hard to do, nothing to kill or die for and no religion too'
Actually imagine that, a world where there is not need to kill... a world where there is no need to sacrifice your own life fighting for you country...fighting to bring peace to the world. Wouldnt that be beautiful? Imagine living in a world where the only killings are what need to be made..for example, animals in the wild, for food, in the case of euthanasia... killing only to survive or to put an animal at peace... the humane way. Imagine one year on Remembrance sunday being able to to look back at the fallen and the ones who put their lives at risk to give us a chance at peace with the knowledge that finally it worked, peace has been achieved and there is no more war or dying..wouldnt that make such a perfect world.
What this blog is about, is kinda the stuff i wanted to add in my remembrance sunday blog, but i don't know. I feel that it was better to maybe put something like this into a different blog as there leaves more respect for the fallen that way.
So i know some people are gonna read this and think that i'm trying to say we shouldnt go to war and have an army etc... but i would like to stress now that is not what i'm saying. In fact that couldnt be any further from the truth. The purpose of this blog is me trying to understand why we should have the need for army's and war etc.... as in, why can't this world just be a peaceful place to live?
One of my biggest celebrity inspirations has to be John Lennon, i literally have his book...which to me is like another bible...i see him as god...i practise everything he preaches...to me he is my idol...he died for peace too and he stood up for everything he believed in regardless of what others thought of that.
'Imagine theres no countries..is isnt hard to do, nothing to kill or die for and no religion too'
Actually imagine that, a world where there is not need to kill... a world where there is no need to sacrifice your own life fighting for you country...fighting to bring peace to the world. Wouldnt that be beautiful? Imagine living in a world where the only killings are what need to be made..for example, animals in the wild, for food, in the case of euthanasia... killing only to survive or to put an animal at peace... the humane way. Imagine one year on Remembrance sunday being able to to look back at the fallen and the ones who put their lives at risk to give us a chance at peace with the knowledge that finally it worked, peace has been achieved and there is no more war or dying..wouldnt that make such a perfect world.
Life sucks sometimes
Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I mean...everything that could go wrong went wrong...I know my blog is normally about giving others advice and helping others out but just this once i need the advice...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love dying? I would think most of you do... and if not your very lucky.Well my nan is a severe sufferer of COPD, i know what that stands for but i can't for the life of me spell it, i guess you can google it if it matters that much. Anyway it basically means her lungs are messed up..big time...this is the one step away from being on oxygen for the rest of her life...Her doctor told her when she was diagnosed a few years back that she had to stop smoking, because now...a cigarette will not just cut an hour or whatever it normally is off her life, it could be cutting days, weeks, months who knows?...Well she has been swearing on my life that she has stopped smoking, she has promised me...hurled abuse at me when i ask her, treated me like scum...and everytime it's always the same thing... 'IM NOT SMOKING JUST SHUT UP' and everytime i find more on her and somehow...'she's not smoking them either' I know smoking is an addiction an i know all to well with my self harm what an addiction feels like, but shes not even trying and its got to a point where i can't deal with it anymore. I said that to her i said i couldnt deal with the upset of finding them on her all the time and the hurt knowing she had swore on my life i lied...the fact she didnt care about anyone else in the family but herself (she even promised my grandad and her husband on his dying bed she would quit)..so she accused me of hating her etc...i turned round and shouted back at her it's not anything but the fact i want you to STOP with the smoking and she flipped and said 'THATS IT IM MOVING OUT YOU DONT WANT ME IF I JUST FUCK OFF FROM YOUR LIFE....' and it made me worse, i was hysterical...i'm not even going to say what happened next because i dropped to one of my low points and ended up doing something silly to myself to try and get her to see how much she was hurting me...that just started more fights. I also found out that my 'brother' (I'll explain in a sec), has known shes been smoking this whole time but does not give a shit about her and lets her kill herself just because he gets fags out it...no for people who think i'm being paranoid i can't be because my mother wouldnt deny thats what he's doing when i mentioned it to her... What do i do? What the heck am i to do? My nan is like another mother to me and i cant deal with this, i really just cannot deal with all of this.... What am i to say to her|? because i've swore to cut my wrists to pieces if i see her smoking before, ive done it in front of her...and she didnt care...ive threatened her, blackmailed her, tried to be nice, screamed at her..nothing...I am going to end up killing myself at this rate just to get away from it all...I can't deal with it...
So for the first time ever i'm asking YOU guys... what do i do?
Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love dying? I would think most of you do... and if not your very lucky.Well my nan is a severe sufferer of COPD, i know what that stands for but i can't for the life of me spell it, i guess you can google it if it matters that much. Anyway it basically means her lungs are messed up..big time...this is the one step away from being on oxygen for the rest of her life...Her doctor told her when she was diagnosed a few years back that she had to stop smoking, because now...a cigarette will not just cut an hour or whatever it normally is off her life, it could be cutting days, weeks, months who knows?...Well she has been swearing on my life that she has stopped smoking, she has promised me...hurled abuse at me when i ask her, treated me like scum...and everytime it's always the same thing... 'IM NOT SMOKING JUST SHUT UP' and everytime i find more on her and somehow...'she's not smoking them either' I know smoking is an addiction an i know all to well with my self harm what an addiction feels like, but shes not even trying and its got to a point where i can't deal with it anymore. I said that to her i said i couldnt deal with the upset of finding them on her all the time and the hurt knowing she had swore on my life i lied...the fact she didnt care about anyone else in the family but herself (she even promised my grandad and her husband on his dying bed she would quit)..so she accused me of hating her etc...i turned round and shouted back at her it's not anything but the fact i want you to STOP with the smoking and she flipped and said 'THATS IT IM MOVING OUT YOU DONT WANT ME IF I JUST FUCK OFF FROM YOUR LIFE....' and it made me worse, i was hysterical...i'm not even going to say what happened next because i dropped to one of my low points and ended up doing something silly to myself to try and get her to see how much she was hurting me...that just started more fights. I also found out that my 'brother' (I'll explain in a sec), has known shes been smoking this whole time but does not give a shit about her and lets her kill herself just because he gets fags out it...no for people who think i'm being paranoid i can't be because my mother wouldnt deny thats what he's doing when i mentioned it to her... What do i do? What the heck am i to do? My nan is like another mother to me and i cant deal with this, i really just cannot deal with all of this.... What am i to say to her|? because i've swore to cut my wrists to pieces if i see her smoking before, ive done it in front of her...and she didnt care...ive threatened her, blackmailed her, tried to be nice, screamed at her..nothing...I am going to end up killing myself at this rate just to get away from it all...I can't deal with it...
So for the first time ever i'm asking YOU guys... what do i do?
Monday, 12 November 2012
drunken memories....
ALWAYS makes me laugh...
i'm in there somewhere although you can only see my knee
one of the drunkest times EVER
I miss my girls
i'm in there somewhere although you can only see my knee
one of the drunkest times EVER
I miss my girls
11.11 least we forget
'In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.'
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.'
I can't believe i have only just got around to writing this blog and even more so i cant believe that i nearly didnt manage to get it done at all today. 11.11. You need to have a hard and cold heart not to be moved on this day....
Today is the day that we honour our fallen 'least we forget' for without them we would not be here, there would not be a country there wouldnt be anything, they; with almightly courage stood on the front line and looked death in the eye. The stood for all of us, they stood for HOPE, COURAGE, LOVE, PEACE... we are to be enternally grateful.
I hope that the fallen can stand next to God with their heads held high with pride, just like the soldiers coming back from war. For they may not be there in the pshyical world...but instead did pay the highest of all prices. This is actually something i get all emotional writing about and then i start getting angry that theres a need for war and fighting in the first place.
All soldiers whenever they battled, even the ones on the front line right now... the ones God couldnt save, the saved and the wounded...our country salutes you. THANK YOU for giving us a world to raise our children in, for teaching lives purpose at the expense of your own. There is no one at all braver than you and not enough recognition is given for all the fallen... Hopefully that will change now...i hope that will change.
You will never be forgotten, you will live on in our heart, lives and everything we see feel and touch for the rest of our lives.
You are the wind, you are the rain, You are the sun... with a newborn babies cry we will thank god for you and thank you for letting this beautiful person come onto the earth.
You are the ultimate ...
Sunday, 11 November 2012
Pro Style Loser
If i get anything done in the next couple of years then its gonna be to fly to Canada and spend a week getting completly wasted with my canadian BFF/ loser twin/sister/ bitch.
Haven't seen her since 2010 when we were in munich together...!
FRIENDSHIP this girl is one of my number one, all time besties..
Words cannot describe the things we have talked about/planned for the future/then worryingly gone and done/roadtrips to Italy/ boyfriends/bitches/ growing up.... everything...
Who wants to buy me a one way ticket?
Haven't seen her since 2010 when we were in munich together...!
FRIENDSHIP this girl is one of my number one, all time besties..
Words cannot describe the things we have talked about/planned for the future/then worryingly gone and done/roadtrips to Italy/ boyfriends/bitches/ growing up.... everything...
Who wants to buy me a one way ticket?
Trust Issues
(dedicated to Sarah)
Trust is something ive never really had, or at least if i do trust someone it takes a long time for me to get to that stage. Then the slightest little thing with me will break that trust..literally the smallest thing..just like breaking a tiny promise, because of things that happened in the past, i've been let down by some people who were meant to be the ones looking after me and caring for me. I just don't trust... i love the concept of trust and its meaning i think its beautiful but i just can't do it for myself.
Trust is something i have always found complicated.
So this blog, i wanted to write just to dedicate to a friend of mine as she is honest to god one of the most supportive women i have ever met in my entire life. I have a deep loathing of myself and trust me when i say she is pretty much perfection...you don't get better than her, i would bet my life on that... I may have taken performing arts in college but ive never been confident at it, which is why i had to give it up..i was ok in a group but put me up there on my own and i would freak. I dont like singing/dancing/making/doing anything on my own for anyone because literally it makes me feel so ashamed of myself that its unreal. Like the only way normally you would get me to do a solo would to be to drag me kicking and screaming and then i would stand and be like 'dude i dont wanna do it'. For the past 6 years i have taken YA workshops as many of you know...or should know should be the word...i go on about the EUfall2010 and UK2006 cast pretty much in every blog i write...(I've just realised that Sarah was not on either of them tours and am now laughing to myself about the fact im going on about Sarah) Ok im confused...i really dont know am i talking about Young Americans or what? Urghhh...MUST.GET.SOME.SLEEP.SOON.
Start again ignore my random ramble... right...anyway every year when i have taken YA workshops i have either taken them barefoot or in my jazz or ballet shoes because to me they are just like a second skin anyway i love them. There is this part called 'dance circle' and the ask people to come in and dance for 8 counts...i refused point blank every year and even tried the whole 'oh im not a dancer these just belong to my friend'...that didnt get me anywhere. But i still REFUSED to even try. In 2010 i travelled up to Grantham to take a workshop there, and at dance circle Roshni dragged me backstage and was like 'IVE KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE 5 YEARS SO DONT YOU TELL ME YOU CANT DANCE JUST GO OUT THERE AND TAP OR SOMETHING!!!' (The YA do not talk like that i promise they are incredible..its just the fact Rosh and I were friends before the YA days) and then she put me on the the dance floor and refused to let me move until i done something...so i basically flipped my feet about doing basic tap stuff being all cocky like 'heheheheh i wont get picked after that SHIT' oh i did...whoever decided to do that in the first place...well....im still mad! Like i said before, put me on a stage with 5 other people and i can go out there and own it...i'll bust it out till i'm dying...teach me some more complicated tap routine in half hour and ill perform it better than 30 seconds of something i already know on my own...Well everytime my mind went blank, when i say i threw my feet...i did..i didnt want to be there, i wasnt happy, i was mad at roshni...i didnt tap..what i done wasnt tap but i STILL heard Sarah saying 'COME ON VIKKIE' and telling me 'THAT WAS AWESOME' even though i knew it was shit and in the actual show...i was SO scared so scared, I looked at Sarah and she mouthed the words 'i love you' and i actually done about 3/4 steps which i didnt manage before before i was like 'crap' and went back to normal...then with all the noise i heard her should 'I LOVE YOU VIKKIE' it gave me strength so much strength... Even then, she was the only one i trusted after id been picked...she was the one who honestly stopped me from having a mental breakdown on the stage.
Well ok thats one small example and its taken me ages this blog is going to be so LONG i'm sorry.!!!
The main thing there is something i have ALWAYS wanted to do for her for christmas or her birthday and even though i knew her and KNEW she was this incredible person i was too scared to send it to her because of being judged.. (basically im making something for her) Like i said to me Sarah is perfect, i would run though loads of different stories in my head of what would happen when she got it...none of them were good, some were awful. Recently over the year i have got closer to this wonderful girl... it's been me, pretty much letting my walls down and letting her in, it's me being honest with her and not being a total bitch... It's me thinking about my actions affect her...I used to say stuff..I didnt realise how much that made her sad...i didnt realise when she saw my arms that it upset her, i couldnt see that...and i think getting close was just accepting shes a human being too... I also use to think of her as one of these stereotypical american girls (omg i sound so bad) from the movies who are oh so pretty and the damn well know it, popular, rich, talented, had everything but at the same time was are complete bitches to anyone who is not in their little circle...like nice to your face but behind your back forget it. It took me a LONG while to realise that Sarah could be all of the amazing things and at the same time that heart that beautiful beautiful heart she always gave to every person she met could be there all the time to. Well anyway im currently in the middle of making that gift for her to send this christmas ive planned out so many bits its taken me since june/july time.. but hopefully ill be done soon :) For the first time ever I'm listening to her and my heart not my head and the stupid things that tells me...it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life..ive cried so much, been SO SO SO scared when ive had to do things to help make the book....i honestly just wanted to put this on here to show that im well trying...im really trying...
Like i am nervous still, i will most likely panic...but im trusting her...im trusting her....
This is the first time in my life i have trusted someone so much so im like..... 'eeeeeeekkkkkkk' .
Never be afraid to let down walls...be careful and choose carefully who you let in, but once you let a decent friend in... not only can you get a better friendship, but also the confidence within yourself to try new things...You get love..i feel like i have a purpose. It's ok, just think long and hard about who you allow into your heart. k? :)
Trust is something ive never really had, or at least if i do trust someone it takes a long time for me to get to that stage. Then the slightest little thing with me will break that trust..literally the smallest thing..just like breaking a tiny promise, because of things that happened in the past, i've been let down by some people who were meant to be the ones looking after me and caring for me. I just don't trust... i love the concept of trust and its meaning i think its beautiful but i just can't do it for myself.
Trust is something i have always found complicated.
So this blog, i wanted to write just to dedicate to a friend of mine as she is honest to god one of the most supportive women i have ever met in my entire life. I have a deep loathing of myself and trust me when i say she is pretty much perfection...you don't get better than her, i would bet my life on that... I may have taken performing arts in college but ive never been confident at it, which is why i had to give it up..i was ok in a group but put me up there on my own and i would freak. I dont like singing/dancing/making/doing anything on my own for anyone because literally it makes me feel so ashamed of myself that its unreal. Like the only way normally you would get me to do a solo would to be to drag me kicking and screaming and then i would stand and be like 'dude i dont wanna do it'. For the past 6 years i have taken YA workshops as many of you know...or should know should be the word...i go on about the EUfall2010 and UK2006 cast pretty much in every blog i write...(I've just realised that Sarah was not on either of them tours and am now laughing to myself about the fact im going on about Sarah) Ok im confused...i really dont know am i talking about Young Americans or what? Urghhh...MUST.GET.SOME.SLEEP.SOON.
Start again ignore my random ramble... right...anyway every year when i have taken YA workshops i have either taken them barefoot or in my jazz or ballet shoes because to me they are just like a second skin anyway i love them. There is this part called 'dance circle' and the ask people to come in and dance for 8 counts...i refused point blank every year and even tried the whole 'oh im not a dancer these just belong to my friend'...that didnt get me anywhere. But i still REFUSED to even try. In 2010 i travelled up to Grantham to take a workshop there, and at dance circle Roshni dragged me backstage and was like 'IVE KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE 5 YEARS SO DONT YOU TELL ME YOU CANT DANCE JUST GO OUT THERE AND TAP OR SOMETHING!!!' (The YA do not talk like that i promise they are incredible..its just the fact Rosh and I were friends before the YA days) and then she put me on the the dance floor and refused to let me move until i done something...so i basically flipped my feet about doing basic tap stuff being all cocky like 'heheheheh i wont get picked after that SHIT' oh i did...whoever decided to do that in the first place...well....im still mad! Like i said before, put me on a stage with 5 other people and i can go out there and own it...i'll bust it out till i'm dying...teach me some more complicated tap routine in half hour and ill perform it better than 30 seconds of something i already know on my own...Well everytime my mind went blank, when i say i threw my feet...i did..i didnt want to be there, i wasnt happy, i was mad at roshni...i didnt tap..what i done wasnt tap but i STILL heard Sarah saying 'COME ON VIKKIE' and telling me 'THAT WAS AWESOME' even though i knew it was shit and in the actual show...i was SO scared so scared, I looked at Sarah and she mouthed the words 'i love you' and i actually done about 3/4 steps which i didnt manage before before i was like 'crap' and went back to normal...then with all the noise i heard her should 'I LOVE YOU VIKKIE' it gave me strength so much strength... Even then, she was the only one i trusted after id been picked...she was the one who honestly stopped me from having a mental breakdown on the stage.
Well ok thats one small example and its taken me ages this blog is going to be so LONG i'm sorry.!!!
The main thing there is something i have ALWAYS wanted to do for her for christmas or her birthday and even though i knew her and KNEW she was this incredible person i was too scared to send it to her because of being judged.. (basically im making something for her) Like i said to me Sarah is perfect, i would run though loads of different stories in my head of what would happen when she got it...none of them were good, some were awful. Recently over the year i have got closer to this wonderful girl... it's been me, pretty much letting my walls down and letting her in, it's me being honest with her and not being a total bitch... It's me thinking about my actions affect her...I used to say stuff..I didnt realise how much that made her sad...i didnt realise when she saw my arms that it upset her, i couldnt see that...and i think getting close was just accepting shes a human being too... I also use to think of her as one of these stereotypical american girls (omg i sound so bad) from the movies who are oh so pretty and the damn well know it, popular, rich, talented, had everything but at the same time was are complete bitches to anyone who is not in their little circle...like nice to your face but behind your back forget it. It took me a LONG while to realise that Sarah could be all of the amazing things and at the same time that heart that beautiful beautiful heart she always gave to every person she met could be there all the time to. Well anyway im currently in the middle of making that gift for her to send this christmas ive planned out so many bits its taken me since june/july time.. but hopefully ill be done soon :) For the first time ever I'm listening to her and my heart not my head and the stupid things that tells me...it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life..ive cried so much, been SO SO SO scared when ive had to do things to help make the book....i honestly just wanted to put this on here to show that im well trying...im really trying...
Like i am nervous still, i will most likely panic...but im trusting her...im trusting her....
This is the first time in my life i have trusted someone so much so im like..... 'eeeeeeekkkkkkk' .
Never be afraid to let down walls...be careful and choose carefully who you let in, but once you let a decent friend in... not only can you get a better friendship, but also the confidence within yourself to try new things...You get love..i feel like i have a purpose. It's ok, just think long and hard about who you allow into your heart. k? :)
Monday, 5 November 2012
Wings To Fly
Depression for me is much like being trapped behind a huge ugly fence and birds...they really do represent freedom for me, so i think this photo, was just profound in many ways.
From this you can learn so much aboout over coming things.... This photo/edit is truly wonderful, basic but wonderful. For anyone struggling i would like you to download this photo from here and put it as your desktop picture, or at least look at it everyday.;...let it remind you that from fear and from hurt can come freedom and peace...You can make peace with anything and that includes being able to make peace with yourself if you just let go to everything holding you back/
MONSTER BALL
Very late post but wanted to share a few pictures from the Monster ball i went to for hallowen at the slug and lettuce in brentwood.
Starting the night off with trick or treat shots in the famous sugar hut...(that if you watch the only way is essex) basically i awful tasting one and one nice tasting one. thankfully i got the nice one yayay :) Was not complaining!
Then monster ball... as there were about 10 of us we all paid towards getting the V.I.P area which actually more than made up for its money with the free samples of shots etc that we were getting! There was also a £50 bar tab for best costume that night which we won too so that provided quite alot of the drink that night, add that to the fact cocktails were 2 4 1 it was an incredible night. Would definatly pay for V.I.P suite again, private, big and definatly worth the money!
Thank you sugar hut and slug for such a perfect night!
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Oh Sandy..
Recently its been all over the news about the USA and Canada being hit by the hurrrincane and tropical storm that combined have realeased devestation all over. (Not forgetting places like Haiti and Jamaica who have also took the brunt, i think its important we dont forget about them, after 'We are the world' after all. I have friends is Jamaica and i really crapped myself for a long while, it caused alot of tears. Thankfully it looks like its not hit too badly there.
Well America and Canada, are two countries where i have alot of friends...say east coast to me and i will list off alot of names of people whom i am friends with....now i have friends from FL up though NC, PA, NJ, NY and ME not including the friends i have in Canada and i can honestly sat that at least 5 or 6 of them i see as my family we are so close...so upon hearing what was gonna happen i went into major panic attack mode...everyones seen these films like the day after tomorrow and all i kept thinking was 'what if?'. My friends were acting differently to the news, some were like, 'okay well this is happening lets just do what we are told', others were like 'im not moving im waiting this shit out' (they were the idiots i was most worried about) and then i had friends phoning, messaging, texting, skyping me in tears saying they loved me and i should never forget it. One that will always stick in my mind, my friend Ali, literally like ive known her years and shes one of my best friends i have crazy fun with her all the time...MUNICH 2010!!! we spent the whole time tanning, drinking and partying :) but she sent me one saying
'oh god oh fucking god its so bad you cant even see, I love you you gotta remember that no matter what, no matter what ok...ive never seen anything like this before.'
This girl was left generally thinking she was going to die, and trust me when i say i know her too well, and thats not Ali, shes practically fearless and and will stick her middle finger up to everything that life throws at her...and this time...it scared me, spesh when she sent me pictures....she was watching her next door neighbours car flip over etc....it was insane...
I know on the day the hurricane i was said to hit the coast of new york i was up all night with a million different things around me all on different news websites tracking what was going on...I was in tears, most of all when i heard 'Sandy has claimed the life of a fire fighter after a tree falling on his truck' first death... that got me big time....i dont think ive cried as much over the past few days than i have in a long time. I was so scared seeing everything play out, seeing buildings burn to the ground....homes getting smothered in sea water, subways getting flooded the death toll rising at a steady rate. It broke my heart, i know i'm not american and i know my upset and fear is times a billion for the people out there but i have so many friends out there and i feel at home in America, i love the culture, the people...i love my time...every second of it spent there...it really is my home.
When i saw the photos the next day of Americans waking up to what had been left behind...even i was shocked, seriously, Ive never seen America like that, and i know im only in my 20's but then when people 70 were saying the same...
I dont want to put pictures on here because its not about that now...its not about that...its about rebuilding, its about helping people standing again, bringing people comfort and peace be they dead or alive....its about faith...its about America standing strong as a country, and the world standing strong with them...One of the first things that came to my head was...this looks even worse than 9/11...that i think made ME worse emotionally, but then i also remembered how well americans stood together then...and after crying i felt hope in my heart, hope that i had never felt before.
I think that now...well we cant do anything to change the past...or the future...i think god writes the plans and he is the only one who has the power to change things like that... I just pray that the dead are all found and can be put to rest properly and i hope all living are found, given comfort, protection and the care they need to recover.
God bless America.
Well America and Canada, are two countries where i have alot of friends...say east coast to me and i will list off alot of names of people whom i am friends with....now i have friends from FL up though NC, PA, NJ, NY and ME not including the friends i have in Canada and i can honestly sat that at least 5 or 6 of them i see as my family we are so close...so upon hearing what was gonna happen i went into major panic attack mode...everyones seen these films like the day after tomorrow and all i kept thinking was 'what if?'. My friends were acting differently to the news, some were like, 'okay well this is happening lets just do what we are told', others were like 'im not moving im waiting this shit out' (they were the idiots i was most worried about) and then i had friends phoning, messaging, texting, skyping me in tears saying they loved me and i should never forget it. One that will always stick in my mind, my friend Ali, literally like ive known her years and shes one of my best friends i have crazy fun with her all the time...MUNICH 2010!!! we spent the whole time tanning, drinking and partying :) but she sent me one saying
'oh god oh fucking god its so bad you cant even see, I love you you gotta remember that no matter what, no matter what ok...ive never seen anything like this before.'
This girl was left generally thinking she was going to die, and trust me when i say i know her too well, and thats not Ali, shes practically fearless and and will stick her middle finger up to everything that life throws at her...and this time...it scared me, spesh when she sent me pictures....she was watching her next door neighbours car flip over etc....it was insane...
I know on the day the hurricane i was said to hit the coast of new york i was up all night with a million different things around me all on different news websites tracking what was going on...I was in tears, most of all when i heard 'Sandy has claimed the life of a fire fighter after a tree falling on his truck' first death... that got me big time....i dont think ive cried as much over the past few days than i have in a long time. I was so scared seeing everything play out, seeing buildings burn to the ground....homes getting smothered in sea water, subways getting flooded the death toll rising at a steady rate. It broke my heart, i know i'm not american and i know my upset and fear is times a billion for the people out there but i have so many friends out there and i feel at home in America, i love the culture, the people...i love my time...every second of it spent there...it really is my home.
When i saw the photos the next day of Americans waking up to what had been left behind...even i was shocked, seriously, Ive never seen America like that, and i know im only in my 20's but then when people 70 were saying the same...
I dont want to put pictures on here because its not about that now...its not about that...its about rebuilding, its about helping people standing again, bringing people comfort and peace be they dead or alive....its about faith...its about America standing strong as a country, and the world standing strong with them...One of the first things that came to my head was...this looks even worse than 9/11...that i think made ME worse emotionally, but then i also remembered how well americans stood together then...and after crying i felt hope in my heart, hope that i had never felt before.
I think that now...well we cant do anything to change the past...or the future...i think god writes the plans and he is the only one who has the power to change things like that... I just pray that the dead are all found and can be put to rest properly and i hope all living are found, given comfort, protection and the care they need to recover.
God bless America.
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Things are a changing
So im gonna change my blog again! I REALLY wanted a change this time, i wanna start over and update regular etc...no more negative or pointless posts...just ones to inspire and move people into change....
I did decide upon making a new blog but now im just going to keep this one and edit it...that way everything ive written before is still there, and of course all of you guys know where to find me...
( thanks for the support btw, i love that you all love what i write so much it means so much to me!)
So give me say a few hours?!?
Thank you for over 15,000 readers :) xxxxxx
I did decide upon making a new blog but now im just going to keep this one and edit it...that way everything ive written before is still there, and of course all of you guys know where to find me...
( thanks for the support btw, i love that you all love what i write so much it means so much to me!)
So give me say a few hours?!?
Thank you for over 15,000 readers :) xxxxxx
Sunday, 16 September 2012
And leave nothing less...
You will notice me
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see
Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here
I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long
Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see
Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here
I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long
Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place
9/11 dedication
Ok I know this is late I've had a lot of problems over the past week, like one hell of a lot so I really have not had a chance to get on.
This is my finished project of tattoo number 14 in dedication to America, those who lost their lives and those were affected, so, if you were affected in anyway this ink is for you too.
I wasn't going to add a picture on here because my legs are hideously fat and ugly and should quite honestly die... But I thought that there's not really a point if I'm not going to actually let the people it's for see it.
I'm gonna explain the reason i got this tattoo done because I think that's important, most of all because I'm English and I bet most of you are thinking why on earth would you have that!!!
Well number one even though I was young, I still remember where I was EXACTLY when I first heard... I still remember exactly what was said, exactly how I felt... My heart..was broken into a 1000 little pieces, before that I'd never ever felt that emotion, as a kid I'd learnt to really harden my heart so for something to affect me.. Well...it had to go one, you could have walked over stabbed my in the heart and it would not have emotionally hurt me as much as the 9/11 did that day. I also know that before that day I loved to travel and be on a plane I loved to see the world and flying and the getting there was the best part ever, taking off in a plane was so exciting for me! Since that day I've been too scared to fly, for years I flat out refused to go on a plane, then when I did first go on a plane to germany i crapped myself I had a mental breakdown I was so scared...even now I hate flying I mean... I do it, one dream for me is to see this world and experience as many cultures as possible, I want to go and teach the world though the beauty of music what world peace is about... That unfortunately means I have to be prepared to fly, but I have panic attacks for weeks before now... Before I fly I have to go on the air crash safety database look at the airline I'm flying with see how many incidents they have had, what caused them, then I have to work out the chance it will happen again... Then I have to learn the entire layout of the plane I'm going on so of anything happened I could try and get everyone out...I have to do calming exercises. I got the flight simulator game and I'll put planes in all sorts of problems and REFUSE to move from that screen until I've landed it perfectly at least 20 times on the trot and I'll fly the route I'm flying... I also set it so I have to do all services myself...I know it's a million times different to a real plane but I get comfort that I have some chance if I was asked to help the pilot I would know where everything is and what it all meant,...it's ridiculous it takes me about 6 months to prepare to fly. The idea of flying American and united airlines most of all anything to do with new York and Boston scares me half to death and that is something I will have to get myself over one day because I want to go ground zero... I don't blame America I blame the terrorists... Where is happened when I was young I just think of that without helping it...
Also I've been to America and honestly I can say I LOVE it with all my heart, I have hundreds of friends and families who are like families to me so it's hard to think its their country going through that... I also have best friends who lost people and another who watched the towers fall in person... She is still traumatised by it everyday.. It's for people like that I got this tattoo. I hate fighting I hate war and this event was what made me want the world peace... I couldn't even care less if I end up getting myself shot like JFK and John Lennon did, if it means that in years to come there is peace on this earth it would be a price I'd pay without question.
9/11 made me who I am today, it's shaped me, it's made me the person 'who will change the world' and other things like that that people have said...
Stars and stripes keep standing strong
You are all incredible
Love love love.
This is my finished project of tattoo number 14 in dedication to America, those who lost their lives and those were affected, so, if you were affected in anyway this ink is for you too.
I wasn't going to add a picture on here because my legs are hideously fat and ugly and should quite honestly die... But I thought that there's not really a point if I'm not going to actually let the people it's for see it.
I'm gonna explain the reason i got this tattoo done because I think that's important, most of all because I'm English and I bet most of you are thinking why on earth would you have that!!!
Well number one even though I was young, I still remember where I was EXACTLY when I first heard... I still remember exactly what was said, exactly how I felt... My heart..was broken into a 1000 little pieces, before that I'd never ever felt that emotion, as a kid I'd learnt to really harden my heart so for something to affect me.. Well...it had to go one, you could have walked over stabbed my in the heart and it would not have emotionally hurt me as much as the 9/11 did that day. I also know that before that day I loved to travel and be on a plane I loved to see the world and flying and the getting there was the best part ever, taking off in a plane was so exciting for me! Since that day I've been too scared to fly, for years I flat out refused to go on a plane, then when I did first go on a plane to germany i crapped myself I had a mental breakdown I was so scared...even now I hate flying I mean... I do it, one dream for me is to see this world and experience as many cultures as possible, I want to go and teach the world though the beauty of music what world peace is about... That unfortunately means I have to be prepared to fly, but I have panic attacks for weeks before now... Before I fly I have to go on the air crash safety database look at the airline I'm flying with see how many incidents they have had, what caused them, then I have to work out the chance it will happen again... Then I have to learn the entire layout of the plane I'm going on so of anything happened I could try and get everyone out...I have to do calming exercises. I got the flight simulator game and I'll put planes in all sorts of problems and REFUSE to move from that screen until I've landed it perfectly at least 20 times on the trot and I'll fly the route I'm flying... I also set it so I have to do all services myself...I know it's a million times different to a real plane but I get comfort that I have some chance if I was asked to help the pilot I would know where everything is and what it all meant,...it's ridiculous it takes me about 6 months to prepare to fly. The idea of flying American and united airlines most of all anything to do with new York and Boston scares me half to death and that is something I will have to get myself over one day because I want to go ground zero... I don't blame America I blame the terrorists... Where is happened when I was young I just think of that without helping it...
Also I've been to America and honestly I can say I LOVE it with all my heart, I have hundreds of friends and families who are like families to me so it's hard to think its their country going through that... I also have best friends who lost people and another who watched the towers fall in person... She is still traumatised by it everyday.. It's for people like that I got this tattoo. I hate fighting I hate war and this event was what made me want the world peace... I couldn't even care less if I end up getting myself shot like JFK and John Lennon did, if it means that in years to come there is peace on this earth it would be a price I'd pay without question.
9/11 made me who I am today, it's shaped me, it's made me the person 'who will change the world' and other things like that that people have said...
Stars and stripes keep standing strong
You are all incredible
Love love love.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)